Reasons you will hate me

Cheer up, buttercup.

I was feeling very sad and sorry for myself yesterday, for reasons that are none of your freaking business so don't go getting busy with asking nosy questions. Luckily I happen to have the best friend in the entire world who was feeling similarly interesting and took care of me in her own patented style.


First!

She took me shopping at the local IGA and randomly found helpful things to put in our basket. If I may share:


From L to R: 2 cans of Dairy Whip whipped cream, two good bottles of white wine, a repulsive pink ladydrink appallingly named 'Flirtini', Castello white-mould cheese*, two Hallmark cards that say 'THANKS A LOT!' and have a picture of cats jumping next to letterboxes, large packet of Twisties (partially obscured), unbelievably naff Pro-Joy Tropical Fruit Fruit Cocktail in mystifying plastic sack, one tin of dog food for Bob Ellis, organic yoghurt and a thrilling meat-type product known as HOT RODS (ingredients: 'meat' (96%), water, starch, dextrose, salt, spices and spice extracts, sugar, flavour enhancer (621), mineral salts (451), antioxidant (316), sodium nitrite (250), edible casing, colours (100, 150, 155, 160b). Smoked).



*Jesus eats this in heaven.

Second!

She led me by the hand to our dress-ups room and decked us both out in new and exciting outfits.

Me: Fringed white crotchless bodysuit, pink-and-black striped socks, platform shoes, knitted stripy hat and bizarre plastic mask purporting to resemble a character from the film Spiderman.

Her: Red child-size pinafore ill-equipped to contain her gargantuan breasts, blue gumboots, blue sun visor, orange bee-size sunglasses.


I would love to show you photographs of these outfits but they display both bosom and vagina and are therefore not fit for a classy blog like this one.


Third!

She took me to the backyard for a WHIPPED CREAM FIGHT. Complete with shrill screams and ungainly slipping over.


Fourth!

We showered. Is this wrong for women who are nearly thirty?


Please note: We did not sponge each other.




She will be heading off next week to be a star of stage at the Edinburgh Festival and I may well break into a thousand tiny pieces without her.



WHICH REMINDS ME:



'THE TOWN BIKES #*?& OFF!

SUNDAY 31 July

THE TOTE

6pm


Come'n farewell The Town Bikes as they embark upon an unbridled mission to Edinburgh Festival, Holland and beyond.

In the tradition of 'The Iron Chef', an assortment of Melbourne's Rock n Roll luminaries, including Ally (Spazzys), Spencer P Jones, Link (Meanies), Hector (Sailors), several members of Legends of Motorsport, Clare Moore and numerous other enticing would-be chefs, go head-to-head in a dangerous 'Cook-off'.

Fuelled with zeal and gusto, our contestants will be serving up a colourful buffet of (what we hope will be) edible delights for the judgement of our discerning 'Tasting Panel.'

DYNAMO will provide vigorous live accompaniment whilst the hot plates are sizzling and for delirious dessert, THE YOUNG PROFESSIONALS whip up a small hurricane.

Also featuring special guests Holly C (RRR) on the decks, the enigmatic MC Glenny G (providing invaluable information on the scene) and Chairman (Julian) Wu as the un-veiler of secret ingredients.
Chairman Wu promises to undertake a solo cooking challenge, creating 5 dishes with a well known (albeit curious) ingredient.
Lovable Scrubbers, The Town Bikes will surely kick up a leg or too at some point throughout the evening, as well as actually scrubbing down the cooking stations, post culinary bedlam.


Doors open at 6pm, and the contest starts at 7pm so come early'



Yeah. Come and watch me power the wheels of steel while I watch my best friend dazzle the room with her precious brilliance and try to pretend like I'm not going to cry.



803 days til the next election.

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