Reasons you will hate me

GUEST POSTER #6 - LA NADINE

(RYWHM says: I have stuck my toe up the bum of Nadstown in a spa and lived to tell the tale. We blog-stalked each other to the point of weirdness, and when we met we pretended to get married. I love the way she writes. I also love her soul.)

britney's nadine's letter of truth

dear fans and friends of ms fits,

how are you all? good? that's good.

please allow me to introduce myself.

oh, you think you know me, do you? you've seen me commenting on this blog before, haven't you? you've been over to nadstown a few times and now you think you have me all figured out? well i've got news for you all;

Y'ALL DON'T KNOW ME! Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW!

*snaps fingers and jolts head in the style typical of those negro women on that jerry springer show*

yup, that's right, just like some bad eighties movie in which some pathetic little nerd boy dresses up as a hot chick to get the girl of his dreams, i have been fooling you all.

truth is i'm really a Liberal voting, freedom loving, big brother hating VIRGIN.

i shave my armpits daily. i have no tattoos. i wear sensible shoes. i shop at portmans. i love easy listening music. i abhor alcohol. i won't eat carbs after 9am. i have a dog with a normal dogs name. i drive a brand new volvo. i buy battery farm eggs. i love john howard. i respect amanda vanstone. i support mandatory detention. i believe abortion is murder. i have never, ever had perverse sexual thoughts about a woman. and i have never once touched myself in my special place.

how do you like me now, huh?

for the past year i have been living a lie, pretending like i am one of you. acting like i give a darn about your stupid tree-hugging bleeding heart lefty causes. and participating in all sorts of sinful activities for which i will surely burn in hell.

i know what you're thinking. you're wondering "why would she bother?" and\or "what's her deal?"

well, the answer is simple. about a year ago the minister at my church gave a sermon about this promiscuous potty-mouthed tv writer woman who was spreading hate and filth across the internet through something called a "blog".

i was horrified. "who would do such a terrible thing?" i thought. "does she hate freedom?" i also thought. "and what's she doing having a job when she should be at home cooking and cleaning and having babies and stuff?"

luckily i was sitting between uncle peter and brother guy at the time. they informed me - through song - that the female in question lives in melbourne and goes by the ridiculous alias "ms fits".

"she is evil" sang uncle peter.

"she must be stopped" crooned brother guy

"how do you solve a problem like ms fits?" bellowed the hillsong unnamed church's gospel choir.

then uncle peter dared me to "take the femmo bitch down". then brother guy double dared me times infinity. and no good hillsong unnamed church girl can refuse a double dare times infinity.

i blogged. i whored. i blog-whored. i spun a web of lies more complicated than tom and katie's "love fest".

and you have no idea how hard it has been for me.

all the rock concerts and music festivals and backstage passes and fancy restaurants and spa parties and pash parties and touching and groping and kissing and licking.

it's been awful. JUST AWFUL!

i mean, until i met ms fits and her posse of perverts, i had never even seen a man's ding dong (except for the time i accidentally walked in on daddy in the shower - you may have read about it in the 'how embarrassment' section of the march 1998 issue of girlfriend). and no boy had ever seen my hoo hoo.

but now not only have i seen all manner of genitalia, i now have no qualm about stripping naked in front of a group of near strangers, jumping in a spa and letting them tongue kiss me and touch my baps as they please.

GOSH DARN IT ALL, I EVEN USED THE WORD 'BAPS' IN MY EVERY DAY VERNACULAR! WILL I EVER EXPEL THE SIN FROM THIS TAINTED VESSEL I CALL MY BODY?

i give up. i am conceding defeat. i don't even care that it means i have to give brother guy all my haircare products and be uncle peter's slave for a whole month. it's better than having to endure one more day as la nadine and running the risk of participating in one more online conversation about my wondrous breasts.

my body's nobody's body but mine.

goodbye forever.

sister nads x

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