Friday q and a #70.
So it's a beautiful rainy Melbourne day spent squirreled away thinking about future music, and future meals of duck, and deep black baths, and book holidays, and various other types of goodness. I must be growing up; I'm considering purchasing art for my birthday. That and a Wheels and Doll Baby dress, though presumably this is more of an investment for the future if their 'clothes to snare a millionaire' slogan is anything to go by.
Oh, and happy birthday, darlin Co**on. I raise a glass or three to your Taurean celebrations. Will we be shickered by the time we finish this week's questions do you suppose?
Anonymous said...
Hi Fits,
I live in Beijing. The 11th day of every month here is “form a line day”, when megaphoned-up youths in ill-fitting black uniforms hector us at the train station to form neat lines. There’s also an advertising campaign with cartoon characters saying “I line up! I’m happy!”. The Chinese Communist Party’s Spiritual Civilization Steering Committee is taking a number of measures to ensure that, come the Olympics, all the foreigners are impressed by the glorious and ancient culture as well as excellent manners of the Chinese people. On the 12th day of each month we all breathe a sigh of relief and go back to pinching and elbowing our way to the front. Happy form a line day!
I can't believe I missed this last week. There I was sitting and minding my own business at my laptop when I could have been FORMING AN ORDERLY QUEUE like the best kind of obedient pinko. Rest assured I have eleventh of June marked as Form A Line Day in my diary in lurid orange Posca. It falls on a long weekend if memory serves, but I'll be certain to bully my local lunatics and drug dependents into shape accordingly. I don't doubt they'll be very pleased for the mild distraction.
elmo said...
hello, sexy.
wtf is wrong with people who can't keep quiet at the cafe while i try to read the saturday papers? i do not need to be entertained by your mindless yabbering while i'm trying to get the target word. srsly, do people have to speak, all the FUCKING TIME? can't you just be quiet for half an hour? friendship is marked by the length of comfortable silences.
anyhoo, in other news, life is now basket of bagels, just as you promised it would be. severing the ties of the Good Ship Poison was the best thing i ever did. i now work my dream job, everyday (hello, interviewing patti smith!) and ontop of that, joey - not that it's your name, bucko - i'm not angry anymore. ah, concrete blonde. never a truer word spoken by a man named johnnette.
it is good to be free.
x
Yeah, I'm very much a 'sit and pore' person when it comes to the newspapers too. My Saturday morning singletons club (aka Breakfast Of Champions) is made up of equally brooding newshounds/crozzles, so we tend to find a corner and spread out for hours with Papermate Kilometricos and Modern Guru and Codewords and so on and let time tick by as we savour caffeine and toast soldiers in complete silence. That said, if two or more of the group rouse from their zen-like state in order to irritate passer-by with hideous in-jokes and chanting or loud renditions of the latest Little Red single, I'm pretty much able to block them out and carry on reading Stephanie Dowrick's puzzlingly spiritual life advice with nary a blink. It's a skill worth knowing if you have particularly noisesome friends.
p.s. Your life fruits are well deserved, dear girl. x
MelbourneGirl said...
i reckon i'm late for the questions, and i don't even have a question but FUCK i loved this string.
this has the be the bestest readings around, ladies and gents. and like someone else said, it's the commenters as well as fair fits.
revelling in it, loving it, grateful for it.
Oh yeah, Friday q's are utterly a team effort. Pats on the back all 'round, you wild bunch of adorable freewheelin' palookas.
Anonymous said...
Where do you stand (pun sort of intended) on the Dog Shit Conundrum, ie dog shit in public spaces and in particular parks and other green areas?
Is it better to:
a) leave dog shit where it lays, where it will break down organically into the earth? or
b) pick it up in plastic bag and put in bin where it will end up in landfill?
That's a trick question, Anon. The correct answer of course is 'c' - you pick it up in biodegradable bags specifically designed for such an irksome task. They can be purchased here, amongst other places. Let us all be responsible owners of our lovable hounds.
Anonymous said...
fitsalicious.
what constitutes a breakfast club?
A group of six or more beloveds meeting every Saturday morning to intricately discuss life in the dating game whilst simultaneously taking the utter piss out of each other. At the moment core membership consists of two girls and four fellers, so Gen and I are currently copping an earful re: the 'from Mars' perspective. Bloody Marys and above-par coffee a necessity, punning optional. Any sexual leftovers from the previous evening's entertainment must be brought along and given the arch once-over.
Anonymous said...
I saw your friend Travis Cotton on those Foxtel ads. I pointed it out to an actor who was on the couch with me. I am having an affair with him. His g-friend doesn't know. Too bad. HA HA HA.
He said Travis has a drug problem.What did he tell you. Whatt drugs is it?
Is that why you won't have sex with him? I woldnt anyway, he's a fag in those ads dressin up aas a chick.
Well, aren't you just the charmer. Not even the tiniest amount of sympathy for your paramour's oblivious and trusting partner? For shame.
I don't doubt Travis has dipped his toe in the well of illicit substances like most young creative folk I know, though he doesn't have a fucking 'problem' as far as I'm aware. If he did it's less likely he'd continue to be so consistently employed, let alone churn out the amount of plays and novels currently in the works.
We don't have sex as we are friends. And I happen to like men in touch with their feminine sides, so go jam a stick up your arse.
Fever Dog said...
I love that your first grown-kiss was aged 13. My first ever kiss ain any context was 18, and some kind of misguided "pashing" in a closet inspired by Smashing Pumpkins doesn't seem very grown up now. I'm trying to think of one that does, tho.
My question this week: what scares you? Some people are scared of heights, some are scared of buttons and cotton wool. Some are scared they will be a failure and his life will never amount to anything. What scares Ms Fits?
I am scared of: losing my dog, spooked-out movies like The Ring, going blind and no longer possessing the ability to read, having my spine severed whilst still alive in the fashion of Cassandra McGrath in Wolf Creek and Mickey Rourke's face, in no particular order.
Anonymous said...
I am very down in the dumps. I am flat broke, exhausted, feeling unattractive and just got another rejection letter. Have you been here before? Is there a cure?
Oh, of course. It all fucking hits at once, doesn't it? I'm sorry you're fighting the blues, Anon. All I can do is assure you, as I do myself (often aloud, much to the instant alarm of anyone sitting next to me at a bus stop), that any languishing in emotional mud will soon pass and all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well. I have a tattoo on my right arm with two oriental lilies and a quote which reads 'And So On, And So It Goes' - the words mean a thousand and one private things to me, though most importantly they remind me of the fleeting impermanence of feeling and that today's searing heartbreak may soon be tomorrow's empyreal joy. Hold tight.
p.s. More advice here:
Anonymous said...
To the anonymous who's down in the dumps: we've all been there before. Requited love might make you happy, but it's the painful rejections that make you grow, and lead you to realise who you really are as a person. Just think how insufferably tedious, boring and shallow someone would be if they'd never been rejected or hurt by life in any way!
None of that stops you from feeling like shite, of course ... but just remember that it will pass, that life is rarely static, and that the person who thinks you're incredibly attractive may be just around the corner ...
And in the mean time, you can always save up these feelings and use them when you write your novel. Which brings me to my question, Ms Fits: when are you turning this wonderful talent for writing that you possess into your own kick-ass novel? I'd love to read a book with even half the amount of wit and beauty that routinely grace your scribblings ...
Beautiful and sage alleviation, Anon. And yes, I'm aware I must be knuckling down and attempting some kind of tome some time in the next year. I really should just fuck off to the mountains for a bit and give it a crack. Your encouragement is of course appreciated - thanks for the gentle boot in the backside.
This:
Anonymous said...
To the kind Anon who offered some nice words to me, the down-in-dumps Anon, about rejection. Thanks, my love life is great, it's the career that's shite...
But seriusly thanks for caring.
We really are a giving mob here at RYWHM, Anon. Despite what your teachers may tell you.
p.s. Hardly anyone ever gets all aspects of their life right in one go. Even Angelina Jolie probably wants to smack one of those little buggers in the chops occasionally.
Simon said...
How closely can I base a fictional character on a real person?
You've written for TV, so I thought you might be aware of guidelines, etc. It's been on my mind for a few months to knock out a series of black and poignant skits/vignettes around the tenants of a block of flats. I'd like to base one of the main characters on an ex-friend (money,junkie, I don't have to draw a picture*) and I'm wondering how far I can use his personality and adventures/fuckups. He'd quite likely be recognizable to people who know him. Does the "all characters are not based upon, etc" cover my arse?
It's only an outline/bits at this point, and it would be difficult to sell, let alone find an actor who could convincingly portray the charm/guile/stupidity/pure fucking bloodyminded litigiousness of Mr Fuckhead**. It's a pity that only a small group of people has so far enjoyed his mystified accounts of the world against him.
*Faeces would work well as a medium, though.
**This is not about revenge***.
***Though it should be.
As always, thank you for your listening, your patience, and for your unsettling hotness.
Boy, that's a tough one. I really don't know. Most things I write are based on either my life or the lives of my male friends (rich in socially awkward goodness they are, too) and while they're probably well within their rights to stand up and shout HAY I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE FUCKFACE at the television, they're usually privately chuffed to see themselves played by a rather handsome spunko in a leather g-string. Can you not change enough small aspects of Mr Fuckhead's personality so as to make it legally acceptable? By the sounds of things he'll soon be lying face-first in a dumpster while Big Juan and his sinewy co-horts take off with whatever pocket change he had left, so you may not have anything to be concerned about.
Easily Confused said...
Hello Ms Fits,
Thank you for your thoughtful advice and your time, it's really very much appreciated. I don't have many people I can talk with about this sort of thing.
"You're not behaving like an idiot, you're just confused and aching desperately for a piece of someone else's life."
Thanks for the above, you've made me feel less idiotic which is no small thing.
I've realised today that I've made myself a bit ill with anxiety about all this, so have resolved to calm the fuck down this weekend and get into my work (which I love) and try to relax.
Wishing you a fabulous lovely weekend.
xx
Calming the fuck down seems an incredibly worthwhile proposition, EC. And I know it's tough. Much strength to you.
Anonymous said...
Tagchen Ms Fits,
Tell your friends to wear a "Ms Fits is my friend" T-Shirt and if I see them I'll most certainly say hello.
Just to clear up a common misconception, German isn't actually all that guttural. The umlauts can be real buggers though.
Whilst we're on the topic, which are your favourite German words? At the moment I'm personally quite fond of Änderungsschneiderei. My now ex-favourite is Arzneimittelausgabenbegrenzungsgesetz.
Tschüß,
S aus Berlin
Tell you what, let's meet in the middle with this. You can go see my old sweetheart Sam play with Digger and the Pussycats on May 26th at the Swamp Room Happening in Hannover, or his other band Kamikaze Trio at various venues during their time in Germany. You should also make your way (I insist) to catch The Drones at one of their shows over May 29th - 31st at the distinctly Deutsch-sounding 'Bielefeld', 'Munster' and 'Ludwigschafen'. Go up after your ears have stopped bleeding from the collective guitar-based genius and say a warm hello from me. You may even get a beer out of it, though I DIDN'T PROMISE ANYTHING.
p.s. Wtf did 'Arzneimittelausgabenbegrenzungsgesetz' ever do to become your 'ex-favourite' word? Did you have a falling out? Did it try to touch your partner on the bottom? Intriguing.
Rustique said...
Sorry Easilyconfused. I promise to use the preview button from now on and monitor my own fatuousness. No offence meant but clearly injudicious on my part. Am now hoping for a senate seat in the Howard government - would saying sorry preclude me from this?
I shouldn't really be including this in Friday q's as your query is not directed at me but at EC. However I very much like the reply and overall nature of the exchange, so I've left it in:
Easily Confused said...
No worries Rustique and thank you. I probably overreacted a bit being currently wracked with anxiety and distracted by idealised notions of torrid affairs.
Now that we've made up. I checked out your blog. Have you read any Jeanette Winterson? The woman loves a redhead.
Ms Fits I'll have a break from posting for a while (don't want to wear out my welcome) and just enjoy your wonderfulness.
Isn't that nice? Last week they were tetchy with each other in q and a comments and now they're friends recommending writers. THIS IS HOW INTERWEB LOVE AFFAIRS BEGIN, PEOPLE.
Mercurius said...
Dear Ms Fits
For your Q&As
Did you ever, as a teenager or more recently as a grown-up teenager, enquire to the object of your affections as follows:
"Will you go wif me?"
PS - Did it work?
PPS - Will you go wif me?
1. Yes.
2. Yes.
3. I don't see why not. Shall we start by holding hands?
the frozen turnip said...
My Dearest Ms Fits, I e-mailed you this but had intended to send it here to your q+a page.Forgive my mistake for I surely have the technical dexterity of a mud-wallowing hippopotamus!
I have a confession to make. And it is this...
I fear I have fallen for your intellectual charms - in that achingly familiar emotions-all-a-bouncing kind of way- as a direct result of reading your fabulously amusing, oft-vituperative blog!
This has resulted in a dilemma I am unable to resolve and one I feel I need your help in tackling.
I am yet to catch your apparently beguiling performance on the televisual book show to which you refer. Hence I remain blissfully unaware of whether you look remarkably like the Bob Ellis you aspire to be - i.e. windswept and interesting but in a mildly bloated fashion - or more closely resemble my acutely imagined idea of intellect-in-a-fab-unwrinkled-package that is the Bob Ellis I envision you to be.
Do I risk having my illusions shattered in attempt to put a face to the mind? Should I tune in apprehensively on the first Tuesday of next month or should I allow my untainted vision of cerebral wonder to remain intact?
I was going to point you in the direction of my blog at www.frozenturnip.com ( which I have patently just done) in the vain hope you be ever so slightly amused by one or two posts and thus begin a similiar headlong crash down the emotions-all-a-bouncing highway I have found myself on.
That is until I read on Fridays q + a - and I am para-phrasing here - that "a good laugh and I'm anyones, but a lecturing self-righteous prick can fuck quickly in the direction of off."
I am now deliberating whether the self-righteous lecturing prick need be removed, for he surely exists, and whether or not I tune in to the idiot box .
I am torn muchly Ms Fits and require immediate counsel.
Kind Regards
the frozen turnip
Hello, Frozen Turnip.
A dilemma indeed. I do understand - it's more often than not easy to get caught up in a blogger's words and daydreamingly imagine them to look like this:
(sorry Jessfamer, I HAD TO)
when in reality you're all giddy for the brainial leanings of a gentleman like this:
What to do? If it helps you at all, some of the many commenters/contributors on q and a have compared me physically to the following people:
The truth of the matter is it's fairly easy to find out what I look like since any attempt to cunningly hide my identity vanished long ago and while I hate to burst your bubble, the fact is that I am about to post a photograph of me in my jocks so if you wish to remain blissfully ignorant then AVERT THINE EYES.
I'm quite serious.
I'm in ur interwebs, strokin mah harbls etc.
So there you go.
reuben said...
'the dice man' is utter crap and will only disappoint you, fitshoney - life's too short. (sorry, anonymous that recommended it). as we only get a finite amount of books, music, art, love etc to enjoy within our mortal time limitations, i strongly advise against wasting your unique brand of aliveness on a one paragraph idea extrapolated to one poorly written airport-grade novel. if you do chose to, promise me you will allow me to 'take the poor taste out of your mind' with something decent immediately or soon after? i recommend richard brautigan's 'sombrero fallout' if you haven't already adored it. re-reading it with a hendricks g&t in hand on a spring afternoon is about my idea of heaven on earth right now.
ruby.
ps. have you suppered at bar lourina yet? the tapas are simply swellegant - small, potent, delicious. be a cannibal, do. x
1. Oh dear, torn between two recommenders. WHAT A DILEMMA.
2. I actually have a Richard Brautigan book waiting for me in my ever-teetering pile. I fell a bit in love with him after reading some young scruff quoting him in Live Journal eighteen thousand years ago.
3. No, I haven't. Where is it? How soon can I go?
Mirri said...
About the reader who's the furthest away, I'm from Finland. So there, I claim to be the most remote RYWHM reader!
As for a question, didya catch any of the Eurovision song contest just gone? Personally I was a bit surprised that Serbia won, I was so sure Sweden would actually take it, the Ark and The Worrying Kind being so delightfully eurovisiony.
That's all, hope you have a lovely day!
Hei Mirri. Kiitoksia ajaksi aleneva luona jotta huomautus. I didn't hiippakunta jokin Eurovision koska I käytetty aika ehtiminen humalassa ja ansaitseva katse aikaa boys model after katu.
I hope you have a lovely day too, far-reaching RYWHM reader.
*waves in Finnish*
Anonymous said...
What should I do when I grow up?
Sell sea-shells on the sea-shore, Anon. That or IT, I'm undecided as yet.
Anonymous said...
Are you SURE it's the ABC with which you are developing your children's programme? You know, these funding bodies are mighty touchy about others getting credit for their faith in independant writers ...
Well, Anon. My writing partner Fishbox and I received some development money some time ago from the ACTF to take a children's programme to the next stage in scripting, which we duly did. I am also writing episodes for a different series which is currently being funded by the head of Children's at the ABC. Does that get me out of any trouble with the aforementioned touchy funding bodies?
Anonymous said...
Bonsoir Fiteaux,
I have a question on screen writing: how doth one know how much screen time one's script occupies? Is it word count? Number of pages? Do you read it out like a morose broken legged Bart Simpson*? Does it take an innate sense possessed only by an elite few? Dumb luck? Bizarre pagan rituals?
Please explain.
*For bonus points fill in the blanks from the Simpsons episode (the one where Bart has a busted leg and writes a play) I was referring to:
"_______ for breakfast again? Is it St _______ Day already?"
"Tis replied Aunt _____"
Adieu
a) The general rule is about a minute of screen-time to a Final Draft page, though this really varies. An hour's commercial drama usually comes in at around seventy pages in FD, and a half-hour roughly thirty-five. It's a good idea to time scripts by reading the dialogue and big print out loud, though you should try to do this when completely alone lest your loved ones start to believe you are completely deranged/Alf from Home and Away.
b) "Kippers for breakfast again? Is it St. Swithin's Day already?'
"Tis,' replied Aunt Helga"
Dr Nic said...
Have you been working out/I like what you've done with your hair, etc.
Why yes! Yes, I have. And it's the new girl at the salon – she just seems to know what I like.
Well, go on. Share your hairdresser knowledge with the rest of the class. HEED THE RYWHM COMMUNITY NOTICEBOARD CODE OF ETHICS.
An Anonymous Coward said...
Dear Agony Aunt Ms Fits,
I have somewhat of a conundrum this week and unfortunately it concerns an affair of the heart so I offer my apologies for turning Q&A into something a little err angsty. However in view of the fact that you can provide both a female perspective and an outside opinion I seek your advice.
I have just received an email from an ex girlfriend telling me that she is having her final night at work soon and wishes me to attend for old time’s sake as it is where we met, she thinks it will be nice to have my supposedly 'friendly' face there to wish her well. Now it is not as if the relationship ended badly or that we couldn't stand the sight of each other… it just kind of well ended. The tone of her email doesn't seem to be of the friendly banter variety but rather has more romantic inclinations so it leaves me with the following question.
Do I lead with my heart on my sleeve (as always) and attend knowing full well that it will probably lead to long sessions of me locked in a room listening to Radio Head going 'oh woes is me' or should I lead with my head and just reply 'Thank you but I don't think it is the best for either of us'?
Again apologies for turning you into an Agony Aunt and for the long rambling post.
Oh, you're an utterly sensible chap/lesbean there. Yes, your erstwhile girl is certainly making nostalgic with the breathy overtones, and while it might be nice for all of us to get a little misty about an ex with the added backup of smiling at a familiar face during a final night at work AS A SWINGING SINGLE THIS IS NO LONGER YOUR DUTY. I suggest you be brave and make polite above-board excuses, though I'm not one to talk as I spent Mother's Day having lunch with my folks, my ex, his daughter and his parents and quite the delightful unconventional little bunch it was too.
If you can sense the emo handwringing this far in advance you should probably dodge the bullet and instead spend the evening holding hands with your best friend and eating roo at the Napier washed down with a bottle of objectionably expensive wine. Let your ex stand on her own two feet and move on with your life. It'll be hard going but I don't doubt you can do it.
Anonymous said...
i have happily deferred to the collective wisdom of the melbourne blognoscenti and consistently talked myself out of contributing anything of actual value to this intriguing forum. regarding the hold steady, i recommend freddy knuckles, certain songs, your little hoodrat friend, how a resurrection really feels, stuck between stations, and citrus
Thanking you. I will make it a priority to seek out your musical highlights.
Ben said...
Actually, the answer is, "One of its legs is both the same together".
Ah, this week I am depressed. Feeling uninspired, unpopular, unwell, uninteresting, untalented and unlikely to ever achieve those achievements what I am angling to achieve through my various doings. Also, I read what I wrote last week and now I feel stupid, too.
So Question 1: What the hell am I playing at?
Question 2: Do you do interviews?
Question 3: How are you? I mean that sincerely.
By the way, hilarious fellow and generally lovely man The Bedroom Philosopher is playing at the Espy on May 25th, along with some band called The Great Apes which I have no knowledge of, and Little Red, who have been recommended of course. Everyone reading this blog should go see said gig. I hereby conclude my plugging duties.
1. You're playing at the ever-involving and addictive game INTERWEBZ 3000, Ben. We are cybering our thumbs off like motherfuckers right now.
2. How do you mean? I ask the probing sex-based queries of bands on my radio show. Or are you referring to me answering questions personally? Yes to both, I suppose.
3. I am very well, as it happens. I have many birthday celebrations to look forward to over the next couple of weeks, as well as a great deal of travel between now and mid-August. I love my work and my friends make me laugh and soon I am taking a three-day holiday in Katoomba with the sole purpose of reading books. Life is kind of sweet.
4. Sadly I will be attending a couple of fellow Geminian birthday shindigs on the night of the 25th and can't make the trip, though anyone inclined to head St. Kilda way should of COURSE go and witness the magnificence of Little Red before they're overwhelmed by some kind of major label bidding war and collapse in a drugged-out Elvis-esque stupor.
Anonymous said...
I was watching the rich list last night and, in a list of countries, Andrew O'Keffe referred to "eff-one-jay-one", meaning Fiji.
Is this funny? I just can't tell anymore.
This question made me particularly happy when I read it. I like you.
My mother says "eff-one-jay-one" instead of Fiji. She is off-the-cuff in many ways, but she misses the mark with this particular bon mot. I vote no.
Anonymous said...
What do you think of Nick Hornby's work?
I want to like it much, much more than I actually do.
Also I am obviously quite peeved at how prolific he is since I seem patently unable to get off my arse and do anything except write this fucking blog of a Friday.
Hughie said...
At the moment my travel plans consist of three trips to Sydney in June, one potential visit to Adelaide, and a holiday in Vietnam some time in July. After that I'm open to suggestions.
Hmmm... I must contrast this with your assurance that you were "absolutely busting" to come to Perth. It seems *he says with an accepting sigh* this particular busting is a wee way down the Fits Busting List(TM).
(That wasn't meant to be snarky, so please don't take it that way.)
My suggestion of a well-lit cafe was made only because I can't recall ever reading any stories involving you and Perth, and so in assuming it had been quite some time since you'd been here, I thought it'd be wise to propose a rendezvous at a setting that would cause you least potential alarm. Of course, I should've known better...
Right, four pars in and still no question. Therefore: when next you intend to come to Perth, would you email me in advance and allow me to propose two or three possible rendezvous times and places? All you have to say is "yes" in your reply to Q&A 70 and I'll email you so you have my address.
*NB. I have not stalked anyone since 1997 when I waited outside the uni dunnies for a lovely lady who was in one of my classes. Her name was Hazel (uncommon these days), for what it's worth, and I wrote her a reasonably lengthy poem dominated by Hs (Hazel, Hughie - pretty obvious) and gave it to her after a tute one day, whereupon I never saw her again.
'Absolutely busting' is quite different to 'absolutely free', Hughie. Please know that I am very keen to jet across our wide brown land to visit the joint where sharks are prone to lunging at innocent mothers in knee-deep waters at my earliest convenience. I'd be happy to let you know of my travel plans should I be heading your way, of course. I am also very partial to poetry rhyming the word 'fits' with the phrases 'love you to bits' and 'thankfully free of nits' kthxbye.
Cloudy said...
Is this a shameless attempt by someone to get more hits on his website?
Yes, but that's quite acceptable. Sorry I haven't emailed you back yet, Cloudy. I will do soon.
MordWa said...
Serious Questions for the Q&A:
a) No way to sugar-coat this; Jeff Kennett has actually done a pretty fair (not perfect, but definately credible) job heading up the Beyond Blue organisation. Under the circumstances - and no one is more surprised than I to be considering this - is it time to re-admit him into the human race?!
b) Has anyone else on 'the other side' ever caused you to reassess their 'all access entrance pass' to Hell?
a) Oh god, I know. And he's come across all caring and sharing about baby Catherine, too. It's a bit confronting, isn't it?
That said, Hitler was a dab hand with the watercolours. Make of that what you will.
p.s. No. Not quite yet.
b) Yes. Malcolm Fraser. Who the devil knew he'd be linking arms with us and championing the worthy(TM) causes like the best kind of bleeding heart softy? I always used to see him as one of those undead evil overlords who peel away their skin at night and morph into a pack of wolves, so to hear his voice quaver when discussing the plight of Indigenous Australians is really nothing short of remarkable.
Woodsman said...
Which 5 D-list celebrities would u most like Channel 7 to dredge up for the next series of Dancing With the Stars?
Is it possible that with all these types of shows Australia might actually run out of "celebrities" or is that the continuing relevance of Aus Idol and Big Brother (to provide other networks with D-list celebrities)?
Speaking of which, who are your top 3 Big Brother Housemates of all time and why?
1. a) Christopher Truswell
b) Vince Del Tito from Young Talent Time
c) Maria Venuti
d) Uncanny X-Men (entire band)
e) Father Bob Maguire.
2. No way will those shows ever run out of
3. a) Reggie - Australia's own simpleton sweetheart.
b) Merlin - whatever you may think of that stunt, it got people talking. God is smiling upon him.
c) Lefty Tim - bringing left-wing women of the blogosphere together since 2005.
Waldorf said...
Last week's "cum" sounds like my dear old friend Statler (you know, the ass-chin muppet, wanted to suck about 22 cocks to obtain a flying car). Or perhaps it was the friend's comment of "And i want to spit in your ass but we can't always get what we want can we?" That reminded me of him. Boom. Was that you Statler? Is there really a McIrish in Canberra? And you want to do the McSpitty in his McDirty?
Anyhow, my FQ is this:
As a writer, do you have business cards? I ask this as I saw a heap of writers (novelists/whateverists) armed with them at a gig last week. Seemed weird. Actually, I felt a bit like Patrick Bateman…
I apologise for trimming your American Psycho dialogue there, Waldorf - time is of the essence here at Friday q and a HQ. Nice to see you back, though.
So.
1. Answer the young man, Statler. Was that you, you semen-guzzling whore?
2. 'mcirish, australian capital territory.
Results:
0-0 of 0 listings found.'
3. I take it that question is intended for Statler too. At least I fucking hope it is.
4. I don't, though I really should get some made up as I usually meet people and end up writing my number on beer coasters. I have an old photograph of me aged around seven completely naked and showing my mother my arse which I always thought would make a cunning business card.
p.s. I can't believe you linked to your myspazz. I AM SO ON TO YOU AND STATLER.
Ladies of the world wildeans, begin revving at your motors.
Anonymous said...
(brief pre-q digression follows) For God’s sake Bastow, don’t do it!!!! You are my most favourite Young Lady Who Blogs Excellently On Things I Like (Music Dept.), as ms. fits is for Book-ish things – without either of you my interweb world goes all off-kilter. In short, I will care.
Qs:
1. Is there some sort of mother lode of an online repository for catbongz? I now love them.
2. I may well be moving over to the north side of town after years of languishing in the east. Thing is, I’ll need a new café (in the Smith Street vicinity) for my solo quiet paper reading jaunts; cosy décor, cheeky/friendly staff, and a good eggs benedict preferable, in that order. Suggestions?
Those questions seem horribly pedestrian and trite after other more heartfelt/funny ones, but them's my isshews (well my surface ones anyway, inside is a deep well of pain n' that)
1. The website you are looking for is Icanhascheezburger.com.
2. Welcome, neighbour. I recommend Gypsies (near the corner of Gertrude), Arcadia and Birdman Eating (both on Gertrude), Cafe Rosamond (rear 191 Smith - tiny place and no eggs benedict but the most FUCK OFF baked beans and fetta in town), and the mildly over-stylish Cavallero. There are a thousand and one places to eat around here...it's no wonder I barely cook.
FreeHugsTommy said...
Ms Fits, I am asking you this as you are clearly a font of good taste when it comes to the great medium of television.
How do you feel now that Paloma has been kicked off Australia's Next Top Model? And so soon after your suggestion that she should have won the Gold Logie? Who do you like of the final four? (personally, I'm a Jordan fan. "Girl, close your legs")
And, to balance out my reality tv with something from the other end of the scale, what did you think of Bastard Boys? Was everyone as impressed as I was?
I wait with anticipation for your opinions.
hm.
i) I feel good, actually. I never much liked her, though she made for some brilliant car-crash television ('I heard some girls heckling us in the front row of the fashion show, and at first I was upset...then I realised that they were fat, so they were probably just jealous'). I must admit it was my friend Dan suggesting that Paloma win the Gold Logie, and not me - the vapid ninny would be entirely insufferable were she to be voted Most Popular by the readers of TV Week.
ii) I DON'T KNOW, I LIKE THEM ALL. I'm a big ran of that ragingly vacant faux-ginge Alice, as she appears to have trouble breathing and walking at the same time, though my heart really goes out to that large-chested paen to voluptuousness Anika. Meow, etc.
iii) Absolutely loved it. I cried whilst watching, though felt it best not to mention my overly emotional state in my Green Guide article.
Benny said...
Hi Ms. Fits
This is an old school agony aunt style question, and I hope you and the readers of your perspicacious blog can lighten a heavy burden.
Essentially, in the love game, in one week, I’ve gone from suffering a drought of biblical proportions, to having two options for paramours and one highly positive lead.
I’ve been working mad hours on a project for most of this year, to the exclusion of family, friends, social and love life (think Siberian miner). Recently, I had a holiday window, and have been dutifully painting the town red.
It started when I was invited to dinner with friends including a girl (A) I’m supremely keen on. I’ve known her for about six weeks and spent the night charming her. Body language and witticisms were flying and we made plans to meet her at city bar later on.
Here it gets complicated. A was dragged home by her sister. I presented at the bar and met another girl (B), who shares some mutual friends and experiences. I met her for what I thought would be a networking drink. She had other ideas, but after great conversation the night ended with us jumping bones like teenagers. I like her a lot, she’s smart and witty. Next day I got an email from A, inviting me to a home cooked meal.
The next time I went out, after losing most of my dinner companions, I headed to the ever reliable Cherry and we were approached by couple of high-calibre ladies (Cherry types are always interesting creatures). As Cherry plays music to procreate to, a couple of hours later, mood heightened, I whisked C home.
I have since been fielding phone calls trying to set new dates from each and every time I hang up the phone I feel invigourated and giddy and thinking of jokes to splice into my next conversation. Simultaneously wooing three ladies is not a good position, but I wouldn’t say I’m committed to one at the point I met the other. If I’d met each of A, B & C at a different time, I would have jumped headlong into relationships with each.
How on earth am I expected to choose? Once I get over my option paralysis, I will choose someone, but how far can I continue the discovery stage of these relationships, without incurring a massive karmic debt and total nuclear animosity if this is found out?
In your esteemed opinion, what should I do? How do I choose without angering or hurting people unnecessarily? In the moment, I thought each lady was really fascinating and wouldn’t have kissed them otherwise, but don’t want to lead them astray and be a total bastard.
There’s no ego to this question. I don’t want to flaunt my bizarre good fortune and am conscious that if I fuck it up, could be quickly back to square one.
Help me, Ms Fits and readers of RYWHM: what’s a boy to do?
What a fucking incredible conundrum you have on your hands, young man. You must be quite the catch, what with your lovely use of the word 'perspicacious' and late-night bar habits. Want to go on a date?
It's very difficult for me to answer this as by the sounds of things you have three magnificently hot tamales on your hands. Obviously the minute you kiss two of them goodbye and hitch your wagon to one in particular, you'll think you've made the wrong decision and spend the next three months sending agonisingly borderline flirtatious emails to the remaining two until all three of them tell you to get a spine and PICK ME/go blow yourself, wisey. I guess the best I can advise you is that there's no rush - while obviously each girl is a 'keeper' and you sound infinitely keen to jump into a love affair, you sweet romantic thing*, you really can slow proceedings down and just get to know each of them individually over the course of the next month or so. Who knows, one may reveal herself to be weirdly possessive, another may be an arch political conservative with a penchant for beating on helpless children. Don't make any promises, just keep up a series of lovely dates and neatly sidestep the 'so are we, like, official?' conversation until you're more certain of which way you're heading.
Ultimately, your belly will tell you which is the right girl. Enjoy the journey in the interim.
*the date offer stands. Pencil me in when your diary clears.
Big Matt Stud said...
Anonymous said...
Well, didn't our Big Matt Stud do well on RocKwiz?
I like that he's 'ours' now. What ever will we do with him?
I have to say that I'm very happy to have been adopted by the RYWHM community - do I get an allowance ?
Fits, are you enjoying your 69 ? (fnar, fnar, fnar). I have to say I'm a little disappointed at the lack of puerile double entendres of the Finbarr Saunders/Kelvin Cunnington/Beavis & Butthead variety, although looking at the lameness of my effort, perhaps I shouldn't be surprised. (By the way, I was most amused to find that the Urban Dictionary defines fnar as "The sound made during particularly enthusiastic cunnilingnus.", but then I'm probably too easily amused.)
But I digress, for the purpose of this entry is the asking of questions and the potential answering thereof.
Over the years there have been several noted politicians who have been taken an extremely keen interest in the activities of the trouser region. JFK and Bill Clinton obviously come to mind here, but locally Bob Hawke and Jeff Kennett were renowned dirty dogs, and I also have it under good authority that Gareth Evans was perhaps Canberra's most enthusiastic pants man, even before the days of the Cheryl Kernot incident.
My question to you, Fist, and the members of the RYWHM family who have been so kind as to adopt me, is this. Who are the modern day equivalents ? Which of our current elected representatives have earned a reputation as being keen ladies men ? Philanderers, womanizers, libertines, Casanovas ? Surely they can't have disappeared altogether from our nation's capital ?
Sadly, rumour has it that our friend JWH doesn't mind the odd game of Hide El Chorizo, though hopefully Pru Goward is the only recipient of his wizened old man penis. I'm really not sure who else steps up to bat when it comes to wooing the ladies - although if John 'Hollywood' Thwaites is that way inclined, I'm getting in line.
epon_anon said...
Do they have to be specifically or exclusively interested in the ladies? Crikey a week ago carried a "tips & rumours" bit about a (quite) Liberal QLD MP who'd previously been noted as "preferring male company" but had "been all over the ladies of late".
Sweet, now we're onto the homosexual wooers. Any completely unsubstantiated sex tales should be posted below to be picked over
Fenz said...
no question, just excitement that you used to like The Sharp too. I was a right groupie back in the day!!
*reminisces*
Oh god. THE PAINFUL MEMORIES REFUSE TO RECEDE.
Regretful said...
Oh oh oh! I want to answer the Simpsons quote.
Watch me exercise great restraint! And be proud.
Onwards.
My question (as a long time lurker, first time commenter):
In the days of my impressionable youth, I believed what my father told me about the world, and I joined the Liberal party. I don't think I joined the Young Liberals, just the Liberal party. For two or three years.
Now that I've grown up (and moved out of home) and I'm not so angry, I have taken a massive swing to the left. I now look upon this period with a low-grade all-pervading sense of horror. I am ashamed of myself. As a self-professed leftie and sworn enemy of Andrew Bolt, I'm going to ask YOU this:
Am I forgiven? And am I allowed to start being actively left, or would that make me a massive hypocrite? WHAT CAN I EVER DO TO MAKE UP FOR CAMPAIGNING TO GET HOWARD ELECTED IN '04? Do you think this will come back and bite me in the ass one day? How badly?
Also, you said it took you ages to get the O RLY? thing. I still don't get it. Care to share?
Of course you're forgiven. I would never blame anyone for being young and impressionable, just as I'd hope to be forgiven for stomping around the streets of Prahran in a pair of floral hotpants drunk on Strongbow Dry throughout the early nineties. A couple of dear friends of mine have voted for The Side Of Evil in their time and I find it unbecoming to consistently rag them about it - we are each of us on the same page now and comrades in arms and so on. You go right on ahead and be 'actively' left. Go peruse Get Up, do some campaigning, visit your old conservative haunts and smack some pink-cheeked morons around the head until they see some sense. We've got your back, friend.
p.s. The O RLY thing is hard to explain. One day it was a perplexing photograph of an owl with offensively misspelled words on it, the next it was the funniest thing I'd seen since Micallef Tonight. It's like those Magic Eye pictures - it all just falls into place and all of a sudden YOU ARE COOL LIKE THE TEENS.
Anonymous said...
I am writing this question anonymously, as I am not ready to reveal my identity for this particular question... yet.
I will be flying into Melbourne (that's a clue) on Monday so that on Tuesday I can be a contestant on Australia's favourite quiz show "Sale of the Century", or as the kidz call it these days "TEMPTATION". Yes, I am going to be answering trivia questions at Channel 9 in order to try and win some goodies, and at some point around 1.2 million people will watch my rise and/or fall on the telly. I am fucking shitting bricks, but at least I don't have to get involved in any inane time wasting on-screen banter with Eddie.
So my questions are manifold:
i) Should I attempt to make any kind of coded or veiled "shout outs" to my "posse"?
ii) If I get the chance to buy anything, should I splurge or save the money in the hope it gets me over the line?
iii) Do you think I should try and cram more useless facts into my brain in the next few days or just hope that the shit already clogging my synapses is enough?
iv) Is it a bad idea for your preferred footy team to be one of the "interesting facts" they use when introducing you?
Just as a side note I did see a guy last year who answered "Who am I" by instantly pressing the buzzer and saying "You're Ed Phillips" like he was in fucking primary school. I'm surprised he didn't say "Tony Barber". I'd say he was dared to do it by his mates. So he got the question wrong, but despite all the clues no-one else knew the answer... EXCEPT FOR HIM. Because he was locked out he missed out on a pick of the board, and he lost the game by five dollars. Stupid cunt.
You're a genius, Anon. And we shall all be watching closely. DON'T LET US DOWN.
Now.
i) Of course you should. One of the joys of writing for Neighbours is trying to cram in as many in-jokes and underground pop culture references as humanly possible. (Note: this occasionally gets you laid). Remember, you've only got one crack at it. Make an idiot of yourself and your friends will love you forever.
ii) Spend big and spend often. And if you get your hands on something extra shiny, give it to your mum.
iii) No, I think you've probably done enough. Feel free to read a little more, but trying to cram in extra facts is going to result in over-stimulation and you'll start banging your head against your buzzer in the manner of a Metallica fan on crack before the first question is even asked and eventually be dragged off frothing at the mouth shouting about Herod. Nice and easy now.
iv) That depends. Do you have other interesting facts about you? What are they? I'd hold off on the football team unless you're gunning for some horrifically awkward banter about where the Blues are languishing on the ladder and so on. Are you an Anal Cunt fan? I'd start with them as your musical favourites and take it from there.
*****************
I'm late, I'm late. And I've run out of time to finish. Humblest apologings, friends - I will attempt to update on the weekend, or otherwise hip-and-shoulder the remaining questions over to #71.
Leave your queries for next Friday in the comments below. And try not to worry overly.
Comments
Hello Ms Fits - And thank you kindly for the photographic conformation, you are truly the vision of cerebral delight I had envisioned. Assuming of course that the final pic is actually of you and not a photoshop from last months "Tattoed and Pigtailed Angels"(a subscription I unfortunately let lapse). How I am to know for sure? I fear the televisual investigation is my only option.
My q + a's this week are:
1)In which papers will I find your scribblings?
2)Upon which radio channel do you converse?
3)Is a return photograph of me in my underpants considered inappropriate?
regards
the frozen turnip
re: the 'eff-one-jay-one' thing on the rich list - this is not really a question at all, but thought i'd add my two cents:
i assumed it was a reference to the parody song made by some sydney radio jocks around the time of the first coup in fiji in 1987. someone taped it off the radio and smuggled a copy back to us in fiji, and i remember listening to it and feeling somewhat scandalised. it was to the tune of 'my name is luka', but it was called 'my name's rabuka'. i used to know it word for word, but not anymore. before the song started there was a speaky-bit that made reference to the single having been cut on an eff-one-jay-one record. i can't remember the specifics.
might not have anything to do with why he said it at all, but now you all know i watch the rich list.
Ah to know there are others out there with the angst and the need.
What I need right now I'm sure I can find in the RYWHM village as it seems to be filled with nothing but kind warm hearts and the odd streaker flashin' his donger about which is really just right for what I need. Plus mainly rational thoughts which I am in short supply of currently.
So here's my thing with a hope that someone will find THE QUESTION in my ramblings and hopefully also THE ANSWER.
For almost 8 years now I have cohabited with another. He is quite lovely but not exactly what I would have chosen for myself back in the days when you don't yet know but just imagine for yourself.
He is undoubtedly LOVELY.
I do love him enormously. But all the days of late he is driving me crazy. Not in a 'gee you're annoying' kind of way but in an
ACTUAL
GOING
F*#%$@^*&#^#@*(&(*&#(@*........ING!!!!!
CRAZY
kind of way.
We live, work and play together, at a lovely little home in the hills where for the most part we are very happy. But we are together constantly. There is love no doubt but this is my first time at 8 years in love and I'm not sure if the craziness is unique to me/us, or if it is quite normal for them to start to drive you nuts about now. Or is it just the extreme and prolonged proximity to each other with little respite?
I am not driving him crazy, we have discussed this. He is getting slightly worn down by my constant declarations of crazyness however. I have been prolific in my discussions with him about all the crazy making he's been up to and he replies, quite rightly, with "I'm kind and I'm a good person and I love you very much. I will try more to not make you so crazy."
Good right?
I guess what I want to know is how do you ever know if the love is enough (Ah that old chestnut - feel free to treat this as hypothetical rather than an ACTUAL question). I don't NOT want to be with him, and I do love him, but from sun up to sun down he makes me crazy, frustrated, nuts. The questions, the smells, the complacency, the predictability, the expectation and the indifference.... yes I think that's everything. NUTS I TELL YOU. Not even children to bind us together or an old wedding band that needs a polish, or even a house we own together. Just a few bits of furniture, some books and love. Plans for the future I guess, the babies, the travel, the possibilities. But for now, can't get through a day without a lengthy discussion about why something, how something.
I write this now because today I grabbed his ears, shook his head and growled like a bear. (Don't worry I didn't hurt him).
Please help. What should I do?
I must strongly disagree with placing 'lefty Tim' quite so high on the favoured big brother contestant list. He is now employed as a spruiker for the Royal Hotel and spends his time wandering around Sydney Uni grabbing the arms of unsuspecting philosophy students and breathing unpleasantly in their faces while extolling the virtues of bingo night and happy hour.
My question is: can the left ladies of the blogosphere please unite him to do something more useful?
"Sorry I haven't emailed you back yet, Cloudy. I will do soon."
Quite alright. You seem to be something of the busy lass lately. When you can spare a half hour or so to point and laugh at some political remedials on the telly just let me know. (I also have a documentary you must watch in your capacity as a radio sexpert.)
Dear The Frozen Turnip: I can vouch that that last photo is indeed the gutter-mouthed moll herself.
Dear Ms Fits,
Another agony aunt question, if you'd oblige me. I've been feeling quite sad about my non-existent love life lately - I never have any luck with the fellas, and last week I finally got up the courage to ask out a man on whom I have a debilitating crush, and he told me he has a girlfriend.
However, I've been making plans to meet up with and fuck a man from interstate whom I met on the internet. For a while I was really enthusiastic about this, but now I'm not sure I want to go through with it. For one thing, I'm so depressed right now that I've lost interest in sex. Also, he's almost ten years younger than me and kind of an idiot. Nor is he particularly 'hot' - to be honest with you, I've mostly been into him because he's so into me, and because he's a sure thing. I would be embarrassed if any of our mutual internet acquaintances were to know we'd had sex.
My question is: should I go through with this interstate sex plan just to break my insanely long drought and to cheer myself up, or would that be unfair to my unwittingly irritating online paramour? And how can I make myself forget about the guy I actually like, oh he's broken my heart.
Hi.
You work at the Age.
Is Catherine Deveny as annoying and vapid as she comes across in her columns?
That is my question.
Hi FizzleFits,
Are your friends really offensive, repellent, disgusting and stinking? This is what 'noisome' means. Noisesome, on the other hand, doesn't exist, despite your addition now making a grand total of 570 entries on G**gle. Plain, old-fashioned 'noisy' is a good word.
Second question - do you still love me? Because I really am FOTB (friend of this blog), and my pedantry is well-intentioned.
Kisses.
Any completely unsubstantiated sex tales should be posted below to be picked over by government lawyers next Friday.
I have heard it on the grapevine/completely made it up that Vanstone's move to Italy was prompted by Christopher Pyne "getting her into trouble."
Sorry, I have no idea what my friend Waldorf's e-mail is about. It seemed to me like he'd just seen a porno version of Grey's Anatomy, all those 'Mc' titles he used.
I could have actually gone back and researched his reference, read last week's Q and A, but I haven't done that.
So, despite being called out, I do not have an adequate response on the topic of semen. Though, I have watched a lot of crime shows and I ahve learned that if you do ever kill someone, don't leave your semen around the place. They seem to be able to find every tiny speck with that purple/blue semen light.
But as this is the Friday Q and A, I should pose a question, shouldn't I? Okay, Fits, do you get a lot of male attention based on your writing alone. This may be hard to measure, given there are photos of you available, but I mean do you have many gents asking you to spend time with them without you ever physically meeting these people beforehand?
hello oh ms fits
i suppose my questions would be
whats your favourite
band ?
movie ?
tv show(ever)?
album ?
book ?
political leader ?
haha
hope all is well
much love from the nations capital
This here is the 18637th comment on yer bloog, Fits. 1002 of them have been written by you (congratulations). You're well and truly eclipsed by Anonymous though, on 3917.
Happy to field statistical requests from number nerds.
Also!
Why do i enjoy watching the Australian Christian Channel so much?
In response to the soon-to-be-Temptationer's comment, when on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, I took the opportunity to let fly with a rather cutting quip at the expense of Eddie's Collingwood. Such clever-dickery is apt to make you a legend amongst your acquaintances, so I recommend it. Sadly, Channel Nine edited out my anecdote about having a honeymoon in Frankston.
Also, I went to uni with Tim from Big Brother. A rather nice chap, with an air of great intensity, a propensity to argue passionately in class on political topics, and seemingly no interest whatsoever in graduating.
Such musings actually fit in with what I wanted to ask, which is, is it bad of me to want to be famous? Although willing to debase myself to some extent (cf. Australia's Got Talent) I do want to be famous for something GOOD, not just anything, but I do admit I crave fame. I have friends, and immediate family members, who have a certain level of fame, and it inspires jealousy in me. I mean, I am happy my sister's successful, but also jealous, particularly as she's successful doing what I want to do but have so far failed at. I want to be GREAT, but I cannot deny I want the celebrity too. Is that bad?
Also, have you ever seen the film Condorman starring Michael Crawford?
Thanksings you for playing the Interwebz 3000 with me once more. You are much more lovely and fragrant than those other peoples in photos. Bye.
Oh, PS. I was inquiring as to whether you submit to being interviewed. I sort-of kind-of have an embryonic idea about a series of interviews with funny folks, and you are one of those. But this isn't a formal request or anything because like I said, it is an idea vulnerable to spontaneous abortion. But I was interested. Anyway. Glad you're well. Bye!
PPS Once more, too long, too stupid, apologies.
Hmmm. I actually saw you breakfasting with those boys and they were all very, very handsome. Where do we form the orderly queue?
According to the Book Club newsletter that just arrived in my inbox I see that Richard E Grant will be a guest of the show..
Could you flutter your eyelashes at him just once for me?? you see I've had quite the crush on him ever since I was a moody drama student in the early 90's (who watched Withnail and I one too many times)and then when I was in his vicinity during a movie about a duck some years later.. He is grand.
If you can't flutter would you mind just reporting back on your time spent sitting near him??
To Waldorf,
As you may see above, alas i am not your friend Statler. Also i am more of the feminine pursuasion.
And even my pseudonym can't pull "cum" as her initials.
xx cvm
Sex and politics, does it mix?
http://www.movielol.org/performance.php?name=Ms%20Fits
If Julia Gillard did this I would vote for her. Mmmmmmm! Reheads!
I have just watched that “God delusion” documentary on the ABC.
Is there a record for the most times the word teapot has been used in a sentence in the space of 45 seconds? And did Richard Dawkins make this documentary primarily with the goal of breaking that record?
If not, then what was he doing?
On the weekend an acquaintance of mine pointed me in the direction of New Buffalo:
http://www.myspace.com/newbuffalomusic
I have been haunted all week by the fragile, yet angelic sounds. "Cheer Me Up Thank You" opens with "So it goes". For some reason it keeps reminding me of RYWHM. Have you heard them/her before?
ps., That was a gorgeous photo, wow.
Ms Fits,
Short-time lurker, first time poster, etc, etc.
I notice a little comment in the GG, regarding your Logies review and your "lack of respect for your readers".
What are your thoughts?
Frankly, this is possibly unforgiveable.
I met a "former colleague" for drinks tonight. Haven't seen him in at least three years. Discovered upon arriving that:
a/ he got married just over a year ago
b/ he has also, 18 months ago, fathered a child, outside this marriage, with a stripper from his best friend's buck's night
c/ HE HAS JOINED THE LIBERAL PARTY AND THINKS JOHN HOWARD IS "CLEVER"
My dilemma:
Despite the obvious disincentives listed above, I still got thoroughly shickered and, after having a completely inappropriate and partially naked groping session in an alley way, I dragged him back to my place and we, well, you know, shagged.
My questions:
Just how much can I blame on six glasses of Spanish Red?! It was actually really great, and it's been a long time between drinks, but REALLY, how desperate does a woman have to be?
Can I ever look at myself in the mirror again?
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Why oh why do I always manage to smudge nail polish before it has finished drying and then chip it as soon as it is dry?
Hi Ms Fits,
I saw you this morning in a cafe named after a 70s artist whose first name is Christine. Anyhow, I turned and smiled at you on my way out and you smiled back. It made me go all gushy and the rest of my day exuded happiness. I guess this is me expressing gratitude for that smile!
Now, I'm not sure how I can turn all this into a question. Perhaps you can suggest something?
Spanks,
Mik
Dear I'm Not Craig.... I have not yet seen the TV version of The God Delusion. I must say though, that having struggled for many years to reconcile my understanding of logic and science with my Catholic guilt, and being one of those annoying people who sits on the fence when it comes to God, this book has been a source of great inspiration to me in that I am actually questioning my stance on these issues now instead of putting them on the shelf for later.
More to the point though - it is fucking hilarious!! Seriously. That gentlman has a wonderful (albeit occasionally nasty) turn of phrase. I have been startling fellow travellers for the last two days. And Ms Fits - I have never been considered a slouch with the English language but I have been giving my dictionary a severe workout whilst reading this. You may enjoy it for that aspect alone. Which leads to my question(s).
Have you read it? And, if so, how many times did you use your dictionary? Is it rather strange for a committed lesbian to find a(n old) man attractive because he's smart and writes well??
Will my beloved Tiges win a game this year? *sigh*
Greetings and Salutations Fitz
Favorite sooty show character and why?
Mik, it's such an adorable place, but it can take 40 mins to get a coffee ... !
Ms Fits, how do you have the patience to eat there? I've taken my custom to Cavallero, not least for the Cameron-from-Ferris-Bueller look-alike owner.
Dear Ms Fits,
Now that you have posted a photo of yourself in your jocks, can we request outfits? Perhaps a school uniform?
You could open a site and charge membership for weekly photos of you in different outfits. Thoughts?
On my way out this morning I crossed paths with an angelic child riding with his Dad on a tandem bike, presumably on the way to school.
That's a bit much, isn't it? I don't want to join forces with those bitter people who find happiness annoying, but can tandem bikes really be used for practical things like dropping a kid off at school? At 8.20 on a weekday morning?
Multiple choice question, this week:
"Catherine Deveny:
a) annoying idiot
b) evil fuck
?"
You know how everybody has those pending loves, of the 'we'll meet again' ilk?
What happens if your last remaining love turns out to be a fat fascist fuck?
I want a detailed strategy.
(The last time you gave me love advice was a year and a half ago and it was pretty spot on)
fits.
what do you make of televisionwithoutpity.com?
are you watching Hell's Kitchen?
cheers.
hey there fitsy,
long time reader first time poster... I'm a big fan of your work on the book show and the Sunday arts program. Will you kindly answer the following questions.
1 -Do you really have a crush on Mel Gibson? I sensed an admiration that was not entirely innocent.
2 - Is it true that you are dating a journo from the world of football?
3 - Is it serious?
4 - I read of your swinger party adventure but was not sure whether you were merely an observer or a participant...please clarify.
5 - I'm having a son in 3 weeks time, what do you think of the following names?
Hamish
Ross
Stephen
Dear Ms Fits,
Could you please pass on your views of the following musical equipment for the groover and yodeler in us all. When I saw this, your name came to mind immediately.
http://www.ohmibod.com/ohmibod.html
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so many typos...
i also am in a sweaty lather over upcoming interview the Richard E Grant. mainly, i am overcome with terror, mixed with anxieties at coming across an intellectual lightweight. anyhoo,
ms fits to do's for friday:
1) read the Diceman;
2) get the Diceman on the book show (me thinks this will fly);
3) continue being awesome.
4) affectionately refer to dog as "butterball".
Any thoughts on the passing of the Palace ? Seems the various governments State and Federal won't be satisfied until all live music venues have been bulldozed into the ground and replaced with car parks and shopping centres. Just how many Witchery and ShooBiz outlets do we actually need, anyway ?
Also, has anybody noticed that Big Brother's Friday Night Live has a segment that completely rips off Ask a Ninja ? (with the exception of the fact that AaN is actually funny and Big Brother's is not). You've written shows for Channel Ten, are there any guidelines on plagiarism, or is it pretty much open slather ?
Hi Fits,
Do you think Rudd has fucked it up?
Personally I reckon Therese Rein's company deal highlights the danger of the govt's workplace legislation and illustrates why it needs to be repealed.
Predictably, the Libs have been on about the "Rudd family company" which is a despicable strategy from them to try to get more muck splattered on Kevin out of this.
Fitsalicious.
Now you have joined the Op-Ed club! Woot! How does it feel? Does the clipping go straight to the pool room?
Wow, so many people down on The Age's Catherine Deveny! Personally I love her columns. My question: What do you think of Michelle Hamer's and Melanie La'Brooy's recent columns that are both very anti-Deveny.
Ah Ms Fits, I will place my question in the correct spot!After reading your column in the GG yesterday I would like to send you some football writing that may cheer your heart a little. What's your email address?
Have a great & special weekend-it's my birthday too! Keep up your wonderful work and don't let the bastards get you down.
dear ms fits
i am a fairly new reader (three months) of your blog
and have a question
how many descriptive words do you
have for the vagina that you would use in your day to day life?
i could count three. much less than i would know for female masturbation.
jc
Hi MsFitz,
Wotz with Kevin Rudd????
Fucking Kevy shafting Dean Mighall from the ALP for uttering some choice words to the ETU comrades..why the fuck would Kevy do that ? The Labor movement has a long and proud history of profanity. I fear Kevin is morphing into that pusillanimous pustule encrusted on Capital Hill, that vulgarian, that skid mark on the bedsheet of politics, that desiccated coconut, that dead carcass swinging in the breeze. (ty PJK).
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ..spleen now vented....
So wot iz with Kevy ?
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