Reasons you will hate me

Friday q and a #8

Oh lord, I could not be MORE SORRY. You don't want to hear about me being on a houseboat in the middle of Lake Eildon and coming home to broadband troubles and banging my head against the keyboard for the better part of two hours, do you. I understand. Let's just start up the questions so we can all have some tea.

Miserable of Carlton said...

Ms Fits,

A non dog-related question for you for this Friday's outpouring of sane and sensible advice. How can you tell when you're in love with a guy, and when it's just a crush? Do crushes usually last more than a year? And why can't I tell him how I feel?

Yours, Miserable of Carlton


Wow. A year is kind of long for a crush, isn't it? You must be spending many a vexing hour pacing your living room and listening to Morrissey. THE HORROR.

I can't really explain why you can't tell him how you feel without knowing the dirty particulars. Do you fear rejection, or just fucking up the friendship? If it's still driving you crazy after all this time, I say go out for a few drinks with him one night and test the waters. One of my favourite 'I can't stand this any longer' moments involved a ferry at sunset and a helpless me sighing dramatically and saying 'So you know I'm in love with you, right?'. IT ALWAYS FEELS BETTER TO SPILL YOUR GUTS. Sure, you may be faced with a horrified ex-best-friend projectile-vomiting on their shoes before racing off into traffic in a blind panic, but at least you'll know either way. And that, to me, is far more important than nights at home with the Smiths.

Anonymous said...

Dear Ms. Fits,I love reading your blog but I am getting somewhat confused about your, er, domestic situation. Most perplexing to me is who you are currently living with, aside from (the quite dear) Bob Ellis.I seem to recall a casual mention of a husband and then there is Gabi. Is Gabi your husband? Has your husband been sent to Queensland? Or was there never a husband and I'm utterly bonkers.Well, I am utterly bonkers but spill the beans! Who are you currently shacked up with?


My husband and I separated in 2004 and he moved out, though we are still very close and plan to stay married. Gabi moved in around April 2005 and life has been very rosy since. Although everyone around Northcote mistakes us for creepy twin lesbians when we go out walking the dog.

One day I wish to have a commune with suitably jocular partners and children and more Staffordshire Bull Terriers. This may take some delicate negotiating.




Jess said...

Who do you think the WORST Neighbours character of all time was\is? Clearly it's time for us to begin addressing the 'big issues'. I used to want to punch Hannah Martin in the face, big time, but pretty much all of the Hancock family could do with a kick in the pants too. But then... remember Lance's nerd girlfriend who gave him the tasks to complete? A small part but infuriating.


How dare you insult Hannah 'Most Unconvincing Skateboarder In The World' Martin.

The worst? Hm. I remember Toadfish having a part-time cockney friend who used to roll in with a hideous accent and concert tickets that fell off the back of a truck. I never much liked him.

That said, I was also an un-fan of Bilal. He was a refugee who hid out in Lou's house and was discovered by the Famous Five-esque detective skills of Summer and Boyd. I got to write dialogue for him which included such gems as 'Please...my people...my country...please.' Needless to say he was mercilessly edited out and no doubt bundled back to Something-istan, from whence he came.


Anonymous said...

Have YOU ever stuck your fingers down your throat to make yourself throw up?
what do you think of girls who do? Do you think it's selfish?


I did it a couple of times as a snapper, but it's hardly a worthwhile exercise. You're wasting perfectly good food, and the skinny-making benefits are fucking laughable.

I don't think it's selfish. I think it's desperately unhealthy, and a sign of heartbreaking unhappiness. Life is far greater when you've started to tackle the difficult stuff and move on.



thomasr said...

Fits,
I have it on dubious authority that you done did get The Fear.
That's cool- it happens.

My question: What recreational activity do you partake in that occasionally gives you the willies?


I didn't get the fear, I swear! I WANT TO RIDE ON YOUR MOTORBIKE/NOT A METAPHOR. I have been away and will contact you very soon.

I am of course slightly nervous, but am looking forward to a good hoon through the mountains.

In terms of your question, I have just about the gayest answer ever.

Swimming.

When I swim in the ocean (or a lake), all I can imagine is the pov of the anaconda or bitey-like Monster of the Deep as they survey my thrashing pins with demonic interest. Curse my over-active imagination.

(Yes, I realise that listing 'swimming' as a recreational activity that gives me the willies is unbelievably lame. I couldn't think of anything else at short notice.)

I'm looking forward to going nude skydiving, though. WHO'S WITH ME.



sjusju said...

I really want to know!
Re your relative being set on fire - this is earnestly what I would like for my very own human crust when I depart it. The whole crumbling grave thing I think to be a terrible waste of space and I'd rather be joyously "sprinkled" on my favorite bit of beach than slowly decompose. I hate horror movies enough as it is, and the last thing I want to become is a zombie.

Alas, my beloved insists that she "couldn't do that to me". No amount of insisting that there are plenty of funeral services who'd be more than willing to do the job will divert her from this line of thinking.

And as much as I respect her spiritual beliefs, these are mine - that I really don't want my body after I depart it, and it would be better for all involved (including the environment, and rellies who can spend the money on a festive wake rather than expensive deathly real-estate) if I disposed of it in the quickest and most efficient way.

It is a tricky argument, and a hypothetical one (for now at least!), so I thought it would be right up your alley.

Oh! Exactly what is the question here? I am confused. Are you asking my views on your conundrum?

I think it's your body, your death, your wishes to be respected. If you want your corpse to be painted blue and turfed out over the MCG during an Essendon/Collingwood thriller, then so be it. Just be careful of the vom-factor for those fans halfway through a Mrs Macs beef burgundy. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, THINK OF CHRIS TARRANT'S PRECIOUS HAIR.

Whatever happened to taking a beloved's last will and testament and traipsing eight hours through rugged bushlands to gut and dismember them and eat their innards with Nam Plang fish sauce? (Note: this is what I did for my grandmother) If she loves you, she will douse you in petrol and light the match herself. Or at least hire one of those very nice lady funeral places to arrange everything in a non-messy and beatific fashion.



Litahnee said...

When you cook do you prefer to start a meal from scratch or do you cheat and buy pre-prepared items like Paul Newman's Bombolina Sauce?


He has a sauce named 'Bombolina'? The foxy minx.

I am an awful cook, but when I do give it a crack I go all out and try to pull together three-course stunners. This usually involves a Marie-Claire recipe book, eight hours in the kitchen and me in fits of tears, occasionally screaming: 'OH, FOR CUNTING FUCK'S' at a spatula. I do, however, wear a charming apron and underpants outfit that makes my neighbour blush.



la nadine said...


you wanna come to new york with me sometime later in the year?


Yes please. Do you suppose I should get a job soon, then?


Anonymous said...

A relationship/dating question - if both parties are consenting adults should age difference ever be an issue, i.e. one party older or younger than the other party? Is there an acceptable age difference - half your age plus seven years and that sort of thing? Or will love out?


As someone who once dated a thirty year-old at fifteen (BAD) and a twenty-two year-old at twenty-five (GOOD), I'd say love will 'out'. Be careful with the underage thing if you're making eyes at some pre-pubescent bit of fairyfloss though, you law-breaking gusset. THIS IS ILLEGAL AND WRONG, GROWNUPS.

I got confused by the maths at the end of your question, but am pretty much on-side otherwise. You'll of course run the risk of confusion at dinner parties when all your friends crack wise about Mr. T and your companion sits beside you with a bewildered expression, but as long as you have enough in common otherwise then go to town.



Ukulele said...

Please tell me what is the brand of the red lipstick you are currently using?
My old faithful has been discontinued so I am on the look out for a new shade.


I am veering between Revlon colorstay and L'Oreal Invincible Kissproof. You'll need a turps-covered rag to get them off at night, but they're both pretty reliable through a bowl of noodles and a blow-job. Because for christ's sake, there's nothing more I loathe after a perfectly decent blow job than raising from lap position with a mouth like the Luna Park clown on acid.



Jellyfish said...

You're allowed the write the screenplay for a biopic about anybody who has ever been alive. Who do you write about? (They don't have to be famous)


I'm laming out if I say Gabi, aren't I? SHE IS JUST FUCKING INTERESTING TO ME PEOPLE, DEAL WITH IT.


I have always been quietly in love with Garson Kanin and John Fante, though I don't know how big my audienceship would be. And there's always the rather nice notion of keeping the brains that you adore nice and close to your chest.



Anonymous said...

Which is the best celebrity sex video ever?


I don't know if I've seen that many. The Paris Hilton one is fascinating if only for what a dud root she appears to be. Maybe it's the huge amount of drugs allegedly pumping through her system, but the dull-eyed motions she's going through seem to indicate someone who doesn't really like to fuck all that much.

The Pamela Anderson one is the same - she lies back and moans 'OH MY GOD, LOVER*' with all the gusto of a practiced porn merchant. I don't even know if she has an orgasm. She certainly sounds like she's pretending to have one.

I saw the Mimi Macpherson video years ago, and it was nothing special. The guy blows so fast he has to lie on the bed flaccidly and watch her play with herself until she 'gets there', which makes me wonder why he'd bother leaking it to every football club in existence.

What other ones are there? I'm open to education.





*NB This is just about the worst thing to say during sex ever.


Anonymous said...

The brothel across the road from my work is having a "two for one" deal of $200 for 1/2 an hour with two women. Should I go? I am already a slave dog at work, but at least the women working there think I am OK. There's always someone out the front for a smoke and short of stabbing them in the eye they would blab to everyone.


Oh, you should definitely go. But can't you go outside of working hours? Are you in such urgent need that you need to duck across the road with a mouthful of ham and salad on multigrain for a half-hour release?

It's really not worth tarnishing your work reputation. You know you'll always be remembered as 'that brothel guy', and the ladies will assume you're hard-up for action and feel sorry for you. Just wait until night and come back for a crack.

And then tell me about it. Are the girls hot? Where do you work again?


Anonymous said...

Did you see that doco "The Perfect Fake" on SBS last Friday? I was following it fine until they took the head off one of the love dolls and it went 'pop!'
Also, what do you think of a see-through vagina?


1. Goodness no, but it sounds GHASTLY.

2. Well, I probably have no use for it myself. But it does seem very handy. And pliable.



Anonymous said...

Hi Fits, normally I'd post with my real blogger name but... I dunno.

Over the past year or so I have gone COMPLETELY off sex. Now, there have been a few idiotic men who I thought had something to do with "turning" me, but then I realised that even with great blokes - including my current amour, who is perfect in every way - I just can't be bothered. I am a go-getting young lass and have about ten million things to do, but really, it's not a stress thing. I just feel like at this point in my life I'd rather just cuddle and hold hands (and pash, of course). He is "fine" with this, though I know he thinks I'm ace and wants to root me senseless, so obviously it's not an ideal situation for him. ANYWAY, what do you think?


I think that if it's important to him, then it's worth figuring out a compromise that suits you both. Low libidos are SO FUCKING NORMAL for ladies of any age/shape/tinge, and it sounds like you have a beautiful patient partner who wants to get it right for you (bless). Have you tried all that cheesecore stuff you find on sexy 'lady websites'?

At least the two of you are having open and honest discussions. You certainly shouldn't be giving him rude oral if you don't want to. And at the same time he shouldn't be sneaking up from behind at putting his penis inside you at inopportune moments if you've expressed a need for quiet time.
That said, a healthy sexual relationship is a uniting thing that creates great intimacy. Maybe start thinking about whys and hows instead of just taking it for granted that this is how you are and he better like it or wank it.


Anonymous said...

Dear Ms Fits, two quick questions, as a fellow reader can you recommend something for me to read? I'm nearly at the end of a book and I will have a nervous breakdown if I have to go without for more than a day.

And a few weeks ago I finally took the plunge and tried one of those internet dating sites. I have been single and joy-less for quite a while so I thought what the hell, everyone seems to be doing it. However I seem to have only met total nerdy boys. So instead of looking for boys the same age I have tried slightly older men, now I am shortly going to meet a divorced bloke with two kids, and I'm not sure how I feel about that, can you offer a few reassuring words? If not can you suggest nice places to meet nice boys who might like a nice early-thirties, slightly erratic, with bad taste in music girl? I have a good job, I can provide, I miss the joy...


1. Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole
Ask The Dust, John Fante
The Liars Club, Mary Karr
Naked, David Sedaris

THESE ARE ALL SOME OF MY FAVOURITE BOOKS AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM I AM CONCERNED ABOUT THE LONGEVITY OF OUR FRIENDSHIP.

2. Gracious. Firstly, I can understand your reticence about getting involved with a divorced dad. It's not so much a carefree backyard sex romp in fishnets and body oil if you've got two tiny folk under the age of nine gasping at you with appalled expressions through an upstairs window. Not to mention the emotional commitment and 'you're not my real mother', etc. That said, he could be the most wonderful man in the world so it can't hurt to at least meet him.

Secondly, I don't really know places to meet nice boys. The boys I meet are all awful skanks ROFLMAO/LOLLERSKATES/ETC!!!!

Being the fucking computer dork that I am, I always end up meeting people online. In terms of meeting nice boys in real life - maybe gigs? If you like bad music, then you'll at least have a starting point of conversation. I'd never get sniffy about speed-dating, either. It always sounds like at least a place to get drunk and make jokes about the hairy mole on the lady organiser.



MedusA said...

Ms Fits, I am an evil genius. Are you interested in becoming one of my hench women? You are first on my list, next is Fergi and then Princess Mary. Together we will conquer this world and then populate the moon when we grow tired of everyone worshipping us. Also, if you have any friends you think would like to join us in our crusade, you're welcome to bring them along.


Wait, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas or 'Princess' Fergie? This could be important.





No, fuck it. I'm in either way. SOUNDS EXCITING.


p.s. What do I wear?



duk said...

Oh dear ... now I'm confused.
'like John Travolta with a camel toe'
Excuse my naivety ... but I thought camel toe = women wearing ill-fitting undies/swimwear/etc, and brainiac = men wearing ill-fitting undies/swimwear/etc.

Is there more to this that I should know? It's all a bit unattractive although I realise there are websites dedicated to 'toe'.
Oh, and have you seen the new blokes swimmers/cossies/sluggos/dickstickers called a 'sling'?


Camel toe as far as I'm aware is any sign of 'separation' in an article of clothing. I bet the Kings Of Leon have it bad, considering their jeans are so tight they can't sit down without looking like they're having an epileptic fit.

Here is a nice camel toe website.

The slings provided me with some much-needed Thursday blogging material. THANK YOU LORD.


tex martini said...

Considering the amount of debate regarding chicks hairy bits, and the removal of such (the hair, not the bits), I thought I would raise this question. How much is too much body hair for a dude to have?

Personally, I am the proud owner of an irrepressible chest thatch. Some chicks really dig it, but some want to dip me in wax until I look like an overgrown eight year old.
I am not one to hassle chicks about what do with their legs, armpits or niceplace. If I can't be bothered to shave my face everyday, how can I expect them to follow suit? (it is lovely when they do, though)


An 'irrepressible chest thatch'? Mr. Martini, you are wonderful.

I think if you're taking your shirt off and hearing beach-wide screams of horror, GET YOUR HAIR LOOKED AT. Otherwise, my take on the hair-removal decision is to feel what's right for you and trust your instincts. My boyfriend would prefer a little more hair on my veedge than what I have at the moment, but we're working together on a winning combination. If I slept around like a Slutty Slutbox I may find other partners with varying opinions on the state of my downstairs, the pushy tarts. I am very comfortable with both my more hirsuite areas and those with less 'coverage'. If you're sleeping with women who want you baldy-chested and you're resisting, either stop sleeping with them or stop worrying. I TRUST YOU, HAIRY-SAN.


Anonymous said...

I was watching the Kaiser Chiefs guest programming RAGE on the weekend and saw the clip for "Hey You" by ROCK STEADY CREW. Is it just me or did one of the group having "Krankiboy" written on the back of their yellow tshirt?


Oh fuck, I didn't see this. I certainly hope so. Do you have a video recording?


Our beloved Seppo Warrior certainly deserves to be lauded by spotty rock teens.


Anonymous said...

At what age does it become no longer acceptable to have not formed a long-term relationship? And is having only one relationship, perhaps a lifelong one, a sign of loyalty or laziness?


Acceptable to whom, anon? Who gives two peeled parts of a flying fig if others disapprove of your lifestyle choices? Stay a virgin if you so desire, or wrap yourself comfortably around the woman or man or your dreams from the age of sixteen onwards.

And why can't one long-term relationship be a sign of the third L - love? If you're just there out of laziness, then pull your fucking finger out and motivate yourself. If you're loitering out of some kind of guilt-ridden loyalty program, then have some respect for your partner and either jump in with both feet or move on. If, however, you truly love him/her then GOD BLESS YOU, YOU SOFT-HEARTY ROMANTIC.


Anonymous said...

Ms Fits,
I have an embarrassing secret to reveal. The truth is that I never feel like I've completely
'relieved myself' unless I've used my toilet at home. I also hold-off going to the bathroom as long as possible to avoid using any other restroom (I've coined that "poocrastinating").
Does that sound very strange and do you think I'm the only one like
this?


I don't much care for toilet questions, anon. Although I do very much like your new word.

I don't think you're strange. Judging by the person who previously enquired about 'going toilet' in people's shower plugs, there are thousands out there with various bathroom needs. Just accept that this is how you are and embrace your bowels (not physically, that would hurt). And please don't get yourself into any 'situations' due to clenching stubbornness. Holding off isn't healthy.


Anonymous said...

Ms Fits,
Is there any room when it comes to love, for logic? I mean am I right when I say that to persue love you need to disobey everything that your head may be yelling at you about how it knows best?

If my theory is correct, then was George Costanza onto a good thing where he did the exact opposite of what he would normally do?

Head vs Heart - where should the line in the sand be drawn?

love logic.

I would most always try to pick heart. But it depends on what your head is yelling at you. If it is yelling at you to STOP NOW, HE IS A HOMELESS MAN WHO WILL STEAL YOUR STEREO AND PERHAPS GIVE YOU HEP C then it may have a point. If it is yelling in Romanian, it will be impossible to understand unless you have studied the language. If it is yelling at you to perhaps be cautious, remember how you got hurt last time, MUSICIANS ARE ALWAYS TROUBLE, then tell it to naff off. What's wrong with a little impetuous and potentially dangerous romance? At least you can say you've lived.


In terms of taking love lessons from a fictional television character who occasionally behaved so deplorably even my Buddhist aunty called him a cunt, I'd seek advice elsewhere.


Anonymous said...

G'day, Fitsy. Would you be willing to give a substantial plug to the show I'm producing and MCing for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival in exchange for a free ticket on the night of your choice? It's called I Know What You Did Last Monday and will have an absolute kickarse line-up.
Please?


I'd be glad to. I am very excited about the Comedy Festival at it gives me a chance to go to the Hi-Fi Bar and make moony eyes at all the visiting comedians. How did you wish for this to 'substantial plug' to eventuate? Is there a way we can do it that would escape the wrath of Media Watch? I am happy to pay for a ticket if it means not being shouted at by Monica Attard.


Anonymous said...

I'm a high school english teacher. My students are currently studying 'Pride and Prejudice'. What do you think of the essay question 'To have a friend you must be a friend. Discuss.'?


What do I think of it in terms of shaping the young minds of future generations? Or what do I think of the premise? I sincerely believe that to have a friend you must be a friend. I realise that doesn't exactly fill 5000 words of a VCE English paper, but these questions are running late and time is of the essence, etc.

Or are you concerned that the question doesn't specifically mention the novel?

Honestly, for a high school English teacher you've really left the gate wide open. It's no wonder all our teenagers are drug addicts/gay/muslims.



BEVIS said...

Hey there. You missed one of my questions last week (but fair enough - I think I asked four or five). So now you get your chance to redeem yourself and I can extend it by another whole link! (Yes, even you can be this exciting.) Here goes:
Shameless self-promotion, I know (but I don't think you've read it yet - busy girl and all that, etc).
What did you think of these guesses? And now (here's the updated bit), these guesses?
Many thanks (and apologies),
BEVIS

I can't believe you're using my Friday questions to promote your own blog. YOU ARE A CAUTION, YOUNG MAN.

What do I think of them? I think in terms of the people I've met, you're pretty much on the money. Including me. I just have 'child star in plaits' written all over me these days.



BEVIS said...

PS - If you missed that question last time intentionally, as a tactful way of saying 'piss off, you self-promoting prick', here's a reserve question you can answer instead:
'Do you think you'll ever have children of your own, or are you totally against the idea?'


I don't think I missed it intentionally, though no doubt I would have been shaking my fist at your used car salesman qualities.

I would love to have a child of my own some time in the next few years. No doubt I'm one of the many girls my age 'leaving the run a bit late', but I'm pretty relaxed about it and am open to things like IVF and adoption and so on. No way am I against the idea. I have dreams about it all the time.



audrey said...

Dear Ms Fits,
1. Is stealing in a manner that might classify you as a kleptomaniac wrong if said stealing occurs in large, sterile department stores and their supermarket subsidiaries?

I steal quite a lot and I'm a little terrified that I might turn up in a secret video on Today Tonight one day with the words "Thieving! In BROAD DAYLIGHT!" stamped across my scratchy criminal face.

2. I'm going to be on Today Tonight next week taking part in a quiz. I think it might be on the state election. I get a double pass to the movies in return. Does this make me an utter fool or should I use the opportunity to wear an anti Howard tee shirt for the benefit of people who consider TT a 'news' show?

love audrey


Your question is priceless (which means you can pinch it, you thieving fox). Did you make the link between being scared of turning up on TT and actually being on it next week on purpose? I like it very much.

1. It doesn't matter where you steal, my dear. It's still stealing and yes, one day you will be splashed across the front page of the Herald Sun with the headline 'A NATION'S SHAME' and a voteline dedicated to your light fingers. Is this a suitably terrifying enough outcome to force you to stop?

What on earth are you stealing, anyways? Is it meat to feed your eight starving children? Or are you shoving a couple of bottles of Britney Spears' 'Curious' into your denim jacket for afters? You must be terribly careful either way.

2. Oh, you must. I wore wristbands that said 'Fuck off, Liberal Scum' to the AWGIE awards and managed to get my photo in the social pages without anyone being the wiser.


Kleptomania, Today Tonight debates. You really are a mystery wrapped up in an enigma, aren't you?


Captain Oats said...

What is it about camping that seems to appeal to every single person in the known world bar myself (and my one true love)? I am regularly flabbergasted by the number of completely unlikely people -- the kind who find non-electric can openers barbaric; the kind who ordinarily suffer anxiety attacks if their mobile phone can't pick up a signal -- who nevertheless rate a weekend camping trip as the ultimate form of relaxation. Can it be that there is no one else who would rather suffer 48 hours of the worst that free-to-air television can offer (say, a weekend of endlessly repeated Winter Olympics highlights) than have to spend two days in a flimsy tent, listening to the continual FUCKING CHIRPING OF BIRDS?! I am truly perplexed.


I do not sleep in a 'flimsy tent', thank-you very much. I sleep in a jellybean-shaped van.

I wasn't brought up an outdoorsy girl. My father is the type to race around squealing in a shrill fashion if the portable espresso machine gets a flat battery. But I've learned to love packing up the car and racking off in any direction. I love reading the Lonely Planet guide of an evening and deciding where to drive to the next day. I especially love arriving somewhere at night and parking, only to wake up the next day with a breathtaking view. It's a nice way to see the country.

Thank goodness your one true love shares your opinions, or you'd be in BIG FREAKING TROUBLE, INDOORSY.





Thanks for waiting. I know the answers are late. At least it's still Friday, for fuck's.


Further questions posted below if you like.




617 days til the next election.

34 comments.