Are you calling me queer?
I just drove past a new Big M advertisement. There was a picture of an enormous bottle of chocolate milk and the accompanying text as follows:
'Seriously, it's okay to drink bottled water. Everyone knows we're running dangerously low on metrosexuals.'
Do you love this somewhat confused attempt at reverse psychology? Are they for real goading men into drinking Big M so they don't appear gay-esque? Like yeah, whatever. Drink bottled water if you want to, Faggy McFagenstein. Then go get your back waxed and buy hair product.
I don't fucking get how they're being sniffy about the perceived gayness of bottled water drinkers (and don't get all pedantic with me about them using the 'm' word; they mean 'homo' and you and I both know it) when they're marketing flavoured milk drink . Which, just by the by, if you add liquor to it suddenly becomes the most girlish and twee thing in the history of ladyland. Do you see many construction workers knocking back Jaffa Mudslides of a Friday evening? No. But bung a pie with sauce next to a Big M and you're all of sudden so full of testosterone you're growing an extra ballbag. I don't get it.
Homoerotic dairy-based community service announcement over.
1058 days til the next election.
Comments
I say bring back the Big M Girls and cars shooting through billboards and babes on skis and in hot-tubs on the top of snow-topped mountains. "They go UP! They GO DOWN! The BIIIIG EMMM GIRRRRRLS!"
That'll put some hairs on yer chest!
You're only saying that because you are a Big M girl, Clemmy B.
BRING BACK "FMs"!!!!!
"fm...Fmm....FMMMM!!!
She got im then,
wih a cold FM...
It can happen to you right outa tha blue
But once ya get hit ya want MORE of it!
AYIAYIAYIAYIAYYYYAAAA
Shockittome, shockittome, shockittome
AYIAYIAYIAAYIAYIAAAAA"
Seriously, until you truly *experience* the unbridled brilliance which is "Coffee Chill" - the finest percolated ICED coffee in a carton - you wouldn't know ya lattes from ya skinny whites!
But why is it, that the Greatest Flavoured Milks are localised to WA? Why are we so damn good? That's the *real* issue at hand, stuff ya bloody metro's and la-di-dah water-tap-water-aint-good-enuff-for-ya...you make me sick!
$BDW$
ok firstly, a meat pie washed down with a BIG M - probably the worst thing I have ever thought of doing. Seriously. ::GAG:: Now as an out and proud gay man (yes I'm here I'm queer, ahh just fuck off) I'm not really sure if i'm supposed to be offended by that slogan or not.
One thing I remember from OAKS day is being on the train at flemmington and seeing an advert for thier strawberry big M and there was some slogan about real men drinking pink or something....
Since when does big M give a fuck who's drinking thier product? Seriously, thier old advertising techniques relied on men looking like bums walking into a milkbar going MMMMgchaka MMMMgchaka - do I need to say more?
so uuuh... choc milk makes you more testosteroney? hmmm syllogistically therefore i can blame the fact i am gay on chocolate Nesquik? wicked. reckon i could sue?
my mother will be so happy it's not her fault. except that she funded my nesquik habit. because 'teen girls need milk to stop osteopirosis.'
does anyone remember Duncan? at least i think it was Duncan. a flavoured milk that had a name. gold.
the whole add campaign revolved around blaming things on Duncan, only to pull away and reveal Duncan as a chocolate milk. i'm still belly laughing. now that's advertising.
I love you ms fits. Thank you for your blog, and I do hope i meet a women a great as you. :P
Lot's Of Love
Gaz.
P.S. Big M makes me fill my toilet bowl.
But metrosexuals aren't gay! They only think of cocks, not suck them.
The lines are blurred now and the only way MMM can ensure you're over them is to drive a HQ Holden and be wearing a flannelette shirt with tight short-shorts revealing your disfigured penis.
This is hot.
(spell check 'metrosexual' and it insists 'hetrosexual' ... secretly assimilating one e-mail at a time)
it was called GARY. fuckin' pisser. even if i'm the only one to think so.
Gary! Ha!
Yet even when you said 'DUNCAN' I knew exactly what you meant.
'GARY' milk. Genius. I'm sure that proved quite the mirth-maker when the creators were sucking back their twelfth bucket bong for the day.
Big M rocks. I travelled on the Big M Bus packed with Big M Girls when I was but a naive eight year old...fuelled not only my calcium starved body, but also my pre-pubescent mind for years to come.
No pun intended.
It's true. Milk is very tough. Gary was so butch that no-one took it off the shelves and it died about 6 months after being launched. Possibly because your average brickies labourer; the ones nurturing highly unrealistic ideas about the likelihood of their bumhole being penetrated by random, predatory, handbag-carrying homosexuals should they demonstrate a whiff of accidental girlishness, were uncomfortable with putting something with a bloke's name in their mouth.
I think it should have been called 'Beverley'. That's far more approachable and sensible. Could have opened up a whole new market segment amongst the neo-con Christian cardigan set.
how bout taking the GARY idea and bitchin' it up. what's a good boob name? TIFFANY and CHERYL. hooker names are cool.
or how 'bout BITCH JUICE. no matter how many times i drop bitch juice, it's still funny.
MILF. now that's good.
my bitch juice brings all the boys to the yard...
i like it!
we should totally go into business selling milk. yeah. Milf Flavoured Milk. hehe..
or yep, hooker names. Tiffanymilk in Strawberry, Candice in Chocolate and erm... Miranda in Vanilla.
In the NT there is a phenomenon called PAUL'S ICED COFFEE, that takes the Mannie-Man marketing pitch of 'scoffee to the next level.
In most cafes and servos in the NT there is about half a fridge devoted to the stuff. It comes in light and regular, and can be bought in 300, 600, 800, 1000 and 2000 ml options. It is immensely popular.
Ads include several women running around a racetrack in slow motion with their bikini clad breasts heaving, while some bloke commentates, and another where a woman is waiting at a deserted landing strip for her man who comes running off a plane, they run towards each other, then he shoves past her and keeps running until he gets inside and pulls a 'scoff from the fridge. She swings a punch at him, he ducks and says "you missed me didnya?"
I think GARY's downfall was that it wasn't called DUNCAN. I'd buy a flavoured milk called Duncan any day of the week. Ordering Duncan would be like injecting 500mL of Essence of Coolness directly into your eyeballs:
"Just a Chocolate Duncan, thanks, boss."
"Big Mac, curly fries and a Banana Duncan please."
"Got a Large Vanilla Duncan? Actually, make that a Large Skinny Vanilla Duncan."
But imagine asking anyone for a Pink Gary. You'd be laughed out of The Market.
Meanwhile: Can't get Eggflip Big M anywhere anymore. Except in those tiny little UHT fruitbox cartons. And no other brand in Victoria makes it. Except Pauls, and they only do it over Christmas.
So I like egg in my milk. Who you calling fag?
Of course if Duncan was a beer the jingle would just write itself...
Okay, blogpoll: wrongest Big M flavour EVER? My money's on Blue Heaven and Chocberry.
As a breastfeeding mother all this macho-milky-booby stuff is making me feel funny. You're macho if you never really get over the maternal paps? I was hoping to get my boobs back one day...
I don't have much time for different Big M flavours. I'm too busy drinking Cockolada and Boo Bee Juice.
slave, i am just about to have my boobs back after 2 years. can't recommend it highly enough. joy of breastfeeding my arse. although my son certainly enjoyed it... its possible i was creating the human equivalent of egg flip. to me it just tasted like sweetish water with a touch of goat.
they have jaffa mudslides??? slide one my way baby.
Best flavoured milk: Farmers Union Iced Coffee.
OAK comes a close second.
Worst flavoured milk: That Viking stuff. The only word for it is Gurg.
Moove came out with some particularly bilious flavours during the 90s, too...
Oh yeah, As far as Big M goes, Blue Heaven came out way in front of Chocberry. But the Choc-Hazel stuff was pretty good...
Wrongest flavoured milk flavours? Not Big M, and can't remember the name, but there was a brand of milk in the 80s that had flavours like orange and lemon - things that just felt wrong going with milk. I couldn't think about them without imagining the milk being curdled.
Poll: considering my last comment it has to be choc-orange. But back to Fits' original line of thinking: Blue Heaven is for girls and groomers.
"You're only saying that because you are a Big M girl, Clemmy B"
Fun Fact: in my Year 11 media studies class, while examining the Big M Girls pantheon, I offered a critique based on the phallic imagery and suggested penetration within all the ads up to about 1990. The class went deathly quiet, and then some bloke in the back row piped up: "Well... you're just obsessed with sex!"
omg the EXACT same thing happened to me when we studied the big M ads in year 11!!! i wass teased no end!! but now here i am 3 years into a media course heheheh
BRING BACK GARY MILK THE TASTE WAS INDEED SUPERIER IF YOU DONT MELBOURNE WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU
ASAP.
WHO THE FUCK IS GARY
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