Reasons you will hate me

Friday q and a #46.

Fear not, I am fully recovered from my twenty-four hour lurgy and have reaped the benefits of a day's enforced rest lying in bed watching Alan Partridge. All I feel like doing today is looking winsome in a punt while a handsome gent in a straw boater hand-feeds me marscapone figs. Instead, of course, I will be tackling our Friday questions.

Ariel said...
I never thought class was an issue in my life until recently. My husband's parents are upper middle-class bureaucrats with cool urban pads plus holiday homes; my family hail from the outer suburbs and frequent shopping malls. At the wedding, this became obvious when his family didn't think much of my siblings. Now, my husband tells me that my family are 'suburban' (read: bogans) and he's glad I'm not like them. BUT he thinks I, too, am 'a bit suburban' (read: 'a bit of a bogan'). I vote Green, I (we) live in the inner-city, I work in the arts, I don't shop, I don't even have a mobile. I'm hardly a candidate for The Wedge.

My question: Why on earth would someone say that to their partner-in-life? Why would someone choose a partner-in-life they look down on (and make this clear six years on)? And is my husband insensitive or am I hyper sensitive?

Dear god. Did you use your 'suburban' fists to punch him in his high-faluting nuts, Ariel? What sort of sniffily pompous twat takes it upon themselves to inform anybody - LET ALONE THEIR BELOVED LIFE PARTNER - that their inherent love of all things Westfield lessens them in the eyes of the world? And furthermore STICKS THE BOOT OF SHAME INTO THE KIND-HEARTED PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT THEIR WIFE INTO BEING, NO LESS?

Honestly. I don't know if your husband was such a classist snoot when you married each other, but he can jam his insensitive opinions up his backside. Why he's feeling the need to put you and your family in your 'places' I have no idea - perhaps he's suffering at work and has some ill-considered urge to reassert his authority - but you have every right to feel slightly injured by his habit of throwing you the Corinella section of the Sun to play with until he's done reading, and should firmly but fairly inform him that his social categorisations of you and those you love are not welcome around the dinner table and if he doesn't like it he can poonce off to whatever rowing regatta he and his braying chums frequent these days.

timboy said...
Dear Fits

Firstly, what's the worst/ most embarassing rooting injury you've ever suffered.

The reason I ask is because I never imagined rolling about on the floor could lead to very nasty, very large carpet burns to both legs.

Agh well- sick of telling people I fell down the stairs.

And secondly, which of these two characters is the more dubious 'band member'

a) Bez; or
b) Flavvy Flav

Can you think of any other people who are 'in' bands without actually doing much at all musically? Dorothy the Dinosaur springs to mind.

ciao

1. This is an injury that didn't happen to me directly, but I 'had a hand in' fnar fnar etc. p.s. Actual, honest-to-god letter from clearly deranged doctor:


'Dear Mr. ******


Re: ***********


Approximately 8 1/2 months ago during rigorous sex with his partner ********'s penis bent to left causing extreme pain and testicles turned blue and swolled up with 24 hrs. U/S was N. However since then during sex he has noticed that his left testicle becomes retractible! I had no idea if this was related to the initial incident or not. However, it is worrying him and causing discomfort for some time after sex.

Can you advise him?


Sincerely



Dr. **************'


I have no idea why he gets so excited about my ex's testicles 'becoming retractible!', but I recall all-too-clearly the sound my boyfriend's penis made when it snapped. Awful for all concerned, really.



2. That is an excellent question, timboy. Considering that despite his ongoing crack addiction and clear loss of mental faculties Our Flav manages to 'bust some sick rhymes' onstage with rap stalwarts Public Enemy while Bez's sole purpose of being is to take ecstasy and dance like a teenage monkey with epilepsy, I'd go with Flavor. The man is a walking anti-drugs advertisement and yet he still gets to bang ex-supermodels like Brigitte Neilsen.


In terms of others who are 'in' bands without doing much musically, I really don't know what to answer without being cruel. I asked someone this question today and they said 'Ringo Starr', but I couldn't bring myself to have any kind of vicious go at poor old Richard. I'm very kind at heart, you see.

Anonymous said...
What if those who take pleasure in killing life's joys have blocked youtube access? Should I purchase some sort of fierce-looking weapon & go a rampagin'?

Hm. Not entirely certain that I should be encouraging readers of RYWHM to buy semi-automatics and start mowing down their bosses (although given the morally ambiguous nature of current blog-related legal issues I should be able to slip through loopholes somewhere ROFLMAO111 etc), but I can imagine it must be infuriating to have a cyber-sitter in the form of your boss. I work best with lots of distractions and windows open...ten minutes writing, five minutes replying to retarded threads on Mess and Noise, twenty minutes writing, two minutes refreshing myspace to see if any adorable nineteen year-old boys have written to me again (sample message: 'im from melb i saw ur profile and i like it im a bit yonger than u but u can add me 2 ur msn so we can chat :) i want 2 have a older GF add me if ur in melb ' NO I AM NOT KIDDING), ten minutes writing, cup of tea, gmail, writing, pornography, writing, youtube, etc. I'd go mad if I were forced to stare at my own fucking inane ramblings for eight hours at a stretch without the relief of watching a dog wee in its own mouth or some Asian teenagers miming You've Lost That Loving Feeling. Can you register an anonymous complaint and say YouTube provides you with creative inspiration*, Anon?




*NB This will not work if you are an economist.

ms. chapstick said...
Yesterday I started reading Chelsea Peretti's blog from first post onwards. I've gotten through around a years worth of posts and roffled many times. In one of the posts she mentions getting a Prince CD from you. I was thinking I might buy something off the wishlist too; the blog is free and reading it is a joy and I feel like giving something in return.

Anyway, reading it recently and this post made me feel kinda sad. I guess when someone is funny and upbeat all the time you don't think they might not actually be that happy in their personal life. I think it's impossible to say this kind of thing on the internet without sounding like a stalker, but I think if you can bawl your eyes out over a character in a book or movie, you can also get attached to bloggers. I'd like to do something small to cheer her up for a moment, maybe.

So, the long lead-up to my question has ended. What is the nicest thing a fan/reader you've never met has done for you?

Isn't Chelsea Peretti funny as hell? There was a long period when a posse of Australian bloggers rallied together to try and convince her to come to Australia and be our BFF and do our hair and put us in some or all of her highly amusing short films, but she resisted/alerted the authorities so we let her be for a while. Do send her a present, she deserves nice things.


In terms of the loveliest thing a RYWHM reader has done for me (aside from repeatedly log on to this here website to see what kind of shrill lefty diatribe I am embarking on next), I was harmlessly stalked and given books by the lovely Booky who is now my dear mate and it made me feel excellent inside. Other than that, I once received the following incredible email:



'Dear Ms. Fits,

I would like to take this opportunity to offer you a free meal at ********* at your discretion. It will take you just that little step closer to our good friend and mentor Bob Hart.

I have been a long time fan of your blog, and I was honoured to see you give us a wee plug on your Friday night Q&A some time ago.

Yes, I do feel a little sheepish that this thank-you has been a long time coming, but I just haven’t had the time as of late.

I ask for no acknowledgement or publicity, as this is an unadulterated gesture to show my appreciation for the mirth-filled times that you have provided. It is aimed too as a measure neighbourly good-will, as you and I both reside in Fitzroy.

To alleviate any anxiety as to the ambiguity of this offer, you and a partner may partake in the degustation with matched wines on any given night bar Saturdays.


Please find attached our current menu. Feel free to contact me personally to make the reservation for you on ****** or reply to this email.


I look forward to meeting you in person.

Kindest regards

****** ***********

RESTAURANT MANAGER



PS. Do not be alarmed that I am some kind of wild, gesticulating sexual predator, for I am a big poof.'



I have censored the name of the manager and restaurant here because a) I am not a cash-for-comment girl by nature, and b) I have no idea whether he wanted this particular email to be made public. Needless to say I went to the dinner and met him and was wholly humbled by both the experience and his insistence that I was not to make bloggy crawlingness the next day. I honestly can't believe that someone would GIVE ME FREE FOOD for doing something I already love and to this day I am hugely touched by the gesture. If I could offer anything other than semi-amusing quips and an occasional hand job to people I would be handing out the complimentary accoutrements willy-nilly.

Big Matt Stud said...
Am I the only one who found those topless bikini speed bandits a little bit scary ? The head bandit in particular seemed to have a look on her face while she was on the job that seemed, well, kind of nuts. Normally I'm quite a fan of looking at lady lumps, but something about the fierceness of her admonishments to reduce speed seemed to take all of the fun out of it.

You were looking at her FACE, Big Matt Stud? What are you, gay?

Unrelenting Tedium said...
Dear Ms Fits,
I have struggled to think of a question worthy of you for many months. I am still trying...the thing that stirred me most of all was many weeks ago when you mentioned Katie Stone, who was my first crush in grade 3 at Auburn primary, and then pregnant Libby whom I have known for many years (and hold in high esteem)...yet I don't know you...and i still have no question...surely I could manufacture something from that?
Yours sincerely
Unrelenting Tedium

Are you sure we don't know each other, Unrelenting Tedium? Perhaps we were high-school lovers who used to meet behind the volleyball courts for above-waist petting. We certainly seem to have many mutual friends (please note: Libby is due to have a baby any day now. I saw her husband at Foodworks yesterday and he was buying beer whilst gesturing to the car park and saying: 'She's probably out there right now going into labour') and at the very least should barbecue together. Let's put our Encyclopedia Brown caps on and nut out our connection at once.

BEVIS said...
While we're on the topic, Ms Fits (because we definitely were), did you know that Katie Stone has married, changed her surname, and pushed out a sprog? Does that change anything for you, in regards to the image you have of her in your head (if nothing else)?

I didn't know that, no. WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE EX-TEENAGERS GROWING UP AND HAVING BABIES AND LEAVING ME IN THE MIRE OF OVERGROWN ADOLESCENCE? I can't imagine our Katie as anything other than a shiny-haired thirteen year old with perfect teeth and a penchant for tennis skirts, so the idea of her shouting at someone to clean their room before she gives them a clip around the ear just sticks in my craw for some reason.

Anonymous said...
To sad, excema, valium girl....
mebbe you should try some hospitality work for the summer. a cafe where the hours are friendly, you can don a frock and make people happy by giving them great coffee and food. No strain, no brain just sociable days til you get some clues for the future.
just a thought.
a minor place in albion st is looking for staff....

A wonderful idea, Anon. A Minor Place has highly attractive staff and an above-par baked bean dish. Sign up at once.

Anonymous said...
hiya ms fits, two questions for your wise consideration:

1) i got an email from the one-i-never-got-over about a month ago, saying that he'd dreamt i was tenderly explaining that i'd been engaged for 12 months, and how sad this still made him feel 4 years after we broke up. a month later, i had a dream that he told me he was going to ask his dream girlfriend to marry him - which made me incredibly sad when i woke up. do i need to work this out with him in waking life, or should i leave well enough (and good enough) alone?
2) the one-i-never-got-over was pretty flaky but also incredibly charismatic and of a decidedly artistic bent. aren't they always?

oh dear, and thanks.

1) Oh dear indeed, Anon. Dreaming about someone from the past can be an utterly confusing thing, just as having subconscious erotic episodes about Conan O'Brien can make you wake with a start and loudly announce: 'I must go to New York and have Conan's babies'*. Why is our mind wandering to ex-loves/Conan and causing us nocturnal frettings just when we're emotionally ready to move on and remove their photograph from our pinboard? Why then are we so stirred to send them a whimsical text message when we awaken, just to let them know we still feel for them and want to touch them gently and repeatedly on the clavicle?

If you're trying to get over this man-obstacle, I'd suggest you leave well enough and good enough alone and chalk the dream up to your subconscious having a happy stroll down memory lane, sentimental fucko that it is. Feel sad and let it go without sharing, difficult though it may be.


2) YES, THE CHARISMATIC AND ARTISTIC ONES ARE ALWAYS TROUBLE.


But what blessed, blessed trouble.




*please note: this is always, always how violent stalking episodes begin. You have been warned.

Anonymous said...
Hi Fits,

In the interest of both your sanity and keeping Friday Q & A going for longer (because you won't get sick of it as soon) have you considered cutting off at twenty questions a week? You could close comments after the 20 has been reached. I tend to skim halfway through, as I'm sure others do. And that's not fair on you, given the time and effort you put in. Just a thought.

OMFG YOU PEOPLE ARE SKIMMING?


Honestly.


Yeah, I guess I've considered making a cut off point. I'm just eager to please (and be loved, to be honest, though that's an issue between me and my confidantes) and would hate for anyone to feel their question hasn't been wholly considered and answered.

What does everyone else reckon? You folk make the questions, you should decide. Want me to limit them to 20, first in best dressed? All in favour say Aye. Against, Nay.


p.s. Postal votes not counted.

The Other Cunt said...
Oi Hardy! I know what all these words mean. Do you?

Abeyance
Anomie
Amorphous
Apotropaic
Apparatchiks
Apropos
Assuaging
Autodidacts
Bonhomie
Boondoggle
Braggadocio
Cacophony
Concatenate
Coolie
Coruscating
Coup de grace
Ecumenical
Extirpate
Fulmination
Impecunious
Insouciance
Jeremiad
Loquacious
Maelstrom
Mendacity
Ministrations
Neophyte
Opprobrium
Oracular
Parsimoniously
Premonitory
Shibboleth
Simpatico
Stagflation
Sub rosa
Tabula rasa
Vaporous
Verisimilitude
Vole
Winnowing

Oh and if you don't impress me with your Dawkins review i'll break some faces down at the needle exchange. So remember when you look down the barrel of those expensive studio cameras that i'm holding you accountable. Got it?

There were a few of them I had to look up, TOC. Is this going to be an issue? You certainly seem to be intellectually aggressive and ready to strike should someone fail to look worried when you made a jeremiad against them. In addition I'd probably feel better about your vaguely insane threats if I hadn't already recorded the Dawkins review before this question was posted. Do please be nice to those people at the needle exchange; they've got enough to worry about without you coming down and getting physical.

Free Stuff For Kids said...
My question, and indeed I think you may well find it to be a question which is on many people's 'lips', is if you think I should use Aldara cream, or get cryosurgery for the twenty odd persistent genital warts I have under my glans? Ever since I went toe to toe with this tweaker slush-vulva musty-panted ho (that followed me home), my undercock looks like dessicated coconut. She paid for the cab, granted but I can't help remembering, time was, when some low down bitch gave it up to me and gangstas after the club, my immune system could handle it. Not to degrade her and I won't say what grade she was in fact in, but i've had higher grade meat from BiLo, and THAT was on 'market day'! Sometimes I want to call for compulsory lower back tattoos warning the user, which may read for example, "cooch screamin' needin' cleanin due to excessive tag teamin' and suckin' semen!'" but, as with any current affair, it truly is 'buyer beware'. Particularly if she replies with a request for drink which contains red bull, I find, anyway. Have you ever gone the drop on some john and got a non-visual cue with the old licker on the said undercock of said john? Sometimes it can be like high grain sandpaper. But to look at him from the top, or even eye to eye, you wouldn't even know. Anyway, Aldara cream ain't on the PBS, (fuckin creationist cunt health minister fuck) so I've either gotta go split my shit to some community GP and he gets out the old liquid nitrogen wand and returns the other equally old wand to pre-fountaingate slush-whore exposure status, or I fork out a fair percentage of my Newstart for the Aldara. I don't know what to do Ms Fits, but let me say I am eager to get back on the saddle, so to fucking speak. Please advise. Do any of the male readers also think it fucked and sexist that they only developed a HPV vaccine for sheilas? And this sexist fuck who invented it is Australian of the Year? With a bit of luck that fuck will be as obscure as 1993 Australian of the year Mandawuy Yunupingu (of 'Treaty' fame) soon enough. Anyway it was a girl who gave me HPV, and it is girls who will be vaccinated/deloused in future, so I guess in a decade or so when young bucks are out cruisin to get some slip, guess it won't be as much a thinking man's minefield as it is at present. Good for them, but MY undercock ain't pretty, niether was she but hey, I just want some relief here and where is the Commonwealth with the god damn cash and subsidies for the legions of honest Aussie blokes who have benign HPV warts getting between them and getting the good stuff with the lamp on? They are going to fund a cornucopia of wart free silky flesh holes for the generations with cherries not yet popped, yet I suppose some promiscious punters are more equal than others in Abbott's orwellian brave new world of wart free Australian sloppy vulva transactions.

Digital photos of "my shit, split" are await whoever checks the health minister's inbox next.

My, what a fascinatingly worded question. I particularly enjoyed the term 'tweaker slush-vulva musty-panted ho' (Mark Latham I hope you're taking notes). If I may sift through the verbal debris you have scattered all over the web-page and try to ascertain exactly what you're asking:


1. 'Should I use Aldara cream, or get cryosurgery for the twenty odd persistent genital warts I have under my glans?'


If they are 'persistent' I suggest you get cryosurgery, Anon. Cut to the chase or no doubt you'll spent countless hours daubing yourself with ointments which will be a waste of your time, your parents' time and the school's time.


2. 'Have you ever gone the drop on some john and got a non-visual cue with the old licker on the said undercock of said john? '


You're asking me if I have 'felt out' any alarming lumps or sexually transmitted diseases on a young man's genitals via my exploratory tongue? No, not from memory. Though the sensory possibilities are mindboggling, frankly.

3. 'Do any of the male readers also think it fucked and sexist that they only developed a HPV vaccine for sheilas? And this sexist fuck who invented it is Australian of the Year?'


Over to you, male readers.


p.s. I think it's sexist also, for what it's worth.


4. 'Where is the Commonwealth with the god damn cash and subsidies for the legions of honest Aussie blokes who have benign HPV warts getting between them and getting the good stuff with the lamp on?'


I have no idea, Anon. Where indeed? Shall we begin a campaign at once? Bags you inventing our acronym, since you seem to be somewhat of an intriguing wordsmith.

Grand Mufti Rape Squad said...
And Hardy, one more thing hun...

If you ever have a stillborn baby maybe you'd wanna check this site out and send some business their way.

http://www.babyphotoretouch.com/

Thankyou, Grand Mufti. That is both incredibly kind and unbelievably tasteful. You will be rewarded for your efforts in the afterlife.

http://www.babyphotoretouch.com/ said...
I have to another one I came across...

Friends beyond the wall...perfect

What do you think?

http://www.friendsbeyondthewall.com/
http://www.babyphotoretouch.com/

From photoshopping stillborn babies to making penpal friends with hardened criminals. You people really think highly of me, don't you? It's certainly wonderful to be admired by such upstanding citizens.

Anonymous said...
While we are on the Ian Thorpe topic (and we weren't), what do you think of the probably true rumour that he is dating Tom Waterhouse, son of successful horse trainer Gai Waterhouse?

No jokes about her name being 'Gai' either. I've already been there in my head.

Nice legal arse-covering there, Anonymous. 'Probably true rumour' = DON'T SUE, MANAGEMENT AND UPPER ECHELON OF THORPE INC. WE ARE BUT HUMBLE ANONYMOUS BLOGGERS GATHERING ALMS FOR THE POOR AND WILL SOON BE ON OUR WAY.


I hadn't heard that rumour, actually. Though I have been privately enjoying the fact that the building site unhinged gay Callum is working at on Tripping Over just happens to be the Ian Thorpe pool (did the production office have a field day with that or is it just a gloriously comedic coincidence?). Whether Aquapedo or whatever it is they're calling him these days prefers the touch of penis to sweet ladykisses is really beside the point. Hasn't everyone made up their mind personally anyway?


p.s. If he ever decided to come out I would be the first to group-text everyone I have ever met as I am quite shallow in that way.


p.p.s. re: Tom Waterhouse.



Ian could do better, in my humble opinion.

Anonymous said...
I've developed quite a liking to this incredibly attractive & brainy womyn... Lara Logan...

isn't she divine?

She is rather dishy, yes. And with such an intriguing wandering supermodel accent. It's nice to get crushes on journalists; I'm quite partial to the adorably-monikered Mignon Henne, and anyone that can resist the sparkling mischevious eyes of ABC newsreader Ian Henderson just isn't breathing in my book.

Anonymous said...
Ahh Fits.

How do you know the difference between instinct and self-sabotage?

I've been with a man for three years...it's never been easy....we love each other but it is tempestous and fragile. Exhausting at times for us both - and just as often warm and delightful and fun we share the same morals as well the same perversities, which for me at least strikes a kinda nice balance.

Some days I think it is my mentalness that creates this friction and that I should just get my shit together (issues - I got 'em sure)...
Other days I think I am with an emotionally repressed boy who's interpretation of love is truly 'never having to say you're sorry' - without even a smidgeon of irony. A man-boy you could say

So, how the fuck to you discern what's real?

(I know you wouldn't but...if your answer could be devoid of the word 'heart' used in terms of 'listen to your'... and 'feel in your'.... That'd be ace.)

This one is going to take a lot more than a reassuring squeeze of the arm unfortunately.

Big ask I know, but I am today at least, bewildered.

Thanks

Oh boy, Anon. I would never tell you to 'listen to your heart' in a case like this - no doubt your heart is as mixed up as all those Backstreet Boys lady-obsessives who wanted to touch Lance Bass on the doodle until he came out and told them he preferred anal with men AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT IS MIXED UP.


I have been in a similar situation, and I guess all I can advise is for you to take a big step back in order to do some private and no doubt hideously ponderous assessing. Do you want to be constantly exhausted and intellectually stimulated by your manchild pervert knowing that he'll possibly exasperate you til the end of time itself? Are you looking to take a sidestep from giddy confusion into stability all the while aware that your solid-as-a-rock new beau may bore you to tears even though he'll always pay the rent on time? Falling in love with creative and troubled men as I constantly do, I'm not sure I'll ever figure out the answer to these questions AS I WILL BE TOO BUSY THROTTLING MY BOYFRIENDS, but if you've still got cause to wring your hands and fret after three years you really need to enforce a break to consider your options. Go get a house by the beach for a couple of months, or even weeks if it's too hard to wrangle time off work. You'll miss him like bananas, but with some space for breathing you may be able to discern the difference between what's real and what you've just grown to accept as normal.


Good luck.

Joseph said...
Hi Fits, we at melbs are having a bit of a cricket match, open to anyone who: 1) has a Meredith ticket, 2) appreciates the willow and/or the leather, 3) has some -- any -- sort of sense of humour.

Perhaps you could give it a plug? I believe we'd prefer people with a bit of passion for the game, but not too much ability. Sorta like John Howard but meeting criteria 1 and 3 as well.

PS do you meet criterion 2?

I'm more your one and three, to be perfectly honest. Though I did own the Test Match boardgame as a wee snapper, as well as a giant inflatable finger with 'COME ON AUSSIE COME ON' written on the side.


May I say I'm at this point unsure what state I will be in at 1:30pm Saturday though will most certainly drop in for a drink and perhaps a quiet and unobtrusive streak across the pitch.

Woodsman said...
Do you think Collingwood's recruiting team is having a little bit too much fun by recruiting Dick and Goldsack in the draft and promoting Cox off the rookie list? Does this explain why they delisted Fanning?

Also, do you think it is possible that you will ever be able to whole-heartedly barrack for another football team again? Perhaps a way to ease your way back into it would be to barrack for the team who plays against that spineless, classless, dishonourable pig Mal Michael?

1. I don't know, but they certainly should be. Look at you with your Carry On Recruiting double-entendres there, Woodsman. You're a regular John Inman.


2. Not whole-heartedly, no. How can one do something whole-heartedly when their heart has been broken? I can follow football and get behind a team (it's been Richmond in recent years), but it's just not the same. I want to be wrapping sandwiches in glad-wrap and unable to sleep the night before a game, and I'm not sure throwing myself into a one-woman anti-Mal Michael campaign will cut the mustard.

Dave said...
"...you will not in any way be disappointed by my pregnant best friend; she is a miracle of nature."

Saw the afore-mentioned miracle last night as part of the Sista She Show - and everything they say about pregnancy and the glow is true. Not to mention the boobs.

And it certainly sounded like the 95% lesbian audience agreed.

Yes, 95 % of lesbians recommend my best friend, Dave. Luckily the majority of the wider population agrees. SHE HAS BEEN SENT TO US FROM HEAVEN AND BRINGETH WITH HER AN ANGEL-CHILD FOR ME TO TEND TO.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terry_Kath said...
Is it just me Ms Fits? Or is it in fact the case that in this world, those who fuck around with handguns and accidentally blow their faces off get it pretty good after they die. What got me a'thinkin this was the report to be released this week by the 'army' which on 'Public' Jake Kovco's death. It reveals he was fooling around with a gun to his head and...well you all know what happened after that. Turns out, in this country, if you are DUMB enough, and enough of a total, complete fucking fool of moron, to play with loaded guns and impress your mates, you get honoured as a 'hero' and your name goes on the war memorial in Canberra. What a fucking joke! This guy ain't no hero, he's a DAMN FOOL! The difference between you putting a gun to your head and a 'slain hero' is a schizophrenic down on his luck versus some joker cunt signing up to be connon fodder for the War On Honour, and entertaining your ute muster mates in the barracks after a hard day driving forklifts for the US war effort! The guy should have just retired to his bunk bed and whacked off to the Big Brother edition of "Ralph" his brother just sent him and I wouldn't be wasting my time writing this obiturary of a moron right now. I spit on his fucking plaque on the war memorial, and I tell his fucking moron family to get off my fucking TV. You morons. You FUCKING morons. And the prick had a wife and kid, fucking moron. Turns out in the US too, if you do almost the same thing, as band Chicago's Tery Kath did in the late 70's you also get looked after post mortem as well. In fact none other than Kiefer Sutherland stepped in and raised his orphan daughter for him. Check out the wikipedia on Tery Kath for some background on that. Anyway Ms Fits, my question is, what do you make of this fine line between fame and shame with headshot gun accidents?

Hm. I wouldn't go so far as to rail against Shelley Kovco and the kids (really, they've been having a slightly rough trot as it is don't you think?), but you're right - Jake's name probably shouldn't be chiselled into any memorial as a 'forgotten hero' or whatever trite sentiments they express on those particular plaques. He either committed suicide or was toying around with a gun and went 'hey look, you can see right down the barrel of these things' and tragedy occurred and the bungling began - and while both of those things are rather sad for all involved, it hardly means we should be naming a battleground after him and playing annual games of Kovco Two-Up.


Terry Kath, on the other hand, was part of the band who wrote 'Hard For Me To Say I'm Sorry' and should therefore be lauded forever and ever amen.

Painfree said...
Hi Fits,
RU going to see Matt Finish at the Corner on Thursday?

I think you should.
Regards

Wait, did you mean yesterday Thursday or next week Thursday? Either way I cannot as yesterday Thursday no longer exists (thankfully for me as I had a hellish day), and next week Thursday I have plans. Do enjoy Matt Finish either in future sense or hindsight either way.

Mel said...
Re: the attractiveness of Jordan Bratman. I feel a little awkward quoting Seinfeld in these post-racial-tirade days, but perhaps he has 'the kevorka' - "the lure of the animal".

Re: Tom Petrovsky's hair. I thought his name was spelled "Pietrowski" but just now I can find no evidence of this on Google. Anyway, last time I googled him there was some speculation on a messageboard that he has a ponytail that isn't visible on camera.

You're right about Jordan Bratman. Who am I to judge? I have dated some hideous-looking men in my time, who have all had their charms. And thus nature balances itself.

Big Matt Stud said...
Painfree, I quite liked Matt Finish back in the day (I guess this pretty much dates both you and me), but didn't the singer/songwriter/guitarist die some time ago ? Doesn't this make this latest effort a little close to 'INXS Rockstar' for comfort ?

Hang on, is this a question for me or Painfree? I have quite obviously outed myself as someone who, whilst not being completely anti Matt Finish, certainly doesn't love them enough to cancel previous arrangements in order to attend their rock shows. I should therefore not be trusted to answer any questions about dead singer/songwriter/guitarists or similar, though may I say at this point that probably the only band who have pleased me with a new, replace-the-dead-person singer is AC/DC. Painfree, over to you:

Painfree said...
Big Matt Stud,
Hey old-timer! Matt Moffit died prematurely in 2003, he was just getting back into music.
The band will consist of original members John Prior and Jeff Clayton along with newcomers Luke Dixon and Matt Cornell.
They have a music clip on youtube-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mYgOYJLSLI
Hey Fits,
Hope you don't mind your comments being used as a discussion board.

Not at all.


Hey Painfree, are you in Matt Finish?

Anonymous said...
Have you heard of femslash?

No, but I was game enough to look it up even though I secretly suspected it was one of those lady stand-up urinal things which no-one wants to use at the Big Day Out.


Anyhow, Wikipedia tells me thusly:

'Femslash (also known as saffic, femmeslash, girlslash, slash, yuri, or shoujo-ai) is a variation on the traditional definition of slash fiction — homosexual/homoerotic fanfiction. In femslash, female fictional characters are paired in a romantic or sexual relationship in a fan-written story. The term comes from the abbreviation of "female."
Many fandoms are femslash-positive, including Hex, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Harry Potter, ER, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, Firefly, and, the first primarily femslash fandom, Xena: Warrior Princess. Older, more well-known fandoms also have growing femslash contingents, such as Star Trek, The X-Files, and comic books such as Purgatori, Catwoman and Harley & Ivy.[citation needed]
Femslash is a wide and varied genre, ranging from epic romances, to hardcore pornography, to lighthearted romps, to darkest horror.'


...and I am therefore enlightened. Who should we have a crack at? Caitlin and Lucy from Degrassi Junior High? We could do line at a time and make a day of it.

thr said...
Ms Fist

What do you make of This?

you'd be a sho-in right?

regards
thomasr

To quote:

'Text Appeal is a new take on the traditional dating formula. Each person brings a book they love, loathe or have recently read to act as a conversation starter. Jane Austen may find Patrick O’Brien, Salman Rushdie could be captivated by Zadie Smith, and JK Rowling - can take her pick. The books people bring may reveal who they are, who they aren't and perhaps who they are looking for, all in a three-minute conversation.'


I think it's a magnificent idea, yes. Though I'm struggling with what to take. Martin Amis novels are too cold and prickly. A Confederacy of Dunces could be too insane. Ditto Fante. A little help, people? Bliss by Peter Carey? I AM TRYING TO SELL MYSELF HERE.

The Slapper Princess said...
Ms Fits, would you be so kind as to answer these questions three:

1) Is it tough and street and 'modern girl' of me to turn up at the Bentleigh Needle Stick Place at 7.30am tomorrow BY MYSELF and get blood tests (ie have no one to forcibly make hold my hand and STARE at the blood being syphoned from my arm so I don't have to)?

2) Is it embarrassing and hoorish of me that I loudly and bouncily introduced myself to Danny Katz when he came into my store a couple of weeks ago and told him I loved him and that I obsessively read everything he writes and basically gushed like a semi-retarded twat (I acknowledge that there is upsetting imagery in that last description)? Do I have any dignity after this episode?

3) If I ask you nicely and purely out of the greed of my own self-professed and desperate need of approval and acceptance to read my own blog, would you? And if you would, would you think kind things in your heart (even if you secretly think it's crap) and just say a 'Well done YOU' (as patronisingly as you please, truly, I don't mind) and not tear me down cruelly, leaving me to crouch naked and foetal, sobbing into my pillow with a 1kg block of Dairy Milk moustache (not that you would ever tear me down cruelly, unless you would, because I don't know you and that would be presumptuous of me to think)?

thankyouverymuchyourock

1) I would suggest the most street and modern girl thing you could do was fashion a home-made needle and take the blood tests at home on your own TSP, but yes - it's still very brave to swan in alone for hurty jabbings. You don't have to look, you know. I make a point of staring at the diseased gum chart on the wall to take my mind off the rich red goodness being sucked from my limbs by a nurse with a shelf-life bosom.


2) Not in any way whatsoever. I have harrassed the lovely Danny Katz on more than one occasion and during each he has been charm itself. Besides which, don't you suppose he'd rather attractive young women clutching his arm a little too tightly and breathily quoting his funnies back in his face than someone storming up and announcing loudly that they DON'T FIND JEWISH PEOPLE AMUSING IN ANY WAY SO PLEASE CEASE WITH THE COLUMNS?


3) I had already read your blog actually and I like it very much and I apologise profusely for not leaving a comment. I lurk seedily on far too many blogs without adding my two cent HAY U R FUNNY AS FUCK-type rejoinder, which is quite shameful of me. I will take measures to address this character flaw in future.

Anonymous said...
ROFL whoever wrote that shit about genital and jake kovco!!! hahahaha you deserve a blowjob from you know who

No, who? Me? I don't just give them out for free, you know.

I'm not Craig said...
Hm. Were you in Boom Crash Opera? Am I warm?

Colder. Unless I was recording under rated rock anthems of the 80s when I was in Year 8.

I will always love this band, partly for "Dancing in the Storm" but mostly for refusing to allow John Hewson to use Betterdaze as his theme song in 1993.

On that basis, I also love the Black Sorrows.

I was not in the Black Sorrows.

And since we're doing the 80s now, you can also rule out Kids in the Kitchen and Pseudo Echo.

I'm hoping that this will lead to some sort of regular segment on your radio show or something.

Oh, me too. We need more material for the show; it's getting very tired after ten years.


Hm. Were you in Tumbleweed? Or perhaps Def FX?

Adam said...
Hello young lady,

Good work on all these words.. You've been doing a bang up job of all these questions.

Is there any question in particular that you would like to be asked, or have been waiting patiently to be asked? Or even surprised that you haven't been asked yet?

Thanks,
Adam.

That's a really tough one. I have no idea, to be honest. When I started this lengthy q and a session I just thought people were going to ask me things about me, which I was more than happy to answer as I am obviously self-obsessed enough to start a blog and foist my opinions on whoever cares to read. Since then commenters have asked me about everything from genital warts to marriage breakups. It's utterly fascinating, and never dull.

There's not really one question I'm holding out to be asked, no. This one's rather nice, though.

Anonymous said...
Ms Fits, help me!

All of my friends are really depressed, and I don't know what to say or do to help them.

How can I make them feel better?

Oh dear, Anonymous. All of them? That is a terrible misfortune. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

The last thing you can do is run yourself ragged trying to make your depressed friends happy. Be there for them, by all means suggest counselling or therapy - but don't turn yourself inside out attempting to second-guess what will bring a smile to their face. It's not easy being close to someone with depression, and I'm sure all your friends are sad in different and varying ways. Try contacting someone like Beyond Blue for tips on best supporting those with depression. They should help you better than I can.

Tim Chuma said...
The ad said this show is "an ideal Christmas Present", what do you reckon?

I remember seeing something similar in Western Australia in 1982, it's good for little kids at least.

Anything that starts out its website by saying: 'In 2000 Rene & Barbara Gasser established Equestrian Entertainment Pty Ltd with the intention of sharing their two greatest passions with the general public, horses & live entertainment' wins votes with me. Dinner, a performance and a guided tour of the stables after the show for $140, that's a fucking bargain in anyone's language.

Anonymous said...
Is it just me or are friday Q & A getting a bit tired? Maybe the other commenter is right and you should just reply to the first in, best dressed lot of twenty.

Possibly, Anon. Anyhow, we've handed the vote over to the public. I'll just count you with the 'ayes', shall I?

Anonymous said...
treasured fits,

would you not agree re: the "what does cock taste like?" queries of a few weeks past, that it is somewhat squeaky in texture? does "squeaky" not infact sum up the entire question?

just food for thought.

I suppose it can be, Anon. Particularly when fresh from the bath-tub or shower. But do you really feel 'squeaky' counts as a taste? I've eaten things before with a rather rubbery and fresh texture, yet I'm not sure John Lethlean would bung 'squeaky' into a review of Vue De Monde when describing a course of blood-orange duck or similar.

Anonymous said...
What! How could a blogger win a Walkley, especially one as annoying as Jack Marx?

I've actually rather liked Jack Marx of late, though I loathed him for years after reading that horrid Stevie Wright book. His piece on Ian Thorpe is funny as hell, not least due to the dunderheaded cockscrapes lurking in the comments.


AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH A BLOGGER WINNING A WALKLEY I ASK YOU.

me said...
Dear Ms Fits,
This is an etiquette question (that I hope I kick in over the line before this ticks into friday)

if one is rather reticent about ever voicing ones emotional feelings for another but has decided that enough is enough and finally one must carpe diem, other cliches, and just tell the mofo already how one feels EVEN IF the object of the affection is a total munter and prone to deep and freezing silences when it comes to talking about emotional shit.. ANYWAY.

If one decides to do it in the written format, what is the best way of getting this shit over to the object of affection? Hand deliver? Piff it under the front door in the dead of night? Other? Please advise.

I hope your lurgy gets better quick smart

xxme

Oh you lovely, lovely thing.


I say under the door in the dead of night, unless said munter has variously munty housemates who may pick it up and read it and assume it's about them causing a farce of Coward-esque proportions including surprised vicars popping out of airing cupboards. The problem with hand-delivery is that you may over-rehearse what you want to say in your mind, resulting in a pink-cheeked panic and accompanying I DUN THIS FOR YOU-type disaster, so just go the romantic slip 'neath door and cross your fingers and hope for the best.


p.s. Be utterly certain that there are no wayward gusts/corridor drafts as the missive will never arrive and you will spend the rest of your days wringing your hands and presuming your munter doesn't adore you and want to cover you in strawberry kisses.

Ryan said...
Good morning dearest Fits,

Feel free to live the dreamm beside me...just shove over a little occasionally, as you seem to always be hogging the beanbag.

Don't listen to those raving on that q and a are tired - every week should include a foison (there's my word for the week) of ramblings.

Now, why did you end up in court? And how did you get caught in the first place? I would imagine you too cunning to do so (more in a Blackadder way, rather than Baldrick). Perhaps also, if you care to share, the consequences?

It's rather a sad and sorry story really, and here it is in unemotional brief - my ex-husband and I shared custody of his beautiful daughter until one day she was taken on a two-week holiday to Queensland with her mother and never brought back. We obviously contested and spent a great deal of money to lose*. She now lives in Nimbin and we see her irregularly.


p.s. I am too cunning to get caught by the law, you're correct.




*this was not our intention, obviously.

Jess said...
Dear Ms Fits,

Can you do a public service announcement for me? On Wednesday night at RRR I got a call from a charming man named Alex and promised to contact him the following morning by email regarding something music related. But - being a total SPAZZ - I lost the piece of paper with his email address on it. Punch me in the tits, etc.

He mentioned in conversation that he read your blog so can you plead on my behalf for him to email jessculture at gmail.com? And apologise profusely on my behalf? Garn.

x

PS: Should I have Ausculture put down by the intervet*? I've lost my mojo again and simply cannot think of ANYTHING to blog about. Do you think bloggers should be entitled to Long Service Leave?

*Soz for the appalling pun on "internet".

You heard the nice lady, Alex. Email her.


p.s. Is this like a dating thing? Can I be bridesmaid when you two get married?


p.p.s. If you stop doing Ausculture I will kill you. If you can think up funnies for the radio/trivia nights, you can think up funnies for the inter'vet' <---SEE YOU'VE STILL GOT IT.




**********************


And that's it for today. I'm very interested to know if next week we're down to 20 or we remain 5:30 Friday friends - as ever, leave your questions for next week in the comments below. I'm off to celebrate the possibility of thrilling newness and take the dog for a pensive walk through the burbs while we take a long hard look at ourselves and each other.





344 days til the next election.

45 comments.