Reasons you will hate me

A festival post-mortem.

I survived Meredith . I think. Would you like to go on the journey with me? I don't doubt for a moment that it will be a rewarding experience.


1. A life of crime!
Finding a fucking van to hire in pre-Xmas Melbourne is like trying to find a worthwhile erection at a Young Liberals convention. All the catering companies book them up to ferry about asparagus spears between office parties. Fucktards.
Eventually we found one with a reputable company - I won't say which for fear of legal action - and raced down there at 1 o'clock Friday to pick it up. The minor issue? It was a manual car. I don't 'do' manual. And my partner in crime MattyB had only his Learner's. Did we reveal this piece of information to the nice man loaning the van? Did we fuck. We just calmly made our way towards the vehicle where I proceeded to - particularly appallingly - bunny hop the fucker around the corner and down the street. Watch me rape your manual van with my incredibly poor driving skills! Now it's too late to have your car returned! I have embarked on a life of crime from which there is no turning back!


2. Wholesome car games!
On the way up, I killed time by reading aloud from Tommy Lee's autobiography , much to Daniel Boud's delight. We all particularly enjoyed the 'revelation' that T.L and Pamela Anderson may have been under the influence of drugs the night they got married . I know this comes as a shock. Pamela - who is stunned that someone may have 'slipped some ecstasy into my drink' - goes on to say 'I don't know if it was just the chemicals, but Tommy and I sat and stared into each other's eyes for hours.' Which sounds like a kind of cool date if you're into that sort of thing.
On the way home we got stuck into several rounds of Murder, Marry, Fight, Fuck in honour of our great Leader Krankiboy . I don't want to give too much away, but Daniel Boud totally said he'd fuck Alexander Downer . He also said he'd dress him up in stockings and bend him over a schoolteacher's desk.
The car ride home was a bit more quiet after that revelation, to be honest.


3. Music highlights!
Do you even need to ask? Dallas Crane rocked it. Wolfmother were so fucking good I developed a kink for men in headbands. And the Dirty Three played a set as the sun sank over the Meredith hills and a spectacular lightning storm developed over the stage. This made people on drugs lose it. It was breathtaking.


4. Other highlights!
- My indescribable friend Dave the Scotsman wandering around in slippers stolen from the Park Hyatt . I also managed to see his penis twice. He calls his penis 'Greggie'.
- Taking a photo of Daniel Boud wearing a ladies poncho and no pants. Strap yourselves in, female bloggers. Too hot for words.
- Waking up on Saturday and being presented with a bloody mary by a man dressed in stubbies looking as though he'd just come from a Kings of Leon rehearsal.
- Wearing my Pandagate t-shirt made by Darp and wandering around all weekend expecting passers-by to gasp in recognition and say: 'That's you ? Tell me everything at once!' It didn't happen, but at least Sugar and Spice had the decency to look impressed when I showed it to her.
- The guitarist from Dan Kelly and the Alpha Males summing up the general feel of the crowd on Sunday afternoon by announcing loudly from stage: 'I'm made out of spiders!' and then adding somewhat forlornly: 'My ears are out of tune.'
- Skinny dipping with Gabi in the river and then Daniel Boud photographing us lounging naked in the grass. Total album cover.
- Texting Clem Bastow and requesting a TENT-BASED SEX PARTY with her and her incredibly hot tall boy. Strangely, I haven't heard from her since.




It was a successful festival. We ate and drank and caroused heartily. Holding hands rules, by the way.




1031 days til the next election.

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