I dare you.
Okay, so I've been doing this radio show for eight years now and we have a segment where people ring up and give us dares. The idea being that there's some sexual quirk out there you want to try but are too shy to road-test, so we'll be your pioneers. We're a giving trio like that.
Here are some of the more interesting ones we've done:
1. "Put fresh chili on your dick".
Obviously this was for one of the boys. A listener called up and told us that he'd totally rubbed chili on his nob and then had sex with his girlfriend. He reckoned he hadn't felt anything but she'd gone off . Glenn tried it at home on his own and reckoned it burned so fucking bad he had to dip his penis in a glass of milk to cool it off. So kids, don't try this without mum or dad's supervision.
2. "Get whipped in public at a BDSM club".
We palmed this one off to Glenn too. He is so our bitch right now.
We all rocked up to some awful bondage night in King street with unspeakably ugly people loitering creepily in rubber clothing. When the enormous-breasted 'mistress' called for volunteers we shoved Glenn forward into her flabby arms. Ten minutes later he was tied to a rack and being whipped while we enjoyed casual gins at the bar. In his opinion the experience was filed under not sexy in any way whatsoever .
3. "Put cocaine or a crushed-up ecstasy tablet on your clit or penis".
Of course none of us were going to do this as it involves illegal drugs and we don't condone that sort of thing. Interestingly, did you know Errol Flynn apparently used to recommend a dab of cocaine on the tip of one's cock to delay ejaculation? And he was reported to have slept with 13,000 women, so he'd know. Trivia!
Anyhow, I ended up at a lesbian party where there was cocaine going around so I tried it. And, once they found out what I was doing, so did just about everyone else in the room. My verdict? Slightly tingly but probably best saved for sticking up your nose.
And remember kids, drugs make you look like this:
Poor Pete Doherty . I do hope he doesn't die.
4. "Help me move house".
Oh, do fuck off, cleverdick.
5. "Go down on someone with a butter menthol in your mouth".
This was Paul's. His wife claimed it was very pleasant and warming. Paul claimed it was difficult to keep the butter menthol 'under control'.
5. "Appear in Picture magazine as a Home Girl".
Yeah, I did this. Sent in a naked photo of myself and ended up in the Home Girls section. Made seventy five bucks! Sweet!
Being naked in a magazine was easy. Being made to sound like the world's biggest harpie nobber in the accompanying interview was mortifying. If I may quote:
'Picture: "Radio show dares eh? Like wot, spunks?"
Me: "Apparently if a bloke's got a butter menthol in his mouth while he's growlin' ya it feels fantastic. Never tried it, but."'
I have never put the word 'but' on the end of a sentence in my life. I am eloquent and quite off-the-cuff. They twisted my words and made a mockery of me. Right next to the naked photo of me with the bag on my head.
6. "Stick a carrot up your arse and eat it".
I fail to see where the sexual kink in this activity is. Still, Paul duly did it. Report? A bitter-tasting carrot.
7. "Attend the Hookers and Deviates Ball topless".
Obviously another one for me. And I wouldn't have minded so much except there was a no-nudity clause until after midnight (the organisers feared the wrath of an in-the-dark venue) and I had another function to go to so I ended up being the only person in the entire building with their knockers out . It was like some awful school nightmare except I was standing next to people wearing pants with the bottom cut out. Needless to say - NOT SEXY.
Why am I telling you this? Well, because I'm kind of hot for you and want to impress you. But also because we're keen to open up the dares chest and do more. So post your dares in the comments section. They've got to be mostly legal and semi do-able. And no, you can't dare me to have sex with you. Unless you're Toby Schmitz .
Also. The person who called up the show last week and dared me to wank off a horse at a Kyneton race meet is not to be taken seriously. Please do not use this as a winning example.
995 days til the next election.
Comments
ms fits, you'd do better to develop a crush on toby's younger brother rory - he's even hotter, and from what i hear, dynamite in the sack. word of caution about the gene pool, though - i used to work for his parents, and there's a pair of exploitative fuckasses who'd offend every last one of your lefty principles if you met them.
stolz and i were so totally there for dare no.2.
you took us and gave us chewing gum in the taxi. THEN there were leather clad office workers and ample breasted women with whips.
aaaggggghhh. we were only little and from the country. and i so told my mum about it afterwards because it was so cool.
i remember glenny looking very little and obvious strapped up on that podium.
on the butter menthol front, we have popping candy at work... and i've always wondered.
Well, I dare you to attend and participate in one of my friend's bisexual spa parties.
And no, fear not, I don't do them myself- girlf would knacker me with a machette.
Wouldn't popping gum get caught in your pubic hair?
popping CANDY
it's sugar, it'll dissolve.
you'd want to be 'well maintained' though... i imagine.
Tough for you to do on the show, but I want someone to stick John Laws' golden microphone up their arse just before he goes to air. It would be great to see the stench flowing the other way.
"Most cocks in a single mouth at one time". It would make a great show as you invite a scrutineer from Guinness to record the attempt. You could even end up on Sunrise with a human interest story like that.
What's the record as it stands, Bruce?
Bruce, you know her too well.
LOL I havent laughed so much in over a week.
I want to see a Fist-Off, where two players insert their clenched hands into a pre-agreed orifice of the other competitor. Points awarded for depth only.
Hiya Lady!
Would it be amusement if your able band of rogues were to recreate www.beautifulagony.com audio style? Take that mini disc player home, lie back with So It Goes, think of England and record the results ("mmm,mmmm,argh,arr! miriama smith is ideally suited to a 18-39 demographic!!")
You can even get your faithful public to geuss whose verbal acrobatics is whose. If public humiliation must be involved, you could always make it your mobile phone ring for a while. Its sort of art, its sort of rude, its a melange. A potpourri of dareynicityousness...
How embarrasment, I feel all dirty now. Im sure Lady is all demurity, but that Ms Fits is a bad influence on the impressionable...
Oh Bruce, what a pisser! I love the inclusion of 'Sunrise'. Just the idea of fucking David Koch smugly introducing his own diminutive wang into the proceedings is enough to make me, er, choke!
Adam
Presumably they suggested Kyneton because the activity wouldn't have raised an eyebrow at a country race meeting.
Same up around Colbinabbin, I hear.
I'm not offering a suggestion, but I am cacking myself.
Once had boyfriend cook with chilli and forget to wash hands.
Highly NOT recommended.
a-HA! I knew every girl in Picture wasn't as fucking boganic and stupid as they seemed! Well, not *every* one...
However, I still have a soft spot for the mag. It was doubly pleasurable: Firstly in my very early teens,for stealing from my dad and enjoying in the whacktastic sense; and secondly in my mid-late teens, for showing my friends, and reading the most bogany bits aloud when we were drunk or high (bloody private school snobs)
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ahhhh, Fits I have one you can all do whilst sitting in your chairs broadcasting the show.....
figging (www.figging.com/)
i dare yuz
Sherriff: hehe, I saw the comment before you removed it...lucky pony.
I sooooo dare you to stick a Gerbil up yr arse. Scratchy little suckers.
Perhaps you could post that picture of yourself in 'Picture' on your blog here.. for a dare.
loadedog.com
indecent proposals / dares
1. cooking with cum (use you own mans juice, but double points if you choose a strangers)
2. cum shot to the eye
3. whilst a man/woman is going down on ya, let them blow air up there. myth is you could die, but you could dispel this myth.
on the menthol front, a more manageable option are those strips (i think they're made by listerine) that disolve on the tongue. much easier than balancing a lozenge in your mouth
Listerine strips would be better, but children, please remember, they MAY cause diaohrea. I tried a whole 20 pack of them at once cause someone asked me to. Mmmmm...spicy.
Post your "Picture" picture...
Otherwise, SOMEONE else is gonna have to go to ALL that effort of finding it...somewhere in one of the issues in the giant pile under their bed...and posting it elsewhere... :)
hehehehehe {insert derranged laughing here}
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