Reasons you will hate me

That's the trouble with reading the Herald-Sun; even occasionally. You always live to regret it!

I wonder allows Mia to think anyone is actually interested in what she has to say?






Just asking.

NNNYAAAAAAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! YEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOOO!!!
Stop it Ms Fits, you're killing me!

I would like to complain about the above post.

I didn't know who or what you were talking about, and I hate not knowing the whole story, so I investigated. This led me to Mia Freedman's website 'mamamia.com.au', and my head is now pounding with the echo of inanity. I blame you. I can't blame Mia, it would be politically incorrect. To misquote Eddie Perfect, some of my best friends are retards.

I look forward to Mia's column in the paper each weekend. I use its unique vapidness as a bit of a reboot for my brain -- turn brain off, read, shake head, turn brain on, ready for next week of thinking.

Speaking of Herald Sun headlines, check out page three today:
Above a photo of Warrick Capper, who stands grinning in a busty blonde sandwich with meter maids either side of him, is the headline:

Warwick Capper finds his slot

bwaaaahahahahahaha....

That Warwick Capper photo was my second choice for a blog post this morning, Bianca. The Sun have been rich in brainless goodness this week.

Oh Mia, you bastion of feminist empowerment and fury. Please teach me self-empowerment through pleasing my man in 10 ways.

Mia has a happy, smiley face. I like her chair and cushions. Her painting, or possibly photograph, might be interesting, but there is not enough of it to tell. Her top is acceptable, but the pantaloons and shoes indicate a lack of breeding. I’d imagine that she’s from Glen Waverley or some such. The rug confirms this suspicion. The way that she grips the coffee mug is suggestive of a level of substance abuse approaching that of Fits herself. Note the way she sits on the chair. I would say that she spends many, many hours on the toilet. Her cheery expression rules out constipation, so I’d suggest that she suffers from one of the chronic diarrheal disorders, Crohn’s disease possibly, that she has adapted to with the cheery stoicism of the lower middle classes. Good on her.

"many, many hours on the toilet. Her cheery expression rules out constipation, so I’d suggest that she suffers from one of the chronic diarrheal disorders"

COPRAPHILIA ... or was it FAECOPHILIA

Good morning (just!) anon 11.57. Faecophilia is the wittier and funnier of the two, but expert opinion seems to go with copraphilia.

I can't stand Mia Freedman. As far as I can tell, she hasn't had ANY comments on her blog yet.

Maybe she's deleted all the comments from the h8ers?

Neither have I and I'm much prettier than she is.

New headline, to the tune of Billy Ocean...

"When the angel gets boned,
The boned get blogging"

The REAL expert opinion is with copr-O-philia.

easier to pronounce as well...

Upon your recommendation I had a read of Mia's blog. www.mamamia.com.au.
Shit it's lame. Prince, singer/songwriter and part time Jehovah's Witness, once said the key to being really creative is to find our own story. Mia's story's are vanilla chicklit attempts at humour while ripping off others ideas.
And if she mentions again how she forgets to pick up her child from childcare again, I am going to call Department of Child Protection, it's called neglect Mia!

Just because Mia Freedman is 100 times more marketable than Marieke 'Hairy' Hardy.

Hey, settle down 2:25! I do the Marike bashing on this site!

I've never heard of her. Do I fail?

sub-editors do headlines. of which you have one. who reads your blog. who asked you what you thought of the last week gg headline, in one of your posts.

i was almost a sub-editor for the age. they didn't have money then to pay for one extra, though.


oh and hello.

Yes I remember being delighted when I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease.

hey MG - dügünün nasil? :-)

"mikeed1313 said... Neither have I and I'm much prettier than she is."

But on the other hand, you smell of human excrement.

Fits, I've just noticed that you leave huge gaps between the different parts of your posts. Do you have one of thpse shaky diseases which causes your finger to bounce uncontrollably on the return key? You might try one of those huge keyboards that sight impaired people use. Or as you are an alcoholic, perhaps you've developed the DT's but are too busy to have noticed. I suggest that you start the day with a couple of jolts of Calvados in your coffee and see if that helps. A litre of wine with lunch is highly recommended.

She reminds me of me!
Another useless, facile individual,
with no discernible talent or eyes.

Now, now Antonia, there's no need to be mean. Shakiness and alcoholism can happen to anyone, even famous and beautiful people like Fits.

You are trés bitchy towards Ms Fits mikeed1313. Why?

I think mikeed1313 wants to pull Ms Fits pigtails in the playground then kiss her behind the shelter shed.

Play Misty for me mikeed1313...stalker much!

Now, we need to clear up this business of my romantic interest in Fits once and for all.

I don’t want to sleep with, live with or marry Fits, although I’d be happy to have coffee with her and maybe go to the movies.

If she was a wine Hardy that would be different. I’d stalk a wine Hardy to the very ends of the earth if that was what it took to win her over.

But Fits is a literary Hardy and as such has nothing to bring to the table. If I want literature, I’ll write it myself.

And can you even begin to imagine what a task it would be to maintain Fits? It would be like owning one of those old sports cars you spend more time pushing than driving.

Next time you see Fits on the telly, note the expression of sheer petulance on her little face, and that’s when she’s having a ball!

Just imagine what she’d be like if you accidentally left the toilet seat up! Fits, sad to say, would be a magnificent pain in the bum, and she’d be the first to admit it.

No, my interest in Fits can be summed up in one little proverb that you may or may not have to think about.

‘The higher up the monkey climbs the more we see its arse’

Why is Mikeed so bitchy? Might have something to do with the fact that she is a prime target for this sort of derision!

I have not read Mia's blog, but I am willing to bet that it is better than at least two blogs that I have read. Those two blogs were written by (a) Victoria Beckham and (b) Mikeed.

Mikeed, whoever the hell you are, out of genuine concern for your wellbeing may I suggest that you get some help before it's too late.

And, out of genuine concern for anyone who may accidentally read your blog, please erase it immediately and then go away. I want the five minutes of my life that it took to read your entire blog and both the comments on it back, right now.

Posh has a blog? How the hell do you blog with crayons?

None of those things will be happening, Craig

Goodness! Why are the cyber geeks so nasty today?
Mia Freedman...she may be a boring simpleton but she is exactly the type of editor/programmer that allows Marieke to make a living. If anyone here has been unfortunate enough to see more than 5 minutes of 'the catchup' you'd know what I mean.

You know, I think I actually preferred that other very unhinged commenter from a while back - you know, the one who would bang on about how all women were sluts and they should go back to the kitchen and blow him and so on? - over mikeed. The latter doesn't seem to realise that if he doesn't want to be exposed to ms fits, he doesn't have to be - he can switch over from the ABC once a month, avoid listening to RRR once a week, skip a section in the green guide, or (and this is my recommended option) fuck right off from this page.

But methinks he doth protest too much, as he seems to have spent hours obsessing over her: writing about her, mentally decorating her [fictional] apartment, photoshopping creepy little photos of her, delineating her physical features, outfits, shoes, and so on, worrying his little noggin about her smoking habits, DEVOTING A FUCKING BLOG TO HER...

I'm guessing this is a combination of sexual fixation and career-related sour grapes, if that 'proverb' is anything to go by - though even that's somewhat incongruous as I seem to recall him describing her arse in rather favourable terms not so long ago.

Warwick Capper... speak of the devil. I was at the airport tonight, waiting to pick up my girlfriend and my (not so) little 7 month old bundle of furious energy, and who should be on the same flight from the Gold Coast to Sydney, but Wokka.

First time I've seen the man in a scenario other than me laughing at whatever newspaper or magazine is taking the piss out of him. And what a look he has. Long hair that needs a REAL good wash, some sort of 80s attempt at cool sports jacket, and leopard print pants. Imagine Fabio having lived on the streets for about 14 months.

I guess he's here for the Swans' 25 years in Sydney bash. They needed a touch of class and ferried in the Wokk.

It actually takes less time than you'd think, 9.08. Photoshop CX runs like a Ferrari, and if you give me a chimpanzee, half a dozen bananas and half a day of his time, I'll give you a writer.

Mikeed is the new genius. I'll be 'fucking right off' and reading his blog instead of Marieke's. Actually, I won't. Why? Because part of the sport of reading RYWHM is watching the Hardy acolytes getting strident when somebody dares to take their patron saint's name in vain.

If you bag the Hardy out in a dumb way, ie. 'you are a dumb fat slut', you simply arouse the wry, derogatory amusement of the syncopants. If you can manage to be clever, like Mikeed (whoever this genius is) you get a small dissertation such as can be seen in this comments thread defending the Hardy.

Keep writing, Mikeed. Keep calling this pop-culture 'lite'-weight until she caves and starts moderating comments so she can ban you! It's not okay to be cutting when you start cutting too close to the bone.


Finally, I have one snide remark to add: Marieke, parting your hair straight down the middle makes you look Amish.

That will be all. Acolytes, please have your haughty rebuffs prepared and on my desk by 9am tomorrow morning.

...

And by 'syncopants', I of course mean 'syncophants'. OR DO I.

Bad Air Day? That's funbelievabubble!

The only thing that kind of disturbs me about mikeed is that he's the only person I've encountered who writes fanfiction about a real person.

But then, different strokes for different folks. And also Growing Pains.

How do you know the fan-fiction is really 'fiction'?

Most of what I've read sounds pretty true - lives in Fitzroy, takes drugs, goes out, inexplicably puts big gaps in each post, and had thousands of dollars spent on her private Carey education. I try and avoid seeing Marieke in her various mediums, but the little vagina face (and I say that with humorous affection) keeps cropping up in the matter of an indie Eddy McGuire, except Marieke has a smaller penis than Eddie (and a vagina face... I'm sorry, but she does!)

Come on kids, be nice! Can't we at least be civil to each other?

I must say that I agree with the comment regarding the dozen or so devoted followers of Marieke who seem to be personally hurt if anyone dares to criticise her. For fucks sakes, the girl writes a fluff piece about television once a week and appears on a couple of government funded programs...she aint the messiah.

Thank you, 10.59, but I won’t have Fits abused, and you double-spaced a paragraph. We can’t be having that shit soldier! Give me 50.

Hey Mike, your writing is really shit. The sad thing is, you are trying. This is pretty much the biggest thing happening for you right now isn't it.

Hi, 11.58. No, there are other things happening as well. Sorry you don't like the writing. Rug up if you're in Melbourne, its only going to be four degrees tonight.

I know it's fanfiction because I live in a bush outside Fits's bedroom window.

You know, as "otter" points out, she writes a TV column and appears on a show or two, one of which is only on monthly. Avoiding her, if one actually wishes to, should not be a Herculean effort. It is quite clear that you, like myself and of course Mikeed, are desperately in love with our distinguished lady of letters.

I bumped into Wazza a few years ago in some random pub... he was good fun and seemed to be oblivious to the teasing (not sure if he was putting up a brave face but suspect he might not have been entirely aware).

Kscope, methinks the look you're describing is Mugatu's latest 'Derelicte' effort...

To be honest I think there's a bit of amusement in some of Mikeed's writings, though the toilet humour & poetry are, well, crap. If only he could ditch the snide, stalkery aspect & turn his/her powers to good not evil (or to good evil not evil evil, if you get my drift).

p.s. anon at 10:59, I don't think anyone wears syncopants anymore, unless they're on a fox hunt. Pretentious anons like you are my favourite commenters because you denounce Fits as a 'lite'-weight & finish with a comment on hairstyle. As Harry Hutton said on his blog a while ago, "irony can be pretty ironic sometimes".

What on earth is a *vagina face*?
And don't say *Ms Fits* -- I want to know how a face can look like a vagina?!

kscope! Just had to say LOL!

Warwick Capper - 'Imagine Fabio having lived on the streets for about 14 months.'

Gold.

And Ms Fits, I do like the way you write. Subject matter and execution. Meant in a non -sycophantic way.

DR
*who enjoys the eclectic mix of witty and at times lowbrow commentary on this blog*

Good morning everybody

Guess what! I’ve had a beer for breakfast! A green label Coopers to be precise. For lunch I think I’ll have some instant noodles with an egg mixed through them.

Fits, Kevin is fucking up, not that it’s going to make much difference who wins the election. It’s a bit like having to choose what sort of cancer you’re going to get. New Zealand is looking pretty good right now. I was there a few months ago and its like France compared to this dump.

I think you need to replace the photo of Kevin with something a bit more cheery. He looks like a man taking advice on how full his colostomy bag should be before he changes it.

Good morning everybody

Guess what! I’ve had a beer for breakfast! A green label Coopers to be precise. For lunch I think I’ll have some instant noodles with an egg mixed through them.

Fits, Kevin is fucking up, not that it’s going to make much difference who wins the election. It’s a bit like having to choose what sort of cancer you’re going to get. New Zealand is looking pretty good right now. I was there a few months ago and its like France compared to this dump.

I think you need to replace the photo of Kevin with something a bit more cheery. He looks like a man taking advice on how full his colostomy bag should be before he changes it.

Ha! Fits has cracked! She really is just like all the rest of them!

Good morning everybody

Guess what! I’ve had a beer for breakfast! A green label Coopers to be precise. For lunch I think I’ll have some instant noodles with an egg mixed through them.

Fits, Kevin is fucking up, not that it’s going to make much difference who wins the election. It’s a bit like having to choose what sort of cancer you’re going to get. New Zealand is looking pretty good right now. I was there a few months ago and its like France compared to this dump.

I think you need to replace the photo of Kevin with something a bit more cheery. He looks like a man taking advice on how full his colostomy bag should be before he changes it.

HAAAAAHAAAAHAAAHAA! I'll be back!! HAAHAHHAHAAHAHAAAHAAAARRR.......

HAHAAHAHHHAHHHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHARRRRRRRRRRR! Fits can't take it!

Good morning everybody

Guess what! I’ve had a beer for breakfast! A green label Coopers to be precise. For lunch I think I’ll have some instant noodles with an egg mixed through them.

Fits, Kevin is fucking up, not that it’s going to make much difference who wins the election. It’s a bit like having to choose what sort of cancer you’re going to get. New Zealand is looking pretty good right now. I was there a few months ago and its like France compared to this dump.

I think you need to replace the photo of Kevin with something a bit more cheery. He looks like a man taking advice on how full his colostomy bag should be before he changes it.

Hi Ms Fits, very good demolition job on Mia, well done!

I don't see why Mia shouldn't write a blog when Marieke is allowed to write one.

Why is Mikeed1313 laughing? Did Marieke ban him or something and he found another way to come back?

Why ban someone now?

What is a vagina face? I hadn't really thought about it until someone here asked. It seems to me that a vagina face refers to someone (and yes, I'm afraid Marieke would 'fit' the description) who has funny flimsy facial feature that put you in mind of a cross little vagina.

mikeed has officially reached creepy person status. Holy guacamole mikeed why are you putting so much time into this? What happened to you?

It's not creepy to do a piss take. Particularly when you have such abundantly rich material.

Well, I'll be the first to say that I've been an idiot. Fits has either unbanned me or there was a problem with the site. If its the former, then Fits has earned my respect. The next MH essay will contain only minimal references to her various secretions, real or imagined. Sorry. And really, I don't put a huge ammount of effort into this stuff. I'm on the computer anyway, and a growing lad needs a bit of fun!

I'm sorry. I have had a bad week. I didn't really mean any harm, can you all please forgive me? My penis is exceptionally small. Oh fuck what have I done with my life.

Hey! somebody has hijacked me! It's probrably Fits. She'll have taken my advice and started drinking during the day. That's why the dog is shitting on the floor.

Hi folks. Someone even nastier than me is out there! Can you believe that? The clever thing has appropriated mikeed1313 and is putting up nasty things. I'll run with it; see if you can work out which is which.

Oh, you devious little bugger! I suppose this is the end of the line for my current incarnation. I tell you what, I'll publish all my real comments on my blog. That should clear things up. Toodloo!

I'm just getting comfortable thanks 3.25. Why would I want to leave? I like things just the way they are!

Wow, this is like watching Ash battle with the evil, little Ash spawns in Evil Dead.

Indeed, 4.34. When I win lotto I'm going to send everybody in Australia to France for a gap year so they can find out that its OK to play with other peoples naughty bits provided you ask them nicely and to get a philosophical perspective on why its so important to have a go at Fits!

You've confused me Mikeed. Your "indeed" appears to signify agreement of some sort with my Evil Dead reference but your subsequent musings on lotto & France bear no relationship at all to this (unless I'm missing something obvious, like the French are all zombies/devilspawn/etc). I'm starting to get the feeling that this is all about you ...

Sorry, 7.34. I understand in general terms what you are on about, but the zombie thing sort of passed me by and I'm not really knowlegeable enough to comment.

As for the rest of it, I'm just trying to keep my environmental footprint on the site as small as possible by putting as much stuff into each individual post as I can.

my goodness, it's gone all Three Faces of Eve around here...

Apologies to the RYWHM family for my outburst before, just got a bit shirty that what was usually a little cyber-den of warm-hearted niceness was being sullied by graphic descriptions of shit. Am now thoroughly enjoying the mikeeds' rumble, please do carry on...

ps the etymology of 'sycophant' is fascinating, go look it up!

Yes, 8.40, evil stalks the blogosphere. It has been a trying day. A furious Fitite, sobbing with rage, got into unkie mikies toolbox and started putting the sockets in the wrong holes and rearranging the screwdrivers.

But you daddy is alert, very alert, and a relentless, ruthless opponent, and had the foul fellow's scrotum in his fist in short order.

Turn the blanket up to ten, it will be a cold night in Gotham City.

It's all gonna be ok, people of Gotham City. I know who Mikeed1313 is and those who need to know will be told. Too funny and sad in a 'hot chocolate, sexual predator' kind of a way. Poor love. Put this sucker in the empathy drawer and move on. Mikeed1313 week ahead looks dark and stormy. Run for cover motherfucker!

oh god, please do not refer to yourself as 'my daddy' ever again, you strange little man

"I know who you are and its so funny it hurts my ringhole! This is where you are going to hurt later cause you are fucked my friend! I have photos and I am going to post them on my blg to show who you are, where you work and what a loser you are. Poor baby. say goodnight to the nice people."

Yaaarr! It begins! Sound general quarters! Ms Fits, crash dive if you please, give me fifteen degrees inclination on the bow planes, rig for silent running….

Sorry, 9.49, it was a reference to '70's movies of the 'Shaft' genre. Of course I'm not your 'daddy' silly! Now stay behind the tape, things are just getting interesting......

Home on a Friday night mikeed1313? No life? Of course not, you are here blogging.
I am at home after recovering from an organ transplant operation. A big shout out to all the folks at the Austin!
To put some perspective on all of this banter. Sometimes we do not enough courage to be all that we want to be so we hurt those who are doing what we want to be doing.
I hope you find your peace mikeed1313 and do something great with all of your fire and wit.

Well personally I'm at home because the missus is at a girly weekend and the DOCS looks unkindly on 2 year olds unattended whilst you're at the pub. Even if they're secured in their cots and you leave the heater on and all. Fucking do-gooders.

But yes, Mikeed's continued presence has at least put paid to theories that he might in fact be Fits pulling some post-modern stunt on her fans.

Hi 10.28. I'm really pleased that you're doing well. the Austin is a great place. In another incarnation, I flew a heart from Christchurch to Auckland in New Zealand and later got to meet the person it went into. That's as close as I've ever come to a spiritual experience. You go well my friend, keep on rocking.

Shit man! Have I been punked by Ms Fits?

Are your mikeed1313 really Ms Fits?

I thought you were Tim Howard, I was all ready to pop up some photos of you wearing a corset and a garbage bag on your head from the Law ball, all British polly style.
I apologise. I have nothing now that it is not Tim. I still will post them anyway on the Liberal party website.

I am ms fits, 11, you should have been able to tell from the contents of my kleenex. Give me 60 for your blasphemy.

Why? Need a reminder from your fans that they love you? Was it an RMIT creative writing assignment?
I feel used and dirrty as X-Stina says.

oh as if it's fits, please

11.09, Give me 80 for even pretending to think that you'll learn anything creative from RMIT! Smoke 'em if you've got 'em, people!

aaYaaarr! Stand down from general quarters, every- body! Ms Fits, resume own navigation, the incident is under contol. Yaar!.

Arrr! Me old cabin mate mikeed1313AW has signed on as first mate on this rotting hulk, this ship of the dead. Raise a snifter of rum to the excellent little thing!

She’s in the Officer’s mess at the moment, breakfasting on ouefs en murette and pan-fried calves liver with an onion confit, washed down with Chateauneuf du Pape, which I think is a bit heavy for this time of day, but mikeed1313AW is her own woman and I’ll not be arguing the toss with her.

I have to go ashore for a while, shipmates, but the vessel is in good hands. Ms Fits, see that there is plenty of toilet paper on the bridge so Ms mikeed1313AW can wipe the parrot faeces off her perfectly delineated shoulder. Eeaaarr.

sagol, anon. ben cok iyi bugun, ama biraz soguk. siz?

Merhaba MG, 'bügün' degil - 'dügün' (yumusak 'g')- ie 'how was your wedding? Also 'çok soguk' means I'm very frigid! çok usudum (I shivered) for 'I'm cold'. Kendine iyi bak.

Hmmm. I’m not going to do this any more, because I’ve upset a person who I like and respect, namely mikeed1313AW. It’s a six degrees of separation thing. I’ll put up some writing and comics every now and again, stay tuned.