Reasons you will hate me

Making new friends.

The blog about my summer holidays is being put back a day because fuck you, I can do what I want and also, I have a headache from last night's margarita party and wish to go outside and enjoy the last full day of my vacation. Go cram it in a hole if you have issues with that. What am I, your personal lap-dancer? I'm so repulsed by you and your needs sometimes.


Here is an email I received whilst away:


'Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 19:10:39 -0500
From: "Outcome S. Baseball"


To: Ms Fits <*******>
Subject: saw your page, Ms Fits'




Okay, so the name 'Outcome S. Baseball' might have - might have - sounded a warning bell. And while it's not as completely outrageous as 'Poohing E. Slithers', who also happened to drop a note in my in-box (possibly during Poohing business hours, whatever they might entail), I should've at least been cautious.
But, you know, I love that someone would write to me after they 'saw my page'. I like to be stroked. Maybe someone would want to tell me how attractive my richly comic gift makes me appear, or maybe Billy Bob Thornton would idly google himself and wish to make contact leading to the hot sex. You can never be sure.




'hi my name is cesar, i`m 20 years old, and i`m from mexico, i hope you could e.mail me back,

i saw your page on internet and i really like it, it`s great and the galleries are awesome.'



Do you love Cesar already? Flatterer.
Of course, when I hear '20 years old' and 'from mexico' I totally picture the Hotness from Yu Tu Mama Tambien . Naturally he would think my page is great. Naturally . He is cultured and 'in movies' and has taste and stuff. Sure the business about 'galleries' is a little vague, but we've started off well I feel. I can almost taste his neck.




'so, i`m a boy just like you, maybe i`m in the same situation as you. i am also like to see cute girls on internet.

and cannoy talk to my friends about my secrete but only one friend know it.'



Look, I don't care so much that Cesar am like to see cute girls on internet. Who doesn't? But what's with the male-to-male camaraderie I'm getting here? I am feminine. I wear dresses almost every day. I lick my lips suggestively when offered a frozen dairy-based product. Where's the gender confusion?
I think that I'm kind of sensitive about this due to an incident on New Year's Eve when a not-drunk-enough young man leered up at the balcony I was standing on and shouted loudly: 'I want to come party with you, cowboy!'
Cowboy? Go fuck yourself.




p.s. Are you not totally concerned about Cesar's 'secrete'? He should seek medical attention immediately. And keep his hands off little Cesar in the interim.




'i like to share galleries. would you like that?

here is a free pages with girls i like very much:
http://****.*****.com/index.html


well, i wish you could answer me as soon as you can.

well nice to meet you Ms Fits, bye.'




Something tells me I've been taken in once more. Yet, you know, even after Cesar's mistaking me for a boy and pushing me to share porn with him, I am won over by his somewhat dashing and borderline insane sign-off:




'i`m the wolverine,

cesar'




Startling, but incredibly gripping.




1010 days til the next election.




p.s. Have you been getting into old rice and monkey nuts ? I just heart old rice and monkey nuts .
Wait, don't tell me you haven't heard of old rice and monkey nuts ? Oh. You can read about it here .

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