And later on, Barnaby Joyce apparently photocopied his scrotum before throwing up in the stationery cupboard!
It is fucking festive season, and all around Canberra Our Esteemed Leaders are letting hairs down and cutting rugs. And why shouldn't they, you pious lefty bitch? They have been sweating it out so bad, what with that sweeping worker change thing, and feeling sorry for the hanging guy, and damn it all to hell those brown people aren't going to lock themselves up are they?
Here are some things that pleased me when they happened at recent political shindigs:
- Dig those crazy Nationals!
They're so misunderstood, our National Party. You think they're just ruddy-faced bores in King Gee chinos sounding off about reffos and poofs. YOU RACIST. They are actually full-time party animals with a degree in Good Times*! Why only on Monday, 'Team Nationals' rocked up to the Coalition MP Yuletide 'Cock'Tail Drinks wearing Hawaiian shirts! DO THESE FUCKING FARMERS KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME OR WHAT.
'We just decided it's nice to escape the rigidities of parliamentary life,' said Queensland National Paul Neville, before chugging a kegger, setting his pubic hair alight and sending an oily pig through the Alpha Beta Sorority Rooms.
*misuse of degree punishable by court of law.
- A funny thing happened on the way to the Lodge!
Oh, that John 'Boom Boom' Howard. Anally retentive pinch-face cunt-knuckle one day, killer stand-up comedian the next! Just listen to what he had to say to the Canberra press gallery at the Lodge 'Ladies First Drink Free, No Thongs or Denim' Christmas Knees-Up:
'I know all of you are thinking about next year. Well, I'm here to give you a bit of a scoop, and this is what I think. A lot of people have been talking about the need for new faces, but I think we've got a good team, they are performing well and will continue to perform well. People have talked about changing things around, reshuffling...but as I said, I'm here to give you a bit of a scoop...Australia will regain the Ashes next year when England tours.'
KA-BLAMMO! You see what he did there? YOU THOUGHT HE WAS MAKING REFERENCE TO ONE PARTICULAR THING AND HE TWISTED YOUR PRESUMPTION FOR COMIC EFFECT!
Reports that Mr. Howard followed with the killer gag about the man in a sex shop buying a Muslim inflatable doll because they blow themselves up are unfounded.
Watch your back, George 'Who Let The Wogs Out' Kapiniaris!
'Mama Mia! And other such racially insensitive cliches!'
- Workplace Relations Minister Kevin Andrews raged like Mickey Rourke on angel dust!
'Will you be cracking open the champagne and doing a little happy dance?' enquired a journalist.
'Ah...look, I'm a very sort of cautious person, you know there is a lot more to be done and drafting the regulations that go with this legislation,' replied Our Hero.
PUT IT AWAY BEFORE YOU HAVE SOMEONE'S EYE OUT, YOU TWENTY-FOUR HOUR PARTY BEAST!
Other things you may have missed!
- Philip Ruddock's stunning post-it note striptease after one too many vodka lime sodas!
- Peter Costello's cunning 'would you like to see my elephant' impression!
- Amanda Vanstone's fun-tastic Christmas parody to the tune of Jingle Bells! (first verse: 'Dashing through the sea/On an overcrowded Boat/So Many Families/Hard to Stay Afloat, HAHAHA' etc)
671 days til the next election.
Comments
Can't type laughing too hard. Where do I get my degree?
Truths?
Is it true that Phillip Ruddock gets to play Santa:
Kiddie: "Can I get a toy car?"
Phillip: "No cunt, sucked in you get JAIL and /or HANGING and laughed at by people you don't know!" "NEXT!"
Mandy Vandy as Mrs Claus is too true to be funny however.
Is it also true that Phillip goes to a "spray on death glow" place where they give him that pasty, dead-a-few-weeks ago look that works so well for him?
You were on a roll with that one, weren't you? Ace.
"John 'Boom Boom' Howard"
I fucking love the name "Boom Boom". I plan on using it constantly although only when referring to our PM.
I once randomly gatecrashed the NSW parliament Xmas back many moons ago. Told Kate Lundy's mum I thought her daughter was hot, then had someone undersecretary (or something – it was hazy by then) ask me if I wanted to come to her office and watch her do a handstand. I – for some reason – declined and ducked off to steal the cue ball from the pool room and then leave.
Wish I could recall what the fuck I was doing there.
Lovely post.
I was hoping you would mention the Vic Government chrissy party, it got old skool and people started Brackdancing.
My word verification thing is "irksy". I like it.
holy shit. i just stumbled upon your blog and am still in hysterics. rock on. i think that bronwyn bishop is s shoe in for the grinch role, in the howard family christmas.
i thought it was common knowledge that nationals loved the piss?
nothing else to do out in the woop woops.
that is, if they even live there these days
Mandy in a festive print dress, being mistaken for the tree.
Lil Johnnys head, reflecting the Christmas lights and being mistaken for the Star of the East.
I love Christmas in Australia.
Your use of capitals and expletives gives me the MOTHERFUCKING HORN.
xoxox nora
Love your work, mademoiselle fits.
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