Reasons you will hate me

Friday q and a.

Help! Friday questions went missing! It must have been sometime between staying up all night with rock royalty in Torquea and staggering to the airport to pick up hot photographers. Anyway, I'm here now. Let's start this lengthy task. I'm warning you, there's a fuckload of questions. Don't blame me for being diligent/loving too much.


Anonymous said...

Dear Ms Fits,
WIll you marry me and have my babies?


Firstly, I'm already married. How would you feel about having a child born out of wedlock? Secondly, I only want one baby. Could you compromise? Thirdly, who the fuck are you?


NB. Answering the third question may affect the outcome of our romance.


Djali said...

Do you think I am a boy? Everyone seems to think I am a boy because of my name.
And you are from the Fitzroyal area aren't you? I just assumed, you know...


Actually, you're right. I had presumed you were 'with penis'. I do apologise. But no, I don't think you should change your name. Not now, after we've started building up a relationship. What would happen if some virtual stranger waltzed in and began leaving comments in your regular pithy style? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SOMEONE STOLE YOUR IDENTITY AND KISSED YOUR BOYFRIEND ON THE BOTTOM.

You really ought to think these things through.

I am not from Fitzroy. Though clearly, judging from my appearance, it is my spiritual home.


Zoe said...

Dear Ms Fits
I have been tossing this over in my mind ever since Christie made her thoughts clear in BBO5, and perhaps you can help - is an electric toothbrush to be preferred to a purpose built vibrator for stimulating one's woman parts?


Absolutely not. Are you honestly telling me you are considering the sex advice of a borderline retarded knuckle-dragger who physically resembles the Paddle Pop Lion? An electric toothbrush is only to be used as a veejay stimulator if
a) You're experimenting
b) You're odd
c) You're TRAPPED INSIDE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE TO USE.

Vibrators are sweet. Look at all the pretty lights and accessories that come with them now. They're like Barbie. I want one with shiny shoes and a porsche.



Nat x said...

Ms Fits
How do you kill a cockroach in a way that exhibits the most 'yippee-kai-ay mother fucker' but also the least pain to recipient?


Oh boy. Are you from Sydney? You guys have way more experience with cockroaches than we do.

I'd say if you want to get all Chuck Norris on your cockroach, you do a little groundwork, find out where he likes to hang out, who his friends are, what's important to him. One by one you start fucking with his head, pulverising his grandma, his disco, his motorised scooter. When he least expects it, wait by his bed as he sleeps and roundhouse kick him in the face as he opens his eyes.

It's that or a smokeout. Your choice.


Anonymous said...

The toenail on my second toe (the longer one, which is PERFECTLY NORMAL) on my right foot fell off last night. It's been white and dead looking for a while since a rather nasty stubbing incident about two months ago. However - the internet tells me that the main cause of toenails turning white and falling off is a fungal condition, and the next door neighbour toe has been a little wrong for a few months. So should I go to the doctor? Will my toenail grow back? Should I join a leper colony, and if so, are there associated tax breaks of which I should be aware?
signed, UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!


Oh my god. ARE YOU PEOPLE ASKING ME MEDICAL ADVICE? Why would I know the answer to this question? Is it because you've seen my freakishly large big toe and want to talk footsies with me? Are we being kinky right now?

Go to the doctor. Tell him you've really done your research by googling your condition and ASKING A COMPLETE STRANGER'S ADVICE ON THE INTERNET, but you're still dissatisfied with the results. At the very least you'll get a nice pedicure and a man will rub your feet with caring frowns.



Joseph said...

So what are you listening to, Fits?


Lots of Gold 104. Which means also entertaining murderous thoughts whenever snippets of early morning fucktards Grubby and DeeDee are forced over the airways.

I have also been stuck in 2005 land, getting caught up in the Drones and Kings of Leon. My best friend's itunes, as she has impeccable taste in music.



Retail Junkie said...

Would it be too much to ask for a decent place to go? Seeing as you seem to know all about waxing and waxing parlours and the whole etiquette aound it.


Are you in Melbourne?

DO NOT GO TO VA'TAK ON ST. GEORGES ROAD IN NORTHCOTE.

Aside from that, my beloved Gabi tells me '4 Me' on High street (also Northcote) is really good and cheap. Apparently 'Mademoiselle' is good too, but I have been sternly informed that one MUST ASK FOR PEGGY or else run the risk of a WORK EXPERIENCE WAX.

I have heard the word 'oops' one too many times whilst having a hot wax-coated vj. I will not allow it to happen again.



The Pastel Jude said...

Ms Fitters,
I also go for many walks (and runs) down Merri Creek. As I do not at all know what you look like, I think the best possible course of action for all concerned is for you to smile widely at every man you see, even if they are accompanied by someone who is very obviously their partner*, so that I (and all of the others) will know that it is you....

*For example, if you come across two young men, and one is utilising his mouth upon the other young man's dingaling, you should still smile at them, despite the probability that they will likely be A; involved with one another in some capacity, and B: behind some bushes...

Yes, this isn't really a question, so here's a quick one - is it legitimate to wish a violent and medieval-style death upon the Nicholson Street tram drivers, who always close their doors and drive when I'm RIGHT FUCKING THERE?


Wait just one cotton-pickin' minute there young man. ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU ARE A RATHER RUDE BOY WHO LETS OTHER BOYS DO RATHER RUDE THINGS TO YOU IN THE BUSHES AT MERRI CREEK?

And in addition to that, ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT I INTERRUPT YOUR RATHER RUDE BUSINESS SO WE MAY SMILE AND SAY HELLO?


I have actually been trying to smile pleasantly at people I pass on Merri Creek since first reading this question (haven't come across any frantic bumsexing as yet, more's the pity) but everyone seems to be regarding me as highly deranged and giving me a wide berth. No-one cares much for polite young ladies these days.

As for the second part of your question, yes. It is very legitimate. Also you must shake your fist (not the one that has been involved in the rudeness).



cuntman said...

Does Bob Ellis (and I mean the humanoid Bob Ellis) know about this thing you have for him/his work?
How do you think/hope he would respond if he did?


I think he's been made pretty aware of it. I have met him a couple of times. He was friends with my grandfather, so I have an 'in' before being carted away by security.

What he makes of it I have no idea. Possibly he sees me as some sort of foul-mouthed, poor quality tv-making irritant who namedrops him at every possible juncture and brings disrepute upon his family.

I don't know if he reads this blog. I don't know if he saw my tv show. I find it really quite difficult to convey that my adoration of him is purely to do with his remarkable prose, cunning brain and blind political passion. I am aware he is a flawed individual and also I do not want to touch his genitals.


Last time I went to a book launch of his, he smiled very benignly and twinkled his eyes when I told him that Bob Ellis the dog was outside. Then he calmly motioned for security to have me removed from Readings.



Frou Frou said...

Dear Ms Fits
Do you ever get bored?


Not if I have a book. Luckily I carry one with me at all times. My anti-social habit of reading at the dinner table rightfully continues to infuriate my friends and loved ones.


Anonymous said...

I keep having fantasies about a three-way with you and your best friend. Is this wrong? There is more than enough of me to go around, but I would probably be too nervous to actually ask you about it if I saw you.


If that's you Hector from The Sailors, FIND MY PHONE NUMBER AND CALL ME.

Of course I jest.

What do you mean, 'there is more than enough of me to go around'? Are you trying to be coy and suggest you have a gargantuan cock, or are you a big fatty that Gabi and I are going to bounce around on like a flesh trampoline?

Anyway, I'm presuming from the tone of your question that you know us. I asked Gabi and she shrugged and said 'sure, why not'. So don't be nervous. Make yourself seen.


p.s. If this is either of our boyfriends, forget about it.



Non-Anon said...

How many men can you be sleeping with at the same time (but not simultaneously!) before you are considered a slutty slutty ho ho?
And how many times can you say "I don't usually fuck on a first date" before fucking the person you are on the first date with before it becomes a lie?


Slutty Slutty Ho Ho? I LOVE THIS. May I use it?

I don't know if I'm the best person to ask about this. I have had times in the past where I have been sleeping with four different men and didn't feel at all like a Slutty Slutty Ho Ho(TM). However, if I were to date Fred Nile (and let's face it, it's a DISTINCT POSSIBILITY), he may be displeased with my sexual meanderings and BEAT ME WITH A BROOMSTICK WHILST SHOUTING 'FILTH! FILTH'.

You should be able to gauge the feeling of your paramours, I suppose. And who are you worried about really? If my mother considered me a Slutty Slutty Ho Ho(TM) I would be most upset, but if the man from the Goggomobile commercials started spouting off about my harlot status I couldn't give a fucking finger.

re: the second part of your question. Stop telling people you don't usually fuck on the first date. You are a Slutty Slutty Ho Ho. Just keep putting out if it feels right.



nicedream said...

if you are sleeping with someone who says you can sleep with other people and they don't want a relationship then are you obliged to tell them when you do sleep with other people?
also, why do we all think you are a relationship expert?


Firstly - no. It's none of their business. And if they don't want a relationship then they have no right to get sniffy when you start handing out sweet ass to others.

Secondly - I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. Do you not realise the sordid state of my romantic liaisons? I have a failed marriage. I have had affairs. I have been a messy fucking toerag and dragged others into my debacles. And yet I am being invited to pass judgement on your most private of love issues. IF HILLARY SWANK AND CHAD LOWE CAN'T MAKE IT, WHAT HOPE DO THE REST OF US HAVE.



Agent FareEvader said...

Would you do me the honour of parking your tushie on my lap again for half an hour like that infamous time you did it to me in March of 2005? And would you wear the polka-dot skirt again when you do it with the thigh-boots and the red fishnets?



Yes. Will you give me a little kiss again too? You got a purdy mouth.





Anonymous said...

I'm currently on a mission to sleep with every woman on my blogroll. I'm well into it and have made significant progress but I need to do you to keep things moving along. When is convenient?


Wednesdays and Thursdays are usually better for me.

Which bloggers have you managed to lure into your hotbed of lust, then? Are you not afraid that they may catch wind of your plans and smite you via a series of vicious and heartbroken posts? Who was worth it? Who wasn't? Your secrets are safe with me.

I have slept with two bloggers and kissed many more. The main difference between them and regular people is that they can go home and write what a sweet lay/tongue you were and then post it for the world to see. BE CAREFUL, ANON.


Anonymous said...

Would you be up for this if you had the chance?
(A woman dated 150 people in a year as she went out with everyone who asked her.)


You know what, I might. I like the idea of using one's life as an art project, and this seemed to be a pretty fascinating (and do-able) proposal.

That said, I asked my boyfriend and he said no. HOW UPTIGHT CAN YOU GET.



Joseph said...

Christ. Who'd have thought 90% of the anonymous RYWHM readership was sweaty teenage boys?


I was hoping, Joseph. Dare to dream.



Anonymous said...

So how Big is Kranki? and by big I mean length AND width.... Would it hurt?
xxgirlygirl


It would depend how big your vagina is, girlygirl.

You know, while I've bathed and swum naked with Kranki a couple of times now, I can't say I took a really detailed look at his package. It might have made him uncomfortable, and also Matty may have punched him in the nose. Having said that, he's pretty in proportion and I've seen 'shapes' when he's mimed making the fuck, so I'd say you'd be sweetly satisfied. Unless you were like cavernous veejay woman or something and he had to send a canary in first up.



Anonymous said...

If you married Sime Nugent three times, why is he still your ex-husband?
People need to know: what are your sources for the collection of kooky costumes?


We had a wedding a year, and did it theme-style. The first was in a forest. The second was an over-the-top bad taste wedding where I wore a drag queen veil and he dressed like Prince Charles circa 1984. The third was Japanese.

He's technically still my husband because we've decided not to get a divorce. Unless one of us wants to marry someone else for visa reasons or something like that, we want to remain wed. It's a little strange I guess (and difficult for subsequent partners to get used to), but I still love him desperately even though we're not together anymore.

The majority of my costumes come from the Rose Chong garage sale and op-shops.




Sherriff said...

Is it wrong to have murderous thoughts about bloggers who keep trying to lure your partner into lascivious trysts?


Not at all. I have had much experience dealing with bloggers trying to lure my partner into lascivious trysts, and while entertaining thoughts of death/stabbings/mutilation are briefly satisfying, I've found it easier just to let go and relax.

Your partner must be really hot if that kind of thing is taking place. Lucky you.


morgan said...

lovely fits,
would you attend a special dinner party i'm considering hosting at mine (see my craigslist post for details) or alternatively would you consider hosting said dinner party at your place and inviting me?


Oh, fuck. I saw that picture over at your blog and I INSIST on attending. When shall we do it?

p.s. I am not having that nakie man anywhere near my house. I fear his dangling testicles may traumatise my dog.



Adam 1.0 said...

If you get another show on TV can you get the following people a gig in it please?
* Nudge from Hey Dad
* Ian Turpie
* Ernie Sigley
* Rob Brough from Family Feud


WHY, ADAM 1.0? WHY???



hell said...

if you woke up sunday morning to a message from two people you have crushes on telling you they'd like to do things to you, would it be wrong to just smile shyly, blush and then show the boy you're in bed with....?


Yes, it would be desperately wrong. The better thing to do would be to get out of bed, make your apologies to the lovely boy, and head towards the crush people for some wild sinnin'. I'm sure if he were any kind of gentleman he'd understand you were just sowing oats/swinging from chandeliers/being polite.



la nadine said...

who should i make the hot sex with next?
TELL ME, WOMAN, TELL ME WHAT TO DO!






Manda said...

Am I the only person who enjoyed Crash/Burn?


According to the ratings, possibly. I didn't really see much of it, but what I saw I didn't find offensive. It's better than fucking Deal Or No Deal, at least. WHY IS THAT MAN STILL ON TELEVISION.



mindlessmunkey said...

Dear Ms Fits,
I have an irrational hatred of cotton-wool balls. The very thought of one of those nasty little things touching my skin, fills me with a nauseating torrent of fear and disgust.
Do you have any similarly irrational aversions to everyday objects?


Does poor spelling and punctuation on restaurant menus count?

You know, my beloved Danny Katz has a hatred of cotton-wool also. You should write to him about it. I fucking bet he would have some kind of dry and carefully-worded rejoinder that you could memorise and claim as your own at mixed gatherings.


Anonymous said...

also..
What is your favourite girl on girl website...
xxgirlygirl


You mean like lesbonic sexuals? I know it's not really girl on girl, but I still think Suicide Girls are hot. Also if I want to get a fix for free ladyfuck vision I go to Ask Jolene and download free porn. Some of the clips are only about twenty seconds, but if you loop it enough you can come eventually.



Anonymous said...

Why is sex so important?


Is it, though? Sure, there's been a great deal of discussion about it in the questions preceding. But important to whom? The world? Your dentist? Ron Jeremy?

I think sex is as important as you make it. It can be an incredibly unifying experience, and occasionally so beautiful and physically raw it can make you cry. Also it can be hot and sweaty and vicious. But there are also other things in life. Like Castello white mould cheese. And Parcheesi.



Anonymous said...

i'm moving in the name of love and the whims of my partner's employer from sydney to melbourne. being a darlinghurst/potts point sort, where should we hitch our wagon?


I would say anywhere around Fitzroy is colourful, and eight hundred dollars cheaper than fucking Sydney rental prices. North Fitzroy is quieter, but still with excellent coffee. East Brunswick is taking off. Collingwood has its danger areas but is mostly good.

God bless you for your love and commitment. Do let us all know when and how you settle.



Here are some questions about my Swingers party.

Anonymous said...

I am curious (fellow). Did you actually have sex with anyone or did you just watch?

Litahnee said...

I was going to ask the same question anon, but felt I was just being pervy and getting my jollies via someone else's life.
So didja? At the swinger's party that is.
Oh, and was the perfume el cheapo or top shelf?

Anonymous said...

DIDJA GET A ROOT OR F'N WOT?
xxShanexx


I had sex, briefly, with my partner. It seemed like the done thing to do, but we both kept laughing and decided to stop.

I also smoked a couple of poles.


duk said...

Dear Fits,
But was it a GOOD experience? Are you glad you went?


Absolutely. Now that the fear has passed, I can look at it as a fucking hilarious life experience. I doubt very highly that I will ever go to another one again, but at the very least I am going to fucking dine out on the story until it gets tired.

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. I think.


Anonymous said...

How do you know the date of the next election and why didn't you get "spermlines" into your tattoo?


I don't know the exact date of the next election. I just made a rough guess at the last one and will adjust numbers accordingly when fuckface decides to throw his next party.

Why didn't YOU get spermlines into YOUR tattoo, wisey?



Anonymous said...

You mentioned once that you have a porn video collection. What are they? As in titles.


The Reincarnation of Don Juan
Gang Bang Nymphettes
Liquid Assets
White Coral
Chorus Call
Kamy's 19th Birthday Gangbang
Freaknic
The Duke of Knockers
Bush Whackers
Large Natural Breasted #2
Buttman Back In Rio
Domination Nation Two
Texas Longhorn
Fuckholes
Body Builders on Heat #6
White Chocolate #1

There are more in the laundry but I can't be bothered digging them out right now. It's too fucking hot.


Jess said...

Dear Ms Fits,Can you shed any insight into the Faustian pact with the Devil himself which has led to a SEQUEL to BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE being released in this country? Who can we blame?Also, blue dress... white shoes?Finally, on the topic of follicle removal, something which seems dear to the hearts of your readers (along with swinger party fisting) - I have never been waxed by a professional. Are they judgemental types? Will I get a cup of tea? On the eve of turning twenty five, is it too late to start?Sorry for the many questions but my mind is always running and the world is a curious and intriguing place.Yours,Richie x


1. Big Momma's House 2 - there is no fucking god.
2. That should be fine.
3. They are not judgemental at all. They have seen everything there is to see. Don't panic.
4. Yes.
5. Not at all. Though you are already perfect in my estimation.x
6. Isn't it though?

Sublime-ation said...

OK I've got a serious political question: seeing as I don't think Beazley's ever gonna make it, who do you think should run for PM from the Labour side? Lindsay Tanner? Would you ever consider doing it?


Definitely Tanner. DEFINITELY. HE IS THE SHINING HOPE FOR THE ALP, PEOPLE. MARK MY WORDS.

We need to get on his case, fast.

I would never consider entering politics. Can you but imagine the day Peter Costello comes to the Senate with that shit-eating grin and a copy of my blog archives?

That said, I could always fashion myself as one of those baps-out politicians like Cicciolina.


richardwatts said...

What is the appropriate outfit to wear when your normally reliable home-delivering dealer says "Sorry dude I can't swing by your place tonight; can you meet me at Misty at midnight?"


I think Adam 1.0 answered this question beautifully when he said 'a police uniform'. I would add 'with the arse cut out', but that's just my personal opinion.


Anonymous said...

As a woman, i've found it very difficult to have meaningful relationships with other women without them suddenly getting huffy and stopping talking to me. is there some secret friendship code i'm not privy too? should you pursue a platonic girlfriend the way you would a young man? you seem to have lovely friendships, what's your secret?SOB (sick of boys)


What are you doing to make them get huffy? Are you trying to touch their boyfriend's doodles or sending them photos of yourself in your underwear? In my experience, that usually serves as an irritant for long-suffering girlfriends.

It took me a while to find girlfriends, as I usually gravitated towards boys as friends. Nowadays though, I have incredibly strong female friendships. I love the garbled seagull sound a room full of women makes. It makes me happy.

I used to run into trouble with girl friendships because I'm bad at calling people or catching up. The ladies I've forged the best paldom with tend to be those with a strong sense of self...we can have the most intense of times together and then not see each other for months and it's all back on. Anyone needing constant phonecalling and 'upkeep' tends to get cross with me and move on. Oh well. It's their loss. I am quite a nice person.



Post your questions for next Friday below.

xx


658 days til the next election.

34 comments.