Abcess makes the heart Rwanda.
Ways to feel like a teenager again:
1. Sneak alcohol into a theme park.
I have never put so much thought into the safe passage of liquor as I did this past weekend. Should we buy hip flasks and strap them to our bodies? No wait, would they set off metal detectors? What about plastic hip flasks? ARE THERE SUCH A THING AS PLASTIC HIP FLASKS. False-bottomed backpacks, water bottles filled with vodka, burying alcohol on the grounds for 'laters'...we were out of control. Anything to avoid sitting through two hours of a live Big Brother eviction stone-cold sober.
2. Get raging drunk at a public event aimed at pre-pubescents.
How did that happen? Since when did I down plastic cups of champagne in the space of seconds? Since when did half a junior-size bottle of orange juice with two measures of vodka turn me into some kind of sign-waving lunatic with a penchant for heckling? Oh god. I shouted things at Gretel from the fifth row. I swore at nearby children in the manner of an irritated pirate with syphilis. I believe I wore something low-cut and leered meanly at latest evictee Darren before being escorted into a Maxi Taxi and taken to Hungry Jacks. I AM A BOOZE-ADDLED TEEN.
3. Get 'carded' at aforementioned public event.
That's right. A bouncer at a fucking Big Brother eviction asked me for identification to prove my age. EAT IT.
Ways to remind yourself with somewhat of a thudding jolt that you are in fact thirty:
1. Hang out in various backpacker hostels with tanned and healthy-looking Dutch eighteen year-olds.
Repeat, adlib, fade.
THOSE KIDS DID NOT WANT A BAR OF US.
Fair cop, I suppose.
479 days til the next election.
Comments
"An irritated pirate with syphilis".
Don't many of them around much nowadays.
How did I leave the word "see" out of the last statement?
"Since when did half a junior-size bottle of orange juice with two measures of vodka turn me into some kind of sign-waving lunatic with a penchant for heckling?"
Sounds like a case of PEER PRESSURE to me.
For me, sadly, that list of items would only be ways to feel like a paedophile (for the first time).
It is not a fair cop! You shouldn't defer to the attitudes of teenagers, Fitsy. Sheesh. And they were Dutch. Bolt and Ackerman and Apartheid are Dutch.
And let me be the first (here) to congratulate the Bikes on the Arts Vic grant. Woohoo, etc.
I used to be young and sexy too MsFits! I still get drunk sometimes, but I don't get the urge to run around the streets in my underpants anymore!
young at heart. i love the type.
Ahhh, the joys of reliving our teenage years.
You probably did it with more grace than most... okay, with more grace than I ever did. Happy now? :(
Welcome to old and creepy x.
U didnt actually heckle Goddess Gretal did you??? I can cope with you heckling Darren (is it true he is really a 14yo lesbian?) but not the lovely Gretal - Fop will have you on toast!
oh dear, I can relate.
But never fear, Fits, you will always be Forever Young.
god now I sound really old.
Are you saying there's something wrong with being an irritated pirate syphillis or no???
Huh? Huh? Are you?
*scowls*
You should have worn a "free tha refugees" tee shirt.
Did gretel look pregnant?
If she is, remember, my blog called it first.
...
Don't feel bad about the dutch backpackers, the one effort I made at chatting up a dutch girl was roundly rejected, and I was 17 and had a nice head of hair at the time.
see then it was clearly nothing to do with you, fits. and nothing to do with you looking old, since you get carded wherever you go. you minx.
that was me, above. calling you a minx.
i am out of the closet now. i was trapped. for a minute there.
Saw an ad for the "First Tuesday Book Club" last night with Jennifer Byrne. I guess they are showing it after all.
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