Reasons you will hate me

but sydney's less than an hour's flight!

[sound of sides splitting]

have fun.

Is this a first? Not even a single answer?

Shouldn't have stayed out late eating modern Japanese last night, and you could have got a few down then.

I'm devastated. No really. No sarcasm here. Not a bit.

What?***!%%!*#%%#

Sack the whole bloody lot of the RHYWHM staff and rehire them on WorkChoices AWAs!

Can't have this sort of nonsense going on!

You've got a busy weekend ahead of you, have fun!

You can and have fun. Lots of it. AFTER YOU'VE ANSWERED OUR QUESTIONS!

No question here, sorry, just thought I'd share, that I now hold in my hands a copy of A Confederacy of Dunces, as I ordered it solely based on the recommendations read on this here blog.

So, that's all, cheerio.

Hello gorgeous,

Methinks you've had quite a time of it lately; hope your coastal sojourn won't be wiped out by your hectic lifestyle.

I'm surprised it hasn't stretched out to the weekend more often. Thanks for being here for us.

What do you think of RRR FM's role as a community noticeboard? I have heard of at least two marriages (one on-air marriage proposal), births and deaths on various shows.

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"the other you're masturbating in floods of tears and eating alphabetti spaghetti straight from the tin."

HA HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HOO HOO HEE HEE HA HA HA HA HA.

You funny.

Do you quietly wish that one or two of your obsessive "posters" who litter your comment sections with completely unintelligent, witless, rubbish might post a little less, esp on a Friday?

(I think a lot of readers now skip Friday Q&A because the majority of the post is boring, uninsightful commentary on questions you have already answered by a select few who paint themselves as hang-a-ron-erers, rather than actual questions to you...yes, i realise my contradiction here.)

Conversely, do you miss any "posters" who seem to have mysteriously disappeared?

Do you have any idea who the above Anonymous could POSSIBLY be referring to??

It's all a mystery to me ...

To the slut who isn't sexy enough. You're fucking not. And who gives a fuck how good your supposed current goyfriend looks naked right now you shallow vacuous cunt. Youth is a fleeting fucktard of a thing and I fucking well hope your non animal tested cosmetics give a tumour to reckon with. He'll fucking leave you, hey they all do right? And guess what cunt...you're shallow vacuous slut and you've had fucking far too many 'sexual partners', and fuck your lipstick feminism, what fucking man wants to see his first born son come into the world through a hole that's been used as a fun park for over a dozen and a half (conservative estimate) thrill seeking filthy cocks? That's why there is RIGHTLY a double standard you pigs, because the purity just isn't there. Even a man worth five Bil, Jamie Packer can't get a wife who hasn't taken cock from Russel Crowe. I am so fucking sick of you sluts. It's only you're virtue right? Yeah...motherless fucking cunthole paraphernalia motherfuckers eat my promiscuous cock expanse. Future: 2035, all children born out of vaginas that have been theme parks for two dozen 'sexual partners and that's ok sex positive taking it back ethical sluts' and all mother's calling thier fat arse children away from the play station do so with mouths that have also been used a theme parks for two dozen filthy cocks. Cheaper by the dozen, that's the feminist pig CUNT of today and its gonna get worse fellas, so fucking get a russian bride. At least they are hot, unlike the fat miserable vacuous cunt feminist scrag CUNT whores like the poster two messages up WHO ISNT FUCKING SEXY YES THATS RIGHT CUNT YOU FUCKING YOU, YOU, YOU! Just give me ONE day without the justice system intact, and we're on slut. Fucking ON. Example day, bird flu pandemic, meteor imminent, IT'S ME AND IT'S YOU SLUT FEATURES. And yes I want a DNA test.

Oh DEAR!

I need to catch someone's eye and have a giggle at the raving looney...

That's if any of your little cuntwhore slovenly pieces of cum guzzling SHIT have the fucking BALLS to be a woman and have a fucking baby the way the universe fucking intended and not through a hole cut in your stomach and done while on opiates. You still get whinging rights about how painful childbirth is though don't you cunts? Yeah... fuckin thought so cunts. And that's those of you sluts that even kids before you go barren isn't it? And then you want the medicare funded IVF, because you had to go and prove yourself as fake man for ten or fifteen years didn't you? The birthrate drops, and I can smell the VD from here. It's not just what I think, the modern Australian young woman is a filthy, vacuous, shallow, drunkard, promiscuous, rapidly infertile CUNT with NOTHIN to say but politically correct sheep speak, and nothing but a neurotic pile of useless flesh that's been laid out on too many other men's beds. And fuck global warming when a man can't even find a wife that isn't a hook-up minded pile of hang-ups, and a clotheshorse cosmetic trowelled CUNT. Yeah you. Long fucking live breast cancer I love watching you meulling feminist cunts drop like flies after you refuse to let the chemicals you paste all over your faces and pores be tested on animals, you're alll SOO fucking dumb. Okay sluts I'm done. Out. And all men agree. It IS ok for men to have as many sexual partners as they want because thier bodies are not the incubator of purity required for giving birth to every future generation of mankind.

"...incubator of purity required for giving birth to every future generation of mankind"

Tom Cruise, is that you? Oh dear Tom, did you forget to take your pills again, little one?

well, if you say so you filthy mouthed anon.

Slow Monday then?

Dad, is that you?

Anyway,

my question for this week:

Veronica Mars is a really really awesome show. Great writing, etc. I love it.

Do YOU?

You should know, my respect for you hangs on this one question.

Next time I go to bed with someone I am going to employ the term 'win over my electorate'...

So, is it true that your electorate is a 'swinging seat'? I've know you prefer men who 'lean to the left' but what about some 'ballot stuffing' on the sly?

I'd suggest some 'community polling' as well but I recall it wasn't entirely your thing. Still, the thought of you developing a 'committee-based services policy' is certainly having a 'trickle-down effect' on this voter.

P.S. Sly innuendos? Hahaha in-you-e... oh, forget it.

Is it weird to have a sex dream about one of your gay friends? One of your male gay friends. When you are female? It feels so wrong and a wee bit dirty (but not in a good way). Thoughts? I suspect it just feels wrong 'cause he's in a committed relationship.

Also, what's with Mel Gibson popping by in the comments above? I mean, "slut features"? That's rather uncalled for.

" ... have the fucking BALLS to be a woman and have a fucking baby the way the universe fucking intended ..."

That's an anatomically fucked up viewpoint if nothing else. Didn't you hear what they said about the brown acid?

Question for Fits; is it wrong to poke the animals with sticks? Also, should I drink less?

Second question if I may; is there anything better than a hug when it's really needed?

My Friday question:

Do you find Bevis annoying? Like, how he is obviously desperate to be included as one of your friends, he hopes that by repetition of what contact he has had with you (HE WENT TO SCHOOL WITH MARIEKE HARDY, YOU GUYS) he can make it so.

Does it bug you when people call you by your REAL WORLD NAME on here? Cos it would bug the shit out of me.

Oh, and if people left smileys like you displayed in last week's answer, I'd probably pack up and shut the thing down.

I guess my blog's bound to be impenetrable, it's all the shit people get sick of me talking about in detail at the pub, only in a lot more sober detail. Mostly.

If I made it a bit more user friendly and Netspeak, with various ROFL HARRIS and LOLOCAUST type phases thrown in, would the "kids" be "all up on that shit"?

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I find BEVIS annoying, too. You should try being the guy, dude! There's no escaping the mirth.

Also, I would like to nominate the crazy Anonymous at 4:33pm and 4:48pm as Humanitarian of the Year.

And Prime Minister at the next election. (Possibly his campaign slogan could be, "There's no escaping the mirth", although please don't misread that as a confession that I am the Anonymous in question. I don't even know half those swear words.)

Dear Ms Fits,

Thanks for taking the time to entertain with your bloggings!

Thought you might get a kick out of Jon Kudelka's '101 Uses for a John Howard' blog, if you haven't seen it already. He's up to 65 now:

http://www.101usesforajohnhoward.com/

Monkeyfluids also makes me laugh, but for different, and possibly more disturbing, reasons:

http://www.monkeyfluids.com/

Cheerio,

Anon (no relation to the unhinged poster earlier in the comments, I might add)

what i find annoying is people who keep bringing us the fuck down with their snide criticisms.

let's all just breathe and let each other be.

people who are just trying to score points give me the shits. including myself in this comment, because i just did (score a point)

what i find annoying is people who use the term "posts" when it should be "comments"

fuck off!

what i find annoying is people who think they own this blog, whether they stumbled across it like 5 minutes ago, or were "here at the beginning"

but fits, i admire your gentlewomanly attitude about it all.

About 1 month I ago, I started being chased by a boy who I wasn’t very interested in at all. I didn’t find him physically attractive, but for some reason, his actions and our scintillating conversation began getting under my skin (read: private parts). He persevered, I resisted, and then eventually succumbed to his brilliant brain and sultry tactics and had a wonderful evening of unbridled passion with him (involving glorious food, amazing wine, and one of the best evenings of conversation/orgasms I have ever experienced). 3 weeks later I have utterly fallen, and now the cowboy is EASING RIGHT OFF! Is this his tactic? Is he playing hard to get? Because frankly, I do not like being seduced and then discarded. This has lead me to question my looks, sanity, smarts, bedroom skills…list goes on. I am an educated woman why am I reduced to even caring!





Umm. Do you think he likes me still?

Regarding the krankivan...I drive a 1977 Toyota that is green with rust highlights. Of all the cars I've had, it's my favourite, surpassing even a 1984 Buick Skyhawk the colour that shit would be if shit was blue.
I'm sure you're aware of the advantages of such cheap cars (zero depreciation, cheap insurance, theft-retardant). But have you also noticed an often overlooked one - people get out of your way. If you need to make a sneaky lane change or butt into traffic, flash cars will part like a be-Mosesed Red Sea, because you look like the kind of person who (a) might not have ANY insurance or (b) might not care too much about occasional fender damage. It almost makes up for the AM only radio.

*butts, opinion-laden, into friday questions*

Claudia liebling, this cowboy? Methinks I have met one or ten of his types before.

He sounds like one of those people who are turned on by other's unavailability/disinterest. They go all out to win the ambivalent other's affection and as soon as they have it, they completely freak out and run.

People like this are using garden variety hard-to-get tactics - they have serious isshews, originating a loooong way back, that stop them being able to intimately connect with others & stay connected for any period of time. The only people they can fall hard for are those who are the same as them but worse. Dude needs therapy & lots of it.

Please do not be questioning your fabulousness because of his withdrawal. The only thing you have done "wrong" is become interested in him.... because he's tried so hard to make you that way.

I could be wrong, but if you want to test out my theory just back right off yourself - way back. If he returns like a wet nosed puppy scratching at the front door of your affections, desperate to please then bingo... Then just to be sure be all keen and affectionate and see if he bolts.

Look after your warm heart.

I know it is probably best to ignore the above rabid posting but I loved the sentence: "motherless fucking cunthole paraphernalia motherfuckers eat my promiscuous cock expanse". Why it reminded me so much of Booth's "Sic semper tyrannus" I don't know but I had so much time on my hands this morning that I translated it (roughly) into latin: "Orbus fututiones cunnus foramen apparatus matris fututi edi meus promiscus mentula amplitudo". Do you think this would be an appropriate motto for Australia's immigration department? Is it sad and/or wrong that I spent some time on the translation at my place of work?

Hey Bevis, I was thinking about your clean mouth and thought you might enjoy reading this book:

Language Most Foul

The book takes you on the most swearingest journey possible but clearly explains the social context of cursing, oaths, swearing, expletives etc etc. It's written by an Aussie woman so it also has lots of great local examples in it. Highly recommended to any wordsmiths.

Seeing as that last offering wasn't a question I will redemm myself as follows:

Ms Fits, can you please tell us if you appear on the Champagne Edition of the Late Show DVDs? Or do I have to somehow get pirated versions of the entire series to see your appearances?

DJKL, that's very funny! What a great book. Maybe "Dr Ruth Wajnryb" is MelbourneGirl's real name?!

I love the title of Chapter 3.

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BEVIS, I would just like to point out that even though I referred to your questions as "interminable" a couple of weeks ago, the above two anons are not me in disguise because last time I was told off.

They are slightly interminable though, but I suspect that's your intention...

*skips off to find another sexual partner to defoul her ghetto-womb*

Not that being told off would stop me. I just don't believe in disguise unless I'm asking questions about fertility.

Stellar comments this week, well done everybody- except bevis, naturally.

Something niggles at me, about the snooping girl with the stretchmarked saggy breasts.

How could you come looking for sympathy?

Dearest Dollfits

Okay, here's a doozy

*holds up flannel with hole through the middle and charred edges*

I always thought they looked different somehow.

Now, I also have a difficult question.

This is Geoffrey Robertson doing a hypothetical*.

Imagine during an interview with a totally unimpeachable (I mean totally unimpeachable) source you were told - off the record and must never tell anyone - who the Hilton Bomber was and why the bomb was exploded.

You keep your word and don't tell a soul - except close family of course in an off-the-record kind of way.

Then that person dies a few years later.

He has told his family the same story but never another journalist.

The family may not want the secret told but could absolutely verify it, and did to you, off the record.

Would you write the story even if the family didn't want to be a part of it or would you just walk away from it.

There's a whole big journalistic ethics thing here I'd like you and your readers to get your head around.

Oh, and the bomber is still alive.




PS: My veri-child is kslhalu. It's Hawaiian for kiss and hug all night. I kinda liked the image of tropical beaches and hot bodies and the wordy child has luvly warm biscuit coloured skin.



PPS: *Actually not a hypothetical at all

Life. It's a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality. Can't do much about that but for those other STDs one gets from slut lipstick feminist cunts I may have the outbreak, sorry, breakthrough, for you. I'm John and i'm a Phd candidate working on an instantaneous saliva test for HIV and other common STDs. When visiting prague I noticed the whores there are ultra hot compared to the pieces of used shit that inhabit australia, and I wanted to break them all one by one thing is I fucking HATE being forced to wear a raincoat just because of all the other johns and, in the case of 1 in 4 young australian females according to ABS figures, uncle nasty fingers too, so I had the idea of the saliva test, so I could go the raw dog, to quote eminem, "with any whore with genital warts on the warped tour". The clinical trials begin in August and the working name we have the product is called SpitSlip. Because you get the whore to spit on the swab, and you're right to slip it to her disease free. No one likes to get to the stage where it is time to insert your PIN and you see the ant farm on a chick's box and it's transaction declined, it's insufficient fun. We feel this innovation could even make me australian of the year in 2011 when SpitSlip hits chemist shelves. Think about it guys, no more wasting your precious man-time tuning some VD carrying cunt in the club when you could be off inventing civilization and engineering bridges or beating women in IQ tests, just swab her glass when she goes to slash. And you're either ready to venture some more capital or cut your losses. Plus the sex holiday potential is fantastic. We have several major pharma giants considering the product so load up your portfolio with biotech stocks, book a flight to eastern europe, or if asians sluts are your thing, asia, and get ready for some raw dog action. There is no need for the filthy franger any more, so kick away that pig skin and pick up the other kind of pig skin, because with SpitSlip you're gonna be kicking goals. And remember, a hole's a hole, and any hole's a goal!

First question ever - did you know you've been linked to from abbotsford blog? - no, that's not the question.

Do you, like me, laugh out loud at the antics of messrs Spader and Shatner on "Boston Legal", particularly Shatner's little girlfriend ...

Frank from Abbotsford (no, not near the dead body).

Ms Fits,

Love the blog - thanks for regular LOL's :-)

Found this and thought of you :-)

http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2007/03/top_15_unintent.html

Matt.

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*rolls eyes*

Relax, people.

Some words for you to consider:

Sarcasm. Context. Backlash. Goodbye.

BEVIS, seriously dude, since you clearly have a real-life relationship with Ms Fits, why don't you interact with her through that medium, rather than online. It's tedious and boring for the rest of us, and - frankly -embarrasing for you.

I wish MelbourneGirl would stop commenting on EVERYTHING posted on this blog. What an annoyingly smug sycophant she is. This blog was fun untill Fits' friends sucked the life out of it.

where the fuck did that come from?

i thought i had my head down.

there's this guy (i dream about him). when he looks at me i feel propelled upwards. i'm not myself around him, but i love it. i feel like i'm not asleep anymore. i wonder...

what eighties song did i just paraphrase?

dear anonymous, ifindbevisannoying and other bevis-related anonymouses,

it's not all about you.
the internet does not exist solely for your entertainment and you don't control the content.


yours sincerely,

anonymous.

What exactly is vinegar made from?

ps - I don't think Bevis is annoying at all.

I wish Melbourne Girl would shut up too.

why must everyone be such jerks when talking to, and about each other here? what's happened to these q and a posts?

How hypercritical is Anonymous?
Complaining about other people commenting frequently.


Here is a link for the Lily Tomlin v David O. Russell I Heart Huckabees clips.
http://www.omgblog.com/2007/03/omg_how_emotional_lily_tomlin.php

Does The Age let you know the number of viewings your articles receive?

They do if you're a Fairfax blogger; must get more page views, it's all about the page views... *rocks back and forth*

Is it wrong that whenever I visit my agent I have irrational and yet quite overwhelming fears that they're about to take me aside and say something like "Look, we all gave it a red hot go, but we're going to have to let you go, Clem"? Have you ever experienced similar k plz thx.

Why does Clem Bastow go by Clem? Isn't Clementine a beautiful name? I think she should be Clementine. Clem, why do you shorten?

Dearest Dollfits,

Can I make a wee suggest. Can we all ignore any nasty comments under the name of anonymous?

It seems to me that if writers don't have balls to own up to who they are, we should let their wimpy butts hang over their chairs in silence.

The only time I was nasty (sorry Scientician) I at least had the courage to say who I was.

I'm even brave enough to attach my name to mis-spelt and badly phrased Bevis limericks. Well, I could just be plain stupid.

(Hang in there Bevis - who cares if a bunch of anony-mouses - not anony-men or anony-women - like you or not)

Oh, and one last thing. Do you think it might be that the Libs and CDP types are just taking out their recent clubbing in NSW on your blog.

Oh and one last, last thing - I do drivel on, don't I.

Mr Reucassel (I'm sure I've spelt that wrong) was in the area of the newspaper I was relief-editing when he droped into Debnam's press conference in nothing but his red budgie smugglers (with or without socks - I'm not sure).

Should I call up some of the photos and send them your way?

With a bit of Photoshop magic that fan who wants a pic of the pair of you in a state of near undress might have her dreams come true.

I will provide the leopard-skin bikini for your half of the shot.

Cheers and chuckles all.

Oh, and I ran Mr Chaserbles picture on the front page under the headline, Election's a joke.

Well, it was and he gave me the excuse to say so.

My word-veri creature today is zfgloi.

That's the sound light makes when it turns solid streaks across the room and sticks to wall like drippy mud.




I blame the drugs.

lady,

who do i have to kill to get on your blogroll? hopefully not you. or me. as that would be awkward.

so glad to read of the happy marryings. HURRAH!

all is going strong re previous agonies, which as an aunt, you counseled so wisely. i'm kind of thinking of adding him to here. or not.


xxx

"d) Your word verification comment makes me interested in you. Prelude to dating in 2007? Discuss."

Yes, alright. How do you feel about an afternoon of trainspotting followed by a detailed discussion of the Australian Accounting Standards Board's adoption of International Financial Reporting methods? With a social life like that it goes without saying thay I have a number of ho's and bitches that you will be in competition with.

Gosh, what a lot of nasty stuff. I haven't been reading this blog for long, but would like to say that anyone who loves the Muppets as much as Bevis does has me as a fan.

Boring trolls zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Me question. Ms Fits have you ever struggled with monogamy? Currently in long term lovely relationship, yet the eye and imagination wander, causing much stress and confusion. How does one get to Sinead O'Connor's graceful state of not wanting what one has not got?

Sorry about bein' anon, don't have a blog.

Hi. I hope I'm not too late.

When Thank God Your Here returns Tom Gleisner will inevitably surround himself with beautiful women and pretend like it happened out of luck. In every episode. I know live TV shows do this - they put the good-lookers front-and-center and it's all business as usual - but I can't believe Tom Gleisner has sunk to this level.

That's not my question, this is. I'm very curious to read the Bolt article on you. I can't imagine what rubbish he came up with. I googled it to no avail and I even employed the Monash Uni Factiva archive to no avail. Will you pplleease show it to us?

Me again of the monagamy question. I've given myself a name.

Apologies for the previous anon, don't have a clue.

You can call me Easy for short.

It was you I wanted a signed photo of, dork -- tho I see you are on first name terms with Dan Redacted. Is it because you called him a hottie? Anyway, a little disappointed you don't have any tv/radio publicity photos I could have, tho I imagine you have a lovely arse. As arses go.
What's your shoe size? I'd like to send you some knee-socks.

As a disclaimer I want to point out there is absolutely zero sexual connotation to that, I don't have a sock fetish (if such things exist), I just thought it might be nice.