Hypothetically speaking.
Okay, so let's say John Howard and Mark Latham dropped by my house. Let's just say . Let's say it was a Saturday afternoon, kind of a nice day outside if not a little blustery. I am wearing go-go boots and looking unbearably hot.
'I wish I knew you guys were coming!' I say with great feminine charm, adding: 'I would've totally cleaned up.'
'That's okay,' says Mark. 'You should see Oliver's room!' He chuckles mildly at this while John browses my record collection, pausing to pounce on a cd. 'Oh my god, you've got the new Pink Grease record. That kills ' he says.
I am impatient to get in the sunshine with my dog, so ask the boys to sit down on my red velvet couch. I offer food and drink, but Mark had a big lunch and John's not all that hungry. Oh wait, can he have a glass of water though? I tell him this is not a problem.
I return with the water and that's when we start talking.
John goes first. He's got something to say. He tells me that if I vote for him, I can have:
- Sex with the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion member of my choice.
- The head of Peter Costello delivered to me on a silver platter.
- Free high-quality wine for all brown-eyed citizens.
- A job writing with Owen Wilson followed by acrobatic bedroom antics. Then marriage, due to Owen finding me incredibly attractive and funnier than anyone he's ever met.
- Weekly dinner and political round-up with Bob Ellis .
- New job as head of all television programming ever.
- Dried figs. A lot of them.
This sounds kind of cool to me, so as you'd imagine I'm full of expectation as I turn to look at Mark. He clears his throat and gets comfortable on the couch. Then he says that if I vote for him, I can have:
- A short, sharp kick to the cunt.
- AIDS.
- Sex with the Mickey Rourke of today as opposed to the Mickey Rourke of Nine 1/2 Weeks.
- A job bathing cantankerous elderly people with bedsores due to dramatic end of Australian film and television industry.
- A chastity belt.
- Weekly dinner and political round-up with Alan Jones .
- Weekly dinner and relationship round-up with all of my bitter and angry ex-partners.
This gives me something to think about.
And you know what, you fuckers? I would still not vote for John Howard. Because despite whatever either party can offer me personally, I give a fucking shit about this country* and its social and emotional growth. And I would deal with losing my fucking job and would just campaign and bitch to whoever was in power to get my industry back on track. And I would do that knowing that I hadn't thrown my weight behind the racist scum-sucking conservatives set to screw us into the ground.
So today you could say I'm mildly disappointed with the Tasmanian Forestry Workers . And I'm disappointed with everyone who puts their financial interests before the nation as a whole.
And I'm also a little hungry.
2 days til the election.
38 days til Gabi comes home.
Taxi Driver Tally - Latham 2 1/2, Howard 6, Greens 2.
*Do you love how patriotic and tough I sound there?
Comments
> *Do you love how patriotic and tough I sound there?i guess
i love it more when you say 'cunt' though
*rowr*
/ brett
Yes, I do love it. I've had many a stand-up, shouting argument with My Bloke about how I'd rather live in a just, fair, fabulous country - that was in debt - but have a "strong" economy and be run and populated by a bunch of heartless cum-guzzling bastards.
That was beautiful.
*wipes tear*
Do you really mean that, Dave? Or are you being cruelly sarcastic?
Yes I meant it. Although the tear was exaggerated. More of a swoon-type smile.
It's testament to my ridiculous naiivety that every time the Tasmanian Forestry workers flip out and go all short-sighted for jobs, at The detriment to their own environment, I get surprised all over again.
Feeling murderous today.
Tasmanian Forestry Workers? That sounds like something out of Lord of the Rings. Of course I'm an American and I don't realize that there are OTHER countries. We know places to BOMB places we are attacking and places where Americans go for VACATION and that's about it. But Tasmanian Forestry Workers might as well be the Dwarven Blacksmith Union to me. But it's sometimes nice to live life with your head up your ass (arse), it's warm and cozy. My question to you Fits is this. You are lying when you say that you wouldn't vote for Howard for all that loot, power, and cock. That's a sweet fucking deal. You'd be more powerful than Howard if you were the Queen of TV. But your moral indignant "I'm even willing to be a starving artist for my political views attitude" is pretty endearing. You may have too much passion. Can you die from that? I hope not. I haven't even had a three-way with you and that hot Geisha girl yet. FYI my 31st birthday is in January.
I thought you were feeling in a sex party mood, knifey.
Also I sent this to the Nationals
I'm an idiot American but even I see that you have so many fear tactics on your site that you should be ashamed of yourself. Don't make us drop bombs on you, too. Bush will do it if he finds out you have oil.
am worried here. self preservation. i don't even get a vote and yet your voting for Latham back there just lost me my job too. besdores. eeugh.
I'd be okay bathing bedsores if I had a hot co-nurse.
Okay. Better question. Would you let John Howard fuck you in public if it meant that Latham would win the election?
Well?
yeah but would you? i mean, distraction aside, all these old people wincing as you squeeze pus while they crack onto said co-nurse even though they havent got it up since before she was born...
"I thought you were feeling in a sex party mood, knifey."
nah, that was yesterday.
do you really think they won't let my dog into the ding dong lounge?
yeah. he's already fucked the rest of the public anyway.
"yeah. he's already fucked the rest of the public anyway."
betty, that's about howard, not me right?
i told you to keep my secret!
I would have a three-way with John Howard and Alexander Downer in public if it meant they were out of power. I'd even let Phillip Ruddock come on my face.
And you know why? BECAUSE I MAKE FUCKING SACRIFICES FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY.
Soon I will start calling this site 'Reasons You Will ThreeWay'. There has been more talk of three-ways in the past month than I've ever heard in my life.
It's a sign...
this is better than mono.net and messandnoise.com put together...
tell a blogger to keep a secret? would you?!
and anyway, course i'd fuck him - what did i say about cute boys who don't want commitment..
there's something exhibitionistic going on.. put me in a bubble in fed square and we'll have a video by the end of it. it would sell on the internet for meeeeelllions. mwahahaha..
i'll only buy it if i'm in it.
Maybe you two should get a room.
Can I sit in the corner?
sorry about that
*craig david*
hey - it's all ok - we're getting married!
Ms Fits, after reading that, I do so want to take you out for several bottles of wine and shag you silly! That post gave me major wood, but being here in Tasmania, I now have to be careful otherwise a forestry worker might cut it down.
But in all seiousness, JWH proved what a slimey cunning little shit he was by waiting until the last moment to release his crappo policy. The woodcutters got them so worked up of Latho's policy (which is damn f*cking good if you read it) that he could have told them that he would shag all their mothers and they still would have cheered him. I was at that rally on Wednesday (yes, I work for a Labor Senator Elect, who will get in as she is 2nd on the ticket) to chekc it out, and the forestry workers were so worked up it was ridiculous. What they don't realise is that they have been right royally bent over the table and screwed, and JWH let them do it to themselves. At least Mark had the guts to say "lets fix this problem, and he's $800 mill to help". What would you take, $800mill or a fuck from Mr. Sheen and $50mill.
OK, so thats my rant for today. I still majorly want to shag you!! Go LATHO on Saturday
What can I say? That kicked much arse in a smouldering, sexy way. Allow me to toddle off and link to it asap...
Let's just go ahead and get this mother fucker up to 100 comments. If Fits saw that she would literally come all over herself.
The idea of causing Ms Fits to self-bukkake intrigues me.
mandatory song lyric insertion:
"stop using sex as a weapon!"
I have spoken to my advisors and we agree to your plan, kranki. Comments-ahoy!
Knifey, you've got me all fired up.
Knifey has that effect on 'the ladies'.
"love is a battlefield" jess.
ms fits- if only that were true!
I'm hardly a lady, I must confess...
Is it too early to go for a "hit me with your best shot" reference? It is? Oh.
seeing as we've obviously settled on pat benatar, and we all love a good sexxx party, here's my contribution:
'everybody lie down'.
and jess, stop being such a 'heartbreaker'!
cheated on before we even had a cyberprenup. *sob*
ah well. more fun to be had without monogamy..
such is the way, with 'promises in the dark'.
but in the spirit of the upcoming election- 'sometimes good guys finish first'.
Don't be sad, red betty - all he's giving me are "promises in the dark". I always knew he was "somebody's baby".
Knifey, while some say "hell is for children", I think hell is for the "disconnected". I'm tired of your "lipstick lies". In my quest for "true love", I'm off to go "looking for a stranger".
I think I've overdosed on Benatar!
Ha! "Promises in the dark" jinx!
PS: Apologies to Ms Fits for filling her comment section with Pat Benetar references! Damn that kranki, he lured me into being an annoying person who comments constantly.
s'ok jess, we would never have worked out anyway- we're both pisceans.
are we up to 100 posts yet?
i have work i should be doing...
I'll never forget the fourty minutes or so we've spent together. Sniffle. I'll never let go. I'll never let go!
I have a bus to catch but participating in the Comment Centenary Celebrations is slightly addictive in a fuck-wit way.
Fantastic post Ms Fits, very beautiful in a messed up kind of way.
Mmm Mickey Rourke. I kid, I kid!
Here's some movies of the Town Bikes that they let me put on my site.
http://videos.timchuma.com/thetownbikes/index.htm
Thanks - Tim.
ooh - backtrack please. all pisceans? maaan, just think of all our parents having sex in June.. at least in the UK we have the excuse of it being summer. a holiday special.
Bloody oath yes, and beautifully put.
I did try to express something similar in a letter to The Age on Tuesday (and this blog entry here, but it wasn't nearly so eloquently put. I sadly don't think they'd have published such a brilliant piece as this entry of yours. Fucking prudes.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Wow. Yeah, I do love how tough and patriotic you sound there. We could do with some more of that, especially seeing as how all my leftist friends are already sounding all defeatist about this election. What the fuck is that?
By the way, you have no idea who i am, but i will be at the election party on saturday with bells on, and we will fucking win, or we will storm through the streets of Melbourne in a frenzied, drunken, anarchic rage. Ooh, that sounds like fun... but i still hope the cunts lose.
You're irresistibly smart and sexy. The perfect post-liberal and post-labor human being. God, too bad we met so late in the campaign...
sorry, just couldnt leave it teetering just short of the half way mark, it was causing me distress.
Hi Ms Fits - I just wanna say thanks for your election commentary. Although I haven't been able to read it everyday (too busy working and reporting on the campaign in regional VICTORIA - a very bland election campaign here in the country i might add) I have adored reading your thoughts and soak up your daily posts with laughing happiness.
I say we start voting for your most colourful post throughout the campaign and then get drunk very quickly. (it's almost six o'clock and voting has closed in Tassie - *sigh*) I vote for this one.
My voting day highlights - putting the Coalition LAST on the thing and seeing the Independent Candidate who has put his preferences to Mr Peter McGauran trying to hand out How to Vote cards and NO ONE taking them. (There wasn't many people around, but still.)
i think Owen Wilson is gay, so you may have to work harder than expected.
Comments are closed.