Reasons you will hate me

3 MC's and 1 MF.

I am a little too sad to write about politics at the moment. Although how good was it when Bronwyn Bishop got pipped at the post for the Speaker's gig? She wanted it so badly she could taste it...oh boy...I certainly touched myself in private places when I heard that news.
So today I thought at first I would tell you the story of when I laughed so hard on a date I wet my pants, but figured instead I would go with something that made you think I was immeasurably cool.
Here, then, is a brief history of me and the Beastie Boys .


As a teenager I was obsessed with the Beastie Boys. Obsessed . I wanted to sleep with them, be them and keep them locked up in cages wearing nothing but glomesh waistcoats. I wrote down the lyrics to So What'cha Want and learned them phonetically. I shaved my head and taught myself to skateboard (yes really). I started a clothing label-slash-movement (think big, comrades) with friends called B-Grrrl*. It was sad and even my parents felt sorry for me.
This is how things happened, in order. I will attempt to be brief and just give you the more entertaining points. If you want to know more, email me. Or take me out to dinner. I love that shit.


1. Beastie Boys/ Helmet gig at Festival Hall, 1994!
After the show, me and two friends thought it would be a genius idea to hazard a guess at which hotel the band might be staying in. We could get past reception by pretending to be their girlfriends and once we were inside we could grab a cleaner's trolley and pull the old 'just here to turn your bed, senor' ruse .
This is what happens when you grow up on episodes of fucking Punky Brewster and you get the notion that every madcap scrape you're in will turn up trumps. Even if you are three nineteen year-old girls in cord pants and Converse one-stars.


2. An internerd connection!
I was actually on the internet in 1995. Do you love the old-schoolishness of my life? Although back then we called it the 'world wide web' and chatted to each other on teletext. Ho ho!
I was on both the Beastie Boys irc chatroom and the message board and would leave vaguely stalkerish posts that reeked of over-familiarity. One particular post was so 'I know them so well we're practically engaged' that a girl from the States emailed me asking if I was one of MCA's network of casual girlfriends. I wasn't - obviously - but she was. And we became penpals.


3. Penpal visit!
Melissa was a die-hard snowboarder who travelled the world following winter. After some months on the NZ slopes she came to Melbourne to visit me. It was cool and we hung out making fun of each other's accents.
Adam 'MCA' Yauch was in Sydney at that time, knocking about with the Dalai Lama; taking him ten-pin bowling and to Doyles for lobster or whatever it is you do with the Buddhist leader of the Universe. He suggested we go up and visit him. After I had picked myself up off the floor, I heartily agreed. My oh my. A Sydney visit with MCA? Please, may I come in my pants now or should I wait until we're all ready to blow together?


4. Wholesome fun!
On our day trip with MCA, we:
- Ate frozen yoghurt.
- Watched skateboarders at Bondi Beach.
- Went to the aquarium.
- Went out for Vietnamese food, and
- Dropped in to see Miss Saigon , the musical. No. Shit.


So, okay. Wholesome day trip with the best-looking Beastie Boy. Is my life complete? Sure. But it gets better.


5. Thrilling phone call!
Two years later. 'Hi, this is Adam. We're in Sydney to do a secret show with Jon Spencer Blues Explosion and then hang out side of stage at the Big Day Out . Oh, and after sitting you alone in a room with all three of us nervously eating pineapple, we're also going to totally introduce you to Patti Smith. How do you feel about leaving your seethingly jealous boyfriend in Melbourne, blowing money on a flight and staying overnight in a pungent old man's hostel to come see us?'


6. Heart Attack Girl!
I can't even remember what year it was when the Beastie Boys next came to town. Only that I was so outwardly 'yeah, whatever' and inwardly so 'oh my god, I am blowing my wad SO HARD' when Adam called again (nicest. man. ever, just by the way) and asked if me and some friends would like to hang out backstage before the Rod Laver Arena show. Cue hugely impressed friends and uber-wholesome before-show action with all the grey-haired band members wheeling children around in strollers and sipping on chai.
It was goodness personified during the show too, particularly when MCA LEANED OVER AND WHISPERED SOMETHING TO MIKE D, WHO THEN DEDICATED THE NEXT SONG TO ME.
At the Rod Laver Arena. The Beastie Boys. It was Heart Attack Man. I was fizzli. Planets collided. So did my ovaries.




There is more to this story, like when they returned again and Adam did a whole spiel onstage at the Forum apologising to my mum for a mix-up with her tickets. But I think that's enough for now. I hope you like me more because of my famous connections and way of winning over celebs with my charm. Signed Ms Fits, aged 28.






*Note ultra coolsie early-90's spelling of 'girl'.




1050 days til the next election.

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