Just whipping up to the shops.
Recently a printing shop up the road from me closed down and new people took over and gutted the place. It's always exciting when a mysterious new local business looks like opening up, and I often roam the neighbourhood imagining box-fresh newsagents with rows and rows of untouched stationery, or tiny coffee shops with perfect cupcakes and handsome baristas, or dark bars with an exciting variety of cheeses. This particular joint looked like it was being run by a mob of attractive people in their mid-thirties, who were carefully sanding back floors, and painting walls, and putting up shelves, and all the thrilling Changing Rooms-type things people do when they take over a business.
Every day when I walked past on my way to get coffee and the papers, I'd peer in and see if I could guess what they were to be trading in. Almanacs? Records? French postcards? It could be anything, and therein lay the excitement.
This morning I passed when I was talking to my mother on the mobile.
Me: Oh.
Mum: What?
Me: I just realised what they're going to be selling in that new shop.
Mum: Have they got stock in?
Me: Er - yes.
Mum: What is it, then?
Me: ......
Mum: Hello?
Me: ...It looks like - whips.
Mum: What?
Me: They're selling whips. And gags. And - oh look - peekaboo leather bodysuits.
Mum: Oh dear.
Me: And they seem to have a torture room out the back with a leather harness.
Mum: Gracious.
Me: It has hooks on it.
Mum: I see.
Beat.
Mum: Well, at least you know they're there if you fancy being dangled from the ceiling and flagellated at ten o'clock on a Thursday morning.
173 days til the next election.
Comments
It's like that beauty salon on Smith Street called Alternative Glow.
I'm new to the neighbourhood too and someone recommended it to me, and the name suggested some daggy beeswax and patchouli place.
Instead I turned up for my first wax only to discover its decor has a distinct S&M feel to it, which scared the bejeebus out of me, since, y'know, waxing HURTS enough as it is without a hood and a whip thrown into the bargain...
But it was irony, apparently. Unreal salon, BTW. And hilariously frank "menu" on the website, if you care to take a look http://alternativeglow.com.au/
just what the world needs. I don't get contrived prescribed fetishes myself, but, capitalis system, each to their own and all that. I'll give it 18 months.
Christ. We were nosing around on Tuesday and came to the conclusion they were going to sell shoes. Whips, eh? I love this wacky street.
Oof, pun not intended, but I'll claim it!
next time i see you remind me to tell you about the photo shoot i did last week at the s&m warehouse with the cage and the trapeze and the ENEMA ROOM!
true story.
good times.
That's what I like about Melbourne; we're so well serviced, with a milkbar, pub or gimp on every corner.
So THEY were the ones who set fire to the Correction Centre. Eliminating the competition, very clever.
Enema room, eh? fair dinkum, that sort of thing fair gives me the shits!
but it's such a cute little shop ... i thought it would sell stripey socks or cupcakes :(
hehe my word verif is rpeepw. seems relevant somehow.
oh.
I was getting excited then for a minute, I thought it would be another nice coffee shop with old books.
I get more excited by that prospect than whips and ew, La Nadine, enema room?
i know, i know. but it's not like i tried it out.
or did i?*
*no.
Your mum is right though, Ms Fits.
It's important to keep up-to-date with local product/service providers....
You were disappointed because you already have somewhere you go for that, right? Maybe they will sell cupcakes and dark cheeses to, you know, to give it an edge? Or maybe the torturers will double up as handsome baristas, except you won't be able to make out what they're saying behind the ball-gag and it could be "muffin" or "nothing".
Still, you have a duty to be one of the first clients and give us a full review.
Jeez, I love your mum Fits. She sounds just awesome.
Please tell me she really says such things as 'gracious' and 'oh dear'. It could make me feel I've been transported back to Menzie's era... if she wasn't so practical-minded concerning your needs for a Thursday morning flagellation...
I really hope that the new shop opening up near us is actually a delicatessen & I haven't just jumped to conclusions on hearing of their range of exotic salamis.
Is it wrong, that when you say 'beat' it annoys me a bit?
I mean. It's sorta cute and can potentially tickle my fancy, but it still annoys me sometimes.
I don't really know why.
Can someone please help?
your a nutty woman, I love it!
Your mum rocks.
So does mine. She thought it was hilarious when I hit myself in the face with ben wa balls. Twice. And saw nothing of telling all her friends...
Why a Thursday morning? Is there something meaningful about that time?
I wonder in these days of water conservation if the enema room proprietors are doing any small time recycling... Fits if you feels the need for a wander up the road for a backdoor flush check that water for mountain stream freshness!
Where does one's mother pick up words like 'flagellated'? I asks you??!
Last time I was at a Melbourne S&M club, just the other month, I spotted two minor celebrities. Soon fetish shops will out-number 7/11s.
HAHAHAHA!
That is great.
I like your Mum's comments - she's certainly up with the times isn't she... I'd be concerned.....
Oh, that's what has happened to Friday Q&A.
Oh well I expected a different outcome.
Alex
http://www.attractwomen.com.au/
Do you have bossy big big sister cause your sibling-shnipes you do with Jennifer B suggest you have the 'Is anyone taking me seriously" thing going.....;-)
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