Friday q and a #50.
I appear to have picked up a cold, which is irritating beyond belief. Is it wrong to want to spend New Year's Eve alone and marching around the house naked but for a patchwork quilt and a stick-on comedy moustache? I suppose I could always attempt to entice someone over via a series of alluring sms messages (RU REDY TO PRTY? CUM OVR, I HAV MUSTASH X 4!!!). Does this work on handsome men? Please advise.
While I wait for you to get back to me I guess I may as well tackle the last questions for 2006:
COREMAN said...
Dear Ms Fits, have been titillated by your blog for some time - particularly when you put the boot/stiletto into the unabashed hypocrisy of the neo-con encumbancy and its murdochian sickofants. I believe you are in the process of writing a novel, well, I too am doing just that; however I've chosen the self-flagellatory path of publishing my efforts online each week.
Perhaps you would care to pay a visit and glance a perusal: if you deign left a comment I think I would verily have kittens ...
See - http://evissap-novelinprogress.blogspot.com/.
Cheers, COREMAN.
Oh,and have a Merry Thingomas.
I am incredibly intrigued by the idea of using blogs as drawing boards for novels, Coreman. Yours is lengthy, post-wise, and takes a couple of sit-down goes to digest (nothing at all the matter with this; people should concentrate on good literature). It also utilises the term 'self-important gyno-centric milkers' which I think may be the next 'bitchez be hatin' for our generation.
Best of the festive season to you also.
Alf said...
Hello.
How wonderfully witty in the way of Wilde is that regular column on green newspaper that I read every Friday. I savour it. Your blog is similarly entertaining, although at times somewhat impenetrable for one not belonging to your coterie.
Anyway, there was talk recently about Spicks and Specks. I have been watching Never Mind the Buzzcocks and wonder why nothing so enticing and sweetly vitriolic in nature makes it onto our screens here? Do we need an ABC1 and ABC2, one each for the major political parties and an ABC3 for the Greens which displays non-stop footage of serene old-growth rainforests interspersed with chainsaw accidents amongst boorish (possibly hirsute if you will) loggers?
Thus is my amiration and a question.
Thankyou Alf, that is very kind of you. No doubt if Wilde were alive he also would be penning lightweight self-absorbed columns purporting to be about television viewing but actually about fuck-all, if a little more homosexual.
Never Mind the Buzzcocks is indeed a wonderful series, and the host is a fucking dish. Where did he come from, the curly-headed word strumpet? Anyhow, surely if we looked hard enough we could find something equally as enticing and sweetly vitriolic on our televisual screens. The Chaser is engagingly biting, if more political than musical.
Do we really need more ABC channels? Yes, frankly. Particularly if it means more work for nobodies like me.
p.s. Who the hell would watch a Liberal-run television channel? Wtf would they have on high rotation, anyway? Man About the House? Jesus christ.
notananonymouscunt said...
did you know that you're only three weeks away from the banality of a one year anniversary of q and a? excitement abounds, no less.
Good lord. Really? No wonder I'm tired.
Does this mean I'm allowed to publish the 'best of' yet or is it slightly premature?
littlefaeriegirl said...
for the anonymous who wrote about proposals
i told my partner i was pregnant. he ran away. literally. we were standing in the driveway, and he ran down the beach and disappeared for a few hours. then he decided we should have an abortion, then he decided we'd keep it. then he told his parents. then he came home and said we should get married. and i said 'this is because of your parents' and he said '...no'. then we went to a suburban shopping centre and bought the only ring i didnt find ugly for under $100. then he asked me to marry him. i said yes. then we had a baby. then another baby. then we broke up. now i'm renting a house and he's living in our house and going out with a girl 10 years younger than him.
so
as far as hollywood movies are concerned? not so much. actual people in hollywood? maybe a little, yeah
hi ms fits, how are you?
Oh dear. I'm quite alright, all things considered. You, on the other hand, seem like you've been having an awful time of it. And you're right, for all the stilted 'darling, I've shoved a pair of diamante earrings into this here strawberry cupcake, now be my bride DAMN YOU' Colin Firth-esque proposals, there are a hundred more 'well I guess that since you're knocked up and I just got promoted to frozen foods we may as well, fucko' ones.
I'm sorry yours was swathed in such tumult. Here's hoping Benicio Del Toro rocks up to your joint some time soon in a hot air balloon and sweeps you up for an afternoon's frottage and fromage.
Rowena said...
I wonder if Germaine has read your blog yet? Hi Germaine *waves* if you're reading.
But seriously, she is one of my all time heroes and she scares the living shite out of me. I couldn't even "come" at the thought that she might see anything I had written. I feel your pain.
Have been wanting to tell you for a while that my parents are big fans of yours. (They watch the book show and mum likes your GG column). This is quite a feat re father as he is one of the world's most serious men. He especially loved your "reading this book is like eating 800 Ryvitas" comment.
Have you noticed that a lot of people ape your writing style when posing questions for Friday Q&A?
1. I have no idea if she's read it or not. She seemed reasonably determined to despite my clinging to her leg and begging her to change her mind. For a couple of weeks after she threatened stalking me I was slightly over-aware of writing to a terrifyingly brainy audience of one, but soon got over it. If she hunts me down and loathes my pop culture ramblings, then so be it. TAKE ME AS I AM OR NOT AT ALL, GREER.
I wonder if Our Bob has ever seen this website?
*hides*
2. God bless your parents, particularly your keen-eared father. I never presume anyone is able to hear my inane murmurings over the excitable shouting of people like Peter Cundall or Di Morrissey. That someone even bothers turning up their television loud enough to bear witness to my vapidness is rather humbling, I must say.
3. Really? No, I haven't noticed that. I just presumed all the RYWHM commenters were witty and urbane sophisticates DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE.
Big Matt Stud said...
I was reading the movie reviews on Salon when I was bored at work last week, and I came across a review by a young lass called Stephanie Zacharek of a movie called Venus with Peter O'Toole which is about the relationship between a young woman and a much older man (P.O'T playing the second part, just to set your mind at ease). Anyway, at one point in the film he apparently takes the opportunity to look up the young lass's skirt, and Ms Zacharek's comment is "Personally, I think it's perfectly OK to look up a woman's skirt, as long as one is gentlemanly about it."
So, here's my question. There's a gentlemanly way to look up a woman's skirt ? Are you by any chance familiar with this, and could you describe it to me ? Would it be anything like Leslie Nielsen looking up Priscilla Presley's skirt in Naked Gun - "Nice beaver !".
Also, I have noticed that in the last week or so you appear to have been pining for a decent round of passionate kissing. Can I just take this opportunity to say that I think it is a complete indictment of the young men of Melbourne and surrounding districts that you are not completely sated in this regard, and that I hope that this situation resolves itself toot sweet.
Yes, the most gentlemanly way to peer up a woman's skirt certainly seems to be when she's climbing up a wee ladder to reach some high-up library books like an adorable brainy temptress. Either that or wearing a beret and a half-cocked smile whilst assisting her off a bicycle. Nothing wrong at all with taking a quiet squizz at a pair of on-show knickers, so long as you don't whistle loudly and shout GET A LOAD OF THAT SWEET MUFF which would only serve to make your odalisque feel particularly uncomfortable.
With regard to the kissing - hideous, isn't it? I must address this immediately; though after I've dealt with my cold, obvs. If anyone sees me on the street feel free to sweep me up and stick your tongue in my mouth.
Mephistopheles said...
Oh Fits, your blog makes me smile & puts a high on my otherwise drab day.
Umm no questions this week, merely wanna say "Hi Hi Hi" to Germaine if she's reading as i absolutely adore her.
Peace
Oh god, we're doing shout-outs to Germaine Greer now. Who would've guessed?
I hope she can feel all the love from her rainforest retreat.
kateM said...
Hey Ms Fits,
Being a frequent reader of this here blog, I know that you enjoy eating out. I was just wondering if you ever frequented a restaurant on St Kilda Rd, known (at it's demise, it apparently had another name earlier) as The Dark Side? Apparently patrons ate in total darkness and the staff had night-vision goggles to see where to put the food, drinks etc.
Unfortunately, by the time my BF and I had got around to booking a visit, it had been taken over a mere month prior. I'd love to hear if you or any of the RYWHM readers had a dining experience there.
kateM
I did hear of this place but couldn't find anyone to take me, disappointingly. I was actually hugely enamoured of the idea of stabbing randomly at my face with a fork and raising my hand so a member of the wait staff could take me to the toilet (yes, this is honestly how they did it). At the very least there could be some illicit squeezing during a date. Has it really closed down? We've only ourselves to blame for being lazy, you know.
Luckily some nice man paid a visit on our behalf:
Simon said...
I've eaten at The Dark Side. Food was very good, and not as messy as you'd imagine, although I did pour my beer into my lap, mistaking a glass for a bottle. It would be an excellent place for a date, as you listen harder, smell and taste a lot more by contrast- very sexy. We were told by the waiter that a lot of blind people take sighted friends there to get a taste. Depending on how sorry you are to have missed the experience, you could always poke out your eyes.
A charmed answer all the way up til that rather violent suggestion at the end.
Still, he has a point I suppose.
hell said...
dear lady, i am charmed, truly...
YOU are wonderful & you made me blush...
can we hold hands in the new year?
If only all the questions were this simple. Yes, please. I would love that.
MrLefty said...
While we're talking of stolen identities, can I just let you know -
SOME TOTAL BASTARD HAS STOLEN MY BLOGS THIS MORNING.
Anonymouslefty and boltwatch have been hijacked. Temporarily I'm at hackedlefty.blogspot.com until Blogspot does the right thing and bloody well restores them... although god knows if that'll actually happen.
Anyway, hackedlefty.blogpot.com in the meantime. Sorry for hijacking YOUR thread!
Lefty.
Indeed, young man. A repulsive state of affairs, and one that I have duly mentioned here.
Anyone still in the dark - AnonymousLefty now resides here, and Boltwatch here. So.
Steph said...
Merry Christmas oh sexay one.
xx
Thank you, dear girl. And a wickedly hedonistic new year to you.
MrLefty said...
This book from 1967 makes some scandalous accusations, I must say.
We've been taught that in God we must trust,
And obeying each law is a must,
But this Miss Fit's leery,
Of the gravity theory,
For to her Newton's Law is a bust.
And then some primitive photoshopping.
Strange world, eh?
(Courtesy of boing boing.)
Dear me. What on earth happened to my bosom?
I've been to some wild parties in my time, but I can't say I've ever looked down and risked being stabbed in the eye by my own nipple. How completely fucking bizarre.
p.s. Lucky you linked to boing boing lest I presume you were GOOGLESTALKING ME, young man.
AH said...
Fits,
In response to a comment from JP in last week's Friday Q and A, the question was put to me by JP 'How many cocks would you suck for a flying car?' My response was: 2 upon visual evidence of said car, 4 with physical evidence of it, 8 with actual evidence of this car flying. JP - let's call him JAMES - he came back to me, said 'But what if they are commonplace at the time you get offered this car? What if you don't know how to fly this car? I liken this tactic to asking a question like: 'Would you sleep with Angelina Jolie?' 'Hell, yes.' 'But what if she is dead? You've really got to ask the question.' Of course I assumed the scenario was based in a here and now sense, and fully stand by my response - a small price to pay for a car which is said to be worth hundreds of thousands by MIT developers working on a similar project. So, Ms. Fit But You Know It, in a fully intelligent and mature sense, my question is how many cocks would you suck for flying car? Also, there's a picture of yout tits on this site?
I must say, I am rather enjoying this mystifying and private conversation between two RYWHM commenters via Friday q and a. Mostly I like that you seem completely unable to sort out your arguments between yourselves and are thusly forced to come visit my blog in order to set things straight re: flying cars and cocksucking. On the QT (as I know you didn't ask me this particular question), I am with you on the 'face value' business. Anyone adding on inconvenient conditions post-answer is merely making a nuisance of themselves.
However! Let us address your queries.
1. This is rather an odd question for me as I have been known to suck cocks without even the slightest promise of a ride in a flying car, visual evidence or otherwise. If it was under some kind of strict barter system, I'd probably wager about eleven blow jobs for full ownership of said car. Are they all on the one person or am I servicing some kind of cricket team?
2. Yes, there is. There are pictures of my tits on many places in the internet if you know where to look.
Spot, the Dyke said...
. . . (Philip Ruddock excepted. I hope he gets firmly kicked in the testicles for Christmas). . .
I was just wondering how you would feel if you woke up on Christmas morning to the news that Ruddock had been given a nasty knock to the nads by a stranger.
And not in a 'You should be careful what you post on the internet there's all sorts of wierdos out there' kind of way. More in a 'what do you reckon you would actually feel?' way.
And would it make you more careful of what you posted, or braver? And if you wished for more things to happen, like, say, Vanstone getting Ebola virus on her shoe, and it happened, would you be shit scared, or feel like Super Blogger, here to save the world?
I have not, do not and will not ever be involved in kicking high profile people in the nuts, or using any kind of virus for any kind of anything. I just thought it was an interesting concept. :)
It is an interesting concept, yes. The idea that I could wish mild harm on a member of the general public via this blog only to have my evil desires come true in real life is kind of thrilling, to be perfectly honest. Imagine how those right wing fuckos would BOW TO ME if they knew that by a mere touch-type I could bestow upon them a viciously contagious bout of dick blisters, or a random anal cavity bursting from their foreheads. Of course I would only use my powers against those who deserved it (you best be lying awake at night, Alan Jones) and to answer your original question the thought that I may have woken up on Christmas morning knowing that Philip Ruddock had been smashed in the nuts by an oversize oaf in cuban heels is frankly heartwarming. Merry Christmas to all.
Cloudy said...
During Xmas my 13 year-old-niece - who's not an emo and is into hardcore ("It's just called hardcore" apparently, after Uncle Cloudy naively asks what kind) - introduced me to Salad Fingers.
Thoughts?
'I like touching rusty spoons with my salad fingers...the feeling I get is almost orgasmic'?? Well, I suppose so. You should be pleased she's spending her time on the internet watching bizarre cartoons rather than googling photographs of Ashton Kutcher naked. Teenage girls can be a fairly lusty bunch, you know. Particularly when roused by exciting guitar riffs.
I'm not Craig said...
Hi Ms Fits
When you said “THAT'S TWICE WE'VE ASKED NICELY FOR CLUES NOW”, were you referring to the part where you said “We'll smoke this jazz-fusion fucker from his hole if it kills us. ARE YOU LISTENING, INC”?
I liked Witty Pseudonym’s suggestion that I was never in a band at all. It’s also possible that I am a 72 year old atheist from the Ukraine, and my name really is Craig.
Since this competition is getting more and more detached from reality with every passing week, perhaps we should expand it to include “Guess which café I owned” or “Suggest which art gallery I curated” or some such.
I also tried out zzymurgy’s idea of using the Band Name Generator. I think my favourite was “I'mnotcraig Tractor and the Love Core”.
That is also not the correct answer.
Since people are asking for hints, may I offer the following:
1. Mid 90s
2. From Melbourne
3. No record deal of any kind ever, not even with some indy label or something
4. You have never heard of this band. No-one has.
5. It was not The Woodshedders
And just to go off topic for a moment, if Bingle Bells is not in production by June next year, the executives are clearly out of touch with what the community wants.
Hope you had a great Christmas.
1. I'm sure it sounded slightly aggressive, INC. But I meant it in a polite way.
2. You are highly amusing. Were we friendly at school? If not, why not? I DEMAND A RECOUNT (of our friendship).
3. Was it the Woodshedders and you're just trying to trick us all with cunning reverse psychology?
Ryan said...
Bugger, Fitsy (as opposed to "Bugger Fitsy" - not really in the Christmas spirit and all that), I'd also conidered asking about some naked Bill Hicks watching; picked the wrong blasted question. Oh well...
Did you have a good alcohol-sodden Christmas?
You could always attach the ankle strap to the vibrator; hence, if you put it to too high a setting and you both part company, it's merely a quck flick of the leg for retrieval.
Now, which Liberal politician do you loath the least? Why - what is their redeeming feature (I'm assuming that there will be no more than one)?
There's always room to ask again, Ryan. Although I suppose it will seem cheap now that I've dropped so many hints.
Anyhow:
a) Not particularly, no. I had an alcohol-sodden Boxing Day, though. Does that count for anything?
b) That seems unecessarily complicated, for some reason. Imagine if my Gabi was to walk in part way through my private masturbation session only to find me attached via boogie board strap to a throbbing sex toy? I wouldn't know where to look.
c) Oh, that's an easy one. Petro Georgiou. God knows what he's doing over there waving flags for the side of evil, but he's a brilliant shit-stirrer. Bless him and all who serve beneath him.
jp said...
Hi Ms Fits,
Lovely to read you got some good pressies. That said, the lurkers here will be champing at the bit to see evidence of this digital camera.
On the topic of evidence, my man A "for Andrew" H, rebutted my question of last week regarding how many dicks he'd gag on to own (“win”) a flying car. He's since replied with a point of clarification in that I think (I zoned out reading it in the middle there) he wrote: "…8 (cocks) with actual evidence of this car flying". He actually said "20" originally but hey, that's fine dude, back peddle. After 8 guys bust a loaf in your mouth, I hope you enjoy flying in that car. I hate to think what I have to do to get a ride in this thing.
Ok, my Q (and I believe the true meaning behind the Great Cock Smoking Stoush of 2006 between JP and AH): would you rather read a novel with dick and fart jokes, complete with a GIANT SPIDER appearing in part 3, or a novel devoid of jokes? And no, it's not ELTON v AMIS, it's JP v AH's novels, both being published in 2007. Low brow entertainment v middle brow (around cock height) entertainment.
Honestly, you two are a very welcome addition to Friday q and a. It's like having Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets stoushing in the comments, and endlessly entertaining. Please linger, help yourself to a canape.
With regard to your cocksmoking argument, a very wise anonymous has something to point out to you:
Anonymous said...
I know a few guys who would be more excited at getting to suck off 8 guys than get the flying car. Can we get a little less homophobic, please?
I do see your point, Anon. Though our friends James and Andrew are merely using points of reference that work for them. If they were of the homosexual persuasion they may have posed each other the flying car question using the rhetorical 'how many vulvas would you lick', if you get my drift.
Anyhow. Happy as I am to blow eleven men, I'd still be probably more partial to owning a flying car. Different strokes, I guess.
Seeing as how it's patently obvious who belongs to which novel (look at you there selling your GIANT SPIDER in exciting 'read me' capital letters), I'll just say that given the highly amusing nature of both questions I am looking very much forward to both competing books.
That said, everyone likes a laugh. So lift your game, Andrew.
kali-maa said...
Dear Ms Fits,
I feel lame asking you this, but you are my internerd hero and always seem to just know, and you are always very generous with your answers to other people. So, here goes: what is the deal with the 'friend' thing on Mess and Noise? I like to read it, and am a member (I have a login, no less) but is it a good idea to start communicating on it as well? I already have a myspace site where I write to my flesh-and-blood friends, have a very busy and important job educating 'our future', hang out with boys that will make me feel interesting emotions to write songs about, and also sometimes play gigs with those songs... so should I feel empty without this extra notch of communication-form in my belt?
Thank you for your time.
love Kali
hello Kali
I lingered on the old mess and noise (known as 'mono.net', how very old school) for a long time before finally partaking in the conversations. It took being out at venues and recognising members of the attractive crowd* to lure me out of my anonymous shell, and since then I have thoroughly enjoyed becoming a part of yet another dorky social circle. If you can bypass the eight thousand 'you're a fuck-knuckle for not liking Nintendo wii'/'I see your fuck-knuckle and raise you a cuntrag, cuntrag' snipy posts, you will find a warm, funny, hugely intelligent music-loving community waiting to be befriended and adored. I feel richer for having discovered them and opened my life up to their wry charms. See you on there.
*and there's another reason why you should join in: there are some fucking spunks lurking around those parts. Not a word of lie.
*****************
A brief one today, thankfully. I am off to be indecisive about my new year and probably annoy the fuck out of most of my friends. Leave your questions for next week in the comments below, particularly my two budding novelists please.
The next time we meet, 2006 will be over. And that, my friends, is a very pleasing piece of news.
Enjoy.
316 days til the next election.
Comments
friday questions will be too late, but i'm sure you'll read this beforehand.
I will be spending new years at home, cooking things out of my new jamie oliver cookbook, watching DVDs and getting stoned.
would you like to join me? unfortunately i don't think i can hussle up some handsome men.
Ms Fits
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling shonky.
I've enjoyed you (!) greatly this year. Your writing, generosity of spirit and joie de vivre are, frankly, inspiring.
Happy new year to you xx
Fuck me with your Lolli Pop MS F but that Land of Tuh was a real crack and I whole heartly suggest and support Norman and Benwood to replace Howard and Costello immediately! Now that would be THE SMART Country improving itself and what a place Australia could become.
Ahh the meer thought loosens the Xmas back dog pulling me down to an early suicide which I'm sure will be how it all end's eventually.
But in the mean time I still have your blog and the hope of interesting personal and up close photo's now you have your digital!
Can I swap places with Gabi ?
I can bring my own ankle strap! Oh and that was my Question so I will now leave since it just became apparent I'm one of those dirty lurkers previously mention in this weeks Q&A.LUV FS
Re: last week's Q&A - Clem Bastow has never been on Spicks and Specks.
It has musicians and comedians - of which she is neither.
Dear Ms Fits,
A re-post from #48 comments, because I'm genuinely interested in the answers:
Is it too late to enter the 2007 Celebrity Sweepstakes?
Now that you're officially a tv columnist, will you be joining the Boxcutters on a regular basis?
http://tinyurl.com/y6n6u2
Do you think there's anything Denyer would do that you wouldn't?
Apologies for greed.
kisses,
catty
Does he like me?!
Dearest Ms Fits,
As I am the BD that JP mentioned in his first question (episode #49 of Friday q and a) incorporating AH, fellatio and flying cars, I thought I'd throw a little crumb-lette of my own into yon fray.
Firstly, JP, re your #49 question/statement, I have already asked Ms Fits some questions so you can stop cybernetically projecting your bosom-appreciating guilt onto my person thankyouverymuch.
Secondly, I put it to both JP and AH that perhaps a flying car is not at all unlike AN AEROPLANE and that, possibly, there need not be so much of the cock-sucking to be done, but seeing as though these two 27 year old males have regular SLEEP OVER PARTIES together, I'm not at all surprised at this particular debate.
Thirdly, Ms Fits, I fancy my NYE celebrations may be venturing down a similar path as your dream but I will be substituting a comedy-moustache with a comedy-pirate eye patch and a comedy-pirate hook and your nude bar patchwork quilt with my nude bar red patent leather round toe strappy sling-backs. Perhaps we can set up a complex semaphore system using compact mirrors and sparklers to coincide with Southbank fireworks?
Fourthly, what is your favourite word today? Today mine are rantipole and astonied.
"Is it wrong to want to spend New Year's Eve alone and marching around the house naked ... Does this work on handsome men? Please advise."
Hmmm, Ms Fits it certainly works for me !!!. But then I have seen your GORGEOUS self on the book group and pine for more :-).
Alone and almost naked on New years eve, definitely wrong !!!!! (it's the alone part...). Although, you the vibrator, ankle strap and the Digi' camera could all get together ... Does the Digi' camera have a remote ?
Happy New year Ms Fits xoxoxoxoxo
Topcat
PS I have only recently found your Blog and it seems to be a lot of fun.
Ms Fits,
Can I say by way of end of year reconciliation at the beginning of this year mate I tagged you as as another jaded inner city hipster or similar - but I've read your website since and if not been won over then seen that that's a grossly unfair summation. I wrote that lame epiphet anomomously but my e-mail is govannon@bigpond.com.
Cheers,
Nick
Matthew Newton and Brooke Satchwell: Your thoughts?
Both individually, and as a couple, if you please.
Happy New Year, Ms Fits. (Although by the time you answer this, it'll be old news already. Ho hum. Such is life in these hectic modern times we live in, etc.)
I was wondering if you could please dispell the magic of print media (specifically newspapers; more specifically the Herald Sun) and tell us when you have to submit your piece for the Green Guide each week? What's your deadline?
Bearing that in mind, when do you usually sit down and write it?
And what happens to it after you send it in? (Fairies in the night, goblins making shoes, pixie dust sprinkled around the place, and so on?)
I find it all very fascinating, although I acknowledge that it feels like I'm "researching" for a primary school project.
If anyone sees me on the street feel free to sweep me up and stick your tongue in my mouth.
Did anyone take you up on this offer, Fits? I do hope so. Have a fabulous 2007/Year of the Pig. Oink.
1. I'm sure it sounded slightly aggressive, INC. But I meant it in a polite way.
It was the “jazz fusion” part that I objected to
2. You are highly amusing. Were we friendly at school? If not, why not? I DEMAND A RECOUNT (of our friendship).
You are very kind, thankyou. Despite going to the same school, I don’t think we ever actually met. We probably have lots of mutual friends, though. It’s even possible that Bevis is one of them, but I can’t be sure because his true identity is guarded by a secret order of monks. Seriously, Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou could run around France for months and stillbe no closer to figuring it out.
3. Was it the Woodshedders and you're just trying to trick us all with cunning reverse psychology?
Really, no it wasn’t. Are we up to the cover bands round yet? If so, I was not in The Rhythm Method. Or Use Your Illusion 3.
Since everyone else seems to have lost interest, can we just claim that we formed Valensi (the Band) some time in the 90s and tell everyone that’s the answer? Perhaps I should have suggested this plan by email.
Damn - I was anonymous @ 5.14 - I must not have been properly signed in. Dratted technology.
Dear Fits,
As much as I feel this debate, which has become known as the 'Cocksmoking Debate', is going on far too long, I am compelled to respond to a few of the comments. As Statler and Waldorf once said:
Waldorf: Hey, what's all the commotion about?
Sweetums: Bunny ran away!
Waldorf: Well, you know what that makes him...
Statler & Waldorf: Smarter than us!
Firstly to Anonymous who suggested this debate was homophobic. I do not see this as being homophobic in any way and agree with your answer, Fitz, that it is dependant on your chosen frame of reference. If you have a friend who is excited about sucking the penises of eight random, faceless people, I don't believe that is a healthy frame of mind to be in. Be you straight or gay. I am actually offended at the suggestion that it is a homophobic question and would suggest that your implication of homophobia is more homophobic than the question itself.
In response to J 'GIANT SPIDER' P. I apologise for him, Ms. Fits, he spends a lot of time indoors and his responses can be a little extreme at times. I thank you for your diplomatic response to his ramblings.
And in response to BD, with the aesthetic mental image producing alias of The Slapper Princess, a flying car is much different to a plane. Or it would not be called a flying car, it would be called a plane.
My question to you Fits: Is it wrong for two twenty seven year-old males (note Ms. Homophobia, BD highlighted the fact that it is two MALES) or females, or a mixture of both, to have sleep over parties?
A question in your capacity as a gourmand. One is being shouted at a run-down caf called Vue De Monde for a Birthday Dinner. The highly-strung food genius Mr Bennett requires all evening diners to undertake the degustation. The minimum is the "amuse bouche" (insert gag (!) here) then 5 courses plus desserts. Last time I visited I attempted 8 courses and very nearly exploded. I actually caught myself wishing I'd worn elastic waisted pants. And so my question(s):
How many courses should one order in such an establishment?
When does sophisticated indulgence become mere gluttony? When does the smorgasbord of delights become just SmorgysTM?
Finally, in anticipation of the feast should I stage my own 40 Hour Famine (albeit without the redeeming feature of helping the starving)?
The New Raunch Culture (TM)
Empowering, womyn-oriented, harmless, sexy fun, or dreadful, retrograde, neo-conservative sexist plot?
will i meet somebody this year?
i'm kinda over the single game.
also, do you love that i wrote the above question not 5 minutes after sortof volunteering my "services" for your threeway gift?
"We probably have lots of mutual friends, though. It’s even possible that Bevis is one of them, but I can’t be sure because his true identity is guarded by a secret order of monks. Seriously, Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou could run around France for months and still be no closer to figuring it out."
Time for the secret handshake, everyone.
PS - Everyone's quoting The Muppets these days! The 'Sweetums' AH quoted is not my son (although they share similar speaking patterns).
Firstly to answer someone's question re if I have space pirates in my novel: no. I considered some pirate ninjas but it didn't fit the "serious" thriller thing I'm aiming for. I may write in some polar bears though: fiercest killers in the animal kingdom. That said, my good buddy AH suggested that if Russell Crowe happens to sign on to play the lead role, there may be more than space pirates making an appearance in future instalments to fuck him over good (eg some unwanted 'Spooning' Oz style). That’s AH’s view, not mine, Crowe. Won’t be anything like this at all, nope…
http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/when-i-was-russell-crowes-stooge/2006/06/06/1149359738242.html
Okay, laughs over. Q time…
Ms Fitz (I really do think the 'z' is more true to the ‘burb):
1) What's on for you in 007? Any new TV writing? Selling your blog contents to the Friday Project?
2) Thoughts on that Aussie Princess show? I think they should do a counter version titled “UK Slappers.” They can go to B&Ss in utes, and dance for beer in Cairns like only ugly backpackers can. (…and a spin off program could be: “What’s with British teeth?”)
3) Have you ever received a Timberlake style dick in a box?
Dear Fits,
Thank you for another wonderful year, I check up once a week and giggles, and indeed, shits.
- I am slowly getting writing work after years of butting my head against the wall but my style is still far too dry and academic. (I am both of these.) Write more while drunk or get more funny friends?
- I wrote this about last years BDO:
--
On Sunday the 29th, the community gathered at the cliff’s edge once more to sing the killing chant, but this year the part of Sergeant Howie was played by Music, rather than Edward Woodward.
Music: “I believe in the aural life eternal, as promised to us by the great bands of history!”
The Big Day Out: “That is good, for believing what you do, we confer upon you a rare gift these days - a martyr’s death.”
--
Is that funny? Too much?
- Also, I have made it my life's work to kill or rescue David Reyne from his captors. He is insane and needs a military intervention.
Thanks,
-Crispin Not Real Name
A PS to my previous entry:
BD wrote: "blah blah blah... stop cybernetically projecting your bosom-appreciating guilt onto my person thankyouverymuch."
There's no guilt involved. What can i say; men like the boobies (thanks Scrubs). Anyway, B - for Bec - D, you too have some serious can action, and I for one fully support your appreciation of those of others.
PPS - come on Ms Fitz, i expected you to comment a bit more on the Goward/Howard thing, or as I call it: Jodence. They will be the Tomkat and Branjelina of 007, mark my words.
Hello Dear Ms Fits,
A politician witha social conscience...how rare. Perhaps a useful pro for the cloning debate.
So how was the lead up to New Year? Did you go overboard? Did I go overboard? How much is overboard?
Als, my Denver-based fling is no more, due to the distances involved...does it seem shallow/callous that I have taken this so swiftly in my stride, and have a date on Saturday night (funnily enough with the young lady I first posted about)?
The vibrator-with-ankle-strap idea seems to have created some interest...
Watch out for the must have gift for Christmas 2007!
I mightn't make the cut this week on such late notice but just a quick question on something that's been brought up in previous Q&As which I was hoping you could expand on.
A couple of times when Jack Marx's name has come up in the topics you've mentioned the Stevie Wright biography he did and it'd probably be fair to say you weren't a big fan. I'm curious to know what it is that repulses you so much about this book? I'll admit that it's train-wreck sort of reading which appealed to me on a voyeuristic level that I'm not exactly proud of but not a good deal different to a checkout scandal-sheet in that sense. Do you feel that Stevie/his partner were exploited or defenseless or something? Is the parallel Jack Mark-in-decline storyline the bit you don't like? Anyway, I don't wanna preempt any of your answer so if you get the time today i'd be really interested to hear more.
Thanks. Ambroticals.
I would like to offer INC and his secret band a recording deal. I am a top executive with a record label, but I can't tell you which one.
Here are some hints though:
1. Mid 90s
2. From Melbourne
3. No record deal of any kind ever, not even with some indy band or something
4. You have never heard of this record label. No-one has.
5. It is not The Woodpeckers
Dear Ms Fits
For sometime I've been troubled by this US v Iraq debacle - for many and various reasons that I'm sure we all understand. However, one thing in particular bothers the hell out of me. Why do the Americans keep talking about "The War In Iraq"? Don't you need two sides (at least) to make a war? If two sides are necessary and the US isn't actually fighting Iraq (as in the current government of Iraq) then who exactly are they fighting to make this a war?
Surely, if everyone was honest they couldn't really call it a war? More an imperial invasion? Other suggestions??
I am very very confused.
I just read your article in the Saturday Extra re Text Appeal. I am now curious. Are there many hotties of the bookish variety? Or is it mainly people wearing corduroy and cardigans (in an unfashionable way)? Would David Foster wallace go down a treat (in a conversational fashion?)
So after putting up with Dallas Crane again at Meredith and just now watching them on the telly at (oh fuck, hang on, that Letterman cunt is on) that Vodafone church thingaling, my Friday question is this:
Why has nobody realised how shit Dallas Crane are? I mean sure, they've come up with the odd guitar riff and all, but seriously, they're all out of tune, and that one guy keeps screaming in a half arsed falsetto that would even make Brian Johnson cringe, not to mention him mounting a foldback wedge whenever the actual solo playing guitarist plays a solo and makes out like maybe it's him busting out a shitty solo instead of the actual solo playing guitarist, and has referred to themselves somewhat immodestly as 'The Mighty Crane', and they're as boring as a brickbatshithouse, so I'm just wondering why nobody ever mentions it?
Are they related to important people then? You know, the church/melbourne mafia? Like Dan Kelly?
'Cos I'm just wondering is all.
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