Freddie got fingered (most likely by me).
Last week I was listening to five different cd's on shuffle in my cd stacker, as is the way of a modern lady. This went for a couple of hours as I went about my day and my business (PRIVATE) and it was most pleasing.
One of the records was called 60's Beat and it was a mix of various 60's artists (the Yardbirds, Masters Apprentices etc). I had heard a few numbers from it when the cd's shuffled around again and I was presented with Freddie and the Dreamers performing 'I'm Telling You Now' which is in no way a vaguely annoying and chipper tune that makes you want to stab people at a bus stop.
I was on my way out the door so paused to turn the stereo off mid-song, considering briefly that I hadn't heard Freddie and the Dreamers in some time and whether this was a bad thing or not.
Then I found out later that Freddie died.
AND I'M FRIGHTENED IT WAS MY FAULT.
What if he passed away at the exact moment I cut off his plaintive high notes? Did I deprive him of oxygen by pressing the 'off' switch on my hi-fi? Was that Freddie's one chance at life, cruelly cut short by my pressing need to go to the IGA and buy a pumpkin?
I'm not saying I have the holy powers of Our Father In Heaven or anything. I just carry a lot of guilt and I am frightened by coincidences, IS THAT WRONG?
Also I freak out a bit about grapes and rice and pasta and other such loose-item groceries.
Consider this: you are at the supermarket and you pick up a bunch of grapes to put in a plastic freezer bag. One of the grapes falls out of the bag and rolls across the floor.
IS THIS GRAPE ATTEMPTING TO ESCAPE OR HAS IT ACCIDENTALLY FALLEN FAR FROM FAMILY?
What if the rest of the grape's relatives are pressed up against the freezer bag in horror, screaming 'JUSTIN, NOOOO!'?
What if by carelessly leaving Justin on the floor you are abandoning him ala Nemo, and he spends the remainder of his grape life trying to find his way home?
ALTERNATIVELY
what if Justin is a freedom fighter on the edge of oblivion, making a prison-break away from certain death and you are re-capturing him and returning him to hell?
THIS CONUNDRUM AGITATES ME QUITE SEVERELY.
It's worse when you're standing in front of a pot of boiling water and one of your pasta shells makes a run for it, as you can imagine.
Shopping can be an incredibly traumatic experience for me. It's no wonder I prefer staying indoors.
528 days til the next election.
Comments
Justin the Grape had it coming, man.
Lucky you're not Dean Laidley.
OR AM I, PETER.
No. You're not.
I stand corrected.
What if you found a snivelling grub in your salad?
Would you assume that he was a greedy fucker, stuffing his gob full of your precious roquette, or that he was just hanging out there in the hope of finding a grublet to call his own (and teach his grubby ways)?
I am so relieved. When I was a little kid the same thing used to worry me about bubbles breaking off from their "bubble family" in the bath.
Thank god, PhoenixB. I was starting to think I was quite the oddity.
I worry about such things too, but I console myself with the fact that grapes, pasta and bubbles are inanimate objects incapable of thought or feeling.
OR ARE THEY.
Thanks for the grub link Yubris; I laughed so hard reading about that auburn-haired wanton Ms Gillard that my boss wants to know what I'm doing, given that I'm clearly not being productive. Thank god I'm working as a News Editor and can claim that I'm just keeping abreast of the facts of the day...
I have thought this about ants or spiders in a car (as they are carefully ejected en route). Can ants join a new ant colony (hi, i'm greg, i'm the new ant. I'm from fitzroy but they let me out of the car when driving through toorak ... how come everyone is wearing little boat shoes?)
Do you have the same feeling when leaving the beach (millions of grains of sand on the beach either screaming for their loved ones to jump from the ankle or cheering the rebel guerillas to imminent victory/escape)?
Or is sand OBVIOUSLY not a thinking/feeling entity?
Something similar happens to a friend of mine who plays guitar in a blues band. Occasionally he'll feel the need to pay homage a blues great and you know what - within a week that person is dead. It happened with Stevie Ray Vaughan, John Lee Hooker, Luther Allison, Albert Collins... everytime he plays "Caledonia" we check the obits to see if he has slain B.B. King.
What about the teacher from The Breakfast Club, the 'don't mess with the bull, you'll get the horns guy', Paul Gleason?
Did I not watch The Breakfast Club enough?
Actually, I did sit through Not Another Teen Movie.
I think that absolves me of any guilt.
I think it's probably better that Justin the Grape had a chance at freedom rather than being munched and crunched along with his family, one by one, in a slow and painful death.
i swear i left a comment on here earlier.
oh well, i will leave it again, and then be embarrassed when it shows up twice (or worse, somewhere else) and i look quite the impatient fucktard.
in any case, i worry about you, woman.
then again, I "used to" feel guilty for not using some of my coat hangers often enough.
That is the most conspicuous excuse for clothes shopping I've ever heard.
well its not the conspicuous excuse for shopping i've ever used, that's for sure.
Just when i was about to leave a comment that you're all weird, Nads you got me with the feeling guilty part - i have been known to draw a pair of socks from the back of the drawer to 'spread it around fairly' so they don't feel left out.
Damn it, I'm weird too....
Have you all been reading Tom Robbins or what?
(if you don't get the allusion, in Skinny Legs and All some of the characters are a wooden spoon, a fork and a sock, I think, (from memory), who travel across the US. Robbins has some argument about molecules and atoms that means inanimate objects could, theoretically, move. Of course, the dude also hung out with Terence and took a lot of psilocybin. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
Thank god other people worry about this stuff! I have been feeling horrifically guilty for a week because a friend of mine who was working on figuring out why a pig vaccine doesn't work called all of her baby pigs after her friends.* I was one of them. First of all, my namesake got really really sick and looked like she was going to die. But then (even worse) she got better, became a swine fever carrier and infected everyone else. My housemate's namesake died
on Monday. He says I am being needlessly sentimental, but I feel terrible about it.
*theoretically, her work doesn't involve animal cruelty. her pigs were supposed to live long and prosper, but the vaccine wasn't properly refrigerated.
I feel the same way about ants. But then...sometimes I just stand on them anyway, or chase them until I can stand on one of them.
I am more evil than Damian. And it scares me.
So! With your newly discovered talent, do you think you might listen to and then prematurely turn off the following:
1. James Blunt
2. Hoobastank
3. The Veronicas
4. Shannon Noll
5. Newly formed The Divas (Australian Idol ladies latest attempt to achieve somewhat credible airplay)
6. An audio recording of Katya speaking to Steph on Neighbours
Thanks in advance!
PS I love Jamie too. He just told BB a joke and BB is making him repeat it to Gaelen and John 100 times. You could tell BB was trying not to laugh as well. I want to marry Jamie and kiss him on the LIPS.
don't sweat the small stuff/justin, fits – if he's making a 'grape escape' he probably had a bit of that steve mcwine rebelliousness about him anyway ...
i'll get me coat.
ps. how do you sex a grape?
Well, assuming they are seedless grapes, they are barren and hapless anyway, never being able to start a grape family tree (so to speak) of their own. Don't feel guilty, you are putting them out of their misery at rotting pointlessly in the compost. The poor deluded grape is probably off to find the best fertility experts in all of viticulture to help him, but it will be to no avail.
Ants are likely to be attacked and killed if they approach a new colony, however in Melbourne at least, the are all part of a supercolony, or at least the Argentinian ones are. So he would be called Juan, rather than Greg, anyway.
Actually, he wouldn't, as wandering ants are more than likely to be female. Unlike in the film, ANTZ, starring the voice talent of Woody Allen, ant colonies are female in the vast majority. All ants are the same, whether workers or soldiers, except the few queens which are allowed to breed, and the males (which are chemically triggered ealry in development) bred to service her, and which are usually destroyed after supplying the queens with sperm.
It's a tough life for a male ant.
Sorry for getting all sciencey. I have no conclusion, however, about Freddie's death, other than "You bitch, you killed Freddie!"
what is all this fresh food you all keep going on about? isn't everything all pre-packaged up and thus already doomed to a hideously crunchalicious/convenient death? and why am I still up/bothering to post here when nobody takes any notice of anything past 8:07pm most days anyway? well, aren't I all loaded up with questions then?
Well, I killed Aaliyah*, so we're in good company.
*I got pissed when she was picked to play Akasha in "Queen of the Damned" and said (JOKINGLY) that I hoped she died. And then...she died. I KILLED HER.
i once saw a frog commit suicide overseas after it had escaped from a frog factory in. it hopped along the dusty street, up our steps, through our open door, across our lounge room and off the balcony when i tried to catch it to help it.
and re: snivelling grub; i heard our julia on the radio telling it like it is. she refused to say it was a gender-based issue and said that the speaker has conceded there might have been some mistakes made.
When i was in year 8 a girl hated me for no reason and always wanted to bash me then the next year she fell off a horse and died. I guess i didn't really *wish* it upon her, but i certainly didn't cry when it happened and felt a little responsible. Although I still say 'sucked in sharlene" which is a bit harsh i know, but that's (apparently) what you get for messing with me...
I am kidding by the way, I don't think it's a good thing etc etc
Maybe this should have been an anon confession......
i can't throw stuffed animals or dolls away.
THEY HAVE FACES!!!!!!!!!
FACES WHICH SEE YOU!!!!!!!!
SEE YOU THROWING THEM IN THE GARBAGE LIKE GARBAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STARING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHO GOT YOU THROUGH THE TOUGH TIMES WHEN YOU ALMOST DIED OF APPENDICITIS AT 4 YEARS OLD AND NOW YOU WANT TO THROW HER TO THE CURB????????????????????????
that's it anne - no more watching the Toy Story movies for you.
If you killed Freddy then I must have killed Chuck Jones.
I one taped a doco about him off the television, watched it a week later but could only manage 50 minutes of gushing celebrities before switching it off. Chuck was fine for about a week until I taped over it with another doco about horror godling, Dario Argento. The next day - Chuck was dead. I was mortified, but consoled myself that it might have just been something gone wrong with his 95 year old body. Some hope.
A frog factory?
Hey - off topic - I was on a plane the other day and I was stuck between a young liberal candidate and the biggest guy ever to fly from Melb to Syd (and I'm 6'2'' so it was not so cosy). Anyway, I spoke to this lib candidate and yet I did not burst into flames. Why is this so Ms Fitz???
jp
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