I was broke, I needed the money.
A couple of weeks ago I was walking along a second-hand beachside strip with my mother, who dragged me with some insistency into an archaic-looking op shop to buy more useless crap we'll never use. She was on the hunt for old wool (I try not to ask what she needs these things for) and I kicked around looking at old polka records and pyjamas while she worked her way through a pile of boxes.
Then I heard an audible gasp from the back of the store.
Mum: Oh my god.
Me: What now?
Mum: That's you.
Me: What?
Mum: That's you.
Me: ...if this is that picture of an orangutan doing a wee in its own mouth again I'm going to be mightily irritated.
Mum: No, really. Look.
I turned around to see her holding up an old Paton's knitting pattern book.
And she was right. It really was fucking me.
Just loungin' in a cream cableknit with some of my 'peeps'. Note ladylike pose.
I still sit like this, interestingly. No wonder I meet so many nice men.
One or more of these women would grow up to receive a nipple cripple at the hands of porn star Ron Jeremy. The future looks bright, people.
Focused on the business at a young age.
Or, as my friend Hotman so delicately puts it: 'I particulary like your checking out the "tent in his pants" in this one'.
And she's up!
I don't know whether it's pleasing or frightening to know that I still dress pretty much exactly the same as I did when I was two years old. My legs no longer resemble cocktail frankfurts in party mode though, thankfully.
133 days til the next election.
Comments
Superb Fitz! Your career has never impressed me more :)
Let's not talk about women's legs this early in the morning. I have a lot of highly technical work to do today.
Your career started young...just like Jodie Foster.... Same heady heights of fame?
My legs resemble cocktail frankfurts in party mode.
Maybe I should get me some knee socks and pigtails.
All this talk of 'cocktail frank's is making me hungry for some good old fashioned nibbling at scones! :D
My God you are a funny, funny woman. You had me in Fits.
- mitch x
Good morning all. I thought that today we’d do a review of The First Tuesday Book Club.
The concept of a monthly TV show is interesting in that we get a real sense of the presenters aging before our eyes, and this was very much my impression on seeing the programme last night.
Marieke looked quite strange. Dressed in a blouse and gym vaguely reminiscent of a school uniform from the 1960’s she sat in the exact same position the entire show. She looked a bit like an endangered species of lovebird trying to hatch an egg.
Her head looked really odd, as though it has become too large in proportion to the rest of her. I was reminded of those people who need to take large doses of steroids in order to stay alive.
Her make-up job was appalling. It literally looked like it had been applied with a trowel, further accentuating the apparent increase in the size of her head.
If I was Marieke, I’d lift one of those brown boots (Salvo’s op-shop, Smith Street Collingwood, $25.95) as far back as I could and give the make-up artist a swift and powerful kick in the arse.
Jason looked like he is in the end stages of liver cancer. Gaunt and with a complexion Philip Ruddock would pity, you could almost smell the cheap rolling tobacco reeking off him through the screen.
His Oscar Wilde hairdo looked like mouse fur, and his long, spatulate fingers weaved and shook constantly through the air as if trying to locate the bottle of discount scotch he thought he’d sneaked onto the set.
Jennifer was the real shock of the evening. Her face looked like a contour map of the Great Dividing Range. She looks like she’s put on ten years in the last four weeks.
Jennifer is a master of the peculiar art of fake joviality. If one of the cameras exploded and the cameraman was running around the set in a ball of flame, one gets the sense that Jen would give a throaty chuckle and make a witty quip about the state of the ABC’s fire extinguishers.
The second the show finishes, I’ll bet that she stuffs a cigarette into her mouth, her facial expression switches to that of a soaking wet goat, and she marches out to her vehicle without a word to anyone. You know, like Krusty the Clown on ‘The Simpsons’.
The fact that they all put up such a lame performance and looked like Manga animations says to me that the quality of the directorial and make-up personnel on this particular show is shitful to say the least, reflective of the general dumbing down and ineptitude of the wider community in these mad, apocalyptic times.
The two guests were Shane Moloney and Margaret Fulton. Shane is a lawyer who writes books about a crime-solving Labour politician. I once got a third of the way through one of them, then threw it into the fire, something I’ve only ever done once before.
Margaret Fulton was the saving grace of the evening. Caustic, witty, down to earth and eager, she made the rest of them look like they’d been marched onto the set by the security staff. We need many, many more Margaret Fulton’s in our media.
The books under review were the usual obscure rubbish, pretentious crap that would not even make decent toilet paper. I can’t even recall what they were.
And lastly, is that set the same one as they use for Playschool? It looks as though it has been designed and decorated by first year students at RMIT. Actually they would probably do a better job than the graduates.
dear mikeed1313, it's labor not labour. if you're going to put the boot in, at least proofread.
Hi 12.33. I don't speak or write American. As far as I'm concerned, it's Labour.
Just for the record, I thought Ms Fits was looking particularly dishy last night...
OMG. OMG! What an astonishing thing for your mother to discover. Whatever will she turn up next?
zOMG - U IZ SO CUTE CAN HARDLY STANDZ!
Hi! 'caught' you on FTBK and ended up here via google via wikipedia...
i love the first photo - looks like you got into lick, sip, suck early with the face you got on...
blog and comments generally - good to see the younger generation enjoying & expressing themselves through excessive use of all the good things in life: smoke(s), alcohol, exchanging bodily fluids and the like... :P
You got off lightly.
My mother dressed me up as a child to advertise knitted ensembles as well, but thought nothing of putting four year olds in drag.
'Fun With Wool!' (yes, real title) featured a petulent me as some sort of Cowboy/Indian with Chaps, and my friend Joel in a wool wig, fur coat and handbag.
Come to think of it, it's a miracle you weren't roped into that one, too. Perhaps you were busy on another 'wool' shoot.
That is a cavalier attitude towards modest posture, young lady.
mikeed1313 at 12:13
"You know, like Krusty the Clown on ‘The Simpsons’."
but later on, when you spelt the name of an Australian political party incorrectly your defense is:
"I don't speak or write American. As far as I'm concerned, it's Labour."
Hmm.. Question: If you don't speak American, how can you understand 'the simpsons'?
Oh yeah, you still spelt the name of Australia's oldest political party incorrectly.
Australia's oldest political party? Are they? Whatever they are looking down the barrel again. After this up coming defeat they will need to completely restructure. New Labouour perhaps.
When I wrote that I don't speak American, I meant that I do not use American pronunciation or vernacular. 'Don't speak" was an attempt to express this economically.
There are many good things about America, and The Simpsons is one of them. Anyway, we're the fifty-first State, and antipodean Texas, so the gist of it is easy enough to get.
However, we still express ourselves in English english, so as far as I'm concerned, it's the hacks and meatheads in the Labour party who can't spell.
Hope that clears things up for you. Home made chicken schnitzel tonight with oven fries, roast baby tomatos, broccoli and heaps of cheap red. Yummo.
Elmo from sydlee QC, stop using baby talk. Where is your dignity?
Hey Mikeed,
What is your opinion on Iraq?
having lung cancer is no joke mikeed, use a different analogy dude, sheesh!!! im spewin, I dozed off at the beginning of the Book Club show (Im a tradie so I work hard dammit) and woke up during Lateline Business, always a strange sensation but your review is just cynical and negative and doesnt balance it out with anything positive to say about the show. Hey Marieke when are you gonna be reviewing Thoreau's Walden???
A massive, massive fuck-up, 5.58. Every last single thing that is wrong with the world is ecapsulated in the evil charade. It is a metaphor.
Sorry, 6.37, It was liver cancer. That is no barrel of laughs either, but I've seen a few people who've had it, and believe me, last night Jason looked just like one of them.
I really was not impressed by any of it apart from Margret Fulton, and I gave her a good wrap.
Auntie, sadly, has dementia, and she's not getting any better.
For a moment I thought your mother may have found *the* Picture issue (or People?).
Why were you modelling so early?
(From what I've read) your parents don't seeem like the Ramsey type.
But what is the solution?
I wish you had liver cancer, mikeeed31. It would save me having to scroll through your increasingly lengthy and tedious posts.
Those pictures are almost as cute as William the laughing swedish baby...
I hope you've framed them.
Considering my alcohol intake, 8.36, you're likely to get your wish. As for the posting, well, it's just going to get worse and worse.
Go to your Doctor and ask if she'll have sex with you.
Nice little M,your a dirty dirty little girl,good to see nothing has changed .Great art,you work the camera well ,it wants you ,it's easy to see.How much did you charge for the job?.And will you be selling these?
KR
Captain
Re Ms Fits and her latest post. I don't think that is Ms Fits at all. The photos would've had to have been taken in 1980 at the earliest for them to be Fits.
The style, layout, colour and typography suggests that these images date from the early to mid 1970's.
I think that this is just Fits big noting herself by pretending she's been in the industry from birth.
I'd suggest that she came upon the images by accident, or has hauled them out of her stash in order to get a big blog going post FTBC.
This is a ruthlessly self-promotional lady, people. Beware the Ides of March, even thought it is still only July.
RE: 9:51
Hi. Me again. You seem to have issues with Australian english as well.
Exhibit 'A':
"even thought it is still only July."
Awww.. mikeed1313 thinks he's people!!!
*pat*
I try to ignore it but...
I think that this is just Fits big noting herself by pretending she's been in the industry from birth.
You're quite delusional you know. I do hope mikeed1313 is a character you're playing and these are not your real thoughts and opinions. It's tedious, and the threat that it will just get worse is loathsome.
I can't say I understand what motivates someone like you to abuse the hospitality of an unmoderated forum, but I wish you'd leave or change your creepy tune.
Sorry folks, I know my trade and I call it how I see it. Fits, where is the evidence that this is in fact you? Shit or get off the pot.
Apathy is the greatest form of hate.
Ignore it and it will go away.
Oh no, by writing this I am paying attention to it!
Arrrrrrgggghhhhhh!
Fight the good fight against mikeed. Stop apostrophe abuse NOW.
What is a "second-hand beachside"? One that was only used by a small south-east Asian country on weekends?
My legs resemble cocktail frankfurts the morning after.
You are quite right, 10.13. Thyese fucking typo's! Just forgive and understand that, like Fits, I'm a heavy drinker, and they just keep sneaking thoough.
Fucking funny, Fitsy, fucking funny... Exactly what I needed after a 14 hour day. Cheers!
Word verification: jpqof - what we all wish that tedious fuckwit commenter would do.
Why do you work 14 hour days, 12.10? Are you trying to buy a kennel to put your dog in in the likely event he outlives you?
zOMG - U IZ SO CUTE CAN HARDLY STANDZ!
Ha! You stupid, drooling, slobbering, fly-blown idiots!
Ms Fits has got you lying naked on your backs on the toilet floor and she's pissing straight down your throats!
Wankers.
How exactly does a beachside strip become second hand? Very confused. I'm not however surprised at all that at least one of your parents were the stagemum type having you pose in catalogues from the age of two! With both of them in the industry you were always going to end up doing something in television. As they say, it's who you know not what you know.
Well aren't you just the cutest thing around.
Any plans on knitting replicas of the sweaters you pose in? Round up the same 'peeps' from the photoshoot and make a then-and-now comparison.
And post photos here. Naturally.
It is not Ms Fits, you fucking idiots! It's just a kid that looks like her that she found somewhere! The images are to old to be her, you flat-earth, dumb-ass motherfuckers!
No Mikee, I've got numerous photos of me looking much like the young man having his package examined (though I stress that it is not in fact me), and I'm about 8 years Ms Fits' senior, so it all pieces together.
This is a very strange conspiracy theory for you to come up with and get so angry about. Could you not have gone for something of more moment? You know, false flag terrorist incidents and so on?
Your first psychiatric nurse cartoon was very funny.
Although somewhat derivative in style and tone from the work of Fred Negro.
Gee Mike,
Is everything alright?
Do you want to get a coffee together or something?
I would have been more impressed if it was an old Playboy !!
is the current pigtail fixation because, going from the pics, your mum never let you have them when you were little?
Comments are closed.