Happy Vomitrons Day.
Every year I sit down for a long and involved peruse through the Herald Sun Valentine's Day 'Messages of Love' liftout, and every year I pretty much end up wanting to puke my spleen. Mostly because I am privately sad nobody bothers to call me FrostyFruitpopsyjopsy and cover me in wordkisses, but also due to the frankly heinous outpouring of bad spelling and kinky weirdness within. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE.
I'll tell you.
1. ' CLIFF
Happy Valentine's Day Babe!!! Just letting the world know how much I love you. Thanks for a great 16 years of marriage and thanks for making me a better person by having you by my side.
Love you forever
- your Spunky wife Gayle
PS, Even though you now have a Harley I hope I'm still the best ride you have ever had.'
Firstly, you don't write the word 'spunky' with a capital S. Particularly not if you're referring to yourself, you vain harlot.
Secondly - THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH OUT OF YOU, LITTLE MISS SHARE-TOO-MUCH.
2. 'DAN wif been thru an emotional roller coaster ova the yrs & come thru it battered but still together. U & I are meant to be forever together Stef xxx'
I weep for the future of this nation, I really do.
3. 'FLOSSY - Despite what has happened between us, if we could ever forget the past, we would have made it forever my love for you will always last, I am sorry I hurt you, I wish you could feel my pain, maybe you will realize one day and let me love you and my daughter again - T'
The ones referring to major fuck-ups and cheating and hurt always make me sad as I am slightly emotional at the moment and want only the best for these faceless cads, but seriously - he's talking about seeing his child again in poorly constructed verse. There's something eight shades of wrong about this.
4. 'Helen-Mary
My precious Helen, in 1973 I lost you darling and I lost your love, but not a day goes by that I don't tell you that I love you.
Everyday my heart cries out for your love, but knows it will never come.
Each day in sadness I whisper your name. Every night I lay awake, thinking of you until my heart cries itself to sleep. I know I will never see you again my darling Helen, but I will love you until the day I die.
Your perfume Fidji keeps you near me always.
- Your loving sweetpea G xx'
Me: Weird. Do you think she's dead?
Dan: I fucking hope so.
5. 'JEN
I will always jut u no matta wat tru! I can't live without u in my life. Ur my everything xx'
It took me ages to figure this one out. Wtf does 'jut u' mean?
Eventually after playing with predictive text we decided he was trying to say 'luv' and just fucked it up. I probably shouldn't feel sorry for someone so idiotic that they didn't bother to proof-read their Herald Sun Message of Love before sending it in, but then I imagined him opening the paper with a bright and expectant smile only to realise what had happened and it made me feel a bit sick in the heart.
6. 'KELLIE
You hurt me but 1 day I will 4give. I just take longer to heal. Happy Valentine's Day. Ur kiwi muffin.'
And in the interim I will post vaguely threatening and emotionally stunted messages in the paper, prodding away at your guilt.
7. 'Maddison
We have great times together and will have lots more to come.
Love always - Dad.'
To be filed under 'don't think about it for too long lest you raise a hand to your mouth in horror'.
8. 'MYSPUNK
You are one unique women. I love you deeply and think of you constantly. You are always on my mind. Bubby.'
For:
a) Creative twist on Myspace.
b) Mercifully brief.
Against:
a) 'One unique women'?? See me after class, you fucking idiot.
b) IF YOU ARE 'THINKING OF HER CONSTANTLY' THEN CLEARLY SHE IS 'ALWAYS ON YOUR MIND' AND YOU MIGHT HAVE SAVED YOURSELF SOME CHANGE THERE, CHUMP.
c) Any grown man referring to themselves as 'Bubby' doesn't deserve to get laid.
Ever.
9. 'NIKKI
I got blamed for letting it die. Wonder u cared when u were happy with some other guy? Piece of me died every time! Still, Loved U and never lied! Should hold my head up high, yet..I'm one still with scars...When you deserve it, I'm sure you'll have a Happy Valentine's.'
Remember kids, cheating doesn't pay.
p.s. I mostly included this because the exclamation marks tickle me in hard to reach places.
Feel free to post your messages to loved ones below. Hope you're somewhere out there being squeezed inappropriately, romantics of RYWHM.
269 days til the next election.
Comments
'One unique women'?? See me after class, you fucking idiot.
Ah, hilarious.
Still, one of the better qualities of love is that it's not restricted to those who've tamed the language.
Ah yes. No 7 from Dad reminded me of a valentine published by step dad to a friend of mine. She was so upset as he was an abuser. They have a very thick hide.
a valentines poem from a friend:
'roses are red,
violets are blue,
oi gehveh,
you're a big jew.'
my heart a-melted.
Not everyone is lucky enough to be brought up in a good family and be given a good education. And some of those spellings may well be the result of trying to save a line of classified space to save a few bucks. It never ceases to amaze me how some who identify with the Labor party like to mock those they consider beneath them. The sort of people on whom that party was built. I like you, Fits, but I'm not with you on this one.
oh tree of knowledge.... it is perfectly acceptable for Fits to mock those that must spell using the language of text. IT IS HER BLOG. and I too weep for the future when 'wuv' is a commonly used 'word'.
oh bloody hell tree of knowledge(prat name) lighten up this is clearly one of the best posts Ms Fits has done in a while.
Tree of knowledge, I'd write you a valentine poem, but your name doesn't work well in iambic pentameter. And I wouldn't want you to make shallow political judgements about me just cos I'm mocking you.
AND I QUOTE!
Jess,
A chocolate with any other name would not taste so sweet. Love like a flame on the Victorian countryside burns for you today and always.
*****
Man, I am so whinging about being single on air every week. I've walked away with a long piece of wire bent into the shape of a love heart with an arrow spelling out "Love Ya Jess" AND a bunch of chocolate roses today.
Not nearly as miserable a Feb 14th as I expected. Woot!
x
but then I imagined him opening the paper with a bright and expectant smile only to realise what had happened and it made me feel a bit sick in the heart
Good god Fitz, you are a dash emotional at the moment. Around this time of the year, I like to remind myself of my favourite poem from Hoffenstein:
"When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, Wretched,
bored, dejected;
only here's the rub, my darling dear,
I feel the same when you're near."
The most alarming thing about these declarations of lurv is that these people will root like rabbits and procreate.
There will be MORE LIKE THEM.
Rejoice!
Or run.
And while I think of it, we all know
what happened to the Tree Of Knowledge, smartass!
Or should that be 'smartarse'?
duk, now I feel even sadder than I did reading those awful classifieds and empathising with Fits' emotional state.
O, tree of knowledge which bears the bitter fruit, I am so happy that the axe has been taken to you already because my wit-motor is in low gear now.
But, reading the Valentines, ipso facto, Liberal voters.
On V-day it is best to recall, "There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."
Wild. Hey?
Sorry sublime-ation,
You are sad because:
1. Bogans breed, or
2. I can't spell the bottom word.
In the case of (1.) you can take it upon yourself to have one for yourself, one for someone else, and one for Peter Costello (gak!), or ...
(2.) you can also help me decide whether the crap word is spelt POO or POOH.
I sure don't want to offend small bears that defecate in the 100-acre wood!
It's been a long day.
Forget about Tree of Knowledge rattling on.
As they said about Anna Nicole Smith, she had her knockers.
huh?
I only meant about the tree.
Call me a tree hugger and I will hit you.
I have checked with Wikipedia and Valentines Day is hooked up
with the Roman "Lupercalia", actually celebrated on the 15th of Feb ....
"at this time many of the noble youths and of the magistrates run up and down through the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs. And many women of rank also purposely get in their way, and like children at school present their hands to be struck, believing that the pregnant will thus be helped in delivery, and the barren to pregnancy"
Now doesn't that sound like a hell of a lot more fun and so bloody ozzie?
Crap! I didnt think to read the paper today! I will get todays papers tomorrow! Sounds like a roaring laugh.
I have a friend who calls her husband "bubby" - and it has always disturbed me.
Duk - I didn't know that about myself. Should have taken a cutting when I was in Barcaldine a few years back. Damn shame.
All ye knockers (no Benny Hill pun intended) - know that I come not to bury Ms Fits but to...well, just give her another perspective. As I said, I like the lass. She's lively, never boring, has a nice turn of phrase and - basically - I like the cut of her jib. Doesn't mean we're always gonna agree.
I just don't see much point in pissing on those in the cheap seats. Mostly 'cos I've sat in them myself. It's an easy target to poke fun at the grammatical shortcomings of those who may not have enjoyed high school English as much as yourself. And it accomplishes what, exactly? Makes you feel better does it? Didn't think so. There are more worthy targets. You know them as well as I.
Fitsy, you're a top bird and your salvos are better directed elsewhere, methinks. That's all I'm saying.
the closest thing I got was an email entitled "valentine's card". upon opening the attachment in said email i was presented with a file called postcard.exe - yes folks, some lousy punk sent me a valentine's virus.
it's a cruel, cruel world.
on the bright side, it's not chlamydia or anything.
(such a cruel world!)
Vomitrons Day! Haven't heard it called that before, but the illiteration pleases me :)
I imagine exclamation marks would reach those hard to reach places, too :) Excellent.
I was under strict instructions when my now wife and I started dating, not to buy into the chuckfest that is this day. Not that I was inclined, but her declaration brought a smile to my face.
Who needs one single day to make one's love known. Who even needs words, for that matter. Certainly no tokens or gifts are required to get the message across. She's having my baby. That says it loud and clear :)
Oh, and Duk - well done for getting the Tree reference. As opposed to those who just though it a "prat name". Good to see some folks know where there roots are. So to speak.
Their roots.
As the dear departed Paul Hester once quoth:
"You should never forget your roots. God knows, I haven't forgotten any of mine"
Hi Fits,
Reading that made me laugh.
I got an even better message of my quasi-boyfriend yesterday...
"I hope you aren't expecting me to go along with this sham of a day today because I'm against it massively."
I HADNT EVEN MENTIONED ANYTHING!!!
(note that also that I know him too well to expect anything).
So clearly he knows how to make a girl feel special...
Happy belated Valentines day everyone.
x
Dear Dead Stump of the Tree Of Knowledge,
You are quite forgiven, and I essentially agree with the sentiments of your initial complaint, but there's a huge difference between people of the unfortunate circumstances which you describe ...
AND BOGANS!
But you are quite charming and have won me over.
I lovingly water your stump in the vain hope it shall re-animate.
Duk.
The paper of Andrew Bolt.
Not surprising, really.
you know what? why is everyone saying their partners are SO not into the day, commercialism, etc. and therefore they themselves are not into the day, commercialism etc.
i bet no one NO ONE would throw a gift back in their beloved's face, and continue to pontificate on the evils of val day.
did any of the pooh pooers get a gift or a poem or a special smooch with some sweet words?
You are either wickedly cruel or cruelly wicked. I cannot decide.
you know what? why is everyone saying their partners are SO not into the day, commercialism, etc. and therefore they themselves are not into the day, commercialism etc.
i bet no one NO ONE would throw a gift back in their beloved's face, and continue to pontificate on the evils of val day.
***
err, i did this last year. had told the boy i didn't want anything, wouldn't be getting him anything, yadda yadda.
i came home and there were roses, bottles of wine and packets of salt and vinegar chips (he knows me very, very well) on my bed.
he got an earbashing. i can be a bitch.
oh my god. i don't know what to say. except i was wrong.
i thought it was just alot of "no one's doing anything for me, so i'll just hate the whole thing, thing" nose, knife, hack, face thing.
apologies to all val day bashers.
lord.
all i can think of now is you're a bad boy, Bubby..
heh..
i think those 'Love Messages' pretty much sum up the Herald Sun demographic.
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