Friday q and a #7
Hurrah! It's time for my favourite moment in the week, Friday questions. I hope this never ever goes away as at the moment it is my only friend.
And now, etc.
Litahnee said...
Q.What would you say if he personally called you and made you an offer....An offer to become his speechwriter. Reasons: Because he 'loves your verve' and thinks you have a 'way with words'. He ends his offer with the words 'you have a whole lotta spunk' and that you remind him of Janette.Wouldja?
'He' of course, being J.W. Howard (this question was from another post and I was feeling particularly generous so I copied and pasted it, DON'T HATE ME BECAUSE I'M BEAUTIFUL).
First! I would need TOTAL AND UTTER CONVINCING that the voice on the other end of the line was really John Howard and not just Jess from Ausculture surrounded by snorting admirers rolling around on the ground pissing themselves laughing at my sweet and trusting nature.
Second! I would question the Prime Minister's use of the rather Baldwin-esque phrase 'you have a whole lotta spunk'.
Third! I would wonder if he left the words (up ya) from aforementioned phrase.
Fourth! I would change every facet of my demeanour and appearance so as never to be compared to Janette 'the nodding donut' Howard ever again as long as I live so help me god.
Fifth! I would say no and hang up.
la nadine said...
would you consider my recent fantasy of a threeway with hugh laurie and amy pohler to be "wrong" or "inspired"?
Er...
I'd say a little from column A, a little from column B*.
*NB Poehler is B**.
**NNB Take more from column B***.
***NNNB Is'NNNB' even allowed?
Anonymous said...
There's a Bettie Page movie coming out, did you know?
I did not know. I'm not sure if it's something I'd rush to go and see, to be perfectly honest. I just like looking at pictures of her in scanties.
Djali said...
I've been contemplating screenwriting a bit lately. I am not sure that it's something I'm really built for, but I was just wondering: How does one become a screenwriter? Any tips?
I have NO IDEA how one becomes a screenwriter, and I mean that with utmost sincerity. I never went to uni or studied - just got a job storylining at Neighbours when I was nineteen after growing up as a borderline retarded kid actor. The best way to get a foot in the door is experience, but the best way to get experience is by getting a foot in the door. You really need to find someone who'll take a chance on you and maybe train you up and teach you the fiddly stuff.
Having said that, a couple of mates of mine did the RMIT Screenwriters course and found it incredibly helpful. So there you go.
Rainbow Peace said...
What do you think about people who are on anti-depressants?
Would you trust someone who you knew to be on anti-depressants who seemed perfectly fine and normal - but still, you knew they were taking pills every day....
That is my question.
What do I think about people who are on anti-depressants? I think it's great that they're seeking help, if that's what they really need. I also think they can be of great assistance to people with chemical imbalances, and this is a very good thing.
I also think they're handed out too fucking easily and can be relied on too heavily.
I have quite a few friends on anti-depressants (whether this has anything to do with actually being my friend is not yet medically proven). Some of them handle it just sweet, others are a little erratic. Either way, I don't judge them for their choices. I love them.
Retail Junkie said...
Dear Ms Fitz,
Recently I bought a shirt and on second inspection at home I realised that it had a print of some naked women on the back.
The print didn't faze me too much, only that I couldn't ever wear it to anything too serious.
However recently as I have been wearing it out and about there have been some weird little men who have been going out of their way to look at the back.
I can remove the print but it'll compromise the coolness of the whole shirt, but if I leave the print I'll live in fear of some weirdo stealing the shirt off my back to oggle at the naked chicks.
What shall I do?
WHERE DO YOU SHOP, RETAIL JUNKIE?
It's hard to get a grip on this question without fully understanding the nature of the print. Is it a mass of naked ladies looking coy like on Electric Ladyland? Is it a big open labial vajootz like you see in medical journals?
Is it Ken Done-esque frog porn?
I say wear your shirt proudly. Who gives a flying fig if some 'weird little men' (did you mean gnomes?) are developing mini-stiffettes at the mere sight of your clothing? It is clearly a hot item and you need to strut in the manner of a young and thin John Travolta with a camel toe.
BEVIS said...
When is bath time, and can I have your phone number please?
Bath time is often in the afternoon or perhaps just before bed. You may have my number as long as this is not a grubby question and you're going to phone me mid-private splash.
Anonymous said...
Judging by your post of nekkid wimmin whom you enjoy, Im taking you also have a Fringe Fetish? (ie the hairsytle, not alternative arts wank festival)
a) I believe this to be a clost desire of aLOT of people - am I wrong? (I think not!) Could other peoples please post if they are in agreeance?
b) Further, and more disturbing, does this somehow correlate to more parallels being drawn between happiness and everlasting images of a "simpler times" by virtue of the Fringe being a "hairstyle of primary skool kids"?
c) Why do people like "HornyGirl" (*great* nickname by the way, actually, no, i'm kidding) only exist on the interweb, or do I need to start taking E's during the week now?
I don't know if I have a hairstyle fetish, anon. I didn't realise the ladies I linked to had fringes. Certainly the girls I have crushes on in real life have a wide array of hairstyles.
That said, a cheeky 1950's-esque fringe as sported by Lola Cherry Cola from Man's Ruin can do nice things to my 'downstairs'.
a) I've not much heard of closet fringe fetishes. Though you clearly have one, you DIRTY GROT. Should we do a post about it do you feel?
b) Only if you're the sort of person who gets fidgety about women waxing their vaginas bald and claims it to be some sort of pre-pubescent fantasy about raping eight year-old girls or whatever it is. I don't know. My life is simple enough now as it is without downball and other such primary school/skool shenanigans.
My but shenanigans is a nice word.
c) Yes those people really exist. You need to hang around the 'right sort of places', clearly. Also, you should start taking E's during the week (JUST JOKING KIDS, DRUGS ARE BAD) as life is short and so is the amount of seratonin pulsing through your vestibules ready to be plundered.
Captain Oats said...
Once you get involved,
everyone will look this way-so,
you must maintain your charm,
same time maintain your halo,
just get the perfect blend,
plus what you have within,
then next his eyes are squint,
then he's picked up your scent
sticking within the bounds of the metaphor, I wonder what your thoughts are on what amounts to the "perfect blend" mentioned in the last verse.
1 cup consideration
1 cup courtesy
2 cupfuls flattery carefully concealed
1 gallon faith and trust in each other
2 cupfuls praise
1 small pinch of in-laws
1 reasonable budget, a generous dash of cooperation
3 teaspoon pure extract of "I'm sorry"
1 cup contentment
1 cup each confidence and encouragement
1 large or several small hobbies
1 cup blindness to the other's faults
Flavor with frequent portions of recreation and a dash of happy memories. Stir well and remove any specks of jealousy, temper or criticism. Sweeten well with generous portions of love and keep warm with a steady flame of devotion. Never serve with cold shoulder.
p.s. I think I hate Christians.
fluffy said...
Dear Ms Fits
If you would be so kind, I have two questions.
a) I know of a local backyard fig tree whose branches extend well over the laneway behind. I picked about a dozen beautiful ripe figs this afternoon but there were many many more up on higher brances I couldn't reach. Is it wrong to go back next week with a ladder? If so, is it wrong to go back with a long stick that has an ingenious fig grappling hook on the end?
b) I enjoy watching the figure skating during the Winter Olympics and the diving and gymnastics during the Summer Olympics. Why do I not have a gay to enjoy these things with me?
Darling Fluffy
a) Hm. The ladder I can just about buy - just. It does seem a little corporate, though. Why can't you just scrounge together a few apple boxes and have 'Scraps' McHoolihan stand on your shoulders, wee pink tongue poking out as he concentrates on not getting caught by Old Lady Matthews?
Planning ahead when it comes to pinching local fruits might be inching over into 'stealing' territory.
That said, the stick/hook set-up is genius. And it can double as a hobo pack on your way home.
b) Jess has a gay. I'm sure you can borrow him. He's divine.
p.s. Make sure he charges flat rate and not by the hour.
Anonymous said...
I'm a good dog! Aren't I a good dog?
Why did I get into trouble for doing something I like doing and people expect me to do? It's not my fault I couldn't read her mind and didn't know not to do it.
Is that you, Bob Ellis?
This is a very very very odd question. Of all the odd questions asked on Friday q and a's, this would rank up there in my top three of odd.
I LIKE IT.
However.
What is it you have done, good dog? Did you eat your own faeces? Just because you like it and people expect you to do it, doesn't mean it's good for you. YOU COULD CATCH GERMS. Did you eat chocolate? POISONOUS. Did you lick mother's dirty underwear gusset? MAKES EVERYONE FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.
My advice is to turn those perfect dog-eyes up on whoever is telling you off and lay the charm on thick. No-one can resist dog-eyes. Unless they're a cunt. Or racist.
Anonymous said...
Ms Fits, this is a delicate, but quite serious question.
I am a public servant for the state of Vic. I work in the area of 'Child protection', that is, with a population of very troubled and vulnerable families.
I have pretty solid information that Mssrs Bracks & co. are neglecting their duty in this area. They have slashed the budgest of an already under-funded organisation. Now, I have ben a labour voter all my life, and will never vote 'liberal' but...
1. Should I 'leak' materials to the media, in an attempt to have the problems facing the underprivileged addressed.
2. If so, what is the best way to leak materials to the media? The situation is really appalling. If you want an example, the Department of Human Services have a KPI (wank speak for key performance indicator) that 75% of all cases of child abuse be closed without investigation. This is an absolute fact.
In short, should I leak, and how do I? If I'm caught, I will lose my job.
And a debate ensues...
groverjones said...
By leaking a little bit of info on Ms Fits' blog have you not just answered your question?
Anonymous said...
I don't think I have leaked, 'grover'. I am torn - do I rat on the party I vote for, knowing it will hurt them, or do I keep my mouth shut?
I think I know what I want to choose, but I want to ask someone who is a little bit media-savvy about how to 'leak'. I think it will improve things, for everybody. If there are any journos out there, wanting to find some damning government stats, just let me know...
Anonymous said...
You should probably get your facts straight before you go leaking anything, other Anonymous. Having just spoken with my friend who has worked for the state government in child protection for years, she said your 75% figure is wrong. She also said they have plenty in the budget. She's out there investigating cases each day so I figure she has some idea about the 75% mark - either that or she's failing her KPIs miserably. If you're being told these figures I'd suggest you find out where they're coming from before assuming it's Bracks & Co.
AND PETER WEIGHS IN:
Peter said...
Anonymous (the potential leaking one),
If you make a decision and you need journalistic support, contact me (peter AT glutbusters DOT com) and I will put you in touch with a journo at The Age. He is gentle and meticulous and friendly. If it's not his area (and it's pretty close) he will ensure you are cared for.
He will also ensure that your facts are correct. You would want to be pretty sure, but he won't run anything unless he is too.
He will also die rather than reveal who you are. "All The President's Men" is his favourite film of all time.
But for starters, best not to use work computers for anything, even reading this.
Good luck. I hope Fits helps you make the best decision. I wish all public servants were conscientious enough to worry like you. (Though that may lead to record stress etc).
As does someone else:
Anonymous said...
Leaking Anonymous: Just because you vote Labor does not mean you should be covering their tracks. That's like saying that half of the time (assuming we continue with our two-party dance)what the government does is ok because you like them better in the long run. That's like Howard voters saying 'yeah, we can forgive the Tampa issue because he likes our God and looks fetching in a track-suit' and etc. You have a responsibility as an active and intelligent member of society to contest anything you find abhorently wrong. With this comes responsibilty, so (as was mentioned above)the main point is whether you have your facts right.
Okay. Having never 'leaked' anything to the media myself (except a few choice column inches to my true love, Andrew Bolt) I really wouldn't know the way to go about it. Of course you have to follow your conscience, but one of the anons above is correct - if you don't have every single fact at your fingertips, don't rush out to make buddies with some beady-eyed cunt at the Herald Sun.
It sounds as though you really need to talk to Peter - he is a wise and attractive man (I have seen him in the flesh and have proof).
In the interim, do your best to try and change things from the inside. Is this an impossibility?
Soon to return said...
Ms Fits,
Have you ever lived overseas for an extended period? (ie. a year)
If so, how did you go about getting back into Melbourne life? Was it easy / hard to slot back in?
Not a year, no. I travelled around with my folks a lot when I was a kid, and have been o/s for about three months at the longest. But I find it hard to leave Melbourne for extended periods - moreso now that my beloved dog relies on me for daily love and nutrients. I love it here.
People I know who come back after a long period overseas do find it pretty discombobulating. Mostly because the more things change, the more etc. Everyone looks the same (but fatter and with greyer skin), and most folk are going about the same routines. This is hard when you've just eaten crepes on a sidewalk in Paris and given Fabrizio Moretti a wedgie on the subway in New York. It's not so much a slotting back in as it is a gentle ease. You'll be fine.
arleeshar said...
Ms Fits, have you ever had food-related body issues?
I ask this question as an informative prelude to my next question, which is about The Biggest Loser: Why is it that the Australian version of the show focusses so much more on shame than on aspiration?
The whole thing is totally off, and I am suprised to find myself feeling physically sick about food as I watch it (also note that I am of a healthy weight and enjoy lard-based foods on a reasonably frequent basis). Do you believe that this programme is designed to make people outside of the television feel this way? More trickily, if this sort of induction of affective disgust actually helps and motivates people watching the show to lose weight, how does it rate ethically?
As anyone who has ever been a nineteen year-old girl, sure. I thought I was too fat, then I thought I was too thin, then I thought I was too short, then I got the fuck over it and just ate Castello white mould cheese. Whether it's an age thing or a state of mind, I'm not sure. I just feel a lot more comfortable in my skin than I ever did and am happy enough to wear bathers to the pub on the odd special occasion.
With regard to the Biggest Loser - I'm not sure. I've only seen one episode of the Australian one, and didn't catch any of the US version. It's really hard to get too outraged about the shock tactics or emotional rape used in reality television these days. When they finally screen 'Thai Child Bride 2 - The Search for A Pedo', I doubt anyone will be too surprised.
From what I've read in the vast media coverage of TBL (channel 10 must be downing champagne as we speak), a lot of the contestants view it as a last chance. One of them was even talking about her family holding interventions to help her lose weight as her health was so at risk. Whether this means being humiliated on national television and shouted at whilst wearing bike shorts is the right way to go about dropping a few kilos, I don't know. Whatever methods work for people - bar a couple of sticky fingers down the throat - it's up to them. If being glued to the emotional rollercoasters as the larger men and women burst into tears forces you to think about your eating habits, then it can't be all that bad.
Really though, it's Big Brother all the way for me. I like my reality tv stars vacuous and drunk.
Til said...
dear fits,
Can i possibly share/ hi-jack your hospitality crush? He is the most handsome bar man in northcote. I too have spend many gigs gazing longingly at his arms in those shirts as he brushes away the hair from his eyes.
Oh, of course you may share Richard. I am developing a couple of new H.C's anyway. If anyone dares go near the red-headed girl who wears shorts and Drones t-shirts and works at the Tote, they'll have me to answer to. I also fancy a couple of barmen who 'tend' at the Retreat.
It's nice to cultivate crushes at your local haunts.
K said...
Fitsy,
I once asked your advice on a matter involving boys. Taking your advice, I have been seeing the nuttier of the two. Now, I keep seeing you around the place (most recently, Friday night) and feel like sliding onto a stool and paying due reverence to your words-of-wonder. Problem is, I was out with the aforementioned nutter who you apparently remember from Best of the Brat when you interviewed his band and he rolled around on the floor screaming lame obscenities at the world. You emphatically made a point of not liking him then, and I presume you still don't. So, do I go with your alias' advice and keep to the other side of the bar or risk a confrontation with your alarm and disgust on finding out it's 'OH-MY-GOD-THAT-GUY'?
Wait, I emphatically made a point of not liking someone? It can't have been that emphatic, because I cannot for the life of me think of who you may be talking about. Also, an incredible amount of bands have appeared on the radio show rolling drunk and full of poison over the years, so you could be dating anyone from Tim Bird Blobs to a member of the Betty Ford Clinic.
I wouldn't judge you just because you're going out with a bit of a creative lunatic who I may or may not have much time for. Come and say hello. I promise I won't gasp and clutch at my lapels with a horrified expression.
Drunken Fool said...
If you do something, say, pash a good friend in the middle of a crowded city nightspot, but you are too drunk to remember it, does it count as being stupid? And if confronted about it later by someone who witnessd it, is denial an option?
Not if they witnessed it, DF. LISTEN TO YOURSELF. THEY HAVE SEEN IT WITH THEIR OWN EYES.
And yes, of course it counts as being stupid. Who do you think you're fooling, you boozehound? Just fall back on the 'did I even see you that night? Woah, I tried to kiss you? What's all that about? God I'm charming when I'm drunk, etc' and give them a few matey slaps on the shoulder.
Same goes with the witnesser. 'Was I even there that night? Woah, I tried to kiss him/her? What's all that about? Let's go get a gin and tonic so I may try to ram my tongue down your throat next LOL, etc'.
shlinki said...
firstly, it is with regret i tender my withdrawal from your book-club (i did borrow the book from the city library though, so the intent was there). it's just that i'm trying to stop procrastinating so i can start writing again. and so, the question - how do you motivate yourself to write when you seem to have fallen into a creativity crevice?
Oh, that is sad. I'm very much looking forward to the RYWHM dissertation on The Information.
I'm not very good at being motivated I don't think. Seeing as how I mostly work from home, people tend to view me as being highly disciplined/nose to the grindstone etc. But really, I get paid when I deliver things. So I deliver them. Whether that means I spend the better part of a Monday idly monitoring blog updates before two hours of frantic typing, or whether I just lie down for a week awash with tears and my head on the keyboard, I don't know. When it has to be done, it gets done.
As for the creativity crevice - that's a harder one. I've only just started being motivated to write for the first time in forever. I find watching really awful short films motivating in terms of leaving the cinema, kicking a bin, and marching off home full of mutters and new ideas. Short stories are really good, too. Each to their own, I guess.
Dxxxx said...
Q: Is MattyB doing ok? And will he ever come back to the Blogosphere? (Please pass on our hello's, best wishes etc)
Actually, he's already out in the blogosphere again. You just need to search a little and you'll find him (NOTE: SEARCH IS VERY EASY). He is also doing very okay and says thank-you for the notes and flowers. Whoever sent the soiled underwear is also in favour (I'm looking at you, BEVIS).
Wes said...
Fitsy, I have a girlfriend I've been seeing for sometime. Thing is, I want her to know how much she means to me and I'm not sure how best to show her. I think I treat women well generally, I just don't know how to single her out specially. Have you got any day-to-day tips about how to show her how important she is to me?By the way - great blog.Cheers, Wes
Oh, what a lovely question. I guess the usual rules apply in terms of cooking amazing dinners, body massages, kisses in secret places, so on. Making time for hot dates is good, too - take her for pasta at Grossi Florentino with cocktails and cointreau fondue afterward at Gin Palace, then a room up high at the Sofitel so you can bang with views. My rule is the best dates come in threes (PLEASE NOTE THIS IS NOT A SLY REFERENCE TO GROUP SEX).
I used to live with a beautiful couple, and the girl half was just so perfect in the way she made the feller feel nice. If she had him to herself for a night she'd dress up and bake a pie, making a loveheart with their initials on the crust (yes I am aware some people view this as vomit-inducing, but I thought it was adorable as hell). She'd make dessert and then have a bath with him and then blow him. Reverse an evening like this and you'll be a dream boyfriend.
If you're hard up for cash, keep a date jar instead of a coin jar - put all your spare change in it and save up for something cunning.
Fuck, I am sounding far too much like Lavinia Nixon right now.
In the long run I think it's less about the grand gestures than it is about the small and significant things - sometimes the hard work and deep thoughtfulness is more dizzy-making than a bouquet of oriental lilies.
That said, I always like lilies.
Rowan said...
Dear Ms Fits,Being the thinking woman that you are, which philosopher - past or present - does it for you the most and why? For example, given your previously stated penchant for wild artistic types, are you a embrace-a-horse-and-weep Nietzschean? Or are you more of a Francophile? In which case, would you favour someone like Derrida (even if he did dress like a golfer)? Please tell...
Golfer? Oh, I say not. Those checkered pants leave me cold.
I know Buddha counts as Eastern philosophy and, as previously stated, I do like a man with a belly and a positive outlook. I also don't mind Jean-Francois Lyotard (accent and rakish cigarette) or Edmund Husserl (nice beard, resembles the singer from Les Savy Fav).
Anonymous said...
Who is your best friend and what does he/she do for a living?
My best friend in the whole world is the marvellous Gabi Barton. She is one half of retarded cabaret duo The Town Bikes and is a mutant go-go dancer, master chef, professional bombshell and one of the great Loves of my life. I have her initials tattooed onto my right foot, and she has mine on hers. We live together. We are utterly devoted to each other.
Nothing poofy, though.
Right. Sorry if anyone missed out today. Leave your questions for next Friday below and I'll get to them when I'm good and ready, damn you.
624 days til the next election.
Comments
Goodness me, the IDEA of me prank calling someone... what is the world coming to? I tell you, just because I might have rung you once over a year ago claiming to be Miranda Airey-Branson wanting to 'talk things over', you think I'm behind all sorts of mischief. Will you ever fully forgive me?
My proper question for next week... who do you think the WORST Neighbours character of all time was\is? Clearly it's time for us to begin addressing the 'big issues'. I used to want to punch Hannah Martin in the face, big time, but pretty much all of the Hancock family could do with a kick in the pants too. But then... remember Lance's nerd girlfriend who gave him the tasks to complete? A small part but infuriating.
Please note that I mean 'worst' in the 'shithouse' sense, not evil sense, otherwise Izzy Hoyland would win hands down for FUCKING UP MY ADOPTED TELEVISION FAMILY.
PS: All ladies looking to book my beloved Fop for some quality time can go through me. I accept all major credit cards and, of course, cash. Sweet sweet cash.
Have YOU ever stuck your fingers down your throat to make yourself throw up?
what do you think of girls who do? Do you think it's selfish?
Fits,
I have it on dubious authority that you done did get The Fear.
That's cool- it happens.
So I'm taking Lil Rach from M+N for a blat up the St Andrews way next week.
If 'n' when you are ready, you say the word.
In the meantime I am in the middle of the most physically punishing week of the last 10 years. More sport than should legal. All in the name of Good Journalism (tm) and Biggest Looserism (tm2)
My question: What recreational activity do you partake in that occasionally gives you the willies?
thr.
I really want to know!
Re your relative being set on fire - this is earnestly what I would like for my very own human crust when I depart it. The whole crumbling grave thing I think to be a terrible waste of space and I'd rather be joyously "sprinkled" on my favorite bit of beach than slowly decompose. I hate horror movies enough as it is, and the last thing I want to become is a zombie.
Alas, my beloved insists that she "couldn't do that to me". No amount of insisting that there are plenty of funeral services who'd be more than willing to do the job will divert her from this line of thinking.
And as much as I respect her spiritual beliefs, these are mine - that I really don't want my body after I depart it, and it would be better for all involved (including the environment, and rellies who can spend the money on a festive wake rather than expensive deathly real-estate) if I disposed of it in the quickest and most efficient way.
It is a tricky argument, and a hypothetical one (for now at least!), so I thought it would be right up your alley.
ps Jess - are you pimping Will's ass?
again?
Mmmmm.... steady flame of devotion *licks lips*
I thought the potential of being a speech writer for His Oiliness may provoke the stirrer in you and make you want to fuck shit up (as the kids used to say).
Nevertheless, I didn't realise Jess may be the real stirrer of the gang.
A domestic question.
When you cook do you prefer to start a meal from scratch or do you cheat and buy pre-prepared items like Paul Newman's Bombolina Sauce?
And I don't hate you because you are beautiful only because you are sassy.
i was thinking more hugh laurie circa 'house', but now i'm trying not to think of him at all.
my next week's question is thus:
you wanna come to new york with me sometime later in the year?
what do you think of girls who do? Do you think it's selfish?
Of course it's selfish. One minute they're picking food off your plate when you're bloody starving, the next - ups-a-daisy and you're both left with a rumbling tummy. It's just not cricket.
*grabs coat*
A relationship/dating question - if both parties are consenting adults should age difference ever be an issue, i.e. one party older or younger than the other party? Is there an acceptable age difference - half your age plus seven years and that sort of thing? Or will love out?
Please tell me what is the brand of the red lipstick you are currently using?
My old faithful has been discontinued so I am on the look out for a new shade.
Affectionately yours,
L
X
Please pick one of these to answer.
If you could break any world record - for sport or for something else - what would it be for?
You're allowed the write the screenplay for a biopic about anybody who has ever been alive. Who do you write about? (They don't have to be famous)
Which is the best celebrity sex video ever?
The brothel across the road from my work is having a "two for one" deal of $200 for 1/2 an hour with two women. Should I go? I am already a slave dog at work, but at least the women working there think I am OK. There's always someone out the front for a smoke and short of stabbing them in the eye they would blab to everyone.
"Some of them handle it just sweet, others are a little erratic. Either way, I don't judge them for their choices. I love them."
Thanks, Fitsy - from a patient in column B.
*throws away pills. erratically*
Did you see that doco "The Perfect Fake" on SBS last Friday? I was following it fine until they took the head off one of the love dolls and it went 'pop!'
Also, what do you think of a see-through vagina?
http://www.fleshlight.com/main/product_info.php?products_id=52
Hi Fits, normally I'd post with my real blogger name but... I dunno. Over the past year or so I have gone COMPLETELY off sex. Now, there have been a few idiotic men who I thought had something to do with "turning" me, but then I realised that even with great blokes - including my current amour, who is perfect in every way - I just can't be bothered. I am a go-getting young lass and have about ten million things to do, but really, it's not a stress thing. I just feel like at this point in my life I'd rather just cuddle and hold hands (and pash, of course). He is "fine" with this, though I know he thinks I'm ace and wants to root me senseless, so obviously it's not an ideal situation for him. ANYWAY, what do you think?
Dear Ms Fits, two quick questions, as a fellow reader can you recommend something for me to read? I'm nearly at the end of a book and I will have a nervous breakdown if I have to go without for more than a day. And a few weeks ago I finally took the plunge and tried one of those internet dating sites. I have been single and joy-less for quite a while so I thought what the hell, everyone seems to be doing it. However I seem to have only met total nerdy boys. So instead of looking for boys the same age I have tried slightly older men, now I am shortly going to meet a divorced bloke with two kids, and I'm not sure how I feel about that, can you offer a few reassuring words? If not can you suggest nice places to meet nice boys who might like a nice early-thirties, slightly erratic, with bad taste in music girl? I have a good job, I can provide, I miss the joy...
Ms Fits, I am an evil genius. Are you interested in becoming one of my hench women? You are first on my list, next is Fergi and then Princess Mary. Together we will conquer this world and then populate the moon when we grow tired of everyone worshipping us. Also, if you have any friends you think would like to join us in our crusade, you're welcome to bring them along.
Oh dear ... now I'm confused.
'like John Travolta with a camel toe'
Excuse my naivety ... but I thought camel toe = women wearing ill-fitting undies/swimwear/etc, and brainiac = men wearing ill-fitting undies/swimwear/etc.
Is there more to this that I should know? It's all a bit unattractive although I realise there are websites dedicated to 'toe'.
Oh, and have you seen the new blokes swimmers/cossies/sluggos/dickstickers called a 'sling'?
Really, really awful.
Hello Ms Fitz,
Loving your work on the q&a. Reading it is like tasting little ice-cream scoops of your readership's souls.
Considering the amount of debate regarding chicks hairy bits, and the removal of such (the hair, not the bits), I thought I would raise this question. How much is too much body hair for a dude to have?
Personally, I am the proud owner of an irrepressible chest thatch. Some chicks really dig it, but some want to dip me in wax until I look like an overgrown eight year old.
I am not one to hassle chicks about what do with their legs, armpits or niceplace. If I can't be bothered to shave my face everyday, how can I expect them to follow suit? (it is lovely when they do, though)
Thanks,
I was watching the Kaiser Chiefs guest programming RAGE on the weekend and saw the clip for "Hey You" by ROCK STEADY CREW. Is it just me or did one of the group having "Krankiboy" written on the back of their yellow tshirt?
At what age does it become no longer acceptable to have not formed a long-term relationship? And is having only one relationship, perhaps a lifelong one, a sign of loyalty or laziness?
C&P'd from the "Gone Camping" comments:
What is it about camping that seems to appeal to every single person in the known world bar myself (and my one true love)?
I am regularly flabbergasted by the number of completely unlikely people -- the kind who find non-electric can openers barbaric; the kind who ordinarily suffer anxiety attacks if their mobile phone can't pick up a signal -- who nevertheless rate a weekend camping trip as the ultimate form of relaxation.
Can it be that there is no one else who would rather suffer 48 hours of the worst that free-to-air television can offer (say, a weekend of endlessly repeated Winter Olympics highlights) than have to spend two days in a flimsy tent, listening to the continual FUCKING CHIRPING OF BIRDS?!
I am truly perplexed.
Ms Fits,
I have an embarrassing secret to reveal. The truth is that I never feel like I've completely
'relieved myself' unless I've used my toilet at home. I also hold-off going to the bathroom as long as possible to avoid using any other restroom (I've coined that "poocrastinating").
Does that sound very strange and do you think I'm the only one like
this?
Ms Fits,
Is there any room when it comes to love, for logic? I mean am I right when I say that to persue love you need to disobey everything that your head may be yelling at you about how it knows best?
If my theory is correct, then was George Costanza onto a good thing where he did the exact opposite of what he would normally do?
Head vs Heart - where should the line in the sand be drawn?
love logic.
G'day, Fitsy. Would you be willing to give a substantial plug to the show I'm producing and MCing for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival in exchange for a free ticket on the night of your choice? It's called I Know What You Did Last Monday (link here - http://comedyfestival.com.au/season/2006/show.php?id=8 ) and will have an absolute kickarse line-up.
Please?
I'm a high school english teacher. My students are currently studying 'Pride and Prejudice'. What do you think of the essay question 'To have a friend you must be a friend. Discuss.'?
Hey there. You missed one of my questions last week (but fair enough - I think I asked four or five). So now you get your chance to redeem yourself and I can extend it by another whole link! (Yes, even you can be this exciting.) Here goes:
Shameless self-promotion, I know (but I don't think you've read it yet - busy girl and all that, etc).
What did you think of these guesses? And now (here's the updated bit), these guesses?
Many thanks (and apologies),
BEVIS
PS - If you missed that question last time intentionally, as a tactful way of saying 'piss off, you self-promoting prick', here's a reserve question you can answer instead:
'Do you think you'll ever have children of your own, or are you totally against the idea?'
If you only answer this question, I'll know the secret message you're sending me about my first question, and will trudge off obediently, tail betwixt my legs and all. Feel free to answer both questions if you like, though.
Dear Ms Fits,
1. Is stealing in a manner that might classify you as a kleptomaniac wrong if said stealing occurs in large, sterile department stores and their supermarket subsidiaries?
I steal quite a lot and I'm a little terrified that I might turn up in a secret video on Today Tonight one day with the words "Thieving! In BROAD DAYLIGHT!" stamped across my scratchy criminal face.
2. I'm going to be on Today Tonight next week taking part in a quiz. I think it might be on the state election. I get a double pass to the movies in return. Does this make me an utter fool or should I use the opportunity to wear an anti Howard tee shirt for the benefit of people who consider TT a 'news' show?
love audrey
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