But can you make an omlette after?
Last night on my radio show, guest segmenters - beloved Gen and Gabi - shocked the usually unflappable me and Paul by regaling us with a tale of what a lonely man can do on a night in.
You will need:
- Two eggs.
- A clean kitchen lino floor.
- Absolute certainty that your parents or housemates will be out for the evening.
- A long extension lead.
- A mop.
- Utter dedication to the art of masturbation experimentation.
Step 1: Move television and vcr into kitchen (using extension lead, see diagram).
Step 2: Separate the egg white from the yolks.
Step 3: Smear the egg 'gel' (their words) onto your cock head, shaft and balls.
Step 4: Pour remaining egg white onto kitchen floor.
Step 5: Start pornographic video on vcr.
Step 6: Lie down on kitchen floor writhing and 'Play it' *.
Step 7: Imagine a lovely vagina.
Step 8: Pour remaining egg goo into your bottom.
Step 9: Ejaculate.
Step 10: Feel instantly ashamed and dirty. Mop up. Swear to never masturbate again. Go and read Bible. Weep.
889 days til the next election.
*Yes, they said this. 'Play It'. Hideous.
Comments
What a waste of two eggs. I personally thought that the trick involving the piece of liver was much more interesting and far less messy.
Crass!
Sorry, what the fuck?!
In addition to generally being confused, I don't understand why the white goes on the cock-and-balls + floor while the yolk goes in the arse.
You would want to make 'absolutely certain' there was no shell in the white wouldn't you.
It seems like something that could be done on a lifestyle show: "and here is a lonely-night-in that I created earlier". Jamie Oliver, eats your arse out
It's so wrong, isn't it?
I forgot to mention that someone left an egg wrapped in an elastic band outside the station for us after the show. The accompanying note said: 'Thanks for the night in.'
There's really nothing else I can say about that.
i might have to give that a crack!
*boom tish*
What the fuck?
I always been envious that women can practice onanism without all that mess....
"onanism"
Shagging your Nan?
The slippy liver business was probably too literary and classy for this blog.
In fairness, I think most of the mess in this scenario is created by the eggs.
For those with similarly limited biblical vernacular:
Main Entry: onan·ism
Pronunciation: 'O-n&-"niz-&m
Function: noun
1 : MASTURBATION
2 : COITUS INTERRUPTUS —onan·is·tic /"O-n&-'nis-tik/ adjective
Onan /'O-n&n/, Biblical character. In the Book of Genesis Onan was commanded by his father to impregnate the widow of his slain brother and to raise the offspring of the union. In order to avoid raising descendants for his late brother, however, Onan engaged in coitus interruptus.
Does your familiarity with such biblical references infer Step 10 (go and read bible. Weep) is part of your 'routine'?
He, knowing that the children should not be his, when he went in to his brother's wife, spilled his seed upon the ground, lest children should be born in his brother's name.
And therefore the Lord slew him, because he did a detestable thing.
Onanism is more linked to the 'spilling seeds upon the ground bit' than coitus interruptus thingo.
I was always worried about the fact that poor Onan was slew, was it because he spilled the beans on the ground or because he stopped at Redfern with his bother's wife?
Take it as a sign of my inner sicko, but I thought the bit with the extension lead was going to turn out much worse than it did.
Guido: It was the spilling rather than parking in his brothers garage. A bit like the handmaids, it's ok to fuck someone else if your wife is infertile, but wanking is a burning offense.
Maybe I'm just too narrow minded but I can't see how the yolk in the ass is going to do anything but distract at the crucial moment. But it's good that they worked it in to the process as a way of utilising all the parts of the egg.
I hate to see waste.
I can't seem to get over how it just seems like they have done it way more than once.
I want to avoid using 'evolution', but the process bears all the hallmarks of development with practice.
I wonder how many times they did it before going "huh, you know it seems such a waste to not use these egg yolks, and i'm never hungry after wank/bible/weep ... maybe i can insert them into my anus"
Oh my god, I'm the only one who is intrigued AND repulsed aren't I? (intrigued intellectually, I should add).
I love how "Underwhelming" and "Guido" went away for a while then came back reciting Bible passages.
Hmmm...
wait wait wait --- pour the rest of the egg INTO your bottom?
IN TO?
the whole thing is fucking gross
And i thought Rove went for the lowest common denominator.
So that's what girls think we do?! Personally, I'd rather just wank and then make an omelette.
Johnny Nemo
As a fully paid up member of PETA, can I suggest you only do this type of masterbation with free range eggs!
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