Reasons you will hate me

Hi Fits,

Short time reader, first commmenter.

Glad to finally be first, and might I say you made a valiant effort in the face of all that vitriol in FQ&A #63. Please don't let it get you down. Remember FQ&A #69 is coming up, and it is bound to be special... and yes I mean that in the sleaziest way. Don't think we don't remember what you want for your birthday.

Getting together at the Corner sounds fab, but it's awfully Melbourne-centric. Couldn't we organise something more central, like, oooh I dunno, the Birdsville Pub or something? I hear the pineapple juice at Uluru resort is to die for.

My actual question this week is deeply personal/political/personal/political
(which is which? oh to be an Arts student again.)
Are you a member of a union? I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be. If so, do they offer you discounted movie tickets and Entertainment Books and such?
Personally I like unions but I don't see why they need to affiliate to the Labor party.
Dreadful business.

Anyway, you mentioned that you've slept with some people who commented in this blog. (Don't think you'll live that one down anytime soon.) Can I tell people I am one of those aforementioned commenters? Seems there's nothing interesting to talk about down at the bowls club these days.

PS. I've been away for a while. Did we ever find out what band INC was in? If not, can I start the ball rolling again?

"I know it is probably best to ignore the above rabid posting but I loved the sentence: "motherless fucking cunthole paraphernalia motherfuckers eat my promiscuous cock expanse"."

It sounds to me like something produced with the new Filthy Word Edition of those magnetic fridge poetry sets. Particularly the slightly odd use of the word "expanse".

"Can I tell people I am one of those aforementioned commenters?"

LOL. Apparently.

re 80's song - wrong! - it's so much more obvious that that (or so i thought)...
though i take your point about all 80's songs being about the same thing, except maybe computer games and we didn't start the fire.

Fits: Not that I have any great wish to pull aside the curtain, but did the word splenetic spring to mind or was it plucked from your thesaurus? It seemed quite apt and not out of place, but it is a somewhat old-fangled word.

Of course there's no shame in consulting one's Reader's Digest Word Finder anyway. It's just the sensible use of one's tools, except where -- as often happens for me -- it leads to somewhat contrived phraseology.

Also! My next Friday question will try not to over-analyse your vocabulary. It would be creepy to do that three times in a row.

Do you think Mrs Reucassel had anything to do with sending our Craig out in public in his smugglers?

If so, a very smart move on her behalf, as it certainly dampened my ardour to the point of near saturation.

How soon in advance should I start planning my 40th birthday party (July 6th, incidentally), and what the hell am I going to do to celebrate the occasion? Passing out on the bathroom floor is so last year/night...

Hello Ms Fits,
Delurking with intent.

Two very rudimentary queries:

1. Is what we've got here a failure to communicate ?

2. So much nasty of late - why can't we all just get along ?

Kind regards
Dork

Hiya Fitsy...

My question relates to a particularly spiteful "tribute" site, possibly penned by the delightful Anon from #63. Should you wish to (if you haven't already) you can go to [insert real surname]watch.blogspot.com

So my question is, how do you feel about being subject to such a site? One might imagine a professional shit-stirrer such as yourself would revel in it. But even if that is the case, is that joy not mitigated by the fact that it is a woeful, barely literate and short lived effort of which the author should rightly be ashamed?

Oh, and my darling wife would like to know if they really are your boosies that the darling author has so heavily featured. She - and I, it is true! - find them quite lovely! Am I not truly blessed to have such a wife?!

But the way I've chosen this time to ask my question as until now I didn't realise you had abandoned the pretence of anonymity that you'd previously maintained. We thought ourselves very clever to have tumbled to your real life, barely-secret identity some considerable time ago**, but it's not our place to give you away!

** Why wouldn't we pat ourselves on the back? With only references to your published writings, radio and tv appearances and a detailed statement of your ancestral line to go on it was VERY DIFFICULT INDEED!

I was just merrily laughing my arse off a the people who had you confused with the rival Q&A posting hottie...until I double-checked and found the joke was on me, I was on your page after all, which explained all the Ms Fits references.

PS where can I request a signed picture?

If one was to believe one's self to be quite foolishly in love with you -- however ludicrous and completely absurd, not to mention inappropriate, it should be -- what would be the best way to express this?

Hi

First, I would just like to get to know you better. (sorry)

Seriously, as someone who devours at least 3 novels a week I always take it upon myself to ALWAYS follow up book recommendations. However a quick seach on Amazon shows at least five books published in the last few years entitled "Bliss". Be more specific?

Also. Do you ever go to La Mama in Carlton? If not, you REALLY REALLY should (really).

Cheers

Anonymous said...
To the slut who isn't sexy enough.


Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Was that an audiotion for The Aristocrats?

http://tinyurl.com/27qwyx

Sorry to cut your lunch here Fits but, Peter, I think it's safe to assume that the hardywatch blog is a piss-take on RWDB's rather than our esteemed host. The name of the author is a bit of a give away. The musical interest in Nik Kershaw & S-Club 7 might be another hint.

ps. verification = sfxjholi; I usually get slapped when I say that in public.

hello ms fits,
what do you wish someone would ask? also if you could answer your mythical favourite question, that would be useful too.
also, if you get married, will you become mrs fits?
have a charming weekend.

ps it took me three tries to post that because the word verification is becoming increasingly difficult. or i am becoming increasingly less-smart. shoul worry?

Fucken hell. Skeletor, Caz and The Hack have quit TSSH. Now I'm lost, and looking for a new site to loiter in. I met you once and you were very kind. You even made me a coffee. So can I camp here? I have to ask a question, right? I am both a card-carrying Green-voting leftie and a monarchist. Is that plausible to anyone? Because everyone I mention it to finds it ludicrous even though I sleep soundly enough at night.

Dear Ms. Fits,

I am wondering whether you would consider, in order that we might return Friday Q&A to the fun-filled and airy-spirited affair it used to be, doing a Best Of Friday Q&A? You must have some favourites of the bazillion questions that have been asked of you. I wonder though that some of the nasty commenters might be put out by not being able to have nasty comments answered on a Friday, so perhaps the Best of Friday Q&A would not end up being on a Friday? Or do you think this might remind them (or learn them real good) not to take life too seriously?

Greetings Fits,

What news hast thou? Hope you've been well.

No question this week, a short rant rather. (Fuck off i'm a Turk & am allowed to be 'violent')

What is with cunts having a go at Bevis last week? Seriously guys, let it go! (or fuck off, your choice.)

It's the internet & everyone is allowed to post whatever they may wish. I guess what i'm trying to say is DON'T PROJECT YOUR INSECURITIES ON OTHER PEOPLE YOU FUCKTARDS OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN & STAB YOU REPEATEDLY IN THE FACE!

Some people are just so rude.

Anyway, do take care, M.

Ps - you're gorgeous!

x

Listen you interweb heavies,
Lay off our good man Bevis,
If it's the fight that will please,
Just see Mephistopheles,
And he'll toss your bodies into a crevice.

Don't think I should give up my day job quite yet.

Fitsy,

Regarding the 'It's all sticky' spiderman comic that appeared last week... Have a sqizz at this lovingly compiled collection.

http://www.superdickery.com/

It has a whole range of amusing comic outtakes... including some rather risque Superman vs Batman images.

Oh, and my question is... is Superman a dick?

Veri-word = kbarrfu

A bizarre form of candybar related martial art? (Kiwis will understand)

Look, i thought I'd shoulder your load a bit and at least keep you updated on how the beloved cheese at 'cheddarvision' is doing. It has been checked by quality assurance type experts and ALL IS WELL. Also, i second the glowing reports on Boston Legal. Would you like a copy? (note Friday question) Yes, i'd breach copyright for you. After all, you were kind enough to agree to a threesome (Don't think I've forgotten). Vaguely on that topic how does one navigate the "I'm not wanting a relationship just now, but sex would be just lovely" scenario? It seems to be fraught with danger. Is it not difficult to stop yourself liking them too much? Must you close your heart to how adorable they look when sleeping, their gentle hair strokes and patience with your endless questions, to protect it from breaking? Let's not even get started on the self doubt it creates... I wish i could just live in the moment but i keep thinking perhaps i should walk away now and let him come find me if or when he wants more. In short (to perhaps save editing) how the hell does one just enjoy a purely physical relationship- is there some kind of guide? I'd really like to figure this out, for he is the very definition of hotness...and YES it is kind and generous of me to be willing to share him with you. You're most welcome.

Hello Ms Fits.
Finally I have something interesting (I hope?) to ask, after having read so many editions of the Friday questions, maintaining a slightly intimidated silence...
But have you read and what do you think of The Neon Bible? A Confederacy Of Dunces is wonderful, one of my favourite books ever, and I was perfectly prepared for disappointment from John Kennedy Toole's other, lesser-known book. I loved it. And it irks me that no one ever recommends it, or even mentions it, ever.
Thank you for devoting your Fridays to us - I am not a Q&A-hater, by any means.

What do you think of the Age's blog "Third Best"? http://blogs.theage.com.au/thirdbest/

My own feelings are in constant flux. At first, it enraged me in the same way that Vice enrages me; the kids who were overlooked by the popular clique at school band together and make their own rules about "coolness", and, in the process, create their own little world of self-conscious and self-proclaimed hipsterism which is every bit as small minded and exclusive as the mainstream (and about as original, too).

But then again, there’s something appealing about their enthusiasm and the fact that they literally tell the Age readers to go fuck themselves. And I’m reluctantly aware that part of the reason they make my blood boil is that they remind me of my own cringe-worthy “original” phase …

Publishing it on the Age is a whole other issue. Does the fact that they're on a broadsheet mean that they have to offer more than their "..and man look at the boots.. Owwww Owwww AAAAAHHHHOoOOoOoOoooO!!!!!!!", or is it fair enough for them to say, we're just having a laugh and if the Age wants to publish it, that's their problem?

There’s been a lot of commentary on them: everyone from Opulent http://opulentmagazine.com/comments.php?id=602_0_1_0_C to your co-bloggers Mel http://footpathzeitgeist.blogspot.com/ and Andy http://www.camarilla.com.au/2007/02/26/third-best/ as well as the blog’s myriad commenters have chipped in.

That was all a bit odd. I haven't really had the opportunity to read your Q&As for a few months and so when I do get round to it it looks like the whole things been reduced to a dockyard brawl. If anything, for a while back there I thought the Q&A was heading dangerously in the direction of a love-in and it'd soon be time to give it the once over with the garden hose but yeh, obviously I wouldn't wanna be advising people on buying stock in these things.
Bottom line is, I hope the vicious turn things took didn't get you down. I get a real kick out of what you write and would rather hear your normal chipper tone than the "is this really worth it?" kind of resignation I thought I heard at the end of last week. Keep your chin up, love.
I guess before I go I'd better legitimise this with a question..................alright, fancy anything in race 5 at Dapto?

All the best, Berndt

afternoon,

i've been living in my apartment for about two years, on my own, sans cats, listening to elliott smith & occassionally watching the west wing until the sun comes up. i like to think that while i'm ballsy & brave & outspoken out on the streets, mostly at home i mind my own business & keep to myself. i live above one person & across from another in what seems to be an increasingly thinly walled apartment.
in the last two months two separate neighbours have complained to the body corporate about my late night activities. first off, i was listening to music late into the night which apparently is offensive to other occupants "in the extreme". righto. i suggested they should perhaps knock on my door if i was upsetting them & ask me politely what the fuck i was doing & i would stop. as i would. i'm not a cunt, i don't intend to inflict my strummy, quiet indie music on the unwilling. i thus haven't listened to my music at night without headphones which is stunningly reminding me of living at home with my parents again & not what i had planned in my mid twenties.
just this afternoon i received a call from my landlord informing me that my late night activities (stomping & door slamming, apparantly) have forced a neighbour into a "majorly disrupted lifestyle" & into wearing ear plugs (!!!!) to bed at night. i feel awful. i never wanted this for us in our giant apartment complex. i turned the music off & i don't even watch the west wing past 9pm anymore because of its orchestral moments & need for the dialogue to be audible at least. it's just silence & me writing with some cereal. or so i thought, at least.
so my question is am i the utter neighbour from hell or has the world turned to absolute shit where busybody no life neighbours can only punish unwitting offendors with the help of a regulatory intermediary? am i unreasonable to expect someone could just knock on my door & ask me to shut up? i'm 5 foot six & blonde & smiley looking, i'm not sitting on my balconey with a rifle. sub question, should i just move? is it because i live alone that i'm an insensitive cow? what the hell happened to my life?

if you could answer even one or two of the above, i'd be most grateful. happy easter.

Ms Fits said...

" I thought people got out of my way on the road because I had a variety of charming waves and 'oh, do you mind awfully if I...' "

Sorry I can't do the quoting thing properly, but I'm afraid I'm one of the members of the codes illiterati.

Anyways.. I drive a LOT in peak hour traffic, listening to the Breakfasters, The Ghost (my fave), or whoever else is on.

You know what really eased the stress of dealing with traffictards?
It was when I started mentally translating their particularly vacuous waves to: "I'm a cock."

Is this awfully too cynical?
I'm not kidding, it really helped me deal with them. Do I need help?

And why is there a wheelchair nex to the word verification?

quite simply, what song do you want played at your funeral and why.

Was hellglitter nasty toward me? In what respect? I can't even remember the occasion. Can we forget it and go back to being vaguely aware of each other?

I want to know, do you actually believe in fate, or destiny? You often say things like "not meant to be" or if something is "meant to happen". Are you just using these figures of speech from habit and with deference to their ease of expression, or do you truly believe the is some is direction in what goes on?

Hello Ms Fits!

Do you use myspace? Until recently I thought it was for fourteen year olds (just read that it's the prefered medium for teen breakups) and events managers.

To my utter delight, I just discovered that John Howard has a myspace page.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=51859681

(At least, I want to believe it's real). Best of all, it looks like he may have had a staffer set it up, only to forget about it, because comments such as

"31 Mar 2007 9:19 P

Hey babe,
I just got a brazilian.
Do you want me to send you my old hair so you can use it as a tupae ?
Love you , and I'll be thinking about you in bed tonight ;)
xox Lizzzzzoiiiii"

remain up, three days later. Other absolute crackers include:

"29 Mar 2007 11:39 P

fuck all you racist bastards. you all deserved to be kicked in the balls 10 times. we all know that john isnt some kinda racist so stfu everyone wanting australia being for whites only.

besides, without asian youd all be caucs. lose"

and the succint

"Fucker".

Um, Ms Fits, my post was written under the influence of alceehol, and I am kindly asking if you could remove it. Yes yes, I know free speech and all, but...

I tried your email, but it didn't work, at least, not on my computer. So puh-leeeease Ms Fits, supress (drunken) free speech just this once, and be happy. that there is a revoltionary, who is also happy.

I just got a brazilian.
Do you want me to send you my old hair so you can use it as a tupae ?

wouldn't it be better suited to a merkin?

yes, this is a question but my "real" question follows.

I recently relocated to a charming little cottage in a delightful neighbourhood that pleases me greatly, my home life is lovely and I have a new cat and wonderful friends and I even have my own little space for making things and yet I have lost every skerrick of creative urgings.

How do I get it back?

Will you be buying one of these
when they become available?

Apparently they're available on Wednesday 4th April, so by the time you answer this question my copy will already be in the mail!

hi ms fits,

you've mentioned time and time again that you're into hanging out in pubs armed with your fav. novel and nectar of the juniper gods and i'm curious about how you manage to keep the flow of such a lovely arvo/evening when you must take a trip to the ladies' room. do you leave bags/coats/stuff strewn over the table in the comfy little nook you've settled into, trusting that no-one will take off with your fav granny cardy/bag your friend brought back as a gift form overseas? or do you take your bits and bobs with you and do what you've gotta really fast, hoping that your table is still vacant when you get back to it?? any handy tips for those of us still working on perfecting our techinque would be greatly appreciated, ta.

hope all's well in your world,
b

Dear Ms Fitz.

At the risk of being hammered by some of the oh-so-brave anonymous posters for being a suck, I'd just like to say thanks for not pulling the pin on Friday QNA.

If I may use a Footy analogy, everyone has their form slumps and hopefully as time progresses, the questions left for your consideration will work their way back to the loftier standards for which I became a regular reader of Friday QNA.

My question(s), if I may...

Permission to use "... eat my promiscuous cock expanse" in its Latin translation on my tombstone? It's not exactly up there with Spike Milligan and "I Told you I was Ill", but it's a start, and I'll take it (if permission be granted).

Supplementary: Not having any understanding of Latin beyond "Fortius Quo Fidelus" could someone help me out with which part of the translation: "Orbus fututiones cunnus foramen apparatus matris fututi edi meus promiscus mentula amplitudo" is actually "mothefuckers, eat my promiscuous cock expanse"?

And for what it's worth, I think more people should apply themselves to similar pursuits while on their employers coin!

Are you going to answer the leftover questions? Please help me with the monogamy question.

I sound pathetic I know, but saw non-partner object of lust today and feel like I'm sinking or something more poetic than that which I can't think of at the moment.

There was talk once about this around these parts, i don't know but it looks like these fine folk could be the antidote to the profligate dressing so commonly practised by the youth these days, viz emo sorts.

Can you not find it in your heart to recommend it, you beacon of sensibility, you stalwart of taste, you purveyor of paragons?

Hmmmmm......?

Hello Marieke, I'm not posting with a question. I just wanted to compliment you on your views in tonight's episode of The Book Club. I thought you were incredibly astute and well spoken. Of the guests on tonight's show you were by far the most perceptive - a genuine inspiration for me to continue finding the time to read amid current toil.
Katie

Googled ur name after tonite's episode of the book club on SBS and stumbled across ur blog. That was one freakishly long post!!??

Gotta sawy u looked HOT on the show 2nite. I wouldn't normally watch that show but thought hey what the hell there's a hot chick in it hehe

do u guys ever review business books or just fiction novels?? i don't read anything but business/personal development books that's why.

cheers,
Mic

Hello! Er...I'm really only posting to validate my existence ( I didn't even know you had a blog till today!), but I'll ask a question, I guess:

Is it true that, as a 28-year-old writer and performer who has yet to achieve any sort of worthwhile profile, I should "keep plugging away"? Or is plugging away an idiot's folly, and I should go develop a drug habit instead?

My sister got to meet you, how green I am!

My computer's doing silly things, I don't know if I'm posting this twice...

After the venom of last week's q&a, can I just change the tone a little by saying a big "Thank You!" to Clem? She was on RRR last week during Breakfasters, and they finished by playing Andrew W.K.'s "Party Hard". How have I missed this music before now? Entirely pointless bouncy rock music. I approve, highly.

As far as an actual, proper question - I noticed that at the Pet Shop Boys performance tonight, the dancers were all male - no females at all. What's all that about, then?

Oooo. I just saw randall's comment asking about funeral plans. How about a post for people to state their funeral preferences on the record? Sort of like the Confession Booth, but not anonymous and far more gloomy.

Personally, I want a wake, with my coffin in the corner being used as a bar. If people are going to have drinks in my name, I'm fucked if I'm not going to be there. If someone wanted to drill a hole in the lid for the supply of alcohol, that'd be excellent!

Alanis covering Fergies 'My Humps'

Funny?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2uBfi4miC8

They're screening First Tuesday Book Club on SBS now??

Hello, Ms Fits, well done on the book show - my daughter and I think you done rilly good.
Hang in there, Jen will think twice before she throws schlock at you again.

I don't know if you've been following the case of Kathy Sierra at all, but the reason that I'm bringing it up here is that I've also noticed an increase in the amount of sexually abusive posts here in the last couple of weeks. I have no problem whatsoever with obscenity, particularly when it's also funny, but the anonymous posts that seem to have been appearing lately seem to have a degree of abuse and malevolence that I've found a little disturbing (eg the ones left on the post about Gabi's wedding).

Although I think that Kathy Sierra was overreacting a little (and the idea of a blogger's code of conduct which is being floated around is overreacting a lot) it does make me think a bit about the role of blog comments as a forum for every nutjob with an Internet connection. What are your thoughts ? Have you ever thought of just deleting comments that are too hateful/obscene/misogynistic ?

Actually I see that those comments have been removed from the post about Gabi's wedding, so I guess the answer to my question is yes.

Might have paid to do a bit more research one that one, I guess....

Hi Ms Fits,
I have been reading your blog for a very long time now and have finally found the courage to ask you a question... are you proud of me? (not my question)
I have a beautiful, yet slightly deranged, 5 yr old Golden Retriever, who over the years has collected a variety of nick names. Including, but not limited to... Fluff Guts, Fluffer, Princess Puffy Pants, HR Fluff 'n Stuff, Woofy McWoof Woof, Puffasaurus, Officer Sniffy and Missy (the fact that she doesn't actually get called by her real name much anymore, and never knows what to respond to, may account for her previously mentioned mental status).
Lately I've taken to calling her Ms Fits...
Are you offended by having a canine counterpart, or quietly excited that I hold you in such high regard I have subconsciously starting calling close to the most important thing in my life after you?

Big Matt Stud, if I may interject - there was an interesting report about the Kathy Sierra thing on Hack the other night. The general conclusion seemed to be that a code of ethics would be impossible to implement. An interesting point that came up was how people often reacted more strongly to online criticism than offline, because their online personas were self-created rather than actual.

I imagine that in a perfect world blogs would be hosted and contributed to by people who generally had a sense of human decency. As well all know, this ain't the case.

I don't think Kathy was over-reacting. Some of the stuff that was sent to her was vile. I've read some disgusting things on blogs, some of them just in the last week. The sexually driven filth is the worst. I don't see how people can bring themselves to write such disgusting, morally bankrupt shit.

Oh, and my funeral song would be Van Morrison's Into the Mystic, which (unintentionally ironically) would also be my marriage song.

Also, Ms Fits, you didn't answer my question about clem bastow. Was she offended by my asking? If this is the case, I sincerely apologise to her - it was not a barbed comment in the slightest.

It seems that many people get a little too serious about your candid web blog.

Does it annoy you that people think they know you from your blog and want to ask you out?

Wanna go out?

Dear Ms Fits,
I think I might be quite belated to the bandwagon but I too dreamily remember a time with this friday thing was all crustless cucumber sandwiches and mid80s Flake ad re-enactments and soft plinking music and amusing usage of the verb "fuck".

My question was going to be, should one read country specific literature whilst travelling or is it acceptable to read Middlemarch (excellent book, first time I had read george eliot and now I'm a fan) whilst sunning oneself on the shores of the Caribbean and discussing the quality of coke with the local bar owner who is also sunning herself on the beach with her three sons (the youngest loves catching crabs)? Anyway, I've since read Love in the time of Cholera which was written by a man who lived in the country I was travelling through and I found it gave me no further insight to my surroundings at all.

My question is now, how are you? How is Collingwood going (not the football team)?

I read your blog every week because it reminds me of home and makes me verklempt in a good way (also, charmingly written, witty, etc etc)

xxkate (nee Herbert)

im confused. its saturday (isnt it?) and theres no 'a' part of friday q&a. did you take a holiday for jesus? my 5 year old came home from school this week ranting about how its mean to stick people in caves and put nails in their hands just cos you dont like them. took me a while to work out what he was on about.

anyhoo, question

oh, first, thanks for being on the lookout for someone to see ben kweller with me. ive got one, but i just thought i'd put the call out to see if anyone else was interested in catching up. so thats my question, anyone else interested in catching up at ben kweller next saturday night?

sorry to use your q&a as an advertising space, of sorts

update on stupidboy that started this whole fiasco. his gf broke up with him after reading emails between the two of us that mentioned the sex we'd have and the fact that he thought she was boring. good on her, i say! except that last night i got a message from him saying 'im in tasmania and will probably have sex with an ex while im here'. it didnt actually say that, but thats what the conversation boiled down to.
so, i am still going, he wont have a gf there, but he will have an ex who's he's been fucking for the last week.

dont worry, the decision has already been made and he knows, there will be no more awesome sex for him from me anymore.

also, i thought you'd find this amusing
http://www.defectiveyeti.com/archives/001949.html

Ms Fits -- you recently suggested one could try asking you on a date, in response to a rather garbled expression of affection. My questions I think really are this; i)Do you ever feel slightly uncomfortable about it? ii)Surely you aren't so polite that you'd automatically accept any date offer made to you? (obv. excluding any that are less date like and more pornographic) and I guess, iii)Is all of this wondering completely pointless if we're not even in the same country anyway?