Friday q and a #4.
Last night I went to see a band and I liked them so much I asked to join after the gig. They said yes. WHY DID THIS NOT HAPPEN WITH THE KINGS OF LEON?
Ah well, best get on. We have a lot of questions to get through today.
Golfing Motif said...
Is public groping of the genital area of a member of the opposite gender with whom one would like to engage in sexual congress an appropriate activity, an expected consequence of high level flirting, or a mandatory prelude to leaving the premises?
Also, are my sentences too long?
I don't think it would be wise to wander up to just anybody and lunge at their private area without at least asking politely first. Were you invited to partake in a veejay/penis squeeze? Or is this some kind of ancient Golfing Motif mating ritual?
If the object of your desires sent you a written invitation to 'partake', then I would presume that you are somewhat 'in'. If, however, you're randomly wandering up to attractive people with hands outstretched and a leery gleam in your eye, you will be asked to leave the premises at once.
Your sentences are lovely. Remember - LL Cool Spelling.
JohnnyCrunt said...
in a battle between talking figurines, who would win: Boony or Steve Irwin?
also, who would you rather use as an inappropriate sex toy: Boony or Steve Irwin?
At first I thought you'd invented a talking Steve Irwin doll, but then I googled it. My fucking christ it's horrible. 'With the actual voice of Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin you can hear him recite some of his famous expressions just by pressing his belly'?? THERE IS NO GOD.
If we were lucky enough to be ringside for an Irwin/Boony doll-off, I'd put my money on Boony. Steve Irwin would wear himself out after about five minutes of running around with burning snakes or whatever the hell he does, and Boony would keep a cool head for long enough to outlast him. When Steve collapsed in a frothing fit of Crikeys and Wouldjahavealookatthats, Boony would wander over and kick him squarely in the nuts before heading off to get pissed. This would be a pleasing result for everyone.
That being the case, Steve would be a better sex toy. Fast, furious, and overexcited. Boony would be too rat-arsed to stay hard and would probably fall asleep with his moustache nestled in your vajootz. Having said that, WHO WOULD POSSIBLY WANT A REPLICA STEVE IRWIN ANYWHERE NEAR THEIR GENITALS?
The other other non anon said...
Ms Fits
You did not answer the point of my question dear. If you can forgive one person can you forgive the other?
That depends if the 'scarlet woman/man' seeks forgiveness I guess. Also if the tale they're spinning relates in any way to the explanation your partner has given you. If the two recollections are vastly different, I'm afraid I'd trust my partner. There's a reason you're in a relationship with them in the first place.
Continuing to press the issue could also be seen as stirring up Trouble. And no-one likes a fucking Troublemaker.
Anonymous said...
Oh dearie dearie me.
Surely nobody still believes that "Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last fish has been caught" bollocks is actually a "Native American proverb", do they?
It was written by a Canadian Geography teacher in 1973 for a school pageant.
It's full of anachronisms. It's not even a GOOD fake.
THEY SHOULD STOP PUTTING IT ON FRIDGE MAGNETS WITH PICTURES OF BIG CHIEFS IN FEATHERY HEADGEAR, THEN. It only serves to confuse the masses.
p.s. I am also easily fooled.
tex martini said...
Dear Aunt Fits,
Would appreciate your help with two questions of internet decorum.
1) My internet name. It is a bit cheesy, and more than a little try hard. It has meaning to my friends and I, but to the casual reader, may come across as an attempt to push a exagerated personality onto an otherwise featureless person, a la Simon "Hotdogs" Deering.
I like the name and will probably keep it.
2) Is it worth the effort to have a blog? Do the benefits (new friends, lively discussion, constant sexual proposals) outweigh the drawbacks (having to think of something witty to say, putting up with shoddy blogger software etc)?
Okay Tex.
1) If you 'like the name and will probably keep it', WHY ARE YOU SEEKING MY COUNSEL? What could I possibly say to persuade you to drop it? 'I once knew a serial killer named Tex Martini'? 'Careful Tex, that name has AIDS'?
That final part of your question is like a knife to my heart, Mr. Martini.
Anyhow. I like your name and I don't think it's cheesy. It reminds me of the dog in Family Guy who constantly walks around with a stiff drink and who I have a cartoon crush on. What does it mean exactly?
As INXS once sang, Don't Change For You/Don't Change A Thing/For Me.
2) Oh, it's absolutely worth it. To quote yesterday's 'Between Friends' cartoon in the Herald Sun: 'It's the perfect no-pressure way to ease back into your writing groove and build up your confidence. You just write a short little anecdote or observation every day, throw it up on the web, and wait for nameless, faceless people to post negative, critical and dehumanizing comments about it'.
CAN YOU THINK OF ANYTHING BETTER.
Litahnee said...
Hi Ms Fits
Who is your favourite alter and why?
A) Ms Fits
B) Miss Harding (see LOLerskates post on Tuesday, January 24, 2006)
C) Diana Elgar
D) Holly C
E) All of the above
F) None of the above
G) Who are these people?
Tempting tho it is to be seen as riding on the unstoppable Lee Harding train, I'd go with a) or c). They're pretty similar anyways, but I've been HollyC for ten years now. HER FOUL-MOUTHED ANTICS ARE A PART OF ME.
p.s. Who are these people?
Anonymous said...
Do you think less high-profile bloggers leave inane comments on your blog to bump up their traffic? do you ever check out who links to you?
What exactly constitutes an inane comment? I'm always pleased that people are even bothering to contribute. Do you mean people just being cunts?
I don't know. If I leave a comment on someone's blog it's because I like their post. I think the only time I really tried to get noticed was when I was first starting out and commenting at Lindsayism (back in the day when she still had comments).
It can definitely be a cool way to appreciate someone's smarts - Krankiboy and I fell together after finding each other's comments on Greg The Boyfriend unbelievably hilarious. It was a nice way to become friends.
As far as people trying to stir shit up, whatever. They don't really bother me. And they go away eventually. I have never left a nasty anonymous comment on another's blog, though I've occasionally been tempted. It just seems a waste of time.
I don't really know how to check who links to me. Jessculture taught me how last night, so I might have a look and see if I'm needing distractions one day.
Peter said...
It appears you barracked for Fitzroy (either that, or had/have a moist patch for Gary Pert - either is understandable).
Who do you barrack for now? Did you follow them to Brisbane like Kevin Murray? Or did you get alienated and follow the Tiges like my friend Carly?
I DO NOT FOLLOW THE FUCKING BRISBANE LIONS. THEY ARE NOT MY TEAM AND THEY CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES.
Yeah, I'm still carrying some residual pain from the rape and pillage of my team in 1996. My family flew to Perth for the last game and we all stood together crying for hours after the final siren. It marked the end of my childhood in a way.
I still love the game of football but it's not the same barracking for someone else's team. I followed Collingwood for a while as my dear friend Jarrod Molloy played there. And the last few years I've shown a desultory interest in Richmond, mostly because of that YELLOWANDBLACK bit you get to shout when you sing the song.
But something's lacking. I miss Fitzroy's heart. And it will never come back.
anthony said...
Health authorities are clamping down on the Thai teenage fashion fad of wearing fake orthodontic braces.
My question is simply this: am I somehow missing out? I don't understand this fashion statement. Am I just behind the times, or has this trend already passed us by? Personally, braces remind me of primary and early high school, a time of hormonal imbalances and terror.
There comes an age when all fashionable trends are mystifying, anthony. I want to grab teenagers of today and shake them by the shoulders and say TOO TIGHT TOO TIGHT YOU'RE HURTING MY EYES. But they're allowed to express themselves via sartorial choices, retarded though those choices may be.
Also it's worth pointing out that this is primarily an Asian trend. It's the same culture that handed us children occasionally dressed like this:
So I think we're pretty safe.
p.s. I wish orthodonty was cool when I was twelve so I might've worn my plate in a more disciplined fashion.
Adam 1.0 said...
What's the capital of Rhode Island?
And another commenter saved me by googling:
kp said...
the capital of rhode island is providence.
GOD BLESS YOU KP AND ALL WHO SAIL IN YOU.
Anonymous said...
What should you do if the girl you have a one-night stand with dies two days later? And could this explain my on going problems in my sex life since this occurred?
Er...did she die from semen poisoning? Because if she did, GO SEE A DOCTOR AT ONCE.
This is a very strange and sad question. And yes, this definitely explains ongoing sexual 'issues'. I'd suggest you go see a counsellor to sort out your poor addled brain. I'm sorry you had to experience something so tough.
gav said...
Whose ass does one have to lick/cock does one have to suck/clit does one have to rub/dishes does one have to do/dog does one have to walk/bookshelf does one have to dust/brain does one have to stimulate/company does one have to keep/dinner does one have to prepare to get on your blogroll?
What's a blogroll? Is that links? Is this a sticky issue?
I don't know. At first I just added the people I read obsessively and daily. Now there are more people I read, but I've been lazy about updating. And of course every time you add someone you forget someone else and people get sniffy. It's the fucking MySpace top 8* all over again.
I don't like when people email you and ask to be added. It puts everyone in an awkward situation, especially if you HATE THEIR WRITING AND WANT IT TO DIE. I usually just hide until they stop asking as I am quite the coward.
I will update my links (blogroll?) soon. When I can be bothered.
*That thing is dangerous. You get to see who your exes are flirting with, and upset people by unceremoniously booting them out. I didn't want to do mine at all, but Gabi insisted that I make the Town Bikes my NUMBER ONE FRIEND. So I filled the rest with hot-looking lesbians.
Scott I said...
I was wanting to talk to you about an idea I had for t-shirts you could maybe do through poli-chicks.I think it'd be a good design but i don't know anyone who does clothing besides your own dear self.Do you have an e-mail adress I could pitch to you at?...Ta.
Sure. It's freakymissus@yahoo.com.au . I check it very sporadically though, so if you don't hear back straight away please don't hate me.
Anonymous said...
So should I move to Australia for a while, given the fact I'll be going into a fair o' debt to do so? Or is it better to stay put, surrounded by fucking ?
6:15 AM
Anonymous said...
Goddammit, blogger. I was trying to say:
" ... urrounded by fucking red staters?" with an interweb link to:
http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mejn/election/
But I like your first question better. I INSIST THAT YOU STAY PUT, SURROUNDED BY FUCKING.
If the fuckers are 'red staters', move to Australia. Sure you'll be in debt but it's much more important to be in a happy and comfortable environment. Plus we don't bash people unless they're Lebanese/Ghey/Wearing a burqa, so you should fit in just fine.
Chai said...
Do you think blogging is a big waste of time, or replying to comments at the very least?
Why am I even here? *sigh*
I do not think either of those things are a waste of time. Blogging has not only forced me to write every day, but also put me into contact with an incredible network of warm, funny, brilliant writers. I have met lifelong friends and new collaborators. I have never once seen this as a waste of time.
Other readers may disagree, of course.
Anonymous said...
well if you don't know what stairs I'm talking about then clearly you are not protected.
CRYPTIC.
Cotton said...
god forbid this was to ever occur to you Fits but ...
Let's say one day you're at home with the mutt. (Bob Ellis) Gabi has taken off to her friends house for the day, leaving you with the papers, and a decent bottle of Pinot.
You spread yourself out on the couch, seeing if you got any kind of mention in the Green Guide, when your search is interrupted by smashing glass ...
a maniac has entered your house. A knife holding crazy person. He tells you to be quiet. You and your dog are huddled on the couch, as he stands over you.
He gives you an ultimatum:
He will either cut your throat, or hand the knife to you, and watch you do the same to your dog.
What do you choose?
I would rather slit myself nine bloodied parts of sideways than ever hurt a hair on that dog.
I don't think I really understood the all-consuming nature of love until I found Bob Ellis (canine). The love where even the mere idea of seeing her in pain makes me physically nauseous. That fierce, protective burning in the belly. It's probably quite a sad admission (particularly to any ex-boyfriends I may have lived with up to that point), but it's undeniably true.
Charming question, by the way. Thank you everso for giving me recurring nightmares.
Anonymous said...
Have you seen many Asian romantic comedies?
No. No I have not.
Anonymous said...
Dear Miss Fits, I keep dating alcoholics, drug addicts, philanderers and commitment-phobes. While their 'dangerous' qualities are incredibly attractive in the short term, my long term mental health is suffering. Should I just buy a house in the suburbs and settle for Mr 'Zone 3'?
Cheers,
Est-West
Oh boy. I know exactly what you mean. These sweeping creative types are full of passion and poetry, but they also STEAL YOUR VCR and MAKE YOU CRY WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK. It's a difficult choice. I think I'd go utterly insane settling with Mr. Zone 3, but I guess at least you'd know he'd be home and compus to help you with the baby instead of staggering in at 4am and doing a wee in the vacuum cleaner.
Forced with a choice between living in Camberwell with a reliable IT consultant and living in a 1979 Ford Transit van with a brilliant but unstable unicyclist, I'd go the latter every time. Life would be dull otherwise.
MelbourneGirl said...
should i stop buying new weekly on a monday and instead just look forward to question and answer on a friday?
oh, and what's the next movie i should see?
and, what can we do to make sure john howard (or one of his ilk) does not get voted in next time?
1. NEVER stop buying NW. It is a wonderful guilty pleasure. I like how they sneak in poking fun at fat people by writing captions such as: 'AT LAST! COURTNEY LOVE GETS HER CURVES BACK!' etc. Dressing up flat-ham bitching as born-again positive body imaging is just too priceless.
2. Have you seen Good Night and Good Luck? It made me turn from seeing George Clooney as a tedious tribute to handsome to finding his brain maximum awesome. It is exceptional.
3. Oh fuck, I don't know. I honestly thought last time that we might have given him the boot. I am clearly deranged.
I hold a faint hope that he will be sprung with child porn and turfed out into the gutter. That fucking walking tracksuit just screams pedo to me.
Anonymous said...
Speaking of prostitutes, I do have a lot of respect for them as I once accidentally bled on one when I got a blood nose and she was very calm and professional about it.
That's nice, anon. At least she didn't run screaming from the room to go fetch a chux handywipe.
GG said...
How does one get rid of in grown hairs near their who-ha when going a la natural??
AND will the ex I shouldn't be but am sleeping with think I'm a slutty slutty ho ho for being 'bald' down there?? he seemed a little surprised.....
1. Exfoliate with a body cleanser and mitt every time you shower. Also use moisturiser ALL OVER after you're dry. This has the added bonus of making you smell like roses/mango/tea-tree/lavender/the Lush shop.
2. Really? I've wondered that. He shouldn't do, the fucking prude. What do boys expect when they unpeel a lass? YOUR ANSWERS APPRECIATED, RYWHM MEN.
Anonymous said...
Is 'GG' (above) Gabi?
No. We live together. I'd presume she would ask me that in person if she needed to.
Book Book Cheep Cheep said...
What is this empty feeling, and why won't it go away?
My crystal ball tells me you need to go out for dinner with your witty and loveable friends who miss you terribly and want to bask in your puns. Follow my advice and inner harmony will soon follow.
nicedream said...
inspired by Steph Scully's refusal to be treated for her new cancer... what are you feelings on alternative therapies?
Medical questions inspired by Neighbours? That's new.
Hm. Having never dealt with a life-threatening disease myself, I'm not really certain I'm qualified to say. My mother is a huge fan of natural medicine, so I guess it's a path that I'd definitely explore (naturopathy has saved my behind on more than one occasion). That said, in extremes of pain I'd much rather be in a hospital with a morphine drip than having someone do reiki on me and swinging crystals over my head.
It's a deeply personal choice. I'm frightened by the zealousness of those who have cured themselves of cancer by eating alfalfa and taking brisk walks. It can give false hope to others who really should be monitored by machines that go ping.
I really don't know. I'm going to leave a foot in both camps.
BEVIS said...
Okay, I'm going to ask this in the proper forum: Does your diary entry post (30/01/06) mean that you keep everything? Including, say, letters that some poor misguided fool may have given you back in the day? Because, um, it would be uncool to post that sort of thing here, I reckon.
I kept a diary pretty much every day from 1987 (Dinky) onwards. It's lapsed a little over the past few years as I've been absorbed by life, but I've started again this year. It's amazing to read back on entries where you make a passing reference to meeting someone who you end up married to.
I would never post other people's private secrets, Bevis. That's best kept in the confessions thread.
Anonymous said...
Is GG Glenny G? And does that mean his ex is infact a HE?
Explain.
No. I'm most certain that GG is 'girlygirl', who has commented on here before. Glenny G is not gay, nor does he wax his veej.
MedusA said...
I think I'm funny, does that mean I'm not?
Other people tell me I'm funny, does that mean they think I'm fat?
I can spell good, does that mean I can call myself a writer?
PS. This is a shameless ploy for attention, is that wrong?
1. Not at all. Conan O'Brien thinks he's funny and he is.
2. The fact that you even say this means you are - legitimately - funny. Whether people think you're fat or not is another matter altogether.
You could possibly be both, you know.
3. Why not, everyone else does.
4. No. It is WONDERFUL. I think you are a peach.
Anonymous said...
Does one need to be cynical to understand satire? The youth of today as so conservative in their choice of humour that I wonder what the hell my kids will be laughing at in 10 years time. What will be funny then do you think?
Signed
Frootyloupe
Firstly, it's possible that one does need to be cynical to understand satire. It certainly helps. Secondly, what do you mean by 'the youth of today'? I think there's still a great deal of biting, cutting-edge comedy out there, with an accompanying appreciative youthful audience. To which conservative choices are you referring specifically?
In ten years time The Office will still be funny. Nick Giannopolous will not. Thus nature balances itself.
Sponky said...
Having never seen a photo of you, I always have this image that you look like Deborah Conway (sometimes with the armpit hair, sometimes without).
Is this even remotely correct?
Haha. I liked this question very much.
No, I do not look like Deborah Conway. I look like a cross between Punky Brewster and Astro Boy. There's a bit of Pippi Longstocking in there too, but that might just be the stripy socks.
I don't know, that's a tough one. Maybe people who know me in real life can answer it better.
p.s. I have armpit hair but barely any 'down there'. I AM A WALKING TALKING CONTRADICTION, DEAL WITH IT.
Some Bloke said...
1. Do you mind if I put you on my GF3 list?
2. Would anyone you happen to be seeing at the moment (or into the future) need to give permission as well?
3. What are you (and they) likely to say?
(I just want to know if I'm wasting a third of my wish list. If you're never going to go through with it, maybe I'll scratch your name and go with Gabi (she always seems up for it, regardless of who it is..... and I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course).
1. Not at all. That is very flattering.
2. Well, wouldn't you presume so? Imagine yourself in the same position. 'Awfully sorry dear, but I must be off now to pound a complete stranger who happened to have me on their GF3 list. Back for supper.' The whole point of a GF3 is that should something come about naturally, your partner cannot stand in your way.
People on your GF3 list aren't obliged to sleep with you just because you've listed them. I LEARNT THAT LESSON THE HARD WAY.
3. Is that covered by my above answers?
Also - your comments about Gabi are unbelievably rude. She is very much the dignified lady, and careful about her choices. So watch it or I will defend her honour by giving you a punch in the nose.
Anonymous said...
Should I get my hair cut at a barber around the corner that has a poster of an 80's era Corey on the walls as a guide?
Only if you're happy to walk around looking like someone out of A Flock of Seagulls for the next six weeks.
p.s. an emphatic yes.
mindlessmunkey said...
What do you think is the greatest challenge facing humankind at the present time? And how is that challenge to be met?
Also - what is your favourite kind of fruit-juice?
WHY ARE ALL THE TOUGH QUESTIONS ALWAYS CLOSE TO THE END?
I think possibly surviving the next fifty years without blowing each other up will be quite an interesting challenge, given the way things are headed.
How is that challenge to be met? By more people giving a fig about how their world is run and who by; asking questions, agitating. Complacency will be the death of us.
As for the easy part of your question, I rather favour a freshly squeezed beetroot, apple, carrot, celery, ginger and lemon. Otherwise I'll go Nudie.
Anonymous said...
Here's a song for you to play for Bob Ellis:
Staffordshire Bull Terrier Portraits
http://www.interrobangcartel.com/cgi-bin/ibc.pl?Staffordshire_Bull_Terrier_Portraits
Performed by the talented Casey Bennetto from Keating!
Oh. Thank you.
BEVIS said...
Ms Fits, do you feel that the above comment qualifies as a Question?
Not really, but it's a lovely gesture. And I always welcome those.
David Heidelberg said...
1 - Who were your female role models when you were growing up, and who are they now?
2 - Did you engage in fornication and/ or heavy petting with Lefty Tim?
When I was younger, probably older actresses. I was suitably enamoured of Nadine Garner for the majority of my childhood and used to follow her around like a puppy.
Now my role models are geniuses like Tina Fey and Amy Sedaris. I am also constantly inspired by my brilliant best friend and her twisted Town Bikes cabaret. There's a raft of lady musicians in Melbourne who make me want to fall over. And I'm a bit in love with a girl who works at the Tote, but she's more of a hospitality crush than a role model.
I did not make the sexing with Lefty Tim. He was an odd and intriguing fellow. Also I never much liked that 'metrosexual makeover' haircut.
Manure Man said...
dear fits
i have a phobia of shitting in toilets (except my own). this has been a longstanding problem (never shat at school/uni, left many a party to go home to crap, left work one night to go home to shit, held on for 2.5 weeks whilst on holidays, and couldn't shit at my new abode for 1 week).
anyways i'm about to embark on a six week trip to the states, europe and thailand and am literally shitting myself at the prospect of using someone elses toilet. any advice? (my mates have told me to shit in the shower)
What a repulsive question.
Bind yourself up with bread and don't go to the toilet for six weeks.
And don't you DARE do your business in someone else's shower, you grubby little man.
richardwatts said...
What is the most offensive insult you think you could ever say to someone? It's been suggested by some of my friends that 'Fucking Liberal voter!' is pretty offensive, but I think it lacks bite if they actually are...
I favour 'I hope you get cancer and die!' although it's been suggested that it's a bit harsh (even when snarled at actual Liberal voters).
Another friend once suggested 'Get raped!', but has never actually said it to anyone, realising just how offensive it really is.
So Fits, where do you draw the line, and what is the most venomous phrase you would hurl at someone in a moment of rage?
Boy, 'get raped' is certainly evocative. 'Get AIDS raped' is even more offensive, but yes - one would have to really be peeved to invoke it.
Sadly in a moment of rage I tend to lose all eloquence. Last weekend I told a punk girl to go fuck herself, and spent the rest of the evening wishing I'd gone harder. It explains why when I first met Jeff Kennett I just stood in front of him yelling swears instead of being politically brilliant and pithy.
It's actually quite difficult to top yours - both the rape and cancer ones are suitably cutting. I dare you to use them on someone.
Leave questions for next Friday below, please. Thanks for playing.
644 days til the next election.
Comments
Sage advice as always Fits. This week's question:
If you had to go back in time and live 1 full year of your life again, unable to change anything (i.e. the experience will be exactly the same as it was when you experienced it the first time) which year would you choose and why?
I have the same feeling as MedusA.
When I crack a joke sometimes people laugh really, really hard. And I don't think it was that funny a joke, but it's happended with a whole range of my friends (i.e. they haven't all set up a deal with each other that they all laugh excessively hard when I tell a joke).
Do you think it's possible they're just humouring me to make me shut up and go away?
Dear Fits,
After starting a blog, how does one entice readers other than proud grandparents who perhaps may not understand/want to know/be able to resist posting and telling me to stop writing and start exercising some more as they did last week in a GROUP email to come visit and stay for awhile?
Also, how do you deal with Centrelink fuckers who act so damn smug when metering out money to you just because their tax file numbers haven't yet grown dusty and forlorn?
Thankyou very much. PS Don't worry about Kings of Leon, I heard they use botox.
This band you speak of - they sound devastatingly attractive and charming. Congratulations!
My question(s) for next week...
You are a lover of music and have a healthy appreciation for all genres. Which tunes, in your humble opinion, are the pop gems of the past few years?
Lastly (and most importantly) - I know break ups are hard and confusing and there are many reasons and no one is to blame etc BUT...
... Nick Lachey or Jessica Simpson - choose a side. Over the past few months NW Magazine should've supplied you with enough info from "friends" and "sources" for you to have enough facts to make an informed choice.
Personally I'm all for Lachey even though he pronounces his own surname in a pooncy French chef way.
Desultory? Hmm, I'm pretty sure I've seen a picture of you in a Tigers beanie and scarf, Fits. Cheering elatedly, as I recall.
Now if I were a lesser man -- a Collingwood supporter, for instance -- I'd dig it up and blackmail ya. Ah the killjoys of having a conscience.
> Forced with a choice between living in Camberwell with a reliable IT consultant and living in a 1979 Ford Transit van with a brilliant but unstable unicyclist, I'd go the latter every time.
You cut me deep here. And Camberwell is in Section One. :-)
Hello Ms Fits, a pleasure to meet you.
You seem to be magnet for love advice, your own self-deprecatory tone aside. So I ask you one simple question from a man who has tasted more than his fair share of both pure joy and desolate despair:
Is Love fucking worth the shit that it creates?
I understand that it is easy to answer, of course! For without love etc etc
However there are times I feel envious of those souls who traverse through life oblivious to the waxing and waning emotional tides of Love.
Perhaps I crave numbness. A sad and sorry state of affairs!
Thanks for your time.
Lost and Found.
Well, it was a general question, not a specific one, but rest assured, though I may have a glint in my eye, I never leer, except in jest, and my hands are respectfully kept to myself, for the most part.
Obviously, I would never presume to impose on a lady without her express permission. However, not living in Victorian era High Society, I don't know any ladies, and have to make do with women (admittedly exceptionally amazing women) for company, most of the time.
In such cases, is implicit permission enough to venture one's digits in the general direction of her mons veneris and associated fun bits, or should one wait for the woman in question to physically place one's hand on the erogenous zone of her choice?
Is it appropriate at such a time, the contact being mutually entertaining enough, obviously, to suggest an adjournment to the nearest lockable door, or failing that, the nearest closable door, and remove intervening fabric garments as to allow further activity?
Dear Ms Fits
Despite the name of your blog I have not come across any reasons to hate you. Is there a list somewhere? Can you provide reasons? Or does the name refer to something obscure? I want to know!
Love (not hate)
elly m c
P.S. Breast photo is coming, camera is broken.
someone i know is desperate to set me up with some guy.
i have always adamently refused to be set up with anyone.
but i am thinking it could at least make for good blog/column fodder.
i have asked the relevant questions about the boy:
- is he bald?
- is he uggers?
- does he love john howard?
all of which were answered with a firm "no".
so, should i go?
I am inspired by the Lachey/Simpson debate, so I think I will add another level:
Today the radio told me that Jessica Simpson and Jude Law were "enjoying each other's company". Why does this simultaneously make me despise Jude yet suddenly realise that I am in the Simpson camp? Is this just some sexist double standard thing? I am a girl.
"I look like a cross between Punky Brewster and Astro Boy. There's a bit of Pippi Longstocking in there too, but that might just be the stripy socks."
This would have to be the single-best description (as in, right on the money) of anyone I've ever heard. The Astro Boy bit especially. It's so true! And it helps me work out where I've seen your face before.
Today the radio told me that Jessica Simpson and Jude Law were "enjoying each other's company".
See, last night I heard she was currently spending quality time with Adam Levine from Maroon 5. What a tangled web Ms Simpson weaves!
I tells ya, Lachey must be gutted he waited years for her to put out on their wedding night and now she's banging all and sundry with randy abandon. Allegedly.
Do you know what a GUMMIKRANKENSCHWESTER is? I don't know if it is a real person or someone made up by a leatherman from the North-Western USA with multicolour hair. If it is a real person, would you be a GUMMIKRANKENSCHWESTER?
I've been meaning to ask you this for ages: How many hits do you get? (on your blog, not smacks upside head)
I've been considering asking you some questions about the state of Australian television. Well, really my own genius observations/tooth gnashing/wailing followed by some questions. Is it worth asking or does the potential for professional suicide forbid? If I don't hear yay or nay before next thursday I'll assume yay.
Dear Ms. Fits,
Love your site, etc etc.
My question is as follows:
After a particularly warm day recently my girlfriend used the term \'disco pussy\' to describe her current state of hygiene.
Being a creative type, can you come up with any alternatives to describe this affliction?
This is an embarassing question, but,...what are your thoughs on analingus?
Is is an embarassing question for you to ask, Anonymous, or do you fear that you'll embarass Fitzy by asking it? Anyway, provided that you or your lust-object know how to wipe and wash properly, there's nothing like a good rim-job between friends.
Look, if I wanted 'Richardwatts' to answer my embarassing question, I'd have writenn to the Richard Watts homepage. This question is for Ms Fits, not you. Quit usurping.
My question:
Is it okay (as a girl) to wear very high shoes to uni?
I love high heeled shoes and I keep buying them. It seems stupid not to wear them every day, given the amount I spend on them, but then, it sometimes occurs to me that I am being a bit frivolous by wearing them to class.
But they do look nice and make me feel fabulous.
What do you think?
Demble, I think you should wear whatever shoes make you comfortable, in the broadest sense.
My question is - when leaving a 'girlfriend', on bad terms, (it's her fault), is it okay to make her feel fat, ugly, and stupid? Just give me the word...
On the topic of popular sayings including the word 'rape'...
"that's hell rape"
Apparently the new "fully sick" to be doing the rounds of the school yard. I nearly fell of my chair when a friend's younger brother exclaimed that one over some car he was creaming his pants over in a magazine.
(I must note I do come from Adelaide)
"That's Hell Rape" is without a doubt the best fucking thing I have ever heard.
Thanks anon, you just made my day.
When do we actually ask a question?
Can I ask one know and get an answer before next friday?
When do we actually ask a question?
Can I ask one now and get an answer before next friday?
Can I get a grammar checker for blog comments? *
* not my real question.
Dear Miss Fits,
Thank you for your response to my letter ie: dating drug addicts, alcholics etc. You gave me just the answer I was hoping for. I once dated a guy who worked in the finance sector--he loved his mother, said nice things to me, hell he even took me to dinner--needless to say it was dead-boring and didn't last. Now I am seeing an irresponsible creative type who's always high--tis true love. However, if I end up in the gutters of Collingwood with a needle in my arm can I blame you?
I also wanted to express my hatred for Bec Cartwright and Lleyton Hewitt. Who are these people? Why are these two pieces of stale white bread on the cover of every magazine? What kind of people sell the soul of their unborn child to a trashy magazine for millions of dollars?
Why do people think that you are the fountain of all knowledge on the topic of hair removal? You don't seem to be very very hairy by nature. Have you ever considered hiring yourself out as a hair removal consultant, or perhaps working for Dolly magazine?
Ms Fits,
We discussed a lipstick brand recently. Could you please remind me of the brand?
xx LC
i want to ask you a question.
YEAH SO...
I KNOW...
everybodies doing it...
...mostly cause i think your clever and i like the attention. that is of course if you answer it...
but i'm shy and my brain is broken so i'm not sure what to say. do you have any ideas?
I've realised that asking someone to state publicly how many people read their blog might not be The Done Thing, so I'll put it another way: Leaving aside those people searching for nude pictures of Elisabeth Rohm and Asia Carrera (who has "huge+natural+breasts") I get about 30-40 visitors to my own blog every day. 30!! Can you top this?
Also:
What do you think of Red Symon's hypothesis that "there are three roles available to women as joke-tellers"; The Transvestite, The Ingenue, or The Slag? (his examples)
Do you now realise that Eddie McGuire is a far more gifted and brilliant man than you ever previously imagined?
Are Magic 693 taking the piss?
oh.
here goes then...
can i paint your portrait?
i was going to say can i paint you... but you are a nice colour already... though you would look real pretty with red boobs and bum...
enough dell... ok.
Dear Ms Fits.
Could you please describe, in as much detail as you like, what you like to experience when it comes to cunnilingus? Seriously, detail is good. As much as you like.
Who do you rate - Men without hats or Flock of Seagulls?
i was having a discussion with someone about how adelaide has weird things happen. (ok, so i just read the book on the beaumont children. indulge me here.)
i'd be interested to know if you have any opinion on whether adelaide as a city is any weirder than others, crime-wise, in australia, and why that is...
or if you have no opinion, does anyone else?
i've heard it's weird with weird people.
I'm from Adelaide and I'm annoyed by the constant suggestion that it's populated by weird people. The only thing slightly odd about it is that that everybody knows everybody through somebody and there are only 3 good pubs to go to. Boring yes, but not exactly fuh-reaky. Besides, at least people from Adelaide don't sound like their accents got dragged backwards through a voice distortor.
Dear Ms Fits,
How did you arrange to have the esteemed goddess Angie Hart on your radio show?
Can you please list her top five rooting songs for the benefit of your audience? I think we could all benefit from them.
Thank you. You are lovely.
Do you agree that by having somebody else answer my last question the Q&A Matrix has been shot to pieces and all future sessions are now invalid?
If so do you know who has the record for recieving yards in a Superbowl featuring a team from California? My money's on Jerry Rice but I don't want to go all-in on this yet.
Ms Fits
Nigh on nine years ago, I played your brother in a short film, though we never actually shared screen time. Do you know to what I refer?
What do you think of the spin starts here? Either despite or because of their past last man standing bashing?
Do you want to come to my local for dinner one night (Pint on Punt)?
Here's some of the bar staff for you to oggle (most of them are only 21 years old)
Toby (party boy)
http://twitsgivemetheshits.timchuma.com/NewYearsEve2005/photos/photo65.html
Campbell (underwear model)
http://twitsgivemetheshits.timchuma.com/HybernatorsTwitsPOP120807/photos/photo74.html
Hamo (bar manager)
http://twitsgivemetheshits.timchuma.com/CupEve311005/photos/photo60.html
...and of course Corey
http://photos.timchuma.com/PintonPunt2852005/photos/photo16.html
(Not many female bar staff at the moment.)
If you are bringing a your partner down, there are booths and the disabled toilet is available for romantic interludes.
Thanks.
Fits, in this world of the internerd, discussion groups, email notification, blogs and web pages, do you think it is appropriate for people to know how to make hotlinks in html?
So then you could have a clickable link, (excuse me Mr. Chuma for the unauthorised use of you photos), like this: Tim Chuma's Mates
...instead of a string of URL blather?
I am not a programmer by any stretch of the imagination, but is this stuff yet at the point it should be as commonly understood as acronyms such as "ATM", "FTA", or the dreaded "ATO"?
1) If you could pick one person in the world to have revenge against, who would it be, what did they do to deserve it, and what would the act of revenge itself be? Please feel free to blur the identity/ies of those involved sufficiently to protect yourself/them but otherwise provide as much juicy detail as possible. Ta xo
2) Are you aware that I still owe you $100 from your birthday party in 2005, which I tried to pay back numerous times before I left for overseas last year, including leaving the equivalent amount in American dollars for you to collect from Kranki's place when we thought you might be visiting him in L.A a few weeks after I did? Now that I am living out of home, a full-time teaching student (think of the kiddies etc) and ghetto poor, can we leave the debt unpaid until I have some more money to pay it? Or do I now need to be worried that you will come around to our place and exact your pound of flesh?
Ms Fits,
How can you tell if the person you're seeing is going to stick around for the long haul or if they are the marrying type? How long does it take to figure this out?
Thanks.
Dear Ms Fits,
My girlfriend and I have a rather lame sex life and its really starting to take its toll on our relationship. On average we'd be lucky to engage in the action of 'love making' perhaps once a week. But the real issue I have is the lack of spontaneity. I could put up with the low frequency if it wasn't so regimented. If its going to happen, it’s only ever on the weekend, NEVER a weekday. It’s to the point where even I have become less interested because it’s just a process. It’s also more than apparent the she is less and less 'enthusiastic' when we actually have sex, there's no passion.
We've talked this over time and time again and yet nothing changes.
Am I blind? Is she totally over the relationship and I've been left behind sitting in denial?? I've never experienced anything like this before in previous relationships.
Please help Ms Fits, I can see our situation is only going to get worse!!
Your biggest fan,
George
Dear Ms
My partner doesn’t know that I’ve had a blog for the past year and a half and up till recently I’ve been quite comfortable with that, it has allowed me to crap on about things that are never going to happen, flirt with the unknown etc, however lately I’ve had an attack of the guilts and feel like I should maybe fess up. Also I am worried she or someone may google their way to me eventually. Problem is, she’s a bit of a hater when it comes to the internerd & internerd-met friends at the best of times and is likely to go off. Especially at the fact that it’s been a ‘secret’ for so long. I’ve thought of ‘re-inventing’ myself and starting a new blog, or deleting old entries & ‘pretending’ I’ve just started etc, although it’s been suggested that a deliberate ‘half-lie’ may be in fact worse than the original ‘non-reveal’. Do you think it’s ok to have a few secrets from your significant other? Should I ‘out’ myself, or hope that she never googles her way to my blog? Any other suggestions?
Dxxxx
Dear lovely lady,
Further to the conversation above about superflous http etc addresses, just how does one create a 'hyperlink' - is that what they're called? I'm a computer loser.
Will I ever get my shizzle together?
(FEEL FREE TO LIE)
Also - do you agree that Billy Zane looks like an severely Botoxed Sean Connery these days?
Surrounded by fucking? I wish. If that were the case I would surely stay. The more fucking the better, in my opinion.
However, it's more like I'm surrounded by people who are concerned with who fucks who and whether the fucker and the fuckee are Married Before God.
So, I guess I'll give .AU a shot for awhile . I'm not Lebanese, Ghey, or Burqa-wearing, though I do have a snazzy beard.
So a question: is it legal in Australia to punch Yahoo Serious or Steve Irwin in the face? 'Cos they annoy the hell outta me.
Get in line sunshine
That's very sad about your football team. You're welcome to share mine with me. You will be required to dress respectably to accompany me in the members, and also to possess a full quiver of incest jokes for the trip down to Geelong with the Philthy Phil Read Phaction.
All I can offer you in return is the promise of continuing disappointment punctuated with moments of such unspeakable joy (Melb d WB, Rd 21) that they make you wonder why anyone ever bothers with anything else.
That, and one of those little stickers for the back of your car. Go Dees.
Dear Ms Fits
I have just today come across your wonderful blog, following a link from the lovely Ampersand Duck. I'm a little down today and hope you can answer a question that is weighing heavily on my mind. Please can you help? My question is:
If you were living and working in one of the greatest cities in the world, London, would you follow the urgings of your heart and return to John Howard's sunny Oz*, or act on the logic of your head and struggle on in Blair's bounteous Britain?
*The urgings are not for JH but for the land of me birth...
Fits, I work with a fuck-tard who listenes to Bon Jovi and insipid house music all day, and in the cubicle opposite there are some Kath and Kim wanna-be's who listen to Fox FM all day. At night I dream of coming into work and slashing their throats with a fruit knife. Is there a less bloody way for me to cleanse the air from this woeful, eastern suburbs mind numbing poison.
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