Friday q and a #69.
Look everyone! Friday q and a has gone all rude and Carry On!
*enjoys private moment sniggering like schoolboy*
Let's try for a moment to put aside images of men and ladies locked together naked like chinese fingercuffs and focus instead on the glories of a week spent knocking heads with clever women and contemplating a full Friday's worth of weird and wonderful questions...
d said...
Dear Madame Bloggod,
Thank you for shining your rays of personality my way previously, my inner attention seeker was most pleased and warmed.
i) Please do have cards made up that say Ms Fits, Blogmistress. I believe creating business card titles may well be one of my, to channel David O'Doherty, very mild superpowers. Be sure to scan one and show us all when you have done this.
ii) I have reflected upon your thoughts on 'Occasional Furniture', and I think I may have discovered a problem that has plagued us Generation near-end-of-alphabetters. Equating a fuckbuddy as a teacup of loveliness may well be investing too much emotion in them already, thus leading to the possiblity of our emotions putting Donnie Darko styled invisible hooks in to the person. If we already think that someone is an Earl Grey of desire, perhaps attempting to sleep with them without attachment is only going to end poorly?
Or is it all just about perception? Are there levels to the fuckbuddy relationship that we need to devise a naming scheme for, somewhere on a spectrum between 'sporadic sausage wallet' and 'i would count the grains of sand in the sahara for you just to give this a go'?
iii) I don't really rub shoulders with the jewellery rattlers, but I'm sure your spunky self and many of your readers do from time to time, and would love to permeate some slang through the elites. Having you pick up and run with my adjectival utterances would be quite the ego kick, and quite possibly help balance out the dire situation my work holds for me currently.
(I've not meant Santo, but I seem to swing between thinking he'd be great company over a dinner to thinking I'd want to escape as fast as possible from any possible situation I'd cross him in. And on Working Dog, have they lost any edge they used to have? Do they just pander to the conservative masses nowadays with lightweight variety? Are Chaser the only troupe who are 'keeping it real' nowadays? )
iv) Perhaps you're right re Daryl Somers. Though I'm not so sure about BB, given this series seems to have the same bogan flavour to it as usual. A friend of mine keeps telling me the show would be more watchable if all the housemates were recovering addicts going cold turkey.
v) Speaking of Aussie drama, when are you going to save us all and bring it back to FTA with something wonderful again? Admit it though, your blog would make for wonderful character/situation fodder.
Good morning, d. I hope you don't mind that I've edited your lovely breezy conversations with certain other commenters as the day will slip right out of our grasp if we spend too long sharing pithy quotes over virtual petit fours.
So.
i) More menial tasks for me to undertake in my spare time? Alright then, I don't see why not.
ii) I think creating a 'Spectrum Du Fuckbuddy' is an unnecessarily complicated exercise, really. Obviously there are those we share fleeting breathy encounters with who we'd rather like to hold our hands during the excessively violent bits of Pan's Labyrinth and if they were to one day introduce us to their friends with the words 'This is who I've been telling you about' we would respond with pleased blushes. Additionally there are others who kiss us repeatedly on the neck that we privately wish would go home before daylight and take their dirty towel with them. Can we not just have a blanket term for both? Intermittent Bedmate? Augury of Lust? The Vagina Whisperer?
iii) It's difficult for me to criticise Working Dog as I used to be a completely obsessive D-Gen fan and any moments of 'why the fuck are they fawning over Jeff Kennett? How incredibly disappointing' via the Panel are coloured by the genius of Shitscared and 'Like a tigerrrrr' and so on. Apparently Joseph Heller is consistently criticised at literary meets for never writing anything else as good as Catch-22, to which he replies: 'Yeah, but I wrote Catch-22. So....'.
Presumably the room falls silent at that point.
The men of Chaser are obviously the current torchbearers of right-on humour, bless their hearts, though I'm sure there are others out there attempting to fly the flag.
iv) Your friend is a genius and should work in programming.
v) I'M TRYING MY BEST, YOU MUST BE PATIENT.
That question just took me an hour to answer. I dread the remainder of the day.
Jeremy said...
I opened a magazine the other day and there you were, telling of your younger days with The Sharp. The Sharp!
Did you ever see them again? Do you know whatever happened to them? The last I could find of them was this horrifying appearance before that Wilkins character. Were they like that when you knew them?
I did like that song, though. And the D-Gen "skivvies are back" pisstake. That was gold.
Oh dear. I couldn't sit through that interview, I'm afraid. And yes, I did know them around that time. Forgive me my
Dr Nic said...
here's my question: where's the lavish praise for my use of the term "ginger minge" earlier this week? Huh? Huh?
And also – well hell, in my line of work I've come to expect a certainly level of criticism and it def gets a little personal some times. But how do you handle it Fitzy? All the anon posters who just come in for a sledge – I don't think I could cope with a lot of it, so how do you do it?
a) Dear Dr Nic - you are gasp-inducingly wonderful for using the term "ginger minge". Have you been working out/I like what you've done with your hair, etc.
b) Oh, you know. Some days it just bounces off, others it becomes a little tiresome. I've stated previously that I'm more concerned about what those closest to me think of my personal habits/writing, and it continues to be the case. Obviously I'd prefer not to wake up every morning to some faceless cocksucker loftily informing me that I am unfunny/heinously unattractive/lacking in moral fiber, but in the end I continue to be gainfully employed and attractive men occasionally kiss me so naysayers can go suck it.
catbrain said...
< RYWHM EDIT >
I digress a little... as I was "there" I could not be "here", which meant I couldn't go to the Circus Pie Classic, so questions abound:
1. What did you cook?
2. Was Lord Peno as wonderful as always?
3. What was the most interesting dish of the night?
4. Was it Gabibabby/BobLogette's first official outing and, if so, how did s/he cope?
5. Did anyone set The Corner on fire?
Apologies for the edit - I am beginning to fear the length of Friday q's will crash computers Northcote-wide and am pruning accordingly.
1. I cooked pan-fried shitake mushrooms with blue vein cheese as shamelessly poached from here.
2. Oh, yes. Is Ron Peno not the Quentin Crisp of Australian rock and roll? Discuss.
3. Macromantics and 'The Doctor''s team made some interesting dishes that involved mushrooms and chocolate which made the judges feel weird. Also the ever-delightful Bob Log liberally squirted some of Gabi's breast milk over his chicken chips and it proved the most controversial recipe of the evening.
4. Sadly, Ms. Delilah stayed at home with her mama. The kid was twelve days old, give her a break.
5. Not literally, no. Though 6 Ft Hick certainly smouldered.
The Book Grocer said...
Hello.
It's no better up here.
This is my new blog.
http://thebookgrocer.blogspot.com/
See you soon
xo
Hello, darlin. It's good to have you back. x
Emma said...
Hello there Fits
I read with jealousy you claims of writing all day and eating all night.
So my question is this: would you mind at all giving me a list of what you are currently working on? Just for fun and further jealousy.
Thanks Fits.
Emma
Boy, at the moment I'm kind of busy. I'm writing a weekly column for the paper and a children's series which is in development with the ABC, storylining and writing scene breakdowns for a show on SBS, developing an eight part black comedy with funding from the AFC, writing scripts for a new channel 7 show, making strange appearances on Sunday Arts, acting as a senior contributor to Frankie magazine, sporadically contributing to Crikey, reigniting Polichicks, hosting a weekly radio gig on Triple R, appearing once a fortnight on 774 ABC and flying up to Sydney once a month to do a televisual book show. I am also being an above-par mother to my dog, working on a book idea with Mia Timpano and going on the occasional date with smart and funny men.
I think that covers everything.
Anonymous said...
Hey Allen in Munich.
Sorry to steal your thunder but I'm living in Berlin, which I believe is a little more geographically distant. Don't get too depressed, I'm sure some Sharon Stockholm, Ollie Oslo or Rachel Reykjavik will put their hand up to claim the crown.
S aus Berlin
Sweet, Berlin! Guten Tag, and all that gutteral-type grunting. Say hello to my friends when they pass through town, please.
p.s. Bags me a crack at 'Ollie Oslo'.
Anonymous said...
One day in the hideously near future Ms, you shall realise that simply hanging out with famous people and rubbing furiously against their coats will not help you in any way. Sorry, what I meant to say was that having other people hanging out with you and rubbing furiously against your coat will not help you in any way. Fuck, it's so hard to keep up with who's coat is the currentest that I may have lost track of my thread.
Oh well, random characters shall verify my words.
Woah. ARE YOU TELLING ME FROTTAGE IS NOT MY FRIEND?
*re-evaluates life plan*
Clarence Worley said...
I am an international reader you demanded show themself. It's 9.30 am and I am starting work in my office in London's Leicester Square, and when not reading blogs instead of working, I like to spend my lunch breaks sitting on the grass outside the National Portrait Gallery.
Since I've revealed myself to you, and so early in the morning too, I shall ask a question:
Have you any plans for visiting London, and if so would you care to meet me for tapas?
and while I'm at it, big fan of your book club programme. Could do with something like that on tv here. How would I -- with no experience in television and no connections -- go about first convincing some man with a cigar to commission the show, and who would they need to talk to in order to do that? Maybe they could just show yours...
Hello, Clarence. A pleasure to meet you.
At the moment my travel plans consist of three trips to Sydney in June, one potential visit to Adelaide, and a holiday in Vietnam some time in July. After that I'm open to suggestions. If I'm not knee-deep in painful scribblings I'd love to duck over to the UK for tapas. And anyone who says it's excessive lengths to go to for a date simply doesn't have the spirit of adventure we freewheelin' types do.
p.s. I have absolutely no idea. I suppose you could just write an email to the BBC with a link to the book show website and ask them to call Jennifer. I'm sure she'd be game for a few international flights/literary conversations with Julian Clary.
Fever Dog said...
Tell us about your first kiss?
My first kidlette one was underwater with Jono Adams when we were about four or five. From memory we held our breath and pashed madly and wetly for all of ten seconds whilst avoiding the ever-terrifying creepy crawly. I still enjoy unconventional kisses like this if you're buying, by the way.
My first proper grown-up one was at my thirteenth birthday party during a pablum game of 'three minutes in the bathroom' with Elliot Arnup. I was tormentingly in love with his join-the-dots freckles and oversized teeth and thus was bitterly disappointed when he pretty much devoured my face with all the ravenous energy of someone ending the Forty-Hour Famine with a family sized margarita. I emerged from the room covered in saliva, the envy of all my friends, and most certainly A Woman. Bless you Arnup, and all your tiresome spitballs.
The Last Scientician said...
Is the use of irony getting boring?
Is the misuse of the word irony getting annoying?
Am I turning into a grumpy old man with nothing better to do than complain about the "youth of today"?
Seriously, though, when my contemporaries begin to use the current (read: five years old) internet lexicon in jest, as a pisstake, and finish using it more often, and for longer, than the objects of their derision, is it time to just take a few deep breaths and start again?
It might be like those times, though few and far between, where the original joke is so funny and stupid that it makes us laugh harder and harder, and the slightest movement of eyebrow or mention of irrelevant object sends us off into still more painful rounds of gigglefits. Until we subside some minutes later dabbing tears from our eyes, and sighing, and clutching our aching ribs, as someone who just entered the room says "What? What were you laughing at?"
Which sends us into another round of uproarious laughter until beer dribbles form our nostrils, and we honestly can't remember what we were saying.
What was I saying?
1. No.
2. Probably, for pedants of grammar like yourself.
3. Oh, I don't know. Probably. But what does it matter, really? I've grown used to my beloved Jessfamer throwing in regular ROFL and 'OMG UNSUBSCRIBE' when we are conversing, and don't get me started on Clem Bastow and catbongz. It took me fucking ages to get the O RLY thing and I'm not quite prepared to give it up as yet.
4. You were saying: 'Which sends us into another round of uproarious laughter until beer dribbles form our nostrils, and we honestly can't remember what we were saying.'. Now go have a Horlicks, you've earned it.
Anonymous said...
i too am an international reader, in London, but i don't get up quite as early as clarence worley.
my question, fitsyfoof, is this - do you have an opinion on the work of Dave Eggers?
'Fitsyfoof', huh? You know I do rather enjoy the increasingly exotic range of nicknames bestowed upon me in this here den of ill repute. I also love soy sauce, but that seems beside the point somehow.
It took me two goes to read A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, though I'm particularly glad I got through it. It's nice to see someone approaching literature from a bent angle, and obviously I'm a devoted McSweeneys girl. Overall a resounding tick, wouldn't you say?
Irene said...
Hey there Miss Fits, long time reader, first time commenter. Just wondering how you stay motivated to do your work in a world filled with so many distractions? (interweb, live music, lunch dates, copious amounts of tea, knitting, podcasts etc etc) I'm finding it very hard to get anything worthwhile started or finished, and you seem to have accomplished so much. I know I'm capable of great things, but little things keep getting in the way.
word verification: pzncjppc - the sound a zipper makes when you're undoing it.
I really have no idea. I am one of the most undisciplined people I know, and constantly stopping work to stare vacantly at the sleeping dog or pore over the myspace comments of boys I am chasing. At the very least I'm parked in front of the computer most days from about 8:30 onwards, even if it's to answer emails or watch Kate Fischer on You Tube. Eventually something gets done.
Also: I don't answer the front door when people ring my dying bell during work hours. Even couriers have to use the slot. Fnar fnar, etc.
pgtw said...
Long time reader, first time commenter, la de da, feeling expansive...
apropos of nothing...
"I've never really hoped for more than being able to stay at home writing during the day and go out for stupidly excessive dinners with an excellent book."
...yup. I'm not sure it's all that good when 'ambition bites hard' and compels (in any conventional sense). Not that I really know. Just a thought.
> That said, I should've fucking written a book by now. I'll get around to it eventually.
...maybe, yes. In another way, 'you done good' in a small/big way as an exemplar of sorts (kill me now...larfs at self) to 'others' who may want to write/express themselves? At least you have through this particular portal. (Not just you, but you're a part of 'it', as are many.)
Something about humour, too. In the face of seriousness and its dead-weight inertia that just 'stops' anything. It's 'serious', it must be respected...why?
'traipsing', possibly my favourite word.
(No take me too serious. Just words to be played, with)
Hm. The only question I can really dig out from there is why 'serious' things (inverted commas model's own) must be respected, and to that I reply 'by whom'? I always respond far more respectfully to well-crafted and clever humour than someone beating me over the head with a verbose message of right-oningness, though I may be out on a limb with that one. Make me fucking laugh and I'm yours forever.
Anonymous said...
For that man last week who has concerns about his willy:
I like them small. A lot.
I'm a Technique girl.
I think willies are over-rated, to an extent. I have to be extremely interested in the man before I will even manufacture interest about his willy.
It's such a shame that men seem to have so much of their self-esteem and identity tied up in their willies.
The fact that you care so much about pleasing your lady counts very much in your favour.
My young man has willy hang ups too. We've been together nearly three years and he hasn't let me anywhere near it. The poor dear has some sort of birth deformity. There are times where I burn up with rage - I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR PENIS, WILL YOU JUST FUCKING PUT OUT, etc. For the most part I feel compassion and empathy.
Thankfully, he doesn't let me leave the room until I'm glassy-eyed and barely able to stand up. So I'm not missing out. He's just so scared that I won't love him anymore. And won't believe me whatever I say to the contrary.
You know why I stay?
He's the only man I've met who I don't have to dumb myself down for, don't have to hide what I am thinking, don't have to submit to him in an argument, don't have to bow down to his ego and don't have to pretend to be something I'm not in order to conform the ideal of what a woman should be.
And I love him. I still get excited when I see him, every time.
Cut yourself some slack, dear. She's probably with you because she thinks you're an awesome human being.
Lay that lady of yours back one lazy Sunday arvo and figure out what gets her rocks off. See if she'll show you how she likes it if you're not feeling confident enough.
Enjoy.
Dang, woman. You've got yourself what's known in the industry as a 'keeper'. Good to hear you're being well looked after.
And yes. Men of RYWHM - pay close attention, please. You are more than the sum of your penises.
Tim said...
I had a busy weekend last week with Lola the Vamp's show on Saturday and the Circus Pie Classic on Sunday. Something I liked about the Libertine Revue apart from the people in 1920s costume and Lola the Vamp managing to stare straight down the barrel of my camera (I don't even know how she knew were I was), was that there were a couple of older women in the show that were really good. Do you think housewife burlesque has legs?
I thought one of the main objectives of modern burlesque was to give everyone a guernsey, regardless of age/gender/shapeliness. I've seen scantily clad lovelies ranging between eighteen and forty-five shaking their potatoes to bump n grind music and may I say I'm the better for it. As long as there are open-minded audiences and folk with a penchant for sexy broads I'd say apron-string burlesque is here to stay.
Clem said...
A couple of Qs:
1. I am "quitting" writing (or at least going on long long-service leave, possibly to sit in a hut, near the beach, with wireless internet and listen to ATC feeds from JFK Approach). Will anyone care?
2. I now have two tattoos and for my third, I can't get the idea of a space shuttle (NOT Challenger or Columbia, jokers) out of my head. Is this incredibly naff or will I end up "fuck you"/nerd cool like the hot chick I saw with a full sleeve Dalek?
3. Cillian Murphy: Y/N ? (I say YES YES YES, particularly after he smouldered - hinting at a deep well of male/humanity's sadness - his way through Sunshine, which incidentally is brilliant.)
Okay that's it for manic Clem now.
1. I will. Don't take your bat and ball and go home, Bastow. You have a way with words and you know important things worth sharing with the world.
Also, re. hut on beach: Can I come?
2. Jesus, woman. Slow down a little.
The beautiful thing about tattoos is that there ain't no hurry. I slowly added my four over the course of seven years, and wish I'd waited a little longer to think the first retarded daubing through clearly. In answer to your question: you could never be anything but nerd cool, even if you tried. You were on The Einstein Factor, for christ's sake. Please note: this is one of the many things I love about you.
3. Y. Though he's kind of a got a bit of the 'spread out face' thing like Emily Browning:
Additionally I'm not the only person who thinks you're kind of special:
pgtw said...
Clem, you gotta clue. Haven't you? You're a writer. It seems.
Hope you can lift yourself above the shitty, pointless 'stuff' and find something.
(fuck that's lame. but, whatever, you got 'something'.)
You do indeed. GET TO IT, BASTOW.
sundayalice said...
It's all too much for me today. I woke with a heavy brick like sensation in the centre of my chest. Even a good session with headphones on blaring Underworld's Born Slippy into my skull didn't dislodge it. I've been taking deep breaths all day. Still HBLS in chest. Have just been at a friend's for dinner and all the Pink Floyd, Guns and Roses and Tool they chose to play (which I still can't figure out) drove me to a warm muffled place under the doona in the spare room. Which is unusual for me because I can appreciate a good rock fest as much as the next closet bogan. Of course the nap means that now at 1.44 I'm wide awake, reading the blog wondering about the filth of the 'towards and away, towards and away' thing and the other one and the mystery of where the bloody hell that nonsense comes from. Good news though. Just saw a video hits quick bite about Madonna. Madge (peace be upon her) being Madge, talking about her ginormous ego, slipping in bits about her kids and having hand holding prayer sessions pre concert backstage is all well and good. But Guy Ritchie striding in on this palaver and saying 'come 'ear will yer, give us a kiss love' was too delicious for me and the large HBLS in chest now feels lighter. Bless the Brits. Today. me and the brick are off to bed.
Yeah, the 'towards and away' gentleman freaked me out a little too. Not to worry, a new Friday has dawned and hopefully the chestbrick has departed.
toot said...
there are some truly wonderful patrons still propping up the bar in your saloon, madame fits. keep the sweet liquor flowing.
Oh, that's a nice image. Singapore Sling, anyone? Bar's shout.
An Anonymous Coward said...
Good Morning Ms Fits,
I hope this day finds you well. In answer to your question concerning my advice giver being a god botherer, well at one time I would say that they bothered god quite a bit. These days however they are more of the 'god can go to hell' leaning. I don't know whether I should be upset by this or not... it seems a shame to lose faith in something. Oh wells.
I'd also like to commend you for the manner in which you handled last week's unpleasantness with utter tact and grace rather than turning your rather excellent musings into a slanging match between yourself and the faceless keyboard warrior. Kudos to you.
I have no question this week (so far) and as ever I remain your humble fan boy.
I like the notion of 'bothering god'. I don't doubt I've 'bothered' Him on more than one occasion with worrying lady-behaviour. I OFFER MY SINCERE APOLOGINGS, FATHER OF JESUS.
p.s. Thank you.
cvm said...
Lieve Fits,
Of late however i have twice encountered a young Irish man on the way to work who, as i walk past him, in a creepy voice says "i'd love to come on your tits". This leaves me feeling rather ick.
I thought i had some reasonably witty ripostes appropriate to this circumstance but was rendered too speechless to use them these 2 times. The best my friends have managed to suggest is "And i want to spit in your ass but we can't always get what we want can we?" For some reason this did not spring immediately to my lips.
Assuming this happens again can you suggest a quick response to cut Creepy McIrish down to size?
Your friends are lovely. 'I want to spit in your ass but we can't always get what we want, can we?'? Genius.
Anyway, could you not just laugh in his face? I find a well-timed mocking burst of hilarity can quickly deflate a man's erection (ladies please: time this carefully and be careful not to hurt the feelings of your dear-hearted boyfriends during crucial sexualist moments). That or hitting yourself repeatedly on the head and shouting WOULD YOU LIKE TO KISS MY BABY as nothing will make a pervert take a backwards step more than someone clearly higher on the deranged scale than himself.
p.s. pkg else is suffering too:
pkg said...
re cvm's earlier comment about creepy passerby comments:
at the train station on my way to work one day i had to pass quite closely by a young, ordinary-looking man, due to the station being crowded. in a very low voice he said, "your mammaries are making me hard" (!). as it was early in the morning and i wasn't expecting such comments, what he said didn't really sink in until a moment or two later. the best comeback i could think of on the spot was "fuck off needledick", and i didn't even think of that quickly enough to say it in time (isn't that so often the case?). so i know just where you're coming from.
(word-veri: xxifgv "kiss kiss, i forgive")
'Your mammaries are making me hard'?? Jesus christ. Was it Hugh Grant? 'I must say, the fatty deposits in your chest area are causing the blood to rush to my genitals rather rapidly'. Where do these people fucking come from?
Anonymous said...
Ah to the Anon with a brick on there chest I would get that checked, you could be having a mild cardiac arrest or some sort of arrhythmia. Unless this was a metaphor and I missed the point completely.
Perhaps, Anon. Though I'm sure everyone appreciates your hasty medical response and concern for fellow questioners.
Anonymous said...
Dear Miss Fits,
My Friday question:
What, in all seriousness, is your political ideology? Have you done the Political Compass test (www.politicalcompass.org), and if so, what was your result?
Do you believe that our society would be better off under a socialist system?
Yours ever,
Pinkio
1. I don't really put labels on my politics, Anon. And yes, I'm aware of how irritatingly 'wymmyn with a y' that sounds. Obviously I'm a left-winger but outside of that I take what I need from various ideologies.
2. I just did it then, and my results are as follows:
'Your political compass
Economic Left/Right: -5.25
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -6.21'
In other words, I'm pretty much like Gandhi. But without the sandals, obvs.
3. Some days I do, sure. Though to be honest I have little to no faith in humans being able to successfully pull it off. I'd like to be proven wrong.
mellifluous said...
It's not Rod Stewart.
Nor is it Mike Goldman.
Just so you know.
My more pressing current dilemma, Ms Fits, is this - I very much dislike the taste of cantelope/rockmelon but find it is always the most dominant fruit in a cafe-styled take-away fruit salad. Why is this so? Can I request that the cantelope be removed from my fruit salad and replaced with more appealing fruits? Or is this considered to be poor form? Do you prefer to say cantelope or rockmelon? Is one more correct than the other?
Is it Jon English?
re: your fruity dilemma:
1. I'm not sure why cantaloupe is such a pushy melon when it comes to sharing the bowl with others, mellifluous. Is it because
2. I don't see why not. The customer is always right, after all. Though I'd be wary of confusing people who work at airport cafes when opening your pre-packaged fruit salad and demanding pomegranates.
3. Nah, fuck it.
4. Cantaloupe.
5. I thought it was a Melbourne/Sydney thing. Isn't it? Like the raging 'bathers'/'swimmers' debate currently tearing Parliament apart.
Anonymous said...
What do you think of sites like these and in particular their influence on internet culture?
http://4chan.org/
/b/ is weird in particular:
http://img.4chan.org/b/imgboard.html
There's some eye-burning shit there, but they ocassionally do good work by organising and slamming shock-jocks who have been getting away with their shit for far too long.
'Safari can’t open the page “http://4chan.org/” because it could not connect to the server “4chan.org”.'
Which is a great pity, because the term 'eye-burning shit' could mean a variety of sordid things and I could use a little cinnamon this afternoon.
BBCC said...
Hello there,
When you were reading The Fermata, did you ever think/fantasise that maybe Arno Strine exists and that he had met/inspected you?
What would you do if you had the power to stop time like Arno?
1. Of course I did. At least, I was hoping so. And crossing my fingers that I was wearing particularly attractive underwear the day that it happened.
2. I would walk into Hoddle street traffic stark naked and sit on people's car bonnets. Also I would go to the Tote during a messy rock n roll show and roughly manhandle all the clientele in their pants area and then I would sit on stage and swing my legs and have a quiet glass of gin and enjoy a long and involved think about the people in my life and how I feel about them whilst gazing out at the frozen faces of those locked in a moment of rapturous musical adulation.
Anonymous said...
Well, didn't our Big Matt Stud do well on RocKwiz?
I didn't see it! Does anyone have a You Tube link?
p.s. I like that he's 'ours' now. What ever will we do with him?
Hughie said...
Hi there MF. When are you coming to Perth next? (I'm supposed to suggest we meet for a coffee in a centrally located, well-lit cafe just either side of the lunchtime rush. But I can't tell you that yet.)
There. Now that my question's out of the way, check the moments around 1:25 and 3:52. And Shirley at the end - one can just imagine her thinking "This is the one Andrew told me about..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds9u2WpvVBU&NR=1
Hello, Hughie. I am absolutely busting to come to Perth and take a drive around, so hopefully it will be sooner rather than later. Why the insistence on well-lit cafes, anyway? They sound like the sorts of awful places that plaster their walls with photographs of gelatinous food that may or may not resemble the dishes emerging from their oily kitchen.
With regard to the video - that is fucking wonderful. I like the bit with the half-naked man. Although watching footage of John Howard for five minutes straight pretty much makes me never want to have sex ever again, which is somewhat disappointing.
Easily Confused said...
Hello Ms Fits,
Having become a rabid fan of RYWHM Friday Q & A. Of course the first internet thing I do on a Friday is check if the lovely Ms Fits has updated.
Can some tech savvy person explain why after me clicking refresh multiple times this weekend (instead of doing looming deadline work as bloody usual) all I kept getting was Monday's post? Then tonight (Sunday) refresh works and not only is Friday Q & A there, but other posts too. WTF?
Ah well, it's not all bad I got to read all the confessions and be comforted by the fact that others are just as fucked up/confused/jealous/battle scarred as me and still plodding along.
Ms Fits, my lusting after the other bloke has returned, it's so boring. Don't feel like you have to provide advice, I've been here before, there really is no solution other than gritting my teeth and trying to behave like something resembling an adult. Just venting really. Thanks for listening.
I saw you on the Book Club show, I like how you just spoke normally and not all snooty like some people feel the need to on arts programs.
Do you ever wear you hair out?
Love to you all.
1. Thankfully someone else has solved this problem for me as I am patently an idiot:
catbrain said...
Just a quickie in response to Easily Confused's question about refresh:
It depends on how you have your internet connection set up... a lot of workplaces and some residential users cache the copy of the page for a certain number of days, to save downloading it again every time it is visited. Clicking F5 will not necessarily refresh the page in those instances; if it happens again, try Ctrl+F5 (known as a "hard refresh") which will download the page anew.
2. I'm sorry your irritating lusting has returned. Unwanted crushes can be so cumbersome, can't they? Try to remember your baked bean feeling from a few weeks ago...your blissfully unaware Love remains the same humble heart full of goodwill, you know.
3. Mostly I wear my hair out during moments of naked beddings, as I find it a chore to flick around like a ninny whilst eating.
Ben said...
Oh, "retarded" is such a loaded term. It always brings the mood down when you feel you're getting along really well with someone, and then they ask you if you're retarded (and "in the nicest possible way" doesn't help THAT much, because the question is a bit like invading Poland - even the nicest possible way of doing it isn't all that nice). Suffice it to say, although socially retarded to a certain extent, I am not (as far as I know) mentally retarded. I am, though, a fame whore and am willing to give up most of my integrity for a chance to be on TV. In my defence, though, I auditioned for AGT early on when I had no idea what the show was beyond, "Do you do stuff? Come audition for our show!" So I did. I did my spoken word stylings that generate laughter and blank stares in equal measure, was complimented generously, interviewed, and never heard from them again. There. Answering questions when I should be asking them, indeed.
I do have a question, though, for all the other regulars here, those that link to their own blogs. Does spittle-flecked Anonymous man go to your blogs and bark madly there? He keeps coming back to mine and using hostility to veil his quite obvious erotic obsession with me. I wondered if I was the only one.
And a question for darling Fits...um um um. Er...do you like cricket? Do you know Shaun Micallef? Is Life of Brian or Holy Grail the better film? What is the difference between a duck?
PS I've read Harpo Speaks! It's my favourite Marx Brothers memoir too. To be fair, it's the only one I've read. I aspire more to Grouchoness for the being funny, but I must say I think it would have been more fun being Harpo.
PPS Sorry this is so long again. I crave attention to boost my self-esteem, what can a boy do?
Gracious, Ben.
Let's cut to your questions:
a)do you like cricket?
I guess so, sure. I used to be crazy about it as a kid. I even had one of those big foam WE'RE NUMBER ONE fingers, which I ache for now.
b)Do you know Shaun Micallef?
I wrote a guest role for him in my kids show years ago, which he very kindly agreed to do. I sat on the floor and gazed up at him adoringly while he delivered his dialogue.
He is a bit of a silver fox pin-up boy for me, I must admit.
c)Is Life of Brian or Holy Grail the better film?
Life of Brian.
d) What is the difference between a duck?
I googled this (yes really), and the best answer I found was 'And'.
So there you have it. And is the answer.
richardwatts said...
"But yes, for the most part men like Ben Cousins who wear odd beanies to hide their amphetamine-sodden hair are pretty much wankers."
Darling Fits, all men are wankers, save for that 0.01% who are Young Hillsong Liberal members, who dare not touch their members in case John Howard and/or God strikes them dead.
Disturbing image. Ahem. I can't remember at this point if I had a question or not, so allow me to make one up.
When was the last time a film, play or painting moved you to tears, and who was the artist/writer/director responsible?
Also, how does one come to have amphetamine-sodden hair, and does ice style ones flowing locks as well as other products? Also, if I am hanging out for a line, would snorting my own hair get me wired, or just be very, very silly?
Surely all men aren't wankers, Richard. I know some rather lovely ones just waiting to be fawned over by the right person. SHOW YOURSELVES, MEN AWAITING FAWNING.
First - the last thing I saw that moved me to tears was a puppet performance by friends of mine at Dante's in Gertrude street. It was an adaptation of Wilde's 'The Nightingale and The Rose' and was so unutterably perfect and heartbreaking I was helpless with sobs and needed to take a long walk afterwards. I'm not much of a crier so the fact that I couldn't even face my friends afterwards to say thank-you was kind of a big deal. They were very pleased by my state, the devilish geniuses.
Second - Presumably the drugs soak up through the roots and out the ends, though I'm clearly clutching at straws with this idea. I'm just going by the fact that people who have taken too many amphetamines start to smell a little fruity all over eventually and some of it simply has to be coming from their sweaty scalp.
Third - 'Snorting my own hair'? Are you high right now, young man?
Rich said...
Hi Guys, my name is Richard... I herald from the depths of hell and damnation - Ie. Whyalla South Australia.
Just wondering, does Miss Fits have an email address?
Ms Fits does indeed. It's reasonsyouwillhateme@gmail.com.
Eleanor Bloom said...
Dear Ms Fits,
Re your book club comments: “I waxed lyrical about Slaughterhouse 5 in a youthful and borderline naive manner that made everyone on the panel pity me a bit ...”
I don’t think they pitied you at all (they were probably merely jealous of your ‘youthfulness’ as they’re a bit of a tired old lot next to your blooming and porcelain beauty).
I, personally, was very pleased that you brought such heart to the book club. When you spoke of being humbled and honoured by the book, and sad that you would never get to ‘drink’ the words again, I felt rather moved and so pleased that other people in the world respond as strongly to books as I often do (like you, I too have a preference for the company of books and canines over people – well, now, there’s a strange image…).
Re Emma’s query: I believe at the end you spoke of your heart being ‘broken in a beautiful way’ and referred to words going through your blood and veins. It resonated within my own blood and veins, dear girl, and made me inwardly sigh with pleasure - and I think that’s what the other panellists were doing, which resulted in that little …pause.
So please continue to be the wonder that is you Ms Fits. Your heart is as lovely as your alabaster skin (do not fret pet, the skin is well revered).
Warm regards,
Ms Bloom
PS. Was also impressed by how you classily picked your teeth at the close. Such abandon, yet such grace!
PPS. Oh, and in regard to the commenter who insulted your beauty and made the suggestion you: should rip out [your]uterus now and turn it into art…
I suspect they may be a lover of the artworks of Frida Kahlo who painted her uterus (look in that floating abdomen) and, by the way, was (like you Ms Fits) a unique and passionate individual, and equally inclined to wear sizable blooms in her lustrous, dark locks. (So, how are your painting skills?)
And, seeing as this is in the Friday q.s lot, do you always wear your hair in insouciant bunches with floral accessories? I find it difficult to stick to one hairstyle and was wondering if you instead find consistency in coiffure comforting.
(Hmm, I have now read some other posts and see hair has become a bit of a theme. Happy to see my first post is fitting in. And good god, am I sick of Ben Cousins! I’m in Perth and he’s irritatingly ubiquitous. He’ll hide the hair on his head but keep flaunting his hairy – and I’ll admit, nicely muscled – chest… his head’s surely muscled too...)
That is very kind of you, Ms Bloom. You have just made me feel nice all over.
In answer to your questions, my painting skills are wholly heinous, and for the most part yes - I do wear my hair in pigtails with floral accoutrements, no matter how increasingly ridiculous I am appearing to the outside world. The outside world can bite me, to be honest.
p.s. 'Insouciant' is one of my new favourite words, so I'm a bit in love with you for using it.
p.p.s. 'Detritus' and 'Moribund' are two of the other ones.
Ben said...
She painted her uterus? She must have had a really long brush!
Zing!
Boom, as they say, and tish.
catbrain said...
Big Matt Stud looked rather pleased with himself whenever he answered a question - good on him! It's a bit nerve-wracking actually being up there - I imagine it would be 20 times worse with large ComFest crowd.
I actually do have a question that I'd like to put to everyone, if that's OK...
We have to move house and I'd like to move to the north side, preferably around Brunswick area, but other areas considered (please provide details thanks for your input); MrC is working in Berwick and will continue to do so until the end of the year at least and doesn't want to travel any more than he currently does (around 45kms/50mins each way).
After a bit of discussion on the weekend, he will at least consider the northern option if the travel times pretty much match. I suspect, for that reason, it's not going to happen because he'll have to take either Burke or Hoddle St with the rest of the traffic, thereby probably adding at least 15 mins to time and about 50% to stress levels.
oh yeah - Citylink's probably out of the question too, although I tend to agree with that one, what with the general public coming under heavier surveilllance / Panopticism / that sort of stuff.
Anyone got any ideas?
Thanking you, in advance, for your assistance.
I'm afraid I don't understand this question at all, though this may be because I just ate two mandarines in a row and my eyes have gone a bit funny. Are you asking about places in the north side to live, or cunning cut-corner travel options for your partner that equal out to roughly 45kms/50 minutes each way? IS THIS A TRAFFIC-BASED QUERY?
Hurry, someone else step in before I start to look foolish.
Big Matt Stud said...
Go, Big Matt Stud. Did you attempt to tonguekiss Julia Zemiro?
Do you mean did I go with a sort of "Hello, nice to meet you, big fan of your work, can I put my tongue in your mouth ?". Unfortunately I did not, although she did announce later on in the show that she was pining for love, so it's possible I missed a chance there. It does seem that she's pretty much over being the "it" girl for 50-ish balding music nerds though.
Thank you to the other commenters for their compliments on my performance, and catbrain, I think the expression that you might have been noticing on my face was more like relief that I had managed to open my mouth and have something other than gibbering nonsense come out (it was pretty nerve-wracking).
But these are not questions, and this blog is not about me, so my question for this week is (again) about the Circus Pie Classic cook off at the Corner Hotel last week. In the Beat magazine article on the event, Dan Kelly was asked "Which competitor are you most wary of, and why?", and his answer (in part) was
Holly C's overt gastro/intellecto/sexuality is always mildly threatening to me.
My questions are these:
1. How's that gastro/intellecto/sexuality thing working out for you ?
2. How does it make you feel to have Dan Kelly speaking admiringly of you (at least I think that's what he's doing). He's quite the young spunk, and even as a committed heterosexualist I can imagine that it might make me feel a little funny in the pants to have him talk about me that way, I can only imagine what it's like if your proclivities lie completely in that direction.
1. Fine, thank you. How's yours?
2. I know Dan quite well, so find it somewhat odd that such a handsomely capable gent is publicly stating that he's threatened by me. Obviously he'll have to get over it before we're married as no-one cares for a kowtowed* husband, not even Barbara Cartland.
*this is another favourite word, please take note.
Anonymous said...
My question - DO your proclivities lie *completely* in that direction? I'd have thought they tended that way, but with an occasional detour. (And i nearly wrote 'proclitivities' - Freud would be delighted.
Do you mean in a heterosexualist direction? No, they don't. You're correct in your assumption.
Think I've got something in my hand said...
Dear Fitsy Doctor,
Last week when I asked for some reasons to stop idealising you (let alone hate you), you answered my question thoughtfully in pictures and words, which was very un-hateable of you. In fact, you were pretty unsuccessful in achieving your goal, even with the Spiderman mask and crotchless bodysuit.
It struck me that perhaps you quite like being adored by the masses. Hm. Well, that's understandable but (adoping a croaky "the end is nigh" voice and waving a finger in the air) - remember that the masses are a fickle friend, and its loyalties can shift in a trice! Today may the world be yours, and bask ye in its warmth; yet tomorrow may it shift to Guy Sebastian or Princess Margaret in the flash of a starlet! Sample ye the fruits of the masses' idolatry yet gorge not, for the feast may turn to butterflies and dazzle even while it disappears!
I think those anonymous posters are a bad influence on me, I'm not usually drawn to ranting. Thanks for putting up with it. Anyway, amongst your strangely likeable dislikable qualities, you said one thing that sent me all existential. "Hope that helps chip away at the fourth wall", you said.
Oo, er. I have a fourth wall? I thought you had a fourth wall and I was an audient. But in this brave new world of blogging the audience becomes the show - perhaps I have my own fourth wall too. Do you think my fourth wall is the same one as yours? If we chip away at it does that mean I can pass you giggly schoolboy crush notes through a little hole in it? Or are they like rooms in a large five star hotel overlooking a thronging sea of viewers and suddenly I need to heed my own rantings? Should I get an agent?
Confused,
Melbourne
I don't think dodging the barbs of daily anonymous abusers necessarily counts as being comprehensively adored by the masses, but thanks for the BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH-type finger pointing. With regard to our shared fourth wall and your ultimately highly confusing questions, I'd wager that were we to work hard enough at shattering hard-won illusions before too long we would be clambering over said wall and selling off bits of the chipped old bricks on ebay to those keen to share a piece of our illustrious history and asking us with wide-eyed wonderment how we ever managed to find each other through such a morass of perturbation.
Easily Confused said...
Thanks catbrain. Will go the hard refresh this weekend.
Ms Fits (and anyone else) HELP!
After having lovely longish chat with the OTHER BLOKE yesterday, today I'm sitting here trying not to email him for some flimsy reason that I can make seem valid (I'm good at that sort of thing)this is friggin ridiculous for so many reasons:
* I have a fantastic partner.
* Having a secret affair would likely lead to me having a nervous breakdown.
* The OTHER BLOKE is more than likely NOT even interested, he has a partner.
* While I have an alright self-esteem about my looks, I am realistic and know that I am not Helen of Troy.
* I am behaving like an IDIOT.
love,
Easily Confused
(the face that has launched the odd dinghy and a few kayaks)
Oh dear oh dear, it's degenerating rapidly.
I am a terrible person to ask about this kind of thing as I tend to follow wicked daydreamy paths all the way through to their earth-shattering street-shouting conclusion, and I can assure you that yes: having a secret affair would likely lead to you having a nervous breakdown. You're not behaving like an idiot, you're just confused and aching desperately for a piece of someone else's life. If you can avoid emailing or texting do, though I understand how difficult that can be.
If it's just getting too much for you, consider what life would be like without your partner. Are you prepared to take the step away from him in order to sort your poor addled brain clear? If the answer's yes, your path may have less to do with this new paramour than you may have first thought.
Also:
Anonymous said...
hello Easily Confused..
you do seem to have yourself a dilemma there. as a very wise friend of mine once said, "the grass may be greener Over There, but when you get there & look down there's still mud". it might seem very tempting, but you could end up all muddy... not to mention the potential tears & heartbreak.
hope that helps, or is at least distracting!
A wise answer indeed. Think of the mud! You'll get your trouser cuffs all dirty, and no-one wants that.
Rustique said...
G'day Fits,
Did you see this?
Do any but the sons of the rich get a 1pm deadline to hand themselves in over a trifling matter such as a shooting death?
Could we work in a joke about Easily Confused's face launching 1,000 dingers as opposed to a dinghy? Too crass mayhaps?
1. I hadn't seen it yet, no. Silly buggers that they are. What are they doing going around shooting people? Is it because one of them has a lady-name and he's a bit cross?
2. You've certainly got a point there. How long did OJ Simpson get before the big helicopter chase?
3. Far too crass, even for me. And you've made her upset:
Easily Confused said...
Thanks for that Rustique.
In case you're wondering you have managed to hurt my feelings. Now go about the rest of your day smiling and content, knowing that with your razor sharp wit you can hurt people.
Oh, please don't let it get to you. Presumably Rustique was just being fatuous. Launch your kayaks and be free.
Anonymous said...
Do you enjoy The Hold Steady? I think they are rather wonderful.
What I know of them, yes. Do you recommend any tracks in particular, young fan?
Anonymous said...
I've only found the internet recently (and I know this makes me uncool in your eyes) but one of the first things I've found is this blog, and fuck I love it. And not just for you, though I love you too - though clearly not actual love 'cause that would be creepy - but for all the crazy additives who comment. My question, therefore, is who are these people, and why are they so depressed? 'Cause I've read the confessions, and they're not a happy bunch.
More importantly (ie more selfishly), now that I've found the internet and want to contribute, how do I find an avatar/name/identity. I don't want to be anonymous, but then again I don't want my friends recognising my psuedo-witty, exo-flirtatious banter and pointing their finger at me in an accusatory manner.
I'm thinking avatar-retard, or becoming-unanonymous, but they're not really funny, or good, or anything, really. Can you help?
ps my word verification is 'lycra' - i shit you not.
No-one is uncool in my eyes Anon, except perhaps Daryl Somers when he tries to verbally parry with Sonia Kruger. If I knew who all the RYWHM anonymous confessors were I'd be quietly pleased, as at least then I'd know where to direct my squeezings if I ran into them in a darkened corner. They seem a diverse bunch and if I ever throw an office Christmas party for the blog they're all invited to come and share the punch.
p.s. Good Will Nony? AnonIdentity? I Still Non What You Did Last Summer?
p.p.s. If you think you're going to be able to hide your real identity away from your keen-eyed friends, I suggest you think again. LEARN FROM MY LIFE, GOOD WILL NONY.
Anonymous said...
pps Have you read The Dice Man? I think it's fucking hilarious and very good.
I haven't, though I've heard as much. Also I am completely indecisive and highly keen on the idea of taking all important choices out of my hands and placing them in the hands of the roulette gods, so it seems the perfect novel for me to peruse/make lifestyle choices by.
larson_b said...
Hi Fits!
trust your well!
a couple of questions to while away your friday... interpret how you will!
hypothetical: would you touch someone's bum if a pal dared you to do so, via sms, whilst 650km away?
curiosity: what's the best thing you've eaten lately?
political: did you gain from the budget? do you think that the previous is the wrong question to ask?
ta!
larson_b.
Hi, larson_b! So many! Exclamation! Marks! You must be EXCITED!!!!! TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
a) Of course I would. I like touching bottoms. I don't need all that much encouragement, really.
b) Probably the lamb at The Press Club. It made me find my mum's hand under the table and grab hold of it very tightly.
c) Apparently film and television will do alright out of the 'Take our free money! Please!' twelfth Federal budget. Obviously this means I am going to turn my vote around and camp firmly in Coalition-land from now on as I prefer to focus on what suits me best as an individual rather than the social needs of the entire country.
d) Not at all. Wrong for whom? I'm fine with it.
**************************
It's getting late, and I have a date with my sweet ex to attend. A weekend of blessed books unfolds, and trips to the country, and breakfast clubs. Life could be worse I guess. Leave questions for next Friday in the comments below, and for fuck's sake be good to your mamas on Sunday. They've endured so much, you see.
186 days til the next election.
Comments
fitsalicious.
what constitutes a breakfast club?
I saw your friend Travis Cotton on those Foxtel ads. I pointed it out to an actor who was on the couch with me. I am having an affair with him. His g-friend doesn't know. Too bad. HA HA HA.
He said Travis has a drug problem.What did he tell you. Whatt drugs is it?
Is that why you won't have sex with him? I woldnt anyway, he's a fag in those ads dressin up aas a chick.
This post has been removed by the author.
I love that your first grown-kiss was aged 13. My first ever kiss ain any context was 18, and some kind of misguided "pashing" in a closet inspired by Smashing Pumpkins doesn't seem very grown up now. I'm trying to think of one that does, tho.
My question this week: what scares you? Some people are scared of heights, some are scared of buttons and cotton wool. Some are scared they will be a failure and his life will never amount to anything. What scares Ms Fits?
I am very down in the dumps. I am flat broke, exhausted, feeling unattractive and just got another rejection letter. Have you been here before? Is there a cure?
squee! i missed the deadline last week. O NOES! to wit:
wtf is wrong with people who can't keep quiet at the cafe while i try to read the saturday papers? i do not need to be entertained by your mindless yabbering while i'm trying to get the target word. srsly, do people have to speak, all the FUCKING TIME? can't you just be quiet for half an hour? friendship is marked by the length of comfortable silences.
anyhoo, in other news, life is now basket of bagels, just as you promised it would be. severing the ties of the Good Ship Poison was the best thing i ever did. i now work my dream job, everyday, (hello, interviewing Patti Smith!) ontop of that, joey - not that it's your name, bucko - i'm not angry anymore. ah, concrete blonde. never a truer word spoken by a man named johnnette.
it is good to be free.
x
How closely can I base a fictional character on a real person?
You've written for TV, so I thought you might be aware of guidelines, etc. It's been on my mind for a few months to knock out a series of black and poignant skits/vignettes around the tenants of a block of flats. I'd like to base one of the main characters on an ex-friend (money,junkie, I don't have to draw a picture*) and I'm wondering how far I can use his personality and adventures/fuckups. He'd quite likely be recognizable to people who know him. Does the "all characters are not based upon, etc" cover my arse?
It's only an outline/bits at this point, and it would be difficult to sell, let alone find an actor who could convincingly portray the charm/guile/stupidity/pure fucking bloodyminded litigiousness of Mr Fuckhead**. It's a pity that only a small group of people has so far enjoyed his mystified accounts of the world against him.
*Faeces would work well as a medium, though.
**This is not about revenge***.
***Though it should be.
As always, thank you for your listening, your patience, and for your unsettling hotness.
Hello Ms Fits,
Thank you for your thoughtful advice and your time, it's really very much appreciated. I don't have many people I can talk with about this sort of thing.
"You're not behaving like an idiot, you're just confused and aching desperately for a piece of someone else's life."
Thanks for the above, you've made me feel less idiotic which is no small thing.
I've realised today that I've made myself a bit ill with anxiety about all this, so have resolved to calm the fuck down this weekend and get into my work (which I love) and try to relax.
Wishing you a fabulous lovely weekend.
xx
Tagchen Ms Fits,
Tell your friends to wear a "Ms Fits is my friend" T-Shirt and if I see them I'll most certainly say hello.
Just to clear up a common misconception, German isn't actually all that guttural. The umlauts can be real buggers though.
Whilst we're on the topic, which are your favourite German words? At the moment I'm personally quite fond of Änderungsschneiderei. My now ex-favourite is Arzneimittelausgabenbegrenzungsgesetz.
Tschüß,
S aus Berlin
To the anonymous who's down in the dumps: we've all been there before. Requited love might make you happy, but it's the painful rejections that make you grow, and lead you to realise who you really are as a person. Just think how insufferably tedious, boring and shallow someone would be if they'd never been rejected or hurt by life in any way!
None of that stops you from feeling like shite, of course ... but just remember that it will pass, that life is rarely static, and that the person who thinks you're incredibly attractive may be just around the corner ...
And in the mean time, you can always save up these feelings and use them when you write your novel. Which brings me to my question, Ms Fits: when are you turning this wonderful talent for writing that you possess into your own kick-ass novel? I'd love to read a book with even half the amount of wit and beauty that routinely grace your scribblings ...
Sorry Easilyconfused. I promise to use the preview button from now on and monitor my own fatuousness. No offence meant but clearly injudicious on my part. Am now hoping for a senate seat in the Howard government - would saying sorry preclude me from this?
No worries Rustique and thank you. I probably overreacted a bit being currently wracked with anxiety and distracted by idealised notions of torrid affairs.
Now that we've made up. I checked out your blog. Have you read any Jeanette Winterson? The woman loves a redhead.
Ms Fits I'll have a break from posting for a while (don't want to wear out my welcome) and just enjoy your wonderfulness.
Dear Ms Fits
For your Q&As
Did you ever, as a teenager or more recently as a grown-up teenager, enquire to the object of your affections as follows:
"Will you go wif me?"
PS - Did it work?
PPS - Will you go wif me?
My Dearest Ms Fits, I e-mailed you this but had intended to send it here to your q+a page.Forgive my mistake for I surely have the technical dexterity of a mud-wallowing hippopotamus!
I have a confession to make. And it is this...
I fear I have fallen for your intellectual charms - in that achingly familiar emotions-all-a-bouncing kind of way- as a direct result of reading your fabulously amusing, oft-vituperative blog!
This has resulted in a dilemma I am unable to resolve and one I feel I need your help in tackling.
I am yet to catch your apparently beguiling performance on the televisual book show to which you refer. Hence I remain blissfully unaware of whether you look remarkably like the Bob Ellis you aspire to be - i.e. windswept and interesting but in a mildly bloated fashion - or more closely resemble my acutely imagined idea of intellect-in-a-fab-unwrinkled-package that is the Bob Ellis I envision you to be.
Do I risk having my illusions shattered in attempt to put a face to the mind? Should I tune in apprehensively on the first Tuesday of next month or should I allow my untainted vision of cerebral wonder to remain intact?
I was going to point you in the direction of my blog at www.frozenturnip.com ( which I have patently just done) in the vain hope you be ever so slightly amused by one or two posts and thus begin a similiar headlong crash down the emotions-all-a-bouncing highway I have found myself on.
That is until I read on Fridays q + a - and I am para-phrasing here - that "a good laugh and I'm anyones, but a lecturing self-righteous prick can fuck quickly in the direction of off."
I am now deliberating whether the self-righteous lecturing prick need be removed, for he surely exists, and whether or not I tune in to the idiot box .
I am torn muchly Ms Fits and require immediate counsel.
Kind Regards
the frozen turnip
'the dice man' is utter crap and will only disappoint you, fitshoney - life's too short. (sorry, anonymous that recommended it). as we only get a finite amount of books, music, art, love etc to enjoy within our mortal time limitations, i strongly advise against wasting your unique brand of aliveness on a one paragraph idea extrapolated to one poorly written airport-grade novel. if you do chose to, promise me you will allow me to 'take the poor taste out of your mind' with something decent immediately or soon after? i recommend richard brautigan's 'sombrero fallout' if you haven't already adored it. re-reading it with a hendricks g&t in hand on a spring afternoon is about my idea of heaven on earth right now.
ruby.
ps. have you suppered at bar lourina yet? the tapas are simply swellegant - small, potent, delicious. be a cannibal, do. x
About the reader who's the furthest away, I'm from Finland. So there, I claim to be the most remote RYWHM reader!
As for a question, didya catch any of the Eurovision song contest just gone? Personally I was a bit surprised that Serbia won, I was so sure Sweden would actually take it, the Ark and The Worrying Kind being so delightfully eurovisiony.
That's all, hope you have a lovely day!
What should I do when I grow uo?
Up! (other than learn to correct typos)
Are you SURE it's the ABC with which you are developing your children's programme? You know, these funding bodies are mighty touchy about others getting credit for their faith in independant writers ...
Bonsoir Fiteaux,
I have a question on screen writing: how doth one know how much screen time one's script occupies? Is it word count? Number of pages? Do you read it out like a morose broken legged Bart Simpson*? Does it take an innate sense possessed only by an elite few? Dumb luck? Bizarre pagan rituals?
Please explain.
*For bonus points fill in the blanks from the Simpsons episode (the one where Bart has a busted leg and writes a play) I was referring to:
"_______ for breakfast again? Is it St _______ Day already?"
"Tis replied Aunt _____"
Adieu
(whoops - posted this in #68 and not #69):
Where do you stand (pun sort of intended) on the Dog Shit Conundrum, ie dog shit in public spaces and in particular parks and other green areas?
Is it better to:
a) leave dog shit where it lays, where it will break down organically into the earth? or
b) pick it up in plastic bag and put in bin where it will end up in landfill?
Have you been working out/I like what you've done with your hair, etc.
Why yes! Yes, I have. And it's the new girl at the salon – she just seems to know what I like.
Dear Agony Aunt Ms Fits,
I have somewhat of a conundrum this week and unfortunately it concerns an affair of the heart so I offer my apologies for turning Q&A into something a little err angsty. However in view of the fact that you can provide both a female perspective and an outside opinion I seek your advice.
I have just received an email from an ex girlfriend telling me that she is having her final night at work soon and wishes me to attend for old time’s sake as it is where we met, she thinks it will be nice to have my supposedly 'friendly' face there to wish her well. Now it is not as if the relationship ended badly or that we couldn't stand the sight of each other… it just kind of well ended. The tone of her email doesn't seem to be of the friendly banter variety but rather has more romantic inclinations so it leaves me with the following question.
Do I lead with my heart on my sleeve (as always) and attend knowing full well that it will probably lead to long sessions of me locked in a room listening to Radio Head going 'oh woes is me' or should I lead with my head and just reply 'Thank you but I don't think it is the best for either of us'?
Again apologies for turning you into an Agony Aunt and for the long rambling post.
i have happily deferred to the collective wisdom of the melbourne blognoscenti and consistently talked myself out of contributing anything of actual value to this intriguing forum. regarding the hold steady, i recommend freddy knuckles, certain songs, your little hoodrat friend, how a resurrection really feels, stuck between stations, and citrus
To the kind Anon who offered some nice words to me, the down-in-dumps Anon, about rejection. Thanks, my love life is great, it's the career that's shite...
But seriusly thanks for caring.
Actually, the answer is, "One of its legs is both the same together".
Ah, this week I am depressed. Feeling uninspired, unpopular, unwell, uninteresting, untalented and unlikely to ever achieve those achievements what I am angling to achieve through my various doings. Also, I read what I wrote last week and now I feel stupid, too.
So Question 1: What the hell am I playing at?
Question 2: Do you do interviews?
Question 3: How are you? I mean that sincerely.
By the way, hilarious fellow and generally lovely man The Bedroom Philosopher is playing at the Espy on May 25th, along with some band called The Great Apes which I have no knowledge of, and Little Red, who have been recommended of course. Everyone reading this blog should go see said gig. I hereby conclude my plugging duties.
I was watching the rich list last night and, in a list of countries, Andrew O'Keffe referred to "eff-one-jay-one", meaning Fiji.
Is this funny? I just can't tell anymore.
What do you think of Nick Hornby's work?
At the moment my travel plans consist of three trips to Sydney in June, one potential visit to Adelaide, and a holiday in Vietnam some time in July. After that I'm open to suggestions.
Hmmm... I must contrast this with your assurance that you were "absolutely busting" to come to Perth. It seems *he says with an accepting sigh* this particular busting is a wee way down the Fits Busting List(TM).
(That wasn't meant to be snarky, so please don't take it that way.)
My suggestion of a well-lit cafe was made only because I can't recall ever reading any stories involving you and Perth, and so in assuming it had been quite some time since you'd been here, I thought it'd be wise to propose a rendezvous at a setting that would cause you least potential alarm. Of course, I should've known better...
Right, four pars in and still no question. Therefore: when next you intend to come to Perth, would you email me in advance and allow me to propose two or three possible rendezvous times and places? All you have to say is "yes" in your reply to Q&A 70 and I'll email you so you have my address.
*NB. I have not stalked anyone since 1997 when I waited outside the uni dunnies for a lovely lady who was in one of my classes. Her name was Hazel (uncommon these days), for what it's worth, and I wrote her a reasonably lengthy poem dominated by Hs (Hazel, Hughie - pretty obvious) and gave it to her after a tute one day, whereupon I never saw her again.
Is this a shameless attempt by someone to get more hits on his website?
Serious Questions for the Q&A:
a) No way to sugar-coat this; Jeff Kennett has actually done a pretty fair (not perfect, but definately credible) job heading up the Beyond Blue organisation. Under the circumstances - and no one is more surprised than I to be considering this - is it time to re-admit him into the human race?!
b) Has anyone else on 'the other side' ever caused you to reassess their 'all access entrance pass' to Hell?
Which 5 D-list celebrities would u most like Channel 7 to dredge up for the next series of Dancing With the Stars?
Is it possible that with all these types of shows Australia might actually run out of "celebrities" or is that the continuing relevance of Aus Idol and Big Brother (to provide other networks with D-list celebrities)?
Speaking of which, who are your top 3 Big Brother Housemates of all time and why?
Last week's "cum" sounds like my dear old friend Statler (you know, the ass-chin muppet, wanted to suck about 22 cocks to obtain a flying car). Or perhaps it was the friend's comment of "And i want to spit in your ass but we can't always get what we want can we?" That reminded me of him. Boom. Was that you Statler? Is there really a McIrish in Canberra? And you want to do the McSpitty in his McDirty?
Anyhow, my FQ is this:
As a writer, do you have business cards? I ask this as I saw a heap of writers (novelists/whateverists) armed with them at a gig last week. Seemed weird. Actually, I felt a bit like Patrick Bateman…
Bateman takes out his wallet and pulls out a card.
PRICE (Suddenly enthused)
What's that, a gram?
BATEMAN: New card. What do you think?
McDermott lifts it up and examines the lettering carefully.
McDERMOTT: Whoa. Very nice. Take a look.
He hands it to Van Patten.
BATEMAN : Picked them up from the printers yesterday
VAN PATTEN: Good coloring.
BATEMAN: That's bone. And the lettering is something called
Silian Rail.
McDERMOTT: (Envious) Silian Rail?
VAN PATTEN: It is very cool, Bateman. But that's nothing.
He pulls a card out of his wallet and slaps it on the
table.
VAN PATTEN: Look at this.
They all lean forward to inspect it.
PRICE: That's really nice.
Bateman clenches his fists beneath the table, trying to
control his anxiety.
VAN PATTEN: Eggshell with Romalian type.
(Turning to Bateman)
What do you think?
BATEMAN: (Barely able to breath, his voice a croak)
Nice.
PRICE: (Holding the card up to the light)
Jesus. This is really super. How'd a nitwit like you get so
tasteful?
Bateman stares at his own card and then enviously at
McDermott's.
BATEMAN (V.O.): I can't believe that Price prefers McDermott's card to mine.
PRICE: But wait. You ain't seen nothin' yet.
He holds up his own card.
PRICE: Raised lettering, pale nimbus white...
BATEMAN: (Choking with anxiety)
Impressive. Very nice. Let's see Paul Owen's card.
Price pulls a card from an inside coat pocket and holds it
up for their inspection: "PAUL OWEN, PIERCE & PIERCE,
MERGERS AND ACQUISITIONS." Bateman swallows, speechless.
The sound in the room dies down and all we hear is a faint
heartbeat as Bateman stares at the magnificent card.
BATEMAN (V.O.)
Look at that subtle off-white colouring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even has a watermark...
His hand shaking, Bateman lifts up the card and stares at it until it fills the screen.
He lets it fall. The SOUND RETURNS TO NORMAL.
(brief pre-q digression follows) For God’s sake Bastow, don’t do it!!!! You are my most favourite Young Lady Who Blogs Excellently On Things I Like (Music Dept.), as ms. fits is for Book-ish things – without either of you my interweb world goes all off-kilter. In short, I will care.
Qs:
1. Is there some sort of mother lode of an online repository for catbongz? I now love them.
2. I may well be moving over to the north side of town after years of languishing in the east. Thing is, I’ll need a new café (in the Smith Street vicinity) for my solo quiet paper reading jaunts; cosy décor, cheeky/friendly staff, and a good eggs benedict preferable, in that order. Suggestions?
Those questions seem horribly pedestrian and trite after other more heartfelt/funny ones, but them's my isshews (well my surface ones anyway, inside is a deep well of pain n' that)
Ms Fits, I am asking you this as you are clearly a font of good taste when it comes to the great medium of television.
How do you feel now that Paloma has been kicked off Australia's Next Top Model? And so soon after your suggestion that she should have won the Gold Logie? Who do you like of the final four? (personally, I'm a Jordan fan. "Girl, close your legs")
And, to balance out my reality tv with something from the other end of the scale, what did you think of Bastard Boys? Was everyone as impressed as I was?
I wait with anticipation for your opinions.
Hi Ms. Fits
This is an old school agony aunt style question, and I hope you and the readers of your perspicacious blog can lighten a heavy burden.
Essentially, in the love game, in one week, I’ve gone from suffering a drought of biblical proportions, to having two options for paramours and one highly positive lead.
I’ve been working mad hours on a project for most of this year, to the exclusion of family, friends, social and love life (think Siberian miner). Recently, I had a holiday window, and have been dutifully painting the town red.
It started when I was invited to dinner with friends including a girl (A) I’m supremely keen on. I’ve known her for about six weeks and spent the night charming her. Body language and witticisms were flying and we made plans to meet her at city bar later on.
Here it gets complicated. A was dragged home by her sister. I presented at the bar and met another girl (B), who shares some mutual friends and experiences. I met her for what I thought would be a networking drink. She had other ideas, but after great conversation the night ended with us jumping bones like teenagers. I like her a lot, she’s smart and witty. Next day I got an email from A, inviting me to a home cooked meal.
The next time I went out, after losing most of my dinner companions, I headed to the ever reliable Cherry and we were approached by couple of high-calibre ladies (Cherry types are always interesting creatures). As Cherry plays music to procreate to, a couple of hours later, mood heightened, I whisked C home.
I have since been fielding phone calls trying to set new dates from each and every time I hang up the phone I feel invigourated and giddy and thinking of jokes to splice into my next conversation. Simultaneously wooing three ladies is not a good position, but I wouldn’t say I’m committed to one at the point I met the other. If I’d met each of A, B & C at a different time, I would have jumped headlong into relationships with each.
How on earth am I expected to choose? Once I get over my option paralysis, I will choose someone, but how far can I continue the discovery stage of these relationships, without incurring a massive karmic debt and total nuclear animosity if this is found out?
In your esteemed opinion, what should I do? How do I choose without angering or hurting people unnecessarily? In the moment, I thought each lady was really fascinating and wouldn’t have kissed them otherwise, but don’t want to lead them astray and be a total bastard.
There’s no ego to this question. I don’t want to flaunt my bizarre good fortune and am conscious that if I fuck it up, could be quickly back to square one.
Help me, Ms Fits and readers of RYWHM: what’s a boy to do?
Anonymous said...
Well, didn't our Big Matt Stud do well on RocKwiz?
I like that he's 'ours' now. What ever will we do with him?
I have to say that I'm very happy to have been adopted by the RYWHM community - do I get an allowance ?
Fits, are you enjoying your 69 ? (fnar, fnar, fnar). I have to say I'm a little disappointed at the lack of puerile double entendres of the Finbarr Saunders/Kelvin Cunnington/Beavis & Butthead variety, although looking at the lameness of my effort, perhaps I shouldn't be surprised. (By the way, I was most amused to find that the Urban Dictionary defines fnar as "The sound made during particularly enthusiastic cunnilingnus.", but then I'm probably too easily amused.)
But I digress, for the purpose of this entry is the asking of questions and the potential answering thereof.
Over the years there have been several noted politicians who have been taken an extremely keen interest in the activities of the trouser region. JFK and Bill Clinton obviously come to mind here, but locally Bob Hawke and Jeff Kennett were renowned dirty dogs, and I also have it under good authority that Gareth Evans was perhaps Canberra's most enthusiastic pants man, even before the days of the Cheryl Kernot incident.
My question to you, Fist, and the members of the RYWHM family who have been so kind as to adopt me, is this. Who are the modern day equivalents ? Which of our current elected representatives have earned a reputation as being keen ladies men ? Philanderers, womanizers, libertines, Casanovas ? Surely they can't have disappeared altogether from our nation's capital ?
Do they have to be specifically or exclusively interested in the ladies? Crikey a week ago carried a "tips & rumours" bit about a (quite) Liberal QLD MP who'd previously been noted as "preferring male company" but had "been all over the ladies of late".
no question, just excitement that you used to like The Sharp too. I was a right groupie back in the day!!
*reminisces*
Oh oh oh! I want to answer the Simpsons quote.
Watch me exercise great restraint! And be proud.
Onwards.
My question (as a long time lurker, first time commenter):
In the days of my impressionable youth, I believed what my father told me about the world, and I joined the Liberal party. I don't think I joined the Young Liberals, just the Liberal party. For two or three years.
Now that I've grown up (and moved out of home) and I'm not so angry, I have taken a massive swing to the left. I now look upon this period with a low-grade all-pervading sense of horror. I am ashamed of myself. As a self-professed leftie and sworn enemy of Andrew Bolt, I'm going to ask YOU this:
Am I forgiven? And am I allowed to start being actively left, or would that make me a massive hypocrite? WHAT CAN I EVER DO TO MAKE UP FOR CAMPAIGNING TO GET HOWARD ELECTED IN '04? Do you think this will come back and bite me in the ass one day? How badly?
Also, you said it took you ages to get the O RLY? thing. I still don't get it. Care to share?
I am writing this question anonymously, as I am not ready to reveal my identity for this particular question... yet.
I will be flying into Melbourne (that's a clue) on Monday so that on Tuesday I can be a contestant on Australia's favourite quiz show "Sale of the Century", or as the kidz call it these days "TEMPTATION". Yes, I am going to be answering trivia questions at Channel 9 in order to try and win some goodies, and at some point around 1.2 million people will watch my rise and/or fall on the telly. I am fucking shitting bricks, but at least I don't have to get involved in any inane time wasting on-screen banter with Eddie.
So my questions are manifold:
i) Should I attempt to make any kind of coded or veiled "shout outs" to my "posse"?
ii) If I get the chance to buy anything, should I splurge or save the money in the hope it gets me over the line?
iii) Do you think I should try and cram more useless facts into my brain in the next few days or just hope that the shit already clogging my synapses is enough?
iv) Is it a bad idea for your preferred footy team to be one of the "interesting facts" they use when introducing you?
Just as a side note I did see a guy last year who answered "Who am I" by instantly pressing the buzzer and saying "You're Ed Phillips" like he was in fucking primary school. I'm surprised he didn't say "Tony Barber". I'd say he was dared to do it by his mates. So he got the question wrong, but despite all the clues no-one else knew the answer... EXCEPT FOR HIM. Because he was locked out he missed out on a pick of the board, and he lost the game by five dollars. Stupid cunt.
G’day Fits,
Hope two posts are allowed, my first one was a retraction after all. Had to share this with all and sundry. I thought it had to be a parody but it appears to be fair dinkum - which makes it even funnier.
Disclaimer: I was googling masturbation for scientific reasons alright?
Fisty, when shall we see (in the interweb sense) the return of Bevis? He's not been scared off for good, has he?
And to the person from last week who is in Leicester Square, I'm on Fleet St, so two miles further east. So I'm staking my claim to most distant reader.
Dear Ms Fits
You are a woman of the world (I have heard you on radio) and I was interested in your thoughts on the following situation.
I am not a man of the world. Recently I have found myself to be remarkably attractive to both sexes. Two months ago I was minding my own business in a supermarket when I looked down to find that the attractive young woman ahead of me was reading a recipe on one of my prospective purchases. Even today the girl ahead of me was giggling, apologising and lingering while fumbling with her purchases.
I'm not an impulsive person, and I doubt I will do much about it all, but I was wondering what your thoughts were on all this. I suppose what I'm wondering is: am I missing out on virtually instant sexual gratification (or as instant as it can be) with sober members of the general public, or simply the usual silliness that exists in sexual relations? Wasted hours in cafes and restaurants, in an undignified attempt to obtain sexual gratification.
I have little time or energy to waste, but I am wondering if there really is sex without guilt and dinner. Am I denying the female sex and myself transendental transport? The opportunity to engage in superficial pleasures before the dreaded personality prevails?
Mostly I suspect I am simply interested for the sake of the imagination.
I enjoy your radio show. Also, I recommend My Secret Life by Walter. I haven't heard you mention it. http://www.my-secret-life.com/
Though some of it is hideous.
He excites me and I hang on his every word, but he's not the man I live with. I've been happy and excited all week, but I woke up this morning and realised the futility of the situation and started crying.
Why can't I keep my emotions at bay?
Why did they surface in the first place?
dear fitsy,
i know this is a late friday question, but i need your help.
last night, out of nowhere, the following song snippet, complete with 80's-sounding electric guitar riffs and cheesy back up vocals, burst into my brain unannounced, and hasn't left since.
"communication - am i getting through?
do you do the drug or does the drug do you?
communicatio oo oo oon"
this has absolutely no context for me. i can work out what it is, of course, but not when or where i might have heard it. please help me.
where did this anti-drug propaganda come from?
where did this anti-drug propaganda come from?
I think it was sung by John Farnham
and maybe used in a government anti-drugs ad.
Oh dear!
John Farnham - Communication
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXsZZZJZtSM
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