Reasons you will hate me

(late) Friday q and a.

I'm so sorry this is late. Let's go with Friday questions and make haste, make haste!



Jess said...

... is there anything you've ever wanted to ask any of your commenters? Someone with an intriguing name? Someone who left a cryptic comment you never replied to but often think about on cold lonely evenings at home when you're sitting on the couch with a dog on your lap, a glass of wine in one hand and a dreamy expression on your face?


You know me too well, Richie.

An anonymous commenter asked if I was 'taken' in one of the first q and a sessions. I'd rather like to know who that was. Oh fuck, and I want to find out who just about every commenter is in my confessions thread. Particularly the person who stated:

'I wanna finger bang fits whilst at dinner in a posh restaurant.'


Two words, Anon. Dream. Date.



MelbourneGirl said...

ms fits. i feel like we have been in a room together for oh, about six months now. and you have only spoken to me once, over at mine, about the orgasms. and that was a bit tersely.
don't you like me?
don't you notice me?
am i just so much fluff and bother?


Was I terse? Really? I can't imagine that. I don't really see the point in leaving terse or cunty comments 'round the traps. Often I'm just trying to word something in a show-offy way so people will find me wryly amusing and snazz.

I panicked slightly when I first read this question as I thought we had actually been hanging out together in real life and I had ignored you. Dear everyone, if ever that happens I am just vagueing out and thinking about shaving Orlando Bloom's testicular area. AREN'T WE ALL.

In this case MG - of course I like you and notice you (have you done something with your hair? It really works). And you are not fluff and bother. Is this because I don't comment much on your blog? I don't comment much on anyone's blog. I am the perennial lurker who pores over archives and then sidles off in a trench coat.

mscynic said...

SPOILER AHEAD


And then proceeded to say something about the movie Closer. I didn't read the question because I haven't seen the movie and don't want to know what happened (thanks for the spoiler alert; you are so fucking sweetly NW), but I do believe the query is answered later in the thread by MG. See, we are now a community.

*joins Neighbourhood Watch*



Retail Junkie said...

hey fitzy
I just plucked the crap out of my eyebrows and thus look like a cocaine addicted clown.
Any advice other than wearing the clown suit?


First, don't pluck your own eyebrows next time. Go to someone reputable. Not the ladies on St. George's road near the Foodworks, because they use the wrong kind of wax and SCAR PEOPLE'S VEEJAYS.

Second, the term 'cocaine addicted clown' is hugely evocative and I applaud your use of the word-painting.

Third, there is naught you can do but look vaguely surprised for a couple of weeks. Maybe use one of those long cigarette holders and pose languidly by swimming pools and passers-by will mistake you for Jackie Collins.



Underwhelming said...

Does the fact that the Seven/Ten consortium won the AFL rights mean I Eddie Maguire and his fat neck(s) will fuck off my TV a bit?


One would hope so, Underwhelming. But sadly, that cuntbag is thinking about getting into politics. Which means we'd be forced not only to watch him and his ilk make fun of spastic fat people on the footy show, but also lead the nightly news with soundbites about public transport. Oh joy.



gav said...

What does it say about me that I, unwillingly, seem to attract interest, and sometimes regrettably action, from people already in relationships? I know it happens to other people, and it is obvious the people in the r'ships themselves have an issue, or a shit r'ship, or both, but it seriously is becoming ridiculous. Am I a soft target for unhappy people looking for validation, or something else?


Boy, this is kind of a tough question for me as I am often the person in the relationship who starts looking elsewhere. I'm sorry it happens to you so often. I'm not at all certain what vibes you're putting out there. Firstly, don't flirt with attached people if you don't want to spark their interest. Put up an emotional wall. And if they start texting you and 'dipping' their 'toe' in your 'pool' (you can use that metaphor if you like), step away.

I suppose it's true that when someone in a relationship strays, it says something about problems within the relationship, or even within the person themselves. You must really be a nutter magnet, boyo.

I think I like your second question better:

Should I get a tattoo?


Of course you should. But be certain about what you want.



elly m c said...

Is it true that a constituency gets the govenment it deserves? If so, what have we done?

Should I have the moles on either side of my nipple removed or do they make me more interesting?


a) I'm not sure about the first part of your 'a' question, elly. But if it is true, then obviously we have been raping some orphans in a previous life. That or giving pensioners AIDS blood to drink (the issue to watch at the next election, mark my words).


b) DO NOT REMOVE YOUR MOLES, ELLY. They make you you. The only way I can tell right from left is the little red mark on bosom L and the single fine hair on bosom R. Do you think I want to have hirsuite speckled boobies? I do not. But WHO ELSE HAS THIS UNIQUE ARRANGEMENT.

Keep the moles. p.s. Do they resemble anyone famous?



cattermune said...

Are the beauteous strippers tanned inside their hoo hahs? At what point do the tan lines stop? Do they have the fallopian equivilant of a council workers sock marks?


Not being au fait in the world of beauty and tanning cattermune, I can only say:

DEAR GOD SURELY NOT/WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END/WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN('S VEEJAYS).

I can't imagine having to clamber into a sunbed and prise one's labia apart, but we ladies do make an effort to look nice 'all over'.

First commenter on this blog to peer up a stripper's vajootz (medically) and report back gets a bottle of vodka.



Litahnee said...

With the tenacity A Current Affair reporter looking for dirt on their next victim I trawled through your blog back catalogue and I have come to a logical albeit unexpected conclusion about you.
For a person who has the veneer of a lazy lefty layabout aka Triple L you are quite the prolific workaholic.
Did your parents beat this work ethic into you?


My lord, Litahnee. Were you actually looking for dirt on me? Where would you start?

I think it's possible for someone to be prolific without actually being a workaholic. I see myself as incredibly lazy. I don't do half the things I say I'm going to. Most days I spend 'working' involve long lunches and afternoon gin and tonics, when I should really be hunched over my laptop inventing the next soon-to-be-massacred Great Australian Drama Series(TM).

My folks are much bigger workaholics than me. They work for fun. I tend to skive, as the quality of my writing would occasionally attest.



Russell Allen said...

Have you ever had a fit? Like a proper rabid mouth-foaming episode. If so, do you have a charming identity bracelet (or phone number shaved into your toot-toot) in case of public collapse?


'Toot-toot'? 'Hoo-hah'? God help me if I ever go home with one of you people.

I have not ever had a fit, unless you count every time I appear in the audience at Big Brother. Which is just about the saddest fucking thing I have ever admitted to(apart from being President of the Joey Dee fanclub when I was old enough to know better twelve.)


I also do not have an identity bracelet, though Kranki shoplifted me an anklet from Disneyland.



my dog sends me telepathic commands said...

I get sociopatholigical urges (starting with a tightness in the knuckles and culminating with a burning swirl at the back of my neck) to brutally kill everyone involved in the making of and anyone who remotely reminds me of someone in the following ads:-
1) The "music the way it should be" Coke ad
2) The McDonalds ad with the fucking woman stealing the fucking chip (sorry: fry) from her fucking child at the end. I want to see them both on fire.
Is this a normal reaction?


I am starting to love you very much, mdsmtc.

This is utterly normal. Carry on.


Buck Fudd said...

Can I borrow some John Fante/Bukowski off you sometime soon?

Where did the quote on your tattoo - "and so on and so it goes" - come from? It sounds like Kurt Vonnegut.



It's a Bob Ellis quote, and a vaguely psychopathic reflection on me that I choose to have his words plastered all over my body. He peppers it liberally throughout his essays and short stories as a kind of long-suffering punctuation. I chose it because a) I am creepily obsessed with him, and b) It reminds me that all things will pass.

Where he pinched it from I'm unsure.

Of course you can borrow Fante from me. Remind me next time we meet.



Grant Edmunds said...

hey is it possibal to wank wile u shit? i aksd 1ce but this guy jus startd torkn abot liekin tha smel of ur shit or sumthin n that fukn disgusstin


Are you a Lee Harding fan by any chance, Grant? WHY MUST YOU WRITE IN SUCH A FASHION?

The practice you speak of is known, according to my friend Pedo, as 'schwanking'. He claims to have performed it successfully one more than one occasion, and suggests that it's best done with a hangover.

Each to their own, I suppose. Knock yourself out.



Manure Man said...

when will the b.o.t.b. blog be up and running?


It's running now, but we've only done one post. Hopefully there'll be more once the show starts again and if I can bully the boys into getting off their arses.

You can find it here. Update your links accordingly.



Anonymous said...

If you meet someone on a dating website and start talking to them via email, then get asked on a date by a random hot stranger, what is the etiquette?


I don't really understand this question, anon (and just on a side note, I must confess to having vague panic that all the anonymous questions are in some way about me and that I must have been misbehaving and someone is trying to subtly point out my foibles. Is that paranoia or just narcissism?). Are you feeling guilty because you've made some kind of commitment to your online friend and are now branching out in real life?

You worry too much. Swing, be free, date them both. Hopefully it'll end up being the same person and you'll be living the dream of the Pina Colada Song.



Little Running Bear said...

To how much effort should one go to be cool and rockin' all the time? What if one's body type does not fit the trends at the time? Should it matter?


It matters if you're a teenage girl wearing those HORRIFYING SKINNY-LEG JEANS. Otherwise go to town.

And what do you mean by 'trends'? Do you mean this fucking bohoho thing that keeps occurring? If so, stay well away. Ladies will regret this one day, just as they will regret the adorable 80's 'revival' and those GOD-AWFUL SKINNY-LEG JEANS.

The people I know who are cool and rockin' all the time look as though they don't try at all, but must surely spend some good hours making it happen. Has anyone ever seen Sarah from Man's Ruin and her hot boyfriend swanning about town? Those fuckers are too savoury for words. And they smell good, too.



Father Time said...

What does the "12:27 PM" bit at the bottom of your post mean?


It means I forgot to cut the bottom off someone's comment when I pasted it into the post. THANK-YOU FOR POINTING OUT MY ERROR.



Clem said...

But how are the insides tanned??


You are obsessed, Clem. Are you turning lesbean?

If so, you know my number.



arleeshar said...

I like communiste propaganda and kitsche alot, but my local specialist cp&k shop is staffed by a man who I strongly suspect is a Furry (think Yappy Fox). When I tried to buy a giant red Celebrate the Great Leap Forward Chinese dragon puppet recently I was scared off by his aggressively sexual manner towards the puppet and towards me - he claimed that he 'is' a dragon, and asked if I knew Spotted Frog. How can I get my fix without having to encounter The Dragon Man? I don't have a car and I hate ebay.
I'm sure you have the answer.



If I had a fucking dollar for every time I was asked this question, boy...

I have no idea. I'm so sorry. I'll try to look into it for you.

Someone at Trades Hall would be able to give you a cuddle in the meantime, though.


Anonymous said...

Ms Fits,
I have a problem i'm hoping you can help me with.
My ex boyfriend - who was my first 'true love' has recently split with his long term girlfriend (I still would like to say it was a rebound thing as they got together directly after we broke up even though they were together 7 years!)
On Saturday night my friend saw him out and he asked for my number (which she gave him)
It took me forever to get over this guy and finally I did.
So much so I got married.
But now feelings and issues are being raised and the 'what if's' have come back to haunt me.
I guess what i'm asking is, if he comes a-callin' what should I do?



and MelbourneGirl says:

'anon, she shouldn't have given him your number without your permission. i'd be telling her off. then i'd be telling him to forget it when/if he calls. and i'd be telling my husband all about this right now, so he is in the picture.'



Personally I am so fucking lame with all that what-could-have-been business. I am still holding a quiet candle (one of those ones from Carols by Candlelight in the polystyrene cups) for someone I barely kissed seven years ago. Nothing will ever happen, but it's so nice to think about him sometimes.

You married someone else, so you really have to think about whether it's worth ending your partnership for a memory. What if he's not what you remembered? What if he is, and you've changed? Try to remember why you broke up in the first place.

That said, meeting him in an alleyway for a tempestuous kiss is always an option*.




*if you'd rather like to spend the rest of your marriage accompanied by a dull and aching sense of sin and guilt.


SATURDAY UPDATE:


Anonymous said...

In the Ep of LMS when the blond guy has the attractive girlfried, but freaks out because she's so well-adjusted and flirts, and dances with other guys in her maid marion cossie: is that woman based on an experiance you had with a jealous ex? I always thought it must be.


Actually, she's based on an experience I have had with a lot of boyfriends. When you're an short-skirted and mischevious type of gal, certain fellows - at first meeting - find you delightful and engaging. Then they become romantically involved with you and they find you sluttish and uncontrollable and demand that you leave the house dressed only in neck to knee romper suits.

What is one supposed to do in such a scenario? Reign in natural exuberance and flirtatiousness in order to protect a partner? I have had a lot of bad luck with short tempers and jealousy in the past. It is an ever-unfolding process.


Sublime-ation said...

You have previously mentioned that you, despite not being one of those kinda annoying bimbo-y girls, regularly exercise. Being entirely able to picture you in any kindo of sporting attire, r.e a tracksuit, can you please tell me what kind of exercise you do and what do you wear?



I walk Bob Ellis (canine) a lot, with the occasional West Side Story-esque leaps and high kicks down Merri Creek. But mostly I dance like a spastic in my room, i-pod attached. Dancing can sometimes involve a skipping rope. Dancing most always involves pair of pink terry-towelling short-shorts and a Spice Girls t-shirt.

Truth be told, I fucking hate exercise and it takes a lot to get me off my ass and out of book-land (my beloved Jessculture is the only other person I know who can sit in the middle of a mixed gathering with her nose in a novel). I ran around the block a couple of times once but won't do it anymore because a) I run like a fucking duck, and b) The absolute worst time to run into your hot neighbour who sings in the bird blobs is when you are all pink in the face and smell like a teenage girl's p.e. locker.

duk said...

Dear Fits,

Wax ... or shave? The removal of surplus fur is a bloody worry.

On the one hand, the end result of a thorough waxing is just delightful to the touch and makes me wanna rub myself all over myself. Or something. But it fucking hurts! More than my ever-so-tasteful tattoo, more than my two caesareans! Honest injun!!

Shaving, however, is painless (except for those occasional scrapes of that thin bit of skin above the shin or ankle bone ... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck ... at least that's my usual response.) yet it is grossly temporary and can lead to nasty ingrown hairs and little red spots around what should be a marshmallow-y baby-soft upper, inner thigh just right for my true love to doze on after a good shagging.


Dear duk,

I wanted to include almost your entire question, because you mention a lot of points that I might have made myself. However, the answer is simple.


ALWAYS, ALWAYS WAX (or if you're incredibly diligent you can have that one with the needles that lasts forever, but I'm not going anywhere near that fucker. Don't they stick something in each individual pore? FOR FUCK'S.).

Yes, it hurts. Particularly if you go to the aforementioned women on St. Georges road who get strip-wax caught on your thigh and BRUISE YOU. But more than a tattoo? Nah, I don't reckon. It's over far more rapidly. And the results last longer than that prickly cacti feeling after shaving. And you can do interesting shapes that make your boyfriend's eyes start watering when you show him.


BEVIS said...

Dear Ms Fits,

Does this count as a question?


Yes.


Anonymous said...

Okay fits, i'm not sure if this actually counts as a question but:

My mum really loved last man standing, she used to wait up until WAY (note the bold) past her bedtime to watch it.
I never told her I blog-stalk you. I should have but she wouldn't have got it because she's not up on technology and if I said 'blog' she'd most proberbly think I was swearing in a foreign language.

Anyway, my point being - you have alot of people who admire your talent, passion and beliefs. Is there anything you want to say to supporters/fans/stalkers?....and if you mention my mum could that be counted as part of a birthday present? or should I just stop being so cheap and buy her something nice?

Inappropriately yours,

Mska


Um...you're right, I'm not sure it really counts as a question - although it is very nice. Is there anything I want to say? Thanks for reading my blog and interacting with my funnies, I guess. I like you and think you're pretty.

Did you want me to mention your mum here on this blog, or in an episode of the now-defunct LMS? If it's the latter, we're going to hit a slight snag. If it's the former, hello Mrs. Mska. I brought you some oriental lilies. Can Mska come out to play?

p.s. Stop being so cheap and buy her something nice. You only get one mama.



Que said...

Tell me, wise one, should I go with the nice (and romantic) but smelly vagabond or the conceited but stable (and smart) editor?

One could end in an Heathcliff-like epic on the moors...the other...at Safeway, silently mediating our unhappiness with the milk we choose...


NICE AND SMELLY, NICE AND SMELLY!


Always a vagabond over a vanilla stable. Always. You might get a poem written about you, or a bottle of really good cabernet smashed through your window, or your entire wardrobe set on fire in a fit of artistic pique. Wouldn't it make life more exotic?

I'd much rather tell people about my ex who rode a motorbike through my four o'clock haircut than Geoffrey from the Editing Department who is 'sweet, when he doesn't try too hard'.


Tiggirl said...

Is it just me, or does the phrase:
"I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing ABOUT you..."
Make absolutely no goddamn sense whatsoever?
(My honey insists there's a difference - I think he's just trying to be a clever dick. =)

and mscynic said...

'It actually goes:

"I'm not laughing WITH you; I'm laughing AT you."

It makes more sense, that way.'

You guys don't really need me at all, do you?


$BDW$

Are you the gatekeeper? I mean, are you the Slutty Train PA Lady?


I am not. But I fucking wish I'd thought of it.




More questions next Friday!




p.s. I am STILL seriously considering the Swingers party.


665 days til the next election.

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