I'd like to thank the guy who cavity-searched me...
On the front page of today's Sunday Star Times - New Zealand's newspaper of the year, according to them - was a story that caught my eye.
A huge picture of Oscar-winner Hilary Swank accompanied by the headline: 'HILARY SWANK IN KIWI AIRPORT BUST'.
Sweet.
Hilary Swank has always seemed like a pretty clean-living girl - irritatingly so, really. Married for five hundred years to that vacant piece of paper apparently related to Rob Lowe , toothily wholesome and about as interesting as a bowl of bran. But airport bust ? Hello.
What could Hilary have done?
- Balloon of heroin in anal cavity.
- Bag of dope in secret compartment of surfboard.
- Thai prostitute in carry-on luggage.
The mind, frankly, boggles.
So what the fuck, then, is up with this :
'Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank is fighting a $200 fine for bringing an apple and an orange into New Zealand.'
Move over, Tommy Lee. Jesus fucking christ.
Even her publicist said when asked: 'Oh, that was the apple in the purse incident' and then failed to return any further calls.
Remember when film stars used to be rock stars? Carole Lombard had a mouth like a sailor, shagged Clark Gable to within an inch of his life and then died in a spectacular plane crash. Swank's got a lot of ground to make up if you ask me.
941 days til the next election.
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Mama Cass was once arrested on arrival at Heathrow airport - for stealing towels from the hotel last time she was in England. Wild.
Ah, Big Fella, please allow me to pick you up on one minor, albeit tiny, infringement of blame hyar. I don't think Hillary 'Could You Open Your Mouth Any Wider' Swank is to blame for this publicised yet infinitely boring accusation. I think the NZ [you might as well throw in AUS into the bargain] importing regulations are to blame, because we 'continents/islands' have precious standards when it comes to this kind of shit.
I went to Western Samoa for a holiday back in '92, bought a wooden carving of a traditional W. Samoan tool: no problems in W. Samoa. Arrived in Melbourne to greetings of 'What the fuck is that?' and answers of 'A carving,' which lead to the inevitable, 'No, that's a weapon.' 'On the contrary, you're a uniformed, uninformed, uneducated wanker,' I said, which pretty much resulted in my precious - and non-threatening - cargo remaining in Melbourne as I flew on to Adelaide.
Our standards are higher: we suspect fruit, the Yanks suspect people with towels wrapped around their heads. That is all.
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