Friday q and a #74.
'Reprazentin' - as I believe Channel V hosts say nowadays - the Sydlee massive up here in perfectly rainy New South. I'm starting to enjoy my brief sojourns to Botany Bay (appeal pending), particularly when blessed with the company of charming photogropers and their pulchritudinous crew.It'll be a half day today as I have many things to squeeze in before shutting up shop and meandering my way home to Melbourne. So sit down, shut up, and just take a fucking butchers at these finely-crafted Friday questions...
Anonymous said...
Rubbed yourself raw, eh?
Look, the original script was 'flicking myself off constantly', if you must know. I was told to improvise and I did. You can't do eleven years of salty banter on community radio and not have a useful standby of colourful metaphors to horrify your parents with, can you?
Fandom said...
" I won't be 'doing' Bob, no. There was talk of it for a while but I thought it would cross the line into I WILL COME FOR YOU AT NIGHT stalker territory so am sticking with Helen Garner. Who is this 'comedy scruff' you speak of? Do I have a nemesis? Will there be pistols at dawn? I do hope not; I fucking hate early mornings. "
Do you have a nemesis? I thought you already did... a certain green-wearing Liberal 'lady-bird'...
What do you think became of her, by the way?
Oh, poor old Miranda Airey-Branson. Presumably she's recovered from her brief period as the whipping girl of the Left and carried on to a more noble existence as a card-carrying conservative Bocce champion. I'm not sure having a two-week stoush with someone on the internet necessarily counts as a serviceable basis for a long term nemesis, though at the moment I'm sorely lacking a singularly evil enemy and really should be shopping around. Suggestions encouraged.
Cloudy said...
I was speaking of Adam Rozenbachs who I saw on the show talking about Germaine Greer and assumed that you and he were alternating in the job. And knew of each other's existance. And he looked like he'd just crawled out of a laundry hamper.
I would never judge anyone for looking like they'd just crawled out of a laundry hamper. It is my preferred way of dressing in the mornings, as should be obvious by the haphazard combinations of clothing I brave the world in. Anyway, I knew Adam Rozenbachs years ago when he had a show at Triple R but have had little to no contact with him since - we must be ships in the night at the ABC, mysterious building that it is.
Fenz said...
one of my friends was bored and scribbled on this pic, it now seems to have made its way around the interwebs... i think it's funny...
Your bored friend is very droll, Fenz. They should also be quite chuffed that a moment of lazy doodling has been so widely copied and circulated - I've received that picture in three different emails alone. I wonder if DJ Spindarella himself has had a squizz yet?
sublime-ation said...
Point 1. This is why I love Q&A, because of the 'thank god this shit doesn't just happen to ME'.
Point 2. Bags me dressed as champagne.
How exactly does one 'dress as champagne', sublime? Does it involve some kind of spritzer? I am vaguely concerned.
Anonymous said...
Why was your dog vomiting? Did you take her to the vet?
Also: I was wondering how you went about toilet training Bob Ellis?
Do you let her sleep in the bed with you?
How old is Bob Ellis?
Voila, mes questions.
1. My powers of deduction lead me to believe that Bob Ellis (canine) went to the toilet inside during the course of the evening and thought it would be cunning to try and eat the evidence. An obvious choice for most of us I'd wager, and with predictably messy results. The poor darling.
2. No, I monitored her for the rest of the day and she seemed to feel better. A Butter Menthol and a day on the couch will do you the world of good if you have an upset stomach, apparently.
3. I took her to puppy school in Scotchmer street and covered the carpets in newspaper until she was old enough to 'get it'.
4. She does sleep in the bed with me, yes. Warm as toast, I'll have you know.
5. Bob Ellis will be six years old in August.
Thank you for taking such an interest in my dog.
the frozen turnip said...
My dearest Ms Fits -
I am strangely moved by the notion that you welcome posts from those that may smell like grave robbers and am, as we speak, doing my utmost to replicate the odour of a corpse-removing individual with a penchant for bloggery. Denied as we we are the joys of interweb scratch-and-sniffery you will have to take my word for it, I stink.
I should also quickly point out that, since my initial inquiries, I have been able to confirm the photo was indeed of your positively adorable self and did only this week catch your fine work on the abba cee's "reading with dick and jane for grown-ups"
I am sure I was not alone in thinking Richard E Grant was more than a tad flirtatious no?
Anyhowness, to my irrelevant and time-wasting question(s):
1:Is it possible to arrange, perhaps through some kind of grass-roots campaign, an award for the perennially marvellous P Keating for his magnificent description of Little Johnny as a "Pre-cornucopian obscurantist" ?
It doesn't actually matter what it means does it, you just know that whatever it is it isn't going to be good? (realise this is not the most current of events but I feel it deserves an airing)
2:Is it possible that your goodly self and the Sydney-based RYWHM bloggerati could arrange to meet up in a suitably expensive and dimly-lit wine bar the next time you are here for televisual work and ply each other with extravagantly priced liqour and bar snacks and endless eloquent conversation.? What say you Ms Fits?
And I would like to suggest the following description in ref to aforementioned pee emm
strange days indeed under Johnny the Little, those barely-tamed eyebrows, that ill-controlled spittle... conjures up the perfect picture don't you think?
toodle pip
the frozen turnip
Hello, TFP. In truth I was probably encouraging one particular grave robber to send himself in my direction, but all pungent suitors are welcomed if they are polite and well-spoken. I do enjoy a certain manly tang, you know.
Anyhow.
1. An award for P.Keating and his magnificent shit-stirring? I don't see why not. He's making more song and dance than Malcolm Fraser these days, isn't he? It's as though someone's roused him from a decade-long slumber and repeatedly poked him with a cattle prod until he roared into action and started pointing out every minor thing in the political landscape that gave him the irrits.
More popcorn, anyone?
2. That may be difficult to organise, given that I'm in Sydney today and heading home tomorrow. I will, however, be back in a couple of weeks - I think around late June/early July . Bring on the extravagantly-priced liquor post-haste.
swotting said...
big friday night in, pretending to study for exams while secretly watching the footy (not so secret come to think of it - the tv is quite loud and i am sure the housemates can hear it [not the BB housemates, but the people i live with], if they're awake of course - shift workers, it's like living on mute sometimes) anyway off that digression (must remember not to get distracted by word associations like digression in a holden caulfield kind of way), and the on the ground painted logo is for a brand of big car (the seppos would call them SUVs) that's called the kluger. is it just me, or does that sound too much like kruger? which i will forever associate with south africa circa pre-20 years ago and therefore very not a good place. is it wise to name a brand of car in such a way? or is that just me? i have seen some on the road, and they were big, ugly, white, and drove around like they owned the place.
hope you have a good weekend.
Actually the first thing I thought of was Sonia Kruger - the lady with the big white teeth and filthy language who shows Daryl Somers up to be the social retard he is every time Dancing With The Stars appears on television and intellectually rapes us with its moronic razzle-dazzle. Besides which, you should be long over feeling surprised by what the bigwigs at motor companies decide to name their vehicles by now. Every time you turn around there's a new Toyota KiddieFiddler or Nissan AnalProbe, most usually behaving as monikered and ramming into children or up someone else's backside. God knows what some of these executives are smoking. I'd probably try it at least once, just for experiment's sake.
richardwatts said...
"Cursed witty and kind and sweet and gentle men. What are they playing at do you suppose?"
Our emotions, Fits. They're playing silly buggers with our emotions. And on that note, is there a particular accent that makes you weak at the knees and or tumescent/moist?
A fling early in my homosexualist experimentations seems to have programmed my brain with a predisposition for Irish accents, although I find Glaswegian and Sarf Lon'on dialects also oddly arousing. Perhaps it's just because I was exposed to too many eps of The Bill and Minder in my formative, prepubescent years?
I've not had the pleasure of holding hands with too many accented men, though the ones who have managed to get close enough to whisper sweet brogue in my ears have certainly made me duly dizzy. I'm not sure if television is to blame exactly - perhaps it's the thrill of the traveller sweeping us up with their poetry and rain-soaked eyes and promise of damp flesh and bluestone and a Life Other Than Our Own.
D said...
I lack the verbosity to post a fitting comment tonight, so i'll just say this:
Ms Fits is grouse.
I'm totally reduced to convulsions of a drooling-fanboy-esque nature.
"Cursed witty and kind and sweet and gentle men. What are they playing at do you suppose?"
My take would be that they are probably just hoping to be thrown a figurative bone, but there you are.
Hope everyone has a great fun filled weekend! Enjoy the birthday fun :)
Grouse! There's a word I haven't heard since grade 6, and presumably then it was in reference to that sweet hoverboard Michael J Fox blazed through the town square riding in Back To The Future.
Your words are very kind. I'll be sure to 'throw bones' at length in future and see where it gets me.
Big Matt Stud said...
I have to say that this blog is always educational, although not always in a good way. I hadn't heard of the Dirty Sanchez before, and when I did find out what it was it made me want to quickly slam the back button and pretend I had never read it.
The thirst for knowledge is always a good thing though, because in the course of my research I did make some other interesting discoveries. I wonder if you are familiar with any of the following:
The Rusty Trombone, aka the Dirty Bristow*
Nyotaimori or its closely related cousin Wakamezake
Tribadism or tribbing
Penetrative docking (and this one made me cross and uncross my legs very quickly)
* I am very much amused by the idea of a sexual act being named after Eric Bristow, the Crafty Cockney
Oh dear. Presumably since you suffered at the hands of the Dirty Sanchez, we all must also be dragged kicking and screaming into the hellish pit of learning.
*sighs deeply*
'Dirty Bristow
The act of tongueing a male anus whilst reaching around to wank them off.
Name after the legendary English Darts player, Eric Bristow, as the act resembles throwing a dart.'
Wait, the act resembles throwing a dart? Which bit, the anal tonguebath or the deft hand-job? Honestly, these people need to watch more Wider World Of Sports.
'Nyotai-mori "female body presentation", refers to the practice of eating sashimi or sushi off the body of a prostrate female model, typically nude, for the purpose of sexual excitement. As a result of being served on a human body, the temperature of the sushi or sashimi comes closer to body temperature, which some may see as a downside or a benefit.
Oh, I'd call limp and warm minge-flavoured sushi a definite downside. Who wants to eat eel off a buttock, anyway? Call me old-fashioned, but I'm a bit more partial to plates.
'Tribadism is a sexual practice where two women rub their external genitalia against one another for clitoral stimulation. The act is somestimes referred to as "tribbing". Colloquially it is known as "bumping fur," scissoring, or less commonly donut bumping, slapping clams or train spotting. In ancient Chinese texts it is often called polishing mirrors.'
Quite comfortable with this one, though less likely to use the term 'donut bumping' when next inviting a lesbian partner into my bedroom.
Also: 'train spotting'? Clutching at straws there, you adorable filth-merchants.
'Penetrative docking is a variation of a standard homosexual practice in which two men masturbate their penises with the foreskin of one penis over the glans of the other. Instead of simply masturbating using the foreskins; through a long and sometimes painful process one partner, the nominated dock, enlarges his urethra and urethral sphincter to accommodate the penis of the other partner, the docker.'
AVERT YOUR EYES, CHILDREN OF RYWHM.
Dear god. Surely that can't be healthy.
Still, beats sitting through another tedious repeat of Everybody Loves Raymond I guess.
MordWa said...
At the risk of incurring your ire again, FitsWa, the adage "it's the exception that proves the rule" is in fact correct. You just have to use the term 'prove' with its original meaning - to test, or give trial by fact...
.."the exception tests the rule."
This community service announcement was brought to you by the letter 'G', the number '8', and Bill Bryson's book "Mother Tongue"
I accept what you're saying MordWa, but I stand by my irritation. Besides which, I am ably supported by the equally pedantic Ben:
Ben said...
MordWa's right about exception proves the rule, but that misses the point: nobody DOES use it in that sense. So in common modern usage, it's a stupid phrase.
Yeah, MordWa. You tell Bill Bryson nyer-nyer from me*.
*say it in a nice way though, because he seems an awfully lovely man who was charm personified when I wrote him a fan letter ten years ago.
Anonymous said...
Can you hurry up and bring PoliChicks back for the election? I'm jonesing to buy my lefty lady gear, and my enthusiasm for "Heaven/Kevin" wristbands and "Don't Rein on My Parade" racer-back singlet tops or something will surely only last another month or so. I like to get a good 5 months' wear out of my topical outfits. So get to it!
How did you know, Anon? We are currently working on at least five new products to launch in about a month's time, and will be throwing yet another of our election bashes when Our Fearless Leader decides to set a magical date. Hopefully the website will be dusted off in the next couple of weeks, so keep checking in - your wish = our command, etc.
Anonymous said...
I have been involved in a 'to and fro' interstate romance for over a year now.
He asked me to visit about a month ago. He seemed frantic to see me, and I excitably assumed that I had finally bagged him. He offered to pay half my fare. I refused.
I have since discovered that he was dating other bird life. When I asked him, if he thought it was fair that he kept this from me, he declared (like any mature thirty something would) that "the distance meant we were not boyfriend and girlfriend".
Anyway, my question is this:
Can I ask him to donate half my airfare to Amnesty International?
I would like someone to benefit from my prostitution (or rather my 'pay to be a prostitute'). Is this bitter?
'I excitably assumed that I had finally bagged him'. I absolutely love that. May I borrow it for when I next presume I've landed the affections of some worthy highbrow suitor?
Anyway, I'm sorry things with your interstate dish soured so decisively. In my experience it's far better to lay down the ground rules for an open-plan love affair relatively early in order to avoid the awkward 'Oh, but I thought we were engaged to be wed and here you are gallivanting about town with a half-dressed hussy named Lola Goodtimes'-type conversations that can occur when one beleaguered party has perhaps invested a little too much from their position 1200 kms away. I'm not sure distance instantly denotes casual relations - some wildly inventive folk manage to carry on monogamous affairs with the help of Frequent Flyer points and lascivious Skype conversations, the breathless optimists - but if your playboy is hell-bent on fraternising with others and using state lines as an excuse there's really not much you can do. Clearly you're not attached in any way to the idea of a freewheeling modern relationship (the 'prostitute' business alerted me there), though suggesting you were being flown up purely for steamy bang-sessions is hardly fair on your ex-feller. Perhaps he was dead keen on you but not ready to make the move between cities? Either way, I suggest you let things drop. Forcing someone to donate to a charity solely because you're a bit ticked off at their insensitive manner is a dangerous precedent to set - if we all follow suit I've got a handful of exes who'll soon be seen as UN ambassadors given the level of their startling generosity.
Easily Confused said...
Ms Fits,
I am SO jealous that you got to sit next to the divine Mr Grant, isn't he just the dishiest of the dishy?
At a pal's house with laptop as like many other NSWers we've had no electricity since Friday, wild and windy weather and power lines laying about on the roads. It's not so bad, me and partner have been reading at home by candlelight and eating cold baked beans and peanut butter sandwiches. This morning kindly pal who still has electricity on provided hot showers, coffee and breakfast.
My question: have you read any William Gibson? I love him to bits and pieces and am hoping you're not a "all sci-fi is crap" person, but if you are I'll still admire you from afar. You must read his exquistite poem 'Agrippa'
xx
Hello, EC.
1. Richard E Grant is very dishy, yes. Though I don't know whether he's the dishiest of dishy. Have you copped a load of the men from The Basics recently? They certainly possess a rakish charm or twelve.
2. I haven't read William Gibson yet, and am very open-minded when it comes to sci-fi literature. Can you suggest a worthy starting point?
p.s. Your storm-lashed picnic sounds unbearably sweet, in spite of the inconvenience. I hope you're keeping each other pornographically warm and out of the rain.
legs11 said...
Perhaps my using a nom de comment kept my question lost last week, so I'll try again:
A skinny bitch with a face like a foetus pashed my bloke, and then rubbed my face in it with snide MySpaz remarks. I have worked things out with him - happily, thanks - but how do I deal with the thoughts of following her to her blue-light-disco-with-booze hang out and "painting" the concrete steps or a toilet bowl '(More Than) A Hint Of Slut's Face'?
Dear me. What on earth does 'a face like a foetus' look like? Was she covered in some kind of amniotic fluid and possessed of blinky eyes?
Anyhow, I'm glad you've worked things out with your feller. I think the best kind of relationships can easily process mindless party kisses and press on with more important matters like IN WHICH EXCITING VENUE ARE WE TAKING DINNER TONIGHT ETC, so you're obviously in good shape there. As for this skanky irritant - why must people insist on broadcasting their part in an infidelic tryst to all who will listen? There's nothing worse than breathing through a partner's careless mistake only to find poor attempts at poetry posted on some temptress' Live Journal three weeks later. I agree that it tends to keep the wound slightly raw and while it may be alluring to go and bust this missy's disrespectful face in, it would only make a far greater deal out of something essentially quite small. The best advice I can give is to tear yourself away from the computer and avoid reading any of her 'work'. Focus on your love and the fact that you made it through another of life's bumpy hitch-hikes with only a couple of scratches. It helps, I promise.
Cloudy said...
Someone mentioned Polichicks. Are any plans in the works for an election night party this time?
Are the opening lines of Dan Kelly's Drunk on Election Night a reference to your '04 shindig?
I sometimes tell people that "election night is my Brownlow Medal count" only to be met with regret-inducing bewilderment or sniggers. Do you appreciate the drama of a good poll coverage or would you rather watch beefy bogans sit around in tuxedoes while someone says one, two and three a lot?
Finally: Did you take in any of this year's St Kilda Film Festival?
1. As mentioned earlier, yes. Still trying to figure out a venue/method of generating a mass suicide should fate decide to mock us.
2. I can't remember if lovely Dan was at our party or not - the evening was a bit of a blur. We tend to see the political landscape through very similar eyes and have had many impassioned conversations over bottles of red wine, so Drunk On Election Night is one of my favourite Alpha Males songs and I would like it even if he wasn't such a doe-eyed spunk.
3. I didn't, no. I am a fucking mess when it comes to film festivals. I hope I can get it together for MIFF 2007 instead of just staring dolefully at the timetable and failing to go to anything like I do every other year.
Anonymous said...
Ms Fits,
My friend recently spotted you at the Hollywood Hotel drinking with a certain ABC celebrity. Was it a hot romantic date, or does everyone at the ABC just hang out with each other all the time?
Actually, that 'certain ABC celebrity' and I were married in a private Buddhist ceremony on a beach in Vietnam over a month ago. We just haven't been able to go public about it since we're both contracted to appear as devilishly available Clooney-esque make-out artists to the wider community, and might I say we're doing a commendable job both separately and as a team.
Keep it to yourself obviously; the last thing we need is paparazzo making our life hell.
skips said...
In response to Djali's winter solstice dress code dilemma;
I, every year, hold a celebration at this time, but dress code is strictly enforced. As it marks the shortest day of the year the obvious choice of costume is-shorts.
You bastard, skips. Fancy forcing all your friends and loved ones to get about in okanuis while such biting winds blow? I hope you provide a nice fondue.
Djali said...
Hey Skip, you don't happen to be from Eltham do you? Of the old Skipper family? Winter Solstice parties seem to be all the rage around these traps.
Anyway, a solstice party update:
We've been given a theme - Music.
I know it's not very pagan of me but I'm thinking Patti Smith because I sort of have the hair for it. My friend whose mum is throwing this wild bash is going as Labrynth David Bowie in powder-blue tights because she loves him like that. I'm not sure how the more mature women and regular attendees will take to our approach on the theme but it should provide for interesting post party blog material.
*Watch out for thrilling Winter Solstice Party review coming soon!!!*
...
Oh, it just occurred to me that this might not fit into the category of a Friday question. My apologies Ms Fits.
Quite alright. You solstice attendees must be well-versed in your satanic rituals pre-party, lest social death loom.
richwell said...
Fitzy, did you see the shocking ms. silverman in 'The Aristocrats'
I didn't, though I'm dying to - despite the fact the whole concept of that film bewilders me. It's one joke told eight hundred ways, isn't it? Odd.
Anonymous said...
Don't worry about Tracy's possible funbag augmentation...the first time I spied her hosting ACA at Fed. Square I'm fairly certain I saw her lips flapping in the breeze. She looked like make up had stuck a couple of zeppelins on her face. Instantly she was transformed into just another zero cred journo.
Question....at what stage do women start thinking of such self abuse? Who is this done for generally? Does it improve self esteem or is it just plain vanity?
My advice...tell the carpet strolling executives and clipboard carrying producers to fuck off.
I really have no idea, Anon. Obviously I've got girlfriends who peer miserably in the mirror and point out exotic-looking wrinkles and handfuls of grey hair, but they seem years off taking surgical measures to deal with their woes. I can't imagine paying thousands of dollars to have a nice doctor pull your face back so tightly you look like the hovering eyeballs out of Mulligrubs would do much for anyone's self-esteem, but then I'm yet to reach the age where I'm overly concerned by Father Time and shouldn't judge others their insecurities. My mum hasn't had any work done and she has one of the most beautiful faces I've ever had the pleasure of gazing upon. Tracy Grimshaw should take note.
Anonymous said...
hey fits,
whatever has become of Clem? She hasne blogged on The Age for, well, an age, and she's even stopped doing her singles reviews... has she made good on her threat to go sit in a hut?
I do hope it's that and that she's having a lovely time, she's seemed to be rather down of late. Hugs to her from me.
Ms Bastow is taking some early retirement hours and will no doubt be utilising her time away from computers to take up Yogalates and swing dancing. I will be sure to pass on your warm embracings at her birthday bash in a couple of weeks' time.
fixter said...
Dear Fits,
Saw that utterly adorable photo of your good self with young Master Pekin in The Age. Seven shades of cute!! He clearly had blogging ambitions (or suchlike) he was writing for the aforementioned august publication a year or so back. Did you read any of his entertaining columns in the sports section and why did he not think to post that picture of his number one fan (and soon to be newspaper stablemate)? Keep up your sparkling work which brings light to our online lives.
I have read many of Tim's columns, as well as his lovely poetry. He's planning to write a book of short stories soon, too. I'm not sure why he hadn't thought of posting that incredibly awkward photograph of the two of us looking like socially gauche wallflowers - perhaps he was considering retaining his dignity.
Otter said...
Hey Fits,
A friend of mine spotted you having a coffee with a certain football journo and there seemed to be a bit of chemistry in the air! How long has this been going on? Is that why you are writing so many football related pieces? I can recall 3 in the last couple of weeks.
And to answer your question from a couple of weeks ago, yes I have recovered from my induced coma. The only lasting legacy of the accident is that one of my legs is about an inch shorter than the other so I have to wear an insert in one of my shoes. Kind of like Tom Cruise but without the crazy.
Warmest
Otter
Wtf is up with you people and all the spying on my dates? I've copped my last illicit groping underneath a restaurant table, clearly.
To be perfectly honest with you, I have been racking my brain trying to recall who exactly you're referring to and can't figure it out for the life of me. Which football journo? Where? You'd think I might remember given there was so much 'chemistry' between us but I'm a busy lady and clearly my schedule doesn't permit lingering sentimentality. Are you sure your friend wasn't thinking of Stephanie Mcintosh? We're often mistaken for each other.
Anonymous said...
Ms Fits!
Your blog and Frankie bits are a delight. [My inapproriate crushes include Artemis Fowl(fictional, 11 years old in the first book) and Larry Emdur] As soon as I get to Melbourne I will be sure to pick up The Age, too.
My question/dilemma is:
My parents are the smothering/ridiculously overprotective type, and firmly oppose anything resembling teenage frivolity. My mother in particular is deeply suspicious of any relationships (all of which have been totally plantonic) with males, to the point where she has called up parents to ensure we sleep in seperate rooms when I stay over with any of them so I won't be forcefully deflowered. The old "It's not you we distrust, it's everyone else" adage is trotted out whenever I propose venturing outside a 30km radius of the house with or without comrades, after 6pm. After spending the last few years of my teenagery more or less resigned to their domineering, I've had quite enough. For the few remaining months of my seventeenth year, is it worth the (semi-futile) conflict, or should I just wait it out and come home naked with needles stuck in my arms and a cocaine moustache the morning after my 18th, just for kicks? What, if anything, can be said/done to convince them to loosen the shackles?
P.S. I love your dresses on Book Club.
x
Seventeen, Anon? Good gravy. I certainly had over-protective parents for a while too, but when they realised they couldn't keep a leash on a my pubescent rabies they sent me out into the world to fend for myself. I was living in a share house at age sixteen and up to all kinds of no good, though sorted myself out relatively quickly and by the age of nineteen was a halfway normal person, a state which I have maintained with varying success since. I pushed my poor folks to breaking point with the whole 'sneaking out of windows to see older boyfriends named Buzz' thing and can recall more than one physical tussle with my exhausted mother - a tactic I wouldn't recommend if you don't want to spend the rest of your life apologising for being a precocious and pushy little bastard (trust me on this one).
I guess if you're prepared for the conflict, then your folks may have to get used to you setting some new boundaries. You sound like you're relatively sensible of your own accord (what with all these chastely platonic male friends) and if bracing mum and dad for the real world involves the odd defiant THAT'S IT I'M OFF FOR THE EVENING, then so be it. Take it slow, keep explaining to them that you're almost an adult and will be making some decisions for yourself from now on and if they don't like it they can just send you to Boot Camp like all the parents of tearaways on Maury Povich.
p.s. 'Cocaine moustache'? You are marvellous.
Anonymous said...
I was hoping to go to the Bowerbirds' EP launch on Friday night, only to find that Fibbers has lost its licence and was closed that night. Word on the street is that neighbours had been regularly complaining about noise ...
I think we should set up a community organisation called "SSNAG" (or Smith Street Noise Advocacy Group). Obvious candidates for the role of SNAG President are the people who own Blue Tiles, the security guard at Safeway, the shouty man with the two dogs, the "creative insulter" young woman and the odd "client" of DHS.
Would you be interested in joining?
1. The lovely Bowerbirds still had their launch on Friday - it was just shifted to the Cobra Bar. Squeezy and full of handsomeness it was, too.
2. I'm all for SSNAG membership, not least because I love shouting. Where do I sign?
Djali said...
Friday Question:
Is that how you spell Labrynth?...Labrinth...Laberynth..Labirynth...lab...
What's wrong with me, I feel so ashamed, does this ever happen to you?
It's 'Labyrinth'. And please don't be ashamed, that kind of shit happens to me all the time. If I could carry 'spelling.com' and 'thesaurus.com' around with me in some kind of yet-to-be-invented space-age cerebral backpack I would.
Anonymous said...
Hi,
I stumbled on your blog maybe 18 months ago when somebody left it open at work, some clever pisstake of Dubya from memory, and ever since I've been checking in from time to time in search of a laugh/while wasting time when I should be working, but I've never posted a question. It's because of a fairly unremarkable coincidence that I'm doing it now. Like everyone I eventually discovered your identity beyond blogging as you got semi-famous.
In February I started a new job as a sub-editor at the Age, and last week I subbed your piece for A2 about Tim Pekin. Subbing is weird, because 1) I'm more used to writing my own stuff, and 2) I'm constantly playing around with and changing other people's words without any personal correspondence with them. So how did you rate the experience of being subbed by me? Did you love/hate my headline and precede, etc? And how do you feel about having your work subbed in general? Just curious, it's such an impersonal collaboration between writer and sub-editor, this whole newspaper-making thing.
Oh, this is a nice state of affairs. I've only ever met one other sub-editor of mine and it was in the front bar of the Napier where from memory we drank too much wine and started poking at each other in the shoulder in order to make various conversational points, which passed the time in any case.
I always feel slightly sorry for whoever has to sub my mawkishly sentimental ramblings or Thursday puff pieces as I tend to throw most grammar rules out the window and just tap away at embarrassingly long sentences that make people reading require a packed lunch and a thermos of tea simply to get through unscathed JUST LIKE THIS ONE YOU SEE. For the most part I look forward to seeing exactly what kind of interesting heading someone wiser than me will have whacked on to a column (the most wildly inventive being the GG's 'D'oh! Family Guy Is My Fancy Lady', which to this day still puzzles me) and from memory I loved what you wrote about Tim and I and feel it captured the word-mood perfectly. I thank you, and hope to repay you one day with a large drink and accompanying poke in the shoulder.
Ben said...
I took longer than usual to read your answers this week: I was busy making you a cake on the off-chance you'd put on a concert for me, and writing a new song called "All My MySpace Friends Are Porn Stars".
I fucking hate Fifi Box. And Tracy Grimshaw.
Oh, and know what else pisses me off? People who can't distinguish between ordinary abbreviations and acronyms.
I used to work as a scriptwriter for a corporate training video company, and some of their old old videos were presented by the Brand Power lady. She looked exactly the same 20 years ago as she does now.
(I didn't write scripts for those ones: I would have been 8 20 years ago, and as far as I could tell, the 1980s videos were written by people far younger than that)
I'm a bit scared of Sarah Silverman. I have a vision of one day meeting her and saying, "I'm a comedian too!" and she would look at me with undisguised loathing and say, "Yeah, good. Now fuck off."
I just came across the most pun-intensive one-word description for a product ever devised: "Funbelievabubble". Gorgeous, isn't it?
Who do you prefer, Sid James or Kenneth Williams? In an artistic slash comedic sense, I mean. Although feel free to ranik their sexual allures if the mood strikes you.
I am so happy that you hate Robyn Riley and Lillian Frank. "I'm looking forward to the evening so much, Lil" oh fuck off. I am, yes, happy about this. Are you happy?
I have Hi-5 songs stuck in my head. It's terrible. Have you ever noticed a subtle yet powerful undercurrent of raw sexuality pulsing throughout their whole act? Particularly Kathleen.
Always nice chatting with you, Ben. Let's address these one at a time (the best way, I feel. All at once can be unbelievably tiresome):
1. 'Funbelieveabubble' is gorgeous, yes. But I fear you've been beaten to the punch:
'Hubba Bubba Max replaces Mix ‘n’ Match Strawberry & Vanilla and the limited edition Hubba Bubba Colours. The launch will be supported with POS materials for retailers and an extensive media support package, including a ‘funbelieveabubble’ new TV commercial to drive interest and trial in the new product.'
Those fucking Hubba Bubba bastards. WILL THEY STOP AT NOTHING.
2. I think I'm more a Kenneth Williams fan, mostly for his connection to playwright Joe Orton (I obsessed over the Orton Diaries as a 'confused' teenager) and terribly tortured existence - which always makes for good reading when the biogs are churned out.
p.s. What's John Inman, chopped liver?
3. Very happy. I actually play a private game every Saturday morning when Lil's column is released to see how many times she can pretend she's had a conversation with someone famous and they've referred to her by name. You always know you're going to have a good weekend when you find at least two 'Lillian''s and a 'Lil' in there somewhere.
4. Indeed I have. The last time I watched Hi-5 was at four o'clock in the morning with a lovely man who had never seen it before. He was duly aroused. So there you go.
Suave The Cat said...
Hi Rizzo(as per your request in last wek's Q and A),
A couple of brief questions:
1 - Just wondering if you have ever come across a funnier Christopher Walken impression? (and if this old news to the more hipper internet types, sue me if you've seen this already).
2 – Some time ago, you mentioned that you had been invited to an AFL game. My question is: did you take up the invite and if so, your thoughts on “the great game”?
Suave.
1. I haven't actually come across that many Christopher Walken impressions generally. Perhaps I move in the wrong circles. So no is the answer to your question.
2. Oh, I've been to a few AFL games over the past few years. I love the game itself and the rituals that go hand-in-hand with a day out at the football (squeezy train trips, hot pies, swearing in public) - it's just hard to get overly excited when you only know the nicknames of two players in the team and you don't want to sound like a ninny shouting for Number 7 To Kick It.
I like going to see country football. I like parking my van up against the boundary and beeping the horn madly at odd intervals. It makes me feel good. Stop judging me.
waldorf said...
Robyn Riley, now there's a face like a bulldog chewing wasps. I'd like to see Legs11 paint the bowl red with her cracked head after another boyfriend pash attack (sorry L11, but I think you're the only one here strong enough to take her down; the simple-minded ((eg Riley)) are surprisingly strong).
My Q is a writerly one:
What sort of time management do you do to get your ever-expanding list of jobs done?
I am awful at time management, waldorf. Fucking heinous. I spend half my day drafting flirtatious emails to boys and listening dreamily to music on myspace, and the other half roaming the streets in a daze. Somehow it all gets done - I guess because the moments when I do finally concentrate, I commit like a motherfucker and throw myself at the computer with gusto. If it helps, I guess I do sit at my laptop for most of the day and try not to put on the television or allow wine-carrying visitors during 'work hours' - though as ever, these hours are flexible and if a particularly nice friend decides to take me to the movies at two o'clock on a Thursday then who am I to stop them?
Anonymous said...
Happy Friday gorgeous Fitster,
Firstly, while I have no opinion one way or the other on Catherine, I have to say - private schools are EVIL.
It's scary how many people are just dying to send their little darlings off to some horrendously expensive venue to have them emotionally scarred and their little minds filled with the rankest of crypto-fascist, neo-conservative filth.
Believe me, I know - my beloved spent his delicate formative years in one of those institutions, where his parents paid five figure sums per year to have him told things like "the Holocaust couldn't possibly have happened because everyone KNOWS you can't make soap out of human fat!" by his science teachers, and stuffed into a cricket bag and hung out of a second floor window by older boys. =p
Anyway, my question is more personal in nature.
I have a friend, who is a delightful, if occasionally eccentric individual. She's sweet natured, funny, generous, loving, non-judgemental...basically all the things you want in a bestie.
(The eccentricities are not what I worry about, tho. I'm not exactly 'normal' myself, and I'd rather hang out with people who don't feel the need to adhere to convention anyway. =)
What I'm worried about is her looks.
I know that sounds terrible but it's really not.
What troubles me is that she's got an unfortunate orthodontic problem that pretty much prevents any man looking at her twice.
To have it fixed, she'd have to have major surgery, which she's a little afraid of, so she's been putting it off for almost 10 years now.
Personally, I couldn't care less what she looks like - she's the sister of my heart, and I adore her.
But she was recently crushed by a guy who blew her off, and that hurts me, since I know it was because of the way she looks, and I can't tell her that, because she's already had her self-esteem shredded by this jerk.
I, and all of our little group, have trotted out the trusty lines like "you were too good for him anyway" (she was) and "you'll find a better guy, you just have to put yourself out there."
But it's starting to ring a little hollow.
We're all old enough to have realised the harsh truth that while a man may end up loving you because you're a fabulous, charming individual, he's initially interested in you because of the way you look. (It's evolutionary biology - not their fault.)
And the way she looks now, no decent guy is going to be interested in her, and I'll be damned if I let her settle for less.
I feel terrible because like most of our friends, I'm happily ensconced in couple dom, and I know she's lonely and feels left out.
It's frustrating because I know that she's hurting, and I know how to fix it, but I can't make her do it, and I don't know how to make her see that she needs to get the work done, if only to give her self-esteem a boost, without making her feel ugly or that she's not a wonderful person the way she is.
I went to a private school myself for a few years (no, really? Fits, you shock us with your candour etc) and concur that they are breeding grounds for cuntiness and I was lucky to escape with my dignity relatively intact. To this day I am glad I was able to sample 'both' types of education as it means I can stun dinner parties into silence by passing off pompous grass-roots opinions and making people think I'm clever/experienced in the ways of the world. Obviously it also gives me the authority to address your pressing social conundrum which I will start doing by asking WHAT THE DEVIL KIND OF ORTHODONTIC ISSUE ARE WE REFERRING TO HERE.
Is she missing a front tooth? Does she have a diastema* so wide you can stick three fingers in it and have room to move? Can she silence a room full of onlookers with a shy smile? I NEED DETAILS.
Anyway, I'm struggling to really get a grip on your query. For one thing, it makes me now question exactly what my friends mean when they say 'he sounds like a total jerk anyway'. Imagine not realising that everyone you know feels sorry for you because you're so odd-looking you can't keep a feller's attention without slipping him a mickey finn. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I'd prefer to live in ignorance for the rest of my lonely life rather than face an intervention of kindly friends with concerned frowns sitting me down and telling me that if I want to get laid I'd better address that unsightly birthmark asap and by the way they've passed the hat around to help pay for the surgery.
You say you're crazy about the 'sister of your heart' because she's perfect in every other way, and presumably some catch of a chap will see all those things one day and offer himself up as her sweetheart. In the interim, focus less on her dental eccentricities and more on being a worthy friend. These things have a habit of working themselves out eventually.
*My Gabi is an obsessive fan of these if you're buying.
Marmalade said...
Dear Gruppen-Fitser,
I understand your spine-creasing love for A Confederacy Of Dunces, but can you elucidate the rest of us as to what particularly girds your loins for John Kennedy Toole? My best friend also worships the book, and I feel like I'm missing out, even when I read all of Ignatius' dialogue to myself in Comic Book Guy's voice.
It just didn't shake my tree like Steinbeck or Greene. Help?
Also to Easily Confused, does anything authored by William Gibson stand up to Neuromancer? Pattern Recognition was pants and has put me off him a bit.
Cheers.
ps was the footbal journo Otter's mate saw you playing table footsie with the Hun's Mark Robinson ? You sly dog/ he's a keeper/ he'll look after you real nice etc.
My dad's not much of a fan of A Confederacy Of Dunces either, and I still think he's pretty marvellous. It's hard really to pinpoint what it is that stirs so decisively about John Kennedy Toole's masterpiece - only that to me, discovering it was like reading Catch-22 for the first time...that moment when you alight upon a novel and it's stylistically unlike anything you've ever read before and you find yourself looking up from each page with wild eyes and a certain disbelief that the world is still able to carry on around you when such literature exists. I get drunk from Toole's deft use of language, and the pompously insane dialogue which the characters use to address each other. The prose makes my fingers tight and my liver twisted. Every time I open up the front cover I want to weep with pleasure and send thanks to the weighty gods of words for sending such a novel my way.
Still. Each to their own I guess.
p.s. re: Gibson:
Easily Confused said...
Hello Marmalade,
"Also to Easily Confused, does anything authored by William Gibson stand up to Neuromancer? Pattern Recognition was pants and has put me off him a bit."
Well I dunno about pants but Pattern Recognition isn't a fave, though I enjoyed it very much.
My favourite from the two series Gibson has written: The Sprawl series- Neuromancer, Count Zero, Mona Lisa Overdrive and the Bridge Trilogy- Virtual Light, Idoru, All Tomorrow's Parties....would have to be All Tomorrow's Parties. I love Neuromancer, but ATP is just brilliant.
I also have a soft spot for Count Zero for introducing me to the fabulous work of Joseph Cornell:
http://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/cornell/
/RYWHM Book Meet.
Anonymous said...
fitsalicious,
you may be interested in david chase's first post sopranos interview....
any thoughts on the finale?
I had a long conversation with someone over coffee the other morning about the ambiguous Sopranos ending, and we both agreed it was a perfect way to end something that people would have been jacked off about no matter which way you played it. I'm a big fan of the ol' 'cut abruptly to black' technique and love that a television show can be switched off and subsequently discussed and argued over for hours. Mr. Chase, RYWHM salutes you.
jctrue said...
dear lovely mh
thank you so much for being so generous to me in answering my questions.
i would love to know what you fallback cook at home meal is? my friend and i cook often and find that a hearty risotto often involving mushrooms is ours. by the way do you cook? i hear you often refer to a lovely meal out reading a book but do you ever do the meal in?
also. on the last episode of ftbc my friend and i noticed how much you talked with passion about both books. is it our imagination that the show is heavily edited so we may miss out on your lovely musings during other shows?
i missed the first tuesday porno book club on chasers war on everything. is there any chance of it being shown again?
have a lovely weekend.
Hello jctrue.
i) I'm afraid I don't often cook in my wee little bachelor pad as I tend to use the evenings to break the day's silence and venture out into the wider world for sustenance and companionship. If pressed I'll most likely bake some salmon or do an 'all-in' paella - the usual palaver.
ii) The book show is of course edited - we shoot about 45 minutes worth of banter and it's cut down to suit. If you haven't heard me waxing lyrical about many novels in the past it's probably because I haven't been as excited about other books like I was about Vonnegut and Amis. If they let me bring Confederacy or Ask The Dust or Bliss on some time in the near future I may keel over facefirst into Jennifer's lap.
iii) From memory the Chaser is repeated during the week at various times - you'll have to check their website.
BEVIS said...
Okay, enough rot from all these other people - let's get back to what the public really wants: Me.
Is it alright with you that I neglected to respond to your wonderfully sculptured replies last week to my questions from the week before? Have I lost you there? Well, allow me to reply to them now, albeit a week late ...
"1. It's not too early to return to the madness. I think you timed it perfectly, just quietly."
Lovely. And maybe this 'once every two weeks' for full-on questions would be the way to go, leaving me to make the occasional comment only in the alternate weeks. Or am I spending too much time thinking about this, do you think?
"2. I shall be making the leap into pornographic websites some time in the next five years, when the important bits 'head south'. I wouldn't save my money if I were you; it's not going to be worth it in any way whatsoever."
Oh, you! Nobody believes that for a moment. But I'll leave the subject alone now.
"3. I didn't realise that, no. And yes, it does make you a very good friend with an abnormally sharp memory."
*blushes*
"6. Do you work for a private health insurance agent, Bevis? I am starting to detect what's known in the business as a 'hard sell'."
No, I'm just a bit bewildered by how many blue and green umbrellas they used for the ads, and how much money was wasted printing big white letters on them that said things like: "40% covered" and "25% excess" and "Believes the sky will fall on her head".
"7. I can hardly make our your last jumble of questions but it would appear you're asking me to walk around town holding a barren womb over my head which I must say is somewhat graphic and borderlining on poor taste."
That's just my charm.
Hi Bevis.
*waves*
BEVIS said...
And now for some new questions:
I saw Cotton's AAMI commercial on TV this week. How long ago did he film it? Did he enjoy working with the little red-headed girl? Was she unbearable? What's it like to be driving in an ad? Is there extra pressure on you that other people are scrutinising your driving style? (Or wasn't he really driving the car? No wait, don't tell me - that'll spoil the magic.
Okay, tell me.) Is it okay that these questions are all for Cotton, rather than yourself? You seem to be spotted in pubs and breakfast joints with him on a regular occasion, that's all, so I figure you can ask him these questions for me.
I NEEDS TO KNOW.
How are your parents? Are they well? Please tell them I said hi, even though they've never met me. Say it casually, like they should know who I am, and see if they pretend to know who you're talking about. If they don't tell you to say hi to me, I shall be very offended (but please don't bias the results by spoiling our little experiment).
Can I have a lollipop now?
I am very kind to you, Bevis. I actually called Cotton up and INTERRUPTED HIS HOLIDAY in order to get answers to your hard-hitting questions.
It's a wonder there's anything left of me, I give so much of myself.
So here you go, as told to me by the gentleman himself:
How long ago did he film it? - 'What was it, 3 weeks ago? Yeah, three weeks.'
Did he enjoy working with the little red-headed girl? - 'Nwoooarrrh*...look, she was pretty precocious. She asked me when I did my first professional acting gig, and I told her it was when I was about 15/16. She went on to tell me that she got her first gig at the age of three - with a sense of satisfaction.'
Was she unbearable? - 'Unbearable's too harsh for me.'
What's it like to be driving in an ad? - 'Scary, as I don't have a licence.'
Is there extra pressure on you that other people are scrutinising your driving style?- 'Driving style? I didn't know there was a driving style.'
You know you can always go visit his blog and ask him directly? Just saying.
As for your other questions:
My parents are exceptionally well, and send their love. Obviously they have no idea who you are but they are very polite souls at heart. Where do you think I get my nice manners? Now sit down and suck it**.
* Ed's note - this sound denotes what is known in conversational circles as 'out-loud non-committal thinking time'.
** The lollipop of course ROFLMAO.
Big Matt Stud said...
jctrue, YouTube is your friend here. You can see the First Tuesday Porno Club here
Ms Fits, when you first watched Withnail and I, did you ever imagine that Richard E. Grant would ask you if you liked a shaved minge ?
I think I've asked you this question before, but was this one of those points where you stop and think "How did I get here ?"
I'm fairly certain that as a teenage devotee of Withnail and I the first thought that crossed my mind upon completing viewing wasn't 'can't wait for another fifteen years when that man speaks filth to me on television'. Funnily enough, I was possibly more inclined to tug at the sleeves of the fate-gods in utter bewilderment when 'in make-up' with Germaine Greer. You try having your nose powdered at the same time as that intellectual heavyweight. Good lord.
Laura said...
what's happened to Your Wedding Night?
Sadly Your Wedding Night are no more, as Kellie has disappeared overseas to make tonka toy music with Acupuncture in Carnegie and can't commit to regular rehearsals. Fear not, though - Gen has teamed up with Triple R's own Glenny G and foxy Gooshy (of Vandas and the ever-handsome Gentlemen of Fortune fame) and will no doubt be busting out some bitching riffs for us in the near future.
Anonymous said...
ooh la la!
The picture at number two is my favorite, et vu?
http://www.20minutes.fr/diaporama/105-1-0-Cyclonudistes.php
ah, nude protesting. its just so darn wholesome, and well, odd and enjoyable.
Have you ever protested in the nude? What was/would be the suitable occasion for such display in your opinion?
mydogmo
I can't say I've ever stripped off in the name of protest, though I'd give my right arm to be known professionally as a 'cyclonudiste'. I do, however, worry terribly about the state of these men's genitals:
Look at the fellow on the far right! He's going to do himself an injury.
I'm not averse to public nudity, and would most likely get my gear off for most good causes if I was asked nicely and perhaps given a sticky bun at day's end. For the past seven years I have been participating in the Best of the Brat Stripathon, which involves myself and my radio co-hosts taking off an article of clothing for every subscriber while scores of drunken friends and hangers-on peer through the glass and take photographs of us. It makes for hideous radio, as you might imagine.
I'm not Craig said...
My photocopier keeps saying "Toner Low".
Do you think this would be a good name for a Tone Loc tribute band?
If not, what should I call this group?
I think it's an excellent name for a Tone Loc tribute band, though I fear for the length of the set list. Once you got through Funky Cold Medina and Wild Thing, you'd be hard pressed to keep the crowd's attention. You might want to consider combining genres/artists - Tony Toni Tone Loc, or Tone Locomotion - the world's only Tone Loc/Kylie Minogue crossover covers band.
The Other Ben said...
Hiya Ms Fits,
I'm hoping this makes this week's cut.
I've never met you or seen any adult photos of you, but at around 10pm Saturday the 9th, this hottie walks into Palookaville, Brunswick Street, and I just had this feeling it was you. Was it?
Aforementioned hottie gave me one look (I was seated quite near the gallery door), dropped her head with a small, shy smile, and walked upstairs to what I thought was the gallery. I wandered upstairs a while later (I only wanted to say 'Hi' and offer to buy you -- or so I thought -- a drink) but this person had disappeared. There were no trap doors in sight; I checked. I've been scratching my dome ever since. If that was you would you mind putting me out of my misery? Also, in case I happen to stumble across you at some joint in my beloved Fitzroy, would you be offended if a total stranger (and a real fan, I might add) came over, stuttered "Hello" and offered to get you the poison of your choice?
As an aside, how're you bearing up what with the revved up vitriol from some posters of late?
I was certainly at Palookaville last Saturday night if that's what you're asking, though I can't necessarily lay claim to being a 'hottie' as there appeared to be an overabundance of teenage girls in scanties milling about (one of them had festively accessorised using her own vomit, interestingly). The toilets are also upstairs - from memory I was in there for all of three minutes before heading back downstairs and staring at Gotye for longer than was healthy. Thus the evening progressed.
Please do say hello next time, and yes - I respond very warmly to free poison. At your service, etc.
The
Comments
Oi, Fitzerella! Ignore whomever said that Gibson's Pattern Recognition was sub-par. It's one of the best things ever written.
You funny! I love you long time. You like?
Question:
Is Mikeed really just you writing about yourself?
If it's not you, how come this person knows so much about you?
Hello,
I had a big lunch, then ate way too much icecream. I now feel a little crook. I have tried drinking a cup of tea and having a cigarette, which are usually pretty good for the digestion. As a lover of food, do you have any cures for the ill effects of having made a guts of yourself (as you are a lady, you may not over indulge like that. Pardon me if so).
Thanks,
Hello Ms Fits,
A worthy start on Mr Gibson would be Virtual Light, though another member of the unofficial RYWHM book group may have a better suggestion.
I'm a total sci-fi nerd so can't be relied on to be objective about some authors, tv shows or films. Basically your hysterical JOSS WHEDON CAN DO NO WRONG type loon. I'm the person people text when they're at trivia nights and need to know Captain Kirk's middle name.
My question, I think it been asked before, anyway...how do you cope with the nastier comments? I'm quite fascinated with how strong you seem in the face of vitriol which would have me sobbing and rocking back and forth in a corner. I am ridiculously thin skinned though which probably explains why I spend so much time off in the Delta quadrant with Captain Janeway or drooling over Starbuck in the new Battlestar Galactica.
Pfft.
Tiberius. And i'm not a trekkie or a whedon-phile - that's Trivia 101, that is...
I'm not sure if anyone has seen this - Scantily clad fan voices her love for Barack - but as a quick precis, it's about a girl in the US who has made a video of herself shaking what her Momma gave her and lip-syncing to a ditty called "I Got a Crush on Obama". The last paragraph of the story contains what appears to be a challenge to the comely lasses of the left in Australia.
Which leads smh.com.au to the question - could our politicians ever generate the same kind of responses? Will anybody ever shake their booty for Kevin Rudd? Only time will tell.
Is there anything in the upcoming Polichicks line which might be of assistance here ?
Hello Anon at 4.21pm,
Is that trivia 101? I've never been to a trivia night so have no idea, but if it is a standard trivia night question that explains why I've had at least half a dozen texts from trivia playing friends needing Tiberius.
This post has been removed by the author.
Hiya Fits,
What's your opinion on relationship month-anniversaries? Like "My boy and I are going to dinner tonight to celebrate our four-month anniversary!" I've generally thought the idea of month anniversaries pointless, but my most recent squeeze seemed to place high importance on it:
*whine* I think it's important we do something, it's our one month! Is your uni assignment really that important?
Am I just a heartless, unromantic, uptight party pooper for finding month-anniversaries petty, pointless and plain annoying?
As far as Gibson's work: I enjoyed pretty much all of it, but I'd also recommend Neal Stephenson's Snow Crash.
How can you not love a book with a lead character called Hiro Protagonist??
Buh bye all of ye, have fun!
Snow Crash is fun but it's an earlier work and it shows. The massive chunks of Sumerian mythology tend to stop the story dead the way a brick wall across a motorway stops traffic.
The Diamond Age is the spiritual sequel to Snow Crash and far superior.
Cryptonomicon is better still. Although not SF at first glance, the back-and-forth between present day and WW2 is well done, and the cryptographic theme meshes with the story in a much more natural way. Educational and entertaining.
Pattern Recognition is a great novel. I think Gibson fans who don't like it are waiting for him to write another Neuromancer. I'm really looking forward to Spook County.
Anyway, enough from me.
My word you must have a lot of time on your hands young Ms Fitsy. My question to you is were you as bored writing all that as I was reading it?
For fucks sake it took me more than half an hour to get through it all!
China Mieville - Perdido Street Station, or The Scar.
I defy any geek lady or man who reads these and does not want to shag his brain.
Or you know, just have a nice cup of tea with him and discuss lefty type things and the weather.
What is your biggest regret?
1. Have you ever considered doing a sex-and-the-city type column?
2. Do you like sex and the city?
3. Isn't Jeff Buckley a beautiful man?
You mentioned a couple weeks back that you'd consider turning gay for Amy Winehouse?!?!?!? What exactly is it about a tattooed, anorexic self mutilator that turns you on? Surely to turn for someone they would have to be physically appealing, at least just a little. And what is it with people cutting themselves these days? Even the celebrities are getting in on the trend. There's Lindsay Lohan and Winehouse and of course the original cutter Angelina Jolie.
Just wanted to say that I was a bit disappointed by the advice you dispensed last week to a poster(cannot recall her name) whose boyfriend had pashed some girl. To my dismay you seemed to completely ignore her rather disturbed and bitter outpouring and you even reassured her that she must be in a good relationship if she has worked things out with her man! Well it seems she has worked things out by solely blaming the girl in the incident rather than her boyfriend who I suspect will be involved in many other party pashes in his time. My question is, when you are playing agony aunt do you just say things to make people feel better or do you say what you really think?
p.s. where can I read your book reviews?
Hello -
My sincere apologies for asking this question, because I can see that (most other) people have refrained from giving him undue attention, and I was intending to as well, but then, well, I can't bear the confusion any more ...
WHO is Mikeed1313? Who is Mikeed1313AW or whatever the name is?
Does one get the whole story looking at your blog and his blog, or are their other blogs involved?
What is going on?
I realise Ms Fits may not want to answer this question so if anyone else can shed some light for me, I'd be very grateful.
Yes, please ... I'd like to hear about Mikeed too. Or at least, I'd like you to confirm that its not you 'aving a laff.
Also, why doesn't he comment on the Q&A post, yet posts obsessively on the others?
HELLO WHERE I CAN FIND THESE IMAGES OF PICTURE MAGAZINE GOOD DAY
HELLOW ANSWER ME GOOD DAY
I HAVE NO MATERIAL WITH WHICH FOR THE FAPPING TO BE DONE BAD DAY
G'Day Ms Fits,
Lovely to see you as ever; riddle me this, if you will:
What does Fapping mean? Inspired by last comment, who seems very much like Dixon Bainbridge.
My intended question is what do you make of the Dalai Lama's meeting with Mr Johnny H? I mean obviously with his whole universal compassion thing going, it's not too much of a mystery from the Dalai Lama's point of view -- but I'd really like to hear your thoughts on it all.
This is spiffing: I am, for once NOT "the other Ben". I'm moving up.
I'm not really that pedantic: If I was really pedantic, I'd point out to Anonymous that your 17th year actually culminates in your 17th birthday, not your 18th.
Or I'd point out that Marty rode the hoverboard in Back to the Future 2.
But I'm not, so I won't.
I do enjoy pedantry. It's my only actual skill, besides spelling. I once dreamed of becoming an international spelling star, playing huge arena spelling gigs, wherein young ladies would squeal with delight at the words I could spell: "Oh my God, I didn't think he was going to spell diphtheria, I LOVE this one!" Anyway...
Trouble with Time Management? Try this: http://www.videotrain.com.au/info.asp?pid=18
Yeah. I fucking wrote that. Hardcore.
John Inman's marvellous, but not directly comparable the way Kenneth and Sid are. I prefer Kenneth myself. He was the tortured type, rather than the "leap uninvited into bed with my best friend's French wife" type. I'm somehow attracted to the thought he was dying inside all the time in those movies. His diaries were most mournful. Also, in a bio of Sid James, Sid was described as being intimidated by Ken's "spiky intelligence". I'd love to be described one day as having spiky intelligence. I'd love to intimidate Sid James. Anyway.
I would rank Kenneth ahead of John Inman, but I'd rank Benny Hill behind him. And behind John Inman was always the place to be. Oo-er!
Incidentally (to other Fitsophiles), anyone browsing these comments before Wednesday, I'm at the Comic's Lounge in Errol Street North Melbourne Wednesday night. Competition to be decided by Applause-o-meter, so anyone who turns up and makes lots of noise for me will be owed forever favours by myself.
Questions? Why not?
1. Do you like Billy Joel? I don't mind if you don't, I just ask you not to be cruel to me.
2. Seeing as others have asked about William Gibson...are you the type of person who always knows where her towel is?
3. Do you ever get the feeling that the other Young Divas are constantly making mean comments to Kate and not inviting her to things? Especially Ricki-Lee. What a bitch.
4. Which of these lines, if any, would you be offended by if you heard a stand-up comedian deliver them with elan and style:
a) I can't really understand the paedophile mindset, but then I'm a breast man.
b) To me, comedy should be a way of life, like quadriplegia. Of course, I would find quadriplegia very hard, because I have a morbid fear of ramps.
c) Steve Irwin died filming an animal documentary. Then Peter Brock died racing a car. I expected to pick up the paper any day and find out John Howard had choked to death on Satan's cock.
That's all for now. See you in the ether, dear heart.
Word verification: "naydj" - the catchcry at medieval discos when Enrique Iglesias come on.
Hi Ben,
FYI, I keep guffawing at the last one.
Mmmm- let's see - has to be a question raher than a comment, so - Do you think ben can really be a pedant if he uses the expression 'that pedantic'? (Oh, Lord Ms Fits, don't tell me you don't think there's anything wrong with it either!?!)
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Maybe you were distracted by thoughts of the "doe-eyed spunk" or dazzled/put off by my brilliant "poll coverage" double entendre, but you didn't answer my main question: Do you appreciate the drama of election night or would watching even the Brownlow Medal count be preferable? Any highlights from elections past or anything you're hoping to see happen?
Thank you Anonymous 10:00, your input is appreciated.
Anonymous 10:44, why should a pedant not be willing to embrace the realities of modern usage? IS there anything wrong with "that pedantic"? It would be wrong to say "Look at that pedantic over there", but I think a normal, healthy person should be able to say "that pedantic" from time to time, as long as they are in a committed relationship.
(Of course, some thing are just a step too far: I shall never, for example, use the word "laxadaisical")
But come! This is neither the time nor the place!
Dear Fitzy,
I'm catching up on several weeks RYWHM, due to a period travelling in which Friday Q&A was only accessible via ruinous hotel internet. I did briefly visit Melbourne, but failed to offer to buy you a drink as I had always planned to do when in the same city. I was actually in town to go to a science fiction convention, which I am happy to admit as it turns out this particular Q&A is full of outpourings of love and respect for the SF and fantasy literary genres. I second the recommendation of Miéville, btw.
Anyway, that was all by way of needlessly explaining why my question refers to something mentioned a few weeks ago -- I notice you got a bottle of fancy gin for your birthday. I am a gin afficianado myself, and have just bought a big bottle of duty free Hendricks on your recommendation, so can I trouble you for some gin reviews?
Sadly, we have no Gin Palace in WA, so chances to sample interesting gin without buying a whole bottle are rare.
what do you make of this blog?
http://desperatesarah.blogspot.com
Ms Fits.
My pick up line of late has been, "Hi, I'm in my mid-30's, single, I have a good job and I want a woman who is happy to be barefoot and pregnant".
It's amazing how many "Well hello there"s I get from childless women in their 30's. Unfortunately, I haven't particularly fancied any of these potential breeders. But, I also get a few odd looks as if to say, "That's no way to woo a woman. Bugger off."
My questions are:
1 - Should I wait for the second date before mentioning the barefoot and pregnant bit?
2 - Do you want babies? I'm in my mid 30's, I have a good job and am looking for a woman that is happy to be barefoot and pregnant (my sole aspiration in life is to be a house-husband).
Perseus, you'll probably do better when you learn to see women as a "who" and not a "that".
Plenty of women in their 30s want babies, but not to the exclusion of a good wooing.
Shouldn't someone who aims to be a house-husband be looking for a woman who's happy working full-time and sharing all her money?
Hello Fits,
Nice work getting Jess McGuire and penetrative docking into this weeks GG column.
My question, I'm pretty sure you've mentioned before on here that you don't smoke, have never smoked in fact? Can you clarify?
Thx
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G'day Fits,
Three things if I may be so bold:
1. May I use your blog to thank a fellow poster who appears to be blogless? If so: thanks to Easily Confused for her advice a few weeks ago on Jeanette Winterson - very much enjoyed 'Lighthouse Keeping'
2. May I also give a word of advice to everyone in bloggoland re the procession of rabid/unhinged/misguided folk who feel the need to abuse the esteemed blogstress of RYWHM? Don't give them the time of day. I reckon if you ignore them they will become more abusive in an attempt to get a response but eventually they will just go away. The old adage "only a fool would waste time arguing with a fool" springs to mind. Be the bigger persons you all assuredly* are.
3. As I haven't really asked you any "real" Friday questions yet: what colour would you call the Simpsons family sedan? Is it purple or pink? Being the productive member of society that I am I have argued the point with a friend numerous times.
Finally, much kudos and affectionate arm rubbings to you on the Friday Q&A - love it.
*hopes that's a word
How's it hangin'?
Anonymous:
I said 'who' the first time, and meant 'who' the second time. Besides, "...that is/does something" is not a denial of the gender or worth of the 'woman'.
EG: She is the woman THAT wears odd socks.
I argue that saying, "A woman THAT is happy..." is not as bad as you would have it. The word 'that' is, in that context, a relative pronoun, which is at best permissable and at worst forgivable.
I've haven't back-pedalled so fast since I said 'Richmond will make the 8 this year' after round 2.
Now I'm all flustered. Allow me to re-word the question.
I'm 38 next week and I would like to have babies some time in the next couple of years. I understand that might not happen, but I want it to happen. At what point in the wooing process can I mention it? First meeting? Fifth shag? Three months?
I dated a woman recently - I liked her, she liked me. After two months I mentioned that 'one day' I would like to have a family (I didn't say 'with you'... it was theoretical) and she said, "I am NEVER EVER having babies!". It ended it for me. It wouldn't have if I was 25, but now it does.
Hence, my dilemma.
Do you think there's an under-appreciation of books in Australia, or at least Melbourne? I mean sure, there's always lots of people on Readings.
On the other hand, most people seem to think Patrick White is either a rugby player, or a cryptic Reservoir Dogs reference.
What gives?
Yo baby daddy. Don't even tell the skirt that you want the little uns. Just have unprotected sex with her! Then everyone wins! Except her but who cares.
Hi Rustique I'm glad you enjoyed some Jeanette, read Written on the Body next and swoon.
Just wanted to say hello to voodooboy too being a fellow sci-fi nerd and all.
Ms Fits I hope you don't mind this use of your blog as a social space, please say if you do and I'll simmer down and get me own blog I suppose. Just love hangin' out here.
I enjoyed Written on the Body but after reading a few interviews with Winterson I've gone off her a bit. Friday question: have you read much Ben Okri?
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