Meeting the Man.
Last night I went to a book-signing by my personal god Bob Ellis at Readings in Lygon street.
I was incredibly nervous and uptight - seeing your hero in the flesh is truly a terrifying experience. It's like standing in line at a Van Halen concert knowing David Lee Roth will be personally taking your ticket and high-fiving you on the way in. Except kind of way more high-brow and political and po-faced; everyone nodding seriously about what a wanker John Howard is, and aren't we clever for pointing that out?
I chose what I was going to wear in advance. What a tool. I showed a bit of boob but not too much as ol' Bob has a reputation for sometimes forgetting not to get young ladies pregnant. Then when I got there I thought I was showing too much boob and had to safety pin my jacket together so as not to offend the milling elderly folk in berets*. Wow! Can you believe that kind of far-out shit? Safety pins you say, Fits? Wild! Anything could have happened at that stage!
Bob was eloquent, moving, brave, cantankerous and perfect. Please - if you know me and loathe me as I cheekily suspect you do by now - try and guess what I said to him after breathlessly queueing up and waiting for him to sign my copy of his new book (which you must buy at once):
Was it a) 'I see you've been drinking red wine.' (Adding, off his curious look, with helpful point) 'You've got some crusting in the crevices of your mouth. Would you like a tissue?'
b) ' My Bob Ellis is outside in the car! She's not you! She's a dog, HAHAHA!'
c) 'Hi, Mr. Ellis. Could you please sign my gook?'
or d) 'I write. I'm a writer.' (long pause) 'I wrote for Neighbours for seven years! Remember when Madge got hit by a car? THAT WAS ONE OF MINE!'
Can you pick which one? I bet you can!
*I'm not fucking kidding. They turned up to a book signing in Carlton wearing berets . No, be more like someone parodying you in a bad comedy sketch show. More. Please. Oversized glasses and 'ethnic' jewellery? Oh, thank-you!
Comments
Let's see. After reading your blog for the past month or so, I'm quite tempted to say you said all 4 quotes to Mr. Bob Ellis. And as tempting as it is to say that, i'll cut back and say option D.
And youy were the one who made that car 'bump' into Madge?! Well I never. Must say well done for a great storyline - never liked her anyways, and it appears she survived only to die several years later on.
hey ms fits, you will love this story, in the guardian - by Tom Hodgkinson who since 1993 has been editing a magazine called the Idler (but hey, yoiu seem yto discover all this stuff wqiuthin 5 mins of it coming out, so myab eyou already know about him).
the article is a ruipper - and there-s even a mention of erotic dreams about celebrities:
http://books.guardian.co.uk/extracts/story/0,6761,1277111,00.html
cheers
Yeah, I was inclinded to go with D, too. But upon further reflection (it looks like you were screaming the last part, which may have resulted in you being shackled and led away from your hero, so I doubt you'd have done that), I reckon it may have been C.
I agree with Coppertone that it could have been any of them, though.
I'm not sure you're the type to bring your dog to a book signing in Lygon Street - and certainly not in a car!As for the red wine thing, my tip is YOU were the one who'd been knocking them back - if for no other reason, because of your frail nerves as you stood there waiting.
... Unless you planned to produce the proffered tissue from the depths of your oh-so-impressive cleavage??
I say B for shizzure. That's what I would have said. Erm, if I met Anne Frank. Erm, if she survived the concentration camps. Erm, if she had a book signing for her diary. Erm, and assuming I'd still named my cat after her because my cat had to be hidden from nazi landlords. Erm, and assuming I'd taken my cat to the book signing.
--therapy
Whatever, since you were too star struck to ask for an autograph ...
Lets do a deal missy,
I will arrange for Bob Ellis to autograph a nice photo of himself using,at least,the phrase "to ms fits"
And then you must post it.
If you do not want this please say so.
To prove his autograph is genuine you can then ask the man himself.
Assume this will take at least 14 days to organise.
And for those readers who presume this is an inside job.. here is the deal..I wonder what ms fits owes us for such a wonderful gift.Your best response will be the prize for my effort.
Over to you.
I go for "B" but this is a tough one. What's the correct answer Ms Fits?
Wait a minute. How can you get your hands on an autographed photo of Bob? Are you him? Oh gravy. Please tell me Bob has finally Googled himself and found my blog.
The correct answer is 'b', by the way. Way to go, k.b.
No.Let your mind rest,I'm not Bob. Anyway Bob would never offer to sign and send his photo : not his class.
Nor would his nom de plume be a character from a brilliant English TV show.
On an unrelated Bob Ellis note i point you towards this photo from a holiday of mine about 6 months ago:
http://www.boudist.com/gallery/noosa/noosa_36
Bob Ellis has been busy vandalising a shipwreck on a beach between Noosa and Fraser Island. Being a Bob fan myself i just had to get a photo.
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