Reasons you will hate me

Nine giggling dunderheads in bikinis compete for the attention of an obese bachelor

Sign me up. At least I'd be getting (near) some.

Dearest Ms Fits,

I come to you with some urgency. I have never sent a Friday Q&A submission before so I'm not sure where to put it. But! Last night I was watching the First Tuesday of the Month Book Show and was having a good old time snorting knowingly at everyone's opinions & thoughts. You were fab by the way - and not just for your cheeky show of thigh. Anyway! Five minutes before the show was about the end, my cat started flipping out and hurling himself at the back door wanting to go out. I foolishly listened to him and left the room for 3 minutes, came back and realised I must have missed something good because Little Jenny Byrne was looking all intensely touched and saying "what a beautiful note to end on", while gazing at you. Clearly you said something wonderful and I missed it. What on earth did you say? Please tell me!

Kind Regards,

Emma

ps. I'm aware that whenever I write something, even though it is benign, it always ends up sounding a little riske - please be reassured that the use of such words as "come...urgency...submission...where to put it...flipping" are entirely NOT meant to be sleazey.

I guess they'll stop making it when people stop watching it.

Speaking of which, ms fits of infinite cuteness, a little birdy told me you are well into big brother.

Tell me it's lies. TELL.

'Fat 70s Show'

Geriatric fatty-boombas put through the rigors of an intense exercise regime by over-enthusiastic american fitness junkies. The last one living, who hasn't died of a heart attack on the treadmill, wins a car they can't drive because they're too old.

Your ear for the argot of today's teens is faultless, as always.

"The four men and four women collectively lost 76kg by thinking more about desert than dessert."

I think a part of my brain just fucked up.

"Fat Teen's Can't Hunt"?! I mean... are they supposed to fail? What if they *can* hunt?

Miss Fits, what happened to your google search position? Your blog used to return on top results for "ms fits" now it is like forth?

Sue em

When they make Fat Penises Can't Fuck, I'll watch.

Not exactly related to this topic, and maybe more of a Friday QnA, but check this out: particularly the last para:

Howard: “I’m conventionally married and have children…”

http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/barren-gillard-blasts-heffernan/2007/05/02/1177788183427.html

Interesting stuff from a man who chooses his words with the precision and caution of a neurosurgeon.

Now say the sentence to yourself without the word conventionally. “I’m… married and have children”. There’s a big difference.

“The Liberals will attempt to win the 2007 election by attacking yet another female who has risen to a position of influence in ALP politics” Discuss.

.....all sounds perfectly reasonable to me

What's wrong with making fun of fatties?

Anyway, I think the natural progression of these shows towards actually risking the death of the participants is a good thing. Eventually someone will die on reality TV, and the whole concept will be shunned for a few years.

I had the unpleasant experience of watching big brother for the first time the other day. Forget worrying about whether its popularity is a sign of the apocalypse; it was just dead boring. About as exciting as watching a dog lay a turd. Will it be a clean one, or will it snap off half way through and cause the dog to scurry around trying to finish the job? Will it come out in a superheated jet, or slowly and shaped like a foot-long Subway sandwich?

Then you think: WTF am I doing watching a dog lay a turd? Are people so bored and starved for action that this is what they watch?

"Fat Teen's Can't Hunt" offers some intriguing opportunities for a Spoonerism.

Is it too late, I just thought of one for yesterday:
I have a secret need to confess because my self has been constructed by my catholic upbringing

M. Foucoult (I'm slow because I'm dead)

I think Foucault would have suggested that the urge to confess was a technique of shaping your (Catholic) self rather than former being a cause of the latter. Confessing your (noisy) secret in a public forum does fit the bill though ...

How clever of suave the cat - the evil Bill Heffernan has just done exactly that - attacked Gillard for being barren! WTF - what century are we living in? Of course, Howard and Costello have distanced themselves from it - they would, wouldn't they?

Yes, but I'm sure "Fat Teens Can't Hunt" will be done in a sensitive and dignified fashion. I HAVE FAITH.

And what're the networks going to do instead of such fare? Invest in quality drama? That's crazy talk!

This one actually appeals to me though, for the same reason we like Lord of the Flies. Watching pasty, butterball pommy brats eating each other would surely be groundbreaking TV.

Funny, was just discussing this show over a beer or seven and the smart money was drifting towards a fat kid eating one of the others. But what happens once they get the taste for human flesh???

"Fat Teen's Can't Hunt" offers some intriguing opportunities for a Spoonerism.

Son of a bitch, that is WORD FOR WORD what I said when I heard about this show.

I do believe that if ever a piece of written dialogue could cause one to fall helplessly in love, the piece of written dialogue crafted by our darling Fits in this post would be it. It's worthy of the loftiest moments of Guanacoman himself.

At least being an English production we won't have to put up with Eddie hosting.

I gots me a better idea.

What about a show “LETS HUNT FAT TEENAGERS”

Seeing as the Brits aren’t allowed to hunt foxes, why not wave a cheeseburger under the nose of those hounds and let the teenager run loose on the estate. Those wobble bottoms will learn to run fast or get torn to pieces by those dogs. Anxiety and several miles of running for their lives will drop those unwanted kilos fast!!!

Or the Australian version with a couple of Rhodesian Ridgeback/Rottweiler/Cattle Dog crosses, replete with studded leather chest and neck armour and a bloke named Darryl with a huge knife chases the kiddie through the bush of the Cape York peninsular or the Mallee scrub. If the kiddie doesn’t make it across the line, those hell hounds grab a mouth full of ear each and ol’ Darryl gets to plunge that pig sticker right into juniors belly…

Might not be G rated...

Oh my god

From the Bulletin this morning, re Heffernan:

The Liberal hard man, responsible with John Howard for the purge of the party in NSW between 1993 and 1996, also says priests should be allowed to marry.

"... Priests, like the rest of us,'' he says, "wake up with a horn at four in the morning".

Drunk Wombat 955:

I gots me a better idea.

What about a show “LETS FORCE FEED DRUNK WOMBATS THEIR OWN SHIT”

I think you missed the point of the post son/lass.

Search for the next houswife burlesque anyone?

Seriously, two of the best performers at last week's Libertine Revue (Lola the Vamp's show) were Kitty Conquest and Madame Pearl who were a bit older than your traditional burlesque performer, but sexier as they have had more experience. Once Kath & Kim start doing burlesque jokes in their show you will know it has really arrived, but for now I will have to be content with the new club that has opened on Sunday.

My my my some one is a little precious. Perhaps my reality show is a little too tasteless? Perhaps I should dream up another way to insult a group of people in society that the main stream has found safe and easy to ridicule and abuse that is more to your liking? How about “Dole Bludger Labour Camp” or “Asian Driving School?”

Making shows where overweight people are portrayed as weak, lacking in will power or some how inferior is easy for the networks to do. No one would dare yell “Nigger” at a black person on the street but feel they can point and stare and yell “Fat cunt!” at an overweight person. Why is that? It is because Joe and Jane Average has found some one they can look down upon without risking being labelled a bigot or racist. And all these shows perpetuate this.

Or am I missing the point again?

By your CAPITAL LETTERED RESPONSE (Scary!) of outrage and your post at the top of the thread I infer that you are indeed a ‘big fella’. I also infer that you saw a username you hadn’t seen before and thought you’d mark your territory a bit.

But spare me the “NOOB” banter. People like Alan Jones are more than adequate proof that quantity of speech bears no correlation to quality.

Run this question through your mind before you start mashing those fingers on those keyboard buttons.

“Would I say that to that person if they were in a pub?”

Chances are…no.

I suspect that you’re merely spoiling for an argument/slanging match but, to use the old chestnut, ‘Arguing in internet forums is like winning a medal at the special olympics-even if you win you’re still a retard.’

So I'll leave you to contmplate this in between indulging your coprophagic fantasies.


NNNN

What a dadaesque comment thread.

All I can say is, as one of those people who goes about wasting taxpayers' dollars on extensive studies of the structural hermeneutics of Buffy, I very nearly required a tissue when I heard about this show. Fat teens! Disturbing representations of Aboriginal people! Reality show! Bring it on, moles.