Reasons you will hate me

Friday q and a #72.

I woke up this morning with a quote from my friend Hughsie in my head:

'This one time you brought me a drink and I was pretty much autolubing.'


I have no idea why. He wasn't saying it about me, I just find something irresistibly wrong and lovely about it and it keeps rolling over and around my brain like seaweed in a wave.


I'm in Sydney, listening to The Basics on my Itunes and cursing liquored-up humourists who ply one with wine before a day of work. It's not going to make these offensively long Friday questions any easier, you know.

Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits,

Could you please pass on your views of the following musical equipment for the groover and yodeler in us all. When I saw this, your name came to mind immediately.

http://www.ohmibod.com/ohmibod.html

Okay, so a 'classic style vibrator that syncs with your iPod' is what makes you think of me? I'm starting to worry that I'm giving out what my mother refers to as 'the wrong impression'.


Anyhow, I do privately enjoy the absurdity of a sex toy that 'vibrates to the beat and rhythm of your music while you listen'. It doesn't add 'through your vagina', but I presume this is what they mean. I daren't imagine what Body Count's 'KKK Bitch' would sound like when shoved into the nearest orifice and blasted at full volume, though. You might do yourself some damage.

'Why is the music component so important? Listening to your favorite sexy music and actually feeling the corresponding vibes quickly transports you to a place where music, mind and body truly "come" together. The range and intensity of the vibrations are endless, creating a dynamically sensational experience never felt before!'

Also: my two favourite accessories -

1. 3-foot freedom cord

2. Velvet privacy pouch.


I'm not quite sure what either of these things are but they sound like a necessary addition to any girl's night out/handbag.



p.s. I am utterly appalled by ohmibod's use of the word 'acsexsory' and will be reporting them to the taste police at once. I hope you understand.

elmo said...
so many typos...

i also am in a sweaty lather over upcoming interview the Richard E Grant. mainly, i am overcome with terror, mixed with anxieties at coming across an intellectual lightweight. anyhoo,

ms fits to do's for friday:

1) read the Diceman;
2) get the Diceman on the book show (me thinks this will fly);
3) continue being awesome.
4) affectionately refer to dog as "butterball".

Heh. Anyone wanting to read the wash-up of Ms. Elmo's interview with Richard E Grant can do so here. Please note that she will be referring to everyone she meets as 'Tim' from now on kthx.

Big Matt Stud said...
Any thoughts on the passing of the Palace ? Seems the various governments State and Federal won't be satisfied until all live music venues have been bulldozed into the ground and replaced with car parks and shopping centres. Just how many Witchery and ShooBiz outlets do we actually need, anyway ?

Also, has anybody noticed that Big Brother's Friday Night Live has a segment that completely rips off Ask a Ninja? (with the exception of the fact that AaN is actually funny and Big Brother's is not). You've written shows for Channel Ten, are there any guidelines on plagiarism, or is it pretty much open slather ?

1. I may be the only person alive who is a bit sooky about the upcoming demolition of the Palace as I tend to get overly sentimental about music venues*. Everyone else seems to think it's a bit of boxy overcrowded nothingness and no great loss. As a pint-sized gig attendee (I plan to begin every sentence with these six words from now on), I loved being able to stand on the step up the back and see everything clearly without having to resort to climbing on some unsuspecting lad's shoulders and taking my top off as I believe is the done thing amongst ladies who require 'boosting'. I would say it marks the final downfall of the once bohemian St. Kilda, but believe the death knell sounded long ago when the post office was turned into a Hungry Jacks so it's probably only fair and good that the Shiny Teeth Cyborgs get a new shopping centre to play in.


2. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT AGAINST SHOO BIZ, YOUNG MAN.


3. I tend not to watch Friday Night Live as a) I occasionally like to pretend I have a life outside of my apartment, and b) I prefer my Big Brother housemates locked away losing their minds and bickering over teapots than participating in It's A Knockout-type shenanigans and thusly gaining stress relief/'an outlet'. Do you really take issue with a commercial network being 'inspired' by someone else's clever and funny idea? No doubt Mike Goldman and co see their homage to askaninja.com as a cheeky nod to a witty online institution rather than a direct rip-off of something they weren't smart enough to come up with themselves. That's what they tell themselves so they're able to fall asleep at night, anyway.






*I laid a wreath outside the long-departed Punters Club the day after it closed. This is completely true. I need a hobby, urgently.

TMT said...
Hi Fits,

Do you think Rudd has fucked it up?

Personally I reckon Therese Rein's company deal highlights the danger of the govt's workplace legislation and illustrates why it needs to be repealed.

Predictably, the Libs have been on about the "Rudd family company" which is a despicable strategy from them to try to get more muck splattered on Kevin out of this.

I don't think Kevin's fucked it up yet, no. And I'd agree with you about the Therese Rein business ('I was simply underpaying my workers like the Government allowed me to, Your Honour' etc), though I was out with someone last night who seemed to think the major issue was the conflict of interest with funding and we agreed that if the two of us were confused about what specific brand of mud the Liberals were slinging the public would feel the same and thusly the whole thing will be a faded memory come November. Then we drank more wine and congratulated ourselves on being such clever and self-possessed left wingers and wondered aloud why we didn't have more friends. Time passed.

Anonymous said...
Fitsalicious.

Now you have joined the Op-Ed club! Woot! How does it feel? Does the clipping go straight to the pool room?

Actually, I accidentally threw it into the recycling bin. No doubt my parents would have a copy as they keep a scrapbook devoted to my every printed word IS THAT NOT RIGHT, ADORING MATER AND PATER.

Anonymous said...
Wow, so many people down on The Age's Catherine Deveny! Personally I love her columns. My question: What do you think of Michelle Hamer's and Melanie La'Brooy's recent columns that are both very anti-Deveny.

I only read the huffy cesarean piece, and I can't remember which one of them wrote it. Judging by last week's vitriol Catherine Deveny's someone who pokes at people in offensive places and I rather enjoy that she riles up fellow columnists. Having said that, I'd hate for her to turn on me as her pen can be brilliantly poisonous so I plan to maintain warm and friendly relations until the end of time. Hi Catherine, if you're reading. Lots of love, etc.

Julitha said...
Ah Ms Fits, I will place my question in the correct spot!After reading your column in the GG yesterday I would like to send you some football writing that may cheer your heart a little. What's your email address?
Have a great & special weekend-it's my birthday too! Keep up your wonderful work and don't let the bastards get you down.

Hello Miss Fingers, and a hippo birthings to you also. You can email me at reasonsyouwillhateme@gmail.com though I warn you I can be slow to reply as I have about eight thousand email addresses and tend to get caught up daydreaming about Jon Stewart bursting into my room and covering me with kisses rather than doing anything that could be considered of use to the world so I apologise in advance for any tardy response or lack thereof.

jctrue said...
dear ms fits
i am a fairly new reader (three months) of your blog
and have a question

how many descriptive words do you
have for the vagina that you would use in your day to day life?

i could count three. much less than i would know for female masturbation.

jc

Well jc, that would depend on how often I'm called upon to refer to vaginas in day to day life. Obviously the radio show I do on Triple R borderlines on filth and invites creative genital-based inventings in order to keep things 'fresh'. I utilise the following with some regularity:


Veedge

Box

VJ

Flange

Hoo-Ha

Cunny

Cunt


though have never really stopped to count. The word 'vagina' itself is inherently amusing to me and if all else fails is an excellent stand-by.

Lord_Throb said...
Hi MsFitz,

Wotz with Kevin Rudd????

Fucking Kevy shafting Dean Mighall from the ALP for uttering some choice words to the ETU comrades..why the fuck would Kevy do that ? The Labor movement has a long and proud history of profanity. I fear Kevin is morphing into that pusillanimous pustule encrusted on Capital Hill, that vulgarian, that skid mark on the bedsheet of politics, that desiccated coconut, that dead carcass swinging in the breeze. (ty PJK).

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ..spleen now vented....

So wot iz with Kevy ?

I guess the sooner we in the Left stop viewing Kevin as some kind of sweepingly manly Whitlam-esque rebel reformer the better. He is - by his own admission - a political conservative, and at this stage needs to be seen as one in order to win over an increasingly po-faced public. I'm accepting the current nods to Middle Australia as a necessity and part of a greater plan to get the wee carcass out of the big chair. Once we're safely ensconsed, Ms. Gillard and co step up to make it worth it and if they don't I suggest some kind of mass suicide, poss. at next year's Big Day Out (Melb venue pending).

Anonymous said...
Hi Fits

Me first, me first!! Happy birthday! Should I send a gift? What would you like? I feel much obligied as you have been brightning my day most days for a good two years now and I have narry provided one small gift.

Ok, last week I stopped at a pedestrian crossing for the people to cross, low and behold who should cross in front of my humble little car bonnet? Amanda Vanstone no less! To my utter shame I just sat in my stationary car with my jaw in my lap. What should I have done with this prime opportunity?

x
teaspoon

Hello teaspoon, and thank you for your kind anniversaire wishes. You don't need to send me anything as my darling friends provided much in the way of birthly gifts, including

a) This beautiful Magritte painting





b) A silk scarf with a picture of someone who looks frighteningly like me on it


c) A sculpture trophy of a couple sitting on a swing


d) A black and white photo of my friend Gooshy which sticks on my mobile and lights up like a homosexual disco ball whenever I get a text


e) Expensive and weird-looking European gin


f) Cake


g) A Stop Staring dress


h) A MOTHERFUCKING RED ALTO SAXOPHONE


so I am wickedly well-catered for, though I do very much appreciate your thoughts.


With regard to Lady Vanstone and your car bonnet, seeing as how you sadly failed to slam your foot down on the accelerator and run her over OF COURSE I JEST MEN AND WOMEN OF THE FEDERAL INTERNET POLICE I would suggest if the opportunity arises again you should beep your horn with gusto and wave cheerily until she comes over to the window and then shout IT'S HIGHLY LIKELY THAT YOU WILL ROT IN HELL, OLD BEAN before driving away with your car stereo blaring Spencer P Jones and the Escape Committee.

Anonymous said...
Me second, me second...story of my sad life...
Ms Fits,

I loved your GG article on footy. I too am a former fitzroy tragic who cannot bring myself to support the brisbane bears although after three premierships in a row I started rethinking my stance. My questions to you fair lady is what will it take for you to again follow a team? I so want to a born again footy head but just don't know how to go about it.
I also noticed that you mentioned in the aforementioned article a night of wine and pyjama parties with a handsome bass player! Did you finally score with the hunky one from Jet and if not why not and who is the mystery man?
Much Love
otter
ps what did you do for your 31st? I ask because I spent mine in an induced coma.

1. The Fitzroy Football Club tale is truly a sad and sorry one, Otter - I feel your pain. Quite a few people sent emails regarding that particular piece, and a couple of folk gently encouraged me to turn my thoughts to other AFL Clubs (Richmond being sorely tempting as I do very much like bellowing that YELLOW AND BLACK bit when it comes time to sing the theme song), but my heart broke for good that afternoon in Freeo and there's really no going back. I still love the game, just have no passionate connection to a guernsey any longer which is immeasurably sad.


2. I did not score with Mark 'Big Boy' Wilson as he is sadly taken and I only admire from a respectful distance these days. My pyjama-clad companion for the evening was Patrick J Bourke and I can highly recommend him for any ladies out there looking for an evening on the couch making witticisms about Dennis Commetti.


3. The morning of my 31st birthday I went round to my beloved Gabi's house for ricotta pancakes and off-colour jokes that people who recently had babies should not be allowed to make. Eventually I headed to Mt. Franklin with a small team of hedonists for feasting at the Farmers Arms and late-night singsongs about ATM's and there we stayed for two days of cheesing and funtimes. Why were you in an induced coma? I'm awfully concerned. Are you quite recovered?

Ryan said...
Bugger, I was hoping to be the first to say "Happy birthday tiger". Oh well...

As I still have a long Friday of work ahead of my, the ability to formulate any pithy question at this point is beyond me. So...did you ever eat Clag glue as a child. I've been trying to explain to my workmates how it was a staple of a large percentage of 5 year old Australians' diets.

Of course I did, Ryan. I probably still would if I was hungry enough, though I tend to steer clear of boogers these days as they're slightly too salty.

Anonymous said...
Re: lefty tim "grabbing the arms of unsuspecting philosophy students and breathing unpleasantly in their faces" at Sydney Uni, I think it should be pointed out that this was his past-time for many years before becoming an ex-Big Brotherer. He has been an habituee of the Sydney Uni Arts Student Milieu for almost ten years now, breathing heavily on anything pretty that passes. It's not a symptom of failed celebrity, it's a lifestyle choice, and Tim is still lovely and still wins the vote of this lefty lady of the blogosphere (and previously SU campus, shoutout to the newtown kidz).

And another vote for the We Heart Lefty Tim camp. I pass no judgement with regards to the heavy breathing on pretty things as I don't doubt in darkened corners of bars I can get a little overexcited myself and should I squeeze knees too vigorously sometimes it's only because I'm jazzed and ready to be humoured.

Anonymous said...
Hmmm, I left a comment for last week's Q&A regarding a certain musical appendage, noting that your birthday was forthcoming and needing some guidance on what to get the girl about town. Now I'm at a lost on what exactly to get......

What does the girl about town need???.....cue "That Girl" theme song, which I might add, is very much our own Ms Fits.......images of you strolling the streets of Melbourne, flying the political kite ensue.
hmmmm........um, yes well, where were we?

Happy Birthday beautiful.

I'm presuming you are the Anon of the earlier 'stick your Ipod up your fanny' q, am I correct? I don't really want for much these days past clever conversation and the sort of food that makes your eyeballs spin around in your skull, but if you're buying I'll take white chocolate pizza from I Carusi and a lapdance.

Anonymous said...
why happy birthday! i do hope that your birthday weekend was filled with love, laughter, drinking and debauchery (and not necessarily in that order).

not so much a question as a statement that i wanted to share with the fine people of RYWHM.

i do believe i have found the love of my life. he's smart and cute. he cooks. he makes me laugh (and i him). he holds my hand when walking, and bear hugs me when we stop. he makes me tea.

AND we haven't slept together - on HIS suggestion. we are waiting until the horror that is my uni exams are over. although this doesn't stop me wanting to have him naked in my bed.

i am in a state of bliss.

That is magnificent news, Anon. Enjoy your giddy pocket of loveliness; he sounds like a keeper.

MsBrittle said...
Is there a 'How far away are you?' competition. I raise Ryan's paltry (PALTRY!) Fleet Street, with Old Street. That's a good 20 minutes east-er than he.

Tell me I'm a winner
please?

I am obnoxiously ignorant when it comes to geography and someone you would pretty much violently loathe if I were to join your Trivial Pursuit team, so I reserve judgement. Didn't someone from a faraway-sounding Europa nation post a question on here a few weeks ago? Am I smoking crack? NB BOTH COULD BE TRUE.

Anonymous said...
Another Gemini! Happy Birthday MsFits. I've still got a few weeks to go (I'd almost forgotten).

Have you finally caught up with "Boston Legal" - I nearly fall off my couch on a regular basis with the laughing.
Frank from Abbotsford

Hello, Frank from Abbotsford. I haven't seen you around the traps much lately.


I haven't yet caught up with Boston Legal, no. Eventually someone is going to rumble how repulsively ill-versed I am when it comes to all things televisual and I will be swiftly fired. Still, I'll have more time for decoupage so you take the good with the bad, etc.



p.s. Warmest annual congratulatorings to you, fellow Gem.

Johnny Nemo said...
For starters, that "www.taketheaction.com checklist.... I ticked every box for christs sake!! Guess I'm going to hell....

"I want to watch pornographic content on the Internet all the time although I don't masturbate. I know inside myself that this habit is not a positive one because it is taking the time that I could use to do something which is more fulfilling and constructive." ...... NOT!!

*Now that verification (now x2 ! )was a mouthful..... given a few jugs of sangria!! phew

We have a chronic masturbator among us! AVERT THINE EYES, CHILDREN OF RYWHM.

Anonymous said...
Happy birthday!

So, my question is this: I've been seeing a woman for a few months and I have formed this horrible, sneaking suspicion from offhand comments that she has made that she may actually be a Liberal voter.

I have no idea what to do. Can you help me?

Wait, it's taken you a few months to sort this out? Does this mean I'm the only person screening potential boyfriends with the opening gambit 'What'syourfavouriterecordcanyouspelldoyoulikeeatingandareyouafascistwhowantstokissJohnHowardontheface'? I can't imagine being a few months in to a languid relationship without at least having touched upon politics as I am the sort of idiot that will start off a date by getting excited about ACNielsen polls and taking it from there. What kind of offhand comments is your paramour blithely injecting into conversation? 'I must say, those darkies are certainly bleating on about an apology aren't they?'. Gracious me.


If it's important to you, you might have to bring it up sooner rather than later as the longer you immerse yourself in your steamy love affair the more difficult it's going to be to suddenly announce that you can't go through with the wedding as you're politically opposed to every fiber of your fiancee's being and you rather hope people won't mind returning gifts to the registry. Who knows, she may be just a confused swinging voter requiring enlightenment. Perhaps your love for her/the sexing will overwhelm any misgivings you have about politics and the state of the nation. Good affairs are hard to come by, you know.



p.s. Stab her while she sleeps. It's the only way to kill the undead.

Pusia said...
Happy Happy.

In response to

Pusia said...

You know how everybody has those pending loves, of the 'we'll meet again' ilk?

What happens if your last remaining love turns out to be a fat fascist fuck?

< RYWHM EDIT >


Basically, this guy and I see each other every three years, and now he is a lump of fascist porridge.

So as I have pretty much answered my own question, and as I have exhausted all those other pending maybe-loves...I ask you- where to now?

A rapid moving on, my friend. No-one wants to be shagging lumpy fascist porridge except Erica Baxter, and who are we to judge her lifestyle choices?


Difficult as it may be to accept that your pending love may have run its course, try to think of this as less of a setback and more of an impressive opening up of possibilities. You now get to pack away your residual burnings for Chunky McFuckhead in a sad and lovely memorial suitcase whilst clearing the slate for some throbbing shiny newness who will soon strut into your heart and make your knickers do cartwheels. I think that's a cause for a celebration, don't you?


*raises glass*


Enjoy, my friend.

m. said...
hey fits-face,

i don't really have any questions, just wanted to touch base and say howdy. i would have totally taken you to the work cocktail shindig, but i fear you would have ultimately been embarassed by my horrible white-boy dancing after the event at a nasty south melbourne club whose name i will not mention.

next time, though.

I'll hold you to that, young man. Although you should be aware that I am very rarely embarrassed by horrible dancing as I'm used to Gabi waving sex toys around and wearing light-up lingerie during Town Bikes shows, so just you let me know when we're heading out to paint the town puce and I'll be sure to wear a nice dress.

epon_anon said...
Happy birthday Fits, hope that you enjoy Keating. Let us know what you think of it (saw it on my birthday & thought it was a great treat).

Oh, I loved it. And I particularly enjoyed the choir of middle-class, middle-aged passionate left-wingers in the audience who were so enraged by the sight of Terry Serio dressed up as John Howard that one of them shouted out YOU'RE GONE, HOWARD right in the middle of a musical number.

Easily Confused said...
Happy Birthday Ms Fits.

Wishing you every lovely thing.

Thanks for making me laugh, my favourite this week "Pudge-o the Nazi".

xx

Thank you, Easily Confused. I hope 'Chunky McFuckhead' tickled you in pleasing places too.

The Slapper Princess said...
Happy Birthamaday you gigantic-brained, cheeky, sex-pot petal, you!

Eat a box of fancy chocolates immediately!

I was thinking long and hard about our Blogger's Netball Team (until I forgot about it) and have now decided to abandon the idea for the formation of a Girl Band. Obviously there needs to be about 5 members and each girl must have a theme/genre/character and it will be blatantly ripping off the Spice Girls but I will call it an homage. I can't sing or dance but I can pose and I like playing dress ups... would you like to join?

Oh god, the blogger's netball team. I was hoping that idea would crawl away and die somewhere, though obviously the new suggestion of an all-singing all-dancing pop outfit changes things somewhat. Do you really think it's wise for us to unleash our high kicks and deranged choral techniques on an unsuspecting public? We're writers for a reason, you know.


p.s. Bags me the Absinthe Fairy costume.

Fenz said...
Lovely Fits, I hope you have a wonderful birthday and spend the weekend immersed in debauchery and joy.

Fen

A long and solemn bow of gratitude to you, Fen. The weekend was slightly lacking in debauchery, though I'm quite open for suggestions for tomorrow night if anyone in Sydney wants to show me a good time.

Anonymous said...
if one more person uses the phrase "long time reader, first time commenter" or the like i'll boycott this blog by frowning at everyone i have eye contact with in public.
that out of the way, how did your big 31st go?
presents, kisses, nudie runs etc?

Does it really bother you to the point of public frowning, Anon? I rather like that people who have been loitering on the outskirts are making themselves known.


There was a small amount of nudity on my birthday - copped a squizz at Gen's chesticles when we took a bath together, and Gooshy walked around in a very small pair of red underpants for what seemed to be a very long time - but for the most part it was very adult and chocolate fondant-esque. I really must pick up my game.

Rich said...
CONDOR MAN ROCKS!

Golly gee, I wish I could watch it again. So many years ago now.

con-dor maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

This is what I believe we refer to in q and a terms as a 'private moment'.


Enjoy your shouting there, figlet. Know that your war cries are reaching like-minded brothers:

Ben said...
THANK YOU RICH! I'm still waiting for a Condorman sequel, but I'm afraid Michael Crawford is too corpulent. I have it on DVD, I think I'm the only person I know who can say that.

I want to weigh in on Catherine Deveny: I often agree with what she writes, but I do think she's annoying through being not as funny as she thinks she is. I should stress that nobody should care what I think in the least. But I do still wonder what the hell she was on about with that story about prancing around the streets waving breadsticks.

Oh, this isn't my question! Don't look at me!

Fine, we won't. Just you two carry on your Condorman playtime unencumbered by society's judgement.

rich said...
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Ms. Fits. We all (well, most of us) love you to bits - kissy, kissy, huggie wuggsy.

My mum died on the 26th three years ago from cancer. She was 360 degrees of awesome too.

So seize the day - as they say. No need for Latin interpretation, no doubt.

Oh - that's quite a beautiful and heartfelt message to read. Vigorous and warm rubbings on your upper arm, rich. Day is duly seized, and thank you sincerely for spilling.

Rowena said...
I had always thought Catherine Deveny seemed completely unhinged, not to mention rather coarse.

Then the other week I heard a story that confirmed this (oh my, did it ever).

Anyway ... happy birthday happy soul x

More Deveny! Lordy me. She's becoming the new Bevis on Friday q and a.


p.s. I don't want to know, do I?



p.p.s. More:

miss_teary_us said...
Why do you think people find Catherine Deveny so jarring? I find her three parts hilarious to two parts annoying, but she certainly doesn't tangle my britches too much. Surely not everyone who writes to The Age/carps on the tram/comments on your page can be a wounded writer of McLeod's Daughters. With regard to your fans, is it possible that they see her as the Beta light entertainment columnist to your Alpha, and feel the need to bare their canines in her direction? As for the rest of the World, what's the beef?

Oh god, I don't know. I can say for a fact that Catherine Deveny's friends tell her she's funnier than me (she told me it was thus), so obviously each of us has a camp of loyalists. Why can't we all just get along?



*rolls around onstage in bag*



Also: 'Tangle my britches' = ace.

Anonymous said...
Hey Fits,

Happy birthday etc etc.

I have an etiquette question;

Today I was sitting out the front of the NGV, killing time with my son. I was consumed with looking at a photo of a poo on my phone, and he was consumed with consuming a cupcake. It was a blissful little moment of togetherness, as you could imagine.

My poo gazing was interrupted by my son pointing out through the half cupcake crammed in his mouth that someone was taking photos of us. I looked up to see a woman squeeze another one off*, smile, and walk away.

Later I went in to the gallery to collect my daughter who'd been at a kids' art class there. She was showing me a bunch of drawings she'd done when I noticed a flash going off. Sure enough, it was the same woman, heading up an escalator, smiling again.

Now it's important to note that both my kids (the boy is three and the girl six, btw) are undeniably gorgeous. My daugther has even been shown in a graphic on the channel nine news (she and her peers were described as human bridges over a river of fear in the news piece, which is a description I have ever since wished for myself). I can therefore understand people feeling an impulse to photograph them, I just can't understand the way the impulse was acted upon in this instance.

In any case, this was not a professional or student photographer - her camera looked distinctly amateur. Not a word was said to either me or the kids to see if we were happy about being her subjects and nor were we told what the photos would be used for.

Why would someone do this? Have I just 'made' the worst surveillance operative ever? Is there some sort of fatherboy website I can expect to see myself on shortly ? Or will there just be a picture in Vice accusing us of having fat arses?

Am I being uptight?


* ooh err, I know it sounds rude

This is one of the most remarkable questions I've ever had the pleasure of encountering, for myriad reasons. I won't go into whose poo you were gazing at on your phone or why indeed you store photographs of poos on your phone as what you do in your own time is your own business and it's not for me to point the finger and say GOODNESS ME BUT THAT'S AN UNUSUAL AND SOMEWHAT DISTASTEFUL HOBBY because you have asked for my help and I'm here to give it.


Pretty much the only time I take photographs of people without asking their permission is when they're a couple in matching outfits and therefore just begging to be scorned by my cocky highbrow friends. I can't imagine simply pointing my camera at an unsuspecting child and taking a few quick pictures as there are laws about that kind of thing and it wouldn't look good for someone who writes kids television for a living to be carted away by the Sexing Police for photographic perversion. The fact that your lurky pedo-woman was last seen disappearing up an escalator like some kind of character in a French spy movie just adds to the mystery. Are you sure she wasn't from the DHS, monitoring your strangely erotic faecal obsession and ready to report you in to the feds? Be careful your extra-curricular activities don't make you a marked man, Papa.

Hamish said...
Dear Ms Fits,

Thanks for the weekly chuckle. I mostly wanted to say I was tickled you like the name Hamish, given that it is mine also. Sadly I had to look up "opprobriously" in a dictionary.

In the interests of actually (pretending to) ask a question, is the confession booth likely to be a regular feature? I did enjoy it though I was as usual too disorganised to post myself..

I'd say it'll be reasonably regular, Hamish. The most recent one was number four in a series, and I guess as long as you secretive and sordid folk have more guts to tumble then I'll keep giving you an outlet as I am by nature a sweetheart.

Thalesian said...
Better late than never... (said the bishop, etc.)

Happy birthday for yesterday, Ms Fits. Did the birthday fairy bring you any nice presents? Will there be another 'Birthday Present Mash-up' competition as there was last year? (Surfboard foot rope and a personal pleasure device, if I recall correctly.)

Selection of gifts listed above, Thalesian. I dare you to do your worst with gin, cake, and a red saxophone.



p.s. This is where a 'velvet privacy pouch' would come in handy.

Ben said...
OK, this is my question (and Happy Birthday):

In order to accurately describe someone as your "best friend", do they have to consider you the same? IOW, is the person who is my closest friend my best friend because they are the closest, or does the fact they have about twenty closer friends than ME invalidate the best friendness?

N.B. I am not as big a loser as this question makes me seem. I am, however, as big a loser as all my others did.

Oh, I see. That's a kind of tricky one. Gabi is my best friend and I am hers, though I can't remember us ever having 'The Talk' and deciding that we were ready for that kind of step in our relationship as it would have been mildly awkward if I were to link arms and pronounce us besties only to have her draw back in horror and tell me she wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. Having said that, do we really need titles past a certain age? I have a handful of people I am fiercely close to and protective of and would happily crawl over broken glass for etc. Possessing that kind of all-encompassing love for another human being surpasses the necessity for ur my best mate/no no ur mine business, does it not?


Having said that, if Gen doesn't stop mercilessly giving me shit I'm demoting her to a lower ranking.




Also: wtf is 'IOW'? I Own Wheat? In Other Worlds? It Often Wanks? This is one of those young person's LOL things that I am patently not understanding, isn't it?

d said...
Happy birth anniversary Fitsulism. You constantly entertain, inform, and educate in ways that fill me with hope that I may one day transform from general awkwardness in to witty, smart person that people come to ask for advice and stay for the hotness. If only we had more of you, and less of certain promobarbie-cum-blogger-cum-columnists as CityKat Feeney up here in Ye Olde Beattie town, the world and its populace would be a brighter place.

Somewhat on that note: who do you think makes the better Agony Aunt - a person that always seems to make all the correct life-choices, or someone who makes lots of mistakes and seems to learn from them? And where does an Agony Aunt turn when in need of emotional signposts?

You made me feel warmings all over with your kindness there, d. That's particularly lovely of you. Here, have a free wristie.


With regard to your Agony Aunt query - I'd go the latter, as people who dive headfirst into trouble only to later shake off the drops are always more interesting to be around and have better stories and life experiences and fuckups to share. Also considering the fact that roughly fifty people per week find it within the goodness of their hearts to drop by this here blog and ask sincere and open questions of someone who is quite obviously unhinged I'd be a mug to vote otherwise.


When Agony Aunts are in need of assistance they turn to Ask Jeeves.com. It's good for what ails ye.

Anonymous said...
Dear Fits,

Do you regard yourself as an Agony Aunt or has this mantle been thrust upon you?

Well I'm here to thrust: what can a lad do who seems to find himself emitting platonic "let's just be friends" feromones by the bucket load? I am regarded by my friends (and by myself if I may be so bold) to be intelligent and witty, I am in reasonable shape and every facial feature is within the generally accepted confines of size and location. The platonic feromones however seem to overpower the effect of my reasonably attractive mid-20's exterior.

Unlike some of my friends who seem to be fighting off flusies with blunt instruments - treating their girlfriends like shit and cheating on them with an alarming absence of qualms - I have a healthy respect of women (being raised by a mother who read the Feminine Eunuch you see). However this seems to do me no good. Do some women actually want to be treated like shit? I have read somewhere that women will actually seek out blokes who will take them on an emotional roller coaster rather than go for your stable "nice guy" type (i.e. me) - discuss.

Thank you for listening, hope you had a happy birthday.

Cheers,

Bob

Word verification: txfuxhim. The motto of the Australian Tax Office?

I really should start making a collection of the piss-funny things people have said about their word verification on Friday q and a. We could put a book out. It would be our first project together QUICK LET'S HUG.



I'm sorry your efforts at being a decent human being aren't paying off with copious amounts of vagina being flung your way, Bob. Women - and I count myself as one on occasion - can be maddening creatures when it comes to the hirsuite sex. We'll roughly push some sad-eyed bundle of sweetheart out of the way in order to get to a lanky troubadour with emotional issues who turns up on our doorstep at 3am holding a copy of Tim Buckley's Song To The Siren and a handgun. What's wrong with us? Tssch.


Please don't adjust to suit the needs of us flighty bitches, dear young gent. Keep on with your respectfulness and kind soul and eventually some very clever lady will twig to your sensational humane qualities and hold on to you so tight you'll fair lose your breath.



p.s. Am more than happy with the Agony Aunt title, thrusted or parried or lunged or otherwise.



ADDITIONALLY YOU JUST HIT PAYDIRT:

Anonymous said...
Bob, you sound adorable.

Can I set you up with my sister? She's in a similar predicament.

She looks like Nigella Lawson and has a wicked sense of humour, but watches on as all her dim-witted beige friends beat boys off with sticks.

Goodness me. Does she swing? She sounds delightful.

Bob said...
Wicked sense of humour? Looks like Nigella Lawson? By all means set up away. I just hope my culinary expectations will not be too high. But could she learn to love a man who can't spell pheromones? We could go swimming with the dolfins, drink at the elefant and wheelbarrow...

Oh Bob, you lovely thing. Do keep us posted.

DipherOne. said...
Eddie Current Suppression Ring are so damn good. Ive known the drummer and his brother for years and years and they are all great guys. Would you do a Kate Hudson and provide these lads some post gig entertainment, a la the band aids, or is that below your station a little bit?

I do beg your pardon, DipherOne. Are you offering me around the young Suppression lads like some kind of sexy post-dinner chocolate-covered mint? Cheeky minx.


Alright then, if I must.

Anonymous said...
Hi Fits,
My friend who recommended this site is certain that you are a right wing conspiracy to make lefties look silly. She is also of the belief that Andrew Bolt is a communist who pretends to be a crazy redneck to make the right-wingers look bad. Despite this she reads both of your work religiously and hates you both equally. I wanted to be a good friend and hate you too but although its easy to loathe Bolt I find you rather amusing and difficult to hate. But seriously are you so completely one dimensional in your policitial/social outlook or is that part of the persona? You seem too intelligent and insightful to be such a cliché. That was meant as a compliment, really it was!
I've read a couple of your Green Guide articles and I may be wrong but it seems to me that you really don't like television - and who can blame you? - So why do you write for the Green Guide when you could be writing reviews of books, concerts, albums?
Talking about television, I feel ashamed to confess that I was part of Rove's studio audience last night. The shame I feel as I type this is only relieved by the fact that I made eye contact with Mark from Jet and I think we could be happy together if we ever meet again. I read in an earlier question that you may be bumping uglies (I feel naughty typing that) with him - is that true you man stealing bitch?
If its not true, I apologise and ask who are you bumping uglies with? Please give full details as I'm not getting any at the moment.
My friend with the conspiracy theories thinks you're a raging lezzo (her words, not mine) - is she right? If she's not, who would you turn gay for? I'm rather keen on Miss Universe, what do you think of our Jennifer?
And last of all, in q&a 69 (hehe) you said you were off to a date with your ex- whats that about? Are you a fan of intermittently bumping uglies (as you may have guessed, I'm rather enjoying my overusage of that expression)with the ex? Please explain.

love
Lassie
p.s. Do you believe in fidelity and do you think each of us has at least one true love/soul mate who is perfect for us? I feel terribly childish asking that but I have intelligent friends who believe this wholeheartedly. Are they mad or am I too jaded?

Dear me.


Right you are, let's tackle this then.


a) I am not a conservative conspiracy designed to make left-wing people look stupid. I make an idiot of myself completely independently of any outside organisation.


b) I'm a reasonably cliched bleeding heart Lady of the Left, though if you take everything said on this blog as a stapled-on gospel part of my personality makeup then you are smoking crack. I am - obviously - an INCREDIBLY COMPLEX INDIVIDUAL.


c) I don't mind television. And if you're asking why I write about things in the column I don't much seem to care for, it's because I find that kind of thing funnier than 850 words of treacle-sick praisings.


Also: I occasionally write book reviews. You just need to know where to look.


d) See way up above re: Mark Wilson from Jet. I am utterly respectful of his love affair and we are in no way bumping uglies.


e) I am currently not sharing a bed with anyone.


f) I am not a 'raging lezzo'.


g) I would turn gay for Amy Winehouse, Tina Fey and Jennifer Herrema. But only if they asked nicely.


h) Jennifer Hawkins is a bit vanilla for me. I prefer my ladyfriends a bit 'gritty'.


i) I have outings with quite a few of my ex boyfriends, Lassie. They are for the most part platonic catch-ups with darling fellows who I'm very happy to remain friends with.


j) If both parties are 'on board' I see no harm in occasionally exchanging fluids with an erstwhile inamorato, no.


k) I do believe in fidelity, yes. And I'd like to think that there's one true love/soulmate out there for each of us, despite how quaintly romantic a notion it is. Forget your jaded friends - enjoy feeling the flush of passionate optimism.

Anonymous said...
if hamish, of hamish and andy, brings the funny then what does andy contribute?

The honey.

Grrr said...
Gold. Pure gold:

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,20867,21803296-2703,00.html

No question required.

Oh my. You ain't the only one pointing this out, Grrr:

Anonymous said...
Madam,

Given that the whole wimmin at work thing has been getting some press here, what are we to make of the following suggestion from the good people at "the world's leading Sunni university"?

To summarise, men and women who are not related can't work together without fornicating, unless she happens to be lactating, in whihc case if she gives all and sundry a crack at 'em. Then all is well.


http://theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,20867,21803296-2703,00.html?from=public_rss

Fatwa promotes adult breastfeeding,
A RELIGIOUS ruling by an Islamic scholar permitting women to breastfeed adults with whom they work has led to his suspension this month from al-Azhar University in Cairo, the world's leading Sunni university.
Izzat Atiyaa had issued a fatwa, or religious ruling, offering his bold suggestion as a way around the prohibition in Islamic religious law against a woman working in private premises with a man who was not her close relative. Breastfeeding, he argued, would create a familial relationship under Islamic law.
Dr Atiyaa explained to the Egyptian newspaper al-Watani al-Yawm that: "A man and a woman who are alone together are not (necessarily) having sex but this possibility exists and breastfeeding provides a solution to this problem (by) transforming the bestial relationship between two people into a religious relationship based on (religious) duties."

Those zany Islamic scholars. They're really all just Queensland Young Liberals in funny clothes, aren't they?

BEVIS said...
Just me. Is it too early to return to the madness?

Hope not, 'cos that's what I'm doing:

"Moreover, charging membership fees for a site devoted solely to pictures of me decked out as a milkmaid sounds suspiciously like pornography and is not a career choice I wish to make as yet, thank you for asking."

When do you think you might make this career choice, then? Should I start saving up for my membership fees now?

Do you realise that I hadn't read your blog all week last week, then was at the cinema on Saturday with Wifey waiting for the movie to start when I suddenly realised the date, REMEMBERED ALL ON MY OWN that it was your birthday, and sent you the 'Happy Birthday' SMS from the opening credits of Spider-Man 3? (Your reply came through just as Spidey was showing us his new tricks - thankfully the phone was on silent.)

Does this somehow make me a good friend, even though we STILL haven't seen each other since our school reunion three or so years ago?

Knowing that your answer to the above question will be 'yes' (but in an amusing way - pressure's on!), can I have another question?

Now that you're 31 (must update your profile, btw), do you have private health insurance? What is your opinion of getting it before the fees are hiked up as you get older? What do you make of the ads they're trotting out at the moment about it? (How's that for timing, too! Right around your birthday! Maybe they're speaking DIRECTLY TO YOU.)

Or would you just prefer to walk around with a big blue or green umbrella over your head at all times to fool them into thinking you're covered? Would an umbrella protect you from accidents? What if it was made of something strong and impregnable like iron or lead or krypton or a barren womb?

Welcome back, Bevis. And I'm not the only one to be celebrating good times come on:

meva said...
Hurrah! Bevis is back!

It must be nice to be loved.



Anyhow. Yes, Bevis is back, with interminably long questions. So let us proceed -


1. It's not too early to return to the madness. I think you timed it perfectly, just quietly.


2. I shall be making the leap into pornographic websites some time in the next five years, when the important bits 'head south'. I wouldn't save my money if I were you; it's not going to be worth it in any way whatsoever.


3. I didn't realise that, no. And yes, it does make you a very good friend with an abnormally sharp memory.


4. Yes, you may have another question.


5. I do not have private health insurance.


6. I'm not that interested in getting any, nor have I noticed any commercials as I don't watch much television. Do you work for a private health insurance agent, Bevis? I am starting to detect what's known in the business as a 'hard sell'.


7. I can hardly make our your last jumble of questions but it would appear you're asking me to walk around town holding a barren womb over my head which I must say is somewhat graphic and borderlining on poor taste.

Anonymous said...
Its Lassie again, forgot to ask the main question that I had. Obviously the long dry spell I'm suffering is playing havoc with my brain matter. I luuurved Last Man Standing, any chance of bringing it back on Foxtel? If they can finance Love my way then why not LMS? It would be fantastic!
p.s. Happy birthday.
p.p.s. What was your birthday wish?

I think LMS is long dead in the water, Lassie. Though I'm sure if you called channel 7 and Foxtel to ask them they'd take your comments 'on board'.



I'm not sure I made a birthday wish. It would have involved kissing if I did.

Fenz said...


Have you seen this site fitsalicious? I've just spent the last 15 minutes having a jolly good chuckle.

Fen

I have seen the Paul Keating Insults Archive before, yes. I very much like the quote from a phone conversation with Jim McClelland:

'"That you Jim? Paul Keating here. Just because you swallowed a f***ing dictionary when you were about 15 doesn't give you the right to pour a bucket of shit over the rest of us."'


*nods thoughtfully*

Easily Confused said...
Ms Fits I love this blog. I can't stay away, it's my little coffee break buddy.

Any of you out there with romantic woes, not getting enough, getting too much, lusting in odd directions.....just cram your life so full of work that all you do is work and sleep.

Hey it's working for me.

A pertinent bit of advice indeed, EC. And something in it for all of us, too. I find liquor helps as well, if anyone's looking for further emotional padding.



****************


There are more questions to be tackled, but I'm afraid they'll have to marinate for seven days. I must now hit the town with La Nads, and try to place myself in front of Daniel Boud's magical lens, and then on Sunday I am disappearing to the Blue Mountains for forty eight blessed hours and no-one will be able to find me and I will be glad of it.



Of course, you're able to try. But only you.




Leave your questions for next Friday in the comments below. And, as ever, I KISS YOU.






166 days til the next election.

43 comments.