Reasons you will hate me

Best blog in years. Not that I've been trawling through the archives.

I'll be in Melbs on saturday Lady if you wanna coffee or beer or ...

The other day I was on the phone to some overly affectionate types who I don't actually know that well, and as I hung up I blurted out 'Fucking fake people'.

Then looked down just in time to see the 'Last call xx:xx' bit appear on the phone. Which makes me suspect the phone thought about it for a bit before hanging up.

Still not sure what happened.

An improvement to such a device would be some kind of print-out. It's one thing for someone to say something you don't quite catch just as they hang up, but to have a permanent record of it is a whole other layer of wrong.

hmm, truely evil.

although i doubt i would be able to hold down my job since whenever i hang up on my boss i endlessly rant to myself that shes a manipulative cow and how i wish she was dead.

wouldnt mind to know what horrible things people say about me.

Man's Ruin Burlesque have a new website up, I love Miss Lola Cherry Cola!
http://www.mansruinburlesque.com/lola.html

Thanks - Tim Chuma.

Pretty awesome. That idea must have you throwing your head back and laughing with all the evil you can muster. "Muhahaha!"

A truly terrifying thought. The following would never speak to me again: My boss, my other boss, my aunt, most of my ex- boyfriends, my grandmother, the pizza shop people, the tv installer man, the lady whose husband I covet, the hot dad I babysit for, my mother, and about 15 other people.

Tres evil.

Probably a very efficient way of severing long-standing relationships with family and friends!

I did this once in a phone conference, after I thought we'd hung up the call I said what I thought and then there was a cough eminating from the speaker phone. D'oh.

A little (VERY!) off topic, but when I worked in a call centre as a sprightly youth (before me joints played up so, och aye) we basically had to deal with crap problem after crap problem for eight hours a day. Luckily our headsets had a mute button you could slam down fast like a Solo if you needed to "express yourself". What no fucker in the office warned me about was the fact these headset controller thingos ran on BATTERIES and these BATTERIES often ran out without warning.

So one day, just as I was about to dart out for a cigarette and a coffee (as was my wont back in the days of my youth when I was a smoker, it seems so long ago etc) I decided to answer one quick call as an act of charity. Within a second of the guy telling me his problem, I realised it was going to be a half hour plus phone call and there was no way in hell I was going to be able to squeeze in a smoke.

Me: *hits mute button to vent* OH FOR FUCKS SAKE, FUCK THIS! FUCK IT!
Man On Phone: I beg your pardon?
Me: *frantically pressing mute button on and off in confused fashon* Erm, ummm, ahh...
Man On Phone: Were you just talking to ME?
Me: Umm. No. Someone threw a football at my head.
Man On Phone: A football?
Me: Yes. And I dropped my coffee on my lap because of it.
Man On Phone: A football?
Me: Ha ha, yes. That's call centres for you. Crazy.
Man On Phone: Indeed.

I should really get myself a blog in order to shit out these tales. Oh yeah...

I laughed loudly at "slam down fast like a Solo".
Thanks Miss!
I love your work!
Pats!

Typical fucking latte left. Pretending to like somebody when you really hate them. If you don't like somebody or they piss you off, TELL THEM!

That's what I do (shock horror), which could explain why I rub most people up the wrong way, fucking hypocrites they are.

You know what I want? A car horn with a mic and a sampler in the steering wheel which enables you to blast vocal directives at the other drivers.

It wouldn't do a whole lot for road safety, but road satisfaction would skyrocket.

*mimes hitting mute button*

Aleks, you're the sort of humourless spankbot who gives the Left a bad name. How you manage to type while using both hands to furiously masturbate over your own genius and noble intensity is beyond me.

Uh-oh.

*mimes hitting mute button off and on*

(you know deep down we love each other, aleks. even if you are petrified of frothy caffeine products and I am the typical half-arsed lefty sort you despise. x)

What about a voice box for birds? They would say nasty things to you and fly away but you would get the shits and try and catch them but it would never work (wings!).

That's Evil.

Good one, Book Book Cunt Cunt.

what about a camera inside your television which randomly broadcast an image of you slouching slack-jawed on the couch to the nation?

or how bout an invention which made your penis get smaller when you throw a cigarette butt out your car window?

or a watchdog which has killer bees in it's mouth and when it barks it shoots bees at you?

Or what about tongue lice where if you tell lies they give you lice on your tongue and you'd be so busy scratching you'd never be able to lie again.

Would strongly oppose the first two, but no. 3 might well come in handy.

That's the idea Jess, say what you really think, no pretending to be nice. Though would you would do so without the protection the internet provides?I have to say though I am touched by your fantasising about me masturbating. Oh and the fact you recognise my genius and noble intensity.

As for giving the left a bad name, well the latte left yes, becuase they are a bunch of bourgeois hypocrites. I wear their scorn, like the scorn of the right (because really the latte left and the right are one and the same) like a badge of honour.

Aleks, you're boring.

I think Aleks is threatened by women smarter than him.

Nothing gets me hotter than imagining a stubby doodle dribbling warm jizz over a QWERTY keyboard. You've read me like a book!

Booky's right though, you are a bit boring. You're the far left equivalent of Rita from Big Brother.

(YES I WATCH THE SHOW, I AM A SLAVE TO THE MAN AND I AM A BOURGEOUS HYPOCRITICAL MILKY COFFEE CONSUMING LEFTY WHO PREFERS TO FELLATE BIG BUSINESS THAN SUPPORT THE REAL "ARTS" ALSO I AM MILDLY RETARDED AND HIGHLY IGN.. IGNOR... IGNORA... DUMB WHEN IT COME TO BIG WORDS SO PLEASE TALK ROOL SLOW ME LIKEY RALITEE TEEVEE *dribbles*).

Please do not let this banter adversely affect our star-crossed love. If we were too similar, it'd just be boring. We need raging torrents of difference to build a bridge of love over!

I'm not scared of woman who are smarter than me for the simple fact that I have yet to meet a woman (or man for that matter) who is smarter than me.

*smiles in a way that indicates that he is even more full of himself then he usually is*

Book book, sorry to bore you. We can't all be as exciting as Waterworld or Battlefield Earth now can we?

And Jess, you do realise that out burgeoning love will always be restrained by the fact that you aren't like the woman of my dreams, Kerry Nettle, don't you? I know she doesn't watch Big Brother and definately doesn't fellate Big Business.

Come now, Aleks is not boring! His is the funniest blog I've read in ages. It is a razor-sharp parody of the delusional, paranoid conspiracy theorist. I applaud Aleks for maintaining his wacky persona even when commenting on other people's blogs. He really is so left it hurts!

Wel... actually Aleks...

*rips off mask*

IT IS I - KERRY NETTLE!

I AM EARNESTLY WAVING AN APPLICATION FOR A VISA TO NAURU IN ONE HAND AND WITH THE OTHER, I AM FONDLING HOTDOGS FROM BIG BROTHER!

I am a complex woman. I just hope we can still make hot leftist non-penetrative (cos that's so "The Man") love even though you're now aware of my secret online identity.

Nooooooooooooo! This cannot be happening, this cannot be happening. Jess is Kerry Nettle. All my hopes and dreams are shattered. Whoa is me.

Wait a minute, you're full of shit Jess, and not for the first time I might add. Kerry would definately not fondle "hotdogs" (whoever the fuck that is) from Big Brother. My source in Kerry's office has confirmed this. Typical fucking latte left, bringing a fine, reputable source of information like the internet into disrepute with your comment.

And when you refer to "penetration" as being so "the man" do you mean physical or emotional or intellectual penetration, or all three? Some how I am sure you mean physical penetration. Again typical fucking latte left, so base and superficial.

Somehow, methinks these comments have strayed ever-so-slightly from the original post Ms Fits left us to ponder.

I, for one, absolutely love the idea of the phone that betrays you to thine own worst enemies. I'd like to invest in the company that makes the first model.

I reckon we could come up with a snappy name for the product, too - for mass-marketing purposes, of course.

Here are my suggestions:

B-Tray-A-Phone
No More Hang-Ups (think about it)

... actually, I can't top No More Hang-Ups.

But I welcome other naming ideas!

Wait a minute, Jess ... THAT WAS YOU??!

I just knew no one'd be throwing a football in a call centre!

I should have reported you to your supervisor at the time! I was going through a very emotional time at that point of my life!

They'd just cancelled Muppets Tonight!

*hangs up phone*
Fuck off Aleks you boring cunt!

LMAO at [d]aleks

ampersand duck sent me,

steev from woodenspoon.net