Reasons you will hate me

G'day Missy,

My parents recently purchased the Power Without Glory DVD and I've been lucky enough to watch some with them. I don't know if you've seen it but I've a few questions;

Has 26 hours of television ever been made that's more laborious and bloated?

How did they think having a 50 year man playing a 21 year old guy (Michael Vaughn) was good casting?

Does your dad play Jim Tracy?

Oddie.

why am i always pinging my browser on a friday come 4pm checking for the latest q+a ? i also waited for last saturday's 50% chance of a q+a sequel - maybe she'll post it nice n early before the day really begins - (the fact i went back 4 a gr8sundaymakeup q+a post is sheer stoopidity)

have ryvitas sponsored da r'm method yet btw ? http://www.ryvita.com/ within the industry i know quite a few non-triangulated disparate folk who have referred to u as the ryvita blogger which is a good position of the market to be (could be because they r green guide readers); are we talking olive oil low fat marg first then vegemite not too spread too be overpowering and coming thru those little pores, or are we adding cheddar cheese ?

I tap-danced through both my pregnancies. Now I'm worried my kids will tell me I have a lot to answer for in 20 years time. I mean, obviously they will in general, but I'm talking specifically related to the tap-dancing incubation. Would you mind elucidating on the matter?

"Last night I was on a date which was very pleasant until my ex-husband's record was put on the pub stereo. It's a little unnerving making polite talk with someone when beautifully heartfelt songs about you and your relationship are on high rotation in the background. Has this happened to anyone else?

Me.
and probably Cher.
and Courtney Love
and most certainly Rosanna Arquette ...

I'm Not Craig:

Was it Hurdy Gurdy? Prude? High Pass Filter? Treehouse? Kilfinnen? Guiltfilter? Plastic Spacemen? Sickbay? BreatherHole?

A deal's a deal. Spill.

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

Hi Ms Fits, yr so gorgeous..
First, a band for IMCraig -Prussian Blue.
Secondly, the 7 top reasons why the contents of Anonymous of Collingwood's undies drew the embarrassing reaction from the lady at the lesbian bar:
1 His dried arrangement reminded her it was watering night.
2.He had wood.
3.She had flash-backs from high school.
4 She had a sudden taste for a chipolata.
5. She thought she was the only man in the house.
6. The Dj played James Blunt.
And the top reason:
7.She remembered she'd left sausage and vegetables simmering on the stove.
Bye

Have been inspired by your article a few Saturdays ago to read more but can only remember John Fante's 'Ask the Dust' as one book you mentioned. And bugger of buggers my local library does not have it (I did spend some time however by the modern feminist poetry wearing a hopeful expression).

I notice mara said that your book recommendations are on this site/blog. Is there an easier way of finding them than simply trawling through all posts on the blog (pleasing prose therein not withstanding)?

Don't want to have to do something for myself, much less think for myself you know.

Hello Treacle,

I once picked up a gorgeous gorgeous man (well out of my league) by telling him he had the ugliest shoes I have ever seen but that he made up for it by wearing pants that were overly tight around the penis region.

A fella once picked me up by throwing a handful of flour in my face and saying 'put that in your pipe and smoke it'.

What are your best picking up experiences? My girlfriends and I were discussing this recently and I heard some pearlers.

x

fitsy
when is it time to give it up, pack it in, start digging the hole and jump down in it?
yours,
anne

ps "flag waving racist"

HEHHEHEH LOVE YOU!

A friend of mine keeps asking me to show him my tits. He isn't interested in the rest of me, and continues to tell me how horribly ugly I am, but only when other people are around. When we are alone together he is really nice and we have a great time, but otherwise he is a total arsehole. Should I show him my tits, or slap him in the face? Or both?

You know, I have to say, I'm slightly affronted by your suggestion that I could be out kiddy fiddling or committing racial violence. Could be? COULD BE?! What kind of monster do you think I am?

Still, it reminds me that an evil, intelligent but lazy person is preferable to a hard-working, good person with no idea what they are doing.

Also, I wonder if someone will pick up on your use of the word "myriad" in responding to the grammatical question last week. Lucky it's use is acceptable in more than one way.

P.S. Power without Glory is available on DVD now? I have been searching for a couple of years...

INC

It's getting very difficult to remember which bands have been actually been mentioned, but since everybody else here seems to have had a go I'd feel left out if I didn't put in my $0.02.

The Ups and Downs ? Mr Floppy ? (candidates for the best album title ever with The Unbearable Lightness of Being a Dickhead, so congrats if that was you) Clowns Smiling Backwards ? The Browns ? Happy Hate Me Nots ? Captain Spaulding ?


For God's sake, give it up man, before Fisty has to actually create an entire sub-blog dedicated to you (Reasons You Will Hate I'm Not Craig ?) I have read the entry which started this, and I know that wasn't your intention so I'm not having a go, but can you ever have imagined that your fifteen minutes would last quite this long ?

Dear Anonymous,
Always show your tits. :)

hello ms,
i have a crush on your friend travis cotton. please list the steps to capture his heart. also - i am not as smart as you, so perhaps looking at it from a different approach for my simple mind would go down the best?
x
ps if we marry, you may be the bridesmaid.

Dear Ms Fits,

I'm heading to Melbourne soon for a week-long stay in the city. My knowledge of Melbourne was hazy to begin with but it's been seven years (!) since I was last there. I'm supposed to be using some of the time to write, which is something I prefer to do in places with lots of background clatter (cafes, pubs etc). Any recommendations on venues in the CBD or stumbling distance thereof that I could plant myself with a notebook and not (a) be constantly asked by waitstaff if I need anything else (ie rushed out the door) and (b) look like a complete wanker. Although I'm willing to submit (b) may be hard to pull off anywhere.

Anyone else want to free their bonnets of bees?

The most ironic one of all: Pronounciation. AARRGGHH!

DO you think there's ever a context where it's ok to correct people who do these things without coming off like a pedantic wanker?

"It's a little unnerving making polite talk with someone when beautifully heartfelt songs about you and your relationship are on high rotation in the background. Has this happened to anyone else?"

Sometime soon I'll have to spill the beans about my date with P.J. Harvey. I love Dean's (cafe), but...

how was big day out? -i want details..
did i miss anything?

Anon: slap him in the face WITH your tits. You will both find it very satisfying.

Whoever suggested Eat The Menu as INC's band, you may not have that one as it was an Adelaide band of the 90s. It did, however, contain several members who were not Craig.

And anyone could claim to be in TISM, although that's arguably not an 80s band either.

Also, bad grammar gives me the shits so much, especially misused apostrophes, and even more when it's been printed in a catalogue or a similarly corporate-style publication which would have been checked by a large number of people before going to print. (I love long sentences, though, much more than diminutive ones, and disjointed unrelated thoughts tacked on to the end of them.)

In summary, I don't have a question, I just love to read other people's questions as I find them delightfully entertaining. I think I would very much like to meet you all in a pub one day.

Dear Ms Fits, was there a delightfully entertaining circumstance when you first met Gabi? did you hit it off straight away or did it take several drunken nights at the cherry bar to cement the friendship?
ps a couple more for IMC before we turn our backs and pointedly ignore him - Hoot McKloot, King Snake Roost, Seaweed Gorillas?
Thanks, Helen Hellbound

1.Fits, in response to the other week (I miss a week here and there), Bob Sessions has excellent taste in writers. GO BOB.

2.I've been watching this game with amusement, but for fuck's sake I'm Not Craig, just spill and admit that you are probably Dylan Lewis (Brown Hornet).
Surely we've done every other band whose ever played in the 90s. In Fitzroy, anyway.

3.I loved the question about things people say that piss you off. At the moment I am getting infuriated by the American habit (relatively new) of not conjugating the word 'fit' into 'fitted'.
I haven't heard it said, but seen it written many times: eg 'Last year, that dress fit you well.'
Is that not the most annoying thing ever invented?

4.BAGS ME WING DEFENCE. I am stubborn as all hell, even against those tall girls from Broady with the long nails and tear-inducing sledging habits*. Plus I suck at every other position.

* I have no idea if I still am or not as the last time I played netball was approx. 19 years ago.

5.All the Friday Q&A questioners in a pub. Now that'd be fun. And, I'd imagine, quite strange.

6.I actually went through a D.I.G revival last year. I don't know why.

RYWHMFQ&A in a pub!

INC's band would finally get a gig between tracks on the ex-Mr Fits's semi-autobiographical love record and the sublime sounds of Anonymous's pregnant tap-dancing and tit-slapping. Not to mention bees escaping bonnets and beans being spilled.

there's a concept album right there...

The RYWHM Community Noticeboard lives on....

Fits, just jumping in with a response to Mr Alan Smithee because I am huge fan of his extensive body of work and am very excited by him imminent visit to Melbs. Perhaps he is planning to shoot his next film here.....

Mr Smithee, CBD-wise I recommend parking your posterior & associated hardware in Degraves (Street) or one of the cutie cafes in Block Place. These places can get crowded (being so petite) so avoid lunch or dinner. But best ask the staff how they feel about you parking your laptop for extended periods.

Should you be high on the hotness &/or coolness quotient they could be rather pleased with your window dressing (funny I tried to check IMDb for your mugshot but there's no pic there).

The Journal Cafe in Flinders Lane is beautiful. And maybe St Jerome's in Caledonian Lane altho' not sure if they're open during the day.

Dear fitzy. I have met Mr Birmingham, about half a chapter of one of his books is set at my house (i have the house with the inflatable Scream in the WA chapter of Dopeland). He didn't really seem the type who was up to maintaining complex double lives as Sean Condon, what with all the drunken confusion and throwing up on my lawn. I didn't really have a question, but I guess I'll ask if you've ever suffered the indignity of having well known authors record your intoxicated shenanigans in print for posterity?

I will add that while Mr Birmingham maintains that he has heard of someone receiving oral sex on the basis of knowing some of the people mentioned in Felafel, I have so far not received any sexual favours on the basis of hosting a whole half a chapter.

bxI've slept with Sean Condon - many years ago, and he is a funny funny man! I had a crush on him that lasted many years, and writing this now I wonder if I still do!

Ms Fits,

I know you have a lot of suitors, but how will I catch your eye above the crowd? I am fantastically tall, if that helps. I don't want a how-to guide, its just depressing to come on here and realise my stalking is for naught, as you have a bevy, a panoply, even a cornucopia of mannish attention.

This stems from a recent night where I was asked who was on my celebrity crush list and realising it was you, Asia Argento and Helen Mirren.

Anyway, questions:

1. Why does Clem Bastow have an Age blog and not you? I quite like Clem, but surely... c'mon now. And a second prong.. why does the Age website have so many spelling errors? These two factors are not necessarily connected.

2. You think this is the real Quaid?

3. Gyms; are we still right to mock those who make use of the stationary equipment or necessary evil considering the modern world's diet of profiteroles and beef jerky?

4. Try this:
- One Ryvita
- Light spread of vegemite
- Three-four slices of avacado
- Light sprinkle of paprika
- Thin slice of gouda
- Alfalfa (I know - trust me)

Avacado and vegemite are secretly having an affair, and if you want to catch them in the act, you need to provide the best seedy hotel there is. The human mouth.

5. Read all of Martin Amis yet?

6. Worst pick up line: "Want to come back to my place to drink beer and butt-fuck?" Follow up: "what, you don't like beer?" Heard at the Big Day Out.

- Not Lara Bingle

Would "future employers" really bother checking the internerd for posts to forums and whatnot to check your behaviour? I'm rooted then as my name is all over the place and in the legal files of the Nine Network (that was a while ago though.)

Let me just say that I'm certainly a sloppy writer who says crap like "I dunno" and "alotta" on occasion. However I do believe that in the sentence below that myriad is used somewhat incorrectly. There should not be an article in front of myriad. It would be similar to saying, There's a many of them drive me nuts.

"There's a myriad of them that drive me nuts and make me cross inside even though I keep it cool on the surface so you'd never know that you'd forced me to seethe with your poorly considered dialogue."

But I'm a lazy seppo fucktard and I make alotta mistakes so it's possible that I dunno what I'm talking about.

Finally my question. Do you think that email is having a profound negative effect on written communication.

p.s. Zmog! i tnk ure hawt n' kewl n' smexy. Wan swap pix w/me? U lik 2 partee cuz i gib gud pzzy akshun?

What the hell is with Tim Blair and his storm trooper fucktards ? Who appointed them as the right-wing minders of the Interwebs ? Does he spend all of his time reading left-wing inclined blogs hoping to find something to be incensed about ? Or is there some kind of right-wing bat signal that lights up whenever right-wing sensibilities have been offended - "Quick, Bolty, to the BatCave".

Can't we just be free to write whatever stupid thing we like on our side of the fence, and let them come up with their own stupidity on their side ? What possible enjoyment is gained from wasting electrons going back and forward with pointless abuse of someone whose position you're never going to agree with any way ?

Why can't we all just get along ?

Anyway, this is less a Friday Q&A question than yet another pointless rant consisting of a bunch of questions to which there aren't any good answers. Move along, nothing to see here.

Hi again, fts.
I'm so excited!
Crochet bikinis are coming back!

www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2007/
01/31/0131webst_underwear2.jpg

I expect to see you with carefully positioned nipples at a nearby beach this very weekend!

Painfree

Aaaaarrrgggggh this is doing my head in.

For a game that has no rules (and, many would argue, no point) we seem to be getting a lot of challenges to answers and demands for recounts. Why?

I am deeply confused. How many are we really up to? Do I have to tell you now or not? Will everyone hate me when the answer turns out to be as big a let down as I have been telling you for months that it would be?

So, before we get to the biggest clue ever, in fact so big it’s pretty much the answer, let’s build the suspense by dealing with a couple of this week’s entries.

Zzymurgy
As to who guessed Eat the Menu, that was me. I’m standing by this one. They were originally from Brisbane, but relocated to Adelaide around the time they recorded “Whoosh”. They then moved to Melbourne in 1997, got a deal with Polydor and changed their name to The Mercy Bell (because Eat the Menu is the name of an old Sugarcubes song and the record company were unaccountably nervous about upsetting Bjork). After a few more gigs and a truly surreal performance on the Midday Show with Kerri-Anne, they moved to Nashville and we never saw them again.

I am slightly surprised that you objected to the inclusion of this band, but not to the Gin Blossoms. They were from Arizona. They have never even been to Melbourne.

Helen Hellbound
I have been trying to get people to turn their backs and pointedly ignore this thing for weeks. It hasn’t worked, mostly because the lovely Ms Fits keeps asking me more questions and it seems rude not to answer, SHE GIVES US SO MUCH AND ASKS FOR SO LITTLE IN RETURN etc

Big Matt Stud
I’m surprised that RYWHINC does not already exist. I would be honoured if it did.

And hang on a minute, THIS is my 15 minutes of fame? A bunch of people who don’t know who I am naming bands that I was not in? Damn.

Sublime
Really, really not Dylan Lewis.
Really.


And so to the Really Big Clue™.

My wife suggested that at this point I should announce that I played violin for the Corrs, but I can’t do that as Gigglewick has connections to that particular Irish supergroup and I would surely get busted.

So, as an alternative, if anyone actually wants to know the answer it would probably help if you looked at my profile, where in addition to the way cute picture of a coffee drinking tiger, you will also find the names of not one but two bands that I used to play in. And when you say “WTF I have never heard of these bands” I will get to say “See?”


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CAN WE STOP THIS NOW PLEASE?

INC

So you were in the Cure ? Which one were you ? The fat one who wasn't Robert Smith ?

i'm not sure if i have any questions, but it's just so warm and conversational on this thread, so here goes:

1. subby, you can be wing defence. i'm happy to play anything except centre.

2. INC - i'm laughing at this fine mess you haven't gotten yourself into here. hoping it ends soon. i can feel your pain.

3. the age website, probably like the age hard copy, would be a bit thin on subeditors. they are just an extra cost and who cares if there are a few mistakes here and there, and writers are meant to proof their own work as much as possible. i care alot, which leads me to 4:

4. the thing that drives me wild these days is that amongst children under 16, a new form of versus has appeared. it's "verse" used as a verb, ie i'm going to verse you at tennis, collingwood are versing esse'don (grrr, another one)

this is serious because it makes me want to throw small children against walls.

5. my other gripe is "taa". i hate it when people say taa to me. sorry, but there it is. i suspect there is a correlation between taa and haitch. what do you think? this is going to upset my boy if he reads this, cause he's started saying it to me, for some reason. 3 years into the relationship.

6. i do have a question. i know you're an only child, fits, but i swear the new girl on neighbours who plays lou's "daughter" lolly is a version of you. i'm hoping you won't be offended by this, not like with the comparisons people made re you and melanie howard.

7. i have another question. did you know i am getting married on your birthday? spooky hey?

8. one last one. i'm going to a pink poker party on saturday night. there is also another engagement but miles away. should i try to go to that as well? i'm old in the bones though, and i just don't think i can do that sort of thing anymore. what incentives might there be?

so that's really only 3 questions.

Ms Fits (and indeed all RYWHM observers),

What is your attitude toward referring to a recently met female as "darl"?

I myself see it as the feminine version of mate: ideal to be used if you don't know/are too drunk to remember the subject's name while involved in casual conversation. My last experience of using darl however saw the recipient proceed to immasculate me (all the while wearing a most affronted countenance) by potting the final 5 balls to thrash me in the game of pool we both happened to be competing in (I tell you Eddie Charlton would have been happy with her sublime display). Is there a chance she had mistaken "darl" for "oi dickhead" or is darl to be left in the 1950's burlesque houses?

Fits, as a woman with a finely tuned taste in the fellas, what are your thoughts on Waleed Aly?

I find him quite attractive (and not just because of his articles).

I like neither bacon nor avocado.

Does this mean I will never find love?

All sorts of spunky men have gone from keen to cold after I've wrinkled and turned up my nose at the suggestion that I might like to taste their bacon and avocado roll*. I would have thought they would find it charming that I'll never steal their favourite snack from the 'fridge.



* not a euphemism.

Yo Lady Fit-tastic,

well, I went along to the Big day out, enjoyed it, but like you, left with a bitter taste of age in my mouth. what has happened to the world? Did I make a wrong turn and end up napping with that guy from that Nursery rhyme I can never remember the name of? All of a sudden I am that old guy in the crowd all the young ones avoid, and I'm not even 30 yet!

Anyway. Am very envious of your interview with Peaches. Had never seen her before and was dragged along by a mate and left wanting more. She made it into my "highlights for the day" along with Muse. I know, I know, where is my support of the local music scene? But I did sit through Eskimo Joe! And incidently did my thing for the older musicians and saw a very tired Violent Femmes.

so... question.... what was Peaches like, and is her Drummer single? I don't quite know how to put this but that Vixen of the Skins left me with quite the heart murmur!

Ms Fits, I have been reading all the comments left by the Blairites, and I'm so terribly distressed by it all. So I have a couple of questions:
1. Is it really blogging if all you do is post a link and say ner-ner-ni-ner-ner? (as the delightful Mr Blair seems to think)
2. Do these nasty people not realise the irony inherent in there hate-filled vitriolic outbursts?
3. Why can't we all just get along & etc? Indeed, where is the love?

And, um, thanks for the lovely blogginess...

i second actonb's numbers 2 & 3 above. i just caught up with all the hatiness at the other post. let me just say for the record, i GOT where you were coming from, and there is a lot of irony in their vitriol.

why are people so unkind?

Dear Ms Fits




There appear to be huge gaps between each paragraph in entries on your blog. Each gap equivalent to about 3 or 4 lines of text.




Is is meant to look like that? or is something wrong with my browser? (I am using firefox).




Your blog has always appeared this way on my computer. I don't know how it appears on other computers, as I've never checked. None of the other blogs I read (including other blogger blogs) have this strange effect.




This unnaturally large spacing only occurs in your posts. The comments section is usually OK (except for this comment, where I have deliberately tried to duplicate the effect).

I feel a bit of an anachronism because I don't know who Peaches is. I first thought it might be an uber-cool Japanese author who wrote graphic gothic novels but I must have an over developed imagination, as it has become obvious she is a musician.

After reading your post X it seemed to me that you are in fact falling in love at this very moment. Is there anything better than falling in love?

Speaking of peaches, I bought a piece of carrot cake the other day and asked the young sales assistant: "Do you have any fresh whipped cream?" Sure etc. Turn my back for a moment and see her finishing applying cream right out of a can all over the cake. So, if I may: How hard is it?

And now I am really pushing your commitment here - especially to a meek anonymite - but, where are all the Snowdens of yesteryear?

Fondly.

Tim Rogers actually reads his Myspace page? I have printed out his swear-filled messages to me and will treasure them forever!

Hiya MsFits,

Long time lurker, 2nd post. (First was done as anon).

And it's not as if I'm posting this late just to catch you out or anything, haha.

Genuine question: do you get much fan snail mail? More specifically, did the production offices of 'the horsey show' ever forward you a letter sent all the way from the old country a few years (3, approx) back? Never heard anything, politesse notwithstanding. Or maybe that was the problem? If I'd known you were this raunchy I'd have enclosed a pic of the little General; now that would have ensured a response, I'm sure.

And hey, I didn't come all this way to stalk you, so relax.

Have to add, what happened to you at the Japanese restaurant this week was just the coolest thing! Will have to try that sometime on someone. Just wondering, since they left while you were still eating, how did they work out how much... ah forget it.

Great blog, btw.

So Ms Fitsy,
Have any wise boys sensibly acted upon Wednesday's advice and rustled up a few our your kisses as yet? Surely Melbourne boys recognise a good thing when they see it (apart from football teams, of course).

Have you ever thought of following the Dockers?

Lastly, when is it still too soon to meet my lovely girlfriend's parents? They are up in London soon from deepest Devon, and while she by no means pushed at all, she just made a few casual comments, and left the ball in my court. Whilst I know that it won't be an issue to her if I don't (and it doesn't actually concern me...too much), how soon is too soon?

Oh Learned One,

I currently live with my girlfriend and am somewhat in love (isn't that lovely).

I am staunchly north-of-the-river and until recently I thought she was too...

However, she has recently expressed an overwhelming desire to live in ST KILDA *gasp*. She wants to move immediately.

Who the hell actually wants to live in St Kilda anyways?

What in the name of all that isn't shiny, tanned and hairless am I to do?

Please advise.

Nony Mouse

Kranki you are correct about myriad. It means 'thousands of'; so saying myriad of is like saying thousands of of. It's like saying ATM Machine.

MG: Cool. WD for me. And what incentives do you need? Ro, Elaine and I will be there. And Ruby. And maybe more???

I'm Not Craig: I'm so relieved that you aren't Dylan Lewis.

Fits, Sorry to add to your huge list again, put it on next weeks if you like, but I had another blog dream last night where I was hanging out with you, Clem and Lorelei, for someone's birthday, which was nice cause we were all dressed up. Clem morphed halfway through the dream into being blonde Lithuanian, and you had a short 1920s bob with a short fringe and it really suited you. Must be the Anais Nin reference. Would you ever consider doing this?

Also, how do you cope with people being jealous and envious of you? I find some people attract this more than others, for no apparent reason, and it is the stupidest thing ever.

God, now I sound like I had 3 espresso cocktail thingies for breakfast.

Not really a question, Ms Fits.

But what a week you've had, eh? Hopefully, the nasty little critters will slink away and leave your blog to your usual kind and witty commenters.

Was it nice being refered to as the Spencer Street Soviet Honeytrap this week? And what do you think of the Hardy Watch site, are you behind it?

your own boylesque troupe?
check out san francisco's
www.sfboylesque.com