Reasons you will hate me

Friday q and a #47.

It's an early one today as I am off to wilt in the searing heat of Meredith and need to dust out all the spiders from my van so I don't awaken in the middle of the night piercing the bushlands with my feminine screams.


With regard to last week's thorny issue:

'Anonymous said...
Hi Fits,

In the interest of both your sanity and keeping Friday Q & A going for longer (because you won't get sick of it as soon) have you considered cutting off at twenty questions a week? You could close comments after the 20 has been reached. I tend to skim halfway through, as I'm sure others do. And that's not fair on you, given the time and effort you put in. Just a thought.'


We now have a total of 3 'aye, cut those bitches down' and 15 'nay with the cutting! Continue unabated, fair maiden of the interweb!' So all you skimmers out there have been shouted down by democracy, I'm afraid.


Now that's out of the way, do you feel we should just press on with this week's multitude of Friday questions?

Pricey said...
Hey Fits, great Q&A, I see no reason to limit the questions that you publish. I mean no one is forcing the "twenty questions" set to read more than twenty, are they? I have one question - do you think Rudd is going to get the gong on Monday?

*peers into magical crystal ball of hindsight*


Yes, Pricey. Yes I do. I also feel that Schapelle Corby will be found guilty and Yasmin's Getting Married will be improbably pulled from commercial television after just one week.


I do hope all of the questions are going to be this breezy.

Anonymous said...
Do you get the feeling that Jennifer Byrne dislikes you?

I've only watched first tuesday book club half of once, but I got the feeling that you didn't do it for her.

Did you pee on her lawn or something?

Oh! No, I've never had that feeling. We get along very well and I've been to her house and stayed up talking for many fascinating hours and all. I might not 'do it for her' in a boudoir sense but then again she is shacked up with one of the mightiest geniuses ever to grace Australian televisual screens, so I don't doubt I'd be a bit of a letdown by comparison. Still, different strokes etc.


p.s. I have not peed on her lawn, though I have peed in her secret toilet*.






*Most certainly not a metaphor.

richardwatts said...
Dearest Fitzalicious,

Two questions:

1. Have you ever dated a boy who thereafter decided that he was a cockhound rather than a devotee of the female pudenda? If so, did you feel a sense of anger/guilt/responsibility? Or possibly delight - "Now I can borrow all his hot gay porn!"

2. Lunch?

Hello lovely


1. No, I've never turned a man queer (though not for want of trying LOLZITA NABOKOV STYLEE). A friend of mine was the last lady to pound the penis of a now card-carrying member of the fruity homo society (Balwyn branch) and she wears it as a badge of honour. I suppose it could go either way - a) 'Clearly I am the greatest vagina ever in existence and once a man has savoured my charms there is no betterment' or b) 'There is obviously something so heinous about my lady cootch that my gentleman caller chooses to now dive face first into a ballsac'. For my sense of self-worth I would always tell myself the former, even if I privately suspected my nethers were skanky man-turners.


2. That sounds very nice. When are you free?

sharpatootha said...
Hello Dearest Lady Fits,

I've been pondering for sometime whether to ask you this or not, as it seems, to me, rather personal and the kind of question one shouldn't ask because it's all sacred territory type dealings. BUT, goshdarnit, I want to know.
I'm a fan of your ex-husband man's music times, and was wondering if/what songs are about you? I feel that one or two are obvious, but I wouldn't want to presume.
Terribly sorry if this question is a bit.. i dunno. *ahem* and weird. Feel free to ignore my intrusive question.

x Sharptootle

p.s. I know I've gone really wrong when I'm hitting the space bar twice before the return key due to Mess+Noise's shitty markup bizzo.

Hi Tootle


THERE ARE NO QUESTIONS TOO PERSONAL ON THIS HERE FRIDAY Q AND A.


I'm really not too certain which ones on the most recent record are apart from Gentle As She Goes, but on The Undertow I know Happy Man, Simple Things and Here She Comes are all humblingly intimate. He's making a new record at the moment which I hope will be out soon and we can all go to the launch and say hooray.

m. said...
Dear Ms Fits,

Firstly, long time reader, first time questioner. I've recently started a blog myself, and I'm trying to gain access into the Melbourne Blogging Community (tm). I'm wondering perhaps if there is a bi-monthy secret cocktail party that I need to attend at which one is expected to hand out little cards with my url printed nicely on them? All I long for is a nice long links list, and perhaps a comment or two. Can you convey the secret hand-shake to me via diagram?

cheers,
the lady pirate.

ps. totally am not a lady.

Ah, the confusingly-monikered Lady Pirate (wtf is with that by the way?). I suppose the best way to break into the OH SO ELUSIVE NOT JUST ANY SELF-OBSESSED DORKO WITH HTML SKILLS GETS IN YOU KNOW Melbourne blogging community is to continue writing funny as fuck posts like this one as well as leaving the odd pithy and debonair comment peppered around blogs you enjoy and eventually the 'community' itself will flock to you in the manner of eight hundred children in stripy t-shirts attending an Eddy Current rock show and you will be forced to beat off the frankly startling affections of the wymmyn bloggers with some kind of laser repellent.

Anonymous said...
Well my dear Fits please consider that objectivity and reality can be likened to an oxy-moron.So why should a few dis-satisfied bored readers determine that 20 Q's is enough or only the first in get in!
Fuck that and them! Make up your own mind and have more back bone then Kim Beasley and prove to us/me right wing, gun slinging wankers that Lefty-Greeno-Hippy Cunts stand for something!
Besides this blog is terminally
"Clicky" with the same contributors who shit on my comments while offering nothing in return but shitty little remarks that only they can understand! Further they seem to be on very good terms with each other and self absorbed with each others in some kind weird incestuous blog reading habits! So for one minute please consider your brethren in THE WEST and other Not on East Standard Time! There is a world out side of Melbourne! Hard to believe and it might even be crap but hey, we have to live there, so please continue and do your best to include us all and answer as many as you can or care too. But for fucks sake will you just answer mine for once. I have been desperately trying to impress you for years! with the hope that when I rise from poverty and obscurity and visit The Old Vic you will shaggy me senseless in a tantric frenzy! plus you should know I am a great kisser, give good head and will tell you the most amusing lies presented as amusing biographical facts! I rest my case and weary fantasy on your beautiful and ample enough boosies. Love and Stalkable kisses Frankly Speaking. PS I'm on my second Shiraz and never could spell in the first place and Grammer well don't get me started, I never got that.So don't hold my failed schooling against me, I went to Mazenod all boys school were I spent most of my time trying not to get beaten up ,raped or strapped!

Thank you, Frankly Speaking. And may I again pass on my gratitude for the inclusion of this sexually provocative and borderline abusive diatribe in my email inbox. You are welcome here.

nat said...
Dearest La Fist,

Thanks ever so much for the info re St Kilda a few weeks ago. I had a wonderful time and only wished I had more time to wander around and savour the joy of relaxed cafe licensing (alcoholwise) that Melbourne has to offer, not to mention the friendly advances of local boys on a long night out.

I also showed my friend of the "I Love LMS" rant your response to his question, ie. 'Is he single' and you made his week. He texted me this Thurs arvo saying he was watching LMS, and so was I and we both agreed that it shits all over the bland dialogue of Tripping Over, for what it's worth (fuck all I suspect).

Please don't limit the questions to 20, despite the paranoia of some, reading and enjoying the voyeurism of Friday q and a is open to everyone, east and west (get over it anonymous 11.08pm), and I FOR ONE NEVER SKIM.

My question is bipronged. What is this porn you enjoy internetwise while you should be working, and is it free and available to everyone?

Also, why has Jessculture become so apathetic about blogging since moving south and can you fix her?

thx
nat xx

Yes, but you haven't answered my question. IS HE SINGLE.


p.s. Bless you and your studious reading skills.


Prong A: Most of the interweb porn I enjoy when I am trying to distract myself from doing anything particularly worthwhile can be found at Ask Jolene.com and it is most certainly free. It's one of those search engines where they seek out the 20 second clips that can get you off if you watch four hundred of them in a row and thusly lose the ability to tie your shoelace without masturbating wildly.


Prong B: I blame the crack-cocaine, personally. I am on a one-woman campaign to leave sporadic nagging reminders in her email inbox, but Jessculture is her own woman and will get around to making the funnies in her own time. In the interim I plan to beat her next time I see her. Rest assured, I smack bitches up quite ferociously for a wee slip of a lass.

Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits,

A couple of questions:

- Should we push for Julia Gillard to kick Kev aside before next year's election or should we give him a shot? He's awfully catholic, and maybe part of my bias is that a shaggable redhead PM would be great. Although he is fluent in mandarin, so perhaps he's got a brain behind all the bitterness. (He is just so awfully bitter; Costello will be able to chew him up next year.) Also, I am writing this on Sunday, before the front bench spill, so ignore me if Beazley wins. I will have killed myself if he does, anyway.

- I am thinking of joining a left-wing think tank (The Fabians) as I think I could do with some edification in some key areas of polity. Waste of time, or too cool a name to pass up on.

- Lazar's steakhouse. Yay or Boo-urns?

Thank you very much for your time,
you are very intelligent, witty and pretty and its wonderful for you to spend your time with strangers.

-Wolfie

Oh Wolfie, you sweet-talker you. ARE YOU SINGLE.



Ahem.


1. Now that Kev's in his nice new big boy's chair and getting settled, I think we should give him a red-hot crack. It's far too soon for Julia (as this fucking bullshit malarkey about her hairstyle would attest - jesus christ) and I honestly think the 'slow and steady dorky catch the monkey' routine of K-Rudd's may start paying off.


I will die an optimist, clearly.


2. Left-wing think tank or skinny-leg denimed curlyboy guitar heroes? YOU MUST JOIN AT ONCE. I wouldn't really know the difference between an official 'think tank' or simply a group of friendlies sitting around a pitcher of gin and tonic getting cross about Jennie George, but you go right ahead and report back to us.



3. I'd vote yay, simply because its days are numbered and soon no-one will be able to step through those chocolate brown retro torture chamber doors for a red-blooded meat experience.


p.s. Try the crepes.

MelbourneGirl said...
don't limit the questions, fits. people who don't want to read and/or skim can do what they want, don't you think?

that's not really a question; it's a vote.

ps do you think crean will ever make a comeback?

do you think beazley will go? if so, will he quit politics, or lurk somewhere on the backbench to try and make a comeback. he's thinking that howard did it, and he wants to be pm more than anything.

also, do you know anything about a supposed health iss-ew he has, to which some are attributing the karl rove/rove mcmanus mix-up?

what did you think about the dreadful photo of gillard and rudd on the front page of saturday's age? they both looked awful, and knowing that pics are carefully selected, i wondered what the editor was thinking right there, right then.

x

LOOK AT ALL THEM POLITICAL QUESTIONS!


1. No, I don't think so. At least I hope not. His day in the sun is over, wouldn't you say?


2. I think given the week Beazles Cheezles has had, he might want to reconsider before planning the next comeback.


I like the evocative use of the word 'lurk' there, by the way. Poor old lumbering giant that he is.


3. From March 2004:

'Former federal opposition leader Kim Beazley has taken several weeks off because of an ailment called Schaltenbrand's syndrome.

The condition is not life-threatening, and he is expected to make a full recovery after rest. The syndrome, a cerebro-spinal fluid leak from around the brain, had resulted in Mr Beazley feeling unwell for several weeks. He underwent a series of medical tests, including an MRI scan that indicated the fluid leak, which lowers pressure around the brain, resulting in headaches.'


Whether he made the Rove gaffe due to fluid on the brain or whether he was just an overloaded politician with a bit more on his mind than a sad comedian's wife I couldn't say. Also with regard to that: don't you think Rove himself would be absolutely mortified by the constant connective references to the day of his beloved's funeral and the downfall of the ALP leadership? Horrifying business.


4. I can't remember, I was too excited to notice that they looked a bit grim. They're not really the most physically stunning pair of politicians I've ever seen in my life, but then John Howard and Peter Costello closely resemble a cluster of particularly aggressive rectal papillomavirus so I'm not complaining.

Anonymous said...
After the craziness that was Movember, do you think guys are better off being clean shaven if the ability to truely pull off facial hair is just not there?
I can understand the attraction of a full ZZ top style beard, as one therefore does not have to shave. But I am kind of patchy on the lefthand side, and the idea of letting only part of the face go a little wild doesn't make a lot of sense as it means shaving the rest of the face.

I can understand your concerns about lopsided facial hair, Anon. Who wants to be walking around with the kind of dangling moustache that makes the wearer appear as though they will topple over to the right at any given moment? However, I'm the last person to judge what people wish to do with their hair, facial or otherwise. If those wispy Movember gentlemen desire a curlicue handlebar then more power to them. I can just choose not to 'sponsor' them.


Or, indeed, have any sexual contact with them whatsoever.

Anonymous said...
It's funny seeing Matt Finish appear on Friday Q&A. I saw their poster on the way to 'Fill the G' and thought WTF Matt is dead! Anyway that debut alum is fantastic and Rick Grossman is a great bass player.

As for my question it got me thinking that Aussie live music is not what it used to be. I mean I know it's hard to compare the present day to the past, though I saw Dallas Crane support Midnight Oil in Sydney in 2005 at a secret club show and Dallas Crane were as hard and tight as ever, though Midnight Oil blew them away big time.

How can it be that a bunch of 50 somethings that had not performed or rehearsed in three years can wipe the floor with the best and most road tested of the current crop?

Has Australian music become as bland as Australian politics?

I wouldn't say so, Anon. It's all in where you look. Have you yet witnessed the blistering spectacularness of Legends of Motorsport playing to a room crammed with fist-punching kidlettes? Or the unbridled lusty genius of 6 Ft Hick bleeding copiously from stage? We may no longer have the jaw-gaping madness of the Sailors with us, but the electricity can still be sniffed out if you're hunting in the right venues.

Anonymous said...
can you have too much milo in your mug before you put the milk in?
how much is just enough?

Yes, Anon. If you are no longer able to stir the spoon, or if you upend your mug towards your mouth only to have a gelatinous rectangle slide out and smack you in the face, you are using too much milo. I'd say about four tablespoons is enough to give you a requisite sugar high.

blenny said...
Do you have any advice on how to find an extra person for a threesome? Do you agree/disagree that if you marry the right person, you wont ever be sexually atrracted to anyone else ( i disagreed in the strongest possible language). Lastly, i figure if one is going 'down where the wild things are' on a boy and he starts ..well, you know, wtf is the word for 'opposite of erect'?!? anyways, i was alarmed to say the least. Advice? hints? step by step instructions? website links? feel free to skim on past people.

1. Not really, it's kind of difficult - particularly if you're in a couple, which makes you automatically creepy and lecherous and to be avoided at all costs when the words 'we'll get this round' are uttered. If you know the right kind of swinging hotness ladies or gentlemen who won't mind accommodating an extra pair of hands for the night then more power to you and ps please pass on my details kthxbye. In the interim I suggest sifting through the unsexual hideousness at adultmatchmaker.com or one of those BUY ME FOR SEX websites, which will at least give you a shuddering self-conscious laugh or three.


2. Oh, I'm with you. It's not as though you marry and automatically switch off your leery perversion. The skill then is figuring out when to indulge in a little harmless 'hello boys' and when to simply sit at the bar swinging your legs and staring wholesomely into your kahlua and milk. We are all masters of our own moral compass, I find.


3. I do hope you didn't inform the gentleman involved that you were about to take a trip 'down where the wild things are'. One can only imagine what he thought you'd get up to when you had arrived with your packed lunch and rucksack. Perhaps he was too busy wondering what the new Spike Jonze and Angus Sampson 'joint' would look like when it hit cinemas.

If he's not a fan of head, there's little you can do but discuss and encourage - and RUB THAT THING LIKE A GENIE IS ABOUT TO APPEAR FROM IT AND GRANT YOU A WISH, KIDDO.

thalesian said...
Hey Ms. Fits,

Have you seen this new invention idea yet? (Before it's time it is...)


Do you think they've sorted out the pubic hair angle?

Love your work...

I hadn't seen it, no. For those who cannae be arsed link-clicking:

'GERMAN sex educators plan to launch a spray-on condom tailor-made for all sizes.

Jan Vinzenz Krause from the Institute for Condom Consultancy, a Singen-based practice that offers advice on condom use, said today the product aimed to help people enjoy better and safer sex lives.

"We're trying to develop the perfect condom for men that's suited to every size of penis," he said.

"We're very serious."

Mr Krause's team (spraykondom.de) is developing a type of spray can into which the man inserts his penis. At the push of a button it is then coated in a rubber condom.

"It works by spraying on latex from nozzles on all sides," he said.

"We call it the '360 degree procedure' - once round and from top to bottom. It's a bit like a car wash."'


I bet it is. That's a nice way of putting it, isn't it?


You're right about the pubic hair angle. This seems like the exact sort of thing that you'd find gumming up your short and curlies for months afterwards, resulting in awfully embarrassing moments being glued to your underwear as well as having to cut yourself free from sexual encounters with a pair of pinking shears. I wouldn't recommend it until it's had at least nine more years of being tested on donkeys or other equally well-endowed animals.

Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits,

Three questions for you:

1) Did you watch "who's the brainiest Idol"?

2) Were you at all surprised to find out that Lee Harding was The Stupidest Idol Of Them All? (I didn't stay long enough to learn who the smartest was)

3) Did you hear that Lee Harding has been in Iraq, "entertaining the troops"? Any thoughts?

your pal,
Ambrose

Hello my pal


1) No, I didn't. I was going to say sniffily 'I had better things to do with my time' but the truth is I was probably sitting on a beanbag watching the dog sleep and listening to Buffalo Springfield.


2) O rly? COLOUR ME THREE TYPES OF STUNNED. Who would have thought that the lyrical genius behind 'Wasabi' (She's just like wasabi/Looks like a barbie/She's just too hot for me/She's like a tsunami/Can wipe out an army/With a blink of an eye, she can part the red sea) might be a little on the dense side? As I live and breathe etc.


3) Why did you put 'entertaining the troops' in inverted commas? Are you implying some kind of sexual innuendo? Is Lee Harding out there giving copious amounts of hand-shandies to our fighting men and women? He must have awful RSI by now, the precious dear.


p.s. If by entertainment you mean 'singing' then I feel sorrier for those poor bastards than I already did.

kk said...
I actually have a question - so how d'you think Kevvie and Julia will go?

Cautiously optimistic at this stage, kk. They're a good team, and the ALP need an injection of newness. Kev might just have the balls to grit his teeth and hang in there. At the very least, it'll be an interesting ten months.

Anonymous said...
What is the easiest* way to tell my ex that I don't want to 'catch up' with him any more? Here are the salient facts:

1. He lives overseas
2. I see him about once a year when he comes to visit and calls me to 'catch up'
3. We broke up 5 years ago
4. He broke my heart and he still feels guilty about it (I know bc he tells me every time)
5. I have moved on**, except that whenever he calls I experience emotional flashbacks which are disconcerting
6. I have an extremely awesome boyfriend whom I wish to protect from my post-ex fallout

Any help is greatly appreciated. A script would be ideal.

*easiest for me, not him.
** or repressed beyond recovery, whatever.

Hm. I'm sure your heartbreaking fiend means well, but you're right - this regular contact is doing you and your new awesomeness no good whatsoever. Perhaps write an email and lean a little on your present relationship - murmurs of 'I'd really love to catch up, but I don't think it's the right thing to do now that I'm involved with someone else...it's just too difficult for him to deal with, hope you understand' etc. It's not forever, just for now. And if he keeps persisting, just don't respond. I'm sure there's plenty to keep him occupied in Uzbekistan or wherever he's lingering these days.

Can't get no... Satisfaction said...
Hey fits.

I am a terrible man. I am always wooing and winning the most wonderful women I meet. And I need them, and I love them, and I can't live without them. And then some starry eyed strumpet distracts me by letting me know she wants to give me a good reason to wash my bedclothes.

In a similar vein to one of your correspondants last week, I can't tell if it's self sabotage or instinct making me behave like this. I also would like to know whether people wait until just the moment one is again firmly ensconced in a semi-solid relationship before making their true intentions known.

Is it a defence mechanism against rejection, do you think? Or a case of something appearing more attractive when someone else has it? Or some other combination of behavioural anomalies I haven't yet decyphered?

I also wonder, if it's possible to break this habit, short of becoming a monk. At least they do a good line in wine and cheese, from what I've seen in cartoon strips.

Dear me. 'Some starry eyed strumpet distracts me by letting me know she wants to give me a good reason to wash my bedclothes'? You've got the language down at least, you sly-eyed lothario.


It's a little-known fact that women have an underground spy network informing them when any of their hetero male bretheren start to fall in love with someone else, resulting in a frenzied amount of target-honing activity towards said hereto male bretheren and many a low-cut bendy over top moment. Fuck knows why this is; possibly bitches are competitive as hell and don't like to share. Whatever the case you're going to have to pull your head in if you plan to remain in love with your 'wonderful women' as no-one much cares for a philanderer, even philanderers themselves. Try to turn off that part of your mind that is responding to the strumpets and focus instead on the positives of your relationship. Surely true love can prevail. SURELY.

Big Matt Stud said...
Ms Fits, I believe this question was asked on a different post, so I'll do the original poster a favour and copy it here. Did you have it all off or did you leave a strip ? What is the purpose of the strip anyway ? Is there a practical purpose or is it just like having a little VJ moustache ? Apparently Mary Quant was very proud of the fact that her husband shaved her minge hair into the shape of a heart, have you given any thought to doing anything similar ? A picture of Bob Ellis (the man or the dog) perhaps ?

Actually, I had it all off for the first time in four years and may I say it is most breezy and refreshing, particularly with ice and a sprig of mint. Having sported the strip for a few months (I have been told it is commonly referred to as a 'landing strip', presumably to guide the penile missiles home) I can only say that it's somewhat comforting to be keeping a wee morsel of yourself away from public view, not unlike Bono and his blue tinted 'I've never been to me' sunglasses. I showed Gabi my latest stylings and she seemed briefly appalled by the bald-faced nakedness of it all. Perhaps she just didn't like me pulling my knickers down when she was eating spaghetti, who can say.


I have considered 'shapes', yes (though the idea of someone painstakingly fashioning a Bob Ellis silhouette fills me with utter dread and a small amount of self-loathing) and would possibly go hell for leather if it weren't for the fact that it's impossible to get the curves exactly right and essentially you end up with a vagina resembling Mr. T on acid.

MelbourneGirl said...
i've realised my earlier questions are now COMPLETELY POINTLESS AND MAKE ME LOOK STUPID.

now i would like to know what will you be doing election night, and can i come too?

i'm serious.

There are no stupid questions, only stupid answers. And thus I take full responsibility for any ill-conceived ramblings any commenter may post on this here blog. I'VE ONLY MYSELF TO BLAME.


Anyhow. I'm really not certain what I'll be doing on election night, but you're welcome to join whatever it is. No doubt it will involve copious amounts of alcohol and the kind of shrieking hysteria rarely seen outside of teenage snuff films. BYO concubine.

Semi said...
Consider the ouevre (a dangerous word implying artisitic merit) of Peter Jackson.

First the white-anglo nerds' wet-dream of Lord of the Rings. Then King Kong: an analogy for the destruction wrought upon society when a white girl falls for a black man.

Finally he is re-making Dambusters; a movie most notable for having a black dog called Nigger (also gratuitously quoted in Pink Floyd's The Wall).

My question Fitsy: do you think old PJ may be a bit of a white supremacist?

At least he is not an Illonois Nazi. I hate Illinois Nazi's.

Oh, I wouldn't say so. He's quite a harmless little bearded chap, isn't he? Mind you, they said that about Jesus and look where that ended up.



p.s. Why Illinois Nazi's over the others? Are they particularly offensive?

I'm not Craig said...
Hm. Were you in Tumbleweed? Or perhaps Def FX?

No, and you can rule out Front End Loader too.

Has this now turned into a competition to see who will get bored and give up, or possibly just run out of bands, first? And is there a prize?

1. How about Girlfriend? Or the Ergo Derivative? Or Tlot Tlot?


2. Perhaps. Why, are you losing interest?


*affects death stare*



3. No, frankly.




Anyhow, a few other people want to join in our very fun game:

zzymurgy said...

The Bad Seeds? The Coral Snakes?

And

MelbourneGirl said...
to: i'm not craig

aloi head and the victor motors?

reverend frenzy?

the allniters?

no nonsense?

intoxica?

Intoxica! NICE CRACK, MG.


Over to you, INC.

zzymurgy said...
msfitsboobs.com

I'm not sure I understand, zzymurgy. When I type in msfitsboobs.com I am re-directed to RYWHM. Does this mean you own the commercial and cinema rights to the domain name 'msfitsboobs.com' and if so are you planning to use it for immoral purposes? I do hope so.

Anonymous said...
Why is it a desire to remain Switzerland in a friend's relationship breakup can leave me disliked by both sides? I can't do what I am doing if I start to get involved in everyone's relationships, fights and cliques.

Oh, you poor bugger. Your friends are being complete cockspanks if they expect you to choose teams and stand behind one of them making v-signs every time you go out for a quiet beer. You've every right to remain neutral and offer little else but an ear and a shoulder (nb. don't mix these up as things get very messy when your earholes are filled with tears) and I suggest you continue traipsing the moral highground until these two pull their heads out of their arses and appreciate you for the genuine pal you are. In the meantime, go eat a Cornetto. It will make you feel nice in a way that your friends never could.

SonOfUglyDaveGray said...
Any tips for someone with an idea for their own radio show with the ways and means to do it...minus the all-important connections and studio experience?

Obviously I'm going to suggest doing some hard yards in community radio as it's the way I got my leg up (and over, but that's another story for another time). Try doing the production course at Triple R or PBS and slogging your way through a couple of graveyards - and if all else fails, sleep your way to the middle like I did.

bec said...
so, do you remember Cartoon All Stars and the fight against drugs?


Did it help you avoid the slide into addiction?

Did it help ANYONE?

1. I don't remember that at ALL. Where do you find this stuff, bec?


2. No, sadly. I have been 'jonesing' for 'ice' since the age of eleven.


3. If anything, I'd say that particular cartoon propelled people down the slippery slope of addiction as BEING HIGH WOULD BE THE ONLY WAY TO WATCH IT.



p.s. Only joking, kids. Getting high is for Liberal voters and Pauly Shore.

Painfree said...
Hi MS Fits,
I was listening to Colin Hay's Beautiful World recently, and decided I should try some Lapsang Souchong tea, in order to demonstrate how cool and sophisticated I am.
Well it tasted like the embers of a boys scout's camp fire and my beloved accused me of trying to poison her.
What the hell am I supposed to do with this stuff?

Surely something that foul-tasting would be 'good for the garden', Painfree. If you can wee on a lemon tree to make shiny lemons, then no doubt you can pour Lapsang Souchong tea all over your parsley. That Colin Hay has got a lot to answer for, doesn't he?

I'm not Craig said...
To Melbourne Girl (and possibly also to zzymurgy, if this is what you were asking about, I'm not sure)

No. And not The Clouds.

OMFG HE'S PLAYING HARDBALL YOU GUYS TEAM MEETING.

skips said...
Dear 'Miss' Fits.

What are you going to do about these questions tomorrow?

Will you start now and finish early Friday morning so you can post then head off to Meredith?

Or will you roll around to Meredith later in the day, after you've finshed all the answering.

Or will we find you huddled under the shade of a gum in the supernatural amphitheatre crazily trying to tap into some superstrength wireless connection, frantic to finish off your answering before the tunes kick off?

You're onto me, skips - the bulk of these questions were actually answered on THURSDAY AFTERNOON AHAHAHAA YOU FELL FOR IT ALL OF YOU IT WORKED IT WORKED etc and by the time you read them I will be murdered on the road towards steamy liquored-up paradise. Oh god, it's really going to hurt. If you see me, hold me.

Anonymous said...
Hi Ms Fits, was that you walking up Lonsdale St yesterday (Wed) around 2/3pm? I was with the rabble of news crew losers congregated near the back exit of the Magistrates Court. You looked a little unimpressed having to walk past the bunch of burley cowboys that news crews can resemble. Although I was the only girl to the side with long black hair holding a fluffly mic and being unbiased and demure w/ fellow ABC crew member. If it was you, you looked V.stylish I must say.Hibiscus behind the ear and everything! Bye now. p.s. found my nurse uniform on Smith St thanx for that. Although it came in a vile pale lime colour so will have to be sorted. Helen Hellbound

That was me indeed. I didn't see you at all as I was doing the head-down-keep-walking thing you do when you leave a restaurant where you've just had lunch and there's a menacing-looking news crew waiting outside and your first thought is 'oh dear, the warrant for my arrest must have come through' and you wait for Maxine McKew to shove a microphone in your face and ask you if you're going to apologise to the busload of nuns any time soon.


Excellent news about the nurse's uniform. Are you ever going to tell us what you're using it for?

zzymurgy said...
MORE QUESTIONS PEOPLE.

Let's not give Fits the delusion that she can answer EVERY question in one day. Spiralling out of control is what us blog trawlers do best.

Dear Ms Fits

How are you? Not enough people ask that one. I hope you're not sick anymore.

How the hell do you read a book every month for TFTBC when you clearly spend all week responding to inane questions like this one?

What do you think of Jennifer Byrne? She clearly wishes she was a saucy young Myf Warhurst as well.

What do you think of Borat? Can we have that as a permanent question?

Should I forgive Kim Beazley? He's ever so huggable.

Do you think hidden messages in films like King Kong (thanks semi, I had no idea, this is what I get for graduating from media studies) are better or worse than the good old propaganda flicks from Mel Gibson, Oliver Stone or even Michael Moore?

Yellow, or purple?

Skim, or whole?

Are you concerned with the recent trend in the food industry of hiding vitamins and minerals in our bread and juice 'to make us healthier'?

Did you know McDonald's french fries are subtly beef flavoured?

And what about Schapelle Corby? Has she shacked up with Renae or what?

kthxbye

Curse you zzymurgy. You know I'm incapable of letting a question slip through the net.


Let's break these down shall we?

1.How are you?


Oh, I'm having a reasonably interesting time of it of late. I am in rude health, though. Thank you for asking.


2. How the hell do you read a book every month for TFTBC when you clearly spend all week responding to inane questions like this one?


It's two books, actually. And I have no idea. Usually it gets close to shooting time and I end up face-planted in whatever weighty tome they've shoved in my direction and completely unable to hold a normal conversation with anyone close to me.


3. What do you think of Jennifer Byrne? She clearly wishes she was a saucy young Myf Warhurst as well.


She is a saucy young Myf Warhurst, zzymurgy. At least in a hot mama kind of way. I am pretty much awed by J.Byrne; she has a seemingly endless supply of verve and is one of the smartest people I have ever met. If I am that much of a pocket dynamo when I grow up then plenty of boys will want to kiss me.


4. What do you think of Borat? Can we have that as a permanent question?


a. I have seen the film now and liked it very much. So as far as the Borat query stands - everything remains the same, people. No need for panic.


b. Yes.


5. Should I forgive Kim Beazley? He's ever so huggable.


Absolutely. The man needs a hug or two right now. And it wasn't his fault he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, ie: life.


6. Do you think hidden messages in films like King Kong (thanks semi, I had no idea, this is what I get for graduating from media studies) are better or worse than the good old propaganda flicks from Mel Gibson, Oliver Stone or even Michael Moore?


I had no idea either! This is what I get for not graduating from media studies. Anyhow, our friend richard watts has a theory on semi's theory:

richardwatts said...
SEMI SAID:

Consider the ouevre (a dangerous word implying artisitic merit) of Peter Jackson.

First the white-anglo nerds' wet-dream of Lord of the Rings. Then King Kong: an analogy for the destruction wrought upon society when a white girl falls for a black man...[snip]

My question Fitsy: do you think old PJ may be a bit of a white supremacist?

'First The Lord of the Rings'?

If you're going to analyse Jackson's ouevre, Semi, please take his full body of work into account.

You forgot films like Bad Taste, Braindead, Meet the Feebles, Heavenly Creatures and The Frighteners for starters...

If you're going to accuse a director of racism, even flippantly or in jest (which I hope you were) then please, do your homework first!

So there you go. King Kong/hidden messages? OVER TO THE PUBLIC.


7. Yellow, or purple?


Yellow. That's right, I'm not afraid of colour.


8. Skim, or whole?


Depends on what you're drinking and when. Both. Neither. Whole, if you're holding a gun to my head like some kind of crazed dairy industry salesman.


9. Are you concerned with the recent trend in the food industry of hiding vitamins and minerals in our bread and juice 'to make us healthier'?


Not at all. I am all for it. Secrete your folate*, upper echelons of the food industry!






*this sounds unbelievably crass at second glance, and for that I apologise.

10. Did you know McDonald's french fries are subtly beef flavoured?


Really? No I didn't. They taste pretty good in sweet and sour sauce before you start wanting to vomit up your entire spleen.


11. And what about Schapelle Corby? Has she shacked up with Renae or what?


I wouldn't say so. Didn't Schapelle make a point of saying how much she didn't like dirty muff-diving lezebeans trying to touch her on the hoo-hoo? From memory she had very little pleasant to say about Our Renae also. Not a fan of sapphic love, apparently.

Hannah said...
Dear Ms Fits

My oh so lovely boyfriend who I'm crazy in love with has recently revealed to me he has a pregnant belly fetish.
Now I'm all open minded when it comes to a persons sexual orientations, just so long as he doesn't go getting me pregnant, which he has insisted he doesn't want (I may be on the pill just to make sure).
Instead I shove pillows up my top to create the illusion of being pregnant. This does absolutely nothing for me but gets him so massively crazily aroused that he gets a wild look in his eyes and begins to drool. We then go on to having the best sex ever in the history of man.

My questions are:

How often should I indulge his fetish? - I am a little worried it will become the only way we will ever have sex as it is so good. This ruins spontaneity a tad as we always have to make sure we have the right sized pillow with us

And what is the furthest you've gone to please a guy with regards to a fetish?

Any other bloggers out there willing to share strange fetish stories? I've never encountered a strong fetish before and never knew just how aroused it can make someone.

Good LORD. You stick a pillow up your top to pretend you're pregnant and he gets excited? Not that I'm in any way judging your personal kink, it's just...well, golly. That's fascinating. I don't know; my Gabi is right this very second walking around the house in the buff and her pregnant belly is a sight to behold. I can understand why your boy gets a hard-on for roundies, they are in the fullness of bloom and gorgeous as fuck. However if it gets to the stage where you're unable to make sexing without a maternity bra I'd try to steer the bedroom antics in another direction. Gently. There can be too much of a good thing, you know.


re: the furthest I've gone to please a man with regards to a fetish, I don't know. I haven't really gone out with anyone crazy-eight kinky, though I was once tied up and left in a laundry for the better part of an afternoon which must count for something.




*********************




And we're through for now. I'm off to Ray's Tent City to purchase inappropriate camping accoutrements and a battery operated fan. You can leave your questions for next Friday - AS MANY AS YOU WANT, IT'S OPEN SEASON HERE FOLKS - in the comments below. Enjoy the hours apart and let's make next time we meet a special one.





Oh. And take care, you.


Yes you.



337 days til the next election.

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