Friday q and a #6.
Goodness, has it been six weeks of questions already? I'm not entirely sure; I just made up a number a couple of weeks ago and went with it.
Let's get on shall we, it's awfully warm.
The Dark Horse said...
The acronym html is a good example of appropriate use of abbreviation. A bad example is WWW , when is much more simple to say the actual words it stands for than the corresponding letters. I also dislike the hip abbreviation dub dub dub , as it makes me automatically think of Natty dreadlocked toasters and weird echo effects. What do you think, am I just a complete pedant?
I suppose to a degree you could be considered a pedant, but we each have our own personal irritants and I don't for a moment begrudge you yours. I also feel you saved yourself from appearing overly fussy by making a crack about that fucking 'dub dub dub' thing which radio presenters seem desperately keen to use in an attempt to make themselves sound like Chook from Countdown. I don't much care for it either, to be honest.
Golfing Motif said...
But, while on the subject, are water sports and/or coprophilia a healthy part of the seemingly limitless sexual pantheon, or a filthy disgusting perversion, the practitioners of which should be punished and re-educated in the ways of luuuuurve?
I would never dream to instruct someone on the moral implications of golden showers or other dirty toilet sex games. I don't doubt that somewhere in my murky past I have done something that may make a highbrow lady in Kew clutch at her hanky, so why should I pass judgement on others who may revel in someone covering them in clingfilm and using them as a bidet?
I think most experimenting is healthy. AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A 'SAFE' WORD*, KIDS.
*it's best to make your safe word as uncomedic as possible in order to maintain the mood should your air supply be in danger of cutting off.
MelbourneGirl said...
i feel ripped off because you didn't answer my question. of course some adelaide person will rise up and defend. but she did say that she was annoyed by the constant suggestion of adelaide being weird.
so what gives? i'm not on an anti-adelaide thing here, i just want to know what it is.
Well, please forgive me. Last Friday was a particularly trying q and a, and I must admit I do sometimes like it when other commenters chime in with their two cents.
Your original question was:
i'd be interested to know if you have any opinion on whether adelaide as a city is any weirder than others, crime-wise, in australia, and why that is...
I guess Adelaide really does bear the brunt of the shallow grave/stabby stabby/bung 'em in a barrel reputation. Why I have no idea. You can find some interesting statistics here if you wish to further your investigation.
According to the rather complicated graphs on the website, NSW and QLD seem to be the places you might want to avoid if you don't want to be bashed over the head with an iron bar and stuffed into a car boot. But I was skim reading, so draw your own conclusions.
elaine said...
I look forward to Friday q&a every week.
Is this tragic or "normal"?
Well, I look forward to Friday q and a every week. It means I don't have to scan the paper or rape the filofax of my mind to come up with a halfway decent idea for a post. If it's tragic, then LET US BE TRAGIC TOGETHER.
MrLefty said...
What's the appropriate etiquette upon telephoning someone and discoverying partway through the conversation that they are in fact in the middle of a mid-afternoon bath?
I think she felt awkward about it. Was this unnecessary, given that neither of us were using one of those newfangled video phones? I was perfectly happy to just have a chat.
Hehe. I didn't feel awkward at all, MrLefty. I thought you had heard the telltale splashing and might feel odd about it.
You can never tell which of your friends may startle when you inform them that you are naked and playing with action figures. I was just trying to make allowances for your feelings. Next time I will splash with gay abandon.
Old Fart said...
When will you cease idly fantasising that Lindsay Tanner and/or Bill Shorten can smite John Howard at the next election? Will you please urgently (a) acknowledge the incredible hotness of Julia Gillard and (b) get behind her as the Opposition person with the style and substance to lead the forces of righteousness into government?
Hm. I believe I have previously acknowledged the hotness of Julia Gillard. I think she is sharp, witty and the ginger shot in the arm the ALP needs. HOWEVER. I also believe she will be TORN TO PIECES by the men and women of Our Fine Country. She's single, she's SUSPICIOUSLY CHILDLESS (read: clearly dives for muff), she had that weird photo taken in her EMPTY KITCHEN, she has a voice like Wendy Harmer on mogadon...the list goes on. I happen to reckon she is fine as hell, but mr and mrs Croydon will take one look at her lifestyle and say: 'How dare you fucken tell me how to fucken pay for my children's fucken education you WITCH (burn her)'. At least Howard has the requisite amount of children and duly nodding donut of a wife.
Please note that I don't condone this kind of thinking. I just expect nothing more from the press/voters.
With regard to Bill Shorten, I JUST SAID HE'D MAKE LIFE INTERESTING FOR FUCK'S.
And as for Lindsay Tanner...well, I still think he's got more to give. Just watch. I also like his wry smile.
curious girl said...
what kind of female body shapes do you find most attractive?
I like big ol' bosoms, big hips and long legs. Sixties hips drive me crazy. Pretty much any female cast member from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls does it for me. Cynthia Myers makes my pants burn, and I like Dolly Read too. Here she is, just lounging around the house way back when:
I also go crazy for this lady:
'Ring Ring...YOU'RE HOT.'
Anonymous said...
I'm in a serious long term relationship. I have not cheated on my boyfriend.
Sometimes I have dreams about cheating on my boyfriend. I have sex with other people in my dreams.
1. Should I tell him?
2. Have I cheated, in some small way?
3. What does this mean?
I really love him.
Oh, no way anon. You're fine. In my sex dreams I have had a fiveway with the Kings of Leon and woken up humping the bed. It doesn't mean a hill of beans.
1. There's no real need. It might make him uncomfortable, and for no good reason.
That said, if he wakes up and finds you firmly pressing a pillow between your thighs, screaming OH YES NOW MORE, he may ask questions.
2. You have not cheated. In ANY way.
3. It don't mean squat but for you being a healthy, normal person with healthy, normal desire-based dreamscapes. Carry on dreaming, my friend.
Johnny Crunt said...
So anyway, how 'bout a question then? Jolly good! Does this piccy make you:
a) snigger in amusement at both the hilarity of the situation and the sublimely brilliant use of popular culture, speech bubbles and a stolen version of Fireworks by the author?
or;
b) become hideously enraged at the fact the author used the wrong fucking their/they're/there in the caption?
Look, I have to say that the poor spelling does take away from the joke somewhat. Also I'm not sure I completely understand it. Whose milkshake is bringing 'the boys' to the yard exactly? Did that lady's milkshake bring Boonie to the yard? Why does she call it a milkshake when it's clearly a beer? Is Boonie a willing participant in the photograph/joke? What's Fireworks?
Anonymous said...
You have a radio show, Ms Fits? Where can people from different geographical areas get podcasts? I know they're not profitable, but they work for Ricky Gervais.
I have to confess that even though eight hundred people have attempted to explain it to me, I'm still somewhat in the dark about the true nature of podcasts. However, if you want to listen to my radio show online you can get live streaming through Triple R fm. We're on Tuesday nights 10pm - 12am. I will warn you in advance that the show is a complete shambles, but it has been a complete shambles for ten years now, so we must be doing something right.
richardwatts said...
Blind dates? Oddly enough I just blogged about the very same thing. Spoooooooky. Now, where did I put that glass of red wine?
It's next to your bed, richard. Take it out to your sink and wash it, FOR FUCK'S. The glass will stain otherwise.
BEVIS said...
Do you think this is funny? I do. I'm a big "BTTF" fan (like, obsessive - second only to The Muppets), and although it's 'wrong' what they've done to my beloved characters, it's only 'wrong' in a 'shake your head while laughing a lot and not really having any angry thoughts directed at those who did it because it's just too damn good and they're too darn funny and too flippin' clever to have made something so stinkin' brilliant' kind of way.
I couldn't watch the trailer BEVIS, as I have not yet seen Brokeback Mountain and I am the sort of pedantic moron who attempts to know as little as possible about movies they want to see to the point where they don't even want to see pisstakes of aforementioned movie for fear some tiny portion of the plot may be revealed and they'll spend the entire film glumly waiting for the particular plot point to show itself.
That said, I will bank the link for future reference and get back to you at a later date.
Anonymous said...
Ever since I was a little kid I was always the one who visited people or rang them, no one ever came to see me or rang. I only keep in touch with one person I knew from high school in Melbourne - shared a flat with him for a while like I said I would in grade 4.
I don't stay on one side of the Yarra like a lot of people I know and sometimes I think I spend more time on public transport that at the places I am going to.
Why is so hard for people to come and see me? Don't they like me?
Oh, Anon...this is a hard question to answer. I'm sure people like you. Folk just find it hard to get off their behinds and go a-visiting sometimes. Dear friends of mine moved to Mount Martha for that idyllic dog roam free/coffees on the beach lifestyle, and were mortally offended when their number of visitors dwindled to about five. It's not that we didn't love them, they were just harder to get to than normal - and the older we get, the more the minutiae of our lives tends to dominate. People stick close to their partners, stay in bed with bad backs, potter in the garden. Sad.
You can either feel sad for people not visiting you, or just accept that some people aren't the visiting types, and go find them. I don't doubt they would be very happy to see you once they got off the fucking couch to open the front door.
Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits, I am the embarassed caller who asked about analingus last week. My 'girlfriend' absolutely refuses to be the giver or recipient. Should I:
A: Talk it over with her, and tell her it's important.
B. Ask another girl.
C. Join either a Tibetan Monastery (a la Leonard Cohen) or join the Taliban.
Well gee, I don't know. Exactly how important is analingus to your wellbeing? Will you perish if you don't manage to get a good rimming between now and Sunday?
Analingus to me seems more a perk of the job than a workplace safety issue. If it's utterly drastic, then either try a) - but be warned that she may perform it under duress, and there is absolutely nothing worse than someone partaking in a sex act with a screwed-up nose and horrified expression. If you want to explore b) then either be in an open relationship or LEAVE YOUR PARTNER.
I have never heard of an arse-bathing being the be-all and end-all of a relationship, but there you go. Takes all sorts, etc.
Anonymous said...
What is it about me that causes (some) lesbians to tell me that they would turn for me? Could it be a St Kilda lesbian thing? Could it have something to do with them being in their 20s?
Do you think they're sincere? This has happened three times in the last six months, each time after a gig, when everyone's a little beveraged.
Hm. Without knowing who you are, I can't possibly say. Are you on the effeminate side? Are you giving off a 'lady' vibe? Or are you suggesting via this question that all any lesbian really needs is a deep dicking to turn her head? (=WRONG)
If they're drunken, then you may just be caught up in someone else's late-night naughtiness. God knows why it's happened three times. Perhaps you just hang around with a lot of lesbians, and statistically it's bound to happen in any friendship group, etc. I'm sure that on any particular occasion involving Jagermeister (STAY AWAY, CHILDREN) I may have professed my lesbonic love for any passing vagina. I think you should be flattered. However, if they want to get you into a relationship, be careful - it'll be fucking Chasing Amy all over again. AND NO-ONE WANTS THAT.
The Boy Benjamin said...
In your opinion, what are the Top 10 seminal Australian television shows, and why? (Game shows count, as do programs in which you've been involved somehow.)
Also, why is everyone on Australian television so fucking caucasian? Thoughts?
(in no particular order)
1. The Late Show/D-Gen
2. The Norman Gunston Show
3. Countdown
4. The Sullivans
5. Blankety Blanks
6. Anything with Shaun Micallef in it
7. John Safran vs. Ray Martin
8. Big Brother
9. Enough Rope
10. Media Watch
part b) I have no idea. But I have worked on many a series where producers try to 'race cast'. As in: 'This show's looking too whitebread. Let's cast an Indian dj. We'll call him DJ Turban.'
I have always preferred writing solid characters and casting the net wide - so essentially, you write a dj, and he or she ends up being the best actor for the job. It almost seems like reverse racism to ensure you've got a 'look'.
I remember years ago on Neighbours (and I fucking hope someone can back me up on this), when the producers obviously attempted to 'ethnicise' Ramsay street, and an Asian family moved in. This worked well until Bouncer went missing and Julie Bishop stormed over to their house and accused them of eating him.
I can't recall another Asian family in the street.
Anonymous said...
That was the longest most boring post I have ever read.
Hotdogs For Gold in 2006!
Nobody forced you to read it, Mr. Gold. And I hear you're in trouble with the TV Week people. So just you pull your head in.
Daniel Hegder said...
Ms Fits
With regard to the short film, there was a caravan park involved, but from memory it was not you being handled inappropriately but rather a teenage boy.
I don't believe we looked alike, but you did have some memorable lines, such as:
"Fuck you, Kane!"
"Aw, I'll give it a go. Looks a bit limp, though"
"Yeah right!"
I remembered this the other day. My first and last ever sex scene on camera. And in our memories it shall stay.
Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits,
I now know that we have lovely friend in common and I will perhaps one day meet you through this friend. We have already come close. If we meet, would you like me to tell you that I read your blog, or would you prefer I pretend to know nothing about you so we can get to know each other from scratch? I am not sure I would like to tell you that I already know so much about you. It makes me feel like a stalker and that's not nice. Perhaps I should stop reading RYWHM?
I like your Friday Questions and I think you should keep doing them. Our mutual friend does not know that I read your blog and possibly doesn't even know that you have one.
I await your considered response.
Normally I wouldn't mind if you told me you read my blog. I really have nothing much to hide, and it would certainly give us something to talk about other than 'So how do you know (insert friend's name here)?' However, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then don't mention it. I'm sure we will find other topics of interest.
If we become best friends and inseperable and maybe sleep together, then I'd prefer that you drop it into conversation sooner rather than later if that's quite alright with you.
kranki said...
If, hypothetically, your spouse left you, with a bit of a chip on your shoulder, would you access her My Space account if you managed to guess the secret password. If so what would you do besides spy on who she is flirting with? Would sending strange messages to odd desperate guys be the best way to entertain yourself. The entertainment value is very very high and it's obviously and there is quite a potential to getting caught and yelled at and further damaging the relationship, but would you do it anyway?
DON'T DO IT, KRANKI.
No-one ever - ever - finds joy in accessing ex-partners/current partners/soon-to-be partners' hotmail/myspace/text message history. EVER. You are almost always going to see something you don't want to see. And then you will carry that shit in your fucking head for the next hundred years. Why not let them have their little flirtations? If you're with them and you trust them, they're allowed to be whomever they wish online. If you're not with them anymore, they're allowed to move on. If you're going to be with them, you don't want the ghosts of these flirty conversations hanging over your newfound love.
I'm warning you - having tasted both sides of the fence (whatever the fuck that means )- resist temptation. RESIST. RESIST.
Desci said...
M'dear Fits, are you coming to Suicide Girls?
If yes, brill. We shall see you there ('we' being a fellow blogger, a hanger-on, and my boyfriend, who it turns out you've briefly worked with* in the past, and he thinks you're lovely),
If no, WHY THE FUCK NOT? WHAT KIND OF SELF-RESPECTING PERSON DOESN'T WANT TO SEE PIERCED, DYED AND TATTOOED GODESSES (albeit often slightly too skinny godesess) ARSE ABOUT ON STAGE? Are you some kind of lentil-loving queerboy? No, because even they're going. So nyeer.
I'm not sure yet. I do like seeing tattooed ladies in their underpants. But I can stay home and look at them online, and no-one will tell me off for touching myself inappropriately. Will I be beaten to death if I don't attend?
Anonymous said...
Dear Ms,
I am rather enjoying this game of you taking celebrity sides (re: Simpson vs. Lachey.) Here's a few more and if you could give a brief reason (< 5 words) as to why, I shall get even more enjoyment!
Round 1 - Mary Kate vs. Ashley
Round 2 - Which Gallager brother would you tell to their face "the worst musician in their family".
Round 3 - Bert vs. Ernie
Thanks in advance!
Sir Anon.
Round 1 - MK. I prefer brunettes to blondes. And I really don't mind that bag-lady thing she's got going on.
Round 2 - Paul. He's the eldest and not a musician, so I would be well within my rights.
Round 3 - Oh, Ernie. Bert is too fastidious and uptight. He's also certainly the 'keeper'.
Pash-less said...
What is the go with boys who DON'T try to kiss you on the first, or even second date?
Nice dates, dinner, walking, talking, getting picked up and dropped off home, all that jazz. But no kiss. Twice.
What the hell does this mean?? I don't have bad breath, I'm pretty, I'm very kissable!!!
He's very keen to go out again, but what the hell does this lack of smooch action mean?? Is he just being a gentleman, or do I assume that we are "Just Friends".
Dear Pash-less - WHY ARE YOU NOT KISSING HIM?
There is nothing better than grabbing a boy you like by the super-soft ears and sticking your tongue in his mouth. He could just be shy. KISS HIM. If he knocks you back he is clearly gay, as you have listed your attributes admirably.
Scott I said...
Ms FITS...I was wondering,is it ever ok to stop caring about stuff?...The other week I heard that plants are giving off Methane which is partly responsable for this greenhouse thingy.
Couple that with this seemingly impervious Satan backed regime we're living under.And frankly I'm just about ready to say fuck it and take up an interest in sports.
....Help me please!
Oh boy. I understand your helplessness. It does seem somewhat impossible sometimes. But then you have those tiny moments like Bob Brown standing up in parliament to give George W what-for, and you get pinpricks all over your arms and legs and you want to rush outside and start marching with a placard.
Don't give up. Don't stop caring. Enjoy the small victories. And remember - Danna Vale will fuck it up some more, and that will feel nice for all of us.
HornyGirl said...
i'm new to blogging but i think i may have a lot of fun with this.
my question is do you ever really have lesbian encounters and if so how far do you usually go?
also, describe your hottest lesbian fantasy in as much detail as you dare.
i'm the sort of girl other girls hate because i tease a lot and will do almost anything with anyone whos hot (m or f). for this reason i have a lot of male friends who know i'm generally up for something most nights.
many girls would call me a slut but i don't care.
another question; do you think we'd get along or would you hate me too?
What do you mean, 'hate me too'? Do you hate me already? I haven't done anything yet.
Hm. This question does seem like a flimsy pretext for some dirty Picture magazine talk, but I have endeavoured to answer questions reasonably honestly thus far. So.
I do have lesbian encounters, and have been in a relationship with a woman (many moons ago). I haven't been with just a woman in a long time IF YOU GET MY RIBALD DRIFT, but would have no qualms in doing so again.
What do you mean by 'how far'? Do you mean fisting? I have never used a strap-on, nor had one used on me. But I have certainly been up close and personal with a vagina.
I think I lived out my hottest lesbian fantasy when a woman resembling the hot Russ Meyer girls I mentioned before singled me out in a bar when I was eighteen and wandered over to kiss me and 'take advantage' of me in a dark corner. Nowadays most of my girl fantasties involve group sex and my boyfriend.
I'm sure I wouldn't hate you. I don't hate many people.
Tuppence said...
My question is:
"How long does it take you to write these posts?"
ALWAYS MUCH LONGER THAN I EXPECT.
I actually got up early this morning to have a crack at these so I could go have lunch with my cousin, and I'm STILL RUNNING LATE. I keep promising myself to start them earlier in the week, but to be honest I cannot be arsed.
Still. It's a nice way to pass four hours.
Captain Oats said...
Re: reading Who Weekly in the spa.
I wonder if you'd care to share some tips on how you orchestrate the above activity.
I've always found it difficult to keep the aforementioned journal of record free of bubbles and wet fingerprints whilst juggling the obligatory glass of Verve and plate of chocolates. I'm also a little concerned about sucking the melted chocolate from my fingertips on account of the ink that regularly leaches from the front cover. Can you offer any advice on this?
Did you know, by the way, that the poor unfortunate folk of Western Australia must wait until Monday for the latest issue of Who to hit the stands? Do you not feel (as I do) that this amounts to a form of discrimination which surely warrants redress?
I do rather love you and your decadence, Captain Oats. Also you share the same surname as the boy I lost my virginity to, so we are spiritually connected.
Sucking a little ink is often the price one has to pay when dealing with the combination of chocolate/spa/Who Weekly. I'm sure a little Angelina Jolie on your fingers won't hurt too much (YOWZA). To keep the magazine away from the bubbles, it's elbows high all the way. That or turn the other way and rest the glossy on the tiles.
I agree with you about WA. My mother used to have Who delivered until she realised I was reading it three days before she was. WHAT'S THE POINT IN PAYING FOR HOME DELIVERY IF YOU'RE NOT COMPLETELY UP-TO-DATE WITH USELESS CELEBRITY TRIVIA?
I think we should write to our local MP's to address the situation immediately.
Sponky said...
Ok, so about this reading at the table thing.
Its cool to carry a book with you at all times. I do it myself.
What I want to know is, if I'm having dinner with you (when you're in Perth, CALL ME!), do you mean you would just pull out the book and start reading it as I am talking to you? Or just whilst you're waiting for me to arrive or whatever, or perhaps in between main course and dinner?
What about if you're out with a group of people and they're all talking, and you were feeling not really engaged with the discussion, would you pull it out then (the book I mean, not your wobbly bits)?
Thank-you for the dinner invite - though I'm not sure when I'm next in Perth.
I wouldn't dream of pulling out the book mid-sentence. I'm sure you are very interesting and warrant full attention.
I only read at the table with people I am very comfortable with, and even then most often in a group of two. I also prefer it if they read too (this is why I love readers most of all), as it is uncomfortable to be nose-deep in The Information while someone else stares awkwardly at their pad thai.
In a group I would read, yes. But not at a fancy restaurant. Pubs mostly. It's dark. HOWEVER you do have to be prepared for some pissed-up johnny to poke a stubby finger in your face and sneer: 'Looks like we got ourselves a reader' about eighteen times, which is unutterably tedious.
Seppo said...
Ms. Fits,
You've mentioned that a good question would be to ask you to dinner, and while many have made allusions, no one has made an official invitation (unless asking if you would read at the table during said dinner is an invite).
I would like to extend that invitation, for dinner at casa de Seppo, next time you are in the Bondi area... as long as you don't have an aversion to neurotic, ex-chef yanks. Ladies choice for the menu, of course…
Why, I would love to. I am going to be in Sydney in a couple of weeks, but it's only for a night. Next time I am up for longer I will certainly come visit. Please don't be a stalker or serial killer, as that would cast a pall over the meal.
UPDATE:
cuntman said...
1a) Why do you think people are turning to you for relationship/sex advice?
b)Are you now officially a sexpert?
2) When is it time to leave a relationship? Say for example you have been with someone for - let's pluck a figure out of the air - 14 years. And you have, hypothetically, two young children who you are the primary carer for. And, for argument's sake, longstanding resentments have accumulated over time to the point where it is difficult for both parties to be civil to each other for extended periods. Yet you feel as if, with a little goodwill, some stuff from the past (like minor infidelities) could be gotten over, while not diminishing the fact that some other things need to be addressed and the possiblility of reoccurances eliminated. But you know that you are the only one who sees it as a problem with the relationship, rather than a problem with you. And you are also heartbroken at the thought of having access to the children restricted (which is not an unfounded fear, given some previous discussions about separation) if you leave. Oh, and you have also become financially and socially interdependant and will have to choose to start again from scratch or have nasty legal battles over property etc. In order to futher flesh out the scenario, imagine you are 37 years old and have really let yourself go. Could I pretend that this is a question for a mate?
1) I HAVE NO IDEA. Do I give off some kind of competent vibe? Whatever it is, it's misleading. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, etc.
1a) God, I hope not. Sexperts are hideous and have gay as fuck names like 'Dr. Feelgood' and 'Madame Naughtybits'. Also they are fifty.
2) Oh, cuntman. I do feel for
Has your mate tried couples counselling? I know it could be a hideous notion - not to mention at times somewhat demeaning - but it really could help open up the lines of communication and be a place to air grievances away from the children. If you really want to make things work, it's going to take some effort.
That said, if your mate is utterly miserable...well, I don't know. Life's too short to have your heart broken daily. And yes, I know (as someone who has been through the Family Court process) that custody battles can be soul-destroying. But which is better? To eke out a barely liveable existence with seething resentments and guilts? Or a few months of shouting followed by a new beginning?
p.s. 37 year-old men should never worry about 'letting themselves go'. For some reason they still seem to be able to pull hot teenage tamales. Just look at fucking Flavio Briatore.
problematic said...
should you start a dr. fits blog for constant attention and advice for all bloggers?
Oh, I hope not. This one takes up enough of my waking hours as it is.
morgan said...
Fits, the lovely Fluffy linked to an old post of yours on Hospitality Crushes.
Can you please do an updated HC post in the not too distant?
Oh, sure. I have new ones now. The cowboy I used to be in love with who worked at the Napier has now moved to the Northcote Social Club, so I can't try to smell his arms the way I used to.
HC post soon. x
Adam 1.0 said...
Actually I do have a real question. When writing a TV script can you get away with writing a Valentine's Day episode? Is it going to fall flat when somebody reads it in August? I feel that it's a day full of shenanigans that can be ruthlessly exploited for comedy scenarios.
You're right Adam 1.0, but it is all in the timing. The hard thing when writing series television is making it so your Christmas episodes will be on air when it's close to Christmas, cricket episodes when it's cricket season etcetera. That's why so many soapies tie in Save-A-Bilby Day with Harold selling shit at the Coffee Shop.
It doesn't so much matter when it's read, more that the timing's right. For some reason people get their noses out of joint when they're watching Georgie Parker receive an anonymous Valentine in the middle of June. Go figure.
BEVIS said...
So what did you get up to on Valentine's Day? Tell us all the saucy (and not-so-saucy) goodness.
It's not really that saucy. I spent the morning with my parents, saw MattyB in the afternoon and gave him some flowers and a wireless vibrating egg, then we ate dinner and I did my radio show and leered at the boys from The Casinos.
Anonymous said...
Are you a fan of this lady, ms fits?
Put it this way, I wouldn't let my partner make a movie with her. But if she broke into my house in matching gingham underwear and insisted on having her way with me I WOULD JUST HAVE TO LET HER.
Anonymous said...
mac or pc?
Mac please, if you're buying.
Brian McGee said...
My dearest Fits,
Being relatively new the wonderful world that is Melbourne, and you being the social beacon of the new millennium, I was hoping you could suggest 5 venues (or more if you wish) where I could host my ‘So Long 20's’ party? I'm picturing dark and broody meets trashy karaoke. Must have a bar of course, for we must ‘get on the cans’.
If you could list in order of preference it would also be fantastic!
Now I’ve just to make some Melbourne friends between now and the end of March and I’ll be set. Consider this your invitation!!
Wahoo. We're the same age!
Actually, technically you're two months older than me. Which means you could beat me up in a fight. But never mind that now.
1. Sen Bar on Exhibition street in the city is trashy as hell, and you can rent private rooms AND they bring you tequila shots on a tray (you must pay for these, freeloady).
2. I went to a rooftop barbecue last night at Jankara, Level 1 246 Russell street city. They have karaoke downstairs and you can rent the barbies upstairs for thirty bucks. It was small and dark and cool as hell.
3. Shoya is amazing, because it has about nine different areas to eat. They've got smokeless Japanese BBQ, Horigotatsu seating, a sushi counter AND KARAOKE ROOMS ATTACHED.
Not to mention it's across the lane from The Denise Drysdale Memorial Lounge, so you can go party afterwards if anyone's still standing.
4. Charlton's is great, and INCREDIBLY skanky. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
5.I'm running out. The Herald Sun rate Hollywood Karaoke, but I'm not sure I've ever been there.
Anonymous said...
i'm visiting melbourne for the weekend... what 'must' i do?
Eat breakfast somewhere spectacular, like The European, or Madame SouSou. Wander around ACMI for a couple of happy hours before having incredible fuckoff tapas at Movida. Take your date for a cocktail at Melbourne Supper Club and discreetly feel them up on one of the chaise lounges. Go to Ni-Hao on Saturday night at Pony and try stay there til 7am will all the melty-faces. Have a Trampoline gelato and on Sunday night end up at the Junkyard Cinemas to see Man Bites Dog.
May I come too?
Anonymous said...
I love my partner very much and we have been going out for quite some time. Problem is, I know we don't share the same values in terms of what we want out of a relationship and so our partnership seems likely to end in heartache in the longer term- for either one or both of us.
Some times I want to look for a new partner who wants things more like me so I am happier and don't have to fight all the time to get what I need. Would it be wrong to start looking for someone else while I'm still seeing my current partner? Do I have to break up with them first and risk losing something that might actually not be so bad before testing the available market?
Firstly, if you don't want to be in the relationship, get out. There is no way you should start scouting new talent while you're still with your partner. Do the right thing and break up with them if you're really that unhappy.
Secondly, there's nothing wrong with being single. Why settle for second best if you're so restless? Make a clean break and if you're so keen to hook up again, you'll find someone. Just don't do it on the sly.
Anonymous said...
For fear of reprisal, just call me anonymous today...
Given what we now know about the mental state of Mark Latham and with Simon Crean having tearies about possibly losing his safe seat to someone who actually has public support...
Is it feasible that the Liberal voters at the last federal election got it right?
Yes, yes we all know that Liberal are very crap too, but surely, in retrospect, they were the lesser of two disasters.
I think that's a very broad appraisal, anon. And who knows whether gaining power may have given Mark Latham the confidence he needed to balance himself out?
If the ALP had won and Latham had still had a meltdown, I believe there are enough good heads in the party to sustain equilibrium. I don't for a moment think that the fucking Liberal voters at the last election 'got it right'. Please speak to me again in a year or so when we're dealing with the repercussions of IR 'reform' and a few more mentally unstable refugees being shoved into airless rooms. I am also looking forward to keeping a close eye on the
p.s. very snide work on the 'having tearies' there, I must say.
Anonymous said...
Am I homesick or just a dick? I spend all day reading Australian Blogs when I should be working, and dreaming about the sun. What's wrong with me. Can homesickness break your heart?
Is loneliness a sin?
Smiley
I guess homesickness really can break your heart. Come home, Smiley. All is forgiven.
Wait, if it's homesickness that's leading you to reading Australian blogs all day...what's my excuse?
And now we are six. Post your questions for next Friday in the comments below.
Thanks for listening. And asking.
x
631 days til the next election.
Comments
i read as far as cynthia myers. then i died a little.
my question for next week is thus:
would you consider my recent fantasy of a threeway with hugh laurie and amy pohler to be "wrong" or "inspired"?
You are correct about Neighbours' Asian family. They were the Lims. You can read about them if you like.
Lori Lee was a regular character a while back, before she left for one of those trendy "procedures" that all the cool girls are having but instead came back with the cutest child in the history of Australian television.
There's a Bettie Page movie coming out, did you know?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0404802/
The actress playing her doesn't look a bit like her, to me.
Please note, failure to attend the Suicide Girls Show will not result in a head-beating. It may result in a Fits-shaped hole in proceedings and some forlorn looking about, followed by smug gushings over said event the day after. But no head beatings.
I've been contemplating screenwriting a bit lately. I am not sure that it's something I'm really built for, but I was just wondering: How does one become a screenwriter? Any tips?
What do you think about people who are on anti-depressants?
Would you trust someone who you knew to be on anti-depressants who seemed perfectly fine and normal - but still, you knew they were taking pills every day....
That is my question.
are you fucking kidding me, rainbow peace?
*takes pills*
*rapes and pillages*
Oi, I meant for this to be one this post:
http://www.apple.com/trailers/picturehouse/
thenotoriousbettiepage/trailer
Oh, and how could I forget new hottie Katya Kinski. Now on Ramsay Street.
Dear Ms Fitz,
Recently I bought a shirt and on second inspection at home I realised that it had a print of some naked women on the back.
The print didn't faze me too much, only that I couldn't ever wear it to anything too serious.
However recently as I have been wearing it out and about there have been some weird little men who have been going out of their way to look at the back.
I can remove the print but it'll compromise the coolness of the whole shirt, but if I leave the print I'll live in fear of some weirdo stealing the shirt off my back to oggle at the naked chicks.
What shall I do?
"I couldn't watch the trailer BEVIS, as I have not yet seen Brokeback Mountain and I am the sort of pedantic moron who attempts to know as little as possible about movies they want to see to the point where they don't even want to see pisstakes of aforementioned movie for fear some tiny portion of the plot may be revealed and they'll spend the entire film glumly waiting for the particular plot point to show itself."
Oh, don't worry, I absolutely understand. I'm exactly the same. Fair enough.
"That said, I will bank the link for future reference and get back to you at a later date."
It's a deal. I look forward to it.
For next Friday:
When is bath time, and can I have your phone number please?
hmmm, I'm not used to answering questions on a Friday but here goes:
Look, I have to say that the poor spelling does take away from the joke somewhat. Also I'm not sure I completely understand it. Whose milkshake is bringing 'the boys' to the yard exactly? Did that lady's milkshake bring Boonie to the yard? Why does she call it a milkshake when it's clearly a beer? Is Boonie a willing participant in the photograph/joke? What's Fireworks?
to be honest, I've never understood the milkshake reference either. my basic interpretation of this has generally been:
milkshakes = boobies
yard = wahooty
we can't see the lady in question's boobies because they're hiding behind her jug... OH YES. so perhaps the boys, or in this case a solitary Boony, did come for her milkshakes... we may never know.
I think she calls the beer a milkshake because she has no idea what beer is or what to do with it. you can see on her lap some sort of instruction manual on how to pour a beer, or perhaps just an introduction to beer, but she seems to have ignored it completely.
Boony appears to be a willing participant but I think he was duped into it. he may be happy to wear his old pyjamas and stand in a glass case for ads on the telly while drinking a VB but you'll notice they're always poured all proper like. if he'd known before this setup that he'd end up with a beer like that I suspect he may have turned down the offer. you can see the disgust in which he regards the vessel and it's contents.
unless the offer was 'Feel like a jug or two Boony?' in which case Boony would have had no option but to check out her milkshakes.
Wahoooty!
p.s. Fireworks is some sort of graphical makin' software. the artist could just as easily have used some sort of Web 2.0, Ajaxy buzzword based online Flickr style photo garbling shenanigans for all I know though. crazy kids.
I'd just like to add to JohnnyCrunt's comment above, that indeed 'milkshake' refers to breasts (particularly if the girl who owns them is dancing and shaking them about), so perhaps she is insinuating that her level of attractiveness is what tempted Boonie over to share a beer with her.
I think just the beer alone would have sealed the deal, though.
Plus: Who the hell leaves a big digital camera alone on an otherwise-unattended table? (See the table behind them.)
And you can consider that last bit an official question for next Friday, if you like.
Also, the link to AJ's pic in this update doesn't work unless you delete the last part from the URL after clicking on it. It should end with '.jpg', people.
Don't thank me; I'm here to help.
Judging by your post of nekkid wimmin whom you enjoy, Im taking you also have a Fringe Fetish? (ie the hairsytle, not alternative arts wank festival)
a) I believe this to be a clost desire of aLOT of people - am I wrong? (I think not!) Could other peoples please post if they are in agreeance?
b) Further, and more disturbing, does this somehow correlate to more parallels being drawn between happiness and everlasting images of a "simpler times" by virtue of the Fringe being a "hairstyle of primary skool kids"?
c) Why do people like "HornyGirl" (*great* nickname by the way, actually, no, i'm kidding) only exist on the interweb, or do I need to start taking E's during the week now?
Best Evers
PS Ang Lee (Neighbours) was HOTT! and she put out (by virtue of getting knocked up to that Irish twat!) AND she posed nude in Balck & White. I conclude by restating, she was HOTT
I have fixed that link BEVIS, thank-you.
Further to the above analysis of the "milkshake" metaphor, I thought I'd provide some context by posting the complete lyrics to the song -- "Milkshake", by Kellis -- from which the jocular comment contained within the thought bubble has been drawn. Please note that I've C&P'd these lyrics from the dubya-dubya-dubya, and cannot be held responsible for the repeated grammatical error, namely the use of "its" instead "it's" (though note the correct use of "they're"), or any other errors that I couldn't be arsed identifying.
I'm also fairly sure that the concluding "FADE OUT" describes the decline in the master volume of the song rather than the shouting of the words "fade out" at the very end of the lyric.
My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,
and they're like,
its better than yours,
damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you,
but I have to charge
My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,
and they're like,
its better than yours,
damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you,
but I have to charge
I know you want it,
the thing that makes me,
what the guys go crazy for.
They lose their minds,
the way I wind,
I think its time
la la-la la la,
warm it up.
la la-la la la,
the boys are waiting
la la-la la la,
warm it up.
la la-la la la,
the boys are waiting
My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,
and they're like,
its better than yours,
damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you,
but I have to charge
My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,
and they're like,
its better than yours,
damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you,
but I have to charge
I can see youre on it,
you want me to teach the
techniques that freaks these boys,
it can't be bought,
just know, thieves get caught,
watch if your smart,
la la-la la la,
warm it up,
la la-la la la,
the boys are waiting,
la la-la la la,
warm it up,
la la-la la la,
the boys are waiting,
My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,
and they're like,
its better than yours,
damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you,
but I have to charge
My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,
and they're like,
its better than yours,
damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you,
but I have to charge
Once you get involved,
everyone will look this way-so,
you must maintain your charm,
same time maintain your halo,
just get the perfect blend,
plus what you have within,
then next his eyes are squint,
then he's picked up your scent,
la la-la la la,
warm it up,
la la-la la la,
the boys are waiting,
la la-la la la,
warm it up,
la la-la la la,
the boys are waiting
My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,
and they're like,
its better than yours,
damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you,
but I have to charge.
My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,
and they're like,
its better than yours,
damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you,
but I have to charge.
FADE OUT
-- "Milkshake", Kelis (2004)
What the hell -- I'll ask a question while I'm at it: sticking within the bounds of the metaphor, I wonder what your thoughts are on what amounts to the "perfect blend" mentioned in the last verse.
I'll take this one, Fits. You just rest your pretty little head. Thanks, sugar.
Captain Oats, how many times to I have to link to it? This is the Perfect Blend - your one-stop shop for Neighbours info.
(Although I think NeighboursFans.com is better).
Ahem. I do believe that I said "sticking within the bounds of the metaphor".
(But cheers-a-plenty for the Neighbours Fans link! Gooooooogle always lists Perfect Blend in the number 1 spot, but it always fails to satisfy.)
Dear Ms Fits
If you would be so kind, I have two questions.
a) I know of a local backyard fig tree whose branches extend well over the laneway behind. I picked about a dozen beautiful ripe figs this afternoon but there were many many more up on higher brances I couldn't reach. Is it wrong to go back next week with a ladder? If so, is it wrong to go back with a long stick that has an ingenious fig grappling hook on the end?
b) I enjoy watching the figure skating during the Winter Olympics and the diving and gymnastics during the Summer Olympics. Why do I not have a gay to enjoy these things with me?
I'm a good dog! Aren't I a good dog?
Why did I get into trouble for doing something I like doing and people expect me to do? It's not my fault I couldn't read her mind and didn't know not to do it.
95% Spirtys is going down very well thank you.
Ms Fits, this is a delicate, but quite serious question.
I am a public servant for the state of Vic. I work in the area of 'Child protection', that is, with a population of very troubled and vulnerable families.
I have pretty solid information that Mssrs Bracks & co. are neglecting their duty in this area. They have slashed the budgest of an already under-funded organisation. Now, I have ben a labour voter all my life, and will never vote 'liberal' but...
1. Should I 'leak' materials to the media, in an attempt to have the problems facing the underprivileged addressed.
2. If so, what is the best way to leak materials to the media? The situation is really appalling. If you want an example, the Department of Human Services have a KPI (wank speak for key performance indicator) that 75% of all cases of child abuse be closed without investigation. This is an absolute fact.
In short, should I leak, and how do I? If I'm caught, I will lose my job.
By leaking a little bit of info on Ms Fits' blog have you not just answered your question?
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ms Fits,
Have you ever lived overseas for an extended period? (ie. a year)
If so, how did you go about getting back into Melbourne life? Was it easy / hard to slot back in?
Ms Fits, have you ever had food-related body issues? I ask this question as an informative prelude to my next question, which is about The Biggest Loser: Why is it that the Australian version of the show focusses so much more on shame than on aspiration? One thing about the American show, it continually reinforced that the contestants wanted to be slim, healthy, able to pick up their kids/walk up stairs/get sex with attractive strangers, which are all in and of themselves nice aims. But the Australian version seems, so far, to focus so much more on how much the contestants hate their bodies and themselves and must undergo purgative experiences of shame and purity. The website refers to the "human tragedy" embodied by the contestants. And in one memorable scene, "the last supper", one contestant stuffed himself to the gills in an orgy of gastroporn, then broke down weeping in shame to the camera about how much "I just love my food".
The whole thing is totally off, and I am suprised to find myself feeling physically sick about food as I watch it (also note that I am of a healthy weight and enjoy lard-based foods on a reasonably frequent basis). Do you believe that this programme is designed to make people outside of the television feel this way? More trickily, if this sort of induction of affective disgust actually helps and motivates people watching the show to lose weight, how does it rate ethically?
I don't think I have leaked, 'grover'. I am torn - do I rat on the party I vote for, knowing it will hurt them, or do I keep my mouth shut?
I think I know what I want to choose, but I want to ask someone who is a little bit media-savvy about how to 'leak'. I think it will improve things, for everybody. If there are any journos out there, wanting to find some damning government stats, just let me know...
You should probably get your facts straight before you go leaking anything, other Anonymous. Having just spoken with my friend who has worked for the state government in child protection for years, she said your 75% figure is wrong. She also said they have plenty in the budget. She's out there investigating cases each day so I figure she has some idea about the 75% mark - either that or she's failing her KPIs miserably. If you're being told these figures I'd suggest you find out where they're coming from before assuming it's Bracks & Co.
I have been have taking photos at gigs and various other events for a couple of years now. For some reason people are starting to get particularly nasty when I post photos to forums and some people don't like me taking photos. Why can't I? The bands and performers still like me taking photos. I know for some of the shows I am really doing it as I like the people involved and want to do something nice for them so should I just show the photos to them instead?
Thanks.
Anonymous (the potential leaking one),
If you make a decision and you need journalistic support, contact me (peter AT glutbusters DOT com) and I will put you in touch with a journo at The Age. He is gentle and meticulous and friendly. If it's not his area (and it's pretty close) he will ensure you are cared for.
He will also ensure that your facts are correct. You would want to be pretty sure, but he won't run anything unless he is too.
He will also die rather than reveal who you are. "All The President's Men" is his favourite film of all time.
But for starters, best not to use work computers for anything, even reading this.
Good luck. I hope Fits helps you make the best decision. I wish all public servants were conscientious enough to worry like you. (Though that may lead to record stress etc).
Here goes my first question...
Without wanting to be too much of a prude, do you worry a little that some of the questions are getting a bit 'Penthouse Letters' and if so what's happening trouser-wise when people read your answers?
dear fits,
Can i possibly share/ hi-jack your hospitality crush? He is the most handsome bar man in northcote. I too have spend many gigs gazing longingly at his arms in those shirts as he brushes away the hair from his eyes.
Til
A little clarification on the GF3 concept, please. Does it mean you only get to go with someone on the list guilt-free once, or can it be an on-going thing? If the former, can I put you in all 3 positions (so to speak)?
Also, regarding your link to court proceeding statistics in Australian States in defense of Adelaide: Everyone knows that the first murder is an on-the-spot fine here.
Fitsy,
I once asked your advice on a matter involving boys. Taking your advice, I have been seeing the nuttier of the two. Now, I keep seeing you around the place (most recently, Friday night) and feel like sliding onto a stool and paying due reverence to your words-of-wonder. Problem is, I was out with the aforementioned nutter who you apparently remember from Best of the Brat when you interviewed his band and he rolled around on the floor screaming lame obscenities at the world. You emphatically made a point of not liking him then, and I presume you still don't. So, do I go with your alias' advice and keep to the other side of the bar or risk a confrontation with your alarm and disgust on finding out it's 'OH-MY-GOD-THAT-GUY'?
Leaking Anonymous: Just because you vote Labor does not mean you should be covering their tracks. That's like saying that half of the time (assuming we continue with our two-party dance)what the government does is ok because you like them better in the long run. That's like Howard voters saying 'yeah, we can forgive the Tampa issue because he likes our God and looks fetching in a track-suit' and etc. You have a responsibility as an active and intelligent member of society to contest anything you find abhorently wrong. With this comes responsibilty, so (as was mentioned above)the main point is whether you have your facts right.
If you do something, say, pash a good friend in the middle of a crowded city nightspot, but you are too drunk to remember it, does it count as being stupid? And if confronted about it later by someone who witnessd it, is denial an option?
firstly, it is with regret i tender my withdrawal from your book-club (i did borrow the book from the city library though, so the intent was there). it's just that i'm trying to stop procrastinating so i can start writing again. and so, the question - how do you motivate yourself to write when you seem to have fallen into a creativity crevice?
what are you doing over easter?
and
if i end up being in melbourne, may i please hang out with you?
Q: Is MattyB doing ok? And will he ever come back to the Blogosphere? (Please pass on our hello's, best wishes etc)
Fitsy,
I have a girlfriend I've been seeing for sometime. Thing is, I want her to know how much she means to me and I'm not sure how best to show her. I think I treat women well generally, I just don't know how to single her out specially. Have you got any day-to-day tips about how to show her how important she is to me?
By the way - great blog.
Cheers,
Wes
Dear Ms Fits,
Being the thinking woman that you are, which philosopher - past or present - does it for you the most and why? For example, given your previously stated penchant for wild artistic types, are you a embrace-a-horse-and-weep Nietzschean? Or are you more of a Francophile? In which case, would you favour someone like Derrida (even if he did dress like a golfer)? Please tell...
Who is your best friend and what does he/she do for a living?
no i certainly didn't mean that i hate you, i meant that other girls tend to hate me because of how i fool around with boys (sometimes their friends / exboyfriends / brothers and so on), so i wondered if you thought you'd hate me too.
thanks for answering my questions, i am quite similar to you in spirit i think, and i'm sure we'd get along just fine.
Shameless self-promotion, I know (but I don't think you've read it yet - busy girl and all that, etc).
What did you think of these guesses?
Many thanks (and apologies),
BEVIS
Dearest Ms. Fits,
Might i say, your blog has inspired me. It did not inspire me in a hurry, I have been reading you for many months now, but today i started my own blog. However, that's really neither here nor there.
Now, i don't know you at all, other than what i have read on this blog. I am curious to learn a little more about you...
You are a scrip-writer/entertainment industry guru of some description, yes?
Do you have a normal 9-5 job?
If so, how is it you can spend half of every Friday answering questions from random blog-readers?
If no (as in, no regular job), with what do you fill your days?
^^^
please note that i do realise the word is scripT not scrip... i would hate you to think from your first and only impression of me, I didn't know how to spell. In fact, i was a super-speller in primary school. I pride myself on that fact to this day.
Ms Fits,
1 - I appreciate your candid commentary, however, have you ever had cause to fear for you safety as a result of running this blog?
2 - Would you perform oral sex on Tim Blair for $10,000?
Pash-less wrote "Is he just being a gentleman, or do I assume that we are "Just Friends"."...
Oh Ms Fits, you have no idea how much of my life i wasted by desperately pretending i didn't want to make the sex with those people with whom i desperately wanted to make the sex.
Thankfully my current girlfriend has completely stripped away the pretend-gentlemanliness and liberated the inner slut.
But oh, if i hadn't met her, i would still be wasting my life with silly old-fashioned gentlemanliness that was stealing my lifffe away. Thank-you for disavowing people of the notions that they somehow need to let the other person make the first move, or pretend not to be interested, and whatnot.
Comments are closed.