Reasons you will hate me

Holy... Crap...

I didn't have a problem with your html skills, fits (can I call you fits?), I just hate pasting url strings into the bar because then they are stuck there and people can see what filthy shit I've been perving at, albeit only for a day.

As I said, I am no html expert, I am actually a professional bluffer, knowing enough about any given topic to appear knowledgeable to the uninitiated, and not completely moronic to experts.

However, I must point out that in your example, the first two characters would need to be in the reverse order to how you have posted them. Otherwise it won't work.

The acronym html is a good example of appropriate use of abbreviation. A bad example is WWW , when is much more simple to say the actual words it stands for than the corresponding letters. I also dislike the hip abbreviation dub dub dub , as it makes me automatically think of Natty dreadlocked toasters and weird echo effects. What do you think, am I just a complete pedant?

Personally, I am all for the use of public facilities for private functions, however, the ladies is usually more pleasant than any gents I've ever had to use. Unisex rest rooms tend toward the lowest common denominator, being those who pass water from a standing position, which, you don't have to have a PhD in fluid dynamics to realise, causes far more problems than sitting down for the same purpose.

This simultaneous consideration of the two (exclusive for my preference) functions of the genitals is somewhat dampening my spritits. I may have to relocate to the nearest public bar, and avail myself of their free flowing beverages before I can continue with my original discourse.

But, while on the subject, are water sports and/or coprophilia a healthy part of the seemingly limitless sexual pantheon, or a filthy disgusting perversion, the practitioners of which should be punished and re-educated in the ways of luuuuurve?

i feel ripped off because you didn't answer my question. of course some adelaide person will rise up and defend. but she did say that she was annoyed by the constant suggestion of adelaide being weird.

so what gives? i'm not on an anti-adelaide thing here, i just want to know what it is.

where there's smoke, etc.

I look forward to Friday q&a every week.

Is this tragic or "normal"?

What's the appropriate etiquette upon telephoning someone and discoverying partway through the conversation that they are in fact in the middle of a mid-afternoon bath?

I had previously not thought it was in the same category as someone answering the telephone on the lavatory (people who do this ought to have all portable telephone privileges revoked) but the person I rang this afternoon seemed somewhat put out by being caught in such a position, although, to be honest, as previously noted, I hadn't known she was in the bath when I rang.

I think she felt awkward about it. Was this unnecessary, given that neither of us were using one of those newfangled video phones? I was perfectly happy to just have a chat.

When will you cease idly fantasising that Lindsay Tanner and/or Bill Shorten can smite John Howard at the next election? Will you please urgently (a) acknowledge the incredible hotness of Julia Gillard and (b) get behind her as the Opposition person with the style and substance to lead the forces of righteousness into government?

what kind of female body shapes do you find most attractive?

I'm in a serious long term relationship. I have not cheated on my boyfriend.

Sometimes I have dreams about cheating on my boyfriend. I have sex with other people in my dreams.

1. Should I tell him?
2. Have I cheated, in some small way?
3. What does this mean?

I really love him.

Love it. You are making my Fridays even more Friday-ish. And we all wanted to work at Dolly Doctor, that's a given.
Even the boys.
Especially the boys.

Wrong!! < before the a, *before*!! Call yerself a nerd... or, you didn't, I can't remember. Okay, forget I ever mentioned it.

So, that link you posted to that Steve Irwin doll is pretty fucked up. No, the link was great. It was hyper. But the doll... what kind of fucking interpretation of that stupid bastard is that? The Steve Irwin doll I'm talking about is shown thus:

Stevie boy

I've included the Carlton in there for reference so you don't think I've actually just linked to a picture of the real Steve. Seriously, he looks much more smart/intelligent/fuckstick modelled like that, wouldn't you say? You could hardly resist getting him up ya when he gives you those cold, blank, staring eyes now, could ya? Especially when he whispers sweet nothings like this:

Poised, ready to talk

So anyway, how 'bout a question then? Jolly good! Does this piccy:

Boonie

make you:

a) snigger in amusement at both the hilarity of the situation and the sublimely brilliant use of popular culture, speech bubbles and a stolen version of Fireworks by the author?

or;

b) become hideously enraged at the fact the author used the wrong fucking their/they're/there in the caption?

Thanks Fits. This helps us all in ways we may never truly understand.

p.s. I am *not* unhealthily obsessed with either of these gentlemen

You have a radio show, Ms Fits? Where can people from different geographical areas get podcasts? I know they're not profitable, but they work for Ricky Gervais.

DO IT. GO OUT ON A BLIND DATE.

i was afraid you'd say that.

p.s. for my next trick I am doing a tantra workshop.

i'm taking up pole dancing.

maybe we should have some sort of trading places reality show thang.

Blind dates? Oddly enough I just blogged about the very same thing. Spoooooooky. Now, where did I put that glass of red wine?

I'm just catching up on a week of very little blogging (or very little visiting of other people's blogs, is more accurate).

I can't believe I missed a whole week of opportunities to submit a question to your Friday Q&A post. I'm so disappointed in myself.

My question is: Do you think this is funny? I do. I'm a big "BTTF" fan (like, obsessive - second only to The Muppets), and although it's 'wrong' what they've done to my beloved characters, it's only 'wrong' in a 'shake your head while laughing a lot and not really having any angry thoughts directed at those who did it because it's just too damn good and they're too darn funny and too flippin' clever to have made something so stinkin' brilliant' kind of way.

Let me know what you think.

... emphasis on 'obsessive' ...

Ever since I was a little kid I was always the one who visited people or rang them, no one ever came to see me or rang. I only keep in touch with one person I knew from high school in Melbourne - shared a flat with him for a while like I said I would in grade 4.

I don't stay on one side of the Yarra like a lot of people I know and sometimes I think I spend more time on public transport that at the places I am going to.

Why is so hard for people to come and see me? Don't they like me?

Can I just say - there is only one side of the Yarra that is worth living in/visiting. Abd it does not include Brighton.

Dear Ms Fits, I am the embarassed caller who asked about analingus last week. My 'girlfriend' absolutely refuses to be the giver or recipient. Should I:
A: Talk it over with her, and tell her it's important.
B. Ask another girl.
C. Join either a Tibetan Monastery (a la Leonard Cohen) or join the Taliban.

Please answer - I've a feelin' I a wanna be Hicksin'...

What is it about me that causes (some) lesbians to tell me that they would turn for me? Could it be a St Kilda lesbian thing? Could it have something to do with them being in their 20s?

Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered and not completely disinterested - and not even thinking about the typical bloke idea of girl-on-girl escapades - but I'm a little wary of getting involved and emotionally attached and it turning out to be a brief flight of fancy and a couple of months down the track being faced with a switch back to the other side.

Do you think they're sincere? This has happened three times in the last six months, each time after a gig, when everyone's a little beveraged.

Dear Ms Fits,

In your opinion, what are the Top 10 seminal Australian television shows, and why? (Game shows count, as do programs in which you've been involved somehow.)

Also, why is everyone on Australian television so fucking caucasian? Thoughts?

That was the longest most boring post I have ever read.

Hotdogs For Gold in 2006!

The boy benjamin said:

Also, why is everyone on Australian television so fucking caucasian? Thoughts?

Bllody good question, bb - I look forward to next Friday's response from our guru!

Ms Fits

With regard to the short film, there was a caravan park involved, but from memory it was not you being handled inappropriately but rather a teenage boy.

I don't believe we looked alike, but you did have some memorable lines, such as:

"Fuck you, Kane!"
"Aw, I'll give it a go. Looks a bit limp, though"
"Yeah right!"

Gold.

Dear Ms Fits,

I started reading your blog about a year and a half ago when I followed a link to it from Jessculture's site. I don't read her blog any more but I still check yours every day because I rather like you (nothing against Jessculture).

I enjoy the anonymity of this activity. However, I now know that we have lovely friend in common and I will perhaps one day meet you through this friend. We have already come close. If we meet, would you like me to tell you that I read your blog, or would you prefer I pretend to know nothing about you so we can get to know each other from scratch? I am not sure I would like to tell you that I already know so much about you. It makes me feel like a stalker and that's not nice. Perhaps I should stop reading RYWHM?

I like your Friday Questions and I think you should keep doing them. Our mutual friend does not know that I read your blog and possibly doesn't even know that you have one.

I await your considered response.

Love, Anon x

Fits wrote:

"It scares me that the older we get, the less time we spend with people before making important decisions. For the most part, if you're twenty-two, you'll wait about five years before having a baby with someone (I said for the most part, DON'T JUDGE ME). But people in their thirties meet and marry and procreate in no time at all. Why? Is it because the clock is ticking?

Ugh, the whole notion of it is frightening."

Kranki says: I don't think that it is a bioligical clock thing in every situation. I thinkn that through experience as you get older you know yourself and what you need out of a relationship. I think some people do freak out to pop out a baby but for the most part I believe that you simply have more insight and are able to tell if somebody is a good fit for you when you have had a few crash and burn situations.


Oh and my question.

If, hypothetically, your spouse left you, with a bit of a chip on your shoulder, would you access her My Space account if you managed to guess the secret password. If so what would you do besides spy on who she is flirting with? Would sending strange messages to odd desperate guys be the best way to entertain yourself. The entertainment value is very very high and it's obviously and there is quite a potential to getting caught and yelled at and further damaging the relationship, but would you do it anyway?

M'dear Fits, are you coming to Suicide Girls?

If yes, brill. We shall see you there ('we' being a fellow blogger, a hanger-on, and my boyfriend, who it turns out you've briefly worked with* in the past, and he thinks you're lovely),

If no, WHY THE FUCK NOT? WHAT KIND OF SELF-RESPECTING PERSON DOESN'T WANT TO SEE PIERCED, DYED AND TATTOOED GODESSES (albeit often slightly too skinny godesess) ARSE ABOUT ON STAGE? Are you some kind of lentil-loving queerboy? No, because even they're going. So nyeer.

Ahem.

* 'Worked with' in a professional capacity, not 'worked with' in the massaging his manparts sense.

Dear Ms,

I am rather enjoying this game of you taking celebrity sides (re: Simpson vs. Lachey.) Here's a few more and if you could give a brief reason (< 5 words) as to why, I shall get even more enjoyment!

Round 1 - Mary Kate vs. Ashley

Round 2 - Which Gallager brother would you tell to their face "the worst musician in their family".

Round 3 - Bert vs. Ernie

Thanks in advance!
Sir Anon.

What is the go with boys who DON'T try to kiss you on the first, or even second date?
Nice dates, dinner, walking, talking, getting picked up and dropped off home, all that jazz. But no kiss. Twice.
What the hell does this mean?? I don't have bad breath, I'm pretty, I'm very kissable!!!
He's very keen to go out again, but what the hell does this lack of smooch action mean?? Is he just being a gentleman, or do I assume that we are "Just Friends".
(Oh My God. I'm 25, and this question sounds just like something I would have read in Dolly when I was 12!!)

Ms FITS...I was wondering,is it ever ok to stop caring about stuff?...The other week I heard that plants are giving off Methane which is partly responsable for this greenhouse thingy.
Couple that with this seemingly impervious Satan backed regime we're living under.And frankly I'm just about ready to say fuck it and take up an interest in sports.
....Help me please!

i'm new to blogging but i think i may have a lot of fun with this.
my question is do you ever really have lesbian encounters and if so how far do you usually go?
also, describe your hottest lesbian fantasy in as much detail as you dare.
i'm the sort of girl other girls hate because i tease a lot and will do almost anything with anyone whos hot (m or f). for this reason i have a lot of male friends who know i'm generally up for something most nights.
many girls would call me a slut but i don't care.
another question; do you think we'd get along or would you hate me too?

sorry for long pasted entry but...

Lachey Caught in Romance Scandal with Jessica's Best Pal

Nick Lachey's publicists are furiously denying a magazine report suggesting the pop hunk is dating his ex-wife Jessica Simpson's best friend and assistant. Lachey, who has recently been linked romantically to former beauty queen Lizzie Arnold, has now been spotted in the arms of CaCee Cobb, according to US magazine Life & Style. In its new issue, the publication claims the couple was spotted getting cozy at Los Angeles' Level 3 nightclub last week as onlookers gasped in astonishment. One reveler says, "Nick had his arms wrapped around her, and he was kissing her all over the side of her face and neck. Her arms were around him, too. We were watching in total disbelief. We kept waiting for them to rip each other's clothes off." The revelers felt Cobb should not have been cavorting with her best friend's ex in such a public place. One fumes, "There may be nothing going on between them, but it was inappropriate behavior. Everyone was like, 'Wow, what are they thinking?'" But Lachey's representatives are strongly denying rumors of a romance between their client and Cobb, insisting, "Nick and CaCee are friends, that's it."

"pop hunk"! "former beauty queen"! "CaCee"! "cozy"!

i may explode with happiness...

My question is:

"How long does it take you to write these posts?"

I appreciate the obvious amount of effort that has gone into soothing the ruffled brows of your readers by answering the Big Questions.

xoxo

Re: reading Who Weekly in the spa.

I wonder if you'd care to share some tips on how you orchestrate the above activity.

I've always found it difficult to keep the aforementioned journal of record free of bubbles and wet fingerprints whilst juggling the obligatory glass of Verve and plate of chocolates. I'm also a little concerned about sucking the melted chocolate from my fingertips on account of the ink that regularly leaches from the front cover. Can you offer any advice on this?

Did you know, by the way, that the poor unfortunate folk of Western Australia must wait until Monday for the latest issue of Who to hit the stands? Do you not feel (as I do) that this amounts to a form of discrimination which surely warrants redress?

Ok, so about this reading at the table thing.

Its cool to carry a book with you at all times. I do it myself.

What I want to know is, if I'm having dinner with you (when you're in Perth, CALL ME!), do you mean you would just pull out the book and start reading it as I am talking to you? Or just whilst you're waiting for me to arrive or whatever, or perhaps in between main course and dinner?

What about if you're out with a group of people and they're all talking, and you were feeling not really engaged with the discussion, would you pull it out then (the book I mean, not your wobbly bits)?

How about Friday Jeopardy instead, where the punters provide the answers and you give the questions? Would give an excuse to play that mad theme they have.

P.S - Please note that this is merely a suggestion and is not intended to be answered in the normal fashion. The Jerry Rice answer has fulfilled every need I ever had to be involved in this concept.

This is the best blog.

Good work fits.

Ms. Fits,

You've mentioned that a good question would be to ask you to dinner, and while many have made allusions, no one has made an official invitation (unless asking if you would read at the table during said dinner is an invite).

I would like to extend that invitation, for dinner at casa de Seppo, next time you are in the Bondi area... as long as you don't have an aversion to neurotic, ex-chef yanks. Ladies choice for the menu, of course…

Roight.

I tink soom ayew fork moight be needin' soom ennertainment in da absence o' Ms Fits.

'Ave a read o' dese tales o' crazy ol' fork an' all da dozy tings day say an' tink!

http://www.b3ta.com/questions/old_people_talk_bollocks/


Soom 'ighloights for ye...

Grandma: You courting yet?
Little Sister: No.
Grandma: I'm not surprised: you ain't got very big tits.
Little Sister went into catatonic trance for several minutes.

my nan was classic. she used to call me clifford (my name's ben), she swore black's blue that she'd met Miss Marple in the flesh (when I said that she was a fictional character, she shouted at me with "How can she be fictional if I've shook her f**king hand!!"). She also thought Angela Lansbury was Agatha Christie.

My granda's a fantastic bloke but I'll never forget the time we were out camping and he pointed to the sky, with a look of admiration in his face, as if he were about to make some poignant comment about existence (he trained as a priest), and all he said was, "That cloud looks like a penis. Look, it's a big cock in the sky *sigh*".

1a) Why do you think people are turning to you for relationship/sex advice?

b)Are you now officially a sexpert?

2) When is it time to leave a relationship? Say for example you have been with someone for - let's pluck a figure out of the air - 14 years. And you have, hypothetically, two young children who you are the primary carer for. And, for argument's sake, longstanding resentments have accumulated over time to the point where it is difficult for both parties to be civil to each other for extended periods. Yet you feel as if, with a little goodwill, some stuff from the past (like minor infidelities) could be gotten over, while not diminishing the fact that some other things need to be addressed and the possiblility of reoccurances eliminated. But you know that you are the only one who sees it as a problem with the relationship, rather than a problem with you. And you are also heartbroken at the thought of having access to the children restricted (which is not an unfounded fear, given some previous discussions about separation) if you leave. Oh, and you have also become financially and socially interdependant and will have to choose to start again from scratch or have nasty legal battles over property etc. In order to futher flesh out the scenario, imagine you are 37 years old and have really let yourself go. Could I pretend that this is a question for a mate?

My darling J

Happy Valentine's Day.

J

x

Happy valentines day Fitzy
....XXXXOOOO Ratzy.

*distressed*

are you going to post this week?
i like friday comments, but i love to be regailed by your witty weekly observations too...

should you start a dr. fits blog for constant attention and advice for all bloggers?

i hope reason you havent posted is that you are having hot valentines day sex...
or hell has captured you and is making you eat cake and painting your chocolate covered portrait...

happy valentines...

Fits, the lovely Fluffy linked to an old post of yours on Hospitality Crushes.

Can you please do an updated HC post in the not too distant?

Actually I do have a real question. When writing a TV script can you get away with writing a Valentine's Day episode? Is it going to fall flat when somebody reads it in August? I feel that it's a day full of shenanigans that can be ruthlessly exploited for comedy scenarios.

Hey.

So what did you get up to on Valentine's Day? Tell us all the saucy (and not-so-saucy) goodness.

Unless you post about it separately between now and Friday.

In which case, don't mind me.

*whistles and strolls off looking at the sky in mock-innocence*

http://www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com/blog/archives/aj104.jpg

Are you a fan of this lady, ms fits?

xo, from a flame-haired DDC regular attendee.

mac or pc?

Oh my, flame haired anon.
That is deliciosa. Muchos gracias etc.

My dearest Fits,

Being relatively new the wonderful world that is Melbourne, and you being the social beacon of the new millennium, I was hoping you could suggest 5 venues (or more if you wish) where I could host my ‘So Long 20's’ party? I'm picturing dark and broody meets trashy karaoke. Must have a bar of course, for we must ‘get on the cans’.

If you could list in order of preference it would also be fantastic!

Now I’ve just to make some Melbourne friends between now and the end of March and I’ll be set. Consider this your invitation!!

Thank you xx

i'm visiting melbourne for the weekend... what 'must' i do?

I love my partner very much and we have been going out for quite some time. Problem is, I know we don't share the same values in terms of what we want out of a relationship and so our partnership seems likely to end in heartache in the longer term- for either one or both of us.

Some times I want to look for a new partner who wants things more like me so I am happier and don't have to fight all the time to get what I need. Would it be wrong to start looking for someone else while I'm still seeing my current partner? Do I have to break up with them first and risk losing something that might actually not be so bad before testing the available market?

For fear of reprisal, just call me anonymous today...

Given what we now know about the mental state of Mark Latham and with Simon Crean having tearies about possibly losing his safe seat to someone who actually has public support...

Is it feasible that the Liberal voters at the last federal election got it right?

Yes, yes we all know that Liberal are very crap too, but surely, in retrospect, they were the lesser of two disasters.

Dear RYWHM

I posted a question yesterday but it now seems to have disappeared. Perhaps I'm too uncool to be reading this website?

Am I homesick or just a dick? I spend all day reading Australian Blogs when I should be working, and dreaming about the sun. What's wrong with me. Can homesickness break your heart?

Is loneliness a sin?

Smiley

What is the best way to ensure vaginal ejaculation? I have heard that every woman is capable of it.

Is it socially acceptable to call John Howard a cunt?

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