Guess what's wrong with me.
The other night my mother propelled me along to her favourite Medical Intuitive.
I really had scant idea of what this person would do. I only knew that my mother was 'really into' her and that she 'wasn't like other doctors'.
Me: So what is she again exactly?
Mum: She's a Medical Intuitive.
Me: Isn't that just...guessing?
Mum: Stop it.
Me: I mean, intuition...what's she going to do, stare at me and tell me I have asthma?
Mum: She's wonderful. Stop it.
So I went, as I clearly love my mother very much even though she is occasionally into some fruity new-wave spirit business which involves pictures of wolves and strange-smelling candles.
The session itself was fairly unremarkable apart from a few vaguely interesting exchanges with the grand, salty-haired lady seated before me in a dimly lit room.
Her: So why are you here?
Me: (making light) My mum made me come.
Her: (eyeing me archly) Well. I don't treat people who don't want to be here. So if you don't want to be here, you may as well go home. You're wasting my time and your own.
Me: .......
Her: Well?
Me: (chastened) I was only kidding.
Her: Hm.
Of course, things hardly improved when I told her that my mother had once taken me to an aura cleanser - which I admitted I found to be a 'crock' - and she then punctuated the session by sitting me on a wooden stool, clearing my 'base chakra', and waving her arms around me in a fashion not dissimilar to someone shooing some kind of spiritual fly. I was mortified, and deeply apologetic.
Me: When I said a crock...
Her: Shh.
This was no ordinary doctor's session. Cara kept referring to her 'team', and once, when I was in the middle of talking, she looked sharply to her direct left and said loudly:
- Sorry guys, I didn't catch that.
Guys?
Oh. Her spirit guides.
OF COURSE.
Me: So I'm fixable?
Her: Everyone's fixable.
Me: That's a relief.
Her: (as an afterthought) Well, not everyone.
Me: Oh?
Her: I had a couple of people who weren't fixable.
Me: What was wrong?
Her: They died the next day.
Me: Oh.
Her: Some people just have death within them.
Me: I see.
Strangely, a day after this intense and candlelit session - which borderlined on slightly too ooga-booga for a foldy-armed cynic like myself - I feel amazing. My head and eyes are clearer and my brain is almost functioning.
Even if she did send a spirit guide out to sit with me for 72 hours, I'm okay with that. I'm always happy to make an extra cup of tea.
513 days til the next election.
Comments
You spirit guide is waking you up ridiculously early.
Those were my thoughts as well Fluffy.
What happens after 72 hours is up and the spirit guide leaves you? Do you return to Average Land?
Is this her way of getting repeat business?
It sounds to me like she's really a spiritual chiropractor...
It's even more awkward when one's own dear mother does a few incense-burning arm-waving chakra-cleansing courses and thinks she can heal you.
She has the framed certificates and an earnest look in her eye. What can a daughter say?
What's her going rate for an intuiting session?
See, people complain about having to pay $50 to see a GP, who might actually tell them what is wrong with them, of which they get $30-40 back from Medicare epending on where they live, yet will pay a lot more than $50 to get 'intuited' without blinking.
Sorry, that's pretty right-wing, we should all be going to free bulk-billing clinics, shouldn't we?
oooga boooga glad you feel better i need some kinda healing too though we all know i'm not going to an intuitive as my mum is even more of a foldy-armed cynic than me...
when i get *that* feeling, i need ooga booga intuitive healing ...
*cues sultry guitar and father shooting me in the head*
Or...
Chemists' Own (!) Cold/flu tablets.
I had 4 this morning with espresso, double sugar (exam dosage). Not only do I no longer have a cold, I'm certain that I can cure others with my presence.
And run faster than God.
Tell me, please tell me, you watched Penn & Tellers "Bullshit" on Tuesday night? The show is superb and the double ep looked at mediums and alternate medicine... which this woman appears to be both if,
So.. what WAS actually wrong with you? (I'm assuming you didn't have death within you as you appear to be still around.....)
ruby, I'M CRYING. with laughter about marvin gaye. why is it so much funnier that you put in a reference to his grizzly death? i don't know. it just is.
Great. Can she help me with my flu? Must...get...better...by....Saturday.
*sneezes*
sublime ... me too. Stupid cold.
we have a witch we go to. she calls herself a naturopath but i am certain she would have been drowned in the old days. she has done things for us i would never have believed. i recommend her to others and they have all been amazed by her.
i use her as a complement to conventional medicine. which is funny because i actually think her brand of healing is the conventional one.
I once had my aura cleansed and it gave me the worst headache I've ever had in my life.
I prefer a dirty aura anyway.
I'm not sure whether Ms Fits' spirit guide is waking her up early or whether her class A support is keeping her up very late.
Sorry Three "hers" in one sentence. Does anyone know of a new age cure for poor grammar?
It's times like this I need a good styptic to stop me passing out due to blood loss from wounds in my tongue inflicted by my own teeth.
I have no faith in non contact medicine. I am told this is why it won't work for me. Yes, duh, any effect is likely to be psychological, rather than an actual improvement in my physical health.
If I'm sick I do one of two things. I wait it out. Or I go to a quack for some drugs. Or to ensure nothing important is going to drop off, then wait it out.
The bit I love about "alternative medicine" is that unless you are terminal, you will get better even if you do nothing. So it often seems to work. But so does doing nothing, which is cheaper.
Yeah yeah yeah, cynical scientician. Just give me the damn pills, doc.
i love your crowd. pharmo's, sicko's, healers, new age hopefuls and doubting scientists...
I have a nice lump your intuitive intuitist might be able to help with.
A ganglion on my foot.
My GP said, "You can have it operated on, we can poke a needle in it and drain it .... or you can go home and whack it really hard with the family bible. Or you can just leave it and it will eventually go away just like it arrived."
Being a heathen, ain't got no family bible.
And besides ... I kinda like it. Not everyone has one. And it lights up nicely when my kids shine a torch on it!
But do you reckon the intuitive intuitist would just KNOW it was there if I went to see her WITH MY SHOES ON?!?
aARrghhhhhhhhh.
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