C.H.O.P.S.
A thousand inappropriately tactile thank-yous to my friend Mandrille, who sent me this email:
'I thought you might like this if you haven’t seen it already. Obsessed – especially with band pages!!!
I hope you’re well.
Ps. What does the “S” stand for in C.H.O.P.S?'
I wish I knew. The nice people at Love God's Way can explain the rest of it, though:
'C.H.O.P.S is the powerful new program developed by Christian Youth expert Donnie Davies. C.H.O.P.S stands for CHANGING HOMOSEXUALS into ORDINARY PEOPLE.
If you have been having feelings that you DO NOT want to have towards people of the same sex as you, then this is the program for you.
If you've been acting on those same feelings, then this is DEFINATELY the program you've been looking for. '
Do you hear that, homos? This is DEFINATELY your program. But why take my word for it when there are testimonials such as the following heartfelt confession?
'Hello Friends, I hope you take the time to read the quote by our good friend and compatriot, Oscar Wilde. In that one quote Oscar brings to life the isolation and despair of what he refers to as "us", the homosexuals. It is a long, lonely, desolate road, homosexuality. I've been there, friends. I know how horrible and rough that road can be. I have been called a "Faggot". You are not alone and guess what, God Loves You even if he hates your Homosexuality. You just can't stay that way. Let me help you love yourself. Follow me and together we'll C.H.O.P.S away the Gay. ' - Donnie Davies'
HE ACTUALLY SAYS THAT TOGETHER WE'LL CHOPS AWAY THE GAY.
*awards medal of all-round Awesomeness*
I'm pretty sure my life existed before Love God's Way, but it seems hazy and dirty and somehow dreamlike. Was I even happy then? Was I safe? Could I really have wasted eleven years on radio without being aware of which gay bands to avoid like the plague*?
'One of the most dangerous ways homosexuality invades family life is through popular music. Parents should keep careful watch over their children's listening habits, especially in this Internet Age of MP3 piracy'
Please note: my absolute favourite thing about the list of gay bands (Frank Sinatra? Dogstar? Wtf??) is the last-minute inclusion of 'Elton John(really gay)'.
I have spent a hugely absorbing forty minutes with the nice people at Love God's Way, and felt it was only right and proper that I pass the goodness on to you sinners. Enjoy your conversion, soon-to-be-ex queers.
289 days til the next election.
*you will be pleased to know that Cyndi Lauper is apparently 'safe'. So carry on with your She-Bop, upstanding heterosexuals of RYWHM.
Comments
That is the funniest shit.
I love that Sufjan Stevens, a Christian, is also one to watch out for.
They aren't quite certain about Morrissey, but have confirmed my suspicions about Metallica.
Poor Oscar's turning in his grave.
Oscar's turning? Even in his grave?! :-)
In my dirty, tormented little mind I see Mick Jagger giving it to Lou Reed and I am filled with lusting for the hot man on man action.
All I need is a penis.
I thought this site was tongue-in-cheek.
So to speak.
Am I wrong?
It was the part where Cole Porter was listed as a gay band, and Elton John as '(really gay)' that made me suspicious.
Also, all the email addresses are Gmail.
please don't Disney my spank, anon.
Sorry Ms Fits, but this has to be a piss-take in a deeply subversive way. Witness the pink shirt in the video "The Bible Says". And the words of the song that remind us after the first chorus that in hell, there's no back door.
CHOPS away the gay HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I believe the vatican has run a CHOPS program as well (Clandestine Handling of Ordained Paedophiles) and had much success with it.
Eminem music should be safe for your kids to listen to, a white mysoginistic gay hater is papal material afer all.
"Sorry Ms Fits, but this has to be a piss-take in a deeply subversive way."
I bloody well hope so they've quoted Oscar Wilde and described him as a "reformed homosexual". What hope is there if they are fair dinkum?
See the quote? It's by:
"Oscar Wilde (reformed homosexual)"
Are they really saying that he got reformed by dying? Cause that's way cold.
The band list is awesome. Someone should tell Rufus Wainwright that he's not as gay as Elton John.
I think it might be safer to have a list of permitted bands. Creed? Scott Stapp's definitely straight. I'm seen the proof.
No shit, Rufus Wainwright is an arsetronaut?
I love how they've listed the Indigo Girls twice, because they're just too extremely gay for one entry.
Gotta be a parody
well, I don't care if it's a parody or not. It amused the fuck out of me this morning, and thusly I tip my hat to it.
That's right. TIP MY HAT.
the awesomeness is in the fact that Elton John is in it twice!! And only the second time does it say 'really gay'. What an achievement!
oh man, I hope you all went to the donnie davies home page... it's chock full of more gold...
"While I'm not advocating jailing all Homosexuals, I do think it would benefit them greatly. It would be for their own good."
it damn well better be a parody
I'm racking my brain for evidence in Wilco's back catalogue of apparent "gayness"... Mystifying.
Thanks fits (and mandrille). What a great way to procrastinate before a long weekend!
Good to see those limp-wristed pillow-biters in Motorhead finally getting outed. Did you also notice The Strokes on the list ? VALENSI !
...and is that a Freudian slip in the spelling of Eminmen, or is there some new homo-loving rap artist that I've been previously unaware of.
That on its own has to make this a parody, surely.
I wouldn't be too sure that it's parody. This geographic myopia we enjoy is misleading. Do you think the hillsong kids are pro-gay or anti-gay? Do you think they have openly gay members?
This sort of thing, while amusing to us in our sheltered enclaves of "free thinking" rainbow collectives, is a reality for many people. Like that one who got bashed to death in the US a few years ago. Must have listened to too much Elton John.
It has to be a parody if these guys can't crack the gay band list.
...or these guys
I never knew there were so many Queercore bands.
awesome
Elton John is REALLY GAY?
Who'da thunk it!
But does that mean Elton John is really GAY, or Elton John is REALLY gay?
Fits?
Dave - did Scott Stapp film himself shagging?
I love the fact the the HD Video has been removed due to abuse.
It was probably a film of a blonde-haired choir boy.
The reason why so many nightclub girls go Catholic is because they are still allowed to drink and can have any little boy they like.
As for that band list. Where is Prick Harness I say?
A dreadful ommission.
Fred Phelps was not a parody. This is not a parody.
The bands included might have something to do with this:
"The response is overwhelming. You guys know of a lot more Gay Bands than I do. I can't keep up."
It would be terrible should anyone take advantage of such a trusting soul...
"That's no parody...it's American!"
Now I have a life.
How dare he use Psychedelic Furs for his misguided purposes - surely they wouldn't have given their consent? gah - I shouldn't get upset about it (except they're one of my all-time fave bands)
Eagles Of Death Metal? Must be the 'taches...
And TURBONEGRO isn't on the list? Sweet! We can still listen to Sell Your Body to the Night!
I propose we all start sending as many band/artist names as possible to fill out this list.
Frankie Goes to Hollywood are gay?!?! Who would have thought...
I'm not sure which bit of Donnie's YouTube clip was funnier...
The start, where for a horrid moment Donnie looks set to "get nekked", or
the finish, where Donnie gets someone to plagiarise the Psychadelic Furs, only played at half-speed through a sock full of cottage cheese.
Churches these days will let pretty much anyone join up.
We should probably draw the line at letting them build websites, though.
My one comfort in all of this is that finally, finally, someone is warning Christians to stay away from Nickelback.
I agree with Fluffy. Let's send in as many band names as possible. There will be a prize for anyone who can get Amy Grant onto the list.
I knew there was a reason why every time I heard Ace Of Spades, I wanted to go out and suck some cock !
Fuck this... I'm sending in Dallas Crane and Beanflipper. hahaha
Evil...but outstandingly brilliant, Johnny Nemo. Well done you.
I emailed in Nine Inch Nails, purely to annoy my boyfriend. He is feeding me yogurt as I type this (NOT A METAPHOR).
Also, we think we saw you in the city on Tuesday. But bellowing 'ZOMG I KNO U FROM INTERWEBS LOL I LYK UR HAT' seemed somehow inappropriate.
End of anecdote.
The funniest part is the Cyndi Lauper is 'safe'. My housemate has pictures of Cyndi that she took singing at the opening of the Gay Games last year, draped in a rainbow flag. Sshhh.. no one tell them.
Desci - NIN did have a video once with some pretty graphic man on man action, so they probably belong on the gay list.
I'm a little impressed they mentioned Bob Mould on the gay list. He IS very gay, in a manly leatherman way, but I'm surprised they know who he is.
i love it because the polyphonic spree and john mayer are gay
and the dresden dolls (one of the besties favourites) are safe.
hello, crazy christians, did you care to listen to the music or research the artists before compiling these ever-so-insightful lists?
i'm gonna say no.
Comments are closed.