Friday q and a #56.
Yesterday a day for the best prank phonecall ever in existence, which I will tell you all about on Monday (prepare to be dazzled in the wrongest way possible). Today a race through Melbourne, trying not to think about moving house (SOMEONE PLS FIND ME A HOME KTHX), bearing witness to the lovely CW Stoneking, chasing Gen's new band around town and hopefully winding up in some dusty tequila bar talking about asyndeton and parataxis.
I am feeling strangely panicked and anxious to get through all these questions, though. Why this sudden sense of urgency? Can someone please turn the lights back on?
sublime-ation said...
Fits, Sorry to add to your huge list again, put it on next weeks if you like, but I had another blog dream last night where I was hanging out with you, Clem and Lorelei, for someone's birthday, which was nice cause we were all dressed up. Clem morphed halfway through the dream into being blonde Lithuanian, and you had a short 1920s bob with a short fringe and it really suited you. Must be the Anais Nin reference. Would you ever consider doing this?
Also, how do you cope with people being jealous and envious of you? I find some people attract this more than others, for no apparent reason, and it is the stupidest thing ever.
God, now I sound like I had 3 espresso cocktail thingies for breakfast.
Dang, espresso martinis for breakfast...now you're talking.
I'm not sure what to say about your dream apart from agreeing that Clem would make a really hot Lithuanian and that it's unlikely that I will be cutting my hair into a short 1920's bob as when cropped I tend to resemble a surly Italian boy with an afro even with desperate straightening efforts and 'products' applied. Also I like the idea of growing old with some dumbass long hair and pigtails so that schoolchildren point and snigger at me on the street I DO NOT FEAR THEIR MOCKING.
re: Envy...I don't know, presumably you're referring to last week's entertaining torrent of abuse. I never assume that kind of shit comes from people being jealous of my freewheeling super awesomeness lifestyle, just that they don't much care for me and my ilk. And that's okay by me; you can't please everybody.
meva said...
Not really a question, Ms Fits.
But what a week you've had, eh? Hopefully, the nasty little critters will slink away and leave your blog to your usual kind and witty commenters.
Trust me, considering the parade of insanity that was merrily marching through my day to day life last week, having a few righteous conservatives drop by and test out their swear words on my website registered very little. As my new email friend Nic so nicely put it: 'In all honesty, I'd never heard the term "anal slop cheese" before, so at least we all learned something, right?'.
Anonymous said...
Was it nice being refered to as the Spencer Street Soviet Honeytrap this week? And what do you think of the Hardy Watch site, are you behind it?
Oh, it was magnificent. Add that to Andrew Bolt's 'pushing society into an abyss of moral decay' and I start acquiring myself a pretty sweet cv.
I am not behind the Hardy Watch site, though I think it is truly brilliant and whoever invented it deserves a jug of nice beer.
alf said...
I am not sure if I should request forgiveness for my over-cleverness or admire your perfect response: Snowden being a character in Catch-22, and the question unanswerable. No big stick, just trying to expedite your task and teach myself html. As anon, I also accused you of wasting 2.2 seconds elsewhere, but things have got mighty strange around these parts of late. As a neophyte how else would I have seen a picture of your breasts? (PS That's rhetorical.) Much praise for thine equanimity.
Respectfully,
az
I feel eight shades of foolish now, alf. It's been far too long since I've immersed myself in the pages of Heller's perfection and the fact that I could let such a reference slip through my fingers just shows what a vacuous dumbass I've allowed myself to become through the pursuits of men and demon liquor. Please don't think less of me and as a neophyte you would only have to ask to see a picture of my boobies and I would provide as I am the height of politeness just ask anyone.
groverjones said...
I'd like to raise Melbourne Girl a 'if things happen slightly earlier than expected we may have a baby on your birthday.' (and her wedding day)
That's one-upmanship, not a question.
This is a question: Does the vitriol from The Blair Burn The Lefty Witch Project get you down 1) because of the personal attacks, 2) because there are people out there who would make those attacks or 3) not at all.
And if I may, what have the Better Homes & Gardens people done to 'Getting Better?' Every year they make it less recognisable and more trite. Who is responsible?
OMFG IF YOU HAVE A BABY ON MY BIRTHDAY YOU ARE CALLING IT FITS JNR OR BEGONE WITH YE.
I will also accept the names 'Baby Ms', 'Fitsette' and 'Fitserella Cut It Up One Time'.
1. No, the time when I might've flinched at that kind of vitriol has long passed. There's only so many times people can call you Sucky McSuckface Suckington the Third before it starts to grow kind of tiresome and you realise you probably have better things to do than worry about why those who are completely morally opposed to you in every way might think you're a fuckhead.
2. I had no idea what you were referring to with 'Getting Better' until I googled and found out it was the theme song. Why on earth do people take it upon themselves to tackle Beatles songs and systematically sexually abuse them for the purpose of vitabran-esque televisual improvement series? I don't know who's responsible but you can be certain I'll look into it for you.
Providing, of course, that the baby is named as previously discussed.
anthony said...
Hello to the fitsiest fits of them all. First time q+a'ing in a while, life has been a little too hectic.
Was Crystal's mysterious ex I'm Not Craig? We have to know.
As far as St Kilda, yes, St Kilda proper is not particularly fun. But the bit across the highway that was once known as "Balaclava" until the filthy scumbag real estate agents got it renamed "St Kilda East" is nice. I'm biased, of course, because I've lived around here for something like 10 years now. And yes, Punt Rd is a horror - I'm dating a lovely lass from Northcote, so I'm far, far too familiar with that trip.
My actual question: What's the best way to indicate, in a polite way of course, that no, I'm really, really not interested in having a talk right now when you're out having a quiet beverage? I had a recent scary occasion when I was sitting having a nice post-work beer or two. You'd think that a book and a set of ipod headphones would be a solid indicator of "no thanks", as would trying to mention your girlfriend as often as possible. It turns out that no, this isn't actually enough for some folks. Can you suggest some polite form of words that might get through to even the most persistent?
I'm not sure who Crystal's mysterious rock n roll ex is, anthony. I was thinking more along the lines of Angry Anderson. I have no idea why; maybe I'm just ill in the head.
In terms of your question, as a fellow lone-flier diner and drinker I can certainly empathise. Why is it that people feel sorry for us and feel the need to perch themselves at our table for long and involved discussions about Old Spice and Italian food? Can they not see we are in a blissful silent place, filled with Ernest Hemingway and gin? Why should we suffer for their inability to see the beauty in solo downtime?
You haven't been clear about whether your harassment came at the hands of some random or a passerby companion. Randoms are kind of easier to be rude to as you hold no obligation to bump into them at a later date and apologise for the one time you yelled CAN YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIGHT I AM TRYING TO LOL AT SEDARIS, so if an idiot friend is quietly persistent and does the old 'perhaps I'll just pull up a pew' schtick I suggest intimating that you are borderline suicidal and requiring time to 'process' some 'deep shit' and then stare at them with teary eyes before they back away and leave you to your heavenly place.
richardwatts said...
Anonymous said...
A friend of mine keeps asking me to show him my tits. He isn't interested in the rest of me, and continues to tell me how horribly ugly I am, but only when other people are around. When we are alone together he is really nice and we have a great time, but otherwise he is a total arsehole. Should I show him my tits, or slap him in the face? Or both?
Neither, Anonymous. You should set the misogynistic prick on fire than dance around his flaming, flailing body cackling in inspired glee. Then go out and find a bloke who likes you for all you are, not just one part of your anatomy. Seriously - this guy sounds like a turd on legs, and I have NO DOUBT you can do much better.
I love when Richard Watts gets all cross and satanic. FEAR HIS WRATH, MISOGYNISTIC MEN OF RYWHM.
richardwatts said...
Who wants a hug? My shout.
Yes please. I'm a slut where hugs are concerned. *pours poor and ailing self another glass of red FOR MEDICINAL PORPOISES and wonders where it will all end*
Whenever I hear about you knocking back wine in your genius apartment I want to come over and get shickered with you, Watts. Anyhow, it will end on Tuesday when we have a date to see the new Bettie Page film and may I assure you at this point there will be free hugs available for anyone willing to pick me up in the air and spin me around like an overexcited puppy.
BEVIS said...
Adelaide Kane, who portrays Louise "Lolly" Carpenter on Neighbours, is the single WORST actress ever to be featured on the show's entire 21+ year run.
Yes, I am fully aware of the magnitude of that statement.
She is abysmally terrible and makes me want to stand up, reach my hands through the TV (not to mention time and space), and strangle her.
That's the extent of her similarities with Ms Fits' own appearance on the show.
*boom-boom*
I am - of course - kidding about that last part.
Having had the good fortune to act on stage with Ms Fits at one point of our pimply young lives (I was pimply; Ms Fits was not), I can assure you all that her acting is in fact top notch and highly professional/enjoyable/admirable/astounding. She is not as bad as she likes to pretend.
There is a picture of Ms Kane on this post (second pic from the top).
Personally (and with all due love and respect to my good friend MelbourneGirl), I don't see what MG believes is the supposed likeness between the pair (is there more to it than just the colour of their hair?), but, hey - who am I to judge?
I'll tell you who: I AM BEVIS!
That is all.
Hold on one just cotton-pickin' minute. MG thinks I resemble this young lady?
Rly? Can anyone who knows me in the flesh confirm or deny this?
To be perfectly honest she looks a bit clean to me and I am more inclined to veer in this particular direction
or at least a nice blend of the two, so long as I can learn how to put on fucking eyeliner between now and Christmas.
p.s. Bevis, you are too kind about my erstwhile career as a thespian as anyone who has seen my guest role in A Country Practice will attest.
fluffy said...
Wait, you have to MOVE HOUSE? Wha happened? WHA HAPPENED?
No enormous drama. Gabi and her Bob want to nest away in Suburbarina before the wee bean is squeezed out and I am heading to Bohemiasville to be some kind of deranged free spirit paying excessive rent and trying to beat off all the junkies outside my door who want to touch my bottom.
Honestly. Can we turn the RYWHM Community Noticeboard around for a moment and house me? I'll pay no more than $250 a week and goddamnit I want a bath. Aside from that I ain't fussy. Email me if you know of anywhere and for gods sake GIVE THAT I MAY LIVE, FRIENDS.
BEVIS said...
Question:
Just moments ago I received an email telling me that I won a competition I entered online last week. I never win anything. Except now. I won an iPod nano.
I plan to give it to Wifey, because she's wanted one for ages but we haven't been able to afford one.
I kind of need to scream about my win here on the blogosphere where she won't find out about it. Is that okay?
I WON, I WON, I WON, I WON, I WON!!
I'm VERY excited.
Also, does the fact that I entered the competition purely to win an iPod for someone else (and now that I've actually won one and will STILL give it to that unsuspecting person) make me, like, the BEST PERSON ALIVE??!
(Calm down, BEVIS - it's only an iPod!)
I can't help it; I'm very excited to have won something we weren't in a position to spend money on but I knew Wifey really wanted.
(How excited ARE you, exactly?)
So excited, I'm typing up both sides of this conversation.
*Clears throat, slightly embarrassed*
I'll go now.
Bevis, look at you! You won an ipod! And you are giving it to your beloved as you are sweet as pie! YES THIS OFFICIALLY MAKES YOU THE BEST PERSON EVER.
What did you have to do to win? Was it a 25 words or less thing? Did you do a limerick? 'There was a young blogger named Bevis*' etc? Come on, spill the beans so we can all win one too.
*I really had no idea how to wind this particular limerick up past you having something caught in your 'crevice' so thought it best to just let it taper off and die.
Simon said...
Perhaps it's time to give q and a, a rest? Realistically, for most of these questions people might as well be asking a mirror- Do you love me? (Simon is slightly guilty). Supplied information is very good, you are more than capable of taking on the red shirt and cap of those helpful people in the mall, but having to answer the thoughts of every pissed brain moocher with insomnia seems to be wasting your time, and that of the impatient third party (Simon).
Really, lurve ur wrk
Well, I don't know about that Simon. What on earth would I have to fill my Fridays if I were to walk away from q and a? Work? Recreation? Travel? Seems a bit of a hassle when you think that instead of jetting off to Fiji or writing a novel I can sit at a laptop for six hours and pretend that people like me. Besides which, I love each and every pissed brain moocher who bothers to post on this here blog and am consistently humbled by the far-reaching nature of their queries so until they stop asking I'm just going to keep quietly clocking in each Friday and making with the hellos.
The Last Scientician said...
Apparently, the word "myriad" can be a noun or an adjective. When used as a noun, "a myriad of knickers" is acceptable, while "myriad knickers" is appropriate where it's an adjective. But myriad smartypantses reckon it's clever to pick up grammar mistakes from off of people who get paid more to write than they themselves, in fact, do.
Have fun with that sentence.
The only time I ever silence rooms is by booming my voice, which is quite common, but I'm glad you think I'm SMRT. Makes me feel better after the week I've had. A job rejection, a serious life changing surgical procedure on someone inextricably close to me, a threatening inspection from potential homebuyers, a serious closet style skeleton re-emerging after two years rattling quietly, a theft from my car of a valuable portable gaming machine (shrugs) and a cheap car cigarette lighter powered soldering iron (YOU BASTARDS!!!!!), though they had no taste as they left the pile of cassingles on the floor of the front seat... Some weeks, it's just not worth getting out of bed, is it?
I suppose that's a rhetorical question. Aside from the obvious illicit substance and/or alcohol abuse, how does one cope with such bad days/weeks?
Also, have you seen the film Flight of the Navigator? It came out in 1986, and Sarah Jessica Parker actually looks hot in it, being all of 18 years old. Clearly I do not think this is still the case.
1. It's always worth getting out of bed, TLS. Unless you have either a) severe depression, or b) all four members of the Kings of Leon naked and covered in Milo and awaiting further lascivious instructions.
2. Rely on your friends, let them take you out and squeeze your knee under tables, marvel at how the hell you got to deserve such clever and funny companions and maybe if they're such good people it means you're not so bad yourself, and if you can find someone to give you a bit of a spooning* at night then accept immediately as warm human contact can be the greatest soul tonic in the world.
3. I have not seen Flight of the Navigator, no. Are you not still jazzed for SJP? I don't mind her mole.
*Not in a Prison Break way, obvs.
msbehaving said...
Dear Fits,
I wanted to get this into this week's q&a, but due to the unspeakable incompetence of Optus I have been broadband-less for a week. Bastards.
In preparation for the weekend of spa related hotel room debauchery that my beloved has arranged for his birthday,
I have decided to muster up the courage and go get a Brazilian.
I was hoping to glean some wisdom from your waxing experiences, and get some advice on how to cope with the first-time "jesus, I'm going to have to expose my vadge to a complete stranger" wibblies?
Help!
Wait, does this mean I have missed the opportunity to take you by the virtual hand and guide you through your first ever 'all off'? I hope not. Getting your maiden no-one-has-ever-seen-this-part-of-me-outside-of-my-gynecologist-and-a-particularly-creative-ex-boyfriend-named-Anto wax is certainly an intimidating experience, not least due to the variety of pornographic Ashtanga poses they force you to do during. I find the best way to get through it is to remember that as you're holding one leg gracelessly above your head in the manner of a come-hither Russian gymnast your waxee will be mindlessly considering what she's going to do after work as she has seen vagina after vagina parading past her all day as though they were some kind of x-rated Moomba float and couldn't give a texta's toss whether you have a misshapen labia minora.
Enjoy your kinky hotel room, young lady.
Anonymous said...
Fits, what do you make of this.
It's none other than "Kojak" himself, Telly Savalas singing "If" from 1975 - and it's kinda terrifying! I'd appreciate if you could clarify whether this video is filmed through the neck of a long neck VB or the eye of a penis. Thanks.
Dear GOD.
It's no 1927 'If I Could Paint' (from memory they used less half-naked ladies in their music video) but it certainly makes you think and isn't that really what all of us want from our disturbing 70's visual clips featuring Kojak and some sexy broads? Lord knows why the entire thing is shot through a beige-tinged James Bond-esque circle but I for one feel grateful for the arm's length illusion it provides.
gigglewick said...
Ms Fits,
No question: just wanted to tell you that I am very much enjoying 'Confederacy of Dunces', bought after a passing reference to it on your blog some time ago.
That is all. Thank you.
This news pleases me very much, gigglewick. Thank you.
Anonymous said...
Hi Ms Fits,
is it just me, or does Bindi Irwin have a touch of gelfling about her?
love Kali
Actually, I figured she looked more like a Jack O Lantern
But you know, what a brave little trouper and hasn't she suffered and won't someone think of the children etc.
You might've offended our Ruby with yours, however:
rubydoomsday said...
anon,
don't you DARE taint gelflings with that shit.
ruby
Best graffiti in the Tote EVER: 'Bindi Irwin scares the shit out of me'.
Gen and I tried to take photos of each other standing next to it but they came out all blurry as we were most likely high at the time.
Anonymous said...
G'Day Fits --
I've got recurring acne on my left foot, strange huh? Ever heard of such a thing? Think I should see a professional?
-- Jobe
Oh dear. That is a bit strange, though my cunning google doctoring leads me to believe that you are actually suffering from tinea pedis, or dermatophytosis palmaris, plantaris and interdigitalis - aka Athlete's Foot. If you want to try to manage it at home, you should try the following:
1. Wash the feet every day and allow them to dry properly before putting on shoes and socks. You should use a separate towel to dry your feet. To avoid passing the infection on you should not share these towels with anyone else.
2. Wear socks made of cotton or wool, and change them at least twice a day or when they have become damp.
3. Avoid wearing shoes which are made of synthetic materials. Wear sandals or leather shoes instead.
4. Powder the feet and the inside of the shoes with an antifungal powder.
If that doesn't work, yes. Go see a professional.
And may I say at this juncture - ROFLMAO YOU HAVE TO WEAR SANDALS LIKE A GAY ROMAN OR PEDO ART TEACHER etc.
Joseph said...
I don't really mean to do that, Altissima. I am just a bit enthusiastic with the
command instead of using it sparingly for special occasions. Soon I will be switching over to a new exciting land where my friend Joseph will be the boss of me and teach me the error of my ways, so please be patient with my idiocy until then.
Your paragraph spacing is idiosyncratic, but surely not unreasonable. Most screenwriters seem to favour more whitespace than their narratorial kin. And it seems to increase the pace of your prose, which is a good thing compared the turgid stuff most of us paste on the interweb.
But I see Altissima's point, which (I think) is that all this scrolling leads to carpal tunnel syndrome or RSI. So here, Altissima, is a Paragraph Spacing Normaliser. Just for you.
Isn't he wonderful? You should see the pretty things he is in the process of making for me. I am a Lucky Grills.
McDave said...
'Sup Fits,
thanking you for your pic and description of Peaches drummer. does the innards good to know I'm not alone in my crush... although I now fear for my penis in a way I never had before.
changing tack completely, looking for an opinion from someone in the know. I have been thinking about leaving my career in web-land to try my hand in the annals of T.V.-land. Are there any perks outside of knowing what happens on shows you wouldn't watch anyway?
Also finished confederacy of dunces a while back after a co-worker shoved it in my face and said read! Loved it. No question to go with that, just wanted to establish qualifications for admiring your taste in literature.
On the topic of grammar... While mine is quite terrible and my web writing has a tendency to ... far to often, the thing that gets my slightly beleaguered goat is when people use the "word" ironical. As in "I was being ironical!"... And here I was thinking Alanis Morrisette had at least done something for grammar with her music.
*sigh*
I'm sorry I made you fear for your penis, McDave. I tend to do that sometimes when my mind wanders.
Perks of TV land (I'm presuming you're asking about a career in writing): good money, diverse range of styles if you are a freelancer, working from home, chance to impress Neighbours-loving friends by slipping in personal joke.
Pitfalls of TV land: no fucking local drama being invested in so no work, impossible to get regular slot on long-running series, constantly tenuous financial situation unless you expand and become a limp-wristed columnist.
re: Alanis -
BEVIS said...
McDave said, "And here I was thinking Alanis Morrisette had at least done something for grammar with her music."
Well, she got the whole concept of 'irony' wrong in that song anyway. Not one example she lists is ironic. They're all just bad luck.
The silly woman needs to read herself some O. Henry. (< "The Gift of the Magi" would have been a helpful resource when they were writing the song).
All that AND a candy bar. Clever O.
The Last Scientician said...
I just noticed you wrote the phrase a wee bag of happiness in answer to someone's question last week, and I got completely the wrong impression.
OR DID I????
Yes, you did. I was referring to a pint-sized pocket of happiness and not some kind of urine-drenched fannypack. Now stop being crass, I'm trying to work.
la nadine said...
lets build a house, a very big house in the count-ry.
it'd be great. you, me, bob ellis, zippy, and jens, our swiss gardener/housecleaner/manslave.
and now for my question:
as a bonafide member of the latte left, am i legally and/or morally obliged to read shantaram?
i mean, it sounds interesting and all, but...
ITS JUST SO DARN BIG!
You are not morally obliged to read anything, dear girl.
Except of course The Latham Diaries because that shit is 'off the hook', apparently.
elaine said...
Anonymous contemplating a St Kilda residence, DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR AND SAY NO.
I am allowed to say this. I have just moved back to the north from a 2 year stint in the aforementioned beachside suburb.
Pros to St Kilda:
1. afternoon sea breezes
2. easy access to breakfast at Las Chicas on Carlise St
3. near to the Espy and the PoW band room for occasional gigs.
that is all.
The people are COMPLETELY awful, the tourists somewhat worse, the beach is smelly. For equivalent rent, your place of residence will, most likely, be a flat (apartment - whatever they call them these days) and small.
Look, I don't regret having lived there. It was good for me in many respects but I didn't like it.
Perhaps if she is insistent on moving there, you can pause cohabitation for a year or so until she sees the error of her ways?
Not a question, but included because THIS WOMAN SPEAKETH THE TRUTH and she is now back in Funswick where she belongs and can I come around for puttanesca soon please?
meg said...
"Lucky it's use is acceptable in more than one way."
That possessive apostrophe right there? It, like 'myriad', can acceptably be used in more than one way, but unfortunately 'its' in that context isn't one of them.
As you were, TLS. Sorry to hear you've had a bad week.
Possibly a little worse now that his grammar mistake has been pointed out in public, but I'm sure he'll manage. If I can learn the 'myriad' lesson under the watchful eyes of all you pedants then TLS can join me in the dunce's corner of shame.
Anonymous said...
Sorry I have to be anonymous.
Ms Fits, I'm a long time fan of your blog, to the extent that, if I weren't spoken for, I would ask you in an instant to accompany me for a literary discussion at Polly with 35 Capones.
I hope that you did not take the fartings of the Blairites to heart - they are but retards, and they're parents are their cousins too.
Anyway, since this is supposed to be a question thing...what do you think of the White Stripes 'Jolene'? I never liked the White Stripes, especially when I thought they were singing about 'Charlene' (bogans, I thought) but I've since warmed to them.
Anyway, I wish you all the best, and let me say that 'cunty' is too good a word for your juvenile, inbred, feeble-brained detractors...
You don't have to be sorry at all, Anon. Quite alright. But what is a 'Capone'?
Anyhow, I very much like The White Stripes' cover of Jolene and own it on 7 inch picture vinyl which I purchased from them after interviewing them upstairs at the Tote which I did many years ago as I am quite ahead of the 'times' and wish to impress you with my general old-schoolingness and capacity for rock.
Curious said...
simply MUST ask ...
The members of your audience who
* answer Qs asked of you;
* use the comments section in an overly-familiar way and as a vehicle for self-promotion;
* engage in banter amongst themselves (in a way that your real-life friends would, perhaps, if they were all witty, verbal and fun people, as I imagine they are) which is either contrived to ingratiate themselves with you and your readers or odd "acting out" of a persona they are in the process of contriving (namely being you);
... do they actually know you, or do they just think they do because they read your blog?
I just note that there is a tendancy for regular readers of blogs to mark out their territory in these none-too-subtle and kind of sociopathic ways. I'm thinking especially of Sam De Brito's readers on his Fairfax blogs.
Just wondering.
You know, I really think there's a mix of both on here. There's more than a few bloggers and commenters who I make the friendlies with in real life (indeed, a couple that I have been intimately 'friendly' with, the lucky devils), and while there are certainly people out there who may take a familiar tone with me just from reading previous posts I welcome such an occurence and indeed do the same in reverse when some faceless anonymous questioner regularly thrills me with their brain.
Anonymous said...
Howsitgoin Fits et al? (Ok, so I'm blogging from the deep north - norther than Sydney.) What I want to know is, if I am being dragged in to post a comment for the very first time, does that mean my life as I know it is over now that I'm a sad refresh button stalker who should really get a non-virtual life. Or is it that I am buoyed by the sometimes gay company of a community with like likes and dislikes, in short a bunch of funny bastards with whom I feel the need to connect? I was bemused by the Age brouhaha. Newspapers can't be dying if the dating piece stirred up such a nest, while blogging the same yarn may have simply passed through to the keeper. What say you? PS: Now that I have entered the game, I think you should retire QandA. You are far too polite and talented to nail yourself to such a heavy cross of interdependence. Or else, get yourself an editor to cull some.
Hello Anon, I am well and thank you for asking.
I think you should consider the 'sometimes gay' company of our lovely wee* blogging community a blessed addition to your life, young man or lady. Obviously I have to take that particular angle as an admission that this major part of my existence is anything other than spiritually fulfilling would be QUITE SHAMEFUL and I'm not yet prepared to wear my parents or anyone else feeling sorry for me yet, but still. Take comfort from your like-minded anonymous new friends and ONE OF US etc.
The 'should Friday q and a be culled' issue was raised some weeks ago, and I put it to a general vote and the majority of people seemed to think that they're happy with things how they are as they fear change and anyone who thinks it's getting a bit long in the tooth can just skim read and join us again on Monday for the perky bite-sized posts. I really don't mind being 'nailed to the heavy cross of interdependence' (though it does sound mildly painful), so please don't feel the need to step in on my part.
*yes, yes, yes. I know.
Mel said...
Hello, I feel sad for you that you have to move house. Feeling settled and 'at home' is one of the things that makes me happiest.
Also, for the record I agree somewhat with Curious. However I must confess to developing the beginnings of a crush on your questioner Okay, Lara Bingle, who asked "You think this is the real Quaid?" Because IT IS!!!
My question is, what is your favourite way to be hugged? Do you like to sorta mush your face into the neck of the hugger, or tuck your chin over their shoulder? Do you fling your arms around their neck or go for the more diagonal bear-hug? Do you love to be lifted off your feet and spun around? What is your feeling on arse-feelage during hugs?
IS WHO OR WHAT THE REAL QUAID HELP HELP HELP
Your hugging question is so very lovely as I am tactile as fuck. Am I allowed to say 'absolutely all'? I will take any hug I can get apart from those bony awkward ones you have to do with your teenage cousin where they crack a bit of a stiffy part-way through. I love them. Love, love, love them. If you see me out, HUG ME.
*looks around room for huggee*
*settles for patting the dog*
*feels a bit pathetic*
Anonymous said...
*gazes at navel*
Oh look, now we're all doing asterisks.
Why are you gazing at your navel, Anon? Are you having a crack? Puzzling.
MelbourneGirl said...
remember the dreams x 2 about you and houses, fits? and the second was to be in ashboring?
[nodes sagelike]
am i not a prophet?
and remembering dearly departed rogumaze, fuck i hate word verification.
ps re curious. who gives?
You are not a prophet and I am NOT MOVING TO ASHBURTON AS I AM YOUNG AND FREE LIKE IT SAYS IN THE SONG.
Curious replies:
Curious said...
I think it's an interesting topic. Such people try to mark a blog as their territory through the development of in-jokes, or kind of smarty-pantsed referencing that implies that they are "in" with the blogger, while others aren't.
A couple of weeks ago on this blog there were two girls who apparently live together, yet chose this comments section as the medium for a painfully self-conscious, public conversation. The whole exercise was designed (whether consciously or not)to promote their profiles and to appear to be popular. In doing so they were asserting some kind of ownership of the blog. I think (am interested in other people's opinions too).
(I say "painfully self conscious" because their conversation mostly involved the housemates' "pillow fights in shorty nighty" inuendo, which reminded me of that faux bi sexuality that insecure teenage girls sometimes feign to titilate boys at Armadale Station, and the fact that both were trying to mimic Ms Fits' style.)
Are they "single white females", or are they genuinely engaging in an online community etc and so forth?
Or, as I asked originally, are they ACTUALLY YOUR FRIENDS outside of the blog.
Time for a break.
They're all friends I haven't met yet, Curious.
And yes, I am going to some kind of saccharine Full House hell for that Hallmark moment. Apologies.
Lara Kris Kringle said...
Mel, this is in fact, the Real Quaid.
Ms Fits, I have begun a blog after my commentary madness in the flag waving thread, with a friend of mine, on culture, television and a bit of politics. So far it just points out mistakes Tim Blair makes. We are struggling to make it pretty.
Can I have permission to quote the URL here to get a couple of visitors?
Oh, I wish you would. I think the ladies of the blogosphere are starting to be a bit keen on you like IOYC and M. It's only going to go well for you, you know.
DJKL said...
In response to Ryan's excellent suggestion regarding supporting Fremantle*: get on the F-REO Speedwagon** before it gets up too much speed. It is generally acknowledged that the send off provided to Fitzroy by Freo at that last game was kind and respectful and beyond the call of duty, but I acknowledge your pain at losing your team, Fitsy. Anyways my question is: when are you going to come over to Perth and bust open the Wesside with your anarchic shenanigans?
* I prefer not to call them the Dockers as that is a stupid nickname and in fact isn't featured anywhere in their official documentation.
** Not my original joke, actually sourced from www.dockerland.com. By the way have you recently seen the behemoth-mullets that REO Speedwagon rock in their 80s film clips? VH1 reminded me of the horror just the other day...
(BTW word verification = "xasseglo". Surely a new brand name for some kind of kick-arse lip gloss for tha kidz?)
I would absolutely love to come over to Perth, DJKL. A handful of friends were there causing trouble last weekend with the BDO and I was sorely tempted to join. Provided I can find somewhere to live in the next couple of weeks I will make it a priority to get myself over there and drink wine at Margaret River. Not highly anarchic in itself, but YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT I'M GOING TO WEAR WHEN I DO IT.
p.s. F-REO Speedwagon is genius no matter where it originated.
thr said...
What do you make of this?
regards, etc
thomasr
I think her bikini bottoms are so high cut they're going to do her some damage, thomasr. And as for her nipple tassel technique I feel only envy and must away to practice so I may dazzle my family and friends next Christmas Day.
p.s. Aren't you busy getting married now? Go on, off with you.
Anonymous said...
Two questions:
Does having a personalised number plate brand you an instanat wanker? I am inclined to the affirmative particularly those adorned with "UWISH" and "PSYCH". Exception: the fella who aquired "IOU-ANZ".
Secondly, is there anywhere I can get the Bob Brown cushion featured on the Polichicks website? My Tasmanian Emigre' sister and her fiance' are big fans of the "Brownster". Info@polichicks bounced back at me though.
Cheers ears.
1. Oh fuck, absolutely. There's a car parked around the corner from our place with the number plate NVMYPT which took me an age to work out and when it finally became clear I was forced to boot it in the tyres.
2. Hm. I will have to ask our Girl Friday Jane as we have really let the business take a back seat to pretty much everything. If I have one in
Tim Chuma said...
Can I post a link here?
http://photos.timchuma.com/AbsinthClub/
It was a special night and I wanted to show what it was like to be there. I have fallen for some of the performers in the process of trying to cut down the 3296 photos I took on the night to only 400.
Of course. And I do hope everyone enjoys the pictures of Gabi performing in 'full bloom'.
Anonymous said...
helen hellbound:
accidently caught your stint on 774 yesterday whilst in the car & had a good ol chuckle (just the intro bit ofcourse, it was a serious topic). i was wondering how that gig came about? do you now have an agent? i'm not being factitious it just started me musing about your fame spreading to the mainstream world of talkshows etc culminating in yr own show on tv ala letterman etc. this flashed through my brain in 5 seconds and now sounds stupid when i write it down but i stand by my original question. p.s hoot mckloot were a kilt wearing adelaide punk band back in the '90's
I really have no idea how these blessed opportunities come about, I just make sure I nod like a performing seal whenever someone asks me if I'm interested. I guess the 774 thing was due to the combination of the Green Guide and the blog (go figure) and the fact that I have been crazy-eight bananas about Jon Faine forever. I have had a writing agent for years, but don't have a 'talent' agent if that's what you're asking. I'm mostly left to manage myself which is why I'm constantly walking around with a surprised expression and flyaway hair.
God knows where it all goes from here. If only I could tell you who offered me a job the other day. THE HORROR.
pleasedon'tcomparejohnhoward to the fonz said...
I love bacon, avocado and elaine. Do you think there is any chance we could hook up, so she could not steal my bacon and avocado roll from the fridge?
If I took The Fortunes of Richard Mahoney to Text Appeal would I find someone who likes Australian Literary Fiction as much as myself or would I just look like a wet academic?*
In a similar vein: Power Without Glory or The Hard Way?
*I am not a wet academic nor do I desire to look like one.
1. I don't see why not, pleasedon'tcomparejohnhoward to the fonz. Our Wheelie is a catch and a half and from what I know 'on the market'. How should we create this new passionate affair do you think?
p.s. Wheelie if you're spoken for I swear to fucking god I'm not trying to pimp you out and please don't hit me next time we see each other.
2. I think it's worth a shot. You really never know who you'll find at that particular event, although I thought a lot of the ladies made some disappointing choices. Also: who gives a fig if you look like a wet academic? You may meet someone who appears a wet academic-ess but is really a coolsie fox. LOOK PAST THE OUTSIDE AND INTO THE LITERATURE.
3. You mean to take to Speed Dating, or to read? I like The Hard Way to read, and would probably take that if I were the sort of halfwit who wanted to spend the entire evening waving a book around and shouting MY GRANDFATHER WROTE THIS DON'T YOU KNOW until the room cleared.
missy said...
my question is entirely selfish because i'm sitting at working bursting wanting to talk about the hot sex i just had and can't. tell. anyone.
When is it justifiable to duck out from work for an hour (or 2) to get horizontal with - in a naked way - someone you have only ever conversed with at Industry functions...? and is it ok to use a sick relative as the excuse to leave the office...
and now how do i concentrate on my working day...
It is fucking BRILLIANT and COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED ALWAYS and I COMMEND you your adventurous spirit. I have had some lovely sexing adventures during secret duck-outs from the office and know that exact feeling of walking back to your desk with a back-to-front skirt and pink 'I just saw a naked man' cheeks. Look at you, sucking the marrow from the bone. Bless you.
Also: thanks for sharing. If I were in your office I would totally be writing you a squealy girl email right now.
Anonymous said...
ms fits
i am here with what may be the lamest friday question you have ever been asked. but it's interesting to me, so humour it?
about this writing for childrens tv thing. are you still doing it? it's the process that interests me. do you script it, or just write it as a story? do you have to do scripts in a specific manner for them to accept it?
it's the minor things like this that interest me.
secondly (fifthly?) do you ever just feel like squeezing a spot of politics in to the script. for fun, you know?
thanks ms, you are a treasure.
annie
There are no lame questions, annie. I promise.
1. I am still writing children's television, yes. Currently working on two shows in development.
2. The best place to start is writing up a 'bible' with all the characters and story notes and episode outlines. From that you can plot an episode and write a scene breakdown, followed by a first draft. It helps when you're selling a show to have an episode example so they get an idea of the tone.
3. By 'manner' do you mean 'format' or 'style'? Most scripts are set out a certain way format-wise (there's a great writer's computer tool known as Final Draft which has made life a million times easier since it was invented), and in terms of 'style' I guess you just have to make sure you're within classificaction guidelines and not randomly adding in 'Fuck Skip, dad's gonna shit bricks when he sees what Sonny's done to the verandah!'-type lines of dialogue.
4. Oh, absolutely. I do it all the time.
Subtly, of course.
I hope that was of some help to you. Are we in competition now?
*************************
I know there are more questions waiting and I will address them first up next Friday and I'm SO sorry to have to disappear but the dogs require a leg stretch and quite frankly so do I as my eyes are starting to go funny. Have a perfect, finger squeezing weekend and leave your queries for Friday 16th in the comments below and for god's sake if you're in the sun wear a hat and don't get burnt.
I remain, yours humbly etc.
274 days til the next election.
Comments
Pleasure to read as always, Fitsy.
If anyone else wants a shot at winning an iPod nano, simply create an account at http://www.nook.com.au/ and start posting some crap or other. Leave comments on other people's Nooks and post pictures, etc. It's all completely at random but you've got to be in it to win it. Like I was.
The competition lasts for two more weeks, so you can always let your 'Nook' die off after that. Like I will.
It's a poor man's blog, but hey - it got me an iPod nano.
Hmmm... if you're gagging for a place, I'm booting my flatmate for hsi casual attitude to bills/rent. Lovely guy, but an irritating twat with money that's out of my pocket. However, it's in Richmond, previously described on this blog as a wasteland. It does have a feature carpark (the feature is cars) and a thriving cockroach population (if you accidentally consume them, you take on their powers!) You could be living in a hot, windowless room, beside a confused and verbose straight/lesbian and me+gf (she's loevly). Need a good chessplayer to replace Mr. "can I give you the money next Wednesday?"
1. I don't see why not, pleasedon'tcomparejohnhoward to the fonz. Our Wheelie is a catch and a half and from what I know 'on the market'. How should we create this new passionate affair do you think?
I don't know about that, though I'm very flattered that you would say so. I'm really quite dull when it comes right down to it and an enormous disappointment if (s)he was to meet me in, as they say on these here interwebs, RL.
Though if (s)he is a she, I am obliged to warn that the lady love isn't really for me. I tried it out when it took my fancy and well, girls just don't have penises or stubble that roughs you up a bit (in a nice way)and don't make my girl bits tingle.
p.s. Wheelie if you're spoken for I swear to fucking god I'm not trying to pimp you out and please don't hit me next time we see each other
No, not spoken for but my headspace isn't so good at the moment and unless this almost anonymous person finds arriving home in the evening to somone who is likely to be blotchy faced and puffy eyed appealing then I would say it's not quite an ideal time for commencement of a passionate affair.
Of course I won't hit you but I may just hit you up for a hug.
Oh, and as an afterthought, I'd recommend cooking the bacon and avocado roll "to order" rather than pre-cooking and keeping in the fridge for later.
ps if pleasedon'tcomparejohnhoward to the fonz votes for the tories then there is no chance at all.
To put you out of your misery about the Real Quaid, it comes from a great little flick called Total Recall, where a buff Austrian man asks of several assailants; 'Haha - you think this is the Real Quaid?', prompting them to think him a hologram, used in the scene prior to bamboozle them into wasting bullets. He then says '..it is.' and sprays them with Uzi adoration.
The double-bind of hologram and man represents Man's inability to control his violence.
The doppelganger effect represents the split personality of politics.
The uzi represents bullets.
With the introduction of the hologram, Man seeks solace in technology and sin.
Please help Man.
I will unveil the politics and culture blog soon, basically a weekly attack on either Tim Blair or David Reyne, my normal blog is unfit for the consumption of beautiful people.
And your last commenter on your BDO post was right, I misused 'psychopomp'. My year 11 English teacher would kill me.
I was at C.W. Stoneking and yeah, what an aaammmazing show.
Good luck finding a place, too.
(re Bob Brown cushion) "2. Hm. I will have to ask our Girl Friday Jane as we have really let the business take a back seat to pretty much everything. If I have one in my cupboard 'stock' you are welcome to it." (Fits 2007)
Yes please liaise with your stock control coordination strategist. Heard Bob Brown on Radio National Friday morning (having slept at my father's and wandered into the 60+ demographic). Is he the sole crusader in the face of evil or what?
OKAY I do often write its (possessive) as it's (abbreviation) you're not the first to pick it up, and you will no doubt be the last. But as Neville Chamberlain so famously said to the Fuhrer "Get a dog up ya, Nazi wanker".
Or so I heard.
ANYWAY, I am striving for sobriety right now. I did hit it rather too hard. It is punishable by death, or at least it feels that way.
Should I try and get a job with the FAO, teaching starving millions to grow their own food? It's based in ROME!!!! and is paid in US dollars.
Sounds sweet. Except my French sucks arse.
I was at CW Stoneking as well and a very enjoyable show it was, but is the sound at the Spanish Club always that bad?
I dislike the colloquialism 'hospo' for someone how works in a hospital. If that is indeed what it means.
Am I alone?
ps. how = who for the purposes of all of my future questions.
I have it on good authority that Better Homes & Gardens have so bogus post-modernised (or to be honest, fucked it with its pants and a deep sea diver suit on) "Getting Better" that they don't have to pay for their theme 'song'.
Sweet! I knew that writing "anal slop cheese" in an email would get me a mention.
Oh and I finally saw the Town Bikes at the Sydney Absinthe Club night. Quite amusing.
fits. what do you make of the age blog, sam and the city?
I know this has been asked before but why has everything gone quiet on the Werribee DVD incident? Do you think this means no-one is ever going to be charged and how can we find out?
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dear Miss Manners
My question is about stiffy etiquette. When is it acceptable for Mr Little Head to arise during hugging ? What should be done when he chooses to lurch to his feet during an embrace with someone with whom you are not currently physically intimate ? Should one just ignore it and hope that it goes away, or should one attempt to move the problem area away from the huggee, either by moving the bottom half of your body backwards to leave both of you at an awkward angle trying to maintain the hug, or by rotating it by 90 degrees so that contact is made more at the hip area than the crotch area ?
Please remember that this area is one over which we gentlemen have only limited control and that it generally has a reputation for contrariness.
What to do ?
You may or may not be interested to read the Ironic lyrics all fixed up to be actually ironic.
If so, my question is: Are you going to update the sidebar for February gigs and what not? (And more important March, because that is when I'll be in your fair metropolis and looking for actual stuff to do.)
And if not, my question is: Well, fine, just forget it, ok?
Ms Fits, not technically a question (actually, now that I think about it, not even remotely a question), but I have been fairly absent from blog land for quite some time apart from sporadically updating my own blog. I would just like to say that it is a delight to settle back into RYWHM, and glance about with confusion at the new people I don't know, and remember fondly those I do (there is more of the confusion than not... have you noticed how many new commenters you seem to have attracted lately? Go You!)
Thankyou, that is all.
is there any polite way to say 'please stop texting me so incessantly, you're boring as batshit to talk to, i just want to sex you for a bit?'
preferably in a way that renders the gentleman in question still willing to sex me up.
regards, etc
Anonymous, the very carefully constructed "ok, enough of this stuffing around :) I simply MUST have sex with you again. Can you come over?" did not work for a friend of mine recently, though we were sure it struck the perfect balance between cuteness and frankness.
So I would like to second Anon's question, Ms Fits. How does one do that?
Anon: What's wrong with the old school "quiet now – you're spoling the moment"?
oh god, if i reveal too much more i may reveal who i am. don't wanna do that.
anyway - synopsis:
met someone amazingly hot but amazingly stupid who lives in a different city which i will be visiting soon, spent an hour making out in a darkened corner then had to leave. gave him my number and have since been receiving badly spelt, gramatically incorrect texts.
so there has been no sexing, and no chance of actually seeing him for the next few weeks.
i'm worried that if he keeps up the texting the stupidity will get to me to the point i'll 'pass' on the hotness.
advice?
(besides stopping being so shallow and finding people i actually like to make sex with)
Happy valentwang, Mz Fang.
You have become a sex symbol, but sadly I hear you are taken.
What was Tim Chuma's comment that you had to delete it?
You get the plum job of guest-hosting Rage: what are the first five videos you choose?
And how would you say "Rage" (ie "Hi, I'm Miss Fits and you're watching me guest-host...Rage") in a clever and creative way: an alluring, whispered come-hither? A primal scream?
Whyn you suggested the idea of a limerick about Bevis, were you secretly hoping someone would write one?
Just in case the answer to that question is 'yes', here it is:
There was a young blogger named Bevis
Who may be a good friend of Meva’s
His posts about Sweetums
Are so cute you could eat ‘em
Let’s all hope that he’ll never leave us.
are you still looking for a house? and does it have to be dog-friendly? i know of two charming ladies who are seeking a housemate for their palatial home right near the tote, but no pets.
For big matt stud, I don't want to answer your question, but it did remind me of what has to be the best R & B song of all time* (please forgive me, I'll get over my fourfour obsession soon).
* The level has been raised, Beyoncé.
Dearest Fits
Is it just me, or is there something NQR about the Andy Lee-Megan Gale 'relationship'?
In your humble opinion, is it a real relationship or merely a marketing/ product launching exercise?
Methinks in a rough root Gale would break Lee like a twig- they can't be sleeping together- the woman is built like Xena warrior princess/ Shera.
thoughts please
PS do you think google blogger is shit?
Hi there,
I'm basically following up on Curious' question of last week when he touched upon the familiar tone people employ on these comment boards.
I'm a regular reader too, enjoy your work blah blah blah but I find too that there is a tendency from some of your commentors to use this space as a vehicle for their own prestige - ie, an 'in' with you=warm glowy feeling for commentor as you're quite famous now.
This is often demonstrated when people legitimately criticise aspects of some posts (and I'm not talking about the Tim Blair fan club type people) - think 'tree of knowledge' from a couple of days ago. I was quite bemused to see three or four people rush to cut him/her down (boom tish!). To me, it kind of smacked of underlings rushing to defend their goddess and thus curry favour with the divine one. It was a wee bit embarrassing to read.
The second piece of evidence supporting Curious' argument is Friday Q&A. I'm not the first to point out that it's descended into somewhat less of a Q&A forum than a surreal pastiche of futility. It seems to me that the more well known you become, the more people want to connect with you. Commenting on your blog isn't enough - they need acknowledgement. As you don't respond to ordinary posts comment by comment, the only place they can absolutely be assured of being addressed by you is in the Q&A section. Thus we see increasingly nothing questions (or not even questions at all) being asked because people struggle with a)finding genuine questions and b) making them funny enough to 'stand out' and thus garner sweet words from you regarding their sense of humour/word play/uniqueness. It's certainly seemed this way to me the couple of times I have crafted questions.
My question is:
Do you feel people react to you differently on your blog now, and does it ever make you feel a wee bit awkward at how unquestioningly you're revered?
thanks.
PS I'd just like to point out I am neither:
a) Curious
b) tree of knowledge
or
c) a critic of this site. in fact I very much enjoy reading you, think you have an excellent turn of phrase etc but sometimes wonder if people have bought the fame thing a little too easily and are in fact demonstrative of general society's desire to revere notoriety as a sort of trait of human goodness.
What is going on with Sandra "Wasted as Fuck" Sully on the Ten late night news? She stumbles over every third or fourth word, and her inflection was so weird the other night that she sounded like Borat. And that dude who does the CommSec report isn't much better... he always appears to have just ingested a rather large snifter of the cocaines. The two of them "conversing" via satellite hook up is a tragic sight. Is someone allowing this to continue as some kind of bizarre joke?
A few months past, in the condition of general indolence
Which is the universal living room of weeknights,
The ABC presents a lady with bookish thoughts
And the eye is drawn not to wander.
“Who is that?” I out loud ponder, and a homey
Ascribes, “ She is a scriptwriter who looks like
A little girl – it’s the pigtails you see,
And she has a blog, renown for every
Vulgar word that can be found.”
Google does the rest and I do agree, recalling,
My fellow cocktards, the discovery of posts long forgotten.
(Suggest you check the archive if feeling wanton.)
Amongst the je ne sais quoi, I can’t believe it!
Once weekly, just ask and ye shall receive!
The oracle takes our questions, betraying no choice,
Is this the heaving id found voice?
What the bloody hell do I know?
Who cares? You have disturbed, perturbed,
Amused, surprised and confused…
But I have not found reason to hate yet.
Does that disappoint?
alf
Has a song been written that is more satisfying to blast then "Thunder Road?" If so what? 'All the redemption i can offer girl is beneath this dirty hood.....'I cry when i realise I'll never get to see Bruce in his hay day.
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