Reasons you will hate me

Friday q and a #48.

Last night I took Kurt Vonnegut out to dinner at Otsumami and feasted wildly, as I am a committed and thorough hedonist. During the evening the manager opened up the double doors at the front so we could all look out mistily at the teeming rain, and if you listened hard enough you could hear strains of the gypsy band across the road at Wesley Anne. I was ten pages from finishing Slaughterhouse 5 and utterly, blissfully happy.


Poetry, my friends.





Just wanted to share that with you. I am clearly a woman of simple tastes. So it goes. Now on to this week's questions:

groverjones said...
I'm Not Craig:

Chocolate Starfish?

(God, I hope you weren't!)

Blue Ruin?

I'm so glad we're starting today's questions with the game that's sweeping the nation(TM), 'Guess Which Obscure Early 90's Band I'mNotCraig Was In'.


My turn. Was it Compared to What?

thalesian said...
"Illinois Nazis, I hate Illinois Nazis"

One of the best lines from the Blues Brothers... (Not my question)

My question is... Did you ever get to the Westgarth theatre to watch the Blues Brothers, and what do you think of the place now it's a Palace?

Begging your pardons, RYWHM fans of Blues Brothers. I am humbly apologetic.


I can't recall ever ducking down to the Westgarth for a session of 'HAY FILM DORKS EVERYONE GET UP AND SHAKE YOUR TAIL FEATHER WHEN I BLOW MY WHISTLE' but I do remember once smoking pot before a screening of William Burroughs' Naked Lunch there which was in retrospect about the biggest mistake one could make outside of wearing a No Fat Chicks t-shirt to Lilith Fair.

With regard to the Westgarth 'makeover', I went to see controversial teenage rapey film 2:37 (there's a cheery date movie if ever I saw one) just after the refurbishment was completed and while the joint reeked of painting and construction men, it wasn't an all-over character-sucking drainfest like I suspected it might be. The mothball makeout couches have sadly been turfed, but the art deco edgings have remained and all things considered it could have been a lot worse. It's my local, I'll visit.

ruby said...
"...and may I say it is most breezy and refreshing, particularly with ice and a sprig of mint."

so you'd have mojito conijito?

Actually, I prefer a julep quim. But yes, I see your point.

Anonymous said...
I started reading your blog a while ago after I became aware of it simply because you bagged me out so mercilessly.

Time has passed.

If we met face to face would you be mean to me?

Oh I wouldn't say so, Anon. I am quite the pussycat when you meet me in person. Also I have tried to tone down the one-on-one personal baggings* as I feel they get me nowhere in the long run and my conscience tends to tug on me whilst I am showering, whispering hotly in my earhole that I will one day go to hell and be mercilessly manhandled by channel 10 weatherman Tim Bailey.


That said, if you're a complete twat don't expect a warm hug and a plate of Monte Carlos. I do have my standards.






*Right-wing politicians excepted.

thr said...
If we met face to face would you be mean to me? Thomasr says:
I'll take this: Only if you are an arseclown again Miranda.

But other than that I believe Ms Fits will try and "make the digital whacking" or sumsuch. Enjoy.

You know, I have shamelessly badgered folk on this blog other than our friend Miranda Double-Barrelled Surname. I met Matt Mavis recently and felt quite horrible about all the stick I'd given him in the past as he seemed quite lovely and undeserving of such trash-talk. Though I suppose everyone can make the adult decision not to read all-out slatings if they wish.

zzymurgy said...
Thanks so much Fits. My Fridays are incomplete without you, I'm totally hooked.

I'm trying to think of something I could do with msfitsboobs.com but to be honest they were giving out domain names for free and it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Suggestions are welcome.

PS. I'm pretty sure Turnbull was staring at your legs for most of the show. So busted.

PPS. what do you think of Borat?

1. Seems like a good idea, is a good idea. Unless of course you're thinking about staplegunning a rasher of bacon to your head and taking a stroll through Siegfried and Roy's live stage show.


2. From memory he was too busy releasing gases to waste time staring at my gams, zzymurgy. But thank you for making me feel grubby.


3. I rather like Borat, as it happens.

blenny said...
Perhaps we need to set up something like the Babysitters Club? We could call it "Extras" and it would essentially be something of a database of playmates in each state. With a proper code of ethics etc obvs. Maybe i've had too much sun today, but it could be filling a long neglected gap in the market? Thanks for the advice. I know i sound like i'm grappling about with the instructions upside down and waving an allen key about in confusion while my boy sits patiently waiting, i could figure these things out myself but i do so enjoy hearing your opinion. BTW i definitely did not raise a saucy eyebrow and inform him i was going to go 'down where the wild things are' while applying insect repellant and checking i'd packed clean underwear and spare torch batteries, I just cleaned up the phrasing for the purposes of Friday Q&A.Misguided, i know.

Okay, so firstly I'm not sure how well our elusive 'playmates' (<---this is so pleasingly Hef, may I say) would cope with being rounded up and shelved in stable-type accommodation until we were ready to invite them to our threeways. If they came here on a boat, I'd obviously have no issue with it as they'd deserve everything they got. Note to self: merging of ideas = detainee sex slaves (seek imm. copyright).


How is your quest for group sex going, anyways?


p.s. One must never be coy in their language here on RYWHM, blenny. We are each of us airing the saucy underthings of the internet.

sublime-ation said...
can I come to Election Night too?

and where is this twice monthly secret bloggers party?

Apparently non-bloggers think blogs are sad unless you meet the other bloggers IRL. Can you believe them?

1. Yes, of course. BYO sedatives just in case.


2. The first rule of the Twice Monthly Secret Bloggers Party, etc.


Actually, I don't know. I am living this weird blurred existence where a lot of my real-life friendlies are actually bloggers and when we get together is it actually an official blogger party or am I just shooting the shit with my 'people'? SOMEONE ASK KOCHIE AND GET BACK TO ME QUICK.


3. I thought non-bloggers thought blogs were pretty much sad, full stop. I didn't realise there were a few folk out there with kindly dispositions who let us off the hook by saying things like: 'Well, I guess if you've met them in person it's not such a ghey, self-absorbed cliquey hobbyist losernet thing.' God bless those people and all who sail in them.


Also - if you wish to win back their respect you absolutely MUST stop using terms like IRL irl. DO YOU READ ME.

Anonymous said...
To be frank, Ms. Fits,
the only time I don't hang on your every word is Friday.

I read your intro, then; bye, bye

If I wanted to be engaged by these dullards ..... they would have already been found.

That's okay Anon, I know a lot of people who bypass q and a. Hopefully there's a little something for everyone to loathe here on RYWHM. Dullards and non-dullards alike.

Mex said...
dearest ms fits,

i have recently started making the hot sex with a rather strapping young lad who hails originally from melbourne. as i have only ever visited that fair city once or twice I am in no way able to form an opion based on anything more than 'good lookingness' about said lad. If you would be so kind, would you please offer me some enlightenment on the following points:

Wesley (the school)
Richmond (the suburb)
Camberwell (the suburb)
Carlton (the football club)

thanx.

p.s. i have already been assured that he is not a liberal voter. thank fuck.

Oh, congratulations to you and your orifice(s). I hope they are being duly stuffed in the festive fashion of a Christmas turkey. And may I add that I am very much enjoying this new intriguing aspect of RYWHM - Research My Potential New Love Interest Just In Case They Turn Out To Be A Wanker (2006).


Anyway, I'll give you a brief rundown:

Wesley (the school) - frankly repulsive purple and gold uniforms allegedly designed by Alannah Hill on a crack binge. Good drama facilities, if you can count allowing fifteen year old children to perform Godspell as 'good'. Private, but not as offensively private as somewhere like Scotch College where they beat you with a cricket bat if you say you're not all that into wearing high-waisted trousers and marching in circles around the quad for hours at a stretch.


Richmond (the suburb) - home of Molly Meldrum, the MCG and a massive amount of kebab shops. Also the first share house I ever lived in at age 16 is on Hoddle street, so go past and take a look at any time except peak hour. The postcode of Richmond is 3121, which led some wag on Channel 31 to start a television series called Richmond Three One Two One-oh! and everyone had a nice laugh for a few minutes.


Camberwell (the suburb) - Local parliamentarians include Peter Costello, Ted Baillieu and Petro 'Whose Side Is It Anyway' Georgiou, which should tell you something. Toffy-nose green grass families with pools and privately homosexual fathers populate this particular suburb. My parents still live near there, which as you can imagine makes life terribly difficult for me when it comes time for the 'Lefter than Thou' competition at the annual Communist's Ball.


Carlton (the football club) - Used to be rich cunts, now poor cunts. Once had a player known as 'the Flying Doormat' because he had long hair and wore a terry-towelling headband. Steven Silvagni played there and married a model from Sale of the Century with a mouth so big when she smiled the top of her head would fall off and her children had to gather around to sellotape it back on. John Elliott used to sit in the stands smoking cigars and yelling PIGS ARSE until he was told to stop.



Does any of this help you? Will you continue rogering?


p.s. Another Wesley opinion:

Anonymous said...
Re: The Wesley Question.

I always thought the song went a little something like this:

"If you can't get a girl get a Wesley boy".

Although, I was always jealous of their purple bathers.

What does that mean? That Wesley boys are a little feminine? Is it the purple thing? Mystifying.

Anonymous said...
I'm not Craig:

The Earthmen?
The Plums?
The Falling Joys?
Catherine Wheel?
The Dutiful Daughters?
The Honeys?

What was the question again?

I don't even remember anymore. Nice work with the Plums there, old bean.

thr said...
Would you like to to come and see me get hitched in feb? It's a sad day for womanhood (oh the lolz), so if you feel you must cry, fuggedaboudit.

Thomasr

Oh, I'd love to.


Wait, is this another ploy to get me to ride your motorbike? Will you be riding your motorbike to the ceremony? Are you secretly marrying your motorbike? It's probably legal in Canada, you know.

fluffy said...
Oooh I'm not Craig was it:

The Dead Salesmen?
Fimo?
Cuddlefish?
Nursery Crimes?
The Fuck Fucks?
The Fat Thing?

Kudos to you with The Fat Thing, Fluffbox.


INC YOU ARE GETTING POUNDED HERE.

Anonymous said...
top of the mornin fits, straight to the point.
i) have you seen the movie donnie darko? what are your thoughts on it..
ii) what are your top 5 (or 6) music kids? bands etc
iii) i'm 20, have a big hairy crush on a boy (man) who's 31. too big of a gap?
cheers big ears

hello.

i) Yes, and liked it very much. The soundtrack has particular resonance if you listen to it in the dark with no clothes on (NB Best to make sure housemate is not on her way home from family Christmas dinner with armloads of presents and soon-to-be traumatised expression)


ii) I'm a little bit confused by this question. I take it by 'music kids? bands etc' you mean simply 'bands' and not young children who happen to be picking up a tambourine or two and making a go of it like the Tin Lids or the baby Ramones. It's hard to make a definitive top 5 list without more specific instructions (top 5 local? Top 5 desirable? Top 5 of all time?), but today my top 5 bands are (in no particular order):

1. Dynamo

2. 6 Ft Hick

3. Eagles of Death Metal

4. Bob Log III

5. The Drones.


iii) What exactly defines a 'hairy' crush? Can one also have a groomed or manicured crush? Anyhow, I wouldn't say your age gap is too worrying. It's up to you when you start getting bored of everyone sitting around talking about pasta salad recipies and not giving a shit about My Chemical Romance. I fancy a few older men myself. Not your one obviously; he's my peer.

elaine said...
I do hope you have had an appropriately debauched/enjoyable/filled with the goodness of good music/other entertainment weekend that was meredith?

what were the highlights of the festival?

did you participate in the gift?

you have one of the most generous/expansive hearts that i've ever come across. how do you keep it from drying up into cynicism? whilst incredibly and genuinely up beat and cheery about friends/loved ones and their prospects, when it comes to myself it's something that I struggle with and could do with a few tips from an expert. thanks.

Hello Pirate Girl

1. Not such a debauched Meredith for me, but definitely enjoyable and filled with good music and iceblocks in kerchiefs. I was slightly on the tamer side this year, particularly considering that at the 2005 festival I stayed up all night with Jessculture handing out free vodka shots to strangers because we firmly believed that we were woodnymphs sent from the planet Friendly.

Boy, that one hurt on the Monday.


2.Highlights of my Meredith:

a) Kid Koala mixing in Rage Against the Machine and making me and Dave The Scotsman suddenly stand and start jumping up and down like moronic teenagers


b) Watching The Soundtrack of Our Lives from the side of stage


c) Having mobile reception for the first time ever


d) Gin and tonics under the parasol


e) Making lascivious eyes at the ever-lovely Dan Kelly.


3. Sadly I was gone by the time the Gift rolled around...I really did my best to stand the heat and dust, but after one final fling wrapped up in garbage bags all I wanted to do was drive to Geelong and jump in the ocean. So I did.


4. That's a particularly lovely thing to say, thank you - though I don't really know how to answer your question. I certainly come equipped with my fair share of cynicism (no extra charge), but it's hard to stay down for too long when you're surrounded by good food and good people and an occasional bottle of the brilliantly named Cockfighter's Ghost Unwooded Chardonnay. I'm also not particularly ambitious, so even making a living as a writer and being able to occasionally sneak men into hotels for lavish dirty weekends is a bonus.


Also: always give yourself something to look forward to. No matter how small or seemingly insignificant.

Semi said...

Should I quit my job as a public servant as my stomach churns every morning when I awake and think of having to go into work and suck up to those aforementioned Liberal Party fucks?

I have wit, I have talent, youth and good looks. I could get by. They have no souls, (probably) no sex and, unlike me, hate Gough with all their miserable lives. What the hell am I doing to myself staying in this position?

YES YES QUIT RUN FOR YOUR LIFE WHILE YOU'RE STILL HANDSOME ENOUGH TO GET LAID AT 2PM ON A THURSDAY.



Why bother wasting your time in a stomach-churning job, Semi? Go be free; run naked through the backstreets of Brunswick clutching a brandy bottle or whatever it is psychotic people do these days. You are growing yourself a big cancer by remaining in such a hideous working environment.


Life's too short, it really is.

The Slapper Princess said...
Dearest Ms Fits (I feel like I may call you Dearest now as you've read my blog and it feels a little like you've touched my 'special place' but please correct me if I'm 'waaaaay outta line there'),

My cybernetically-sexy-threesome of questions is as follows (yes, I am a greedy slapper):

1) As of rightnowthisveryminute, Andrew Bolt's blog is ranked an equal 6th out of the 10 nominations for Best Australian and New Zealand Blog in the 2006 Weblog Awards (the leader of the pack being a Mr de Brito from The Age on 570 votes and Bolty on a pizzly 41). Will you be offering your shapely shoulder for The Mandrew (more Man than Andrew) to tearfully leave snot trails on? I am currently working on a campaign to hunt him down and lay a coupla gangsta slaps on the bitch personally, if that's more 'up your alley' (OO-ER VICAR) you're more than welcome to join me.

2) Is it indicative of a mental-impairment or one of the repercussions of living alone that I have found myself shouting at the television and it's contents (mainly ads and in particular the ad that has a lady saying the word THRUSH loudly and well-enunciated-ly and also that ad that has cartoon breasts, bottoms and thighs (frighteningly, with eyes) 'singing' about chafing rashes, although I did shout at Today on Wednesday morning)?

3) What are you most favourite-ist words? Today my favourite word is 'jaunty'.

Oh.. and Mex (hi) re Wesley: Not that I'm a former Wesley-girl or would ever lie about not being a former Wesley-girl, I would love to know Ms Fits answer to this particular one too... Very, um, interesting, students at yon *sings* W-E-S-L-E-Y WESLEY NOW AND ALWAAAAAAAYS.

Hello Dearest Slapper (yes, after rubbing cyber-yonni's I think we can bypass formalities) -


1) If Rusty wishes to rest his oversized head on my shoulder for 'WHY GOD WHY'-type sobbing, then I'm more than happy to provide comfort. He has a heart somewhere in there; does he not bleed*? Does he not wish for dork-approved recognition like all of us here playing on the world wildean webber? Give him his dues, people: the man shares so much of his precious, precious soul.




*please note: If you are planning some kind of ferocious stabbing attack THIS IS A RHETORICAL QUESTION PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON AND HOLD HANDS FOR PEACE IMMEDIATELY.


2) Aren't those commercials appalling? I'm not sure I'm qualified to pass comment on your mental faculties as I'm known as a televisual shouter from way back. My mother is one also which raises the interesting question of a Televisual Shouting DNA gene-type science thing.



3) I love the words 'pulchritude', 'banjaxed', and 'haberdashery'. I also in private moments very much enjoy 'polyp'.

Djecker said...
As a TV writer, what writers' work do you enjoy? I'm a particular fan of the great man Aaron Sorkin (although Studio 60 is starting to disappoint), and Joss Whedon never disappointed in my all-too-recent teenage years...

Hm. Obviously I'm a big fan of Stephen Merchant, and Seth 'Family Guy' Macfarlane is a fucking genius too. This is a tough one because I really don't watch too much television. Steve Coogan is brilliant. Hey look, I only like writers whose names begin with the letter S.

Ampersand Duck said...
I just zipped over to the Polichicks website to see if there's any pithy merchandise to celebrate this Brave New World of federal Labor politics, only to discover that nothing has been updated since 2004! Are there any plans for some updated stuff, or has the Polichick line been abandoned?

Yeah, we haven't done anything with Polichicks for a thousand years - SJ has been busy teaching, Jane has been busy having a baby and I have been busy writing idiotic pop culture bullshit on my blog. The business really requires someone to take care of it full-time and none of us have the hours available. Anyone can feel free to get it kickstarted again if they're keen, though I warn you it takes a lot of running around and staring dumbly at eight fabrics which all look the same but apparently have significant differences.

Anonymous said...
hello fitness - what's crackalakin?
i was just pondering about your thoughts on "getting back with the ex." do you think it's a dead end? i know it depends on circumstances, but generally do you reckon you would just break up for the same reasons? i'm sort of in this not friends/not lovers place with my ex, and he wants to rekindle & i am unsure. it can somewhat be related to a shitstorm in a teacup (an old vintage cup ie flame at that)
thanks for your time kind sir.

What's 'crackalakin'? Gracious.


I don't know about retreading in old foosteps Anon, but if it's really proving that difficult to move on you have to start questioning why. Has the relationship somehow got a hook into you? Are you unable to cut off completely because you're frightened of losing that person from your life forever? How would you feel if you made the break and never got to fuck them again? Whatever your 'shitstorm in a vintage tea cup' is, you sound as though you're prepared to move on and leave those particular issues behind you which is good - if you're going to go back with the ex, you need to be completely certain you've made peace with all the old hurts and wounds so you don't wake up in the middle of the night smacking them over the head with a hot water bottle and shouting THIS IS FOR FLIRTING WITH THAT NINETEEN YEAR OLD HUSSY IN MARCH 1986 or something of that ilk.


If you really think your ex has sorted their shit and you've sorted yours, why the hell not. You only live once.

bec said...
My question was triggered by someone else, i must admit. It's still a good one. 'Good' meaning very relevant to my lonely childhood years where i spent most of my time in the company of Trixie Belden, George the gender confused mystery solver and friends, and up in the Faraway Tree.

Here are my questions:

Did you read the Babysitter Club series?

If so, who was your favourite?

OH and speaking of clubs, my gf and i have developed a saturday morning ritual that involves reading the Weekend Australian and watching The Sleepover Club.

Sound like fun?

1. Yes.


2. God, I can't really remember. Maryann got to score with the delectable Logan Bruno, but from memory Claudia was the one with the weird clothes and the sugar addiction. I'm going with Claudia.


3. What a fascinating pair of intellectual pursuits you've got going there, bec. Do you do them in any particular order? Numb the brain with politics and then ease your way into the weekend with young ladies hitting each other over the head with pillows? Intriguing.

Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits.

Consider these points:

- I'm a freelance comedy writer for a television show (I am too horrendously embarrassed to mention the name)
- My best friend's name is Gabrielle (or Gabi, Gabs, Scrappy, if you will)
- Am a Proud as Fuck LABOUR supporter!
- I work for a radio station in Sydney in spare time
- I have met Bob Ellis (the man) several times*

Now consider this: Are we living some bizarre parallel universe? If we meet, might we explode?

* Just wanted to share a classic Bobism with you.
random: ahh Bob...how does it feel to have your work critiqued?
Bob: Like receiving a blowjob while having a root canal.

I actually 'squeaked' at this point.

Good lord. What a strange set of coincidences, Anon. Perhaps we are indeed living in parallel universes. Tell me, are you dating a member of the Strokes at present?


*crosses fingers*




p.s. re: Bob. The man is a true wordsmith, is he not?

Cloudy said...
"Like receiving a blowjob while having a root canal."

From the same person presumably. Hot.


This is about a month late but I'm prompted by someone asking last week if Jennifer Byrne didn't like you, by Bevis's analysis of the same issue a while back, and because it amuses me immensely, knowing about your politics as I do. I still have the November FTBC on tape*, had another look at the introduction at the start and I'm pretty sure Bevis got it wrong.

Okay: You're sitting peacefully next to Malcolm Turnbull, unctious blue-ribbon twat and gazillionaire merchant banker, trying not to get any on you. Jen chats with others. At the end of Old Turny's farp over Lord of the Rings there's a group shot from behind as he declares himself "a man of the people." Your head snaps to the right and you open your mouth to speak but refrain from saying anything. Jennifer quickly moves on to introducing you with a quick "And welcome back to Ms Fits, who comes to us with no agenda, no something, something, onto the first book." Far from snubbing you it struck me that she was actually warning you not to say anything/throat-punch him/crush his pea-like testicles.

Am I right? Or even close?

Re the episode this Sunday: How was Germaine Greer when she wasn't being FUCKING TERRIFYING?


*It clashed with a radio show I inexplicably enjoy listening to and I still haven't watched the Transit of Venus discussion having been frightened off by "spoilers ahead" type warnings. Coz I still haven't read it yet.

I really don't see why people are so fixated on this idea of Jennifer Byrne wanting to snap me like a twig. No-one warned me against taking verbal action against Malcolm Turnbull; no-one told me to pull my head in. I was no doubt free to tell him he was a sanctimonious prig should the urge have taken me, but I refrained as I respect the people I work with there and besides which the show is not about politics, it is about literature.


I'm yet to see a whole episode as it clashes with a radio show I inexplicably enjoy partaking in. All I can do is continue reassuring you that as far as I am aware I remain on J. Byrne's Christmas Card list.

Also: Germaine Greer is a fucking magnificent specimen. I could have listened to her all day. She defines punk.

Magical_M said...
My question is one of pure vanity...

Due to a hideous eye condition, I've just been told I'm not allowed to wear my contact lenses for at least a month, which means relying on my glasses to actually see the world.

I have several silly-season parties to go to and my glasses don't match any of my party frocks, let alone the carefully chosen shoes or accessories.

Should I:

(a) risk fashion disaster, wear my glasses and look like a geek; or

(b) go blind, look good but risk all manner of accidents caused by not being able to see?

Your input would be greatly appreciated.

Dear me. A 'hideous eye condition' sounds very serious. Is it glaucoma? You can smoke pot for that you know; Granny Helen did it on Neighbours.



Anyhow. Seeing as how I find people with glasses eight kinds of adorable I would recommend wearing them and to hell with those fashionista snobs who gasp at your non-matching accessories. However if you really want to go sightless and spend the evening groping desperately at furniture before going home with someone who resembles Bronwyn Bishop's arse* doing sit-ups then by all means go ahead. Remember: A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. That's Nietzsche, but you can have it.



*THIS IS A DEFINITE POSSIBILITY YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Ruth said...
I am interested in your opinion of this year's Merry-death. How would you compare it to previous years? Best bands? Worst bands? How did you cope with the heat? Do you feel the "no dickheads" rule was enforced heavily enough? Why do people think I want to hear their little djembe and slide guitar jam sessions back at the campsite? How many drunken group renditions of "Heart of Gold" should I have to endure before I can legitimately go and piss on their tent?

I'm sorry I missed you, Ruth. Were you tending bar?


1. Like I said previously it's nice to just remember a Meredith for once...it was bad enough waking up in a baking van-oven at 7am Sunday with the mildest of hangovers as opposed to the mother of all whirlies. I probably would have preferred more rock and roll on the line-up (remember the year of Beasts of Bourbon and Radio Birdman played? Good times) but it was nice to learn about some new young people's music and sit lazily on a rug making Glenny G fetch me baked potatoes. Fucking hot too, wasn't it?


2. Best bands - Sand Pebbles, New Pornographers, TSOOL, Kid Koala, The Drones, Dallas Crane, Augie March. I'm an old-fashioned type I think.


Worst bands - oh boy, I didn't much like any of that new age dub shit on Sunday morning. Sitting there in the dusty heat watching Xavier Rudd-type rastaman stuff made me want to stab someone with a shashlik.


3. I didn't really cope with the heat so much as tolerate it. I'm a lilywhite Melbournite with a very delicate constitution and thusly spent the day sticking ice cubes down my dress and making my friend Kerry spray water all over me. Friday and Saturday seemed bearable, Sunday was just hell on earth.


4. How does one properly enforce the 'no dickheads' rule, anyway? Surely dickheads don't realise they're dickheads. That's one of the things that makes them a dickhead.

Having said that, I do like the idea of someone rushing to buy a ticket and their face falling when they see the 'no dickheads' rule. 'Fuck, that's me out. Maybe next year' etc.


5. I've heard several people complain about these impromptu jam sessions. Apparently there was a drum kit somewhere on the camping grounds, too. The nerve! I wouldn't even put my car radio up too loud in the morning in case someone nearby wanted a lie-in. Camp next to me in 2007; I am a lovely neighbour.


6. None. There are no toilet rules at Meredith. You may piss on a tent as soon as you arrive. In fact, I think they're writing it into the rules next year as a rite of passage.

DJKL said...
Well I walked up and down Brunswick Street for hours and didn't see you once. How disappointing. Anyways, do you remember the Aussie TV show "The Fast Lane" with Spud the gardener from Mr Squiggle in it? I think the other bloke went on to be Willing or Abel in that hilariously titled show "Willing and Abel" with that snowy dude from "A Country Practice". And it even had the original Pippa from "Home and Away" if memory serves me right. I liked that show.

I don't remember that at all, no. Although reading this question made me start singing the themesong from Willing And Abel very loudly whilst sliding around the kitchen lino in my socks. So it hasn't been a total waste of time.

Tim Chuma said...
Why does the Victorian State Government have a vaginal health page?
http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Vulval_conditions?OpenDocument=
(As Monkey says - stick your hand in there and they will bite you!)

I was looking for information about sorbelene honestly!

Jokes about 'better C#$%^ health' and certain members of the Australian Liberal Party can be left as an exercise for the reader.

'Looking for information about sorbolene'? THIS IS CLEARLY A METAPHOR.



Anyway, vaginas deserve to be healthy just as much as anyone else. Would you prefer ladies be all skanky down below with the sort of thin crust usually seen on cheap pizzas? No you wouldn't. Thus: Viva the Victorian State Government. Viva, I say.

BEVIS said...
Have a great Christmas, okay?

Have you any plans?




(I'm Not Craig: Bardot?)

Thank you, I will. Christmas Day will be the usual family shenanigans (with a pool this year, thank fuck), and after that I will duck away to the country with a handful of nearest and dearest for a private food and wine festival in a 50's holiday home.


And baby's first Christmas?

Mex said...
recent developments have lead me to pose another question: i am anticipating spending not only NYE but a whole week in melbourne.

apart from (obviously) going to schnitz and tits and begging for a spin on the restaurant tram, what who and where else should i be doing/going?

thanx.

'Recent developments', hm? YOU MEAN YOU COULDN'T WAIT A FEW EXTRA DAYS TO HEAR MY APPRAISAL OF YOUR NEW SEXING PARTNER?


First week of January I really have no idea what's on as it will be hot as fuck and people will be cross. If you're looking for some kind of quintessential Melbourne experience (and who can go past the restaurant tram, really) I'd suggest catching the train down to Seaford beach for some steamed dimmies and a swim. If you can manage to avoid getting beaten up by a biker family then it will all have been worth it.

Anonymous said...
Why hasn't anyone been charged over the Werribee DVD scandal?

That's a very good question, Anon. I really don't know. I can only hope those little fuckers have stopped smirking long enough to realise that absolutely everyone in the world hates them now, even Johnny Knoxville.

I'm not Craig said...
Wow, this guess which band I was in (answer, one that nobody on this blog has heard of) have gotten a little out of hand, hasn’t it? To MG, zzymurgy, Grover Jones, Anon, Fluffy, and Bevis, thank you for playing and no, none of the above. And that’s twice I’ve had to deny being in Chocolate Starfish now.

And so to your questions

1. How about Girlfriend? Or the Ergo Derivative? Or Tlot Tlot?

How could I be in Girlfriend? Why would I be in the Ergo Derivative? (I remember them. Quite strange) Who were Tlot Tlot?

2. Perhaps. Why, are you losing interest?
*affects death stare*
We are playing some bizarre hybrid of internet chess and Rockwiz, which has no rules and I don’t think anyone is sure how one would actually win this thing, but it seems to be largely about me. How could I possibly lose interest?

I was desperately worried that everyone who reads this blog might be finding the whole thing tedious, but now that everyone is joining in I can relax.

Your death stare freaked me out for a while there but I have solved that problem by ensuring that the Book Club show is not on when I am typing this answer.


3. No, frankly.
Oh that is disappointing. Not even a signed RRR bumper sticker?

Oh, and I was not in Remedy Stone.

I'll start handing out the prizes when you start handing out the hints, young man.


Was it The Badloves? Or No More Chili Jam? Have I said them already?

Anonymous said...
er I'm Not Craig...

Cyclone Tracey ??

can you give us any type of hint, like time frame, type of music etc???

Dstah

AND WE HAVE ANOTHER ENTRANT.



Welcome to the game, Dstah. May the best sad-act win.

zzymurgy said...
'LABOUR SUPPORTER'??

As in, Tony Blair?

PS. I think Germaine was staring at those legs too.

I hope so, zzymurgy. I'll take what I can get from that woman.

Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits,

While eating with a group of friends at a restaurant last night, one of my GF3 came in clutching a bottle of wine from the small-ish & boutique-ish winery I work for and proceeded to sit at a table practically opposite our booth. I was excited both because she (or her dining partner) had picked my wine, and because it was a GF3. Some time later, my wife spotted the wine and proceeded to point and draw our friends' attention to the wine on the nearby table, while I tried to shoosh her and stop her pointing at it/them, which she found a little odd.

When we left the restaurant, I explained that I'd wanted her to stop making a pointing whoopee-doo about the wine because of whose table it was on, and it turns out my wife had not recognised said GF3er. Suffice to say that I now have at best a GF2, a wife who feels she won a minor (and slightly amusing) moral victory pointing out my little crush to her friends, and her whole lackadaisical approval of the GF3 concept last year is totally up for review, having come face-to-face with one...

My possibly-related question is this:-
Do you think Corinne Grant should consider politics in the future?
On the plus side, she's smart, photogenic, witty, thinks on her feet, speaks well, has a profile, and is aligned with my preferred side without being enmeshed to the point of ongoing taint with the union movement.
On the flipside, she sometimes polarises people with occasional nasty reactions… http://blogs.theage.com.au/lifestyle/allmenareliars/archives/2006/08/the_big_questio_3.html
Further, I think her persona and work tend to make her a victim of the creative left’s nasty tendency to eat it’s own – as I’ve heard much cattier observations from ‘fellow travellers’ about whether she is funny than what’s on the Age blog above (and others). Also, she would draw the same scrutiny that Gillard does and Garrett does not over hairstyles, etc. I myself preferred it darker several years ago, but for GF3 purposes would take it in whatever delightful condition it was available…

What do you think? Politics?

Yours, etc

Anonymous

Woah, CORINNE GRANT IS IN YOUR GF3? What a lovely story.


Anyway, yes I think Corinne would work in politics. Most things that you listed as a flipside (polarises people, open to nasty scrutiny) just comes with the territory and she seems tough enough to handle it. She has a good lefty heart beating in her chest and she opened with a smart crack at the Fill the G rally. Would you vote for her if she ran? Would you be allowed to? Would Peter Helliar be her deputy? CAN YOU IMAGINE?




p.s. Dude, you were totally pwned by your wife last night.


********************



Anyone who missed out, you'll be first up next week. I am going to watch my friend Hotman barbecue the fuck out of some meat products and privately hope that someone will kiss me soon. I AM RIPE FOR KISSING, PEOPLE.


Leave your questions for next Friday in the comments below. As always, a pleasure and a privilege.



330 days til the next election.

40 comments.