Irish Stew, etc.
At first I barely paid much attention to this story on last night's news/in today's Age (can't find the link so you'll just have to trust me, fuckfaces):
'A car burst into flames after slamming into a private garage in Springvale on Saturday night, narrowly missing a bedroom where a man was sleeping.
Home owner Simon Birch apprehended a 27 year-old Springvale man about 9:25pm, after the crash.
The man had allegedly been driving his car at high speed down Bernay Court. It is thought he missed a turn and lost control of the car.'
What eventually captured my attention (aside from the not uninteresting fact that the crashed car's numberplate was FLAMEZ) was that the home owner had 'apprehended' the driver, who was trying to do a runner, and held him until police arrived.
THIS MEANS HE MADE A CITIZEN'S ARREST.
I am obsessed with the notion of citizen's arrest. Is it not the sweetest thing ever? I want to both make one and provoke someone enough to have one done to me. How can some ordinary person have the fucking balls to grasp a shifty character by the forearm and say 'look here old bean, I'm afraid you're going to have to come with me.'?
Do you have to keep a straight face? Are you supposed to use CSI language like 'you have the right to remain silent, bitch'? If you're having anal sex with a seventeen year-old in Queensland, can you tap them on the shoulder part way through with a grave 'I'm sorry to have to do this' expression?
I want to push my luck. I want to find those weird archaic laws like 'it is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar' or 'only licensed electricians may change a light bulb' and challenge any fucker to come get me.
I want to arrest people for jaywalking. I want to arrest them for poor manners. I want to arrest bad punctuation on restaurant menus. I WANT TO MAKE SEXY INNUENDO ABOUT APPREHENDING CUTE BOYS FOR POSSESSION OF SWOLLEN GOODS.
ARE YOU WITH ME, FELLOW LAW-ABIDERS.
758 days til the next election.
Comments
he he
Quote: "ARE YOU WITH ME, FELLOW LAW-ABIDERS"
Ummm... No. Not really. It all just seems like too much trouble *shrugs* . That's apathy for ya.
what about citzens arrests in share houses for not doing the dishes? or using language like "i am gonna punch you in the cunt?"
Wouldn't it be wonderful to make a citizens arrest whilst using language like "I am gonna punch you in the cunt." Like a Tourettes-suffering Serpico sort of character.
Also - here is the article.
Because I'm sure I'm not the only fuckface out there who has trust issues with you, woman.
Or wait... are my trust issues with my siblings?
"You were born a boy, Jessie, but Mum and Dad wanted another daughter so they had you 'changed'. Yes, of course you should go and repeat this tale to all of your kindergarten chums. Of course you won't become a social outcast. Trust us."
I should go and weep quietly somewhere.
I can not abide people who are rude to wait staff. I shall arrest them.
i will arrest girls who wear thongs (that's "flip flops" for all you foreign cunts) with heels.
oh, and anyone who refers to the people of underdeveloped countries as "humble".
I'll arrest my man for persistently j-walking, then abuse my power.
But seriously, I'd like to make a citizens arrest upon the dickhead who honks his horn for five solid minutes every morning at 8am. If, that is, you can make a citizens arrest with a claw hammer and a garrotte wire.
Making a citizen's arrest is plain un-lefty-Australian. Wayward sorry cunts just need counselling!
*smirks*
Hi Ms,
It was a pleasure meeting you yesterday at Red Star.
I'm a friend of Rene, he acted in a play I wrote years ago. And look at him now - I'm so proud.
I couldn't find a not-weird way to say "I enjoy your blog and hoped we'd meet one day and wow, here we are, in my local." Is there a protocol for this?
Nevertheless, if you run out of sugar in Hepburn Springs, please know you have fellow blog-people (and writer-people) nearby.
I want to arrest you for not placing a Question Mark after the sentence: Are you with me Fellow Law Abiders.
Then I shall take you to some sort of Leather Prison.
I'm caught between wanting to arrest parents for giving junk food to their toddlers and people for talking loudly during movies - and welcoming total anarchy. Fuck the law.
i'd need a squad, i couldn't manage all the arrests on my own. everything and everybody is pissing me off at the moment. especially those sickos in minnesota who are having sexual intercourse with live fish.
I also find the idea of a citizen’s arrest charming.... However…..
I happened to be at the house of a lefty acquaintance the other day, when I heard the story of a Brisbane fellow who made a citizens arrest on his local member of parliament - for war crimes....
Sadly he was recently given a bit of a beating by the cops, and the word is that it was because of the citizen’s arrest
So beware of whom you try to arrest! It stops being quite so charming when you have head injuries....
Spiral
x
I've actually made a few because I used to work in a grocery store in the dodgy part of town.
I don't think I'd dare to make one unless someone was doing something *to* me.
Rest easy IOYC devotees- Ms Fits is on the case
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Thanks for asking. She's showing how you can have a clayton's IOYC when you ain't really got one. Thanks be to the goddess for that.
OK, mg I was a little concerned about what you have in your stockpile of magazines, but now I know it was la nadine that led you astray, things are clear.
I too agree that the idea is charming. However I attempted one once and it all went horribly wrong...
A robber was in my house so I shut and deadlocked the front door so he couldn't get out until the police arrived.
On seeing me do this, he produced a knife, I unlocked the door, he ran out, everyone wins.
me and a fellow rock pig wanted to hassle all the little teen fucks wearing ramones and ackerdacker tees who cant name the band members. seems a citizens arrest might be the go ...
or a punch in the cunt.
can i make a "clitizens arrest" on you, ms fits, for the offence of Inducing Tumescence With Extreme Prejudice? such boner-inducing frivolous vitriol...
you're my kind of bored verbose harpy.
hey, maybe you can arrest me for the crime of using too many ellipses
...
Re citizen's arrest - check out this t shirt http://www.t-shirthumor.com/Merchant2/products/rtrs.html?Category_Code=newr
As much as the thought makes me wince, you could take the Lithuanian granny approach.
"Popova attributes her grip of steel to years of milking goats."
Mmm... milking grip...
http://www.afp.gov.au/afp/page/Prevention/SafetySecurity/Business/RightsResponsibilities/CitizensPowerArrest.htm
Sounds a whole lot less glamorous when it's laid out right there in black and white.
I've worked in a bottleshop in Footscray for about a month. Hidden between the counter and the wall, next to the cash register, is a rusty hatchet. I haven't had the nerve to ask the manager about it yet.
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