LOLerskates.
Mr. Lefty has raised the issue of conservative vs. left humour on his ever-dedicated and George Negus-esque site (moustache not included). This is a VERY IMPORTANT SUBJECT, and I have of course taken it upon myself to SEARCH THE INTERNET
We can judge them together with little or no bias, as we are open-minded free spirits.
1.
Q: How do you tell the difference between a Lefty and a Liberal?
A: Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The Liberal will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"
The Lefty will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.
*nods seriously*
Mm. Can you see the inherently brilliant humour in this comedic moment? The point being made is that conservative people are time and cost-efficient, while the Left wish for people to drown. I bestow an EIGHT HUNDRED out of ten on this jocular outing.
2.
A Liberal found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said : "I will grant you one wish." He said : "I wish I were smarter". So the genie made him smarter. The next day he became a Lefty.
OMG! This joke for certain wins a GOLD MEDAL IN THE LOLYMPICS (special)! It rings true because people in on the side of the Right are unsmart.
3.
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".
= French are lily-livered/war is great/'Freedom Fries' is in no way a retarded name for hot chips.
ALSO - minus points for laughter.
4.
Newsflash! John Howard's library burned down on the weekend and two books, amongst other personal belongings, were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them.
Oh dear.
*burns ALP membership*
5.
Why didn't superman save the twin towers?
Cause he is a fuck'n cripple
Riddle me this, my friends/mortal enemies:
WHOSE SIDE IS THIS JOKE ON?
Is this a sneery Lefty, full of conspiracy theories and hateful of Amerikanos? Or a member of the Right, who are trained to hate people in wheelchairs? Land of Confusion!
6a.
Did you hear there been a ban on stubbies in Singapore? From 9 today, you can only buy long necks.
6b.
What's the difference between Van's mum and Ricky Ponting?
- Van's Mum will bring home the Ashes.
I HAVE BEEN STREAMLOLLERED BY THIS COMBINATION OF HUMOURS!
NB. These humours were created at exactly 9:05am on the day of Van Nguyen's execution. Which puts paid to the earlier notion of Right-Wing efficiency. Also it is funny because no-one cared much if he died.
7.
The Satanic Liberal Party of Australia.
I like this website very very very much. It wins points for maximum awesome!
Left = 1 million (out of ten).
8.
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.
Oh, Bill Hicks. Find me a Conservative as funny as you and I'll gladly switch sides.
WAIT JUST ONE MOMENT WE HAVE A CONTENDER:
9.
LAURIE OAKES: A final question. President Bush told some jokes at a social function last week about making – making fun of his search for weapons of mass destruction. Do you consider that in bad taste? Were you offended?
JOHN HOWARD: Well I wouldn't have told those jokes.
LAURIE OAKES: Why not?
JOHN HOWARD: Well, I wouldn't have.
LAURIE OAKES: You didn't think they were funny?
JOHN HOWARD: Well, Laurie, every – every – every country has its own style. But, you know, I'm an extremely cautious person about those things.
John Howard - available for your next function.
654 days til the next election.
Comments
Surely this was written by the fine upstanding members of the Australian Conservative Right. Probably before the IR protests of late last year...
"Battle Hymn of the Vanilla Socialist Party"
or "So long as the powers that be don't mind"
We demonstrate for workers' rights,
And we always know when to scoot:
As soon as the first policeman arrives,
We run, yelling, "Please don't shoot!"
We vote for those who will serve us well,
Or, more often, for those we fear.
Somehow, the worst always happen to win,
I mean, it happens most ev'ry year!
A little is all that we expect;
And crumbs are all that we demand.
There's no more time for self-respect,
It's time to take the weakest stand:
(chorus)
We'd just like a little bit
So long as the powers that be don't mind
We'll accept whatever we git
And we'll take whatever we find
The Red Flag we laid down long ago;
Behind the White Flag now we stride!
Where "solidarity" was cried to our foe,
"Surrender!" we now say with pride.
Where the powers that be don't order us home,
We might sneak out and ask for more;
But since we workers all do as Romans in Rome,
We're ready to hide; we know the score:
The powers that be are out there;
They own our land, sea, air, and food.
The powers that be are somewhere...
And if we stand up to them, we're screwed.
(chorus)
We'd just like a little bit
So long as the powers that be don't mind
We'll accept whatever we git
And we'll take whatever we find
Copyright (c) 2003 Vanilla Socialist Party, a bunch of gutless wussies so timid that they backed down from a fight with the cops and let the rest of us get our asses kicked. (You know who you are.)
*Hilarity ensues*
I think the most popular lefty joke of the year was:
Q: How does Bush feel about Roe vs. Wade.
A: He doesn't care how people got out of New Orleans.
Pretty darn good considering it encompasses chronyism, justice hearings and stupidity.
And that's ANOTHER point for the Left, Seppo.
*re-arranges scoreboard*
If you invented the phrase LOLYMPICS then I am marrying you and then we're running off to the countryside in order to breed pig-tailed baby bloggers (pending dramatic advancements in scientific world).
Note I am not saying I will ask you. It's not a fucking option. Just lie back and think of Tanner.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
The true killing fields of political humour are in the US.
The left has some hilarious stuff, for instance Tom Tomorrow and Top 10 Conservative Idiots from democraticunderground.com.
However, the contributions from the right are (surprise, surprise) just fucking woeful. Over-literal unfunny shit. Typical of the genre are Cox and Forkum and Day by Day. Day by Day in particular makes me want to smash things. It revolves around an incredibly annoying and improbable conceit: hip, shade-wearing conservatives. You get the impression that the guy probably beats off a lot thinking about doling out rough, punitive sex to his female characters, who he despises. They are always drawn as these sort of arms-crossed smug cockteasers.
I hate it as much as I hate the way Bruce Willis wears those fucking hats that he wears. And does that smirk. And I hate that a lot.
I think I can safely type what we're all thinking right now....
But did you like Hudson Hawk?
xxDemixx
I think I can safely type what we're all thinking right now....
But did you like Hudson Hawk?
Ohhhhh man.
Hudson Hawk!
I suppose it fits into the so-bad-it's-good camp, but it is also the ne-plus-ultra example of aneurysm-level annoying Bruce Willis hat-wearing. And when he'd sort of cock it forward! Jesus Christ!
Poor Richard E. Grant. It's as if Withnail got what he asked for.
ms.Fits..I think the first joke makes a really good point about the lefts [current]inability to commit to anything whilst being smug and trading off it's history of actually DOING things.
The one advantage conservatives have always had is their focus on power.
The one disadvantage progressives have always had is a short attention span.
By the way, I actually remember when P.J. O'Rorke was funny.
i know its not quite a joke, but seeing as there is a thematic of sing-a-longs, i find this pretty fucking funny...
When gallant Cook from Albion sailed
To trace wide oceans o'er
True British courage born him on trug
Till he landed on our shore
And there he raised old England's flag
The standard of the brave
With all her faults we love her still
Britannia rules the wave
In joyful strains then let us sing
Advance Australia fair...
thats the spirit!
here's to the unsung verse! happy invasion week!
Jesus' General Very funny.
My Favourite Joke -
John Howard has an audience with the queen.
"Ah, Ah, Your Majesty?"
"Yes Johnny"
"I was wondering if you could proclaim Australia an Empire?"
"No Johnny - Then you'd have to be the emperor, and quite frankly, you don't really strike me as being emperor material."
*Johnny sniffles and wipes away some spittle from the corners of his mouth*
"Oh, Oh, how about a principality?"
"Johnny, Johnny, Johnny! You as a prince? My goodness! I don't know about you, but I've never a two foot tall bald prince before"
"In fact Johnny, having known you for many years now, and being well acquainted with many other Australians, I believe that it is most than appropriate for Australia to remain a COUNTry."
HEE
a good one yes...
I think get your war on is genius
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Well, anon, let's hope that your humour isn't a vagina, because that was fucking useless
Who's On First for the Next Generation!
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! ?Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! ?With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
"...let's hope that your humour isn't a vagina, because that was fucking useless..."
Kinda like Lefto's 'jokes' right underwhelming?
RIGHT?
I think both left and right have a serious problem in Australia when shit like this managed to win Oz blog of the year. It's one thing for Miss Harding to publish this tripe, she probably realises how lacklustre a writer she is, but some people actually voted for this as an example of excellence. Time for some China style censorship, god knows we need it.
I concur, dljrdos. Any relation of Lee Harding is not welcome here by any means.
Hardy, Harding. It's irrelevant what your name is, especially with lineage like yours. The point remains.
I thought he meant Tonya Harding, the shamed former Olympic skater and sometime self-styled gang boss.
Now that would be a kick arse blog. Or should that be a (knee) smashing read?
Anyone got a link?
If lineage had anything to do with politics, I would be running for the parliamentary Liberal Party in Victoria. Or the National Party in Rural NSW. Suffice to say, I personally would rather disembowel myself with a rusty pair of hand shears than smile for a "how to vote" flyer for the Conservative Right.
Surely Pandagate alone proves who does and doesn't have a sense of humour?
euvdie said...
"...with lineage like yours..."
You're right, euvdie. Thomas Hardy was an unusually serious and humourless author. (Still good but). Fitsy is clearly behind a genetic 8 ball when it comes to being at all funny.
(PS: Ask the Dust is fucking great)
PPS: left a comment on John Birmingham's blog. What a prat.
I'm harding right now.
AHARDY HARDY HAR.
Not sure if this can be considered humour... maybe 'right'ish...
"Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior?" - NY State Senator James H Donovan on capital punishment
I'm finding Kim Beazley to be fucking hysterical!!!
SMH 25/1/06:
"There is only one way for the National Party to revive its fortunes, and it may be too late, and that is actually to become a party again instead of an appendage."
The Big Man makes a DICK JOKE!!!
Choice!
Just like the right, to rely on fictional characters with magical abilities to back up their claims. They can use Lord of the Rings to justify the War on Terror next.
"It has come to the attention of our intelligence agencies, that Kim Jong Il is in possession of the greatest weapon of mass destruction ever known. The One Ring"
Oh, and an interesting court case from Italy...
Prove Christ Exists Judge Orders Priest
I hope Johnny H-man is available for bodily functions because I feel a big one coming on.
The "H" in H-man is for "hilarity." Or possibly for "Humps Dubya's leg."
Sit, Stay, Beg, Good Australian Prime Minister you get a Milkbone.
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