Reasons you will hate me

Hello Ms Fits (shocking alias..),

For your next lot of questions: (and I'm new, so sorry if this is done the wrong way)

I only became aware of your good self watching the Tuesday Book Club the other night and now thanks to my good friend Wikipaedia consider myself well versed.

Please give me lots of notice when you're going to be on RRR from now on.

I must ask:
1 - Why did Craig Reucassel have such a clean appearance on TV last tuesday - what happened to the ragged mongrel that leverages an entire bus and puts Peter Costello's face on it to harass John Howard?

2 - Ha! You had to sit next to Malcolm Turnball.
I'm just wandering through some of the archives: http://www.abc.net.au/tv/firsttuesday/video/
So what was that like?

3 - Funnily enough I'm currently half way through reading the landmark Power Without Glory and I see there was a TV serial done in 1975. Do you know if its any good?

4 - Where do intelligent, political, 'off-the-cuff' single 20s girls go on a Friday night?

Cheers.

"Is that poetic enough for you? I was certainly blissful when I climbed out of bed and walked to get a coffee in the searing AM heat, and all that was in my heart calmed for a second."

Yes, definitely, especially that last line, which cries out to be included in the opening or closing paragraph of a memorable short story.

"I have asked more than one person this particular question (whether such outrageous requests from strangers are ever met with a keen nod of affirmation and evening of wild sexings) and the general consensus seems to be in the world of 'no fucking way'."

As a practicing-but-haven't-got-it-
right-yet homosexualist, I can cheerfully admit to once staggering up to a hot bloke and saying "I'm crap at all this cruising shit, d'ya wanna fuck?' which resulted in an evening (well, hour) of lubricious and memorable sex.

That said, if I was straight and tried that on a woman I'd expect to have my face slapped, so go figure.

Men are just easy, really, I suspect is the moral.

Except me, he adds suddenly in a desperate attempt to appear fine and upstanding...

Dear me, my posts are becoming postively Bevis-esque in length - I'll go away now.

Except to jubilantly and drunkenly shout that my word verification for this comment is 'okshgy' = OK SHAGGY = either i'm going to get laid at Golden Plains or cast in a surreal remake of Scooby Doo...

Howdy Ms. Fits,

First time questioner, but long time reader. Well, thats not true. Originally I was just skimming the words and reading the pretty ones, but now my scrolling finger gets tired, so I just make sure the first few screenfuls of text make a nice shape. They usually do.

Let's get down to business and talk cookies. Or biscuits. Choc chip. I'd like your opinion. In the following classes, my favourites are as follows:

Budget to mid-range: K-Mart Decadents (now reboxed as Coles Ultimates)

Mid-range to gourmet: Mrs. Fields

Frozen range: Choc Chip Cookie (the Streets brand, forget the Maxibon)

What is your informed perspective?

obviously, commenting on a blog that mentions oneself, albeit in largely unlflattering tones is the act of rank egotism.

however if i could take a moment of your time to point out the slight hypocrisy in someone calling into question my discretion on stage by criticising and misquoting me on the internet, which is believe has a slightly larger audience than 48 people in a room above a pub. i may be wrong. maybe its all gone wrong for the internet.

the bit in question, is indeed still something of a dirty feathered feldgling. but the sentiment is not that people i have kissed in the past are meaningless and "despicable sluts" but rather that the act of trying to meet new people to find adventures and the potential filled tingle this engenders is meaningless unless one then spends ones life with that person and these lurid adventures become the sweet memories of a couple on their fiftieth aninversary.

and it wasnt about people who wrote on here. some of which, and i hestitate to say this in such a rigorously accountable system, were fibbers.

I have been wearing my mother's original "it's time" campaign singlet top for some time now to festive events. About six months ago I suddenly started receiving multiple comments about how cool it was, I have seen a couple of them about. I have never been happier to be on the cutting edge of fashion.

I recommend that we all wear "it's time" singlets this election, authentic or no, in the hope that we are no longer early adopters.

Lesbionic, lesbonic, lesbonix, lesbeans, lesbosuns - I shall create words as I see fit and it's up to you to decipher what the sam hill I'm on about

Lesbosuns! that sounds like a ship full of saucy wenches.

might you know where I could find one of those?

Can you shower in four minutes, Ms Fits?

The best I can do, without shaving or impinging on my sense of cleanliness, is 10 minutes and 52 seconds.

Does the prospect of perpetually smelly Queenslanders being chased by ibixen* wishing to feast on warm armpit amuse Victorians?

Off to shower, back in four LOLZ.

* my friend and I coined this plural for ibis a couple of years ago, since a singular ibis never occurs naturally.

Far out, Daniel Kitson is with us!

Ms F. - on the 'I worked under someone far worse who pleasingly was later arrested for soliciting sex from children so you've only got brightness ahead' front - I, too, worked 'under' (eek) that person and vividly recall the front page photograph of his head being helped into the back seat of a police vehicle. I remember a co-worker describing his laugh as sounding like someone being sucked down a plughole. And the man's classy expression of homo-erotic desire, delivered mid-story meeting - 'I'd like to suck him off till his nipples caved in.' (SFX: gagging plughole). Ah dear. Anyway, he mellowed somewhat as the illness set in, but, yes, the workplace can be fraught with dangers.

Ms Fits,

With a degree of of pomposity *snort* I am staking my claim as a first time poster to RYWHM.
This is written with an element of exasperation as my first attempt was foiled by a `broadband dropout', all ready to close and send...then nothing. The frustration of which had me bang my head against the keyboard *querty embedded on forehead*

A question I ask of your illustrious self. Later this month
I will be attending a gay female wedding in Melbourne. Are there any particular protocols to observe or
adhere to on such an occasion?

This being my first maybe you have some pearls of advice to offer.

xenios

Occasional lurker, but first time I’ve put my hand up in class.

(1) Does the interwebz worry you as an indelible repository of every foible/ weak moment/ personal factoid you decided to share all with two billion others? I mean, if people knew about the time when I was sixteen and drank Blackberry Nip and threw up so hard a piece of capsicum came out of my nose the next day, I would be mortified.

Damn.

(2) I’m also thinking of the stalker-ish element out there. Hi, gang! Having cracked your secret identity this week, I can google “your name” and get 117 responses* (I’m quite jealous, I only get 24 and one of those is for a completely different Rhys ‘X’** who also lives in Melbourne and whose MyShite band sounds like possums fucking in a saucepan cupboard). Does the permeability of the interwebz ‘fourth wall’ worry you? I suppose you could always set Bob Ellis to ‘crotch’ and unleash him on an interloper.

(3) When the city finally cracks my will and I whimper back to the country, I’m going to get two Foxies and call them collectively (a): the Mosquito Fleet and individually (b): Malarkey and Poontang (which would, of course, be shortened to Poonie when the Queen comes to luncheon). Thumbs up or down?

Cheers dears,
Nugget

* I know googling someone’s name (except your own) is freaky-deaky, but I was curious.
** I have seen Highlander and know I must devour his soul to gain strength.

With regard to your right-wing hotties, apparently your only port of call is Anne Coulter...and aside from her you've got no-one as it is medically proven that voting Liberal gives you unsightly facial buboes and a body odour 'issue'. Sorry to break it to you, women of the Right.

Well, I'm happy to point out Leni Riefenstahlfor the Right to claim/fess-up-to as one of their own but she might be a bit "far out" for some of them. Apparently quite the hot dancer and movie starlet (can't see it myself) before making some new friends and moving behind the camera. Okay, her heyday was 70 years ago but she only died in 2003, and could obviously still pull well into her 50s.

In regard to the four-minute showering... I have the answer. Cold water.
I would regularly shower for 15-20min before I tried this, it was my favourite spot for daydreaming.

Now I'm down to: 10sec (wetting), break for soaping/giggling hysterically, 30sec (rinsing). Less than a minute, then.
Also, the cold shower is good for:

Winter- it will warm you up. Or kill you, either is good.

Power and water bills fall significantly.

Hangovers- banishes them, along with feelings of tiredness.

Silky smooth skin- doesn't strip moisture out of you.

Virtuous feeling- as a hard cunt, you feel massively superior to everyone else, with their pink, feminine skin, and vulnerable open pores.

You'll find there's a small and secret pleasure in punishing yourself.

It does *not* have the commonly ascribed effect on libido, but sadly, there are few partners who will join you.

evenin fitsmcgee.
multi-part questionnaire.
a) what do you do/eat/surround yourself with etc when hungover?
b) i have been in an area of "solitude" (man wise) for the last 2-3 years & now there is this huge abundance, (i feel i can say this proudly because of my foremost lacking in the younger years) & am having trouble with deciding. everything or nothin it seems. i am kissing alot but it's getting to the stage where 2 may show up at the same bar/gig/event. your advice if i may? play them all, date one, two?
c) i think your pretty.
ok done.
put your brain to work!

Trust I'm not too late to continue Thursday's conversation.

... 'fancy sitting on my penis?'-type in-your-face spiel and he had a 30 percent success rate.

Mid-70s. Cameraman I knew used: "I suppose a fuck's out of the question?" and claimed three out of ten said yes.

That included a desirable in an Adelaide bar who suggested that it was a terribly negative approach so he re-phrased: "How about a fuck, then?" She nodded and headed off into the gloom with him.

M to the F.

First, a short story. I returned home from work last Tuesday night and boxing training quite exhausted and conked out on my bed but not before I had somehow turned the TV to the abc. Imagine my surprise when I awoke some time later with Ms Fits herself talking about books. Just thought I'd say it was lovely.

Friday Question:

I've been a freelance writer for the last four years or so and have in my time grown to be much more wary and understanding of the publishing industry. However, when I was bright eyed and naive I started working for an editor who kept putting off paying me. Stupidly I continued to work thinking he'd be 'good for it'.

To cut a long story short, this bloke dropped ten grand of his own money into a music festival that nobody bought tickets for and suddenly had more debts than orifices. The excuses for why I wasn't being paid got more and more intricate until finally he came out with the motherload:

"Well, I was going to borrow money from my uncle in Sydney but he stopped answering his phone and we thought he'd gone missing. Finally we sent cops around to his house and when they got inside they found he'd been dead for two weeks. So, that's why I can't pay you."

To this day I think this is so ludicrous an excuse that it has to be true. But maybe that's what he wanted me to think. Anyway, not long after this his contact details went dead and he disappeared off the face of the earth. He still owes me and many other people. I'm tempted to tell you his name but I'm not sure what the legality of that sort of thing is.

Anyway, since you yourself are a 'professional writer' I thought you might be able to relate. SO, my question is:
what is the worst/best excuse you've had from an employer about why you haven't been paid yet?

(And if you have no such anecdote, here's my alternate question: what do you think, if anything, about the Transhumanist movement?).

Daniel

Ms. Fits I say this as a friend, Frday Q&A sucks balls! Get back to writing your blog.

Shane Jesse, I believe it is you who sucks balls.

Fits, as you were.

I have a question, although I'm not sure if it goes here. It concerns the Nine Inch Nails Song 'closer' and the fact that so many women love it. The love of the song is particularly pronounced when it gets to the part about 'I wanna fuck you like an animal' etc. Women I have known say theings like "oh I LOVE this song' and shake their head, sing along with heavy emphasis on the word 'fuck'.

OK, so that's all fair enough, but here's my question. Have they ever considered the possiblity that animals aren't very good roots? I'm not talking about bestiality, but about the sexual enjoyment animals might get from doing the wild thing.

From the nature documentaries I've seen, it doesn't look like fun at all. Cockatiels for example, the male bites the female on the neck, sticks it in for about 2 seconds, if shes lucky, then retreats.

Hyenas: male bites and claws female frome behind long enough for half a dozen short thrusts.

Trout: not even any body contact, female lays eggs, male ejaculates over eggs after she's left the vicinity.

Meercats: do I really need to go on?

Or is Reznor's 'animal' not actualy wildlife, but a metaphor for losing all bourgiose affectations and hang-ups and losing yourself during sex?

I reckon my female friends who go all bleary-eyed when they hear 'closer' need to have a think. What do you reckon?

Thanks for your time, you've been tremendous.

Okay then, but only because you insist. (Now you've only got yourself / me to blame.)

1. Do you think Gabi would ever consider putting The Town Bikes on a TV show like Australia's Got Talent? I love the idea of petite-but-enthusiastic Grant Denyer having to announce their act by name, is all.

2. Do you know Grant Denyer?

3. What are your thoughts on Grant Denyer?

4. How about Red Symons?

5. Did you ever think it would be possible that Channel Seven could bring together three 'entertainment judges' like Red Symons, Dannii Minogue and a somewhat botoxed Tom Burlinson, only to discover that RED is the only one who's 100% bio-degradable?

6. I thought the BEVIS 'Ben Nevis' limerick Anonymous penned last week was brilliant. This isn't a question but I wanted to say it.

7. Even I think that's enough BEVIS limericks for now, though. Would you perhaps consider bringing them back as an ANNUAL event? (It might put a stop to them continually turning up here, that's all. I'm all about what the public wants. You know me.)

8. Enough? Okay.

As a lifelong liberal voter, would I be harassed and ridiculed by you and your peers for jumping onboard with Mr Rudd in the next election?

I find myself supporting him in spirit at every turn, and want this to be reflected in my vote the next time we go to the polls.

But I wonder if those loud anti-Liberal types (you included, going by your blog) would spend their time giving me grief about my past voting habits rather than enjoy the spoils of victory for successfuly winning me over.

I wouldn't want to tell my friends about the change in my voting beliefs if they'd only be harsh with me despite agreeing with them now.

Your thoughts?

Re: the Selma Blair/SMG lesbonic/lesbionic/sapphic traffic stopper, etc - I once had the pleasure of interviewing miss Blair, though it was in fact in relation to Legally Blonde, in which she plays Reese Witherspoon's nemesis (Reese really *was* the fin-de-siecle Doris Day, don't you agree?). Of course, she had then recently won the MTV award for Best Screen Kiss for her salival shenanigans with La Gellar (look at you and your sharing of the taste with the 16 year old girls LOL!!11! Where is this year's Clueless or Mean Girls? Gap in the market waiting, like me, for your inimitable touch). Vis a vis this high point of the osculum in cinema, she had this to say: "Well, Sarah was a pretty good kisser, but it was ridiculous as they had to make it all look bigger and more salacious for the close-up, so the director was telling me to really give her the excessive porno tongue. I only wish I wasn't trying to occupy the headspace of an innocent 15 year old as he shouted those instructions."

My Q: i would like to know more about your sax life... for someone who is so very into music (and musicians?) you don't ever mention much about your own forays in this direction. Give us the skinny on your dances with Euterpe (as we already know about your Thalian efforts).

ruby

Fuck I knew that someone would use Ben Nevis in a limerick if I didn't get in quick enough and sure enough they did. I actually made this limerick up on the bus on Friday morning but wasn't able to find the time to log on and post it, so now I look really stupid. It doesn't rhyme Bevis with "Bevis", or "premise" (which is really pushing it, but no offence to either McDave or Anon intended). So although it's not very original I still think it has a nice poetic ring to it and an intriguing plot:

I once took a trip to Ben Nevis
Where I met a young fellow named Bevis.
Loud thunder rumbled,
And hard rain a-tumbled,
And we both stumbled into a crevice.

Apologies to all those who are thoroughly sick of these limericks.
My question is:
Do you get annoyed by the use of zed when "s" is perfectly fine? (for example organise/organize). Melvil Dewey is to blame for this, which makes me ashamed to be a librarian sometimes.

good afternoon ms fits,
i seem to be forever turning to you for relationship advice. first its cheating boyfriends, then its the
dashing mark priestly of all saints fame, and now - this one.

i have recently been seeing (read sleeping with) a boy who has a girlfriend who lives in melbourne.
boy is gong to melbourne to see ben kweller, and gf will most probably be there.

i would absolutely adore going to melbourne to see ben kweller, as he is a right bit of spunk, but im a tad worried about the boy/gf issues.

apparently he broke up with her last night when he confessed to sleeping with me, but im still worried that my visit to melbs to gaze upon ben will be marred by some exgf's eyes daggering into me.

should i go? i dont have the tickets yet, but he's only playing in adelaide with john mayer and i dont feel like hearing 15 year old girls screaming all night.

if i go, perhaps you know of someone who is going? someone cool who i can hang out with and we can have a marvellous time ogling mr kweller and imagining him in our pants? that would make it so much easier.

thanking you in advance,
carly

sorry to post twice, but i just had a horrible thought. imagine if the world couldnt come up with any more ridiculous names for children, and people started using word verification for ideas...

this is my baby girl, her name is eemty...

Dear Ms Fits,

Who funds you?

Is it the government?

If so, why must ordinary working and middle class people pay for your spoilt inner city drivel?

Asking frankly,
Working bouy.

Why would anyone imply that sucking balls is a bad thing?

morning miss f,

here's an old fashioned yet still timely one, for me at least.
girls asking boys out, does it ever really work or does it give the wrong impression? (i.e. set up the chaser/chasee dynamic to the wrong gender settings early from which they may never recover. that's what my mother says. but she also says you can't trust the chinese so sometimes i need a second opinion)

it sounds quaint but after 2006 the year of dismal romantic failure (tm) i'd planned, as a lady, to swear off asking anyone out ever again & becoming the precious commodity that the fellas have gotta earn. while this moral high ground has lovely views, it's cold at night.

& now, darn it, i've found myself IN LOVE (yeah, you heard me, cards on the table, motherfuckers) with a boy & i know not what to do... especially since we're doing the "i think i like you so i can't speak to you without spilling something on myself so better just to hide over here a while & cast furtive glances" routine. you know the one. so your help, please?

thanks ever so,

in love in east melbourne.

Ms Fits, I was wondering about the evolution of your blog, and how it got to the point where each of your postings now attract an average of 27 comments, as opposed to when your archives start in 2004, when your utterances attracted an average of 1.84 comments each (is it too stalkerish to have actually calculated those averages, and does it provide too much of an insight into what I do for a living ?) Anyhoo, I was wondering how you think you got to this level of popularity, and whether it seems weird at all to you that so many people that you don't know seem to find you interesting enough to regularly check in on what you've got to say.

By the way, in love in east melbourne, for what it's worth, as a representative of the male gender, re being asked out by girls - we fucking love it. If you ask a guy out and he runs away, or thinks it's awkward, then he was never really that keen on you anyway, or he's a jerk. Either way, it's better to find out than to sit around wondering, so my advice is to go for it.

Ah, just read Bevis's comment that people should just step the fuck off re: the limericks, but I posted my version before I saw that. So apo-logies to all involved. I'll be off now.

Dear Ms Fits,

I for one am getting a bit sick of the, "What's it like being the messiah?" question which invariably appears each week. Don't they know you are just a very naughty girl? (Apologies to Monty Python - like they care.)

You could institute a tacit decree to ignore these questions - this being your personal electronic kingdom and you being a lady of manners and all; or you could reply, "Well, my friends really love me, lots of people think they love me, and everyone else definitely hates me."

Never having experienced fame, I am duly unqualified to write all this, so I boldly ask: do you forgive my didactic dictums?

PS You...






complete me.












Just kidding.

Is it wrong to want to give Kevin Rudd one two or (any many as he wants) even three goes at 'winning over my electorate', so to speak?
I almost feel as if I'd be helping him towards victory by allowing him to let off a little stress in a private, enthusiastic and judgement-free environment.
So, the question is, is wanting to shag Kevin Rudd senseless completely screwy or the mark of a sane, red-blooded left-woman?

DJKL, please don't take my comment to heart - you are most kind and generous to be penning such a limerick. Even if you don't mean it to be, I find it highly flattering.

I only said what I said (and I believe you paraphrased me there, as I don't like to swear) because I'm sensitive to the fact that OTHERS are sick to death of me (and the mere mention of my name) on this blog, so I'm trying to call an end to it all before the BEVIS backlash gets so out-of-hand that I can't walk down the road for a pint of milk because (a) someone will stab me for showing my face around here and (b) I don't live in England.

I hope you understand.

(Your limerick was excellent!)

Bevis, thanks for that, but don't worry I don't take anything to (my cold, dead, black) heart. Glad you enjoyed it, even if it did make light of us meeting and stumbling to our doom... or did we?

I'm kinda sad.... Mine wuz one of the three you didn't get to last week...(hangs head and shuffles feet)

Dearest Ms Fits,

Re: Friday q and a #58. I can't remember which one was Statler and which one was Waldorf, but... JP is a dear old friend, I've known him for a fair whack of a decade now and I bought him a pair of Superman jocks last Christmas. AH is JP's great chum, they are fellow 'Writers in Arms' and go about the place being young, spunky and literary. I've only ever met AH once, but have heard a lot about him through JP. So, I'm not dating either of them (although JP once tried to make me marry Matthew Reilly).

Now, my problem is that I don't really have a question, I just wanted to answer yours and seeing as though I had forgotten about it until now, I didn't want you to think me rude (which is not always the case with me). So I think I'd like to quickly make one up now.

Um.

Fuck.

OK, ooh! I have one. Seeing as how you've moved to Collingwood, and you've borne the revolting destruction of your beloved team, Fitzroy, would coming along to a Pies game, with me and my pink thermos and knees blanky, to shout CARN THE MIGHTY PIES like banshee bogan bitches, sway you to join the ranks of the most reviled football supporters in Christendom (even if it could never be wholeheartedly)?

I hate Friday questions. They are so long that scrolling through them to find your other posts is now an arduous task, and the majority of ‘questions’ are either from people you don’t know sucking up to you or people you do know cunningly advising the other sycophants that you are friends in the real world. I ask, Ms Fits, would you consider letting the Friday questions go?

Tim, I don't think you know what you're talking about. The kinds of examples you've given never actually happen, and you're a fool for saying they do.

I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH MS FITS AND ACTED IN A MUSICAL WITH HER AND WROTE HER A LETTER ONCE WHICH SHE BROUGHT UP AT OUR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION A FEW YEARS AGO WHEN SHE FLIRTED WITH ME - SHE REALLY FLIRTED WITH ME - AND GAVE ME HER BUSINESS CARD, POSSIBLY HOPING FOR NAUGHTY-STYLE SHENANIGANS TO BE ARRANGED FOR A LATER DATE, NOT KNOWING AT THE TIME THAT I'M NOW HAPPILY MARRIED, THE POOR DEAR.

Sorry, I "lost time" for a moment there.

Do you ever miss me?

Dear Ms Fits,

Why are people getting so upset about Friday Questions?

Am I too organised and/or potentially stalkerish?

What do think of the Blions choosing to wear the same guernseys Fitzroy wore in their final game in two matches this coming season (as read in Friday's Age)?

Would it inspire you to go along and watch, or would the trauma of reliving this shameful day in Australian sporting history cause an excess of grief and anguish?