Reasons you will hate me

Friday q and a #87.

Here is a letter I received yesterday which for some reason pleased me:

'To quote you "I find the woman as charming and charismatic as a Pap smear; one where your gynaecologist has hairy wrists and personal hygiene issues". You would be aware that 50% of readers have no idea what you are talking about!

Is said gynaecologist male of female - just for clarity?

We differ on what is funny but your humour needs to lift, you are about as witty as the shows you lambaste.

Feel free to try this personal experience and see if it amuses you or gets a laugh. "I find the woman as charming and charismatic as having a cyst beneath my foreskin examined and surgically removed from". 50% of your readers won't have a clue how that feels but I'm sure you are rolling around on the floor at how funny the comparison is. Feel free to see how big a laugh you get out of that one.


You have lost me.'

I truly appreciate it, but I'm not sure I get it. Is he saying the joke isn't funny because he's a man and has no idea what a pap smear might feel like when performed by someone with hairy wrists? Am I not allowed to laugh at cyst/foreskin jokes because I am a lady? DID I REALLY HAVE HIM TO LOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE.




Anyway. Enough of that for now. There's a song in my heart and a party in my pants. What better frame of mind to tackle a few Friday questions ?

Galores said...
PRISCILLA the nightmare comes upon me late at night - endless skies full of floating hairdoos and oversized lips singing show tunes while Michael Caton (please, can he be banished to Second Life instead of our life... ) struts across the landscape in too short shorts... Half the show was enough for me and my fair lady , upon which we hoofed it to Mo Vida and scoffed chops and meatballs before turning up at the party. My biggest problem of the evening, however, is the fact that I was nabbed in beauty salon by a drag queen and had make up slathered across my delicate face. The mascara that was trowelled on, the mascara that had passed across the lashes of many a fair maiden before me, the mascara that was carrying beady little buggy things, GAVE ME AN EYE INFECTION. SO, I says to Priscilla and her songs - PISS OFF.

What on earth did you let a drag queen brandishing a mascara wand near you for, Galores? Remember the old saying: 'Beware of transvestites bearing Max Factor 2000 Calorie Aqua Lash'. It was either that or 'Never look a gift whore in the mouth when she's threatening to daub you with Esteé Lauder Raincoat Waterproofing Topcoat '; I get confused. Either way, it's hardly the fault of Priscilla that you caught a nasty dose of conjunctivitis from a she-male. Gosh but you people are harsh sometimes.




More musical theatre nightmares:

Ms Anonymous said...
I too, am tortured by flashbacks of my viewing of Priscilla Queen of the Desert. Perhaps we all need to start a support group. I also rarely drink, have a ~mysterious illness~ and once worked at Centrelink. A rather odd demographic!

Speaking of theatre and unpleasntries, I have an etiquette question for you, seasoned musical lady. If you are seated in the middle of a rather long row of seats, with twenty people on either side of you, what do you do when you need to vomit, knowing that you could only make it past ten people at most? This happened to me when I was at Priscilla. I did not have faith in my running skills and knew that I would end up vomiting on some poor sod's shoes if I did run for it, so I quietly bent over and pretended I needed something from my handbag, took out my purse, mobile etc, and vomited into there. I then promptly excused myself and ran outside the theatre to dispose of my filth. When I returned, the random blue rinse pensioner to the right of me high-fived me and applauded my "tenacity to be practical, dear", however my Aunt scolded me for being "unlady-like", as did some other people at home. I say, what would they prefer me to have done, politely asked the nearest gentleman if he would be charmed if I borrowed his lap for a moment to throw up on?

I am left utterly perplexed by this conundrum and can only think -- What Would Ms Fits Do?

(WWMFD, it's catchy.)

Boy, has anyone actually had a pleasant experience seeing Priscilla? Eye infections, random puking. Hardly the best sales pitch for a night out on the town. Perhaps they could offer all audience members a free poke in the arse with a burnt stick to really round off the evening nicely.


Anyway.


I'm vaguely curious to know the cause of your stomach upset, Ms. Anon. Did you imbibe too much free champagne during the pre-showtime soiree? I remember being eight species of intoxicated during a 2004 production of Annie - there was no vomiting involved, though my Gabi and I did delicately pole-vault a wooden audience barrier in order to be first to the bar at interval, if memory serves.


With regard to your upchuck conundrum, I thoroughly commend your quick thinking and wish to forward my high-five on to your pensioner neighbour. Your Aunt needs to get with the times - drastic moments call for drastic measures, and you were well within your rights to delicately regurgitate your dinner into the nearest clutch rather than lavishly spread vomit up and down row D whilst searching in vain for a way out. Just think how many more people would have been posting on this here blog with further indignant tales of ruined evenings at the theatre should you have failed to contain the contents of your stomach. I tip my fascinator to you, Modern Lady Of Culture.

N said...
ms fits, hiya. i just want to say i have not any wooing or asking of the beautiful young lady i share weekly "video" watching with. its not just any videos a week. its become a little more complicated now. we have finished the series of a particularly excellent american show involving a funeral home. and now we need to pick another series. i actually had the chance to take her out (quite by accident) but didn't .

i have thought about asking her for a pash. i dont think this will occur without the demon drink. whats worse, is that she seems to get hammered with other friends, but our little group. damn it. she has magnificent lips. she has even better feet.

N.

Have you tried Deadwood? I hear it's utterly gripping - and let's face it, the more involved your ladyfriend becomes with the videos on offer, the less likely she's going to be to skip a week in order to march off and fall in love with someone else. Can you not introduce a sophisticated red wine to proceedings? I find it tends to go very well with "videos", excellent or otherwise.



p.s. Are you saying you're keen to put your tongue between her toes? You're a feisty bean, aren't you?

MrLefty said...
"Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something's coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something's coming, I don't know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!"

Unless he fucks it up, of course.

PS Thanks for getting WSS stuck in my head, Fits.

HE'S NOT GOING TO FUCK IT UP.











*breathes into paper bag*

Anonymous said...
Q:
Don't you think it would be great to be a vet? I wish I'd done vet science at uni instead of what I'm doing. I love animals.

Do you like any other kinds of animals, or are you just a dog person? Or merely a Bob Ellis dog person?

Also: is there any chance of you posting some Bob Ellis (dog) photos on your blog?

Hello Anonymous.


1. I'm not sure I'd be all that good at being a vet. For one thing I tend to get rather attached to animals and I'm sure no pet owner wants to take little Fluffy Numkins in to get put down only to have the vet in charge bursting into floods of tears and needing medical support/a stiff drink before the operation commences.


Also: vets have to squeeze the anal glands of dogs. The queue for puking starts here.




2. I'm mostly a dog person and pretty well devoted to the hound I live with, though there is certainly room in my heart for the odd meerkat or two.




3. Why, of course. Here you go.



















That's right, my dog's wearing a dress. I see your judgemental expressions and raise you.

Marmalade said...
@ djali, Fits: sorry, I am not a lady. Sometimes I wish I was. Here is a SFW 15th century picture of what that might look like:

Ms Marmalade

The Marmalade thing is one character my mates and I use when we pretend we're retired Brigadier-Generals. Lots of gout-induced "Baaah! Won't have it!" and anecdotes about skewering rhinos and beating our manservants.

Do you have character voices you can do, Fits? They're lots of fun, especially when you're getting squiffy. My best friend does a pitch-perfect Alvin Chipmunk - any song you request. He can reduce barfuls of grown men to shuddering piles of mirth in seconds.

I ALWAYS SUSPECTED YOU WEREN'T A LADY, MARMALADE.



Wait, so who exactly is taking you out on a date now? I forget. Are you continuing to win hearts as RYWHM's most eligible bachelor? I must say, this 'being amusing' caper seems to be turning out quite well for you thus far. Even I'm quietly undone by the very sweet Brigadier-General scenario, and I'm spoken for. Congratulations.



With regards to your query, as an ex child actor I've sadly got a wealth of annoying character voices at my disposal which I occasionally unleash upon long-suffering friends at various drunken intervals. One particular brandy-soaked has-been Broadway agent is a favourite with 'the kids', though presumably they'd be happier if I just shut up and left them alone to play with their SuperFunWall application or whatever it is young people do these days.




For you:

Anonymous said...
Att: Marmalade

I think I can shed some light on the "Boxman" episode - Drambuie.

One is great, two is delicious, and then I start throwing punches. It's fire water and it works a treat.

I have sworn off it since I:

(a) punched out my ex's best mate for no reason (n.b. I am a girl)

and

(b) wrestled a non-consenting first date to the ground, repeatedly, and for non-sexual purposes.

Beware!

Beware the ides of Drambuie indeed. Don't you sound like an entertaining date, though? Nothing like a robust tumble to fire up an evening on the tiles with a potential paramour.

GG said...
Aaah yes, West Side Story - it was on Channel 7 a couple of Sundays ago, and I watched it instead of studying. Heaven!

One of my favourite movies of all time. And what better excuse to post a picture of George Chakiris looking dishy?






Better living through hair gel. HEL-lo, ladies.

BEVIS said...
Just catching up with the last two weeks' Q&A sessions ...

Do you REALLY think I'm Witty Pseudonym, under a not-so-witty-pseudonym?

Because I'm not. Promise.

I know you're not, BEVIS. You're unhinged, but in a sweet way.

Anonymous said...
What's Jeremy Sear like in person?

Rather reserved at first, but possessed with a keen sense of humour and very kindly disposition. I've only met him a few times, though we share a similar political outlook and seem to get along well. Why, are you building some kind of legal case against him?

Captain Big said...
Yes, the lyrics you requested to know are from west side story .My muda took me to see this when I was around 12.I went on to run in dancing gangs as a result.
In regard to alcohol, I have been gifted with drinking genes .I can and have used them for evil. I’ve moved on now
Miss fits lady; my questions for you. Do you sun yourself at the local pool next to the park, or on the sand with nature?
I have healthy Scottish white skin that I quite like. However I do sun myself and view the naked painted folk.
I am getting butterfries thinking of the warmer months, sitting in the sun on the top deck, listening to the Sunday sessions.
What type of person appreciates the simple things in life?

1. I don't sun myself at all, Captain Big. I am notoriously shy of cancerous rays and barely ever leave the house without an enormous hat and several layers of sunscreen. If I do head out into nature's poisonous embrace it's with a brolly and pious expression. I may resemble a Milky Bar with a face, but I remain firmly and pleasingly tumour-free.






2. Bob Log III. Well, him and the Amish.

gigglewick said...
hee hee - I watched West Side Story too. Features a VERY YOUNG Richard Beymer, who went on to become the deliciously evil Ben Horne in Twin Peaks....

In the spirit of asking a question - who knew he was so ancient?

His mother, presumably. Though if they weren't close there's a chance she may have been out by a year or two.

Hera said...
I don't use my talent - I live in fear that I may never use it.

I don't know what stops me.

Does anyone else feel the same?

A lot of folk do, Hera. And it's fear that tends to act as the major stumbling block between creative pursuits and some semblance of success. For what could be more terrifying than extending one's raw texts out into the world only to be stomped on from a great height and told never to darken the doors of scribing again? It really is worth having at least half a crack, even if you end up being told in no uncertain terms that you are a Talentfree McFucko best suited to a life in dairy produce.



Honestly. A life unexamined, etc. Please try.

Rustique said...
"I'm wagering the words 'It's Gough Time, Motherfuckers' will fall from his lips the day hell freezes over"

That's just what he wants you to think then all of a sudden it's a post election lefty storm of strip clubs, medicare and affordable university places.

On to self promotion - if you find time in between your gmail account cockshot assessments - can you rate this non-phallus related literature please. If not then hopefully someone reads it and admires it.

Huzzah for the shop-keep.

I enjoyed your angry and topical poem very much, even though it was - as pointed out - sadly phallus-free. Perhaps if you add a nice couple of lines about cocks and dead princesses at the end it will be picked up by outraged Herald Sun readers and complained about on the daily voteline.

Exordium said...
Re - Bob Brown's babies.
Shite.
Why am I a sperm stealer? Tis my womb, I merely require some fertilisation of ovaries, with permission of course.. And although turkey basting has never (to my knowledge) been promoted as good times slap and tickle, it does not require the problematic adultery or hetroness.
But the earth first point is an issue. Shite.

Perhaps Rustique will do..

Permission is the problem here, Exordium. Additionally Our Bob is far too busy making and breaking friendships on the campaign trail to pause for a moment and impregnate a relative stranger. Stick with Rustique; that crazy poet's going places.



p.s. This officially counts as RYWHM hook-up #45732.

Ms Anonymous said...
Am I the only one sounding out "It's Gough Time, Motherfuckers" in my head the same way as Brits sings the classic opening line "It's Britney bitch"? Granted, there are more syllables in motherfuckers than in bitch, so it doesen't quite work... but I'd totally buy a Kevin Rudd remix.

I couldn't be more with you, Ms. Anon. Should we combine the two and have him open his 'thanks a bunch for all the votes Australia, I won't let you down' winner's podium speech with the words 'It's Kevin, bitch'? I'd pay a decent amount of money if he backed it up with the fishnets/hotpants combo, too.

Simon said...
Where can I watch election night (mit bier)? Are there pubs where I can cheer/moan/scream at Anthony's updates on a 200-inch plasma?

I have absolutely no idea, Simon. I was supposed to be throwing a 'Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses AND PLY THEM WITH LIQUOR' shindig myself, though have sadly been called away to the country to watch my feller's sister get hitched. She's very kindly providing a television so we political tragics may tear ourselves away from the nuptials to keep an eye on proceedings, though if K07 fails to come through with the goods I can't be held accountable for the banjaxed rampage that will inevitably follow.



Anyone else holding an evening's entertainment that Simon may latch onto?

fatalberton said...
Dear Ms Fits,

We have a child. A small boy. We named him after a punk musician. We intend to do the same with any siblings we might provide for him.

Some of our friends think this places us in the "trailer-trash" sociographic.

We seek your reassurance that we are not bad parents.

PS: We have all our own teeth.

Obviously I'm absolutely dying to know which punk musician you've immortalised with your choice of name, fatalberton. Is it Strummer? Rotten? Dee Dee? HAVE YOU GONE AGAINST ALL WISDOM AND CHRISTENED YOUR POOR WEE BEAN GG ALLIN? Either way you'll cop no po-faced judgement from me as I am a fan of colourful names for children and intend to name my first-born something cheerfully inane. Your friends are just irritated as they've stuck to the more conventional Sarahs and Brians and now look simply stale-bread and pedestrian by comparison. Pish tosh to them and their MOR lifestyles. You just carry on calling out for Tre Cool and Blondie in the supermarket and more luck to ye.

ruby said...
fits,

i haven't popped by here in ages - its even prettier than before, with the familiar vague hints of sycophancy and hate fuelled by professional envy still hanging gently in the air, like the wake of a particularly hot filly who's just walked past on her way to the bar...

electoral dilemma: john howard's secretary contacts you to let you know he's a huge fan of FTBC. and so's kevin andrews. they want you in what is (somehow colloquially, misogynistically and amusingly all at once) known in porn argot as 'a spit roast'. before your bile has time to project past those vermillion lips and all over the phone in the form of your answer, a genie appears before you - it is The Genie of Federal Elections Yet To Come. he tells you that if you acquiesce, Kevin Rudd will absolutely, 100%, for certain - seize power on Nov 24th.

do you take one (indeed, two...) for the team?

ruby

x

Right, so the proper procedure/next step for those in power who may take a small liking to my blog is to instruct their staff to contact me for sex? My, isn't that a likely scenario. I knew I got into this blogging caper for a reason, etc.



Before I address your query I'd like to simply point your attention to this:

elaine said...

1. following to my charming housemate's question above. Shall I punch him in the 'nads for asking such a cunt of a question?

Why yes. Yes, you should. And make it firm.




Anyway, the point stands: would I allow myself to be double-ended by John Howard and Kevin Andrews if it meant that K07 would win the election?



Well, going on how I felt this morning when I woke up and saw the polls I'd have to say yes. I probably would. It'd take some intensely difficult conversations with my gentleman caller and no small amount of ketamine, but if all I had to endure to get fuckface out of power was a few sordid moments of 'accommodating' members of the Coalition then at what price revolution and so on.








I hope my mother isn't reading this.



Also:

Anon said...
Well Ruby, would you?

YEAH, RUBY. BEND OVER AND TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

voodooboy said...
I don't think Gamera is a giant turtle with PMS. Because Gamera is almost always referred to with the sobriquet "Friend of Children". And PMS and child friending aren't usually associated.

Oh, I don't know about that. I can occasionally be friendly to children when saddled with the monthly irritants, though every now and then I may strip an infant of its skin and devour the soul within. That's the price you pay for hanging out with a hormonally confused lady, I suppose.

Dylan said...
A GIANT FIRE BREATHING TURTLE IS NEVER THE FRIEND OF CHILDREN.

I hope you're speaking about Gamera and not me and my menstrual cycle, Dylan.



The nerve.

TBG said...
Hi.

I have two questions:

1) Are you looking forward to the 15th?

2) Would you rather beat Downer to death with his own severed leg or with something softer, like a pudding?

Hello, lovely boy.




1) The 15th has been and gone (THINK THESE THINGS THROUGH BEFORE YOU POST YOUR FUCKING QUESTION), and was everything I might have hoped for and more. I was indeed - as you may have guessed - absolutely beside myself 'pre'.




Next date to look forward to? This Sunday 21st. Mark it in your Moleskines.








2) Probably his severed leg. It seems infinitely more satisfying, wouldn't you agree? Although:

Ben said...
I'm not sure that there IS anything softer than bits of Alexander Downer.

Now there's a question for the ages. What could be softer than pieces of Downer? Answers on the back of an envelope, please.

therapy said...


your very own LolHoward

I LOVE YOU.

Enny said...
No question - just wanted to say "You were right! November 24! Just been announced! Hooray!"

http://www.smh.com.au/news/federal-election-2007/howard-calls-it/2007/10/14/1192300575475.html

Gracious, doesn't Sunday seem like a hundred years ago now? A week truly is a long time in politics. Particularly if you're solely responsible for providing Tony Abbott with oral pleasure.

catbrain said...
GAME ON, BITCHES.

Where's that party gonna be?

Party, wake, Bar Mitzvah, it's all up in the air at the moment. Could we not have an Election Hanukkah and say oy vey for getting the shmendrick out of office?

Pellucid said...
That links back to here CB, but you're referring to the now-pending election right? If so, please make up and distribute many 'GAME ON, BITCHES' tees in various styles/sizes kthxbye.

Wait, we really need to get our strategy clear here. Is it game on, bitches? Game on, molls? It's Kevin, bitch? It's Gough time, motherfuckers? Can I see a show of hands please?



An urgent decision is required before launching into these.

catbrain said...
Pellucid, that's an excellent idea, but I'm more the Jeff Koons creative type - I can come up with an idea but someone else will have to execute it. I was thinking of a sketch-type pic of Julia Gillard with nice cursive script underneath, a la Polichicks stylings...

Q2: Dear Ms - how about a Polichicks tee with with a sketch-type pic of Julia.... etc etc?


kisses

Actually, Polichicks has some sweet Gillard-based merch on the way soon. Stay tuned.

The Other Ben said...
Enny,

Doesn't Nov 24th make Ms Fits something like 10 days out? Pretty close even so, but still...

12 days out, actually. And not too shabby an effort if I do say so myself, SINCE I STARTED COUNTING IN 2004.

Anonymous said...
From Wikipedia:

"The 1969 election centred heavily on the two leaders, John Gorton and Gough Whitlam. Both were leading their respective parties in an election for the first time. Gorton had initially been very popular, but he was gaining a reputation for being erratic. Whitlam, by contrast, had reformed the ALP and abandoned unpopular policies such as the once-dominant White Australia Policy, as well as the commitment to socialism still held by many members on the left of the party. He presented a sleek and modern image which was able to win over new voters to his cause. In addition, the Coalition had been in office for 20 years and was seen as becoming tired and unfocused, and there were growing concerns over Australia’s involvement in the Vietnam War. The ALP went into the election with a small caucus and could have a good hope of gaining seats."

The coalition won by 7 seats.

A few parallels?

Take Howard at $2.70 would be my commendation.

And yes, '69 was the Don's Party election.

Will upcoming election parties get ugly too when Howard is reelected? Hell yes!

If Howard is re-elected - IF, my friend, IF - I am planning to strip off like the wicked minx from DP and be chased around the neighbours' swimming pool by a team of naked men. I will then drink myself into a coma. Please switch off my life support when the doctor asks nicely what to do kthx.

elaine said...
hello lovely,

Election date, 24th November. Your ranga's wedding or your own fully fledged election coverage. Is this akin to asking you to choose between Love and politics?

love&c.-

Yes. And I chose love without a moment's hesitation. What does that say about me as a human being?

sim said...
Its been a long while since i wrote here, but the topic of grog had me fumbling for the comments section.
I was stoked to see quite a few people coming out of the woodwork stating that they dont drink or cant drink.But i also noticed that there were some small excuses being made as to why they dont drink as if it were a crime not to.In this country(and most of the anglo-celt places of the world)if you dont drink ,youre treated like some kind of leper.
The typical conversation goes something like..

person "you wanna beer?"

me "no...just a lemonade thanx"

person "........what are you...a poofter or something haw haw haw?"


I have worked in music for about 13 years, and you cant possibly imagine the vacant stares, questions, mistrust, cajoling, peer pressure and ridicule ive faced...all because i dont drink. All because i want to wake up and be more than just operational..

A lot of people seem confused and confronted as to what i could possibly do with my weekends if im not out pissing on.Is there no imagination left?

Ive had the opportunity to work closely with and be part of a support network to people whos lives have been effected by drugs and alcahol(as mine was), and Its amazing how well alcaholics can present.they can hold down good jobs, are often charming and funny and for all intensive purposes are active and successful in the world..But as time goes by things start to slip, usually privately first, then more obviously and publicly..And the negative effects are rarely just limited to themselves...Anyone who has been out with or is family or friends with a heavy drinker(or drug user) can probably identify just how frickn frustrating in can be....
The hard thing to swallow is that alcaholics dont have a choice.Its not like they can just stop, and they rarely realise they have a problem until they are well into their problem...People generally drink excessively to block stuff out,to not feel, and to escape...

There are always other ways to live if you wanna look for them.

I also read the piece on Cam mooney..Probably wont remember much of what could have been the best week in his life...

And yet another vote for Team Sobriety. I continue to straddle the moderation fence (best not to picture such an ungainly activity) and can see both sides. Please admire my generous and even-handed take on the affair.

Grablé said...
Who is hotter: Therese Rein or Janet Howard?

Are you serious, Grablé?











It's a matter of personal taste I guess, but I'd go Therese over Janette any day. For one thing, a woman who is in charge of her own destiny and fortune is well foxier than a noddingly bland gimboid. Also: anything that John Howard has stuck his doodle into automatically loses points in the sexy states. And that includes Pru Goward THAT'S RIGHT I WENT THERE.

anonymous said...
can you give me a good reason to keep on living?

I can give you four off the top of my head, Anon.







1. The sunset at Mindil Beach Market in Darwin



2. The music of Avo Part



3. Literature



4. Hope.






There are plenty more. Seek them out with ravenous hunger. All is far from lost.

BEVIS said...
Here's something I want to know:

What happened to the rest of this questi

Ben Cousins hoovered it up his nose thinking it was 'ice'. He is a drug casualty, you see.

anonymous said...
Can you give me ten reasons to vote Labor?

1. JWH's time is well and truly up.



2.




3. A change is as good as a holiday. Or, in the case of ousting a divisive, fear-driven government, even better.




4.





5. You really want Peter Costello to take over part-way through the next term? Give me a fucking break. Even his wife hates him.




6.





7. K07 - for all his conservatism and cautious politics - is intelligent. Not cunning, not 'a clever politician', not 'wily'. Just fucking smart. I don't know about you, but I could certainly use a dose of brains in charge. We're long overdue.





8. It's time to send a message that race-based politics and money-hungry tactics are a thing of the past. We are a compassionate nation and I believe it's time we started voting like one.






9. The ALP are fresh and pliable. We will hold them accountable.







10.



Oh, come on. You really want this guy to win again? Him? Look at his gormless mug. HE MUST BE PUNISHED.

Ben said...
Why are they called fantapants anyway? Shouldn't they be called fantaheads? I feel a bond, as I too am enamoured of one of a flame-haired persuasion, albeit a Canadian one who has never heard of me.

I wouldn't object to your foul language. I'd probably quite like it.

I have begun an election guide for those uninformed and thirsting for guidance on the complex issues confronting voters, at my livejournal. People should read it if they really want to be erudite.

Assuming you're interested (and why wouldn't you be?), I've had quite a good week this week, in terms of recognition and prizemoney. So that's nice.

On the other hand (and this is leading to a question), my father moved out of his home this week; my parents have finally broken up. I am quite worried for my father's state of mind and what he might do, as he is terribly depressed. As for the split itself, I feel quite numb and weary, and grateful I live in Melbourne, a step removed from the actual events. And also guilty for just wanting to shut myself off from it. I am hopeful my father feels better when he talks to me, but I am very bad at discussing emotional issues with my parents.

Do you find it easy to have deep and meaningful conversations with your parents? Does it even really matter what I say or do?

Sorry to be so sombre. Your blog seems to be a useful outlet for people to sort out their thoughts about troubling matters, though.

But to lighten the mood before we go: did you ever used to read The Famous Five?

1. I don't wish to be uncouth, but I do wish you'd cast your mind to the pants area of our beloved ginger cousins. They are called Fantapants because THE CARPET MATCHES THE CURTAINS DO YOU GET MY DRIFT.


Also: Chutney crutch. That one belongs to my friend Mitch. You may share it.




2. I'm genuinely sorry to hear about your folks, Ben. And yes - it's incredibly confronting to witness our parents struggling with daily human emotions. I'm lucky enough to have a relatively frank and open relationship with mine, and have spent more than one occasion sitting around a dinner table with myriad bottles of wine spilling some deep and dark business out for discussion. It's a tricky path, as there's certainly such a thing as over-sharing...and though a certain raw quality is important, they should always - in some regards - remain a parent.


Try to be a support for your father in small ways - just call to say hello, fly over and take him out for a beer; register your presence. If he wants to talk, be open to it. It's difficult terrain to negotiate but I have no doubt you're capable of being a rock for the man who brought you into the world.




3. I did, but I privately preferred the b-grade version - Five Find-Outers And Dog. Yes, that's really what it was called. It was like Enid Blyton's demo tape. Does anyone else remember this motley crue of funsters or am I the saddest act in all the land?

a nonny mouse said...
Can you give me five?

To the side.

Up high.

Down low...

Too slow.

You got me a blinder there, Anon. DON'T I LOOK THE FOOL.



**************************************



There's a few more, but I'll get to them in my own sweet time - today our transaction is complete. I'm heading up north tomorrow for a road trip with the Siam Sunset, so do forgive me if my week of blogging is sporadic. It'll be all that sunshine and kissing making me dizzy.



Leave your questions for next week in the comments below. And Kevin, if you're reading -







DON'T












FUCK












IT












UP.






36 days til the next election.

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