Hollyrude.
My friend Jaime was in LA recently, and noted that when overseas it's kind of easier to start up conversations with people you don't know so well. You know, you're in a strange land and no-one knows your name so you just mosey on up to the nearest person and make friends, trying not to make it too obvious that you're really keen for them to offer you a comfortable bed with the possibility of hot sex/food/local travel tips.
Anyhow.
Jaime and I were having a conversation about this, and he told me about a particular incident that happened to him whilst in LA and I liked it so much I wanted to share it with you.
Here is what happens when you stop to ask a homeless guy about his blankets.
Jaime: Hey, man.
Homeless Guy: Hey, how you doing?
Jaime: Yeah, good. You?
Homeless Guy: Can't complain.
Jaime: Right, right. Ah....those your blankets?
Homeless Guy: Actually, they're for my movie.
Jaime: Your...?
Homeless Guy: My movie. I'm making a movie.
Homeless Guy continues busily folding blankets. Jaime's curiosity is roused. He has clearly stumbled across a famous feature film director who has decided to douse himself in metho and urine as a spirited lark.
Jaime: Oh, right. What's your film called?
Homeless Guy: Cum-Splattered Anal Sluts.
Jaime: ......
Homeless Guy: It's a porno.
Jaime: Yeah, I got that.
Homeless Guy: What is it you do?
Jaime: I'm a writer.
Homeless Guy: Oh yeah? What do you write?
Jaime: Films, mostly. I direct too.
Homeless Guy: (growing enthused) Oh! You know, starting in porn is a great way to break into Hollywood as a writer or director.
Jaime: Mmm.
Homeless Guy: You should direct this film! My film! Hey, you want to know the story?
Jaime: Sure.
Homeless Guy: Well, I can't give away the whole plot. But mostly it revolves around old men - like, you know, old men - and twinks*.
Jaime: Twinks?
Homeless Guy: Young guys.
Jaime: Right.
Homeless Guy: So I'm casting right now, too.
Jaime: Oh?
Homeless Guy: Yeah.
He looks at Jaime for a moment. Jaime is filled with the horrifying realisation that not only is the Homeless Guy going to ask him to star in his porno film, he will be offended if he doesn't.
Homeless Guy: Say...
Jaime: (waiting for the fatal blow) Mmm?
Homeless Guy: (pointing over Jaime's shoulder) That guy over there would be perfect in my movie. You see him?
Jaime: (feeling odd mixture of huge relief and complete rejection - is he not even attractive enough to star in a homeless person's pornographic movie?) Oh yeah, I see him.
Homeless Guy: (staring for a long time at young man) Oh yeah, he'd be great. I have the most incredible scene for him.
Jaime: I can only guess.
Homeless Guy: Damn, and I don't have any business cards with me.
Jaime: (not wholly surprised) Oh. Oh, well.
Homeless Guy: (looking around wildly) Maybe I can...
He spots a piece of cardboard sticking out of a nearby bin and tears a small bit off.
Homeless Guy: Oh yeah. You got a pen?
Jaime hands one over. Homeless Guy scribbles down his phone number.
Homeless Guy: This'll do in the meantime.
He hands Jaime back his pen and starts to stride over to the hapless young man on the other side of the road. Jaime cannot possibly miss this incredible moment and duly follows.
Homeless Guy: (trying to get the young guy's attention) Hey you. HEY! HEY!
The young guy turns around.
Homeless Guy: Hey, how you doing?
Young Guy: Fine, I guess.
Homeless Guy: Listen, I was just looking at you from across the street and I realised you'd be perfect for this movie I'm making. Here's my card.
He hands over the tattered piece of cardboard.
Young Guy: Oh yeah?
Homeless Guy: It's a porno.
Young Guy: Cooool!
Whether he still thought it was cool when he realised that instead of being fawned over by a naked Jemma Jameson he was instead set upon by eighteen elderly gentlemen, I'm unsure. Jaime couldn't hang around long enough to find out.
579 days til the next election.
* twink:
An attractive, boyish-looking, young gay man. The stereotypical twink is 18-22, slender with little or no body hair, often blonde, dresses in club wear even at 10:00 AM, and is not particularly intelligent. A twink is the gay answer to the blonde bimbo cheerleader.
There are two major theories about the origin of this word, both of which probably have elements of truth to them.
a) Twink comes from an acronym T.W.I.N.K. "Teenage, White, Into No Kink."
b) Twink is a shortening of the name for the famous "TWINKIE" snack cake: a tasty, cream-filled snack with no nutritional value. The phallic shape of the "TWINKIE" snack cake should not escape the reader's attention.
Comments
Maybe the new craze in the US is no longer adopting babies from foreign lands but co-starring in porno films.
Just a thought.
Well fuck me with a chainsaw if that ain't the funniest thing I've heard all day. Quite possible in weeks!
I am completely blown away by the twink acronym - who knew???? I really must update my gaydar profile...
Whoah... This is more than a coincidence. Was the homeless guy Dave Navarro? The young guy JD Fortune? Was there one old pornbum guy called Gary Gary? I know how that film ends..
hollyrude, check frndstr.
Oh come on.
"Teenage, White, Into No Kink."?
I have heard some silly things in my life... It doesn't even make SENSE. Into no kink? Nobody talks like that, plus, don't you want someone who IS into some kinks?
Here's a hint for you.
Those acronyms are ALWAYS made up after the fact. "Wily Oriental Gentleman", "Prisoner Of Her Majesty", "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" and so on and so on. They're just rubbish. Even "Port Outward Starboard Home" has been disproved, and it was the most logical of the lot.
Nobody loves you more than me Ms Fits but, honestly...
My personal theory is that F.U.C.K comes from "Oh for-crying-out", "oh fuh-crying-out", "oh fuh-c...."
But this is patently false because i think they said fuck before they said for crying out loud. Still, what a conincidink.
Perhaps "for crying out loud" was an extrapolation of fuck?
tired...
Pity the name bumfights was already taken.
you gotta love l.a. at least the shit they come up with there is original.
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