Reasons you will hate me

"The uncle we don't talk about" on my father's side who is currenly trying to talk my dad into remortgaging the house in order to sponsor him to enter Australia. Last time he lived in Australia he did jail time - I found that out when I came home from school one day and there were a bunch of paintings in our driveway. 'What are these?' 'your uncle won an art competition' 'oh cool. where?' 'In Pentridge'

Hey, just popped my 'commenter's' cherry on yr blog. Love it.

erm, actually those are the worst I've ever heard...

...sorry

(and I have an Aunt Carlotta!)

$BDW$

Two weeks after I got married my uncle broke out of jail in a helicopter. Way to convince the missus to change her name.

Uncle “Jack”
A national swimming champion and Olympian. Has been riding this claim to fame for the last 40 years, yet fails to mention that he choked (quite literally) in his heat at the Olympics. Current interests are money, the stock market, jazz and himself. As such he is completely incapable of having a two-way conversation with another person. Has no idea how to connect with people on an emotional or social level so often comes across as a heartless, insensitive, self obsessed cunt.

Aunty “Janice”
A chronic hypochondriac. Was once heard telling people at the family business that she couldn’t do photocopying because she was “allergic to the rays”. Won’t drive through the Sydney Harbour Tunnel because she will have a panic attack, but can be a passenger in someone else’s car. Claims to be a lactose intolerant vegetarian but has been spotted on numerous occasions eating burgers, steaks, milkshakes, ice cream etc. Has never worked a day in her life and has no concept of money. She spent so much that Uncle “Jack” had to take away her credit card.

Uncle “Don”
Suffers from a rare genetic disease called Refsum’s Syndrome. He hates my father because he has escaped inheriting the same disorder, and by extension he hates my mother, brother and I. Couldn’t emigrate to Australia from UK because of his illness and he also blames my family for that. Has had a relationship with a woman in Thailand for the last 20 years, but fearing my grandfather’s wrath, he kept the relationship a secret. After convincing my grandfather to write my father out of the will, Unky “Don” allowed my grandfather to ignore medical advice and undergo a highly risky surgical procedure. Grandpa died and Unky “Don” inherited the lot. He then went to Thailand and married his long time love. Turns out she’s an opium trader in Chang Mai and my uncle’s been an addict for 20 years.

P.S. The word verification for comment posting today was sluxct. I like that.

Hey Fits, my uncle Ronny went to the grand opening of McDonalds Family Restaurant in Tamworth in 1983. He bought the first Big Mac ever made in that fine establishment. He still has it. In a plastic bag. He shows it to people.

I don't have any blood relatives who are freaks, thank god. Although I did have an Great Uncle Jack who was dropped on his head as a baby and who became a Mormon or 7th Day Adventist or something and was always trying to get my Mum and I to go to their Church.
I have had, however, a succession of crazy step-parents, including one who used to chop the meat of chops, give it to her kids and give me and my sister the bones for dinner.

Uncle Don, Peter, Ted and Doug.

Are you sure these aren't made up? ;) i've never seen so many stereotypical uncle names?

My only strange uncle is mentally retarted...should i go there? Cos it could probably trump yours.

-My cousin's heavily tatooed partner who cornered me on Christmas Day when I was all of 18 and asked me if I could get him pot.

-My Uncle who always says its nice to have a 'pretty lady' drive him home.
I am his NIECE, his brother's daughter, not someone he should be flirting with.

Aunty Doreen:

- Is a failed nun.
- Is 21 years older than her sister, my Mum.

Uncle Paul:

- Lived with his parents, until nanna died and granddad was moved to a home - so officially never moved out.
- Recently got his Ps (Drivers licence) at the age of 59.
- Has always been one of the old scarey guys who live at the pub.

Uncle Terry:

- Spent his entire life working hard to buy a Mercedes for his wife (her family highly reveres Mercs).
- In retirement blew all his life savings on buying into the franchise that puts those Coffee Vending machines on Flinders St Platforms.
- Has re-entered the workforce.

My Grandpa

- Never misses an opportunity to be appallingly racist, homophobic or attack greenies, lefties, etc.
- I still intend to go visit in Ararat with either an Asian wife, and Aboroginal wife or a manwife. Possibly all three.

Grandma

- Is even more racist than Grandpa.
- Cannot hold a conversation without applying guilt for not visiting more often*.
- Is endless disappointed my sister and I haven't joined the army.

*Sole reason last visit was in 1998.

My 32 year old cousin "Jack" lives with his mother under my grandparents house and sleeps in the same bed as her.

He had a wife but they would continually have fist fights (she was a classy lass indeed) and end up storming in our house with their dirty laundry.
Of course any loving family would have a kid too. The kid will probably end up thinking violence is the key, I feel so sorry for the poor bugger.

Uncle Bill
Lived alone in Wilberforce in an old shack and ate cornflakes with bex powder sprinkled on top every morning for breakfast. Shack was full of every Phantom comic ever released, placed carefully in piles of varying sizes wherever they fit. Yard was full of massive earth moving equipment he hired out to construction companies. Used to pick his nose enthusiastically, examine closely, then wipe it under the table while playing chess with me when I was a child.

My Darling Brother
Is now in his mid forties and to this day wears 'mini-shorts' and those thongs with the fabric straps and splayed edges everywhere he goes in Summer. During Winter his attire is tight, high waisted jeans (sometimes white) with flanny tucked in and RM Williams high heel boots. When visiting me in Sydney, he strangely assumes and worries that my gay friends will fancy him and get into bed naked with him while he sleeps.

Grandad - When my dad was little, my grandad used to be a serious alcoholic. He tried to shoot himself in the head and somehow stuffed it up. He survived, and still has the bullet in his head. He is still a dumbfuck. Pretty much no one likes him, including his children or wife of fifty years. He ran over my cousin in his ute once. He is also the most boring man on earth, and will tell you a story about a particular sheep he saw once for a whole hour.

Uncle (name deleted) - Is actually a ridiculously famous Melbourne based media figure, who I have seen mentioned on this very blog (not the penis pumping judge). Heeeaps of people hate him, but the thing is he is a really nice bloke. Wow, feel like I am on PostSecret.

there is a whole side to my family that have birth defects. they have a hormone imbalance that makes them really rotund and they are all missing thumbs. they are catholic so when the first one came out NQR they didn't stop and think about condoms. there are nine children, the first 8 being boys. the girl is my age, and she may as well have been a boy. i like them though.

Uncle Eddie, tex?

We have an Uncle Owen, more commonly referred to in family circles as "Uncle Pervy". 'nuff said about him...

Uncle X got sent down and did three years for aiding and abetting the production and distribution on a large scale of speed in WA. He just 'stored' some ingredients though, getting him off quite lightly. An ex panelbeater who basically just ran with a rough bunch of cunts in his youth (mostly from a notable bikie gang who wanted to seriously damage him after he grassed 'em up for time off - got moved to a safe house and all). And this with (then) two young boys. Stupid fuck for whom I have utterly no sympathy - I have no moral aversion to drugs, just wonder what kind of fucktard would jeopardise his family in that way. Small-time gimp.

Aunty Y, his fat, dumb, materialistic, stereotypical first-gen Wogstralian headcase wife tripped over a kerb once and then sued the council for it being unevenly paved and thus their fault. She cleared $45K. I hate her like poison; the dearth of values their sprogs are gonna grow up with if i don't keep sneaking them albums and books...

on a more pos note:

Daggy Uncle Z (other side of fam) lent me $$$ to go round the world chasing a broken heart once (total fuckwit I was). His foible is a Hitler moustache and mispronouncing celebrities' names in the most cringingly embarassing fashion: witness - soul godmother Urethra Franklin.

Fuckin' ouch.

Has anyone noticed how many Jacks there are on this list?

And maybe 'racist/homophobic grandparents' are the next topic to tackle. Everyone has one of those.

OK, if I can't think of anyone, that means the psycho uncle is ME, right?

--Ambrose

Uncle "Lance"
Shares a house in Sydney with a pulled apart light airplane. Weighs about 200 kilograms and hasn't slept in a proper bed for 20 years. Intensely racist. Smells bad. He used to have girlfriends(!?!) so I not only have a weird Uncle I could have potentially had a very strange Aunty too.

Wait a sec, a racist Uncle?

You've got all bases covered. Inluding the ol' 'must share house with aircraft' one.

quotes from my family:
mother: "can you pull over, I need to go to the toilet, I have gut problems."
brother: "why did I shave my chest? Why does a dog lick its balls? Because it can."
cousin: "look, the coons have arrived!"
aunt: "it that your artwork?" (no, it's a Picasso)
Grandma: "Gee, your cousins are big boned girls"
Granddad: "I had 2 pies and 6 little boys and I don't care that South won, I go for Carlton now"

I thought I was the only one.
there is definately a correlation between the name Jack and being a crazy uncle.
I never had racist grand parents, but my Dad never told his mother in New Zealand about me or my half-brothers, because she was so Catholic she would have had a heart attack if she knew how many times he'd been married, and how many kids he actually had...so for her entire life she thought my Dad only had two kids, not 5.

my mother has 10 siblings, my biological father has 12 siblings, and my step father has 25 siblings (roman catholic) - I will start the list today - I will have it to you in May 2006!

Uncle Graham
- now estranged from wife and eldest daughter
- refused to contact all family for several years because my grandfather and other uncle bought a farm together and didn't include him. the refusal to contact included not seeing my grandfather bedside before he went in for triple bypass surgery.
- wouldn't recognise me in the street.

Uncle Phillip
- Has afformentioned farm. works there by himself after offending son and wife (both now living in melb.) by telling them they "should find other work, he could run the farm alone"
- is now selling farm
- had an affair 5 years ago. left wife.
- returned to wife after breaking up with girlfriend (wife now resides in melb i.e. not with him)
- is planning to move back in with parents (is 46 y.o)

Uncle David
- mostly normal EXCEPT...
- married woman that Uncle Phillip had affair with
- Uncle Phillip was best man at the wedding and made a speech, where he congratulated David and Margaret (Margaret was his wife that passed away years earlier)

Uncle Bill
- has many women all around town.
- MAY have fathered child who now lives next to his wifes sister.
- still visits child and mother with wifes sister living next door

Uncle Stephen
- refers to himself AND makes others refer to him as Pig
- goes fishing on Christmas day to avoid family gatherings
- doesn't know my name (has known me since birth) and tends to call me the "big one" (not girth, more age factor)

... does that count?

My fathers family all all weird but my fav.

Uncle lets not mention his name.

-sleeps with goat, tells people
-marries has kids
- decides kids too much work puts all 3 of them in a bath filled with water
-adds heater thats on
-goes to pentridge
-finds religon with Father brosnan
-marries again has more kids
- wait 20 years, uncles goes off, smashes all photos in house and takes whole load of pills, sits in car and gasses himself
-family 1 and family 2 meet at funeral, hate each other on sight.

And he had 7 bothers and two sisters - all of them are insane although he is the worst.

And people wonder why i refuse to have children, with genes like that I am too intelligent to spread that sort of DNA.

Erm...you're certainly leading the tally board there, anon.

Uncle 'Dick'

Lived a normal life until his wife Anne passed away. The next time he saw Anne's younger sister Gert (aged 79), he pulled out his old fella and gave it a waggle before winking at Gertie and telling her 'I think he likes you!'.

And his name is actually Dick.

Uncle Gary:

Borrowed money off relatives, lost the lot in a scam, then wrote book giving Financial Advice.

Attempts to kiss all nieces square on the mouth on arrival at family functions.

Asks toddlers in the family to rub his bald head.

I couldn't resist this.

Grandfather who threw porn magazine on the dining table at Christmas just to show us the pop-up dick on the centrefold. Used to trade the porn mags to the butcher for the weekly chops. To go with the chops he never missed the dumpster run behind Safeway.

JT

Brother S. decided that a family gathering would be the right time to get pissed and seduce the wife of his 15 year younger brother by sticking his tongue in her ear in the bathroom. The family gathering being the funeral of aforementioned woman's father seemed, somehow, just so appropriate. He also loves John Winston Howard.

Well, there was The Uncle Who Mum Wouldn't Allow To Be Alone With Her Children. He only visited once.

Uncle Peter,

When an argument between him and his (now ex) wife became quite heated Peter felt that the best way to really express himself would be to douse the house with petrol. The next obvious step was to set it alight with everyone (including the kids asleep in bed) inside. My family's frightfully forgiving so he's never been to Pentridge. He was round last week for a family dinner and when he passed around a joint at the table – first to his 89 year-old mother - we let him smoke it all himself.

Aunty Moira
Converted to being a Jehoviah Witness until she found out that her and her two kids were obviously off the christmas present list and she really needed my dad to buy her a new hoover! Converted to Catholisism shortly after

Cousin Alison
Got pregnant to a boy whose name could have been 'Greg or Jed, I dunno. Never saw his face' at the tender age of fouteen. Named her child Levi (shudder)

Uncle Alistair
Picked the bogies out of his childrens noses and ate them himself!!

Grannie
completely belived in witchcraft to the point she would tell stories of mysterious mushroom picking outings where her and a group of boys would be trapped in a field because the faeries had taken away the gate!

Nan
Believed that all that jerry springer said was true. To her life. So far she has been hit by her husband, raped, had another mans baby (actually true..but it was the war. What was she supposed to do?), kidnapped, had a career as a singing actress and stuck a hat pin up a yong mans fella (actually believe this one too)

I am 25... my Uncle is 15....nuff said.

"cunteye"?

Auntie Susie. English. Likes to pick dead animals up off the road. Eats the tastier ones (pheasants and deer). Pheasants are hung in the cellar until slightly green.

Puts the less tasty ones (hedgehogs, etc) in the freezer to keep until such time as she has time to chop them open to see what hedgehog insides look like. Oh, I think I'll just get some ice-cream, one thinks. Shit, it's a dead hedgehog, one exclaims. The heads of the road-kill pheasants are placed in plastic bags in the cellar so she can watch the decomposition process, and around the house she has small silver bowls - not filled with flowers or pot pourri as they would be in a typical English house, but filled with (1) birds' legs, claws facing upwards, and (2) the teeth of various mammals. Including my brother's baby teeth which my mum gave her because Auntie Susie had unthinkingly discarded all those that fell out of her own kids' mouths when they were smaller.

Oh yes, and she drinks out of jam jars, because it's cheaper than buying glasses, and it's the same stuff really (I have a sneaking sympathy for this one actually, although not for the very smelly pheasants).

Uncle Eric.
Lived with parents (of course) until his fifties. When we holidayed at nanna's house he watched my then 12 year old sister undress for bed from directly outside the bedroom window while calling her a stuck up bitch. When we packed to leave the next morning, complained to me that she had ruined the holiday.

Grandpop
Frequented nude beaches on the sly for many years. We wondered whether he was just a commited naturist or an old perve. The question was decided after he died when photos of him cupping the breasts of a much younger woman at the beach were found under his bed.

All this and he spawned a grand-child named 'cuntman'.


Rebekka - THAT WOMAN IS A WITCH AND WE BOTH KNOW IT.

Oh my Gawd!!!

My lot seem comparatively sane after all of that. I had 3 Uncles, all of them were alcoholics, and the rest of us blame the multitude of problems they had/caused on this. I have now been to the funerals of all 3. The classic was my fathers brother who neglected to tell anyone that he had a complete second family after he divorced his first wife - we found out 25 years later. This led to moments of genuine comedy at his funeral when we all met eachother - for the first time.

My sister had twins 6 years ago - and my great fear is that I may become the eccentric uncle. NOOOOOO!

yes, I second this last comment, though without the horror: I am the weird uncle. I am 28, live on the other side of the world, the longest I've ever held down a job is four months, and I turn up every few years to tell my nephews weird shit.

Uncle Ron used to dress up as Frankenstein, and play the violin in dark alleys.

He also used to write to random people telling them that they had won valuable prizes. He wrote the Long Beach Times (small southern Californian newspaper) claiming to be an astronomer who had just discovered that Neptune had exploded. They published the article.

In 1984 he shot himself.

Are these all real uncles or are they dad's drinking partners who are called 'uncle' because they use to bounce you on their knee but kind of feel you up in an inappropriate way now?

I win.

ruth irwin? ruth butler? or ruth hanson? or did they all get together and produce some ungodly hybrid child? no offence ruth.

Uncle Rob:
- Paid up and Proud member of the Liberal Party. Ran for Seat of Melbourne
- refused to give learning disabled youngest daughter extra help, love and care.
-reason: He has 3 perfect children and so it didn't matter if he wasted ****
- Died of Arse (prostate) cancer and his funeral was in a church on a 40 degree day and was longer than the friggin' Pope's funeral.
-Selfish Cunt.

Yes, but on the plus side he died of arse cancer.

Gotta keep a bit of mystery about myself...

I first met ex-brother-in-law Sleazebag when I was 21. I was reading a magazine at my future In-Laws place and he lent over my shoulder, whispering in my ear “God I love Elle McPherson’s tits. Actually I love all tits. They make me so hard”. He was MC at his sister’s wedding. Drank to the point where he stood up to toast the bride and groom, sloshed red everywhere, fell over, got back up and exclaimed that the groom’s family must be from Tasmania because they “all look pretty inbred”.

My Nana was widowed in her 40s. For the next 50+ years she had a string of boyfriends, all of whom we had to call “Uncle”. They were some of the freakiest men on the planet. All gold-diggers unfortunately. The prize was “Uncle Reg” who she met at a service station where he was pumping petrol in his 60s. He managed to convince her that he was actually a Surgeon, doing the petrol thing to “keep in touch with the common man”. He wore safari suits and had a toupee that scared me. Nana “lent” him vast amounts of money while he was waiting for his inheritance, castle and Lordship to come through from England. At various times he had allegedly been a WWII fighter ace, a CIA operative, and the finder of the largest gold reef in China. After my uncle got a Private Investigator onto him, he rang Nana to inform her that he had to break off their relationship because he was in jail on an undercover mission for the Feds.

Mum’s cousin Margaret lived at home until her 50s, when both parents died. Never dated or worked, but did self-publish a book of poetry (funded by proud parents). Spent all her inheritance on books and food, sold the family home for just under $1mil, spent all of that too. Now lives in a dingy rented flat on a disabled pension because of Depression. Ceased contact with the family after Nana told her one Christmas to “stop whingeing and get a job”. Retorted that “No-one understood her pain”.

Re: MelbourneGirl said "ruth irwin? ruth butler? or ruth hanson?"
I thought: Steve Irwin, Harry Butler, Pauline Hanson? Whats the connection there?
Then I looked at the link. Doh!
Although I think Uncle Steve might be a bit scary too, or is it just his OWN children he waves over crocodiles?

Gee, everyone else's makes the American Republicians in my family look normal.

One of my Polish relos that was only ever reffered to as "slime".
He:

-Did a Michael Jackson ala dangling blanket over a balcony to me when he was incredibly drunk.

-Asked his 12 year old niece "was she on the pill"

-Used to toungue kiss the female relatives when he met them

Looking forward to the racist grandparents post-au-go-go. Meanwhile

My aunt:

1. Has been known to decry people as "weird" for supporting 50km/hr speed zones

2. Thinks she's a feminist because "she once had a beer thrown over her by a lesbian"

3. Believes referring to Cabramatta as "Vietnamatta" is not funny, but an accurate observation (don't think Governor Philip was responsible for that one)

4. Claims that John Howard is the only person to lead the country because "he's had a real job"

I suspect the strangest person I know might actually be me!

Or my mother-in-law. She's currently buying up Australia's stocks of Tamiflu in an effort to avoid avian flu. Storing water in her house. She's gone all survivalist. Just hasn't bought a gun yet.

My 3-year old son told me that she has said that she doesn't like me. Really? I never would have guessed. :P

My own mother said to me the other day, "Shame it's still not legal."

I said, "Shame WHAT still isn't legal?"

Mum, "Shooting your mother-in-law!"

She could be on to something.

i'm wondering about the tamiflu myself...

what do we do?

Oh God, mine are all disturbingly normal. I feel like such a freak...

Does my kids convicted paedophile uncle who ran off with their daddy's girlfriend and her warped teenage twin boys count?

Please?

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