Reasons you will hate me

Calling George.

Last year, when bombs started to fall on Baghdad, I got confused. How come Iraq was getting rapped on the knuckles for (apparently) harbouring WMD's when the USA were allowed to have them? It hardly seemed fair. And at about 2am one morning, after asking around my circle of knowledge (Slugger, Gabi and mum), I decided to go straight to the source and have it explained to me.
I may or may not have been smoking pot at the time. I can't remember.
I called Telstra directory assistance (1223) and asked them for the number of the White House switchboard - 202-456-1414. After some confusion over the International dialling prefix (I think it's 0011 1 from memory), I got through.


Switchboard: This is the White House, how may I direct your call?
Me: Um, hi. I was just wondering if I could ask someone a question about Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Switchboard: One moment please.
Hold music - God Bless America, Instrumental.
Switchboard: Putting you through.
ring ring. ring ring.
Presidential Comment Line Lady: This is the Presidential Comment Line, may I take down your comment?
Me: Oh. Sure. I mean - I'm calling from Australia.
Presidential Comment Line Lady: Well, hello there.
Me (pleased by slightly motherly and friendly greeting): Hi. Ah...I was just calling because I was a bit confused. And I wanted something cleared up.
Presidential Comment Line Lady: I'll do my best to help.
Me (responding well to grandmotherly charm): Wow. Great. I was just wondering how come Iraq aren't allowed to have Weapons of Mass Destruction but America are?
Presidential Comment Line Lady: (long pause) I'm not sure I understand, dear.
Me: Well, this war started because Iraq had Weapons of Mass Destruction. How come they're not allowed to have them but America is?
Presidential Comment Line Lady: (another long pause) That's not really a comment, is it? That's more of a question.
Me: I suppose. Technically.
Presidential Comment Line Lady: So I'm supposed to be taking down comments.
Me: Okay.
Another pause. Both of us confused. Perhaps we have reached an impasse.
Me (problem-solving): Maybe you could just point out to the President that it's not exactly clear to the rest of the world, then. That we don't really understand the reasons for war. Is that okay?
Presidential Comment Line Lady: (pretending to type) I've got that, dear. That's fine. Is there anything else?
Me: No, thank-you.
Presidential Comment Line Lady: Thank-you for calling the White House. Buh-bye.


It was only twenty past two in the morning, and - not unlike someone who has sat through a movie directed by Emma-Kate Croghan - I was deeply dissatisfied. So I tried again.


Switchboard: This is the White House, how may I direct your call?
Me: Hello, I just called up and spoke to someone about Weapons of Mass Destruction. Is there anyone else I could speak to apart from the Presidential Comment Line?
Switchboard: One moment please.
Hold music - Living In America, James Brown.
Switchboard: Putting you through.
ring ring. ring ring.
ring ring. ring ring.
ring ring. ring -
PR Woman: White House Public Relations.
Me: Hello. Sorry to bother you, but I'm just sitting here in Australia and I've got a question about Weapons of Mass Destruction. How come -
PR Woman (breaking in, annoyed): I'm sorry, I can't help you right now. We're having a briefing. (sounds of clinking glasses and animated chat in b/g; Shania Twain's 'Man! I Feel Like A Woman' on stereo)
Me: Oh. Is there anyone else I could talk to?
PR Woman: I'm sorry, no. (hangs up just as sounds of hooting and 'YEAH! TAKE IT FUCKING ALL OFF!' heard in b/g)


Fuck that for a joke.


Switchboard: This is the White House, how may I direct your call?
Me: Yes, hi. It's me again. Is there anyone else I could -
Switchboard: One moment please.
Hold music - Elvis Ate America - U2.
Switchboard: Putting you through.
ring ring. ring ring.
Dan: This is the Defence Department, Dan speaking.
Me: Hi, Dan. I was just calling to ask how come Iraq's not allowed to have WMD's and yet you guys are?


Well, didn't I just pick a winner with Dan from the Defence Department. He sat and talked to me for about twenty minutes about the Non-Proliferation Treaty and how practically everyone in the whole world signed it except, you know, Mr. Moustache. Not only that, but Mr. Moustache had 'demonstrated' that he would use nuclear weapons on his own people . 'Wow, Dan' I said, 'Why would he do a thing like that?'. Dan laughed and, I imagine, shook his head in a kind of slap-me-down-and-tickle-me-purple yee-haw-type fashion. 'Ma'am, I sure wish I knew how that guy's head worked. He's straight-up crazy!'
We talked some more. I wanted to clarify a few points. So the USA signed this treaty that said they'd destroy all their nuclear weapons? There was a pause. Dan chuckled again. 'That's right, Ma'am. We've pledged that we won't be making any more nuclear weapons!' he replied cheerily.
We talked about North Korea. About how come they weren't as big a threat as Iraq. Weren't they demonstrating that they not only had nuclear weapons, but that they were also going to deploy them? Dan hyucked matily and no doubt chewed on some hay. 'Ma'am, I sure wish I knew how their heads' worked,' he said, adding for meaningful effect: 'They're straight-up crazy!'.


At the end of our intimate twenty minutes, Dan had to return (somewhat reluctantly, I got the feeling) to work. And I to bed. Before I farewelled him, I told him solemnly: 'Listen Dan, there are a couple of people sitting here in North Fitzroy at 3 o'clock in the morning who don't want a war.' 'That makes three of us, Ma'am' Dan replied. And then repeated, for no good reason save that he may have been borderline retarded; 'That makes three of us.'


So if anything's not quite making sense to you about kooky, what-the-hey kinda things like this:

, or, you know, this:

- then maybe you should give the White House a call.


Presidential Comment Line: 202-456-1111
Switchboard: 202-456-1414
Department of Defense: 703-545-6700 - ask for Dan.

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