A beginner's guide to making an idiot of yourself.
1. What to do when told you'll be getting onstage with a seven-piece ska band and playing tambourine to a song you've never heard before in your life:
a) Smile. Be brave (in an attractive fashion)
b) Remind yourself it's 'only Canberra'
c) Privately practice keeping time by banging your palm against your leg
d) Duck outside and SMS others in a mild state of panic.
2. What to do when told the band 'forgot' to bring a tambourine and you'll instead be getting up and FREE-FORM DANCING to the VERY NEXT SONG also which you've never heard before in your life:
a) Smack the man who gave you the news in the shoulder. Hard.
b) Continue to remind yourself it's 'only Canberra', though out loud and with somewhat shrill repetition
c) Try to remember the last time you were dancing onstage with a band. Was it Dallas Crane and were you in your underpants? Yes and yes. My christ that was a long time ago.
d) Drink a double gin and tonic.
3. What to do when half-way through your inventive interpretive dance piece you realise your fraying vintage dress is coming undone at an alarmingly rapid rate:
a) Don't stop to zip it up. Just don't. That will only draw attention to the fact that you may be naked in 0.7 seconds.
b) Remain stubbornly facing the crowd. Boy, the drummer must be copping an eyeful.
c) Invent new and creative 'move' which allows you to keep your dress at least half on.
d) Make darty eyes at your friend Jocelyn until she comes onstage to zip you up. Try to artfully pretend as though it's part of a new two-girl zippy-up jive craze. Fail spectacularly.
211 days til the next election.
Comments
'demoiselle, you - of all people - could make falling apart look like art rather than chance, and the way you re-tell it means i don't even have to miss hot having been there.
still laughing. nice work.
r
um, 'hot' = 'not'.
what a parapraxes...
r
ps. word ver baby = kfsuq. like being at an arab market with the klf, but one of them's skived off for a quick sample.
Four and a half 'hooting with mirth like gibbons on heat' out of five. Spectacular!
But- but-
*spluttering*
-but you're on the ABC!
I mean, the ABC simply does not err, shimmy. Some things simply are not done by auntie-types.
...
Excepting Tony Jones, obviously.
I once poored a malted milkshake over myself while looking at a girl I liked but this is not why I write., Is it just me or are you sick of seeing Fight The Power on Rage every five minutes? Its a great song but jeezus for the love of Professor Griff play Miuziweighsaton instead, and whats with the lack of Slayer clips? They always seem to play South of Heaven and nothing else. This issue has burned in my brain for years, and now that Rage has a 20 year anniversary I thought Id get it off my chest finally. I expect a full examination in your Green Guide column next week about why they play Fight The Power way too much and that guest programmers all seem to be die hard David Bowie connoseurs.
I am so sorry i didn't join you in an improvised zipper dance - as you know; i'm nowhere near as brave as that!
In fact, I lthink I would rather die. But you did it with such gusto - bravo!
Hey man, I've been there.
You mean.....there isn't a new two-girl zippy-up jive craze? I feel cheated.
And at the same time, am hitting Youtube.
And I thought going to Retro on a Friday night was a harrowing (if strangely enjoyable) experience.
Now, who were the band, and what Ska classic have you never heard in your life?
I'm with Jay, very disappointing to learn it doesn't exist!!
Sometimes I think life has passed me by...
oh - and you were SPOTTED too...
http://ampersandduck.blogspot.com/2007/04/i-did-but-see-her-passing-by.html
haha. being on stage with a seven piece ska band is embarassing enough..
Why can no one understand???
That the women is an idiot!!!
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