Reasons you will hate me

Friday q and a #39.

I woke up at 4 this morning and went outside to feel the cool change on my skin. There's something quite liberating about standing in your backyard wearing nothing but polka-dot underwear and a sleepy smile.


Also: at dinner the other night with my father...


Me: We should get going so we can go see Gabi's show.


Dad: Yep. All aboard the ho train!


Me: .....


Dad: Toot toot!


Me: Did you just say 'all aboard the ho train'?


Dad: ..Yes.


Me: Where on earth did you pick up that expression?


Dad: There's a wrestler who says it on WWF. And then all these girls in bikinis come out and form a choo-choo train behind him. And then there's a fight.


Me: Do the girls wrestle too?


Dad: No, they're just the ho train.


Me: I see.


Beat.


Me: What are you doing watching WWF anyway?


Dad: ....To be honest I'm not really sure.



****************


Anyhow. We're here, we're queer. Get used to it. And let's answer a few of those Friday questions:





Anonymous said...
hiya ms fits. macca here. i like your site, it makes me giggle/snigger etc...
yay for gabi. is so breathtakingly excitement seeing ones bean on the screen for the first time.
me and lola rose are up for a cuppa anytime and gabi, DO THE PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES!


Not technically a question, but since you are an old friend of mine who I miss terribly AND have made mention of my beloved Gabi's potential bladder issues post-bean extraction I have duly included you.


May I also say that this question made Gabi sit up very straight in her chair and say loudly: 'WE SHOULD DO THEM TOGETHER' before glaring at me fiercely. So thanks a fucking lot, now I have to do squeezy vagina stuff with her on the living room floor or she'll beat me.


gb said...
Ms Fits,
I did so terribly enjoy your appearance on the telly this week. Why do those old people insist on talking over you? And where do you get the time to post such ridiculously long blogs? Tardis?
Love
Painfree


Do they really, Painfree? I'm yet to see an episode as it airs in direct competition with my radio show (I am a one-woman ratings war these days), but you're the first person to tell me that I am shouted down by fellow panellists. Perhaps I should begin encorporating the beat street-style smackdown usually favoured by crack-addled prostitutes next time I feel my whining opinions are being passed over. I don't doubt I could take Age Literary Editor Jason Steger on and win.


As for the blog posts, I can only assume you're referring to special Fridays. Usually I set aside most of the day to sit at my laptop getting older, which has become quite a charmed ritual. If I ever cheat and start drafting answers earlier in the week it is only because I care too much. I have so much love to give, you see.


groverjones said...
HI Ms Fits,

1) Can you please share the advice you gave Bevis whilst his wife was labouring? I ask because 'we' (meaning mainly my better-half although I did have something to do with it) are pregnant too and any advice is welcome. And congrats to Gabi, too!

2) Thanks to Katja and yourself for being complimentary about hirsute baldies - we don't get that very often.

3) Word verification: Ckkwxr - whilst relevant to point (2) above, isn't that something between me and my beautician?


1) I am somewhat ashamed to say I can't recall passing any particular advice on to young Bevis and his bride on their day of birthing. From memory I texted some kind of woohoo/way to go your penis/warm congratulations papa-type sms and left them to struggle on alone. Was that wrong? I'm honestly not sure how much help I would be considering the last time I was in a room where someone was giving birth I was uncomfortably close to my mother's vagina.


2) Oh, you're most welcome. Don't go changing.


3) I have been puzzling over that particular word verification since you first posted your question, groverjones. Do you mean to read it as 'seek waxer'? And while I know for a fact there are many special secrets between a customer and a beautician WHICH MUST REMAIN FOREVER IN THE CURTAINED BOOTH, I'm not sure simply 'seeking' one is gasp-inducing enough. Perhaps I've got it wrong; I'm yet to have a coffee.


richardwatts said...
OMG EVERYONE'S BREEDING, but congrats, happy for you, etc, etc.

Can't I have people parading eligible men in front of me too? I would only accentuate the positives before making a lascivious lunge.

I would like to profer my informed masculine insights as ideal qualities for a potential panelist should there be any bloke-judging going on. I promise NOT TO LUNGE AT THEM AND RAVAGE THEM. Honestly. At least not without using lube, the absence of which simply doesn't bear thinking about, quite frankly...

Clearly this is not a question. Damn.

Wait, here's one. What is the new black, please, oh wisest of Fitses?


a. Aren't they though? I can't swing a cat at the moment for fear of slamming it against the swollen hormones of a pregnant woman.


b. Thank you for your application regarding passing judgement: eligible young males. We have forwarded your details to the committee and are particularly impressed with your lubricant-based mission statement. Please await further instructions.


c. Puce. Puce is the new black.



Well, that or totem tennis. I'm not entirely certain yet.


Anonymous said...
Ms Fits,


What is your position on doing amazing decorative stunts- cramming the whole ceiling with brightly coloured hanging men's ties, for instance- in a share house room that one plans to leave in less that 6 months?


I have come into some ties and have an urge to swathe. But shall this be a waste of my time, and annoyance for future residents, or even a bond-breaker?


I am all for amazing decorative stunts, Anon. My lovely ex once built me an elaborate junkyard water feature out the back of our house which sat stagnant for months and amused nobody but me and I thought it was just wonderful. Yes it was a complete pain in the arse to dismantle and mop up when it came time to shift houses, but stiff potatoes. I'd rather have six months of men's ties brushing over my face like some kind of blissful sartorial carwash than nothing at all.

You go right ahead and build your tie-cave. And keep on spreading that magic around.


morgan said...
Advice to Bec for her wintering in NYC.

Get your hands on the weekly rags - my favourites were Time Out NY (costs) and Village Voice (free out of the boxes on street corners - out on Wednesdays). They oriented me to current goings on.

I expect NY locals have cool-sticks insider rags they prefer but for a rube like myself those two worked wonders.

NYC in winter is all about footware - be prepared to spend half of your time walking in slushy snow or rain.

And layers - its freezing outside and outrageously overheated in every building you enter.

Shopping - there are a bazillion places to shop, eat, drink etc but can i recommend the flea markets - Hell's Kitchen (W39th St, between 9th & 10th Ave) and Chelsea (W25th St, between 6th & 7th Aves) - for the most brilliant range of all sorts of stuff.

Apologies for the hijack fits, that was probably way more than Bec wanted to know but hey along with Melb community guides maybe RYWHM can set up travel guides as well....


No no, not at all. I insist on community noticeboard hijacks. INSIST. My information was fucking useless compared to this, so thank you a thousand times over.


FAO Schwarz is also good if you want to act like an idiot tourist and re-enact the 'dancing keyboard' scene from Big like every other moron who sets foot through the door. Yes I did this AND SO WHAT OF IT.


la nadine said...
could you please ask gabi and sir bobek if they'd consider 'cansdine' as a name for the youngin?


Considering I have been petitioning for 'Valensi' and have been met with a variety of patronising nods, I can only pass on your suggestion and hope for the best.


UPDATE: Gabi has smiled sagely and replied 'If it's a boy, yes'.


meva said...
First of all, I'm pretty pissed that Morgan didn't have wonderfully insightful hints for my Yass Spring. But moving right along...

to BABIES! BABIES are the most wonderful small beings, Ms. You and the loverley Gabi and the hi-larious Bobek and the fine-and-hearty-hearted Bob Ellis will make a gerlorious fambly for the new and tender member. I clap my tits in joy!

To my question: Do I need a question for Fridays?


Oh, we are ALL clapping our tits in joy in this household, meva. And thank you for your mammorial participation.


I think history* tells us that no-one really needs a question for Friday questions. As long as there's a question mark in there somewhere I'll endeavour to write some smart-alec wordy bullshit beneath and then we will all eat an orange. Even if there's no question mark and someone is just making a general wavey hello at me I'll occasionally chuck it in. I keep you on your toes like that, you see.







*and I do hope everyone has both noted and enjoyed my pompously referring to the weeks of trite Q and A sessions on this here blog as 'history'.


Boysenberry said...
Ms Fits,

Is it wrong that I think of Laura Bush and Janette Howard in that way? I feel so wrong...


Yes, Boysenberry. Yes it is. It is extraordinarily wrong and you will be punished at the hands of God kthxbye.



p.s. Wtf is wrong with the Bush twins? Get a load of their business (fake):




Also I hear Melanie Howard or anyone who vaguely resembles her is eight parts of dynamically attractive.



Anonymous said...
Am i the only one who thinks this Bevis charecter is an Utter Champion?


No, Anon. There are several people in the blogosphere who would agree with your appraisal. You try imagining going to school with him like I got to in the real world. Yeah, those were some good times.


*has Wonder Years moment*


Anonymous said...
I was completely flumoxed by that news about Gabi and had to SMS Carla to prove that I wasn't hallucinating as I read it late last night (Only Alexander Downer or Andrew Bolt take things from face value in blogs.)

Have you been to this bar?


My favourite barmaid in all of Melbourne works there. You can go have a drink and also be entertained by Jess playing hide a seek with a little girl who comes in and also Jess likes to catch chocolate peanuts thrown from the end of the bar in her mouth. Whatever happens during the week I at least have Thursday to look forward to as I know Jess will be at the bar.


I have been to the George Public Bar, yes. Though I can't say I've visited in years as I now live over the other side of the Yarra and cling to my surrounding neighbourhood with a parochial desperation bordering on pathetic.

If I go I'll be certain to admire the entertaining barmaid clown, though I'm not at all certain about the 'catching peanuts in mouth' thing. What is she, a seal? Jesus.


Mindy said...
Meva - Murrumbateman Field Days are on next weekend. Only 12 mins from Yass. It's the place to be.


That's it, we're getting NEW YORK/PARIS/RYWHM/YASS t-shirts made up.


Honestly, this place is a wealth of information. I mean, Yass. Who knew?


littlefaeriegirl said...
gogabigo!

ok, this is my question. some background first

say you had a boyfriend who was lovely and french and beautiful and lovely. you were with him for a year (almost) and he decides to backpack for his last month in australia (since he spent the whole year in adelaide). all of this is fine, except that whilst travelling from darwin to cairns/fraser island, he hooks up with some whorebitch dutch backpacker and fucks her. 4 times.

you then have to endure a 24 hour plane trip with him wherein you discuss how much of an asshole he is and he agrees.

you spend a month in paris with him, which is nice except for the parts where you are crying your eyes out over the bitch and the asshole. he says he will never see her or talk to her again. and then you fly home. alone.

then, you google her. and you find her travel blog. and you do a search for every time she typed 'tom' 'thom' or 'thomas'. and now you know how to read 'i slept with tom/thom/thomas' in dutch.

and theres a guestbook.

my question is, would it be wrong to post something along the lines of 'hello marthas friends. did you know that she sleeps with other peoples boyfriends? well she does, so im thinking you should watch out for that'?

and what if i already did post that, and she deleted it, and i posted "why delete my message? how mean. i was only telling the truth. you deleting it is almost like you're ashamed. you're not ashamed of sleeping with tom, are you? cos, thats what you did. you slept with tom and he was my boyfriend. if you're sorry, then an apology would be nice. but dont delete my comments when they're truthful and necessary. i was just letting your friends know what you do. i dont know, maybe you have some sort of boyfriend sharing thing where you live, where its ok for you to fuck other peoples partners, im not up with whats the go these days.
if you dont like what im doing, stop sleeping with other peoples partners. im harmless compared to what other people could do to you"

would that be wrong?

also, since there's some sort of matchmaking thing going on here, i'd like to be involved (preferably with mark priestly)



Hm.


Firstly, how do you know that your lovely French beautiful lovely boy didn't tell our friend Martha that he was a swinging single? Now, I don't doubt that he is charm itself and has the most adorable hair and eyelashes like the honeyed exhalations of an angel choir, but to be perfectly honest the man was in the sticky tropics and looking for some rumpo - he may have told this girl anything to remove her knickers (shameful though the entire episode was in hindsight and he's desperately sorry and he won't do it again. This is not to be taken lightly; I do firmly believe cheaters can be rehabilitated).

I know you're terribly (and rightfully) injured and sad, and your poor heart is bruised as fuck. But what good does it do to involve this Hollandaise in your relationship healing? How does posting a screw-you-cockspank comment on her travel blog work towards you and your feller building the trust bridge and crossing over*? What's done is done, and you'll never know what hot and hurtful lies were whispered between them. You can either focus your energies on forgiveness and moving on, or cut the feller loose and spend feverish summer evenings refreshing a stranger's blog to see if she's made any more sly references to accommodating your boyfriend vaginally.


Leave it be. And NO MORE GOOGLING.





*possibly the most Oprah sentiment ever expressed on RYWHM.


Anonymous said...
On Late Night with Conan O'Brien NBC news anchor Brian Williams said that George W Bush has been bonin' up on the book learnin'. He has read Albert Camus and "three of the Shakespeares".

Which three would that be I wonder?


I was trying desperately to come up with an off-the-cuff witty answer to this question, but TLS beat me to it:

The Last Scientician said...
I think Dubya only read Camus because he thought it was a novelisation of Fat Albert returning to America.

And the three Shakespeares he read would have been

1. Good Will Shakespeare

Young Will finds his true calling as a writer while being counselled by an alchemist who finds him leaving sonnets on local university blackboards where he works as a cleaner

2. Bill and Hank's Excellent Adventure

The whacky tale of a mismatched partnership between a crazy upstart playwright who plays by his own rules, and his staid, proper, by-the-book patron, 3rd Earl of Southampton, Henry Wriothesley

3. Shakespeare's Revenge

Disgruntled poet takes out his frustration at being told by his publisher that his new play "Sandpaper Sally and the Royal Navy" is too controversial to be presented to the king.

They were graphic novel editions, apparently.


I was going to say that he had been poring over the lyric sheets for 80's pop group Shakespeare's Sister, but I think I like your explanation better. Less work for me to do cranially, anyway.


Anonymous said...
Why do we always want the things we can't have the most?

Why can I talk to hundreds of bands and exchange names and addresses to send them photos I have taken of them, but I can't tell one woman how I feel about her? (you don't know her, it is someone else.)


Do we, anon? Always? Certainly folk tend to occasionally yearn for the unobtainable, but over time we learn to accept things as they are. Or perhaps we just aim lower in order to protect ourselves, I don't know. Either way you're wasting precious time on earth dithering about this girl. Put your feelings on the table and wear the washdown. If she leaps into your arms with all the vigour of George Chakiris performing a saut de l'ange then hooray for you and love and raindrops on roses etc. If she looks at you with that sad 'I wish I didn't have to say this, but' expression before taking a big drink from her vodka tonic and clearing her throat, it's possible that your declaration may end in tears. But so be it. At least you will have tried, which surely is far better than sitting alone in your room wishing and hoping.


Anonymous said...
Could you please ask the lovely Gabi where to find a good pair of Mary Janes?


GABI REPLIES:

'This is a constant quest that I am grappling with. The last good pair I fortuitously came across was in a Bentleigh op-shop, but I realise that's not very helpful. If you're remotely cashed up, consider getting a pair tailor-made at Vegan Wares. They're great and will last a long time. Otherwise try googling Mary Janes and see what you can find online...sometimes you come up trumps.

Apart from that, you're at the mercy of footwear fashions.'



God she's wonderful.


Boo said...
Dear Ms Fits,

In a nutshell:
Mr ‘I know all the words to the Growing Pains song’ did not ring at all last week, instead sending me an email on Friday about how busy and important he is, and how I should call him if I’m interested in seeing him in 2 weeks’ time.

I went on another great Date this weekend with another handsome chap – then was sent an email no less than 10 hours later saying I was a Fascinating Woman etc but that it was ‘great therapy’, and how I really sorted out his feelings for an off/on again girl he’s going back to!!

My question is about lifting the gypsy curse under which my love life is clearly labouring. My Greek friend has the number of someone who can reverse the Evil Eye, but I don’t know of anyone who can lift a Romany curse. Any readers??

PS In answer to your qu, I’m a freelance writer who was recently talked into appearing on Temptation by my game show-crazy family. I won 2 nights at the Crown, dinner and tickets to see Tom Burlinson sing like Frank Sinatra. Would you believe it have not managed to secure even one eager gent to accompany me! For shame!!

PPS Thank you for the John Cusack allusion, it did brighten my day!!

PPPS Sorry to your readers who have to plough through this shite, but I’m a mite aggrieved!


1. Mister Growing Pains can go suck it. How's his form gazing into your eyes and calling you 'enchanting' and then suddenly remembering a stock report he had to file? Atrocious behaviour.


2. I can't say I personally have the powers to reverse a Romany curse (and I'm not for a moment going to argue that you're not stricken by one; SOMETHING PARTICULARLY STRANGE IS GOING ON). I'll hand that one over to the board.


Romany curse lifting, anyone?


.... Anyone?


3. Has the Tom Burlinson show been and gone? Surely someone on here would accompany you. And if you can't find an eager gent, I'll go. I am quite a cheap date, and usually put out after a couple of Brandy Alexanders.


zzymurgy said...
Recently I reported that Safran had described you as 'more Labor than Gough.'

I disagree; I think you are more Melbourne than Jeff.


I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS IS IT SOME KIND OF RUDE INSULT.


Is Jeff really the epitome of Melbourne though? 'More Melbourne than So' I might've worn. Even 'More Melbourne Than Going Out For The Evening Wearing Twelve Layers Of Clothing' would suffice. But Jeff? I remain unconvinced.


p.s. How can I be more Labor than Gough if I've never even joined the fucking party? Safran is smoking crack.


Litahnee said...
Hi Ms Fits,

Will Gabi having a baby mean you will become Anti Fits?

Just wondering.



Wait, do you mean Aunty Fits? Or do you mean that I will be so softened by the miracle of birth that I will turn viciously against my online persona and become vehemently Anti Fits? Either way I don't think so. Gabi's little bean will probably call me 'Mrs' like everyone else does. That's what happens when your husband and stepdaughter bestow a nickname on you; it tends to stick. Even my dad calls me 'Mrs' these days, which is a bit weird to be perfectly honest.



Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits

Did the Prime Minister actually say that his three great heroes of the 20th century were Thatcher, Reagan and Pope John Paul II? I'm worried I might have hallucinated it.

If yes, what other country should I move to right away? Please provide a list.


HE ACTUALLY FUCKING SAID IT, ANON.


I know, I had a little choke on my weetbix too. But maybe we're wrong. Maybe the journalist misheard him. Maybe he said 'For someone small in stature, I very much admire Carl Sagan and I hope Ron calls to back me up.' STOP SNIGGERING, IT'S POSSIBLE.



p.s.


1. Canada


2. Canada


3. Canada.


DJKL said...
Thanks for your answer to my rather long-winded diatribe. In fairness to my mum, she hasn't pulled the "worse than the Nazis" card too often. The first was in relationship to old growth logging; I was going out with my future-wife whose family were timber-worker-types from the south-west. During a discussion of this topic with mum I diplomatically said that it was a complex issue and because of my situation I could see both sides of the story and declined to make a definite statement for either side. This was a bit too much for my ex-hippie-feminist-radical-(turned-bourgeois) mum and you know what happened from there. I believe that bringing your kids up to "think for themselves" but slaying them if it doesn't fit your own world view may actually be truly ironic (as compared to Alanis-ironic). Anyway, enough of that. Here's my two questions.
1. Do you pronounce the "e" on the end of your name?
2. You probably can't answer this, but is Jennifer Byrne less annoying than she appears on the telly?
3. If you can't answer question 2, then can I ask if you have read Bryson's "Short History..."?



Bless your mother and her hard-nosed activism, DJKL. She's made you into the fine, upstanding, open-minded lefty we see before us. And for that we thank her.


1. No you don't. Think 'rhymes with Mozambique' and you'll get the idea.


2. She's not annoying at all. She is a total pocket rocket who commands the attention of a room with her spunk. And no, I wasn't paid for that endorsement. I am entirely genuine.


3. No, I haven't. Though I've given it as presents to my dad and ex-beloved. It seems like a real boy book. Am I incorrect in that assumption?


Anonymous said...
Good lordy, did you know that Hannah Beazley has a blog?

Throw.



Oh yes, I've known that for ages. ARE YOU OUT OF THE LOOP, ANON.


I like Two Sitting Ducks. They take beautiful photographs.


And what exactly does 'throw' mean? Is it a jive way of saying 'tag'? I don't understand.


Mel said...
I believe I know who J the Newcastle root rat is. And if I'm right, I'm not surprised at all.

My question is related to the fact that a while ago I decided to give up on ever having a love life. I thought it was better just to come to terms with the idea now (rather than in my 60s or something) that not everyone is meant to find someone. But I have found it really difficult and have grieved for the love and sex that I will never have. And I stopped reading this blog because everyone on it is all sex-obsessed, which makes me sad. Do you think my giving up was a silly and defeatist idea, or is there some merit in it? Right now I can't decide what's worse - a future filled with cats and vodka, or one filled with being the perennial 'just good friend' of the men I desire.


Firstly, how can you give up on love? Even when you're not looking it will come and find you. Particularly if you are Meg Ryan and someone nearby is playing a clarinet.


Secondly, do you really think everyone on this blog is sex-obsessed? I write about nude business occasionally, but I still find time for meal breaks and whole book immersions. Sometimes when you're in a quieter frame of mind and feel solely like sitting by Merri Creek watching the bees it seems like the entire world is sweatily having it off. They're not really; they're just blogging about it and pretending their life is a bit sexier than yours. I wouldn't pay them any mind.


I don't think giving up is a silly idea - I just think it's impossible to maintain. You can live your life not on the lookout for romantic entanglements, but you can't quash desire. If it happens, don't fight it. Get nude and allow yourself to be caressed; it can be a truly perfect feeling.

Someone else has an alternative view also:

duckmysick said...
Mel, I have a life filled with pussy and vodka and it seems to be working out. I'm also just good friends with many men. I'm not helping am I? Oh well. That's not a question by the way, no need for answers.


You're helping in your own inimitable fashion, duckmysick. And that's all any of us can do.


Nio Morton said...
Dear Ms Fits,
Watermelon Sugar by Richard Brautigan.
And yes, I think I'll make you my first blogger link.


That's odd - I was manhandling a Richard Brautigan book in a second-hand bookstore in Fitzroy the other day and wondering whether to take it home with me. A young LiveJournalist piqued my interest a couple of years ago, though I haven't explored further. Will do so immediately. Thank you for the recommendation.


Anonymous said...
Speaking of books, have you heard of "Made in America" by Bill Bryson? It has been fun to read and I have finally worked out a lot of things that puzzelled me from American TV and films. I like the story of the New York Times complaining about women using the phrase "What a cunning hat!" and at the same time Angela Heywood arguing that "fuck" should be bought into wider usage (this was in the 1870s.)


That's the second Bryson question today. And yes, I have read Made In America. It certainly had its moments.


missy fluer said...
Dear msfits,

congrats to the growing household, bless!

I was wondering just this weekend past... Is it wrong that I was more excited about seeing my dog then my boyfriend (who was the original master of said dog) when I returned home after being away on location for a while..

and is it very very wrong to have a smallish crush on a grip? (A GRIP!!??) though it was just a crush.. no sweat was felt..

I think I would prefer to take my dog and live on a secluded beach somewhere - what's the best excuse I could use to do that? if any...

xx


Hello missy -

1. I have on occasion been more excited to see Bob Ellis (canine) than most anyone else, and felt suitably guilt-ridden about it. I know you're supposed to love people more than your dog, but people can be outright cockheads and dogs sound so fucking adorable when they sleep-bark that it's almost impossible to maintain the balance. You just go right ahead and stick your face in pooch-belly. To hell with public opinion.


2. It is a bit wrong, but I've had crushes on grips before too. They're just so...capable. And they, you know...lift stuff. It's the fireman thing all over again, but without the yellow waders and gumboots. Don't feel bad, it was just a crush. Honestly, you're the master of self-flagellation aren't you? RELAX AND PONY OUT ON SOME HIRSUITE BEEFCAKE.


3. Barbara Hershey went to live on a secluded stretch of sand in Beaches, but she was dying of cancer which I wouldn't suggest for anyone wanting a bit of time out and a few hands of Gin Rummy. Could you say you were heading off to write the next Great Australian Novel? Dogs are particularly handy during times of creativity because if you get stuck you can just say the W word and they go four kinds of spastic and annoy you until you have to leave your computer.

p.s. Can I come?


Anonymous said...
Do you think the Beastie Boys should do a song "Kim Jong Il'n" as a peace measure towards North Korea? I heard that he is quite the movie buff so he could kidnap another director to do the music clip.


This question is fucking genius. Have you posted it on the Beastie Boys message board? I don't doubt they'd appreciate the feedback as they are true open-minded peaceniks who believe in a free media.


I couldn't get 'Kim Jong Il'n' out of my head for hours after you posted this, by the way. A sure sign of a number one hit record.


Anonymous said...
dear fits,

what do you make of this douchebag?




For those requiring further information:

The man in question is 'Aleksey Vayner, Yale senior and current man in the news. The Sun reports that Vayner recently sent a resume to investment bank UBS and included a promotional video:

Mr. Vayner identifies himself on his resume as a multi-sport professional athlete, the CEO of two companies, and an investment adviser. The video depicts him lifting a 495-pound weight, serving a tennis ball at 140 miles an hour, and ballroom dancing with a scantily clad female. Finally, Mr. Vayner emerges enrobed in a white karate suit and breaks six bricks in one fell swoop. Between athletic bits, Mr. Vayner takes the opportunity to opine on success. After being described in the opening lines of the video as "a model of personal success and development to everybody," Mr. Vayner says, "Failure cannot be considered an option." He adds: "To achieve success you must first conceive it and believe in it. Remember: impossible is nothing."'


Sadly the video link no longer works, but the following para sums him up nicely:

'Further reading should be done at IvyGate (which takes a close look at his resume and concludes "Vayner created a fake charity. He named himself CEO of a non-existent investment firm. And he plagiarized a book on the Holocaust." Dude makes Kaavya Viswanathan look like a slacker.'


Gosh, there really are some peaches in this world aren't there? Move over Mel, I'm joining the cat and vodka brigade.


Semi said...
>>You know Eli Grieg too? Wait, did I spell his name right in the other post?<<

No I think you spelt it Grieg and I just cut and pasted it. Thinking about it, I maybe it is Greig. Damn, I'm all confused now. He had a sister called Rose if I remember rightly. Wen were all agog over her but that usually happened if a girl approached within 100 yards of our Dungeons and Dragons sessions anyway.

Questions! Say you were doing some spring cleaning and you happened to find some skin pics you took (consensually) of you ex. And say they were not cringeworthy types of skin pics but were actually teh hotness. And say that you were on good terms with your ex and had no ill will whatsoever so would never use them for any nefarious motives, should you:

a) return them with thanks
b) destroy them quietly
c) keep them for a rainy day

Yes I am aware I used Dungeons and Dragons and skin pics in the same thread. Brrrr!


What a complicated young buck you are, Semi. Pornographic snapshots and parlour games in one fell swoop. Fascinating.


Anyhow, nudie photographs of the ex can be a complicated issue. There's a high level of trust involved when either taking polaroids of your beloved in the buff, or indeed posing languidly on a polarfleece blanket wearing nothing but a winsome smile and a pair of leather shinguards. I have always had a deal with my ex boyfriends that should we split, the photographs are never to see the light of day. One promised to ceremoniously burn them, though that was his choice and I never insisted that be the case. I have no issue with occasionally revisiting old sexy pictures with the view to having a private moment, and don't mind at all that past loves may dig out evidence for a brief visit to the wank bank. If relations turn sour and a bitter ex eventually plasters a photo of my boobies all over the internerd, then so be it. It won't be the first naked picture of me online, and he'll just look like a bitter tool with too much time on his hands.


In short, keep them for a rainy day. Your ex is hot and you seem to have your heart in the right place. Masturbate like a fiend, my friend.


BEVIS said...
Hehe, thanks for including my SMS! I just meant for you to add it as a question amongst all the others, but highlighting it and breaking it down was MUCH more amusing! (Even if you DIDN'T actually answer the question.)

But 'Fanta-coloured hair'? You'll give me a bad name! Anyway, I'm fashionably bald now. I don't think you've seen me since I 'went the shave', but the hair is completely gone.

I appreciate the "sharply cunning wit" compliment, though. :)

And to the Anonymous who asked if they were the only person who thinks I'm a champion ... is that you, Mum? Either way, I think the resounding silence to your question would indicate that yes, you're the only one.

I've always said I'm my own biggest fan, though - so that at least makes two of us. :) Cheers! You wanna meet up for coffee?


There is absolutely no reason for me to post or respond to this, Bevis. You are blatantly attempting to make new friends through my comments LIKE A CHEAP WHORE.


Still, you've just brought life into this world so I'm cutting you some slack. What's my sperm ever done for the country? That's right, fuck all. Someone fetch me a biscuit.


Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits, when the forces of darkness start blaming all the ills in our society on those Maoist teachers' unions and their obsession with postmodernism, I boo and hiss like all good lefties. But I must confess, I couldn't define postmodernism to save my life. Even wikipedia fails me. What's a good working definition?
cheers
Boris



This question fucking confounded me, young man. Though I did particularly enjoy the brief foray into booing and hissing.


Thankfully my beloved science friend TLS is on hand to assist:

'According to Richard Dawkins, darling of the anti-religion movement, and general science loudmouth, post modernism can only be appropriately used to describe a particular school of architecture, which, strangely enough, followed modernism of the mid C20th. All other usage of the word may safely be deemed irrelevant, and it is mostly deployed by people who wish to be seen to understand things they clearly do not.

Most wonderfully, and famously, Alan Sokal successfully had an article published in one of the leading post-modern journals of it's time, only to later reveal it was all just gibberish. Astoundingly, the publishers were unabashed, and hailed it as some kind of triumph for post modernism.

In other words, it's a big load of arts academic wank, based loosely on the idea that intent is nothing and individual interpretation is everything. A mildly (being nice) indefensible position when applied to anything but the most abstract and theoretical of concepts, which rapidly falls into ever smaller pieces of rhetoric when lightly tapped with the hammer of reality.

Also, I went to school with Andrew Bulhak, creator of the Postmodernism Generator, a handy device for generating theses and papers in a postmodernist style for submission in appropriate courses. Untraceable as they are never repeated twice.'


Don't I have clever friends? I owe that fucking man a jug of beer after that answer.


Anonymous said...
Dear Ms. Fits,

What is the best way to break the addiction to an on-again/off-again manslut? I am trying to be very grown-up and the-bigger-person and just back the hell off but boy oh boy is it hard.

Also: WHY do we feel irrisistibly drawn back to the people who mess us up the most? WHAT IS THE EVOLUTIONARY PURPOSE OF REPEATED VOLUNTARY HEART-MANGLING.

Just thought you might know, or something.


I find this question very curious. Are you on-again/off-again with the manslut because he keeps disappearing between the sheets of various paramours and leaving you sobbing into your Magnum? Or is he on-again/off-again with his mansluttery and keeps trying to remain on the straight-and-narrow wagon? Either way: yes, it's incredibly difficult to break the addiction to someone you feel is doing you harm. Although I've only ever really been with one manslut and it was dangerously pleasing as we shared a similarly destructive mindset and therefore had a deep spiritual understanding.

If you're convinced you need to back the hell off, then just try to be disciplined. Delete his number from your phone, block him on msn, remove him from your myspace friends. Go to the country, go interstate. Draw strength from outside sources. These things are certainly possible.


And we feel irresistibly drawn back to the people who mess us up the most because we are masochists who enjoy pushing the boundaries of our feelings. Then one day we grow up and we no longer search for torment in order to gratify ourselves and our art. And after that we make a paella.


Anonymous said...
Is it wrong to want this box set just because of the manly men with perms on the cover?

Considering I bought this movie for the cover.

(it was more fun waitng for this movie than actually watching it.)


It's never wrong to want a box set just for an interesting array of perms, Anon. How else would Earth Wind and Fire sell any of their back catalogue otherwise LOLAPALLOOZA111 etc.


catbrain said...
Dear Ms Fits,

A series of related questions:

What's your favourite Christine Vachon production?
Did you or Ms Gabi have anything to do with the programme @ ACMI?
Have you seen The Notorious Bettie Page? If the answer is yes, do you consider it to be a good movie?

My fave of those that I have seen is Happiness, thanks for asking. :-)



1. Christine Vachon is a genius. I am stunned at how many magnificent films she has had a hand in producing. And I'd have to agree with you about Happiness. Truly a great piece of cinema.

Incidentally, did you know that ACMI are screening Happiness and Kids back to back next Saturday? Is that why you're asking these particular questions?


2. Not that I'm aware of. Unless Gabi is somehow a Girl With The Pearl Earring-type muse for the ACMI programmer (possible).


3. I haven't seen it yet, but I'd like to. Do you consider it a good movie?


4. You have impeccable taste.


Anonymous said...
Are you ever surprised by the reaction your friends get to their work?

For example, at the pub tonight Tex Perkins said upon seeing a photo of the Town Bikes in flight - "NICE!"

Upon hearing that Gabi is pregnant "shit!"

Oh my god! Alec Baldwin just said he propositioned by a man who wanted to know if he had a hairy arse and could sit on his face! How's that for an image?

We return to our regularly scheduled programming...


1. I am never surprised by the reaction that my friends get to their work as I think they are geniuses and deserve every accolade.


2. That is not a nice image at all. Cease that kind of talk at once, this is a family blog.


Anonymous said...
Why are people so angry?

The other day at 6.45AM across the road from Luna Park on the No. 96 tram I came across an enraged man who was so just because he ALMOST missed his tram.

What job would he have that would allow him to get so angry that early in the morning? Andrew Bolt's anger management counselor?


People do get very cross when they're stressed out, Anon. And who knows what had happened previous to the near-miss? Someone may have kicked him in the cock for no reason, his wife may have told him his football team totally sucked. Almost missing the tram was the LAST STRAW in an already LOUSY MORNING. I try my best not to get irritated with other people just because I'm having a rough patch, but it can be hard when they're all up in your grill like the worst kind of cockscrapes. You should thank yourself lucky you're not the man's PA - the poor fucker would most certainly have copped it at 9.


Anonymous said...
An editor of EG called your blog "mindless blabber"?

I thought the Age was meant to be embracing the blogging culture? Or is just lip service and they are uppity as they work at a newspaper and see themselves above stuff on the web?


Really? Did they? WHERE WHERE I CAN'T SEE SOMEONE INSULTING ME POINT IT OUT POINT IT OUT.


Oh well, I'm not sure I can argue the point there Anon. RYWHM is nothing if not mindless. And I don't doubt the Age can both embrace the blogging culture and be discerning about which blogs they fancy. So an editor of the EG doesn't like me. I'm sure I'll survive just fine.


de.foxus said...
Does the imminent arrival of a gablette or a bobette mean that the beloved dress up room will need to be converted to a nursery?

can I come over to play before this occurs?


The beloved dress-up room will remain in its chaotic state for the moment...when Tricycle Jnr or Bob Log IV enter the world they'll be sleeping in ma and pa's room to start with. There has been talk of eventually shifting the sequinned gowns and jumpsuits up to the front of the house to make a family nest out the back, but no rush. You're welcome to come play, but you'd have to fight your way through the myriad of crappy Town Bike scenery and guitar amps currently cluttering up the room. We really must do a spring clean.


Jess said...
I have moved a couch into the backyard, made a mix cd, have a glass full of ice water and am prepared to sit in the sunshine reading Friday Questions from the laptop... BUT THERE ARE NO ANSWERS UP YET! ARGH! PLEASE MAKE HASTE!

Don't make me read a fucking book.

Oh, umm. Should I ask a question now?


YOU DO REALISE YOU JUST EXTENDED MY ANSWERING TASK BY A FURTHER TEN MINUTES?


No, you don't need to ask a question. But why on earth are you drinking 'ice water'? I thought everyone read this thing absolutely cabbaged. Go and fetch a glass of wine at once, dear girl.




Alright, it's time for a bath. Then I will perhaps go to a gory warehouse party and make friends with apathetic vampires. It should pass the time in any case.



Thank you for playing. Leave your questions for next Friday in the comments below.



393 days til the next election.

43 comments.